Ledbetter 1 Olivia Ledbetter Mrs.

Pratt English 1102-049 March 24, 2014

Tough Love

I haven't exactly been "happy" for a long time now. I used to be able to go to my mom with anything and ask for advice on things that nobody else knew about. Of course things were much simpler then, back when getting my permit and making it to cheer practice on time were my biggest worries. It seems as though everything happened so fast. Suddenly I have to lie and hide half of my life from her because she simply wouldn't understand. She thinks I am too young and naive to have the freedom that I desire, and she might be right. I simply long for the day when I can have my best friend back completely and can tell her anything and everything again. This will come with time because with time comes change. Adolescence is one of the most difficult times in every childs life and this in turn makes it a difficult time for the relationship between that of a parent and child. How does the relationship between a mother and daughter change through adolescence? The beginning A mother is a childs first love. A mother carries her child in the womb for nine months. Thats nine months that the child depends on the mother for everything; eating, breathing, living. They grow a special bond with one another that continues to grow

Ledbetter 2 throughout childhood. Adolescence or the teenage years brings about a whole new experience. Children grow into teenagers and they begin to mature and transform into adults. Adolescence is the exact time when the problems between my mother and I started. Growing up my mother and I had an inseparable bond. I told her everything whether it was good or bad, we did everything together and she was very protective and sheltered me for the majority of my childhood. Once I began adolescence and started to want to experience new things and be my own person, making my own decisions, she began to get stricter and we started butting heads. We would constantly argue on what I thought was right and what she thought was right and could never come to a happy medium. Our situations would always escalate quickly and would get to the point where we wouldnt talk for several hours to days. Daughters are screaming to be heard and understood by their mothers (Hasseldine). Mothers have an unconditional love for their daughters. They would do anything for them and it hurts to see your child grow up and not need you like they once did (Pickhardt). Nothing is more frustrating than trying to talk about something that is important to you, or ask about something that matters a lot and being shut down or told no for no apparent reason, trust me I know. College sparked a huge conflict between my mother and I. She had always dreamed of me going to this small town college close to my house where I would cheer and live at home. Once senior year rolled around I began to want to choose my own path and plan out my own future. My mom didnt have a problem with this until I toured the University of North Carolina at Charlotte and fell in love. I began to plan out my future and everything started to fall into place. Everything was going good for me for once except my relationship with my mother, and it

Ledbetter 3 progressively started to get worse. As summer came to an end and move in date rolled around everything was seemingly okay and my mother was content that I was going away for school. When the semester began I met a great group of friends who have had a really great impact on my life, some good and some bad. I met my so-called new best friend here. She is now the person I turn to for everything on advice that I once went to my mother for. I know in fact that my mother approves of my new friend and everything that she has done with and for me. But even with her approval there is still something that doesnt sit well with my mom and its the fact that she is no longer that person in my life. Only time will tell Findings suggest that although 11th grade marks a period of increased adolescent mobility and autonomy, parents continue to overestimate the extent of their knowledge about their teens. Parents think that they know it all and that they are always right and this isnt always true (Orrell-Valente, Hill, Alegre, and Halpern-Felsher). Most of the arguments that my mom and I have are never resolved. She thinks that she knows what is best and what should be done, and while this is true at times, she cant be right all the time. I also think that I am right in many situations and we are both so stubborn that neither one of us will admit to being wrong even if we know we are wrong. Most of the stuff we argue about is pointless anyways. If we would meet in the middle and she would give a little freedom and I would compromise with her guidelines, we would solve most of our issues and not go days in constant argument. One of the main reasons that my mother and I have a hard time meeting in the middle is because we are the same person in many ways. We both have a blunt personality and hate to admit when we are wrong or

Ledbetter 4 surrender to one another. This is what leads to long arguments and feeling of tension between each other. Parents, mothers imparticular, report of their children growing more independent and desiring more freedom as well as being more argumentative or objective during conflicts. They also report an increase in egocentrism during the adolescence stage; their children begin to think the world revolves around them and everything is supposed to go their way (Shearer, Crouter, McHale). Ill admit, when I first began to go through adolescence I felt as though I was more important than my other family members. My dad even began to call me queen bee. My mother was the person who noticed my growing ego first. She never ceased to remind me that I had four other siblings that mattered just as much as I did, and this also brought conflict when I didnt get my way. The hard truth What does a mother do when her teenaged daughter is spinning out of control, and nothing is bringing her back? Some girls transform from a sweet, ribbon-wearing, kiss-giving, doll-loving little girl to a young woman who is angry, secretive and often worse (Shoemaker). How did things suddenly become so complicated? What was once so simple is now an everyday battle. It seems as though the stronger the fight and the harder the effort, the lesser the care and the faster the space grows. I try my hardest everyday to avoid topics that will spark argument and to control my sarcastic personality in order to avoid causing issues. I am in college now, and I know that all the decisions I am making wouldnt make my mother the least bit proud. This is what scares her. She knows that I am not necessarily making the smartest decisions and I am even making some of the same mistakes that she made when she was my age. What she doesnt

Ledbetter 5 understand is that the stricter she becomes and the more she tells me not to do something, the more I am going to want to do it and the more likely I am to rebel against her. I have to make mistakes in order to learn and grow. I will forever wonder and question things if I never experience them for myself. This is where the lying comes in. She will constantly ask me questions about college, relationships, parties, etc. and I have to lie to her time after time about most things because she simply wouldnt understand. She would jump to conclusions or simply not accept that whats done is done and she cant do anything to change what I already did. Many women arent good with conflict or anger. Mothers never think of what its going to be like once their baby girl gets old enough to have the need and desire to go out and experience the cold, cruel world. She is simply thinking about how sweet and innocent her daughter is. She knows things wont always be simple, the occasional argument or squabble will occur, but nothing can prepare a mother for the treacherous adolescent years. Thinking of your own daughter not getting along with you and moving on to sharing her whole world with friends and peers is simply unimaginable (Shoemaker). I can see why it upsets my mother when she doesnt know anything about my life anymore. When my friends and siblings know more about my life and can relate to me more than she can. Its a scary thought and I understand that, but she has to learn how to trust and believe in me before we can ever mend our relationship completely. Here recently things between my mother and I have began to simmer down. We dont argue as much as we used to and we talk on a daily basis. Now we just have to work towards getting back to the best friend stage. Once we can set our differences aside and accept each other for who we are, things will be much better. Family Education

Ledbetter 6 provides us with advice on mending relationships. If your old way of thinking hasn't produced the most harmonious, loving feelings between mother and daughter that you can each summons, it is time to toss out that old belief system full of misconceptions, misunderstandings, and leftover ill feelings, and come up with a new one. However, the new belief system must be founded on pertinent, reliable facts that will affect positive change in your mother-daughter relationship (Repairing). You have to want something in order to achieve it; good things dont come easy. All the preconceptions and assumptions have to stop. This is also a new day and age so constantly referring to how things were in the past is also irrelevant. Its going to take both of us to fix our relationship and get back to the way we once were. Our relationship isnt going to be the same as it once was though. We have both grown and changed so much in the past couple of years. Striving for a stronger, better relationship with one another is the ultimate goal, and we will get there with time. Here lately things have been heading in the right direction. Were slowly getting closer like we used to be, but its a new kind of closeness. She is finally accepting that Im old enough to begin making my own decisions and making my own mistakes to learn from. Its easy to see how hard it is for her, but she is learning just as I am. What to do? There are many things that mothers and daughters can do in order to avoid growing apart and stay close throughout adolescence and on into adulthood. It wont be the easiest thing in the world and both mother and daughter wont be happy or pleased all the time and they wont always get what they want or have their way every time. But thats life and that is a part of having a close relationship and growing closer to someone

Ledbetter 7 that you love. There is a program and its called the Mother-Daughter Project and it was created to help mothers and their daughters during the pre-adolescent to adulthood stages. It brings mothers and daughters together who are having a hard time and they help each other and offer advice to one another in order to ease the conflict or tension that may be occurring in some situations. Their mission statement is We want to join with other women in exploring how we can continue to nurture our daughters through preadolescence, adolescence and into adulthood. We want to find ways to support each other as mothers and support our daughters as they are challenged by the restrictions placed on them by our culture. We want to explore ways that we can welcome our daughters into the powerful community of women (The Mother). This program is only one of the many resources out there that offer assistance and help when things get rough. There are counselors, classes, groups, programs, and many other options if you need a little extra help. My mother and I never got help or even thought about it. Looking back now, going to talk with someone or attending a group meeting with other mothers and daughters that were going through the same thing we were would have helped a lot. As I mentioned earlier, things between my mother and I are good now. Once that transition into college was over and we talked through a lot of things, our relationship started to heal. Adolescence is a distressed time for anybody. It will bring conflict and change with it and it is unavoidable. Mothers and daughters will begin to experience differences that they arent particularly fond of during this stage. No matter what the situation may be, a resolution can always be made and there are always brighter days. The relationship between a mother and daughter will change in a multitude of ways throughout

Ledbetter 8 adolescence and how they choose to deal with it is their business and each situation is different, but this is a part of life and its going to happen to everyone regardless.

Ledbetter 9 Works Cited Hasseldine, Rosjke. "The Emotional Crisis between Mothers and Daughters." The Emotional Crisis between Mothers and Daughters. N.p., 2006. Web. 24 Mar. 2014. Orrell-Valente, J.K, L.G Hill, J.M Alegre, and B.L Halpern-Felsher. "28: Adolescent Girls'

Increased Mobility and Autonomy, and Change in Mother-Daughter Relationship and Communication." Journal of Adolescent Health. 40.2 (2007). Web. 24 Mar. 2014. Pickhardt, Carl, Ph.D. "Surviving (Your Child's) Adolescence." The Challenge of Mothering an Adolescent Daughter. N.p., 2013. Web. 26 Mar. 2014. Repairing the Mother-Daughter Relationship." - FamilyEducation.com. N.p., 26 Mar. 2014. Web. 26 Mar. 2014. Shearer, Cindy, Ann Crouter, and Susan McHale. "Parents' Perceptions of Changes in Mother-

Child and Father-Child Relationships During Adolescence." Journal of Adolescent Research. 20.6 (2005): 662-684. Web. 24 Mar. 2014. Shoemaker, Carma Haley. "Moms and Daughters: Handling the Mean Teen Years." Disney Family.com. N.p., n.d. Web. 25 Mar. 2014. "Welcome | The Mother-Daughter Project." Welcome | The Mother-Daughter Project. N.p., 2010. Web. 22 Apr. 2014.