Creating The Healthy Marriage You Want

Copyright

Copyright 2016 Phillip Kiehl, LMFT

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in reviews and certain other non-commercial uses permitted by copyright law.

Dedication

This book is dedicated to men and women I have met who have found the courage to participate in a healthy marriage.

I also dedicate this book to my lovely wife, Cynthia, who 16 years ago decided to go on a journey with me building a healthy marriage. We have come a long way honey, and I am happy we too have moved from accusations to acceptance. And I love you for this.

Acknowledgments

I feel the need to begin by being vulnerable and acknowledge I am not a writer. Yes, I have two graduate degrees which demanded of me to write many term papers, but I never had a desire to write a book. When I was 40 years old pursuing a graduate degree, I had to take Greek. It was there I was exposed to not knowing English. I was humbled. I guess I snoozed through high school when I took English, as I had difficulty in this Greek class knowing the difference between a noun and a verb.

But as life unfolds, you can learn from your mistakes and weakness, and this book is an acknowledgement of this accomplishment. I am forever grateful to my lovely wife, Cynthia, who graded and edited my term papers back then and has been a constant help with my writing and speaking. Her editing of this book has pushed her patience in helping me with her red pen and glasses. I am thankful for her influence. Deep down, secretly, she always hoped I would write a book someday.

I also want to acknowledge two men who have shaped my life tremendously: Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. Their speaking, writing, and seminars have helped shape me to who I am today as a therapist and person. I am also very grateful to my editor, Beth-Marie Miller, as her keen insights and suggestions have made this a better book.

Introduction

In today’s world, spouses are finding it harder than ever to stay connected and remain married. Spouses have turned to the strategy of accusing each other, hoping this will fix the marriage. But after countless attempts to do this, each spouse feels hurt and lonely. Have you said recently to yourself, Why do we blame one another so much? Why are we not happy and connected in comparison to other couples I know? Is there something wrong with me, you, or us?

This book will challenge you to look at yourself in the mirror and determine whether you as an individual are healthy or you as a couple are healthy in the way we treat one another. You will assess by answering these questions: What do I do to contribute to the health or unhealthiness of this marriage? Why do I accuse, or why does my spouse accuse me, and these accusations lead to hostility and hurt? What am I do doing or what are we doing that we cannot accept each other, but instead blame each other?

Using the top ten differences, this book has been designed to help you evaluate your marriage in a concise manner by knowing what the traits are and patterns of a healthy marriage versus an unhealthy marriage. Stop the madness of accusing one another and learn how to accept one another. Acceptance does not mean ignoring serious problems such as cheating, drugs, alcoholism, pornography, or abusive patterns. But fixing one another’s problems will never lead to accepting one another for better or for worse.

As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I know firsthand in my marriage of sixteen years how my wife and I have been challenged with these ten differences and have learned to stop accusing one another and accept one another. Trust me; I know this is not easy. But in my years of counseling couples, I have witnessed incredible results when spouses stop accusing one another and become healthy spouses for their marriage. As a result of learning these ten differences and applying this knowledge to your marriage, you will find that you are less lonely, less frustrated and angry, and have more resolution and a deeper understanding connection in your marriage.

I dare you to start moving from unhealthy to healthy patterns practicing these differences and becoming a happier person for a happy marriage. I promise you a healthy marriage is possible as you take the time to work and apply these principles to become two accepting spouses. My goal is to save your marriage from being another statistic of divorce like other marriages you know, and participate in making a positive difference in your marriage for the sake of connection with your spouse. So don’t avoid, don’t quit, and stop accusing immediately for the sake of your marriage. Do it for you and do it for each other and do it now!

So my invitation and challenge for you and the sake of your marriage is to take the stand and start reading this book, assessing the top ten differences between an unhealthy and a healthy marriage. Stop waiting for him or her to change, stop waiting for the stars to line up perfectly or for life to be fair. Take initiative and be a difference maker for your marriage. Set the example with your spouse so that other couples will start to compare their unhappy lonely marriages to yours and will want to know what the secret is, why your marriage is happy and connected. As you begin to implement this healthy behavior, others will begin to notice, and they will want to learn from you how you and your spouse became happy. You can then give a testimony to the hard work you have done creating the healthy marriage you and your spouse both want.

Preface

In general, spouses don’t just wake up one day and decide, ‘Hey, I want to be an unhealthy person, and my goal is to create an unhealthy marriage.’ Hopefully each spouse does not make it a new year’s resolution to be an unhealthy spouse. But the reality of life is that all of us, purposely or not, end up hurting one another, and these relationship hurts result in a pattern of creating unhealthy marriages and unhappy people. When two people have difficulty resolving relationship hurts, this will only lead to prolonging patterns of an unhealthy marriage.

You probably want to be healthy—many people today are focused on wanting to make healthy choices. Bookstores have been flooded with books on which foods to eat, which restaurants to choose, and how to maintain fitness. Overall our society seems to want to create healthy over unhealthy in all areas of life. I’m inviting you to create a healthy marriage.

In Part One I want to discuss two key qualities that make up or describe key differences between healthy and unhealthy marriages. The goal of this section is for each spouse to understand in general what it means to be healthy. What are the traits, habits, and descriptions of becoming healthy versus unhealthy? Over the years, research, observation, and experience in the field of marriage therapy have increased our understanding of what it takes to create a healthy marriage. When healthy relationship happens, then the fruit or the rewards are two people who are healthy, participating in building a healthy marriage.

I also discuss the important concept of intentions. Have you ever wondered where your spouse is coming from? What are they saying and why? When you understand the intention of the other person, maybe you can reduce the conflict between the two of you by understanding where that person is coming from. Healthy intentions lead to desiring and wanting a healthy marriage, whereas unhealthy intentions lead to spouses only focusing on themselves.

In Part Two I want to talk about the top ten differences between healthy and unhealthy intentions. My biggest fear is that you will use what you learn from this book as weapons or strategies to separate or divorce your spouse. That is not my intention. I am FOR spouses and FOR marriage, and we all need to understand that every marriage is made up of two broken people who will and do hurt one another. At the beginning of each of these differences, I have included a brief quiz for the means of examining your marriage. There is no score to compute for these questions. I also have included at the end of each of the differences some suggestions about what to do, to both improve and address that particular difference for your marriage.

The saying is true: hurting people hurt people. And who amongst us has never been hurt? It is easy for hurting spouses to quit working on themselves or the marriage, and then they get blindsided when one spouse wants to quit or has an affair, or pulls away and pursues other activities. A healthy marriage takes two people wanting to both pursue and intentionally engage in the process of creating a healthy marriage. When this happens, it is a set up for a marathon where both people want to finish their life with one another. Healthy spouses view the marriage as a marathon, unhealthy spouses view the marriage as a hundred yard dash.

In Part Three, I provide some keys and strategies you can do to improve your marriage. As a spouse reading this book, I provide some steps you can do to become a healthier spouse for your marriage. I also outline some steps and solutions for both spouses as they work on finding healthier ways to relate to each other. I know that change is difficult and can be one of the biggest hurdles for our lives. So be patient as you learn these strategies and don’t quit, but really do recognize that healing is possible to build a marriage where two people are not accusing one another with unhealthy intentions and move to accepting one another with healthy intentions.

As you read this book, hopefully you will find yourself wanting to participate in a healthy marriage. I have always taken the stance that a happier life results from building healthy relationships. When you are loved and giving love, when you are trustworthy and building trusting relationships, overall your life goes more smoothly and is more fulfilling. When you are able to recognize how stress, conflict, and hurt from unhealthy patterns affect you and the marriage, then you will want to pursue and engage in healthier ways. A good and happy life is filled with love and trust from both spouses giving and receiving healthy accepting responses to and from each other.

In addition, this book is similar to a common theme today as people are focused on wanting to make healthy choices. In the area of eating and nutrition, books today give advice on which foods to eat, advice on eating this and not eating that, and suggestions on what healthy restaurants or eating places to choose. People today do want to learn to eat this and not eat that with the overall emphasis on wanting to eat healthier. In general, unhealthy marriages are focused on fixing their spouse’s problems in their pursuit of arguing what he or she should be doing differently. Healthy marriages are focused on accepting one another and concerned with how ‘we’ together are participating and engaging in creating a healthy marriage.

So thanks for choosing this book to begin the journey of building a healthy marriage. A marriage does take work and time, but if you value a healthy marriage and are seeking ways to create it, I can promise you, it is possible and very rewarding. So use this book to evaluate your marriage, your spouse and yourself: affirm things you are already doing right, and discover how you can build a healthier marriage.

Part One

What Is Healthy

Versus Unhealthy?

What Are the Traits

of a Healthy Versus

an Unhealthy Marriage?

What do you think of when describing what is a healthy or an unhealthy marriage? Maybe this is something that you don’t think about, or maybe you are so used to being in an unhealthy marriage that you’ve forgotten what healthy looks like, and now your unhealthy marriage seems normal for you. Do you know what a healthy or unhealthy marriage is? Have you ever sat down and thought about the spouse in your life and considered: What are some of the healthy character traits of our marriage that bring intimacy and trust? What are some of the character traits that lead to conflict, doubt, fear, and mistrust for our marriage?

For example, when it comes to our eating habits, you may know the importance of looking over ingredients and checking out the numbers when it comes to fat content, calories, carbohydrates, and both salt and sugar intake. Today our society is a lot more educated and smart when it comes to checking out the numbers on food items at a restaurant or the numbers on the back of a package to determine if the numbers line up with what you would consider healthy or unhealthy. And this is good by taking responsibility for our health and seeking to become healthier. But what about your marriage? What ingredients make up a healthy marriage? For example, what if I were to ask of you to choose a recipe for lasagna? One recipe calls for cheese, tomato sauce, noodles, ground beef, and sausage. Another uses eggplant, spinach, and pesto instead of the meat. The third recipe