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The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands
The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands
The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands
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The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands

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The #1 National Bestseller

In her most provocative book yet, America's top radio talk show host, Dr. Laura Schlessinger, urgently reminds women that to take proper care of their husbands is to ensure themselves the happiness and satisfaction they deserve in marriage.

Women want to be in love, get married and live happily ever after, yet countless women call Dr. Laura, unhappy in their marriages and seemingly at a loss to understand the incredible power they have over their men to create the kind of home life they yearn for. In the Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, Dr. Laura provides real-life examples and real-life solutions on how to wield that power to attain all the sexual pleasure, intimacy, love, joy, and peace desired in life.

Dr. Laura's simple principles have changed the lives of millions. Now they can change yours.

LanguageEnglish
PublisherHarperCollins
Release dateMar 17, 2009
ISBN9780061796746
Author

Dr. Laura Schlessinger

One of the most popular hosts in radio history—with millions of listeners weekly—Dr. Laura Schlessinger has been offering no-nonsense advice infused with a strong sense of personal responsibility for more than 40 years. Her internationally syndicated radio program is now on SiriusXM Triumph Channel 111, and is streamed on the Internet and podcast. She's a best-selling author of eighteen books, which range from the provocative (New York Times chart topper The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands) to the poignant (children's book Why Do You Love Me?).  She's on Instagram and Facebook (with over 1.7 million followers), and her Call of the Day podcast has exceeded one hundred million downloads. She has raised millions for veterans and their families with her boutique, DrLauraDesigns.com, which benefits the Children of Fallen Patriots Foundation. Dr. Laura holds a Ph.D. in physiology from Columbia University's College of Physicians and Surgeons, and received her post-doctoral certification in Marriage, Family, and Child Counseling from the University of Southern California. She was in private practice for 12 years. She has been inducted into the National Radio Hall of Fame, received an award from the Office of the Secretary of Defense for her Exceptional Public Service, and was the first woman ever to win the National Association of Broadcasters' prestigious Marconi Award for Network/Syndicated Personality.

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Rating: 3.716417910447761 out of 5 stars
3.5/5

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  • Rating: 3 out of 5 stars
    3/5
    If you can look past the condescending tone and disregard what doesn’t apply to you she has some good points. This book is largely a compilation of people she has talked to and reading other couple’s situations helped give me some perspective. Not my favourite book but it made me think and I’m glad I read it.
  • Rating: 3 out of 5 stars
    3/5
    I learned what NOT to do in my marriage, but I read this after the damage had already been done. My only hope is to always appreciate my husband using the skills taught in this book.
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    Gave me so much insight and definitely helped my marriage by shifting my thinking towards my husband, helping me be a more positive and caring wife.
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    Loved this book Iam a Christian and our ho e is run on this basis Had a.ot of very good discussions with my husband about this book.If more women took the advice from this book but more importantly from God's word what happy marriages they would have
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    This book personally attacked me. I now know without a shadow of a doubt that if I called in to Dr. Laura's radio show with any question relevant to my relationship, I would indeed get yelled at and interrogated with impatience, disgust, and exasperation. LOL.

    I couldn't help but occasionally think "but but but... what about the husband!" However, most of this information is sound reason. Be stoic, do your chores without complaint, respect your man, see him as a man not a girlfriend, honor the institutions, keep up your appearance, put out, have enough of your own life not to feel abandoned when a man lives his own, try not to criticize or hurt a man's feelings, man is autonomous, don't try to control him. Women's needs are not exclusively important
  • Rating: 2 out of 5 stars
    2/5
    I read the book because I don't want to screw up marriage #2 for me and #3 for hubby. Usually, I can't stand listening to Dr. Laura - patronizing, condescending etc, but I gave her book a try. It did keep my attention and I didn't go ballistic with some of her suggestions. I never did find my situation laid-off hubby/working wife. I can't motivate my hubby. I tried some of her ideas - being affectionate - I got what do you want; Intimate - not tonight. This might work in fairytale land but not so much in real life. I thought Dr. Laura stereotypes people and situations. She either never knew what it was like to be struggling financially or she forgot. Plus, I wonder if she lives what she preaches? There was a lot in the book about remember what your man was interested before you were married (music, medicine), but what about the wife? What's good for the goose is good for the gander. She did have some good points. I do believe men are often lampooned. Women and men need to respect each other. Man bashing isn't good for anyone Give him some space. I read the book with an open mind, but I think this should be catergorized as fiction.

    1 person found this helpful

  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    Wow, the effort that was put into making this book, all the I formation was so relevant and helpful- unpopular with this cancel/selfish generation? YES so I highly recommend this book for godly women/wives who want a happy godly marriage by God’s standards and not the world’s standards because between the two we truly know which marriage will last until the end of time.
  • Rating: 2 out of 5 stars
    2/5
    I would never have read this book if it hadn't been chosen for my book group. Even now, I can't believe I read this garbage! It should make for an interesting discussion!The reason I gave it 1.5 stars is that she did actually make two good points (along with all the baloney).First - your husband is not a mind-reader. Tell him what's going on. Don't expect him to guess and then be mad when he guesses wrong.Second - if you are having trouble, talk to your husband first, then a therapist or clergyman. Don't talk to your girlfriends. Male bashing is NOT the way to solve your problems. It may relieve a little stress and help you vent, but it will backfire and cause even more hostility. Your husband deserves your loyalty.Other than that, I really couldn't believe that this kind of stuff was being advocated in this day and age! For example, don't expect your husband to help with the housework. After all, you don't go to work with him and help him with his job, do you? (It's not like women have anything to do besides stay at home and clean the house, right?) And don't get too fat - you have no right to overeat. And don't ever tell your husband no. He has a right to expect sex whenever he wants it.As I talked the book over with my husband (of 19 years, almost. We must be doing something right!) we agreed that the most annoying part of the book is that she sticks men and women in these stereotypical gender roles and just leaves it at that. Men are big, dumb, simple creatures who basically want a hot meal, a hot wife, and a pat on the back. Women are supposed to be content to keep the house clean and please their man.And yet, I see that other women have rated this book much higher than I have. What can I say? This is NOT the kind of relationship I want. It's not the kind I want for my children. I want them to see a healthy partnership, where each partner is loved and valued as an INDIVIDUAL, not as a type, and where both partners are allowed, even encouraged, to express their feelings and desires and have them validated. Where there is a firm commitment to working together to solve problems when they come up, where neither partner is responsible for all the work in any category, but where flexibility is stressed. I DO NOT recommend this book in any circumstances. I think it perpetuates an unhealthy definition of marriage and if followed will cause a lot more problems than it resolves.

    4 people found this helpful

  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    This is a WONDERFUL book which will change you for the better! After you've changed, HE will undoubtedly begin to change too! We have always had a great marriage but I still saw changes after I read this book! Wonderful!
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    Though I'm not a fan of the author's radio show, I have to admit that I'm glad I read this book. It made me realize how much my husband does for me and so I appreciate him so much more than I used to. I could see things better from his point of view. The author points out common problems women may have in their marriages, and I thought it was a pretty decent book.
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    My future marriage bible.
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    Interesting book. Once I ignored the frequent anti-feminist rhetoric & proselytizing, I feel she had some very important points & made me re-think & question some long held beliefs I didn't even really realize I had. Any book that makes you do that is what literature is all about! I was particularly surprise by the realization that with all the talk of couples wanting & believing they have an "equal" relationship - many women take for granted their "right" for girls time, shopping spress, venting or ridiculing their spouses, while castigating their partners for daring to want or do the same things!! That alone made it a worth while read.
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    Such great words if truth.
    This book both teaches and convicts.

Book preview

The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands - Dr. Laura Schlessinger

Introduction

As a man, I can tell you our needs are simple. We want to be fed, we want our kids mothered, and we want lovin’.

VINCE

Men are only interested in two things: If I’m not horny, make me a sandwich.

JOHN

"I am a thirty-seven-year-old man who has seen quite a bit in life, and I can offer this to your search for how to treat a man. We are men, not dumb-dumbs, psychics, or one bit unromantic. We need only clear communication, appreciation, honest love, and respect. This will be repaid by laying the moon and stars at your feet for your pleasure. There is no need to ‘work’ a man to get what you want. We live to take care of a wife, family, and home. Just remember that we are men, and know that our needs are simple but not to be ignored. A good man is hard to find, not to keep."

DAN

A good man is hard to find, not to keep. That sentence should really make you stop and think. As a radio talk-show host/psychotherapist, I’ve got to tell you how remarkably true and sad it is that so many women struggle to hold on to some jerk, keep giving an abusive or philandering man yet another chance, have unprotected sex with some guy while barely knowing his last name, agree to shack up and risk making babies with some opportunist or loser, all in a pathetic version of a pursuit for love, but will resent the hell out of treating a decent, hardworking, caring husband with the thoughtfulness, attention, respect, and affection he needs to be content. It boggles my mind.

What further puts me in boggle overdrive is how seemingly oblivious and insensitive many women are to how destructive they are being to their men and consequently to their marriages. Women will call me asking me if it’s alright to go off on extended vacations "without him" when they want some freedom or R&R, or if it’s okay to cut him off from sex because they’re annoyed about something or just too tired from their busy day, or if they really have to make him a dinner when he gets home from work because it’s just too tedious to plan meals, or if it’s okay to keep stuff from him (like family or financial issues) because his input is unnecessary, or if they’re really obligated to spend time with his family (in-laws or stepkids), or if they really have to show interest in his hobbies when they’re bored silly by them, or—well, you get the idea.

Let me relate the specific call that prompted me to write this book. Annette is thirty-five, her husband is thirty-nine, and they have a one-year-old son. She is a stay-at-home mom who just doesn’t enjoy cooking and doesn’t feel it’s useful to spend a lot of time doing it. She called wondering if that was detrimental or not to her child. Right away I was alerted to her lack of concern about the needs or desires of her husband—you know, the guy who slays dragons for her and their child every day. In order to really get a feel for this caller, you’ll have to imagine the completely hostile and disdainful manner in which she spoke.

DR. LAURA: What do you do for food?

ANNETTE: We eat peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches.

DR. LAURA: That’s not healthy three times a day.

ANNETTE: No, he’s [the child] not eating it three times a day.

DR. LAURA: What do you eat for dinner?

ANNETTE: Well, he’s still breast-feeding at one year old.

DR. LAURA: What do the adults in your house eat for dinner?

ANNETTE: My husband might eat beef enchiladas from the freezer, and I might eat cereal or cottage cheese. My husband doesn’t much like what I cook.

DR. LAURA: That’s not really a balanced, healthy diet. Are you intentionally making awful things that he won’t eat or is he some kind of ogre?

ANNETTE: (Sarcastically) No, I’m just not a good cook. [What you can’t read is her disdainful, hostile tone.]

DR. LAURA: Okay, Annette, being a better cook is easy to come by. All you do is take a class or get a book of recipes. I wonder if you’re intentionally undermining his enjoyment of a home-cooked meal so that you simply don’t have to do it. Let me tell you what is detrimental to your child. Dinnertime turns out to be one of the most important functions of a family in terms of a child bonding with parents, their ability to communicate and feel close to their parents—all of which supports their self-esteem. The dinner table is a most important aspect of that bonding. That is the routine time when the family sits down, says their prayers, and spends that pleasant time enjoying their meal together and talking. So, if that means you have to do what you don’t like, so be it. Or did you plan to teach your son that when he doesn’t enjoy something, he doesn’t have to do it at all, or he doesn’t have to do it right? In which case you are going to have a child growing up to be a monster.

        There are a lot of things we all don’t enjoy doing, but they are part of the rigor of life and they are a part of our obligations in our various roles. To be people of integrity, we have to follow through whether or not we enjoy something. So, if you are at home, I think it is important for you to make the effort to prepare pleasant dinners because I think that’s part of the joy and comfort for your family. Put in the effort. If your husband can eat frozen, prepackaged Mexican food, with all those spices, it means he has a pretty open-minded stomach—so you must be going far out of your way to mess with him. I don’t understand that hostility, especially from a woman who has a one-year-old child. The ability for you to maintain a safe and nurturing home for that child largely depends on the quality and existence of your marriage. I’d expect you to make more of an effort.

Most of the women who complain that they are not getting what they want from their husbands should stop and look at how disrespectful and disdainful they are of them. They should also look at what they put their time and energy into at the expense of him and their marriage. It would be a stunner for them to realize that they try harder to impress strangers than they try to impress the person who is supposed to be the most important to them. As one listener, Gary, says:

"A husband is like a horse. At the end of the day he is usually rode hard and put away sweaty. Like in the movies, if his master drives and beats him, he’ll go just so far before bucking and rebelling.

If you love him, if you coax him, he’ll drive himself till his heart explodes before he will let down his master. He’ll give himself to death for the one he loves.

Which way should women handle a man?"

I have never gotten a complaint from a male listener in twenty-five years on the radio over my assertion that men are very simple creatures. They agree. I have explained time and again on my radio program that men are borne of women and spend the rest of their lives yearning for a woman’s acceptance and approval. Unless you’ve got a man with a frank mental or personality disorder (the exception, not the rule), men admittedly are putty in the hands of a woman they love. Give him direct communication, respect, appreciation, food, and good lovin’, and he’ll do just about anything you wish—foolish or not.

With one particular caller, Sandy, I pushed this agenda through to a successful conclusion—but not without a lot of sweat on my part and resistance on Sandy’s part.

SANDY: My husband and I have a horrible relationship.

DR. LAURA: And why is that, I wonder.

SANDY: He says I’m too headstrong…but I think we are both too headstrong for each other.

DR. LAURA: He says you are too headstrong. And what does that mean?

SANDY: He always tells me I like to take over situations—that I like to control situations and that I go around him when we should discuss these things together. I just go ahead and do it myself.

DR. LAURA: So, why do you do that?

SANDY: I don’t know.

DR. LAURA: It is destroying your marriage. Why would you continue to do that?

SANDY: But it is stupid things like going to the store and buying something. Why should I consult him in things like that?

DR. LAURA: Well, it doesn’t hurt to have a chat or invite him to come along.

SANDY: I just don’t see it.

DR. LAURA: Do we have kids in the middle of this?

SANDY: Yeah, we have three kids.

DR. LAURA: That is why we have to make changes—so that the three kids have a peaceful home. And you can make the changes.

SANDY: We worked on it.

DR. LAURA: No. We didn’t work on it. You didn’t change.

SANDY: It is just hard.

DR. LAURA: So what, it’s hard. This is about the lives of your three children. Don’t tell me something is difficult to do when your three kids are depending on it. That should be incredible motivation for you to behave better in your marriage—to treat your husband better in your marriage.

SANDY: Right.

To help her make some changes, I asked her to make a short list, right then and there while we were on air, of three reasonable things her husband wished she would do differently. She fought this tooth and nail. First, she supposedly didn’t know what he’d want, then she complained about him, then she got sarcastic about his needs, then she exaggerated what she’d have to do. Whew! It was tough to get through the resistance to admit that any of his desires or requests were reasonable, much less show any willingness to give him something he wanted.

I explained to her that personal change was difficult, bitching about somebody else was easy. I persisted with my question, offering her the opportunity to make things better for herself and her children. Finally, she relented—well, sort of—you can still read the edginess.

DR. LAURA: What are three reasonable things you know would please him if you changed?

SANDY: If I took his opinion on things. If I listen to what he says and do it.

DR. LAURA: Okay. That seems fair for a marriage. What else?

SANDY: He would like to see me accept him for the way he is without asking for any more.

DR. LAURA: Generally, I think that means he wants to feel appreciated for what he is and does.

SANDY: Right.

DR. LAURA: And, when you are constantly trying to change him or demand more or different, he reads that as though you don’t approve and appreciate what he is offering and who he is. Remember, this is the man you picked. Okay? So he needs more appreciation. And, what is number three?

SANDY: To just let things slide off my back sometimes. He always says I am too perfect.

DR. LAURA: Okay. Be easier going.

SANDY: Right.

DR. LAURA: Here’s your assignment. Do this for a few days and call me back. Number one is ask him for his opinion about something. Number two is show him some appreciation. Number three is if it really isn’t important, let it pass because nobody likes to be jumped on all the time. Read them back to me please.

SANDY: Ask him his opinion. Show him appreciation. If it isn’t real important, let it pass.

She did call back in a few days and was rather surprised that with seemingly small efforts she had helped to improve her husband’s mood and behavior and lighten up the atmosphere in the home, all leading to her own peace of mind.

But that is what I keep telling women. Men are simple straight lines. Generally, unlike women, men do not have mercurial moods (like PMS) or hypersensitivity to interpersonal slights (when was the last time you heard a man complain about his father-in-law?). Men usually mean exactly what they say and don’t speak in the more indirect style more typical of women. Also, men will typically suffer in silence long, long before they will complain or screech out in pain (isolation and alcohol abuse is where it shows), while women are more likely to use whining and complaining as a form of communication and even entertainment with their girlfriends.

Men are simple. They know it. Women have to learn it if they expect to be truly happy with their man.

Kathryn, another of my listeners, confirms this:

"Men really are not as complicated as we think they should be. Men love to hear that their woman is happy and that they are the source of this happiness. Men deserve the same respect you would show a visitor in your home—even more. Men love to be complimented. They also like to be admired. I always thank my husband for working so hard for us, and I encourage the kids to do so, too. Men are grumpy when they are tired and/or hungry. Anything they say while they are in either one of these states is not to be taken seriously. Men don’t like it when women talk about them behind their backs. Men are not your ‘daddies,’ they are your contemporaries and get stressed and scared about things just like you do. And if you were a real friend, you would help ease their burdens, not add to them. Men have dreams, too, and it doesn’t matter if it’s logical or not, don’t walk all over them.

This doesn’t mean that we don’t have problems—everyone does—but it’s a lot easier to work them out with a man who knows you love and respect him."

I have been sadly amazed by the lack of understanding and appreciation so many women demonstrate for those basic facts. A recent caller to my radio program took the cake with her call. She is married for the second time and they both have children from prior marriages. She is working full-time and is involved in all sorts of activities. She called to complain about her demanding husband. It seems he was unhappy in his new marriage because his wife, my caller, was not spending time with him in or out of bed. She described an unbelievably hectic daily schedule, remarking that she just had too much on her plate to have time or energy or impulse to be intimate at all, much less physically intimate, with her new husband.

I immediately suggested that she take a cosmic spoon and dump stuff off her plate to make room for her new marriage, for her husband, for their relationship. She immediately came back with, But shouldn’t he just be understanding? I almost flipped! He should be understanding about being ignored, about being at the bottom of her priority list? I responded, Why should he agree to be a boarder in his own home, with no effort at all from you for a personal relationship? Why should he be sanguine about that? Why should he be sympathetic to your choice to exclude him from your life?

Her answer, so telling, was, Ohhh. I didn’t see it that way at all.

I reiterated that she had to dump much of what was she was voluntarily allowing to hog up her plate and make room for him, or he was going to dump her off his plate, and that I wouldn’t blame him much at all.

These calls are not aberrant. They reflect truly typical attitudes of a preponderance of women in today’s America. Since Gloria Steinem wrote that women need men like fish need bicycles, more than a generation of women have foolishly bought that destructive nonsense and have denigrated men, marriage, familial obligation, and motherhood—all to their own detriment. Normal, healthy women yearn to be in love, married, and raising children with the man of their dreams. However, when their own mothers, much less society, tell them that they don’t need men to be happy, or to raise children, and that their own children don’t even need a mother raising them (day care will do), it’s caused many women to lose the incentive and the ability to treat their personal lives with the love, dedication, sacrifice, compassion, and loyalty that will ultimately bring them happiness and a sense of purpose.

Sonya, a listener, echoes biblical scriptures with her note:

And at the end of the day…roll over in bed, close your eyes, give him a big hug, and remember that without him, you are only a sorry excuse for a person, but as half of the team, you are invincible.

In Genesis God said, "It is not good that man be

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