Liberal Climate Scientists Hate Our America & We Must Stop It! An Unbiased Patriotic Rejection of Climate Change

Preface: Environmentalists Scalp America's Bald Eagle of Freedom

The mighty American eagle has soared like a falcon over the global landscape ever since this glorious nation was founded nearly twelve-score years ago. Our majestic avian emblem has risen on the updrafts of freedom and ridden the mighty breezes of capitalism to heights never before reached by any national symbol on Earth. But our patriotic bird is under threat like never before, by insidious forces that wish to shoot her from the sky and dance a hateful jig over her lifeless corpse. Many of these threats, as they always have, come from hostile foreign forces. The Soviet Union is no more, but the great Russian Bear has been neither defanged nor declawed, and others have rushed in to fill the void of enmity. The Chinese Dragon looms ominously, smoke rising from its flared nostrils, ready to strike at our Eagle's very heart, all the while surreptitiously stealing eggs from her nest. The Arabian Horse, the Camel, the Markhor, and the Persian Leopard from the Middle East and Central Asia threaten our treasured emblem at home and in the skies. Her habitat is even threatened by her closest neighbors—the fearsome Chihuahua of Mexico and the mighty Beaver of Canada, which may rush in at any moment and strike her down—should she show weakness or empathy.

No external threat, however, is as great as the threats our prideful eagle faces from within. There are those among us who wish to capture our mighty winged fowl, to pluck her feathers and shackle her fearsome talons. To render her offspring harmless doves, forgoing the red meat of success in favor of an anemic diet of plants and seeds. I speak, of course, of America's political left, and its armies of liberal academics, socialist politicians, labor unionists, and self-styled intellectuals. This assemblage of limp-wristed thinks-too-much-ne’er-do-wells is a threat too grave—indeed, much too grave—to confront through overwrought metaphors alone. We need powerful words that lead to powerful sentences and to powerful paragraphs, and ultimately, to this, the most powerful book on climatology since Jesus wrote the story of Noah’s Ark.

Environmental scientists, climatologists, and environmental activists are amongst the most dangerous soldiers in this socialist army. These unpatriotic rainbow warriors have been responsible for legislation that is more harmful to American capitalism than anything since the introduction of oppressive child labor laws. No less an authority on U.S. history than United States Congresswoman Michele Bachmann [1] perfectly summarized the disastrous confluence of scientific activism and government overreach when she remarked that the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) should be renamed the Job Killing Organization of America.

The media is completely complicit. In 2012, coverage of the hot, dry weather that affected much of the United States over the summer was referred to by the media in overblown, sensational terms such as record breaking drought, merely because many places had less rainfall than at any time in recorded history. Of course, the joke was on the media, who were quickly proven wrong in 2013, 2014, and 2015, when many places became even drier than they were during 2012—some record, right? Similarly, the media stampedes toward the biased, hyperbolic term deadly heat wave every time it gets really hot and a lot of people die from it. Fortunately, most patriotic Americans recognize these types of events for what they are—simply terrible tragedies caused by completely random weather patterns bestowed upon us by our benevolent Creator. The liberal media and their affiliated scientific experts of course, try to promote their radical agenda by claiming that temperature and rainfall have something to do with the Earth’s climate. It must be global warming! We must stop burning fossil fuels! they say, usually with very left-wing expressions plastered on their liberal mouths and Marxism glowing in their beady socialist eyes. Few of these Leninist media outlets, if any, pointed out that droughts and heat waves have occurred as far back as the 1700's and that many people have died in the past, not just from heat and drought, but from a lot of other things. But why would they? This would completely undermine the agenda they are constantly promoting—that human activity is making conditions on the planet increasingly worse, and that America's rich and powerful must pay the price.

This biased response is not isolated, but instead is emblematic of our current situation. These days it seems as if all the planet's problems are blamed on human activity. Whether it is the loss of the world's rainforests, high radioactivity levels in Fukushima, or oil residue washing up on the shores of the Gulf of Mexico, scientists and the media reflexively point the finger of blame at our own species, and then point that same damning finger even harder at America. The furor over climate change, as described above, exemplifies this attitude. Problems as diverse as summer heat waves, sea level rise, the decline of species in the Arctic, and an increase in storm frequency have all been conveniently blamed on the vague phenomenon known popularly as global warming. Humans are bad for the planet, we are constantly told, because we burn fossil fuels and create pollution. Unfortunately, the United States takes the brunt of the blame, merely because we are the richest, most powerful, and most successful country ever on Earth, ever [2]!

So I sit here alone before my laptop today, much of yesterday, and several days last week while my daughter was taking a nap, to make a spontaneous confession to the American people. I am an environmental scientist, specializing in the study of climate. I have been a party to everything that has gone wrong with this country since Ronald Reagan rode off into the sunset up to his now bygone shining city on a hill [3]. But I offer this humble confession only to make amends. I no longer wish to ravenously suck the sweet honey from the flower of liberty that springs from our rich, capitalist soils. I wish to distance myself from my academic colleagues and the other 47% of Americans that are dependent upon government handouts and the EPA for everything from a living wage to breathable air.

Unfortunately, as a lifelong academic, I have a limited skill-set, almost no ability to create jobs, and a warped perspective on the real world, so my purpose was not initially clear. Fortunately, after several minutes of soul-searching and listening to AM radio, the answer hit me like a block of ice falling from the West Antarctic Ice Sheet. I could do my patriotic duty by exposing the dangerous folly that is environmental science, and develop my own common sense science to preserve America's greatness.

Traditional science once had its place in American life. During the Industrial Revolution, it established of some the basic technological principles that helped our society prosper. These days, however, science is only important in certain highly-specialized fields, such as computing, medicine, engineering, agriculture, transportation, energy, and defense. For the most part, scientists do abstruse research that is meant only for other scientists. I don't want to make unrealistically precise generalizations, but 91.3 % of scientists make absolutely no contribution to American society and another 7.4% do more harm than good. Environmental scientists and climatologists make up a big part of this 7.4%, because they myopically put facts and evidence ahead of the more reassuring answers that prosperous job-creating Americans want to hear. It is only common sense, therefore, that these scientists should stop. They are causing the destruction of the greatest national economy that has ever existed.

As an initial step in my quest, I have begun to assemble a group of like-minded scientists, pundits, thinkers, talkers, and others, who value this great country more than they value unpatriotic facts on a computer monitor, soulless peer-reviewed research, or the respect of the scientifically literate. I will focus these efforts largely on fossil fuels. I argue that oil, far from being an evil product that will lead us to ruin, is exactly the fuel that will continue to power this country to unrivaled prosperity. To demonstrate my ongoing commitment to gasoline, the fuel of the future, I have named this scientific group Climate Researchers Advocating Petroleum. Our goal will be to outline how the scientific community has used their craft to hoodwink the public into renouncing its freedoms while growing enormously rich and powerful in the process [4]. The following volume is an assemblage of some of their essays—based on common sense science and uncritical patriotism—that will attempt to tear down the hoax that is climate change and restore our great nation to the state of perfection the Founding Fathers and their slaves envisioned when they first dumped King George's tea into Boston Harbor more than eleven score and twenty-two years ago.

Fed by the landfills of our prosperity, with bones strengthened by the heavy metals of capitalism, our Majestic Eagle will soar ever higher, well into the first two-fifths of the Twenty-First Century! And Always!

Yours Truly,

America [5]

Notes—Read the Notes. Every chapter. They’re notable.

1. Now former congresswoman, bless her heart.

2. Including the future.

3. Some Reagan scholars argue that he came down from the shining city on the hill.

4. Bunsen Burners for everyone!

5. Co-author: Dalton Pepper

Chapter 1

Global Warming— Facts vs. Truth

Dr. Dalton Pepper, Big-time academic

In 2014, we were bombarded with apocalyptic news about so-called climate change—at least when the power wasn't out due to winter storms or drought-induced wildfires. The IPCC released its Fifth Assessment Report [6], and the United States government released its most comprehensive report ever on climate change [7]. These reports provide further confirmation that scientists and government officials just won't shut up about climate change. The U.S. government report, in particular, has the audacity to devote valuable energy—which is badly needed for air conditioning—to make the case that climate change is a problem right now, not simply an issue for our children or grandchildren.

I don't want you to waste valuable time reading these reports—there are SUV's to be driven, firearms to be shot, and an ever-expanding universe of Kardashians to be kept up with (and now a Caitlin [8]). Let me summarize. The reports claim that the global warming has been occurring since the Nineteenth Century (Fig.1) and its effects, including heat waves, droughts, flooding, warming in the high latitudes, and ecosystem impacts, are being observed around the