Everybody Wins: The Chapman Guide to Solving Conflicts without Arguing
By Gary Chapman
4.5/5
()
About this ebook
Gary Chapman
Gary Chapman--author, speaker, counselor--has a passion for people and for helping them form lasting relationships. He is the #1 bestselling author of The 5 Love Languages series and director of Marriage and Family Life Consultants, Inc. Gary travels the world presenting seminars, and his radio programs air on more than four hundred stations. For more information visit his website at www.5lovelanguages.com.
Read more from Gary Chapman
The 4 Seasons of Marriage: Secrets to a Lasting Marriage Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Six Conversations: Pathways to Connecting in an Age of Isolation and Incivility Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Loving Your Spouse When You Feel Like Walking Away: Real Help for Desperate Hearts in Difficult Marriages Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5The 5 Love Languages Singles Edition: The Secret That Will Revolutionize Your Relationships Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Crazy Little Thing Called Marriage: 12 Secrets for a Lifelong Romance Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Love Notes for Couples: 90 Days of Love Language Minute Devotions Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5The One Year Love Language Minute Devotional Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5The 30-Day Love Language Minute Devotional Volume 1 Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5The Marriage You've Always Wanted Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5The 30-Day Love Language Minute Devotional Volume 2 Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The DIY Guide to Building a Family that Lasts: 12 Tools for Improving Your Home Life Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5You Get Me: Simple, Romantic Ways to Speak the 5 Love Languages Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsLove Language Minute for Couples: 100 Days to a Closer Relationship Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Screen Kids: 5 Relational Skills Every Child Needs in a Tech-Driven World Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Have Serious Fun: And 12 Other Principles to Make Each Day Count Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5
Related to Everybody Wins
Related ebooks
Happily Ever After: Six Secrets to a Successful Marriage Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/55 Simple Ways to Strengthen Your Marriage: ...When You're Stuck at Home Together Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5One More Try: What to Do When Your Marriage Is Falling Apart Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The 5 Apology Languages: The Secret to Healthy Relationships Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Married And Still Loving It: The Joys and Challenges of the Second Half Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsTeam Us: The Unifying Power of Grace, Commitment, and Cooperation in Marriage Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Argument-Free Marriage: 28 Days to Creating the Marriage You've Always Wanted with the Spouse You Already Have Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratings75 Habits for a Happy Marriage: Marriage Advice to Recharge and Reconnect Every Day Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Wholehearted Wife: 10 Keys to a More Loving Relationship Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsWhat Are the 5 Love Languages?: The Official Book Summary Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage: Unlocking the Secrets to Life, Love and Marriage Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/552 Uncommon Dates: A Couple's Adventure Guide for Praying, Playing, and Staying Together Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Loving Him Well: Practical Advice on Influencing Your Husband Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Draw Close: A Devotional for Couples Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe 30 Secrets Of Happily Married Couples Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5It Takes One to Tango: How I Rescued My Marriage with (Almost) No Help from My Spouse—and How You Can, Too Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Boundaries in Marriage: Understanding the Choices That Make or Break Loving Relationships Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Marriage Triggers: Exchanging Spouses' Angry Reactions for Gentle Biblical Responses Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5When Bad Things Happen to Good Marriages: How to Stay Together When Life Pulls You Apart Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/59 Lies That Will Destroy Your Marriage: And the Truths That Will Save It and Set It Free Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsPreparing Your Heart for Marriage: Devotions for Engaged Couples Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5The Art Of Marriage Communication: Communication Habits That Will Kill Your Relationship And How To Do It Better Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Remarriage Manual: How to Make Everything Work Better the Second Time Around Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Your Time-Starved Marriage: How to Stay Connected at the Speed of Life Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Little Book of Great Dates: 52 Creative Ideas to Make Your Marriage Fun Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsI Don't Want a Divorce: A 90 Day Guide to Saving Your Marriage Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Marriage You've Always Wanted Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5
Inspirational For You
Feeding the Soul (Because It's My Business): Finding Our Way to Joy, Love, and Freedom Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Anam Cara [Twenty-fifth Anniversary Edition]: A Book of Celtic Wisdom Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Confessions of St. Augustine: Modern English Version Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5A Calendar of Wisdom: Daily Thoughts to Nourish the Soul, Written and Se Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Dear Jesus, Seeking His Light in Your Life, with Scripture references Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5When God Winks at You: How God Speaks Directly to You Through the Power of Coincidence Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5That Bird Has My Wings: An Oprah's Book Club Pick Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Celebration of Discipline, Special Anniversary Edition Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Conversations With God, Book 3: Embracing the Love of the Universe Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Creative Cure: How Finding and Freeing Your Inner Artist Can Heal Your Life Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Jesus Calling, 365 Devotions with Real-Life Stories, with Full Scriptures Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Out of Sorts: Making Peace with an Evolving Faith Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5One Day My Soul Just Opened Up: 40 Days And 40 Nights Toward Spiritual Strength And Personal Growth Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The 50 Fridays Marriage Challenge: One Question a Week. One Incredible Marriage. Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5A Diary of Private Prayer Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Bonhoeffer Abridged: Pastor, Martyr, Prophet, Spy Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Gospel of Inclusion: Reaching Beyond Religious Fundamentalism to the True Love of God and Self Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Finding Chika: A Little Girl, an Earthquake, and the Making of a Family Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Rumi's Little Book of Wisdom Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Finding God in Anime: A Devotional for Otakus: Finding God in Anime, #1 Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Searching for Enough: The High-Wire Walk Between Doubt and Faith Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5The Knowledge of the Holy: The Attributes of God Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5God Talks With Arjuna: The Bhagavad Gita Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The 4:8 Principle: The Secret to a Joy-Filled Life Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Eternal Echoes: Celtic Reflections on Our Yearning to Belong Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Red Sea Rules: 10 God-Given Strategies for Difficult Times Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/564 Lessons for a Life Without Limits Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Angels of a Lower Flight: One Woman's Mission to Save a Country . . . One Child at a Time Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Home with God: In a Life That Never Ends Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Einstein and the Rabbi: Searching for the Soul Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5
Related categories
Reviews for Everybody Wins
19 ratings1 review
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Simple, creative, practical and helpful! Thank you Dr. Gary for your profound insights. Keep writing!
Book preview
Everybody Wins - Gary Chapman
I
NTRODUCTION
For more than thirty years, couples have been walking into my office seeking help. Almost without exception, they come in because of unresolved conflicts. They have argued for so long that each knows what the other is going to say. Their arguments have become predictable, but resolution eludes them. Exhausted, they have now come for professional help. However, I often sense that they view me more as a judge than a counselor, secretly hoping that I will pronounce their spouse guilty of illogical thinking and unreasonable demands.
Because I am a counselor and not a judge, I begin the arduous task of listening to their complaints. They review their well-worn speeches for me, certain that I will see the logic of their respective positions. I listen carefully and take notes, but as a counselor, I’m not as concerned with logic as I am about relationships. I know that in their hearts they want more than to resolve a disagreement. What they deeply long for is a better relationship. Behind the frustration of unresolved conflicts is the desire for harmony.
Loving relationships are fostered by understanding, not by winning arguments. So I begin to ask a question such as, How do you feel when those words come out of his mouth?
or What happens inside you when you hear her make that comment?
I listen, take notes, and ask more questions, seeking to discover the feelings that lie beneath the conflicts. No conflict will ever be resolved successfully unless we first understand the underlying feelings.
I also ask couples questions about values: Why is this so important to you?
The answer to that question often reveals the values that created a conflict in the first place. If I don’t understand their values, I will never comprehend why they feel so strongly about the issues. As a counselor, I am doing for these couples what they have never learned to do for themselves. I am seeking to understand them. Understanding fosters resolution and harmony.
When I did the research for my book The Four Seasons of Marriage, I encountered hundreds of couples who admitted to having a winter
marriage; that is, their marriages were characterized by anger, disappointment, loneliness, negativity, discouragement, frustration, and hopelessness. Their relationships were detached, cold, harsh, and bitter. They felt alone and betrayed. They had hunkered down in the igloo and hoped for spring, but for many, spring never came.[1]
Almost all of these couples started their marriages in spring. They had great visions of a happy life together. They intended to make their spouse supremely happy. Life would be beautiful. But some of these couples went straight from spring to winter, skipping summer and fall altogether. Others could look back on a former season in their marriages when the flowers bloomed and the sun was shining. Now they have to admit that the flowers have been dead for a long time.
What brought these couples from the anticipation of spring to the harshness of winter in their marriage relationships? Almost without exception, the process involved unresolved conflicts. Differences emerged, and some of these differences became divisive. The couples had no training in how to resolve conflicts, so they ended up trying to convince their spouse of the validity of their own perspective by means of carefully worded arguments. When the arguments were unconvincing, they repeated them with more intensity and blamed their spouse for being illogical and unreasonable. Eventually, tired of arguing, they withdrew from each other, and the coldness of winter settled over the marriage.
Couples have conflicts in all four seasons of marriage. Those who learn to resolve their conflicts spend more time in spring and summer. Those who fail to resolve conflicts inevitably drift to a fall or winter marriage. These unresolved conflicts create a sense of hopelessness for many couples. They see only two options: remain in the marriage and be miserable, or dissolve the marriage and hope that somewhere in the future they will find someone with whom they are more compatible.
Those who choose the latter option fail to realize that no marriage is without conflict.
I believe there is a third option: Couples who learn how to resolve their conflicts without arguing turn the coldness of winter to the hope and promise of spring. Whatever the season of your marriage—spring, summer, fall, or winter—I believe that your relationship will be strengthened if you can learn the art of resolving conflicts in a positive way.
In this short book, my objective is to help you learn how to understand your spouse so that you can resolve conflicts rather than simply win (or lose) arguments. When you win an argument, your spouse is the loser. And we all know it’s no fun to live with a loser. When you resolve a conflict, you and your spouse both win and your friendship is strengthened. Good marriages are based on friendship, not on winning arguments.
I wrote this book for the thousands of couples who will never seek the services of a professional counselor but who would desperately like to learn how to resolve conflicts. I have chosen to write in the language of everyday life, not with highly technical terminology or lofty theological concepts. My desire is that this