The Left Isn't Right

Special Smashwords Edition

THE LEFT ISN'T RIGHT

BY

T. J. O'HARA

THE LEFT ISN'T RIGHT

Special Smashwords Edition

This eBook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This eBook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person you share it with. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then you should return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of the author.

This book is a work of satire. As such it is meant as a humorous yet thought-provoking look at the Platform of the 2008 Democratic Party, Renewing America's Promise. With the exception of the text of the Democratic Party Platform, the opinions expressed within this book are solely those of the author.

THE LEFT ISN'T RIGHT

Copyright © 2010 by T. J. O'Hara. All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book, or portions thereof, in any form. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical without the express written permission of the author. The scanning, uploading, and distribution of this book via the internet or via any other means without the permission of the publisher is illegal and punishable by law. Please purchase only authorized electronic editions, and do not participate in or encourage electronic piracy of copyrighted materials.

This book incorporates the original text of the 2008 Democratic National Platform, Renewing America’s Promise (Copyright © 2008 by the 2008 Democratic National Convention Committee, Inc.) under the doctrine of Fair Use (17 USC 107).

The publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party websites or their content.

Cover Art Design Lorraine Hansen

Cover Photography Kimberly O'Hara

Cover Art Illustrations:

Copyright © istockphoto/Mark Stay (8180012)

Copyright © istockphoto/Mark Stay (1089076)

Copyright © istockphoto/Bob Ash (8115166)

Visit The Common Sense Czar’s website at http://www.TheCommonSenseCzar.net

Become a Follower of The Common Sense Czar’s blog at http://TheCommonSenseCzar.blogspot.com

ISBN:978-1-935670-28-5 (eBook)

ISBN: 978-1-935670-29-2 (Paperback)

Digital design by Telemachus Press, LLC

http://www.telemachuspress.com

eBook published and distributed by http://www.smashwords.com

2011.06.30

THE LEFT ISN'T RIGHT

T. J. O'HARA

Dedication

To my beautiful bride, Kimberly, who inspires and supports me in everything I do … and to the rest of the Pack, Nikki, London and Chanel, who lay by my side as I write and bring me their toys when they think I need a break.

Foreword

In the interest of full disclosure … or should I say "complete transparency?" … I am the product of a mixed marriage: my father was a Republican, and my mother was a Democrat. To add to the complexity: my father was of Irish heritage, and my mother was of Italian heritage; my father was Catholic, and my mother was Protestant; and, my father was a male, and my mother was a female (… I think you have to specify that these days).

My father grew up on an Irish-only street. By that I mean, as the son of an Irish immigrant, he was safe … on his street. However, he could not walk through the street that stood only a block away, because that was a German street, and he would likely be attacked. In case you haven’t seen the movie The Streets of New York, suffice it to say that the Irish held a unique status at the time that was somewhere between that of the early colonial slaves … and pond scum.

My mother was the first-born child of Italian immigrants. Back in those days, Italians enjoyed a higher status that the Irish (… but then, who didn’t?) until that nettlesome thing called World War II broke out. Italy, you see, was part of the Axis of Power along with Germany and Japan; bad news for Italian descendants living in the United States. Never mind that my grandparents were more proud of their United States citizenship than anyone you can imagine or that my mother never set foot in Italy; they were singled out during WWII, and their home was painted by the apparent progeny of today’s taggers with a less-than-artistic swastika.

To add to the confusion, my father was a blue-collar worker, who worked for the newspaper as a journeyman and served as his union’s Secretary/Treasurer. In that latter capacity, my sister and I earned part of our meager allowances by helping him balance the books and write the monthly union report. When technology displaced the need for his craft, my father’s union lost its battle with a competing union for jurisdiction. As a result, he became an entrepreneur and started a modest but successful house painting business. He had bravely served as a commando in the Navy during WWII, often hitting the beaches in the South Pacific with the first wave of Marines. It was an experience in his life that he generally chose not to discuss. But I have no doubt, were he alive today and this country’s freedom at stake, he would take up arms once again without a moment’s hesitation … for he loved this country that much.

Let me apologize ahead of time for the political incorrectness of the next statement, but it’s the truth: my mother was a stay-at-home-mom. There, I said it! Boy, it was sure hard to get it out, but I feel quite relieved.

My mother was always there for my sister and me when we came home from school; she cared for us when we were ill and was active in anything that she thought might contribute in a meaningful way to our lives (e.g., PTA, Playground Mother’s Club, etc.). She was passionate about art and music and made sure that we had an appreciation for both. And Mom was in the audience anytime we spoke, sang, acted or played. She also was a member of the local Civic Association, which was as close as she came to political activism. Yet, she was deeply steeped in the national pride that is so often associated with America’s Greatest Generation and was further driven by one of her parents’ favorite phrases: God bless America!

So now you know! I take my citizenship very seriously. While I was born into it and didn’t have to traverse an ocean or learn a new language, as both sets of my grandparents did, I have a profound respect for what it means. Neither did I have to survive the economic hardships of The Great Depression nor defend my country on foreign soil as my parents did. However, perhaps it is through the intensity of my family members’ experiences and their devotion to what this Nation stands for that has given birth to my undying love for … and commitment to … the United States of America.

And as far as political correctness goes … if that concept is meaningful to you, you may wish to read no further because I have no time for such folly. I was raised to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth … so help me God. If unvarnished honesty offends you, read no further. If the fact that I choose to occasionally call upon the help of a higher power offends you, read no further. However, if you can muster the strength to weather those two concepts, I encourage you to read on.

I write not to convince you … but rather to entertain you and to stimulate your thoughts so that your opinion, moving forward, is more informed and reflects your true feelings rather than what someone else would have you believe. Brace yourself … and enjoy the journey!

THE LEFT ISN'T RIGHT

Introduction

***If you’ve already read the Introduction in one of the other books you may skip this chapter ***

By way of introduction, I am the self-appointed Common Sense Czar. With all due respect to Thomas Paine, author of Common Sense, I think I deserve the job. Besides, Thomas Paine has been dead for over 200 years … even though he’s still registered to vote in three States according to Acorn.

Being a Czar is really cool. Unlike politicians, you don’t have to have to raise money to run; you generally don’t have to be vetted in a rigorous way; and you have reasonably unbridled authority … plus, you get to be called Czar!

As the Common Sense Czar, I apply common sense to the issues of the day; something that has been missing in our Nation’s capital for quite some time. As my first official act, I applied common sense to the current glut of Czars and dismissed all of them except for the Faith-Based Czar. Personally, I can’t imagine why the ACLU hasn’t attacked that particular position with its normal zeal. The issue would seem to be obvious. Maybe it’s Devine intervention. If that’s the case, my common sense tells me not to mess with it.

As for the rest of the positions, the decisions were easy. The Guantanamo Closure Czar was going to lose his job anyway since his position was driven by an Executive Order issued by President Obama on January 22, 2009, to close Gitmo no later than one year from now to quote the President, and we all know how well that’s been going.

The TARP Czar and Stimulus Accountability Czar were also expendable. On February 25, 2009, just eight days after signing the $787-billion dollar economic stimulus package, President Obama stated that he was putting Vice President Joe Biden in charge of the tough, unprecedented oversight effort of the fiscal stimulus plan because nobody messes with Joe. I can’t imagine why we would need these two Czars if Vice President Biden has everything under control.

The departure of the Government Performance Czar was another easy call given our Government’s performance in recent years.

I dumped the Afghanistan Czar and the Sudan Czar because, the last time I looked, these are independent countries. If we have military or humanitarian initiatives in any country, it’s Congress’ responsibility to address the issues. We don’t need Czars for specific countries. If we did, then we should at least start with Russia. They’re used to it.

Then, we’ve got the Mideast Peace Czar. Talk about a dead-end job! These countries have been fighting for over 2,000 years. What are the odds that a political appointee in the United States will be able to resolve their differences? That’s one more position we can eliminate. And while we’re at it, let’s eliminate the Central Region Czar who is responsible for our policies in, you guessed it, the same part of the world; needless duplication. Gone!

While we’re on the subject, we presently have a Terrorist Czar. No, not Bill Ayres (although he might be a good choice under the assumption that it takes one to know one) … a fellow named John Brennan. This is the same John Brennan who allegedly nixed a plan to kill or capture Osama bin Laden back in 1998. Way to establish job security! Eliminating this position shouldn’t exactly create a void.

Staying with the terrorist theme for a moment, I see we have a Weapons Czar and a WMD Policy Czar. Why differentiate? If the Weapons Czar only tackles issues of conventional weaponry (like sling-shots), we don’t need him. If there really are no weapons of mass destruction, we don’t need the WMD Policy Czar either. Assuming for the moment that weapons of mass destruction are not just a figment of former President Bush’s imagination, I’ll establish the policy. Weapons of mass destruction are bad things; particularly in the hands of unstable people. There you have it … a common sense policy and two more positions eliminated.

Along these same lines, we have an Intelligence Czar. Let’s just agree that it’s an obvious oxymoron and eliminate the position to stop the snickering!

We have a Border Czar to protect us from illegal immigration. If you call this Czar’s office, press 1 for English, press 2 for Spanish, press 3 for Tagalog, press 4 for Farsi, press 5 for … well, you get the picture. Applying common sense: we have immigration laws in place. Enforce them! One more position eliminated.

This same solution can be applied to two more positions: Domestic Violence Czar and Drug Czar. Common sense tells us that domestic violence and the illegal use of drugs are bad. We have laws in place against both negative behaviors. Enforce them! That gets rid of those two Czars.

Next, we have a few positions tied to specific locations within our country. We have a Great Lakes Czar. I’ve been to the Lakes. They’re indeed Great. That should cover it. Position eliminated!

We also have a California Water Czar … as if there aren’t any other problems in that State. Interestingly enough, this particular one is man-made. Last year, California and the surrounding States enjoyed record snowfalls, which created an abundance of water. However in 2007, a Federal judge ruled that endangered smelt might get caught in the pumps. So, the pumps were ordered to be shut down to preserve the habitat for the tiny, silver fish. As a result, taxpayers from San Diego to San Jose have been placed on water allocation and have suffered significant rate hikes; farmers have been threatened with foreclosures and bankruptcies because they can’t irrigate their crops; but I’m happy to say that the smelt are enjoying living their lives and being eaten by natural predators. I apologize in advance to environmentalists, but there comes a time when common sense must intervene. So, I say open the pumps, restore the agrarian economy, fish fry at my house, and eliminate this position.

Since I’ve already offended my fellow environmentalists, let’s take a look at three other unnecessary positions: Climate Czar, Energy and Environment Czar, and Green Jobs Czar. If we accept the premise of Global Warming (as established by world-renowned scientist and inventor of the Internet, Al Gore), our climate would seem to be a legitimate issue. Luckily, the Federal and State governments have authority to create laws that make us better citizens of the planet. Unfortunately, we have no authority to legislate what China, India and the rest of the world do. So, the Climate Czar can step down.

Similarly, we don’t have a need for an Energy and Environment Czar. The environmental element is repetitive and, as for energy, I can set the policy: eliminate our dependence on foreign oil; cultivate our natural resources in a responsible way (which doesn’t mean rape the earth any more than it means that accessing them will destroy the world as we know it); and develop new and better alternative fuels.

This brings us to the Green Job Czar, but I need not address this one. Apparently, the White House has already excused him when it was discovered that he took the whole Czar thing a little too literally and pledged allegiance to Stalin. Besides, the title evokes a theme of racial discrimination.

Speaking of jobs, I find it interesting that we don’t have a Jobs Czar. No problem … I can handle it. We do have an Economic Czar, so maybe there’s some overlap. Paul Volcker headed the Federal Reserve during the latter stages of the Carter Administration and through the Reagan years. The good news is that he is credited with helping our Nation overcome stagflation. The bad news