The Borowitz Report: The Big Book of Shockers
4/5
()
About this ebook
From the man The Wall Street Journal hailed as a "Swiftean satirist" comes the most shocking book ever written!
The Borowitz Report: The Big Book of Shockers, by award-winning fake journalist Andy Borowitz, contains page after page of "news stories" too hot, too controversial, too -- yes, shocking -- for the mainstream press to handle. Sample the groundbreaking reporting from the news organization whose motto is "Give us thirty minutes -- we'll waste it."
Andy Borowitz
Andy Borowitz is an award-winning comedian and New York Times bestselling author. He grew up in Cleveland, Ohio, and graduated from Harvard College, where he became President of the Harvard Lampoon. In 1998, he began contributing humor to The New Yorker’s “Shouts & Murmurs” and “Talk of the Town” departments, and in 2001, he created “The Borowitz Report,” a satirical news column, which has millions of readers around the world. In 2012, The New Yorker began publishing “The Borowitz Report.” As a storyteller, he hosted “Stories at the Moth” from 1999 to 2009. As a comedian, he has played to sold-out venues around the world, including during his national tour, “Make America Not Embarrassing Again,” from 2018 to 2020. He is the first-ever winner of the National Press Club’s humor award. He lives with his family in New Hampshire.
Related to The Borowitz Report
Related ebooks
Who Moved My Soap?: The CEO's Guide to Surviving Prison: The Bernie Madoff Edition Rating: 2 out of 5 stars2/5But Enough About You: Essays Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Tired of Winning: A Chronicle of American Decline Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Funny Stuff: The Official P. J. O’Rourke Quotationary and Riffapedia Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsNothing's Sacred Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5I Ran With The Gang: My Life In and Out of the Bay City Rollers Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsBehind the Laughter Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsA Good Life Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Onion Presents: Love, Sex, and Other Natural Disasters: Relationship Reporting from America's Finest News Source Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Awful Truth: My adventures with Australia's most notorious tabloid Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Controversy: And Other Essays in Journalism, 1950–1975 Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Mobituaries: Great Lives Worth Reliving Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Greatest Invention in the History of Mankind Is Beer: and Other Manly Insights from Dave Barry Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Laugh Lines: My Life Helping Funny People Be Funnier Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Wit and Wisdom of Christopher Hitchens: Thoughts of an Outspoken Atheist Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsI, John Kennedy Toole Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5More Political Babble: The Dumbest Things Politicians Ever Said Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe I Hate Trump Book: Past, Present & Future* Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsGod, No!: Signs You May Already Be an Atheist and Other Magical Tales Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Going Gently Into That Tonight Jay Leno Says Goodbye: Again Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Anchorboy Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5The Worst Person In the World: And 202 Strong Contenders Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5A Very Courageous Decision: The Inside Story of Yes Minister Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Trump Wins/ Dems Lose!: The 2020 Republican Jokebook Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsBad Trips: How I Went from VICE Reporter to International Drug Smuggler Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Entitled: A Tale of Modern Baseball Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Seinfeld: The Making of an American Icon Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5The Presidents Club: Inside the World's Most Exclusive Fraternity Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5King of X Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratings
Humor & Satire For You
101 Fun Personality Quizzes: Who Are You . . . Really?! Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5The Best F*cking Activity Book Ever: Irreverent (and Slightly Vulgar) Activities for Adults Rating: 2 out of 5 stars2/5Maybe You Should Talk to Someone: the heartfelt, funny memoir by a New York Times bestselling therapist Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Love and Other Words Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Screwtape Letters Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Don't Panic: Douglas Adams & The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Anxious People: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5A Man Called Ove: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Go the F**k to Sleep Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Soulmate Equation Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5I Will Judge You by Your Bookshelf Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Big Swiss: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Britt-Marie Was Here: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Mindful As F*ck: 100 Simple Exercises to Let That Sh*t Go! Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Solutions and Other Problems Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The 2,548 Wittiest Things Anybody Ever Said Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5And Every Morning the Way Home Gets Longer and Longer: A Novella Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Swamp Story: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5In a Holidaze Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Best Joke Book (Period): Hundreds of the Funniest, Silliest, Most Ridiculous Jokes Ever Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Plato and a Platypus Walk Into a Bar...: Understanding Philosophy Through Jokes Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5I Can't Make This Up: Life Lessons Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Tidy the F*ck Up: The American Art of Organizing Your Sh*t Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Farrell Covington and the Limits of Style: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Everything Is F*cked: A Book About Hope Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Nothing to See Here: A Read with Jenna Pick Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Killing the Guys Who Killed the Guy Who Killed Lincoln: A Nutty Story About Edwin Booth and Boston Corbett Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5
Related categories
Reviews for The Borowitz Report
4 ratings2 reviews
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Mr. Borowitz's writings are always entertaining, but the material in this book is rather dated now. Looking back from 12+ years at some of the events that Mr. Borowitz is satirizing, and knowing how they eventually turned out, I tend to feel more disgust and horror than humor. It's amazing that our country was ever governed by such a bunch of idiots. It was also unfortunate that the book didn't present the stories in the time order they were written, but jumped around between different time periods.
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Outdated. Funny. The American version of Faking News.
Book preview
The Borowitz Report - Andy Borowitz
MAJORITY OF AMERICANS NOW BELIEVE EVIL IS BAD, SURVEY SAYS
Sign that President’s Message May Be Getting Through
In an indication that President Bush has been effective in communicating his message to the American people, a new survey released today indicates that a majority of Americans now believe that evil is bad.
Of those responding, 54 percent strongly agreed with the statement Evil is bad,
with 21 percent strongly agreeing with the statement Evil is very, very bad.
By wide margins, those surveyed also agreed with the statement Evildoers are bad.
In one of the most persuasive pieces of data in the survey, 87 percent agreed with the statement Evildoers are bad because they do evil, which is bad.
And a whopping 91 percent agreed with the statement I really mean it.
The University of Minnesota poll, whose margin of error is plus or minus five percentage points, shows that the President’s message about evil, evildoers, and other evil stuff may be taking hold.
However, those responding to the survey still had some difficulty identifying the three members of the Axis of Evil
whom President Bush identified in his State of the Union speech.
Only 12 percent correctly identified Iran, Iraq, and North Korea, while 23 percent incorrectly named Batman supervillains the Joker, the Riddler, and Catwoman.
President Bush’s speeches about evil being bad have sent approval ratings for evil tumbling to an all-time low.
In other poll results, 61 percent agreed with the statement Washington, D.C., is the capital of the USA,
and 57 percent correctly identified the number two as the sum of one plus one.
KIM’S BLOG
Most people figure that whenever President Bush talks about the Axis of Evil
or evildoers or whatnot, that would really piss me off. Au contraire, homes! The fact is, every time he says the word evil
it’s just more free publicity for yours truly.
Face it, before Bush was President practically no one had even heard of Kim Jong II or North Korea or our superscary nuclear weapons program, but thanks to all of his speeches, my brand awareness is now sky-high. In some parts of the world I’m now better known than Vanilla Coke! There’s only one word for that: awesome.
I’ll tell you something else. Before Bush was elected, I was busting my hump to get publicity—Internet banner ads, radio spots, you name it. I even showed up at the Golden Globes one year with Mary Steenburgen. What did it get me? Nada!
The fact is, nothing gets your name out there faster and better than being called evil
in a State of the Union address. If there’s one thing that bugs me, though, I guess it’s this: people can’t decide whether to spell my name Kim Jung-Il or Kim Jong Il. My publicist says that the whole spelling thing is keeping me from truly breaking out and we’ve got to clear it up somehow if I want to make it to the cover of People. (Everyone knows how to spell Clooney,
she says.) Now I totally understand why Cher and Madonna went the one-name route! I guess when people just start referring to me as Kim,
then I’ll know I’ve arrived.
OSAMA’S WIFE, DEBBIE BIN LADEN, SPEAKS OUT
Rips Terror-Hubby in Exclusive Chat
Question: What’s worse than being the world’s most wanted man, hunted by U.S. Special Operations Forces while bunker-busting missiles jangle your nerves morning, noon and night?
Answer: Being trapped in a one-room cave with four really pissed-off wives.
Much has been written and said about Osama bin Laden, the evildoer, but relatively little is known about Osama bin Laden, the henpecked husband.
Until now.
Sources close to the bin Laden household say that there is trouble in paradise,
and a recent exclusive interview with one of Osama’s four wives, Debbie bin Laden, appears to bear this out.
The world knows how evil Osama is,
Debbie bin Laden says. What they don’t know is how cheap he is.
The exclusive Debbie bin Laden interview appears in the new issue of Angry People, a popular Kandahar magazine.
In it, Debbie bin Laden says that the day the allied bombers knocked out all of the power plants in Kandahar was the happiest day in Osama’s life, because he knew it would bring down our electric bill.
Her husband is so cheap, Debbie bin Laden says, that he allegedly told the Taliban to ban all movies just so he wouldn’t have to take us to any.
It’s no coincidence that they banned dinner and dancing, too,
Mrs. bin Laden says.
His idea of a good time is popping one of those spooky propaganda videos he made into the VCR,
claims Debbie bin Laden. How many times can you watch him going ‘Death to America’? That gets old real fast.
All in all, the picture Debbie bin Laden paints of life with her notorious husband falls far short of the glamour she and her fellow wives—Rhonda bin Laden, Barb bin Laden, and Kelly bin Laden—thought they were marrying into.
I don’t want people to think we’re a bunch of gold-diggers or anything,
Debbie says. But when you marry a millionaire, you don’t think you’re going to spend the rest of your life crouching in a mud hut.
Osama bin Laden’s wife Debbie bin Laden (left) organizes a rally of angry bin Laden wives in a suburb of Kandahar.
CLINTON DELIVERS FIRST STATE OF CHAPPAQUA
ADDRESS
Five-Hour Speech Finally Ends When Neighbors Call Police
Former President Bill Clinton, hoping to establish an annual tradition for his retirement years, delivered his first State of Chappaqua
address tonight from the roof of his suburban home.
The President’s trademark hoarse voice could be heard booming throughout the leafy community, amplified by a handheld megaphone the former President had purchased at Radio Shack earlier in the day.
The wide-ranging speech, which covered such topics as Chappaqua’s schools, traffic and commerce lasted five hours and threatened to continue well into the wee hours of the morning.
But angry neighbors flooded the police with calls, demanding that the authorities tell the former President to stop speaking at once.
Chappaqua residents appeared dismayed and exasperated by the former President’s long-winded address, which several neighbors described as the most tedious speech they had ever heard.
When he first moved here and started driving around with ‘Do You Think I’m Sexy?’ blasting from his car stereo, I thought it couldn’t get any worse than that,
said Carl Bolton, a neighbor of the former President’s. Now I know that it can—much worse.
Former President Bill Clinton poses with his wife, Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-N.Y.), just hours before Chappaqua police forced him to stop talking.
Other residents were more sympathetic with the plight of the former President, who has seemed restless of late in this sleepy New York hamlet.
You have to feel sorry for him,
said resident Ben Tarkow. He’s really seemed bummed out ever since his wife made him take down that telescope.
MOST BASEBALL PLAYERS ON STEROIDS AND THE REST ARE GAY
Pagan Human Sacrifice Rituals Widespread
in Nation’s Pastime, Former Player Says
Baseball was rocked by controversy again today as a former player charged that a majority of baseball players use steroids and the rest are gay.
The former player spoke on condition of anonymity because, in his words, Dudes on steroids can really kick your ass.
Even as Major League Baseball officials refused to comment on the player’s claims, another unnamed player came forward to say that performance-enhancing human sacrifice rituals were widespread
in major league locker rooms.
The unnamed player spoke on condition of anonymity for fear of being burned alive on a pagan pyre.
But he indicated that the practice of human sacrifice was common throughout baseball, especially in the National League Central.
Most of the human sacrifice ceremonies in baseball are in supplication to Norse deities such as Odin or Thor, the unnamed player said.
Few baseball players were willing to comment on the heathen ritual controversy, but one player, speaking on condition of anonymity, said he thought that the issue was no big deal.
If a guy is hitting the ball well, I don’t think the fans care if he’s burning human flesh for Odin when he’s off the field,
the unnamed player said.
Further roiling the baseball world today were the accusations of yet another unnamed player, who charged that well over half the players in Major League Baseball have no names.
I’m not going to name names,
the unnamed player said. They know who they are.
New York Yankees fans are dismayed to learn that all of their favorite players are either using steroids or gay.
QUEEN ELIZABETH CAUGHT SMOKING POT
In Latest Royal Bust, Stoned Sovereign Found with Giant Spliff
In the latest drug scandal to hit the British royal family, Queen Elizabeth II was found smoking a gigantic marijuana spliff
in a garden shed behind Buckingham Palace today.
A cloud of smoke from the enormous joint was spotted rising above the palace by eagle-eyed tourists who were waiting to see the Changing of the Guard, a popular London tourist attraction.
Fearing that the garden shed was on fire, palace guards burst into the small outbuilding and found the British sovereign puffing on the enormous spliff while listening to a boom box playing last year’s surprise hit