Pass Your Theory Test In A Day

CHAPTER ONE

BIG BOSS

‘Get in, sit down, hold on, belt up.’

– Bumper sticker

The red oak door swung inwards to admit a draught of distilled testosterone, the waiting applicants turned to watch the formidable figure of the Big Boss enter. Shoulders straightened and chests expanded as they jostled for attention. He didn’t acknowledge them until he had reached the lectern on the far side of the room, only then did he turn to appraise the motley gathering that had answered the call for specialist drivers. Could any of them even pass a theory test he wondered? His gaze rested momentarily on a mane of blonde hair nestling, incongruously, amongst its taller stubble-festooned male counterparts. He was reminded of one of the names his sidekick had shortlisted as having outstanding potential. Amber. She was looking back unwaveringly, making him acutely aware of his belt groaning against a mandate long since exceeded. They were all looking at him expectantly, a mixture of curiosity and determination playing off well- rehearsed poker faces. Her own expression gave nothing away.

‘Good afternoon gentlemen… and lady,’ he began. ‘As you are aware, Sidekick has been monitoring all of you closely today and has identified three amongst you that possess the potential for a very special driving job.’ He paused to let the murmurs die down.

They had all been out on the race track that morning performing time trial laps, but, unbeknownst to them, Sidekick had been assessing them both on AND off the track for the qualities Big Boss needed from his new driver.

‘I will now issue an invitation to those three candidates to stay on until tomorrow when they will be required to pit their wits against each other on the demon road.’ This sent fresh murmurs rippling through the gathering. ‘Would Green... Amber... and Red remain. The rest of you can now leave.’

Once the jostling and angry muttering had receded and his audience reduced to three, he spoke again. The blonde was still there he noted.

‘Congratulations. In a few days one of you will be my new driver. But understand this,’ he said, his face rearranging itself into a penetrating no-nonsense glare, ‘the cargo you will be transporting is more valuable than anything you have ever known before in your miserable lives. I need the best, therefore I intend pushing you to the very limit of your abilities such as they may be. I need to know if you have what it takes to handle extreme pressure and still respond appropriately. You will be asked to sign release forms. If you do not survive the demon road test then that is not my luck out.’ A hunched figure shuffled across the floor to stand beside the big man. ‘Sidekick will now take you down to the Flea Pits where you may select your weapon of choice from my collection of motors. Just one more thing,’ he said as he turned to leave. ‘For anonymity you were each assigned a colour to be known by, continue to use them for the duration of this interview process. I will see you again in the morning.’

The three candidates watched as the Big Boss turned and left. ‘This way,’ Sidekick said, and led them through the labyrinthine mansion before stopping at a double set of brushed steel elevator doors.

‘Are we to be taken to the bat cave next?’ Red asked, and rolled his eyes at Amber as the elevator rumbled downwards.

‘No, Mr Red, the Flea Pits,’ Sidekick said. The elevator landed softly and opened its doors. A thousand tiny led lights embedded in the ceiling of a vast showroom winked off the black granite flooring and the flawless metal surfaces of an array of racing cars that ranged from the classic to the latest super cars. A subtle undercurrent of neatsfoot oil and polish was all that betrayed the love lavished on these silent residents. The three applicants stood together drinking in the sight.

‘When the Big Boss said Flea Pitts,’ Amber finally murmured, ‘I imagined something quite different.’

‘Me too,’ Red said.

‘We are not there yet,’ Sidekick said and resumed walking.

At the far end of the showroom large hanger doors stood open, inviting in the humid dusk air along with the sound of chirruping crickets.

‘Come,’ Sidekick said and ushered them across the shiny granite surface, past the gleaming cars that Red could barely resist touching and into a less auspicious area that might have more suitably befitted Amber’s initial image of the Flea Pits. ‘When you have finished here Mr Green, Mr Red, Ms Amber, dinner will be served in the kitchens. From there you may avail yourselves of the library before you are shown to your rooms for the night. I will return presently but for now I will hand you over to Flea.’

They looked around for Flea and saw an overalled character emerging from a pit beneath elevated ramps. In contrast to his salubrious surroundings he embodied the image of a greasy backstreet mechanic complete with smeared cheek and oily rag in hand.

‘So you’re the cream of the crop,’ he said looking them over. ‘Well, we will soon see what you can really do, hey?’ His eyes sparkled brightly as they lingered unapologetically on the slim woman who was radiating a fierce presence. Her designer clothes looked like they had been tasked with finding and accentuating her assets. He couldn’t deny they had succeeded admirably.

‘What is the Demon Road?’ she asked, looking back at him with some amusement. ‘Nobody has told us yet.’

Ah, what is the Demon Road indeed, that is the question wouldn’t you agree?’ he said, a sudden feeling of inadequacy robbing him of a proper answer.

‘And why might we need the use of a library?’ Green added. ‘Another good question, and pertinent too, yes indeed,’ he said unconsciously inflating his pigeon chest to mirror the suited geek standing so rigidly before him. Flea thought Green might have spent the whole night starching those navy pinstripes.

Are we going to be racing each other?’ Red asked. ‘Because if that’s so you might as well just give me the job now. That’s right Cupcake,’ he said when Amber snorted.

There’s always a maverick Flea thought, all shabby Chic and sun- bleached grins. This one fitted the profile right down to the carefully teased hair and fabric-softened jeans. ‘Nothing is ever so clear and simple where the Big Boss is concerned Mr Red, no indeed,’ Flea said. ‘You would be wise to remember that.’

He led them into another room where a smaller collection of cars rested. ‘From these, you may make your selections,’ he said.

‘These aren’t race cars,’ Red protested. ‘We can’t race these out on a race circuit. It would be an insult to the track.’

‘You are right and that would tell us very little about you, other than that you can drive around in circles. No Mr Red, out there, on the public roads is where you will be doing your stuff.’

‘Now just a minute, with so many speed cameras on the roads, you can’t expect us to take to the streets like cannonball runners,’ Green said.

Flea scowled thoughtfully. ‘Now it is your turn to be correct Mr Green. This is not the Cannonball Run, nor are you being asked to race each other in a conventional sense. Indeed, if you were to get yourselves arrested then you would be considered wholly unsuitable for the job, wouldn’t you agree?’

Red clapped Green on the back. ‘Seems like my competition is wilting already.’

‘Ha ha, very good Mr Red, you made a little joke,’ Flea said. A smile lit his face then blew out just as quickly. ‘This is about intelligent driving and passing the test, not how fast you can drive. You are given two days to complete the route, the details of which you will find on the itineraries waiting for you in the library. That, I believe, takes care of your question Mr Green. You will also find internet connections where you can search route planners to print out, phones to contact motoring organisations, and even good old maps to aid you in planning your route.

As they surveyed the cars and absorbed Flea’s words the sound of the elevator pinging heralded Sidekick’s promised return.

‘I will tell you one more thing,’ Flea said, his voice lowering. ‘At no point along the Demon Road will you be unobserved, that is to say, you will be observed at all times. I urge you not to forget that.’

‘Have a look at this,’ Amber said, once they were in the library. ‘There’s an icon on this desktop labelled driving objective Part One.’ She opened it and read aloud. ‘Congratulations, you are one of the chosen three. You are now reading Part One of your objective. Should you be sitting here in two days as the successful candidate you will be granted access to Part Two.

Upon departing here, you will drive through Edinburgh where the first of five time-check cameras will register your presence. At Harrogate, Cheltenham and Liskeard, further cameras have been installed in the heart of each town to register your presence. Twenty miles beyond Liskeard you will find your assigned hotel accommodation for the night in Looe. There is no advantage to be gained by skipping a good night’s sleep. In fact, driving tired will count against you, so it is recommended you take full advantage of it. On day two you will head for London where the final cameras have been installed within the Congestion Zone. After that you will return directly here by any route your little hearts desire.

You will be assessed on criteria, including intelligent driving, fuel economy, penalties accumulated, including but not limited to speeding, illegal parking, or any action that might draw avoidable attention to yourself. It will require no explanation that such adverse attention is undesirable and will be viewed harshly. Any violation that leads to an arrest will automatically result in disqualification.’

‘How do you suppose they plan to watch us at all times?’ Amber asked.

‘Probably got trackers fitted in those cars,’ Red said, ‘maybe hidden cameras and microphones as well. Are you worried, Cupcake?’

‘Is your question directed at me or Green?’ she fired back.

Red laughed. ‘Ah, touché,’ he said and typed naked blondes into his search engine instead of route planners.

Day One

‘I have provided each car with an emergency kit,’ Flea said, the next morning. It consists of one first aid kit, one fire extinguisher and one reflective triangle, in case of breakdown. ‘Not exactly 007,’ Red observed.

‘Are you ready to take a journey you will never forget?’ Big Boss said, his booming voice preceding him across the floor. ‘I provided you internet connections to visit route planner websites, phones to contact motoring organisations, and maps so I trust you all used your time in the library wisely last night and researched your route well. ’

‘Oops,’ Red said.

Big Boss approached them, his burgeoning belly still contained, with dignity, by a freshly-pressed Oxford shirt, a pleasure that would last another thirty minutes or so before the sweat stains returned, and with them his irritability. ‘I also hope you considered the possibility of inclement weather and factored extra time accordingly. I truly feel that the weather is going to be very changeable for you over the next few day. Flea tittered.

Red looked up sceptically at the clear blue skies and truly felt otherwise.

‘Very well, Flea, at eight am sharp, signal for our contestants to leave. I will see the three of you again in two days’ time.’ He withdrew a hanky and patted a light sheen of sweat off his receding hairline and muttered to himself before turning to leave.

The cars they had each selected the night before were now lined up together in a neat row. Green climbed into his car and began making adjustments to the unfamiliar driving environment until it had accommodated his requirements. He reached around the back of his head and adjusted the headrest until it lined up with his head; whiplash was not on his wish list. His driving shoes rested comfortably on the pedals while he adjusted the mirrors to suit his height.

He was about to try the ignition when the first of Flea’s grease monkey pit crew jumped onto his bonnet and sat, sizing Green up. After a moment it balled its right hand into a small fist and made hammering gestures into its left hand.

Red leaned over to Amber. ‘Some men just can’t control their monkeys,’ he said and winked. Another monkey landed on Red’s bonnet.

‘Who can’t control their monkey now?’ Amber said and winked back. She squealed, as a third monkey landed on her own bonnet. The two latecomers took their cue from Green’s monkey and mirrored his gestures, screeching in time with the falling of their small fists.

Green suddenly understood what the monkey wanted him to do and curled his own hand into a fist but before he could bring it down on his horn Red beat him to it. All three monkeys jumped excitedly, chattering and applauding. Red tossed a smug grin over to Green and winked again at Amber. Green sighed and tested his own horn.

More monkeys began arriving to guide the three drivers through their basic vehicle checks.

Red was again first to react when they put their arms in the air and began swaying in unison, as though they were listening to a ballad at a concert. He grinned and switched on his windscreen wipers to a volley of excited chattering. Amber squealed when her monkey reached for its monkey-hood and aimed it strategically at her windscreen. She pulled the indicator stalk towards her and released a spray of washer fluid onto the screen; the monkey looked disappointed as it joined the others in applause. Green got the next two rounds when the monkeys covered their eyes and began playing peek-a-boo. He switched his lights on in response. When they began backwards somersaulting off the bonnets he put his seatbelt on and earned a bonus frown from Red with his applause.

‘How do you like my grease monkeys?’ Flea asked with obvious pride when they had finished.

‘They’re very funny,’ Amber said.

‘Funny?’ Flea repeated, tasting the word. Defensive clouds floated across his features. ‘Young lady, my pit crew take their work very seriously. It is not their intention to entertain, merely to guide you through your basic vehicle checks.’

Her cheeks reddened at the unexpected telling off.

‘Just between you and me, Flea,’ Red interrupted, ‘I think yours is not the first monkey to take her through the basics.’

‘Mr Red, perhaps it is my monkeys that find you entertaining for your obvious lack of knowledge in the basics. It is the law, after all, that your wipers, your washer fluid, your headlights, your speedometer, your seatbelt and your horn are all in good working condition.’

‘I can definitely vouch for my horn,’ Red said grinning at Amber. As the driver, you are responsible for the safety of yourself and any passenger below fourteen years of age,’ Flea continued, ignoring Red’s lewd remark.

‘If your monkeys are so clever then perhaps you can explain why they are eating our tyres.’ The words had come from Red’s mouth but he was not aware of having formed the thought.

‘Who are you?’ Red asked, addressing the voice in his head.

‘Who do you think?’ the voice responded, ‘I’m the sarcastic side of your personality of course, and this moody little Flea man needs putting in his place. Call me Sarc if it helps,’ the voice in his head invited. ‘Now, should I continue or do you want everyone to know you are having a conversation with yourself?’

‘Well, I am the most interesting person I know but I take your point,’ Red said to the sarcastic side of his personality.

Speaking through Red now, Sarc addressed Flea directly. ‘Perhaps you are going to tell us next that eating tyres is also part of this basic vehicle check,’ he said and leaned Red back triumphantly.

‘Yes, yes Mr Red it’s a good question, very good,’ Flea said, failing to pick up on the sarcastic undertones. ‘If you look a little more closely however, you will see that they are, in actual fact, or factually speaking, testing your tyre tread depth which is also a legal requirement. Do you see that look on their face Mr Red? They are imagining the black rubber of the tyres to be liquorice. It makes this part of their job more palatable wouldn’t you agree? Which is where you might have got the impression they were eating your tyres, but don’t worry, I don’t think your tyres are as deflated as your face looks right now.’

‘Touché,’ Amber whispered to Red and gifted him an exaggerated wink of her own. ‘Mr Flea,‘ she asked, ‘the monkey testing my tyre tread depth is wearing a dirty prom dress. Why is that?’

‘Wouldn’t you find it difficult to keep a prom dress clean while working on a car?’ Flea asked. Personally Ms Amber, I don’t find liquorice sweet, but sweet sixteen or 1.6mm is how they remember the legal minimum tread depth. It might help you to remember it too.’

‘Touché,’ she heard Red say but did not gift him a look.

‘You can start your engines now,’ Flea announced, and drew back while his pit crew scuttled off to the sides.

‘The time is two minutes to eight and the Boss will be watching your departure from the control tower. I now offer you my last two pieces of advice. Each town you pass through will have its own Flea Pits, each managed by one of my many brothers so I recommend you make a stop along the way for a more thorough check up of your vehicles. Do not just assume your car is OK and roadworthy.’ He looked at his watch and then up at the viewing tower where he knew Big Boss would be watching. ‘OK, applicants ready?’

‘You didn’t tell us your second piece of advice,’ Green said. Just then a voice inside his head chose that moment to introduce itself to Green as his inner Eco-Warrior and advised him to switch off his engine. ‘Why would I do that?’ Green asked the voice in his head. ‘If we are stationary for more than a couple of minutes you should switch off the engine to reduce emissions...’ To his right Red began revving his engine in anticipation of the flag falling, ‘...and noise pollution,’ the voice finished.

‘My second piece of advice is DONT violate the forty mph speed limit on any of my pit lanes,’ Flea said interrupting Green’s cosy inner dialogue. Flea glanced back to his watch one last time and dropped the flag, ‘WELCOME TO THE DEMON ROAD,’ he shouted.

From the other side of the tinted windows of the viewing tower Big Boss stood with Sidekick and watched two of the three applicants throttling along the three-lane concourse.

‘Tell me more about that one,’ he said, indicating Green who had switched off his engine and was now getting out to check his oil levels for the long journey ahead.

‘Well, what he lacks in natural ability he more than makes up for in apparent cool and discipline. He exercises incredible self-control and appears impervious to provocation...’

Boss looked inquisitively at his trusted employee. ‘You’re holding back Sidekick. What is it?’

‘It’s not something I can fully articulate, but if he loses his battle of wills with the Demon Road and with Red then I think you will see a very different side of Green.’

‘What about Red?’ Boss asked, looking at the red car that was already opening up an early lead.

‘Red has plenty of natural ability but with an impulsiveness that gets in the way of him thinking things through in advance. His reckless over-confidence will be his downfall unless he can learn to think ahead and empathise with other road users. To become the complete package, the Demon Road must reveal these faults to him so he can decide for himself which road he will take. Should he choose unwisely, then it will only remain to be seen whether the demons in the machine get him or the ones in his own head,’ Sidekick said.

Amber was close behind Red and chasing hard.

‘And her?’ Big Boss asked.

‘Amber is also a natural talent but regrettably impatient and too easily distracted, a potentially lethal cocktail. In order for the Demon Road to bring the focus and defensive qualities to her driving that she needs, the lesson she must endure will have to be momentous enough to shock her mind into uniting.’

‘Hmmmm...’ Big Boss looked thoughtful, ‘One thing’s for sure, if they don’t know their highway code now, they certainly will by the end of their journey, and in ways they never could have imagined.’

‘The traffic lights have been at green for some time,’ Sidekick prompted.

‘You are quite right my friend,’ Big Boss said and pressed the button.

Chapter Summary Questions:

Q 1 ~ Name three methods for planning your route for a long journey.

Q 2 ~ Name three items your vehicle emergency kit should contain.

Q 3 ~ Name three things you can change to suit your driving position.

Q 4 ~ Name six basic vehicle checks you should perform before a journey.

Q 5 ~ As the driver of a vehicle, whom are you legally responsible for?

Q 6 ~ What is the legal minimum tyre tread depth?

Q 7 ~ What should you do if stationary for a few minutes, and why?

CHAPTER TWO

RED & GREEN

‘Go ahead and overtake, see you at the traffic lights.’

-Bumper sticker

40mph

– Speed limit

Red accelerated through the carefully manicured estate grounds, his speedometer needle hitting fifty just as he passed the first of Flea’s forty mph speed limit signs. A billboard advertising the Big Boss’s technology park flashed by a minute later at sixty mph.

Warning

– Traffic lights

The traffic lights sat incongruously ahead of him, marking out time at a lonely looking crossroads. They had been visible to Red since Flea’s speed limit sign and they had held a steady green, but