Woefultourist.com (the first 50 travel humor posts)

Woefultourist.com

(the first 50 travel humor posts)

(from the website: http://www.woefultourist.com)

Published by John UKE Kowaluk at Smashwords

Copyright 2011, 2012 by John UKE Kowaluk

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TABLE OF CONTENTS

Introduction

1 – Eiffel Tower – Paris

2 – Airport Screening

3 – The Pickle – London

4 – Free Airline Food – US

5 – Northern California Drivers

6 – Ancient Cultures

7 – Checkpoint Charlie – Berlin

8 – NBA Play on Christmas Day – A Perfect Gift for America

9 – Words and Beer – New Orleans

10 – Fair Fares – How to Book an Airline Flight

11 – Fish Pedicure – Prague

12 – Kissing the Blarney Stone – Ireland

13 – Do I Need to Learn the Local Language

14 – Secret Government Nuclear Test Facilities – Lake Tahoe

15 – How to Book a European Hotel

16 – Vatican Museum – Vatican City

17 – Using Cell Phones Overseas

18 – The Spanish Steps – Rome

19 – Dollar vs Euro

20 – Beefeaters – London

21 – Sacre Coeur Basilica – Paris

22 – Public Restroom Terminology – Europe

23 – Mardi Gras – New Orleans

24 – Cobblestone Streets – Prague

25 – Street Food

26 – Monkeys of Gibraltar – Gibraltar

27 – Global Cooling

28 – South Florida

29 – Honesty Is Not the Best Policy

30 – Maid of the Mist – Niagara Falls, Canada

31 – Should Kids Fly on Planes

32 – The Irish and Beer – Ireland

33 – St. Patrick’s Day – NYC

34 – Continental Breakfast

35 – Orange Trees – Rome

36 – The Great Canadian – Paris

37 – Taking Taxis from the Airport

38 – Driving to Disney World

39 – Dobra Voda – Prague

40 – Public Restroom Terminology – US

41 – Millennium Bridge – London

42 – The Angry Dog – Dallas

43 – New Airport Rules – US

44 – Amplemann – Berlin

45 – Warning Signs – Europe

46 – Most Livable City – Toronto

47 – Travel TV Shows

48 – Hitler’s Bunker – Berlin

49 – Sub Sandwiches – Jersey

50 – The Trevi Fountain - Rome

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INTRODUCTION TO WOEFULTOURIST.COM

I could spend weeks trying to describe in every possible detail what WOEFULTOURIST.COM actually is, but that would take too much time and effort without any guarantee that you would be any closer to understanding things. Instead, I’ll take the easy way out and provide a simple comparison to help you see first hand what WOEFULTOURIST.COM is all about.

So, enjoy these two posts about the Colosseum, in Rome– one by a NORMALTOURIST, and one by WOEFULTOURIST.

Then you’ll understand some of the madness and find yourself begging for more.

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COLOSSEUM –ROME– NORMALTOURIST

As cities continue to remake their skylines, fewer iconic places remain. Those structures that provide universal recognition. New York City has the Statue of Liberty. Paris has the Eiffel Tower. Rome has the Colosseum. Instant association of the site with the city.

It’s a shame that when it comes to the Colosseum, the image we have in our mind lies in sharp contrast to the reality found on the ground.

The sad fact is that the Colosseum is a joke.

It’s like one of those fake towns Hollywood used to build in the desert, when they still filmed westerns. A three block Main Street lined with all the necessary shops – barber, bank, saloon, jail and general store. Hitching posts were everywhere so a cowboy could tie up his horse when he ventured into town. There was always a church with a clock tower.

Everything looked all quaint and cozy until you walked thru the front door of any of the buildings and found that there was nothing on the other side of the door but desert. That’s because it was cheaper for Hollywood to just build the front of the buildings, than the entire structures. So Main Street was nothing more than a series of plywood fronts painted to look like real, complete buildings.

That’s how it felt when NORMALTOURIST went to the Colosseum. Undoubtedly, the exterior represents a remarkable façade. A universally recognizable structure. Star of many a Hollywood epic.

Since you came this far, it would be a shame not to at least go inside the place and mosey around a bit. So you bite the bullet, stand in a very long line and spend your hard earned cash to enter the famed landmark.

Prior to that, you have several pictures taken of yourself with the Colosseum in the background so that you can show your friends back home that you and Chuck Heston have plenty in common.

The Colosseum.

Sounds so manly. Unfortunately, when you actually get inside the space, there’s nothing for you to actually see. The cloth curtains that used to stretch out from the roof to shade the customers from the heat of the sun are long gone. The dirt floor where countless hand to hand battles occurred, is nowhere to be seen. There’s a hole in the ground, some sort of gangplank extending the length of the floor, and remnants of the various chambers underneath the floor where gladiators, Christians, and wild animals spent their last hours before entering the ring. But you can’t actually walk the plank. Or walk thru the rooms underneath. So the only way you can see anything that made the place so special, is to close your eyes and dream very violent thoughts.

Because there’s nothing there to actually see!

It’s an oval arena with lots of stone seating. That’s it! I’m not kidding. No Imax Theatre showing amazing 3-D renderings of what it must have been like two thousand years ago. No actors giving gladiator demonstrations to an enraptured public. No stunt men and women performing dazzling chariot races.

Nothing.

I cannot emphasis this enough. There’s nothing there to see.

Nothing.

If any place was in need of Disney animatronics, this is it.

So if you find yourself in Rome by all means go to the Collosseum and walk around the exterior.  DO NOT ENTER.  Instead, go across the way to the ruins of the Roman Forum and immerse yourself in that very amazing space.

As for wanting to experience what the Colosseum was really like, NORMALTOURIST recommends that you rent the Russell Crowe movie, Gladiator.

Now that’s the Colosseum the way it should still be

*****

COLOSSEUM –ROME– WOEFULTOURIST

When WOEFULTOURIST visited Rome and finally came face to face with the Colosseum, he was like a kid in a candy store. He had a perpetual smile on his face that couldn’t be erased even with 60 grit sandpaper.

Are you kidding me?!

Talk about the dream of a lifetime! This was real history. Culture. The ultimate culmination of hundreds of hours watching every gladiator movie known to man. Because every single one of them took place here. Well, not really here, but a Hollywood recreation of here.

Yeah, this was where it all happened. At least the bloody parts. Wild animals attacking defenseless men, women and children. Gladiators fighting to the death. Man, it doesn’t get more primal than that.

Okay, taking an AK 47 out into the desert and playing kill a commie for mommy is certainly more invigorating. And making a bonfire out of a years worth of junk mail and cooking wienies in the resulting conflagration surely gives you much more satisfaction. But, c’mon, stepping into the same arena as Ben Hur? Shoot, that’s just way too cool.

And WOEFULTOURIST applauds the decision of the modern Roman authorities not to spend a single dime to update any of the facilities. The totally bare bones interior leaves everything to the imagination. Since there’s nothing there for you to see, your mind has to work twice as hard to picture things as they must have been. After all, don’t we create more vivid images in our minds than any entity could ever fabricate in real life?

Hey, that’s what Hitchcock believed. And anyone who can make movies about whacked out seagulls on the offensive, freaks with their mummified mummy running motels and perverts in wheelchairs getting their jollies by spying on their neighbors is clearly someone who knows what they’re talking about.

So, in the case of the Colosseum, less is definitely more. Because, let’s be honest, if the Disney folks ever got a hold of this place, it would be unrecognizable. Probably a Gladiator roller coaster ride rimming the entire perimeter of the structure. With bumper car chariot races at one end. Animatronic lions, tigers and bears eating animatronic helpless Christians in the other. With a Pirates of the Caribbean type ride through the bowels of the place as you watch, from the comfort of your self powered gondola, animatronic renditions of gladiator life. Their training. Their clothing. Their weapons. What they ate. Where they slept. Their locker rooms. Graffiti covered walls with sayings like, Rocco Maximus rules. Or, Septimus Guido