Journey to the Heart Centre: Healing Begins in the Heart

Table of Contents

Table of Contents

Introduction

Chapter 1 - Some Personal Background

My Early Years

Leaving Home

Marriage and Family

Being My Own Boss

My World Falls Apart

Chapter 2 - 1990 - My Journey Begins

Fulfilling a Dream

My Inner Journey begins

Chapter 3 - 1997 - The Winds of Change

What is Your Desire?

Clearing the Astral Plane

An Introduction to Healing:

Receiving Love

Message from the Pharnoos

Awareness, Lifting the Veils

Full Circle

Vocabulary

Awakening Others

Animals

Awareness and Awakening

Need to Know

Shalom

Word Judgments

Chapter 4 - Emotions Begin to Surface

The Truth Shall Set You Free

Fountain of Youth

Speak Your Truth

Awareness of Your Denials

Loving Intent

Relationships and Limitations

Moving Blocks

Relationships and Balance

Chapter 5 - My Lost Child

Growth and Balance

Moving Anger and Rage

Healing and Your Path

Releasing Your Anger

Judgments and Beliefs

Consciousness

Chapter 6 - Releasing the Old

The Journey Begins

Experiences and Growth

Limitations and Expectations

Surrendering the Ego

Turmoil and Struggle

What is Your Intent?

Chapter 7 - 1998 - Transitions

The Coming Changes

Vows and Curses

A New Chapter Begins

Forthrightness and Silence

Being in the Now

Power and Essence

Transformation and the Butterfly

Read Your Messages

Indeed, INDEED, IN-DEED

Fear of the Unknown

Free Will and Denial

Trust Foundation

Unlovingness and Shadow Feelings

Freeing Yourself

Ambivalence

Flight of Love

Clarify Your Intent

Chapter 8 - Faltering Steps

Levels and Changes

Dare to Dream and Be

Self-Empowerment

Relationships and Self

Letting Go of the Past

Beauty and Sexuality

Becoming Balanced – Ending Denials

Responsibility and Empowerment

New Beginnings

Intent and Action

Manifesting What You Want

Self-love and Self-acceptance

A Shift in Consciousness

Earth Changes and Inner Changes

Breaking Free of the Quicksand

Denial Spirit and Spirit in Denial

The trickster

Your Brothers and Sisters

The Golden Age

Levels and Layers

Right Place and Asking

Sexuality

Opportunities for Change

Sexuality and Denial

Right Place and Right Time

First Step of a Journey

Chapter 9 - A New Beginning

Healing Heart and False Feelings

Balance and the Heart Centre

The Spiritual Warrior

Faith and Trust

Repairing and Healing

Fellowship and Actors

Healing and Understanding

Movement and Momentum

Vulnerable and Strength

Paths and Being Who You Are

Chapter 10 - Owning My Feelings

Duality and Polarity

Surrender and Acceptance

The Healing Power of Love

Anger and Self-hatred

Coyote Medicine

Fear of Asking and Trust

Duality of Light and Dark

Inner Battle of Spirit and Will

Message for Jen

Fear is your Ally

Stop Trying to Be Real

Feeling of Aloneness

Hope, Faith and Preference

Chapter 11 - The Power of Denial

True Understanding and Knowing

New Beginnings and Changes

Chapter 12 - 1999 - Going Deeper

Healing Intent

Denial and Pressure

Movement and Acceptance

Chapter 13 – My First Level of Healing

Re-claiming Your Power

Healing and Transformation

Abundance

Gratitude and Self-acceptance

Be the Change

Higher-Self

Lost Greatness

Intent and Fear

Heart Reborn and Heartlessness

Chapter 14 - My Terror and Heartbreak

The Power of Love

Hopelessness

Acceptance

The Heart Centre Purpose

Recovering Lost Will

Judgments on Doing

Inner Battle and Choice

Denials, Judgments and Reality

Purpose and Trust

Self Forgiveness

Time and Space

Accepting Your Gifts

Judgments and False Feelings

Letting Go, Ending the struggle

Ending Limitation

Unconditional Love

Chapter 15 - Survival and Circling

Doing Verses Being

Power

Talents and Gifts

Uniqueness

Chapter 16 - 2000 - The New Millennium

On Being Human

Power of Love and the Word

Remembering

Raw Emotions and Beliefs

False Will

Secrets and Purpose

Remaining Issues

Memory, Denial and Fear

The Five Tornadoes

Primal Expression

Time and in the Moment

Words

Differentiation and Fragmentation

Being at One

Chapter 17 - Lost and Alone

Reawakening Your Powers

Activating Emotions by Touch

Letting Go and Opening to Love

Raising Your Vibration

Forgiveness of Self

Crystals and Helping Others

Trust and Betrayal

Chapter 18 – My Second level of Healing

Boundaries and the New World

Insights and Conclusion

Listing of Channeled Messages

About the Author

Introduction

To give you a basic idea of the work I’m sharing, this trilogy consists of the following books.

Journeys from the Heart Centre – Meditation as a tool for healing and Self-empowerment – is a how-to manual and guide that uses non-denial based meditation/visualizations as a tool to not only expand your conscious awareness, but to also allow you to seek the underlying causes to the stress, fears, and issues in your life and begin to heal them. It also includes notes, insights, and understandings to assist you on your personal journey.

My Journey - Three Levels of Healing – Feeling, healing and understanding Emotions – covers numerous topics and issues, and contains key insights and understandings into the nature of the human psyche that are vital in not only healing your Emotional Being, but also in unlocking the mystery of your Mind, how it works, and why it does what it does. Finally, I share three personal healing experiences that are directly related to the previous material.

Journey to the Heart Centre – Healing begins in the Heart – While considered an autobiography, it also contains numerous channeled messages from my Spirit guides. I begin with a brief background of my significant life events, and while my journey began in 1990, the main focus is on four years, (1997 - 2000) and the trials and tribulations I went through that enabled me to experience my first two levels of healing.

This book was actually my original unpublished manuscript that included an appendix containing an abbreviated version of the meditation/visualization tools that I use on my journey. Years later, I decided to remove the appendix (no pun intended) and expand the meditation/visualization tools to create a new book. I added some basic insights and understandings that weren’t in the original manuscript and this revised appendix then became my first book. After I published it, I felt that there were a lot more understandings and insights that I needed to share, based on the three major levels of healing I had now experienced. These insights and understandings, as well as my three healing experiences became my second book. I consider it to be a companion to the first book and another tool to help you on your healing journey.

This book now completes the trilogy, and while it’s my auto-biography, I also consider it co-written as it contains numerous channeled messages that I received from my guides in the Spirit realm. In this book, I share the trials and tribulations I went through that finally enabled me to experience my first two major levels of healing. It focuses on four years of my journey (1997 - 2000) and the struggles I went through in trying to put the esoteric concepts from the Right Use Of Will books that I was reading, and the messages I was receiving from my guides, into action, into physical reality. When I finally succeeded, it allowed me to experience what has eluded me in all my existence, that of actually manifesting unconditional love and to feel the power that one possesses when one is not in denial and is living in the now moment. If you happened to pick this book to read first, you will need to read the others so that you can put the pieces of the puzzle together, as the books are interconnected and very little material is repeated.

As previously mentioned, I began writing this book in 2000, and during the process of reading and transcribing the material from my journals to my computer, I would at times be activated by what I was reading, and I added those now thoughts and emotions to the book. Several years have now passed and as I was editing this book for publication, I was going to delete all those now moments, but instead, I decided to include them as they too were part and parcel of my healing process and journey. I also felt I needed to share the numerous channeled messages that I received that helped me on my journey. The dilemma I had in formatting this book was how to differentiate the channeled messages and my now moments, from the main body of the book. Originally, I used two different fonts, one for the main body of text, with the now moments in italics, and another for the channeled messages. I’ve now decided to use one font for the entire book and to use clipart images as symbolic markers to identify the channeled messages, my emotional moments, and my quotes.

Copy of bl;ank The image of a dove will now serve as a marker to indicate the beginning of a channeled message. As an aside note, I’ve also included an alphabetical listing of all the channeled messages, with page numbers at the end of the book for quick reference.

heart2 The Heart image will now indicate my emotional now moments I had when compiling or editing my book, and a small ♥ symbol to signify the end.

C:\Users\Dell\Desktop\+ Desktop Files\Create Space 6 x 9 Book Format (Books 1, 2, 3)\2 - Uploaded to Createspace -\Edited Images\left-quotation gray.jpg Finally, the quotation mark image will identify my quotes that are inserted throughout the book. These quotes will also be shown in bold italics.

Note: The following now section is from my original introduction when I began writing my manuscript back in August of 2000. I kept it intact as I wanted to show you what I was feeling and going through at the time.

heart2 In this moment, this book feels like an impossible task. Some of my issues in writing this book are in both the organizing and the writing of it as I’ve never written a book before. I feel that I’m no writer and there is so much to say with so many layers, twists and turns, that I feel I will only confuse those that are trying to gain some insights into their issues. I feel like the blind leading the blind and that I’m not any kind of authority on the subject of self-empowerment. I’m not a lettered man, nor do I have any diplomas, certificates or status (including New Age) that states who, or what I am, as I don’t believe that defines who I am anyway. But here again, are those old programs, beliefs and judgments coming up that say that unless I have the approval of those in a position of power, and that I have met their qualifications and standards, that what I say isn’t true and that I won’t be taken seriously.

What I’m going to be sharing with you is from personal experience, which I feel is the best teacher. This is not to say that I haven’t read and studied others works, but I feel that I’ve had to travel down those paths to find out for myself, for my own experience, if that was, or wasn’t what I was looking for. While what I read offered some part truths, I always felt that something was missing. After reading numerous New Age, self-help, and scientific books, and examining various religions, I decided to expand my search and explore where there were no paths, to boldly go where no one had gone before, (sounds like Star Trek) to find the truth.

This book is in part, an autobiography, a part of my life that I’m afraid to share, and another part that I feel will read like a new age fiction story, one that is not real and that I’ve made up. This book is about the ending of my old life and reality and the beginning of my new life in a new world reality. This is difficult for me as I don’t know what I’m going to end up writing. I’ll be sharing some of my personal experiences, feelings, trials and tribulations as well as my triumphs and joy. I’m going to be as honest as I can and present this book in a manner so that you’ll know that I’m human and on a journey to discover, heal and empower myself. That I too am struggling with my personal issues and demons that would have me stop this journey and to just get on with it, and make the best of a bad situation.

I’m also wondering how I’m going to include my family, friends, and acquaintances in this book without infringing on their space, their privacy, and their life. At this time, I don’t have the perfect answer, but I know and trust that I will get it when the time comes, so here goes a big leap of faith. I’ve also been wondering how I’m going to merge the messages and guidance I’ve received with my journal notes and make it all fit and flow. I began by entering my messages and notes into the computer from seven years ago and I realized that my beliefs of what I thought was the truth have changed, and for that matter, are still changing. I had this preconceived notion that I was going to write a book with only what I believe to be the truth today, and that it had to be perfect and not change. So I needlessly toiled and lamented, postponed and became frustrated with myself at even the thought that I could write this book. I then laughingly realized that this is the perfect moment to begin to write my book, and all those moments that I’m now typing into my computer were perfect moments at that time and place, as I was not ready for anything else. I now realize that I needed to go through those experiences to gain the awareness so that I could move on to the next experience. Not that all the choices I made were the right ones, but that too was perfect to allow me to gain experience and hindsights, to see where I would now choose differently. It makes me smile to see how a little twist in thoughts and words can change the whole meaning, perception and feeling of an idea. How easily we can get caught up in trying to be perfect when in actuality, we are in the perfect time and place to be all that we are capable of being and are aware of in the moment.

I just realized that writing this book is going to be another level of healing for me, to look at all the things I don’t like to see, that bother me, and to also look at all my judgments and issues that it will bring up that I need to heal. ♥

This book is part of my personal on-going journey of discovery, healing, and self-empowerment that began in 1990, when the bubble burst and my personal and small business world collapsed. Frustrated with my life and traditional social and religious dogma that gave me no meaningful answers, I began my journey, my search for truth and the meaning of life. During the next few years, I read over 250 books on almost every New Age self-help topic, as well as various other books on medicine, science, and religion, trying to find answers to my probing questions. My journey is an eclectic blend of science and spirituality, (not religion) as I explore the middle ground between what science can’t see, hear, feel or prove and thereby states doesn’t exist, and what religion doesn’t want you to find out is real for yourself. What I was searching for in the books I read was the common thread that would link them all together, and while all books offered some part truths, something was always missing or didn’t feel right. I challenged everything I read as I continued to ask who, what, where, when, why and how. As I ventured into the great unknown, I had no guide, no signposts, only my mind and my feelings, which I didn't trust, to help me find what was missing in my life. I was blinded by a fog, aware only that I was searching for something but not knowing what I was searching for, how to find it, where to look for it, or to even know if I had found it when I did, and then what to do with it when, and if I found it.

Not satisfied with the answers I was getting with my outer search, I decided to expand my search and explore where there were no paths. In 1994, I began my inner search when I was introduced to meditation. During the next three years, it expanded to include past life regression, meeting animal guides and totems, life guides and higher self, astral journeys, channeling, among other things. While all these tools, as I came to call them, expanded my conscious awareness and opened new frontiers and experiences for me, I also felt that something was missing and didn’t feel right.

I continued to simultaneously explore my outer and inner reality still looking for the common thread, and it wasn’t until early 1997, when I obtained the book, Right Use of Will (RUOW) by Ceanne DeRohan, that things began to click and make sense for me that felt right, even though I didn’t understand it in the moment. I also found the common thread that had eluded me in all the books I had read and the meditations/visualizations I had experienced. What I found that was common was not what was being said, but what was not being said, what was being denied, and that was the definitive turning point in my search. Reading the RUOW books continued to expand my awareness of the role that denial was playing in my life. It was at this time that besides writing about my experiences and the channeled messages I was receiving, I also began writing about my thoughts, feelings and emotions.

I also realized that the meditation/visualization tools I had been using were all based in denial, and that I now needed to combine the tools with the esoteric points-of-view and the emotional work that RUOW provided. I then modified the meditation/visualization tools, changing them from a denial-based format (denial and suppression of feelings and emotions) to a non-denial format, where I would allow my feelings and emotions an opportunity to be expressed. This change allowed me to expand the tools to include working on finding the cause of my issues, and to begin to heal my inner and outer child. As I worked with these new tools, I began to merge and apply the insights and understandings I was getting on my inner experiences, with those of my outer life experiences. As I ventured further into this new and unknown emotional territory, it took me through feeling almost every possible emotion as well as some experiences that are beyond belief. I continued to write about my experiences, thoughts, feelings, emotions, insights, understandings, and the channeled messages and guidance that I was receiving, knowing that I would be writing books, and that these entries would form the basis of those books.

As I continued my inner journey, I was always asking, who, what, where, when, why and how, and when I’d get an answer, I’d repeat the sequence again and again. I was filled with questions upon questions, but for every answer I’d receive, I’d also have another ten questions. Many times it seemed like an endless and impossible task, but I knew that I would never know the truth unless I tried, and kept trying and going deeper until I found the answer. I was awash in a sea of feelings and emotions and being dragged down by my imprints, programs and beliefs that were telling me that my feelings and emotions were wrong, and that healing was impossible. I knew from my past mini healing experiences I had when using the meditation/ visualization tools, that healing was possible and that I was on the right track to also heal my big issues, but I just didn’t know how to get to them, or what I needed to do when I did. It was a slow and gradual process as there were more issues, mini healings, hindsight’s, insights and understandings that I needed to experience. I also realized that I needed to go through all those experiences in order to gain awareness so that I could move on to the next experience. Not that all the choices I made were the right ones, but that too was what I needed to enable me to gain experience and hindsight, to see what didn’t work, and where I could choose differently the next time I was being activated.

What drove me on my quest was my heartfelt desire and intent to heal those lost and tortured parts of me that I had discovered during my meditation/visualization journeys. At that time, I didn’t know how to heal them, I only knew that I would never know unless I tried and kept trying, peeling off layer by layer, level by level, going deeper until I found the real cause. Slowly, step by step, by trial and error, I had to find the answers to my probing questions myself. In order to find out what was really going on and to get to the truth and heal the lost parts of me, I found that I needed to constantly challenge all my old imprints, programs and beliefs, not defend them. I felt that if I searched long and hard enough, that eventually I’d find what I was looking for, as I had no desire to simply do the best I could. I wanted answers, but I not only wanted answers, I wanted answers that would allow me to heal and empower myself. Unwilling to give up, I returned again and again to the issues that were tormenting me for two reasons. One was that I wanted to become aware of the unseen role that denial played in these experiences, and secondly, that I was determined to find and heal the cause of my issues and recover the lost parts of me. It was, and still is, confusing and frustrating as I go through the gradual processes and the different stages and levels of healing. At times I feel that I'm just going in circles and that I can't see the tree for the forest as I'm still unaware that I'm locked in an unseen cycle of denial and self-hatred.

Love was one thing that I didn’t expect to discover in my search for truth as I felt that I was already a loving person. To begin to know the truth of what love is, I had to know what love is not. While I had a healing experience in February of 1999, it wasn’t until August of 2000, that I consciously experienced unconditional self-love for the first time in my life (in my existence) and I was awakened, so to speak, as what I experienced was a 180-degree shift, a complete reversal of what I had believed love was. It was a day before I experienced my second level of healing that I began to write about my journey, as I felt that I needed to share what I had already experienced with others that were also searching to heal and understand their feelings and emotions.

It took me eleven years to move from the first stirrings of awareness and the beginning of my search, through the process of finding the tools that I needed, learning how to use them, to finally entering the gap and reaching my awakening point, that of bringing conscious love and acceptance to the lost parts of me with unconditional self-love. It was then that I discovered how and why it was really me that was being unloving to myself, and that my present experiences were actually based on false thoughts, feelings and emotions that were also a reflection and a reaction to the unloving experiences I had as a child that were as yet, unresolved. Now, I’m on the journey to integrate this new awareness into the physical world, to heal all aspects of me, to walk my talk and to bring Heaven to Earth. I know that what I’ve found, many are also searching for and hope to find, and this is what I want to share. What I share is what I have lived and personally experienced, and what I’ve experienced, felt and know in my heart can’t be studied in any present form, and thus the reason for this and future books.

I’m going to present this book in a chronological order so that you can see the interactions between my messages and my experiences, to give you a feel for the flow and the processes taking place. Some things also repeat themselves but this too is part of the process, the not so merry-go-round that I’m on, and that I can’t seem to get off of. I feel that in order for you to understand what I’m sharing, that it’s necessary to first give you a bit of my personal background so that you can get a feel of where I’m coming from, the issues I have, and what I have been dealing with all my life. Some of these details are hard for me to share because I still have some unresolved issues that I need to heal, but in writing about them, that will also mean that I will have to face them, and if I admit they happened, then I’m no longer avoiding and denying them. When I have acceptance for them, then I also have the opportunity to heal them.

During the course of writing this book, I searched my journals for key events, moments and experiences to include in my book. I noticed that in the beginning, I wrote mainly on what I was doing, how I was keeping busy, keeping my Mind occupied and focused on trying to find a mental solution to fix the problems I was experiencing. I’ve purposely omitted most of the details of my daily work based activity as it really doesn’t serve the purpose of this book. What I was doing wasn’t as important as what I wasn’t doing, and as you will see, I was, for the most part, caught up in the doing, trying to be successful, make money, be happy, and not being me. By being me, I mean being real, being who I am in the moment. Being real isn’t something that you can just do, as to be real you also need to know what not being real is. We think we are being real by doing and experiencing things that will make us, or others happy, or even when we are sharing the pain of our issues, but that is not the being real I’m talking about. While I thought that what I was doing was important, I gradually began to see that what I was feeling was also important if healing was my intent, and although I knew differently, I was still, for the most part, caught up in the doing and not being real and in denial of my feelings and emotions. As you follow my journey you will notice that at first I was controlling my feelings and emotions, and then slowly, I began to allow them to be expressed, yet unaware of the imprints, programs, beliefs, judgments, false feelings and emotions, as well as the role of guilt, shame, and the unseen role of denial that I was running on. I was too busy doing what I thought was me, my life, my purpose, not realizing that I couldn’t be further from the truth in that I wasn’t being real and in the moment. Until you have the awareness that something is there, you can’t see it or know that it’s there. You can be looking at a tree and not see the bird in it until it moves. In the same way, you can’t see what you are denying, preventing from moving, until you allow it to move by ending your denials.

Ending denials and exposing secrets is the exact opposite of what everyone is doing and that is not only new, but also frightening as it’s not considered normal, appropriate, or even safe. What is also not acceptable is expressing our true feelings and emotions when they are considered to be negative and are not what others want to hear. We can only heal our emotions by ending our denials of them, not by controlling and denying them as we have been doing. We can’t fix something if we keep denying it’s broken or keep pushing it away. When faced with our issues, we think that if we do the opposite of what we were doing that we will have solved and healed our issue or problem. As mentioned, ending an abusive relationship, quitting smoking, drinking, or drugs, is not solving and healing our issues, but is instead, going to the opposite end of the denial teeter-totter. What each of these issues have in common is the unseen role of denial, the unresolved and denied emotional issues, the feelings and emotions that we don’t want to remember. We need to face our fears, not find ways and means of avoiding and denying them. To begin to heal, we need to convince our mind to change its point-of-view. By that I mean, we need to look at the problem in a different light, that instead of controlling and repressing our feelings and emotions, we now express all that has been denied and avoided. In other words, facing and accepting our fears instead of denying and avoiding them. It’s a catch 22 situation. Although many will talk about being open minded, facing their fears, healing their emotions, and taking their power back, most do not walk their talk, and when given the mental, emotional, and physical opportunity to do so, will either fight to justify their old beliefs, run, or just give up.

In writing this book, I didn’t include all the mini healings I experienced, either personally or when I was working with Jen, nor did I share the countless activations I had when reading the RUOW books. Instead, I tried to focus on what I felt was important for you the reader, and that was my shift away from being in control of my feelings and emotions, to allowing myself to express them. Another thing I tried to do was to show how I was repeating the same feelings and emotions and how they related to the things I was experiencing in my outer reality. As I’ve previously mentioned, I included most of the channeled messages I received as I felt they were important and needed to be shared.

As you read this book, you will notice that any realizations, hindsights, and insights that I wrote about are the ones I had during that part of the journey, and that many are only part-truths as I really wasn’t able to expand and understand them until I had more information. There was more that I needed to experience, feel, and heal, to understand more of my reality. What I share in this book is what I was going through at the time, without all the understandings and insights that I now have, and that I share in my other books. This was a work in progress, a slow, step-by-step journey where, through trial and error, I slowly and methodically began to put the pieces of the puzzle together.

As you progress into my story, you will notice that Jen becomes a major player in my healing experiences. While much of the mini-healing work can be done by yourself, you will find that you need others to reflect to you what you are unable to see for yourself. If you have a partner that is also on their healing journey, then you will heal your issues quicker. I feel I need to make a comment here in that I didn’t write much about the good times and experiences I had with Jen. Not that we didn’t have them, the long talks, the movies, the shopping, and the special moments we shared, not to mention all the journeys and healing work we did together. These touched me to my very Heart and Soul, and even though I didn’t write about them, I’ll always have them. Much of what I wrote in my journals is what I couldn’t or didn’t express verbally with Jen in the moment I was activated, so my only form of expression was to write. After I expressed myself in writing, I would share what I was going through and what I had written the next time I talked to her. It’s these deep denied emotions and issues that are at the core of my healing and is what I feel others need to read and feel in order to touch these parts that they too have difficulty in expressing.

Although I was working with Jen, I was also on my own in that I had to work it out for myself to find out what was really going on, so that I could finally reach and heal the lost parts of me. Jen would activate me into my issues and denials and I would gap. Once I gapped there was nothing more that she could do to help me, but only activate me further into my denied issues and self-hatred. Then there were the times when the roles were reversed and I’d activate her into her issues of denied heartbreak, terror, anger, rage and self-hatred, and she would gap, but try as I might, I couldn’t reach her either, as nothing I could say or do would help her anymore than she could help me when I was in denial and in the gap. These were the times that we had to go into our feelings and issues on our own until such time that we were able to end our denials and heal those denied parts of our Being, but until they were healed, the activations just kept coming back in one form or another. It seemed that the bigger and deeper the issue, the more it was denied, and the stronger it became at the next activation

Early in our relationship, actually, it was during our first phone call, we both mentioned we were searching to heal our emotions and to become whole. We then made an agreement, knowing that we were both going to go into places, issues, and pain that would activate us, and that no matter what happened, we would not abandon the other. That we would move through or into our pain, knowing that it wasn’t the other person’s intent to harm us and that they were only activating the other into their issues to help bring healing. Sometimes we would be triggered and just hate the other person, but when we touched and felt our real issues and emotions, we had only love and gratitude for the other person, that they stayed with us through our darkest moments when we were pushing them away. There were other times when one person would have a mini healing experience and we would both feel a love and a connection beyond words, but then within five minutes, we would be activated again, or it would be the other person that would be activated and going into their issues. If this were an ordinary relationship, we would have been long gone.

While much of what I write about in my experiences with Jen seems like I’m just plain stupid and desire to experience all the issues that are torturing me, that was not my intent. I returned because it was my desire to heal those tortured parts of me that I didn’t know how to heal, but I would never know unless I tried and kept trying, until I found the real cause. It was the same for Jen. We knew from our past mini-healing experiences that this form of healing was working, so we felt that it would also work on the BIG issues that we hadn’t healed yet, it was just that we didn’t know how to get to them or do it. We had experienced many good times together and had many bad times turn to healing experiences, that to part company because we just couldn’t seem to get through a particular issue wasn’t how we worked. We also felt that we wouldn’t have been brought together if it wasn’t for our highest purpose and good, or that healing wasn’t possible.

In the early stages of my journey, I worked more with Jen and her issues, as she was more open to expressing her feelings and emotions than I was. At the time, I also judged her needing more help than I did as she was struggling physically, emotionally and mentally. As you will notice, I write very little about what I am feeling in the early stages of my journey, it is only later, that I allow myself to open up. I also wrote notes and messages for Jen in my journals, but as they are of her personal experiences and issues, I feel that they are her story and not mine to share. Neither do I share her journey experiences or my experiences when I empathically picked up on her denied emotions and physical pain. While they were for my experience, they too are not a part of my journey and as such, were omitted for the most part with only the occasional reference made to enable you, the reader, to tie together what I was going through and how I was activated into my issues. I also did the same with notes and messages that I had for Irene. Likewise, there were other people that came into my life, and while they played a direct role in my experiences and personal issues, I didn’t include any of their personal stories.

Part of the reason for writing the book the way I did was to show you the gradual and oft times frustrating and repetitive processes, and the different stages or levels that take place, and that true healing is not a quick fix. As you read this book you will discover a map, so to speak, markers along the path that will relate to your personal experiences and issues. If you are able to feel and see what I went through and what I did and didn’t do on my journey, then you can use that as a guide to see what is going on with the issues in your life. Even though we may have different experiences, deep down the feelings of terror, heartbreak, anger, rage, and all the other feelings and emotions are the same, and all are related to denial and a lack of self-acceptance and self-love. Using all three books will give you the tools and a greater understanding of not only the issues you are facing, but also how to heal them in a much shorter time than I did. It is only your intent and dedication to heal and find self-love, to empower yourself, that will determine your journey.

Chapter 1 - Some Personal Background

My Early Years

I was born on the prairies of Canada, in Melville, Saskatchewan in 1944, to parents of Polish/German descent and devout Roman Catholics. It was customary in those times for people with certain ethnic and cultural backgrounds to band together in small towns and communities. My grandparents had immigrated to Canada when they were children, and while both my grandparents and parents had gone to school and could read and write English, German was the only language that was spoken in the home. The fact that I couldn’t speak English and was unable to communicate with my teachers and peers when I started school was to have a traumatic effect on my life.

One of the earliest childhood memories I have was when I was around four years old. It was late fall, early winter and we were moving from one farm to another. A team of horses was pulling the hay wagon loaded with our furniture and belongings, and I was sitting on top of them. As we made the trip I can remember the fight my parents had over my dad losing the farm because of his drinking and gambling. We then lived on the share crop farm until I was nine years old, when we moved into the village of Dubuc, where I had been going to school. The school had four classrooms and taught grades one to twelve, with three grades per room.

I was excited about going to school and meeting other children. I remember the first day of school and hearing a strange noise as I walked into the school with my dad. The foreign noise was the English language. Not only was I confused by the language, but being intuitive, I was also picking up on what the other children were thinking and feeling, especially any thoughts or feelings that were being directed at me. I asked my father to take me home, that I didn’t want to be here. I remember my father telling me that I would be okay, and that all I had to do was to watch and listen, and learn to be like the other children. We lived on the farm at that time, and he told me that he would be back after school to pick me up, but I didn’t know when that was. I didn’t want him to leave me, but I had no choice. It’s important to note that there wasn’t a single person in the school that knew any German that could act as a translator for me. When my father left, I was totally alone in a foreign and hostile environment. I remember the teacher talking to me, asking me questions, and the children laughing and taunting me because I couldn’t understand or speak English. Later that morning, I felt humiliated and shamed because I couldn’t tell the teacher that I needed to go to the bathroom and I peed my pants in class. To make matters worse, I had to sit in them all day. The verbal abuse and sneering laughter was not all that I got, as when recess and lunch time came, so did the bullies and the physical beatings. My father was late in picking me up after school, and so I suffered more verbal and physical abuse.

Being intuitive, I knew when, where and how they were going to attack me, but there was nothing I could do to prevent it. I hated school and didn’t want to go back, but I had to tolerate the verbal abuse and beatings. The only help I got from my parents was the advice to grow a thicker skin. There was also no compassion from the teachers I had, and it wasn’t until grade four when I got Mrs. Stokes as a teacher, that I started to pull out of my shell. She would ask me to clean the black boards or do errands for her if she felt that I might get beat up at recess. Although she tried to protect me, it also caused another problem as the kids now called me the teacher’s pet and I’d get beat up for that. At lunchtime she would read a chapter from a book like the Hardy boys or Treasure Island, and I’d stay inside as I not only liked the stories but it also saved me from some verbal abuse and beatings.

The verbal and physical abuse carried on until I was in grade six when I felt I had had enough, and that it was time for a change. Although I was small for my age, I now felt I was strong enough to beat up the bullies, not all at once, but one at a time. After a beating, I followed the smallest bully and beat him up. The next day, they ganged up on me and beat me, but then later, I caught another and beat him up. I slowly made my way through the pack until I got to the last, the biggest one and beat him up. After that, things changed and I was no longer bullied.

We were a poor family and there were many hard times. I was the eldest of five children; I have two brothers and two sisters. I can remember when my dad was sick in bed for almost a year and couldn’t work, and how the neighbors and relatives would drop off food and hand me down clothes to get us through. My dad recovered and took a job at a gas station in town but that was not enough to support a wife and five children. I remember helping my mother clean the local hall on Saturday mornings after the Friday night movie, and then setting up for the Saturday night dance. We would clean up again on Monday and set the chairs back up for the movie on Friday night. I would also get up early on Sunday morning, sometimes at 5 a.m., and go to the hall to pick up the beer bottles, which I would cash in for 1 cent a bottle. That enabled me to buy one or two comic books for 10 cents each and maybe a coke and some candy that I shared with my brothers and sisters who would get an allowance because they were younger than me and couldn’t earn money like I did. I also collected the tickets from people going to the movie on Friday night. As payment, I was allowed to watch the movie for free.

Another experience that I remember was when I was in grade six. I was going to the general store to get my comic book and a coke, and I saw a pocketknife that I really wanted; I think it cost $1.00. I didn’t have enough money to buy it and I never stole anything before, so I was very anxious and nervous. I watched to see if Mr. Steinberg, the storeowner, was looking and when he turned his back to me, I put it in my pocket. I went up to the counter, paid for my comic book and coke and left. I came back about a half hour later, as guilt and shame had been eating away at me for having stolen the pocketknife. I thought I was unnoticed as I put it back on the shelf. I turned to leave when Mr. Steinberg asked me if I was looking for a job and wanted to make some money. I eagerly stated that I was. He said that Mr. Clark, my one armed neighbor, a war veteran, was going to be building a garage for him and that if I would help him; he would pay me $10.00. I replied that I’d really like the job as I looked back at the knife on the shelf. Mr. Steinberg said, Good, and I’ll put that pocketknife aside for you as I know you want it.

heart2 I’m emotional at this point and tears are streaming down my face as I haven’t remembered that kindness and love for many years. I realized at that time, that he knew I stole the pocketknife when I left the store the first time but he said nothing and let me take it. After the garage was built, Mr. Clark said that I did a fabulous job helping him, and he later had me help him (with pay) anytime he needed a pair of small and willing hands. Both Mr. Steinberg and Mr. Clark were like a father to me in a way that my own father could never be. I have a pain in my heart at this moment and I have to stop typing to feel this. I felt the denied heartbreak that I had been holding since I was twelve or thirteen years old when we moved from Dubuc. I also remembered my teacher, Mrs. Stokes, who also showed me the same love and acceptance. After years of abuse, I was finally beginning to be accepted and loved, only to lose it when we moved away, and again, I had no choice or say. ♥

After I completed grade six, we moved to the city of Regina, where my dad got a job in the hospital. My mother wasn’t working as my youngest brother and sister were not in school yet. We were enrolled in a Catholic school where I just completed grade seven, I say just, as it was mid May when we were excommunicated from the Catholic Church. The reason was that I was going to confession twice a week, on Sundays with my family in church, and then again on Monday at school. I was making up lies on Monday and then confessing my lies on Sunday. When I finally decided that I wasn’t going to lie anymore, that was when the trouble started, resulting in our excommunication. This event deeply affected my life and I see I still have guilt and shame over what happened, as for years it alienated our family from our Catholic relations of some thirty-six aunts and uncles and over one hundred and fifty cousins as well as our Catholic friends. We were still over a month from the end of the school year and final exams, but they didn’t want us back so they gave me and my siblings passing grades and told us to take a hike. That also affected my schooling, especially math, as I was never able to catch up on what I had missed.

As far as religions go, after our excommunication from the Roman Catholic Church, I became an atheist, as I felt I had lost my religion and my faith. I believed that if there was a God, why did he do this to me? I did everything he said. I tried to be good. I listened to my parents as best I could, and did what I thought they wanted me to do. I said my prayers. How did I fail? Why did he let this happen? Why do bad things happen to good people? I didn’t believe, or feel, that God was the loving and just God that he made himself out to be, so therefore for me there was no God, not a God of love anyway. There were too many unanswered questions that religion couldn’t, or didn’t want to answer to my satisfaction. This of course didn’t sit well with my mother who bounced around from church to church, looking for the right religion. I now believed that science had the answer, that Darwin was right and that we all came from apes. But science didn’t fill the bill to my satisfaction either as a lot of what they said was based on assumptions, puffed up to be fact. So then I moved to being a scientific agnostic, with the belief that there is a God, but he isn’t to be found in any religion as such.

Other events that would also have an effect on me was the fact that from grade six to grade ten, we moved four times and I went to five different schools. I was a loner and an outsider as I was the new and unknown one. Trouble had no problem finding me, and I was always threatened, bullied or beaten. If that wasn’t enough, during the grade seven summer holidays, I had an accident. I was playing tag and had jumped up onto a picket fence. To avoid being tagged, I jumped off to the other side, but in the excitement, I didn’t realize that my shoelace had gotten caught on a board until it was too late. I landed head first on the edge of a wooden sidewalk, breaking seven of my upper teeth. They were broken at the roots and some were also chipped. The doctor and dentist recommended that I keep them until I was at least sixteen years old, and then I could get an upper denture. For the next three years I had a mouthful of rotting teeth. Biting my fingernails was a compulsive habit, and the only time I had fingernails was for the six months when I had no upper teeth, while I was waiting for my gums to heal. During my adolescence and into my early twenties, I also had a bad case of acme. I always active and had to be doing something, something that required physical movement.

Although I was always on the outside, I was always trying to prove myself to get accepted, but that never worked either. In grade seven I got a job as a helper on a newspaper route, and in grade eight, he moved away and I got his paper route of fewer than 30 newspapers, where the average route size was 50 plus papers. It was the lowest subscriber route for that drop area, although there were a quite a few homes that were scattered over a large area including a couple of farmhouses outside the city limits. The paper put on a contest to gain subscribers and our incentive was to win a trip to Chicago. I increased the route from 30 to over 150 papers, and I was one of the winners. The trip was exciting and confusing at the same time, as I had never been away from home alone. After the contest, other carriers wanted my route to be split up but the manager said that as I was the one who built it up, that it would be mine until I decided to quit the route. I didn’t make any friends with that move except for the two helpers that got the route when I moved in grade nine.

I was also the fastest bike rider in our neighborhood and had the best balance and coordination with the bike games that we played. These skills encouraged me to enter the provincial bicycle rodeo and I made it to the finals. I had won it on my riding skills but lost points when it came to bicycle inspection. I did all my repairs and adjustments so the bike was as safe as I could make it, but one of the judges, who weighed about 250 pounds, came over to my bike, grabbed my handle bars and put his weight on them, moving them down a couple of inches. He then went to my bicycle seat and twisted that too. After he finished inspecting my bike, he went to my nearest competition. I could see that he only pretended to be pushing on his handlebars, as he looked at me with a smirk. That was enough for me to lose the championship and take second place. What was really heartbreaking was in later overhearing the two of them talking and laughing; they were related.

In grade eight I took woodworking for the first time since my days working with Mr. Clark. I made a small cedar jewelry box, a footstool with a hinged upholstered lid, and a plastic ring with a fake diamond insert. My woodworking teacher entered all my projects in the Saskatchewan grade eight woodworking exhibitions where I won two first prizes and a second. I was happy at being recognized for my achievements but again it brought me pain, as others were jealous and there was more fighting. It didn’t pay to be too good.

In sports, I had similar experiences. In grade nine I took physical education and the coach asked me to try out for track and field. I was the fastest runner in my class and in the hop, skip and jump, I landed on the grass on the other side of the pit. I wasn’t praised by my peers for these feats, but criticized for showing off. After school, or on weekends, I had similar experiences when playing pick-up baseball and football. I was not only a fast runner, but also a good catcher and an accurate and strong thrower. In baseball, I was also a consistent home run hitter. It got so bad that the team I was chosen to play on would have to give the other team a handicap, either in points or in extra players. Sometimes I would even have to bat one handed and not wear a glove when fielding, and then other times, I was just not allowed to play. After a while, playing sports and games wasn’t fun. I never tried out for any high school athletics as I figured what’s the use. Also in grade eight, in order to feel like I belonged and was part of something, I joined the Air Cadets for a year. After that, I joined the militia for another year. While the lowest military ranks had to march to the same drummer, military life also has its social structure, and if you didn’t fit in with your peers or the chain of command, you were given a hard time.

heart2 As I’m typing this into the computer I can feel how I’ve stopped myself from doing what I love, or being the best, as that only brought more rejection and heartbreak. I can feel the heartbreak of always having to be less than others to be accepted by them, and then to be rejected because I’m not as good as the others. It was a no win situation. ♥

In grade ten, I had all my broken and rotten teeth pulled out, and I had to go to school for six months with no upper teeth or dentures, as my gums had to heal before I could get my dentures fitted. It was also the last time that we moved as a family, as my parents bought a small two-bedroom house. I also got my first car in grade ten, a 1950 Plymouth. Now I had the freedom to not only get away from home, but to also get a part time job at the other end of the city and earn some money so that I could be more independent.

I didn’t know what I wanted after high school, but I kept my options open for university until grade twelve, when I dropped my university credits to focus on shop and automotive subjects. After I graduated and had the summer to think about it, I went back for a second year in grade twelve to get the university credits that I dropped the year before. I was now re-considering university but I still wasn’t sure of my direction, as psychiatry, psychology, archaeology, architecture, and electronic engineering were all appealing to me.

The following summer I took a job at Kentucky Fried Chicken for a few months, and then decided to take a better paying job with the Department of Highways as a lab tech, so that I could save up for university. During the summer and fall, I worked 10–12 hours a day, 6 or 7 days a week, in a small 6’ x 8’ trailer. I’d collect asphalt road samples, wash them with carbon tetrachloride to remove the asphalt, then heat the remaining gravel to remove all the moisture content so that the samples could be sieved for analysis. I can remember times when my head would be spinning and I’d have to get out of the trailer to clear my head. Years later, I discovered that carbon-tetrachloride is super toxic. After a year, I quit to go to work with my cousin cleaning up new and used cars. It was during this time that I enrolled in a home study course in electronics through DeVry Tech.

I never had a girl friend; I had girl friends, or rather girls that I knew from school or work, that I would sometimes drive home, but