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    Dealing with a Narcissist ~ 8 Steps to Raise Self-Esteem and Set Boundaries with Difficult People
    Dealing with a Narcissist ~ 8 Steps to Raise Self-Esteem and Set Boundaries with Difficult People
    Dealing with a Narcissist ~ 8 Steps to Raise Self-Esteem and Set Boundaries with Difficult People
    Ebook145 pages1 hour

    Dealing with a Narcissist ~ 8 Steps to Raise Self-Esteem and Set Boundaries with Difficult People

    By Darlene Lancer JD LMFT

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    About this ebook

    Codependency author and expert Darlene Lancer explains the narcissist’s mind and motives and the personality of their partners. Dealing with a Narcissist reveals the unconscious forces driving their mutual attraction and relationship dynamics and sheds light on the damaging impact narcissists have on their partners and children. This is also workbook with strategies that can improve your self-esteem and help you maintain your self-respect and set boundaries in relationships with addicts, narcissists, or emotionally abusive people.

    If you were at first charmed by a narcissist, you soon had to contend with self-centeredness, defensiveness, and escalating criticisms and demands. Trying to satisfy them can feel impossible, and neither stops abuse, nor produces genuine caring and reciprocity. You end up frustrated and hurt that your feelings and needs are dismissed or ignored. Steadily, your self-esteem, confidence, trust, and independence decline in the relationship, as you give up more of yourself.

    Whether you want to improve your relationship or are ambivalent about staying or leaving, Dealing with a Narcissist - 8 Steps to Raise Self-Esteem and Set Boundaries will provide clarity and tools to handle interactions with difficult people. You'll strengthen your self-esteem and gain the ability to set boundaries and communicate effectively. Eight steps are recommended with specific exercises and techniques, which are applicable to any relationship with a difficult person—whether passive-aggressive, controlling, abusive, manipulative, or with a borderline or narcissistic personality disorder.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherDarlene Lancer JD LMFT
    Release dateOct 7, 2015
    ISBN9781310405938
    Dealing with a Narcissist ~ 8 Steps to Raise Self-Esteem and Set Boundaries with Difficult People
    Author

    Darlene Lancer JD LMFT

    Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT is a marriage and family therapist. She is a relationship expert and author of "Codependency for Dummies" and "Conquering Codependency and Shame: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You," as well as five ebooks. Ms. Lancer has counseled individuals and couples for 30 years and coaches internationally. She’s a sought after speaker at national conferences, in media, and to professional groups and institutions. Her articles have been published widely in professional and popular periodicals. More information about her seminars and coaching packages are available on her website, http://www.whatiscodependency.com, where you can subscribe to her blogs and get a free copy of “14 Tips for Letting Go.” Find her on http://www.youtube.com, Twitter @darlenelancer, and http://Facebook.com/codependencyrecoveryHer articles have been published widely in professional and popular periodicals. You can find her blogs at www.WhatisCodependency.com and www.Darlenelancer.com. More information about her seminars and coaching packages are available on her website, www.whatiscodependency.com.

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    Book preview

    Dealing with a Narcissist ~ 8 Steps to Raise Self-Esteem and Set Boundaries with Difficult People - Darlene Lancer JD LMFT

    Dealing with a Narcissist

    8 Steps to Raise Self-Esteem and Set Boundaries in Difficult Relationships

    By

    Darlene Lancer, LMFT

    Author of:

    Codependency for Dummies

    Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You

    10 Steps to Self-Esteem: The Ultimate Guide to Stop Self-Criticism

    Spiritual Transformation in the Twelve Steps

    How To Speak Your Mind - Become Assertive and Set Limits

    Freedom from Guilt and Blame - Finding Self-Forgiveness

    Codependency's Recovery Daily Reflections

    Dealing with a Narcissist

    8 Steps to Raise Self-Esteem and Set Boundaries in Difficult Relationships

    Darlene Lancer

    ©2015 Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT

    Smashwords Edition

    All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted by any means—electronic, mechanical, photographic (photocopying), recording, or otherwise—without prior permission in writing from the author.

    The information in this book is intended to be educational and not for diagnosis, prescription, or treatment of any mental health disorder. Without a personal, individual, professional consultation with you, the author is unable to give you professional psychological advice. Hence, you understand that the material contained herein is general in nature, and the author disclaims any personal liability, directly or indirectly for suggestions and information in this book.

    Printed in the United States of America

    Learn more at www.whatiscodependency.com

    Table of Contents

    Introduction

    Chapter 1. What Is Narcissism?

    The Myth of Narcissus

    The Continuum of Narcissism

    NPD Diagnosis

    Subtypes of Narcissism

    Chapter 2. Narcissus — Understanding a Narcissist

    The Cause of Narcissism

    Underlying Beliefs

    The Narcissistic Parent

    Chapter 3. Echo — Understanding Yourself

    Chapter 4. Relationships with Narcissists

    Lack of Boundaries

    The Role of Defenses

    Intimacy Problems

    Chapter 5. Facing the Truth

    Chapter 6. Step One — Acceptance

    Chapter 7. Step Two — Increase Your Awareness

    Chapter 8. Step Three — Detach with Love

    Chapter 9. Step Four — Build Your Self-Esteem

    Chapter 10. Step Five — Change Your Reactions

    Chapter 11. Step Six — Be Assertive

    Chapter 12. Step Seven — Nurture Yourself

    Chapter 13. Step Eight — Become Autonomous

    Chapter 14. Summing Things Up

    Appendix - Narcissistic Personality Quizzes

    About the Author

    Introduction

    Countless people contact me about their unhappiness and difficulties dealing with a difficult loved one, usually a partner or parent. The person is uncooperative, selfish, defensive, and often abusive. When it’s their parent, by the time they reach adulthood, the emotional abandonment, control, and criticism that they experienced growing up has negatively affected their self-esteem and capacity for achieving success or sustaining loving, intimate relationships.

    When their primary is relationship in trouble, they feel torn between their love and their pain, between staying and leaving, but can seem to do neither. They’re deeply hurt and frustrated that despite their pleas and efforts, their partner lacks consideration for their feelings and needs. They feel betrayed that the romantic, considerate, and attentive person they fell in love with disappeared as time went on. Uniformly, their self esteem, trust, and independence steadily declined during the relationship. They admitted feeling less sure of themselves than they once did. Some had given up their studies, career, hobbies, family ties, or friends to appease their partner.

    Occasionally, they experience remembrances of the warmth and caring from the person with whom they first fell in love—often brilliant, creative, talented, successful, handsome, or beautiful. They don’t hesitate to say that they’re committed to staying in the relationship, if only they felt more loved and appreciated. For some people, divorce is not an option. They may be co-parenting with an ex, staying with a spouse for parenting or financial reasons, or they want to maintain family ties with a narcissistic or difficult relative. Some want to leave, but lack the courage.

    After writing Codependency for Dummies, a large number of people contacted me who were in a relationship with a narcissist that neither drank nor abused drugs. The personality profile of my clients was similar to someone living with an addict, who is accustomed to conflict, constant anxiety, self-sacrifice, and frequent verbal abuse.

    The term narcissism is commonly used to describe personality traits among the general population. Also, a degree of healthy narcissism makes a well-balanced, strong personality. (I include some quizzes you can take to evaluate yourself.) A narcissistic personality disorder is much different and has specific criteria that must be met for a diagnosis. The personality disorder also varies from mild to extreme.

    In reading this book, some of the traits or examples won’t fit your situation, but utilize the exercises and suggestions that apply, and overlook those that don’t. They will assist you in dealing with anyone who is uncooperative or abusive. You’ll benefit whether or not the person you love is a narcissist. This book is designed not only to inform, but also to help you take action and improve your communication. It’s a workbook. It will be most useful if you keep a journal or notebook and complete the recommended exercises. Some require practice. Doing so can improve your relationship satisfaction, help you resolve any indecision about remaining in your relationship, and give you the strength to leave if you so decide.

    Although male outnumber female narcissists, I’ve tried to be gender neutral and therefore refer to narcissist, to minimize the cumbersome, confusing alternative of switching between he and she. If the difficult person in your life isn’t a narcissist, substitute his or her name as you read. Finally, although I refer to your partner," if you’re seeking help with a friend, parent, sibling, or other relative or co-worker, merely apply what you read to that relationship.

    This book is not meant to be a replacement for professional, psychological advice or therapeutic counseling. If counseling or individual guidance is needed, please see a qualified professional in your area who is competent with regard to the subject matter of this book.

    I sincerely hope that reading this will enlighten you and help improve your relationship and sense of well-being.

    Chapter 1

    What Is Narcissism?

    Narcissism is often used to describe personality traits of inordinate self-love, arrogance, and vanity. It was first applied psychologically by Havelock Ellis (1898) in referencing Metamorphoses, by the Roman poet Ovid, which recounts the Greek moral tale of Narcissus and Echo.

    Freud later wrote about primary narcissism as an initial developmental stage, describing the egocentricity of young children, before they learn reciprocity and the ability to take in the perspective of others. Narcissism also describes adults who lack these traits. When it’s pervasive and enduring, it constitutes a personality disorder, according to the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, discussed below.

    The Myth of Narcissus

    This poignant myth is instructive because it crystallizes the problem of relationships with narcissists. Narcissus was a beautiful hunter who broke the heart of the many women who loved him. Despite their love, he remained aloof. In fact, with arrogance and pride, he held them in disdain.

    Meanwhile, the beautiful forest nymph Echo had incurred the ire of the goddess Juno for talking too much. Juno punished Echo

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