Living Life Happy, Volume 2: Triumph in Personal and Professional Relationships

Living Life Happy:

Triumph in Personal

and Professional Relationships

Joyce A. Salvo

Donald K. Bowman

Copyright © 2015 Avana Method Inc.

All rights reserved

ISBN: 978-1-4835799-3-1

This book or parts thereof may not be reproduced in any form,

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Published by: Avana Method, Inc.

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Living Life Happy

Volume 2

Living Life Happy:

Triumph in Personal

and Professional Relationships

Book 4

Home and Family

Joyce A. Salvo

Donald K. Bowman

DEDICATION

This book is a dedication to those who strive to make a house a home

filled with happiness, laughter, compassion and love. For our friends,

family, extended family, clients and those who find us through their

search, we are forever grateful for the opportunity to gift you these

words to light your way with confirmation and affirmation.

Book 4 – Home and Family

Notes from the Authors

The Home Environment

Introduction

Your Relationships in the Home

Study of the Home Environment

Conflicts and Resolutions in the Home

Keys to a Happy Marriage

Loving Parents–Happy Child

Transforming the Home Environment

Let’s Wrap This Up!

Notes from the Authors

It’s taken a long time to write, edit and publish the Living Life Happy book series – it’s been a labor of love. The series is a unique summary of our lives, experiences and ongoing desire to help others. In writing the first three books, we have learned a great deal about ourselves. We trust you have, too.

Together, we have explored what makes us either happy or unhappy and what causes stress. We spent considerable time and effort unraveling the mysteries of conflict and stress, how it feels, where it comes from and what to do about it. There are no right or wrong answers; instead, our answers are based on self-discovery, environmental history, our personal desires, wants and needs.

In the first books, we introduced and elaborated on the three principles of Living Life Happy: Unemotional Awareness, Acceptance and Choice − three effective and healthy methods of coping with potentially stressful situations. Although the methods are sound and proven, the effective use of these three principles requires practice. At the end of each book, simple activities allow you to easily practice the method and messages you have received. We trust that, through practice, these methods are becoming a wonderful new habit that is a part of your life.

Practicing the simple step-by-step approach, we’re well on our way to discovering balance in the five aspects of our personal life. In this and the next two books, we will be looking at the five aspects of our social life. If we follow the same step-by-step approach, we can experience the same balance and wellness in our social life that we’re creating in our personal life.

Balanced Social Life

As we’ve discussed, our personal life consists of 5 aspects: Physical, Mental, Emotional, Spiritual and Energetic. Similarly, everyone’s social life consists of 5 aspects: Home & Family, Work, Community, Recreation and Finance.

Consider the aspects of your social life to be like five spokes on a wheel. For the wheel to turn smoothly all spokes must be equally strong; otherwise, you’re in for a bumpy ride. So, if we are to experience social balance and wellness, each aspect of our social life will need attention.

However, too many of us either fail to understand or are ignoring the importance of these 5 aspects. Because they are all interrelated, each affects the balance of the others. For example, stress at work can affect our life at home and conflict at home can affect our performance at work. In addition, financial imbalance might be the primary cause of stress in our lives and can certainly affect every other social aspect.

We need to rebalance and re-create ourselves if we expect to function properly in our social aspects and environments. All work and no play is not a recipe for a happy life; we need to take time for recreation too. We can’t focus solely on our home or work and exclude our community. A balanced community aspect offers us support, feelings of unity and purpose.

Happiness and Wellness

As we use the three principles to lead our authentic, balanced personal life, we become aware that in most cases, we're in control of our happiness and wellness. This holds true in our social life, too, but there’s also a twist.

Whereas in our personal life, we had to be concerned with only our character, our social lives involve many more characters, both figuratively and literally! The twist is that in our social life we need to expand the use of the three principles and employ healthy and effective methods of coping with conflict and stress between our character and many others.

Fortunately, our personal life was a safe place to develop these skills and new habits; now, those same skills can be put to use in social settings. In our social lives, there are far more opportunities for conflict with each social situation. However, practicing these skills in our social relationships provides opportunities to learn. Both seemingly fortunate and unfortunate situations allow us to learn and become aware of our typical responses and reactions.

At the core of our many social relationships lie the friendships we develop through love and respect for one another. Just as we cannot love others until we first love ourselves, neither can we fulfill our personal desires if we’re not in relationships that support others. In effect, it’s a Catch-22. Are you fully present yourself, with balance in all aspects of your personal life? That is when you will be fully present in all aspects, interactions and relationships of your social life too!

Let’s take a deeper look at the most important aspect of our social life: home and family.

Book 4 - Home and Family

Introduction

Home, Family and Household

With the ever-changing social dynamic, the home and family environment now encompasses a variety of homes, families and households. Because everyone associated with our daily living situation should be considered part of our home, the phrase home and family in this book refers to those people with whom we have a close or intimate relationship. It is not the intention to exclude anyone when we refer to home and family.

Although the term home¹ may apply to many places, it generally describes a place that is close to the heart. The condition of the home is known to influence occupants’ behavior, emotions and overall health. The word family² is associated with a group of people related by birth, marriage, or co-residence. As the basic unit for child-raising, a family might be a father, mother and children (nuclear family); a single parent and children; or extended family in which parent(s) and children co-reside with other family members.

Family is often confused with household,³ which is the basic unit of analysis in many government models. The term refers to all individuals occupying or living in the same place or dwelling. It may be a single family, one person living alone, two or more families living together, or any other group of related or unrelated persons sharing living arrangements.

When we use the phrase home and family, we mean for you to consider those people with whom you have a close or an intimate relationship. Although there may be many physical differences, something every home and family should have in common is the love and respect all members have for one other.

The home and family environment is the first and most-important aspect of our social life. Finding balance, peace, happiness and wellness in this environment demands our greatest effort. If we fail to discover these, we need to try again. If again we’re unsuccessful, we need to repeat our efforts until we succeed.

No other success can compensate for failure in the home.

- J. E. McCulloch, American Author

It is of vital importance that we exhaust all possibilities, for if we’re not a success at home, we will have difficulty finding or feeling like a success in other environments as well. It all begins with you, you are part of the family, you are part of the whole and everyone deserves your authentic character to ensure peace and balance.

House vs. Home

A house is merely a building, a roof over your head providing shelter, whereas a home is far more. For example, we sometimes hear the expression, home is where the heart is. A home should be a place filled with love, compassion and service to others, in which our relationships are intimate, authentic and centered on supporting the needs of each other.

Without such relationships, our dwellings too often become mere houses or shelters − as when two college freshmen (strangers) are forced to live in the same dorm room. With nothing in common, conflicts in character and little or no respect for each other, these students may feel that their arrangements are a far cry from home. In fact, college housing can be just that − housing, which illustrates an important distinction. We inhabit places and houses, but we live, grow, mature and have relationships in homes. These are not subtle differences.

HOME: "A man travels the world over in search of what he

needs and returns home to find it."

–George A. Moore, Irish Novelist

For this reason, a house truly becomes a home when unconditional love, compassion and respect create a platform on which all securely stand. A home is something you can feel when you walk through the door, a sense of safe haven and togetherness. When we share our character with others and desire to support their needs, relationships blossom. Despite differences in character within it, every house can become a home. It just takes a little effort to deal with the characters (literally and figuratively) in our home, family and household.

The bottom line is this: your home may or may not consist of the perfect marriage; it may or may not consist of the perfect family you always assumed you’d have. Perhaps, you never imagined that your married children and their family members or your aged parents or in-laws would now be living with you. Nevertheless, whatever its composition, this home is your home.

Every home environment creates a unique character - the mixture of the unique characters living together. Thus, in addition to the home’s individuals having a character, so too does the home environment itself. As the leader (refer to Book 3), you can have the greatest influence on shaping that character. If you’re a leader of good character, the home will most likely take on a similar character. Still, there are plenty of opportunities for conflict.

Sources of Conflict and Stress

Throughout the centuries, wars, famines, plagues and collapses of civilizations have caused imbalance and stress in the home. In addition, there have been common and more personal stressors in the majority of homes, many of which we still encounter:

Death of a loved one

Divorce, separation, or marital problems

Work-related issues: losing or not having a job, having a stressful or demanding job, poor job security, two full-time wage earners

Financial debt, credit card balances - worldly wants influencing what we think we want at any cost

Physical, mental, or emotional health issues (yours or those of your spouse or children): medical costs, health insurance, addiction

Relationships within and outside the home

Spouses

Parents and children

Siblings

Extended family

Family friends

Too much to do and too little time

Not enough private time or recreational time

Not enough quality time

Major life changes: pregnancy, new baby or retirement

Your perception of what society expects

Your perception of your parent’s expectations

From this list, we can readily see that some of the stressful situations are inevitable. But the list also contains the misguided choices we make in search of happiness and those sources stemming from conflicts and imbalance outside of the home. These ultimately raise the home’s level of stress.

Regardless of the origin of the stress, it is the responsibility and characteristic of a good leader to take life as it comes, addressing situations as they arise, accepting them and dealing with them effectively. To do all of these, we must first have a good understanding of our relationships within our home and family.

FAMILY: I sustain myself with the love of family.

- Maya Angelou, American Author and Poet

Your Relationships in the Home

Here is a truth that’s worth repeating; your home-and-family environment is your most important environment and demands your greatest effort. Your relationship with that environment and the people within it depends on you being the best version of yourself. In fact, the quality of all relationships in the home relates to how well you maintain your authentic character and live your authentic life. The more self-aware, self-accepting, loving and forgiving you are with yourself; the better will be your relationships with others.

To have the ideal effect on relationships within the home, we should first have our life in order. Secondly, we should commit the time to study and access our relationship with others in our environment and-become aware of any potential conflicts of character.

"I want to be in a relationship where you telling me

you love me is just a ceremonious validation

of what you already show me."

- Dr. Steve Maraboli, American Behavioral Scientist

You and Your Influence on the Environment

Here’s another truth worth noting; in many cases, while striving to lead authentic lives, we may unknowingly be the source of needless stress and conflict. We’re talking about you! But don’t worry, there’s good news here as well.

For example, I (Joyce) have seen remarkable shifts take place in clients who focus on themselves instead of their aggravating party. After things improve, I point out or remind those clients that what caused the improvement were the changes they made in themselves. Then, the complexion of the environment changed and influenced the people in it as well.

Although it is very simple to start with ourselves, for many powerful reasons we tend to deflect that onto what’s wrong with everyone else. So, the question that can bring you back to you is, How does this make me feel? Another important observation I have made is that many clients complain about other people and seldom about their relationship together. It takes two people to have an argument, two people to be in conflict.

As surprising as it may be to hear, you are 50 percent of the problem. While reading this, you may be saying, Not me. It’s everyone else in the home; they’re the problem. You should get a look at the characters I live with! We can all relate to this thought. But, although others may be at fault, we need to become unemotionally aware of our role in causing stress at home. At the least, it may simply be how you are reacting to everyone else’s issues.

Although none of us likes hearing or admitting this, none of us is perfect. And, being imperfect, we are the cause of some conflicts in the home. Even with our best intentions, unconscious thoughts programmed in childhood may cause us to react or respond in ways that create conflict. Just think of the number of conflicts and issues that go unresolved in a typical week in your home. We are part of those conflicts, even those we didn’t start.

And these issues need solutions. If we’re not part of the solution ourselves, then we’re clearly part of the problem even if we’re not consciously aware of it. The more personalities in the home, the greater the opportunity for conflict and stress. That’s a problem needing a solution.

So, what can be done to ensure that you’re not the cause of the problem? If you’re not the cause, how can you ensure that you’re part of the solution? Either way, you need to become unemotionally aware of your role, accept it and then make healthy and effective choices. So, once again, it all begins with you, as you play a major role in all relationships. Let’s look at a few things you can do to help build healthy relationships.

Balanced Personal Life

A balanced personal life is critical for our relationships in the home. Can we honestly expect our relationships to be ideal when we’re not at our physical, mental, or emotional best? No! However, when we have balance in our personal life, our home will be naturally filled with more happiness and wellness.

Being balanced in 3 or 4 of the 5 aspects is not good enough! Accept yourself at the level of balance you are and then work on improving the situation. If you’re feeling under-par emotionally or physically, your relationships within the home environment will suffer. When we are not in peak condition, our behavior, responses and reactions can initiate conflict and stress.

Changes in our balance can happen quite innocently. During the summer, for example, you might be active outside, get plenty of exercise and eat well. Then comes the fall and next the winter. Less outside activity and too much food around the holidays leave you a little bit heavier, a little less energetic and with less pep in your step. These have put you out of balance.

Soon, income tax time rolls around with you (perhaps some what frantically) trying to assemble the pieces of the puzzle. Maybe organization and math aren’t your strong suits, so getting ready for the deadline mentally and emotionally could be exhausting you. Now, you’re a little less balanced than before. Perhaps you’ve also been busy at work with a new project and putting in long hours. As a result, your weekends are even busier than normal, it’s been months since you’ve set foot in a church, had some fun or exercised.

At this point, you’re more than just a little imbalanced; you’ve actually changed! Although such changes in our personal life may be so subtle that we discount them, they do affect us and our energetic aspect reveals the imbalance. Then, what we think and say may become less positive, which inevitably affects our relationships with others!

Are you leading a balanced personal life and serving as a positive role model? (If you have questions, use Book 2 as a reference.) Each aspect of your personal life - physical, mental, emotional, spiritual and energetic, must be balanced and given the appropriate attention. The truth within you lets you know if you are honestly balanced or if you are not. You will know which aspect needs a little more focus and attention. Taking a brief amount of time each day to become unemotionally aware of your personal life balance is vital.

Balanced Social Life

Because the individuals within your home most likely know you better than anyone else, they will quickly perceive if you are fully present (living in the moment), or not. When you are imbalanced in your personal or social life, there will be an imbalance in the home. Balance in the home and family is required for a balanced personal and social life, while the balance in your personal life and social life are required for a balanced home life. Picture an endless circular relationship − our personal balance affects our homes and family, which in turn affect us.

Are you leading a balanced social life and serving as a positive role model? Each aspect of your social life should be balanced and given the appropriate attention as well. The truth within you lets you know if you are honestly balanced and if not, which aspects need a little more focus and attention. Take time each day to become unemotionally aware of your social life. Are you spending too much time and energy at work or suffering from financial imbalance and debt? Are you exhausted because you’ve not taken the time for rest and recreation?

Because the home environment is typically the environment in which we feel most comfortable, too often we may also feel comfortable being miserable and out of character there. But when we’re out of sorts, the effect on the home environment is immediate! Accept yourself as you are and then make the proper choice to improve the situation.

Authentic Self: Best Version of Yourself

When reading Book 2, which focused on helping you discover your authentic self, what did you learn about you? Are you living your authentic life? Do you maintain the same character at home that you do in other environments? Do you wear a mask or take on different personalities with certain members of the family or when certain situations occur?

We are called to be our authentic self in all environments and all situations. And, we are happiest when we live the best version of ourselves and remain authentic. Expressed another way, we are not happy when we act out of character and play different roles.

For example, suppose you have a warm, loving and supporting relationship with your spouse; but when you’re with your in-laws, you become a different person. Why? Are you playing a role with your in-laws that the world tells you to play? Or do you just feel uncomfortable being your authentic self around them? Do you try too hard to impress them with what a good parent, spouse and provider you are?

Regardless of whether we are talking with our spouse, young children, adult children or in-laws, we need to remain authentic in character and to ourselves. If we’re honest and trusting with our spouse, we should be the same with our in-laws. As soon as we step out of our honest and trusting character, our relationship with others becomes stressed. We are changed and those relationships are as well.

When watching a movie or TV show, you’ll often notice the stress caused by actors not being their authentic selves. Such actors might be police officers who try to be trusting at home but struggle to do so because of the constant untrusting nature of their jobs. It might be an attorney who tries to be understanding at home but acts differently because of the analytical nature of their job. And then we have the parent who is forgiving, supporting and loving to one child but treats another child the opposite.

Yes, some situations cause us to respond differently than we would prefer. There will also be times when trying to become unemotional (when we study situations or assess environments), we naturally become more discerning. But if we remain committed to living our authentic life, everything is done in a loving and supportive manner, knowing that in our home, love and peace are supreme. When living our authentic life, the choices we make eliminate needless stress.

You as a Leader

When in balance and living their authentic lives, leaders value themselves and are passionate about their service to others. Leaders desire to support the needs, wants and desires of those placed in their care. A successful leader is capable of guiding and leading their household with godly wisdom, love and understanding.¹

Are you successful in your desire to support the needs of others in your home? Do they feel loved and understood? Do they have hope, a vision or a goal? Meeting these needs is a necessity. Are you successful in your desire to support the wants of others in your home? Are the wants of others known, identified, ignored, discussed, addressed or met?

Obviously, all wants will never be met, but an effective leader is at least aware of them. Accept whatever role you can play in helping others get or discern their wants. Are you successful in supporting the desires, goals and aspirations of others in your home? Just as every leader is passionate about their goals and desires, the authentic desires of others in the home environment should be discussed and supported too.

As an adult, you are a leader and your family is your most important circle of influence. The quality of your leadership rests on your behavior and actions. Other members in the home, regardless of age, gender or