IF I DID IT

AUTHOR'S NOTE: If I did it, this is what happened.

IF I DID IT. Copyi!ht " #$$% &y O.'. Si(pson. A)) i!hts ese*ed. +inted in the United
States of A(ei,a. No pat of this &oo- (ay &e .sed o epod.,ed in any (anne
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CONTENTS
1. THE 7UC:IEST >U4 IN THE ?OR7D ................... 1 #. SO HA++4
TO>ETHER ................................................. 32 3. +ERIOD OF
CONFUSION ............................................ %2 =. THE T?O
NICO7ES ...................................................... 89 2. THIN>S FA77
A+ART .................................................... 113 %. THE NI>HT IN
@UESTION ..................................... 132 9. THE
INTERRO>ATION ................................................ 193 <. THE FI>HT OF 54
7IFE .......................................... #$2
1
THE 7UC:IEST >U4 I N THE ?OR7D
I'( !oin! to te)) yo. a stoy yo.'*e ne*e head &efoe, &e,a.se no one -nows this stoy
the way I -now it. It ta-es p)a,e on the ni!ht of '.ne 1#, 188=, and it ,on,ens the (.de
of (y e/;wife, Ni,o)e 6own Si(pson, and he yo.n! fiend, Rona)d >o)d(an. I want yo.
to fo!et e*eythin! yo. thin- yo. -now a&o.t that ni!ht &e,a.se I -now the fa,ts &ette
than anyone. I -now the p)ayes. I'*e seen the e*iden,e. I'*e head the theoies. And, of
,o.se, I'*e ead a)) the stoies: That I did it. That I did it &.t I don't -now I did it. That I ,an
no )on!e te)) fa,t fo( fi,tion. That I wa-e .p in the (idd)e of the ni!ht, ,ons.(ed &y !.i)t,
s,ea(in!. 5an, they e*en had (e wondein!, ?hat if I did itA ?e)), sit &a,-, peop)e. The
thin!s I -now, and the thin!s I &e)ie*e, yo. ,an't e*en i(a!ine. And I'( !oin! to shae
the(
#
O.'. SI5+SON
IF I DID IT I 3 n.(&e of yeas, and at one point had a,t.a))y sepaated, &.t we e,on,i)ed
fo the sa-e of o. two -ids, Ane))e, then nine, and 'ason, se*en. A few (onths into it,
tho.!h, whi)e 5a!.eite and I wee in the (idd)e of dinne, she set down he fo- and
!a*e (e a had )oo-. B?hatAB I as-ed. BThis isn't wo-in!,B she said. 'And I'( fi*e (onths
pe!nant.B I -new the (aia!e wasn't wo-in!, &.t the news of the pe!nan,y was a ea)
sho,-. ?e finished dinne in si)en,eCwe wee at the ho.se on Ro,-in!ha(, in
6entwoodCand afte dinne went to &ed, sti)) si)ent. I )ay thee in the da-, thin-in! a&o.t
the .n&on &a&y. I -new 5a!.eite wo.)d ne*e ,onside an a&otion, and it (ade fo a
*ey stan!e sit.ation: The yo.n!est Si(pson wo.)d &e Doinin! a fa(i)y that had a)eady
fa))en apat. In the (onin!, I to)d 5a!.eite that I was !oin! to !o to the (o.ntains fo a
ni!ht o two, to thin- thin!s tho.!h, and I pa,-ed a s(a)) &a! and too- off. On (y way o.t
of town, I stopped at a 6e*e)y Hi))s Dewe)y stoe to pi,- o.t an anni*esay pesent fo he
Cwe'd &een (aied a de,ade ea)ie, on '.ne #=, 18%9Cthen paid fo it and )eft. As I
(ade (y way down the steet, headin! &a,- to (y ,a, I an into a !.y I -new, and we
went off to ha*e &ea-fast at The Daisy, a ,o.p)e of &)o,-s away. ?e fo.nd a 0.iet,
,one ta&)e, and o. yo.n! waitess ,a(e o*e. She was a st.nne: 6)onde, s)i(, and
&i!hteyed, with a s(i)e that ,o.)d -no,- a (an o*e. B ?ho ae yo.AB I as-ed.
with yo.. 6e,a.se the stoy yo. -now, o thin- yo. -nowCthat's not the stoy. Not e*en
,)ose. This is one stoy the who)e wo)d !ot won!. Fist, tho.!h, fo those of yo. who
don't -now (e, (y na(e is Oentha) 'a(es Si(psonCBO.'.B to (ost peop)e. 5any yeas
a!o, a )ifeti(e a!o, ea))y, I was a petty !ood foot&a)) p)aye. I set a few NCAA e,ods,
won the Heis(an tophy, and was na(ed the A(ei,an Foot&a)) Confeen,e's 5ost
Ea).a&)e +)aye thee ti (es. ?hen I etied fo( foot&a)), in 189<, I went to wo- fo N6C,
as a foot&a)) ana)yst, and in the yeas ahead I was ind.,ted into &oth the Co))e!e Foot&a))
Ha)) of Fa(e and the +o Foot&a)) Ha)) of Fa(e. I did a )itt)e a,tin!, too, and fo a n.(&e
of yeas I was a pit,h(an fo HetF, the enta) ,a peop)e. So(e of yo. (i!ht e(e(&e
(e fo( the te)e*ision spots: I was a)ways .nnin! )ate, pessed fo ti(e, )eapin! o*e
fen,es and ,as and pi)es of ).!!a!e to ,at,h (y f)i!ht. If yo. don't see the iony in that,
yo. wi)). A)) of that was a )on! ti(e a!o, tho.!h, a )ifeti(e a!o, as I saidCa)) of that was
&efoe the fa)). And as I sit hee now, tyin! to te)) (y stoy, I'( ha*in! a to.!h ti(e
-nowin! whee to &e!in. Sti)), I'*e head it said that a)) stoies ae &asi,a))y )o*e stoies,
and (y stoy is no e/,eption. This is a )o*e stoy, too. And, )i-e a )ot of )o*e stoies, it
doesn't ha*e a happy endin!. 7et (e ta-e yo. &a,- a few yeas, to the s.((e of 1899. I
was (aied then, to (y fist wife, 5a!.eite, and we wee a&o.t to ,e)e&ate o. tenth
weddin! anni*esay, &.t it was not a !ood ti(e fo .s. 5a!.eite and I had &een on
sha-y !o.nd fo a
BNi,o)e.B BNi,o)e whatAB BNi,o)e 6own.B BHow ,o(e I'*e ne*e seen yo. &efoeAB BI D.st
stated hee,B she said, )a.!hin!. She was fo( Dana +oint, she to)d (e, a&o.t an ho.
so.th of 7os An!e)es, and she'd ,o(e .p fo the s.((e to (a-e a few &.,-s. BHow o)d
ae yo.AB I as-ed. BI D.st t.ned ei!hteen )ast (onth,B she said. BOn 5ay 18.B BI'( soy I
(issed yo. &ithday,B I said. She s(i)ed that &i!ht s(i)e a!ain. B5e, too,B she said. Afte
&ea-fast, I (ade the two;ho. di*e to 7a-e Aowhead, and I spent the ni!ht .p thee
thin-in! a&o.t (y fai)in! (aia!e, and tyin! not to thin- a&o.t the !o!eo.s yo.n!
waitess who had se*ed (e &ea-fast. ?hen I !ot &a,- fo( the (o.ntains, I went ho(e,
ha*in! eso)*ed a&so).te)y nothin!, and a few ni!hts )ate I went &a,- to The Daisy. Ni,o)e
was thee, and I too- he aside. BI want yo. to -now that I'( (aied, &.t that (y (aia!e
is endin!,B I said. BSo, yo. -nowCI'( sti)) te,hni,a))y a '(aied (an.' I don't -now if that
&othes yo., &.t if it does I'( D.st )ettin! yo. -now that thin!s ae !oin! to ,han!e soon.B
BIs that the t.thAB she as-ed. BIt's the t.th,B I said. 7ate that sa(e ni!ht, I stopped &y he
apat(ent, on ?i)shie 6o.)e*ad, and too- he to a paty. 6y the end of the e*enin!, I
was hoo-ed.
That was in '.ne 1899. Fo the ne/t (onth, I saw he a)(ost e*ey sin!)e day, .nti) it was
ti(e to )ea*e fo foot&a)). I (issed he, and I spo-e to he ,onstant)y. I a)so spo-e to
5a!.eite, of ,o.se, to see how the -ids wee doin!, and to (a-e s.e the pe!nan,y
was !oin! o-ay, &.t I was petty ,onf.sed. I had a wife &a,- ho(e, with a thid -id on the
way, and I was a)eady fa))in! in )o*e with anothe wo(an. I ,a(e ho(e in ti(e fo the
de)i*ey of the &a&y, &.t sp)it a)(ost i((ediate)y afte to eDoin the 6.ffa)o 6i))s, the tea( I
was p)ayin! with &a,- then. ?hen foot&a)) season ended, I et.ned to 7.A. and too- a
oo( at the ?estwood 5a0.is, and I fo.nd (yse)f petty (.,h )i*in! two )i*esCone with
5a!.eite, as an estan!ed h.s&and and fathe of thee, and the othe with Ni,o)e, (y
new )o*e. I spent (ost of (y ti(e with Ni,o)e, of ,o.se, at the hote) o at he )itt)e
apat(ent, and fo( ti (e to ti(eCwhen I was ,a))ed away on &.sinessCshe'd hit the
oad with (e. E*ent.a)y , I (et Ni,o)e's fa(i)yCtwo sistes, Denise and Do(ini0.e, who
wee )i*in! in New 4o- &a,- thenG a thid siste, TanyaG and thei (othe, '.ditha, who
)i*ed in Dana +oint with he h.s&and, 7o.. I didn't (eet 7o. ti)) )ate, &.t that was on)y
&e,a.se the sit.ation ne*e pesented itse)f. He -new a&o.t (e, of ,o.se, and I don't
thin- he had any o&De,tions, and if he did no&ody shaed the( with (e. Ni,o)e a)so (et
(y -ids, &.t I waited an entie yea &efoe I (ade the intod.,tions. I was a )itt)e way, fo
o&*io.s easons, &.t Ni,o)e too- to the( as if they wee he own. They )i-ed he, too.
6efoe )on!, the -ids wo.)dn't !o anywhee with (e .n)ess Ni,o)e was pat of it. I'*e !ot to
te)) yo.: 7ife was petty !ood. I fe)t )i-e the ).,-iest !.y in the wo)d. The fo))owin! yea, I
(o*ed o.t of the ?estwood 5a0.is and into the Ho))ywood Hi))s ho(e of (y o)d fiend
Ro&et :adashian, and I as-ed Ni,o)e to (o*e in with (e. I thin- e*eyone saw .s as the
pefe,t ,o.p)e, in,).din! Ni,o)e, &.t as the (onths t.ned into yeas she &e!an to dop
not;so;s.&t)e hints a&o.t !ettin! (aied. I -ept tyin! to p.t he off, of ,o.se, &e,a.se I'd
fai)ed at (aia!e on,e, and &e,a.se I'd seen p)enty of othe ,o.p)es fai), &.t Ni,o)e -ept
p.shin!. This )ed to a n.(&e of heated a!.(ents, and fo( ti(e to ti(e I was s.e we
wee finished, &.t we s.*i*edC(ost)y &e,a.se Ni,o)e had faith in .s. She &e)ie*ed that
o. e)ationship was spe,ia), and that we ,o.)d &eat the odds, and petty soon she had (e
&e)ie*in! it, too. In 1898, (y di*o,e fo( 5a!.eite &e,a(e fina), and 5a!.eite (o*ed
o.t of the Ro,-in!ha( ho.se. I was (a-in! aan!e(ents to p.t the p)a,e on the (a-et,
&.t Ni,o)e ta)-ed (e o.t of it. BThis is a &ea.tif.) p)a,e,B she said. BA)) it needs is a )itt)e
fi/in! .p.B She wa)-ed (e tho.!h the ho.se, oo( to oo(, te))in! (e what we ,o.)d
,han!e, and how it wo.)d )oo-, and it was o&*io.s that she had an eye fo that -ind of
thin!. She ended .p edesi!nin! and ede,oatin! the who)e p)a,e, top to &otto(, and it
t.ned o.t so we)) that I en,o.a!ed he to &e,o(e a )i,ensed inteio de,oato. ?ithin a
yea, she was wo-in! pofessiona))y.
She was happy. Sot of. The fa,t is, we sti)) ween't (aied, and I ,o.)dn't !o a wee-
witho.t heain! a&o.t it: Didn't I )o*e heA Didn't we ha*e a f.t.eA Co.)dn't we ha*e
,hi)den now, whi)e she was sti)) yo.n! eno.!h to enDoy the(A These )itt)e dis,.ssions
often ended in a!.(ents, and I a&so).te)y deaded the(. Ni,o)e had a ea) te(pe on
he, and I'd seen he !et physi,a) when she was an!y, so so(eti(es I D.st )eft the ho.se
and waited fo the sto( to &)ow o*e. Fina))y, in 18<3, we !ot en!a!ed. ?e had a &i!
paty, and Ni,o)e see(ed *ey happy, &.t it didn't )ast. ?ithin a few wee-s she was
p.shin! (e to set a date fo the weddin!. BI'( tied of &ein! yo. !i)fiend,B she -ept
sayin!. BI want to !et (aied and ha*e ,hi)den. I'*e &een he)pin! yo. aise yo. own -ids
a)) this ti(e, and I )o*e the(, &.t I thin- it'd &e ni,e to ha*e a few of o. own.B The wo(an
had a point, &.t I D.st wasn't eady to ,o((it, and it woe he down. One ni!ht in 18<=, we
wee in the (idd)e of anothe a!.(ent, and I went o.tside to !et away fo( he. Thee
was a tethe &a)) han!in! fo( one of the tees, and a &ase&a)) &at )yin! nea&y, and I
pi,-ed .p the &at and too- a few had swin!s at the &a)). Ni,o)e ,a(e o.t of the ho.se
and wat,hed (e fo a few (o(ents, sti)) an!y, !)ain!, and I ,ossed into the di*eway,
sat on the hood of he ,on*eti&)e 5e,edes, and !)aed i!ht &a,-. I sti)) had the &at in (y
hand, and I e(e(&e f)ippin! it into the ai and a,,identa))y hittin! one of the i(s. B4o.
!oin! to pay fo thatAB she snapped.
B4eah,B I snapped &a,-, then too- the &at and wha,-ed the hood. BAnd I !.ess I')) pay fo
that, too, sin,e it's (y ,aCand sin,e I pay fo e*eythin! ao.nd hee.B She shoo- he
head, dis!.sted with (e, and went into the ho.se, and I wandeed &a,- into the yad and
too- a few (oe swin!s at the tethe &a)). It was ,aFy. It see(ed a)) we did )ate)y was
a!.e. +eop)e say a )ot of (aia!es !et into to.&)e at the se*enyea (a-, and we
ween't (aied, &.t we'd &een to!ethe se*en yeas, and (ay&e that was the po&)e(.
As I was tyin! to (a-e sense of this, a ?este, pato) ,a p.))ed .p to the !ate. Ni,o)e
,a(e o.t of the ho.se to (eet it, and I ea)iFed it wasn't thee &y a,,ident. The !.y !ot
o.t of the pato) ,a and addessed .s fo( &eyond the !ate. B?e fo)-s ha*in! a po&)e(
heeAB BHe D.st hit (y ,a,B Ni,o)e said. She t.ned to )oo- at (e, sti)) !)ain!, he a(s
fo)ded a,oss he ,hest. B4o. want to fi)e a ,o(p)aintAB Ni,o)e was sti)) stain! at (e, &.t I
,o.)d see she was fee)in! a )itt)e foo)ish. B 5a'a(AB She t.ned to fa,e the !.y and
apo)o!iFed fo s.((onin! hi(, and he !ot &a,- into his pato) ,a and )eft. Ni,o)e )oo-ed
at (e a!ain. I s(i)ed and she s(i)ed. A few wee-s )ate, we set a date fo the (aia!e.
?e !ot (aied on Fe&.ay #, 18<2, i!ht thee at the Ro,-in!ha( ho.se. ?e had a
pi*ate ,ee(ony in the )ate aftenoon, with ,)ose fiends and fa(i)y, and fo))owed it .p
with a
se*en;,o.se dinne fo thee h.nded peop)e. ?e had p.t a &i! tent o*e the tennis ,o.t,
and hied a &and, and peop)e dan,ed into the (onin! ho.s. '.st &efoe dawn, we had a
se,ond sitdown (ea), -ind of &ea-fast;the(ed. ?e didn't thin- thee'd &e (oe than a
h.nded peop)e )eft at the paty, &.t (ost e*eyone was ha*in! s.,h a !ood ti(e that they
had ef.sed to !o ho(e. Ni,o)e and I went to &ed )on! afte the s.n ,a(e .p. ?e wee
happy. 5ay&e (aia!e is D.st a pie,e of pape, &.t it ,aies a )ot of wei!ht. A few days
)ate, we f)ew down to 5anFani))a, 5e/i,o, fo o. honey(oon. ?e stayed in a &ea.tif.)
p)a,e ,a))ed 7as Hadas and (ade )o*e thee ti(es a day. That's why we wee thee,
i!htA To !i*e Ni,o)e a fa(i)y of he own. Si/ wee-s afte we !ot &a,- to 7.A., Ni,o)e
fo.nd o.t that she was pe!nant. She was so happy she was !)owin!Cshe )oo-ed )it .p
fo( inside. She ead D.st a&o.t e*ey &oo- e*e witten on pe!nan,y and (othehood,
then went &a,- and eead the ones she )i-ed, .nde)inin! the pats she fo.nd (ost
inteestin!. I don't e(e(&e he &ein! si,- on,e, o e*en fee)in! si,-, and she was ne*e
e*en in a &ad (ood, whi,h was -ind of weid, !i*en a)) the ,)i,hes a&o.t a!in! ho(ones
and st.ff. 6.t I wasn't ,o(p)ainin!. Tho.!ho.t the entie pe!nan,y, the on)y &i! iss.eC
fo he, not fo (eCwas food. She &e,a(e o&sessed a&o.t he wei!ht, and when he
fiends wee ao.nd she was *ey *o,a) a&o.t the s.&De,t. BA wo(an doesn't need to !ain
(oe than twenty;fo. po.nds in the ,o.se of the nine (onths,B she'd say, epeatin! it
tie)ess)y. I !.ess she tho.!ht she was a &i! pe!nan,y e/pet o so(ethin!,
ha*in! ead a)) those &oo-s, &.t thin!s didn't t.n o.t e/a,t)y as she'd p)anned. She
!ained twi,e that, if not (oe, and petty soon de,ided to stop wei!hin! hese)f a)to!ethe.
That was a e)ief, to &e honest. I had no po&)e( with the wei!ht. 5y -id was in thee. I
tho.!ht (y -id dese*ed a ni,e &i! ho(e. On O,to&e 19, we wee in the hospita) fo the
&ith of o. fist ,hi)d, Sydney 6oo-e. Ni,o)e was o*e the (oon. She ,ied when we too-
he ho(e, &.t I !.ess a)) new (othes ,y. I don't -now if it's fo( &ein! happy o fo(
&ein! teifiedG I fi!.e it's po&a&)y a ,o(&ination of the two. Ni,o)e had nothin! to &e
afaid of, tho.!h. Ri!ht fo( the stat, she was a teifi, (othe, and in fa,t she was a )itt)e
too teifi,. She wo.)dn't )et anyone nea Sydney. Not the ho.se-eepe. Not he (othe.
Not e*en (e at ti(es. This was he &a&y, and he &a&y needed he and on)y he, and
nothin! anyone ,o.)d say o do was !oin! to ,han!e he (ind. On)y Ni,o)e -new how to
feed he &a&y. On)y Ni,o)e ,o.)d &athe he. On)y Ni,o)e -new how to swadd)e that )itt)e
!i) and ho)d he D.st i!ht a!ainst he sho.)de. It !ot to &e a pain in the ass, fan-)y. I
,o.)dn't !et he to )ea*e the ho.se. B ?hy don't yo. )et yo. (othe ta-e ,ae of he fo
one ni!htAB I'd say. BShe's &een *o).nteein! fo( the day we !ot &a,- fo( the hospita).B
BNo,B she'd say. BSydney needs (e.B It too- (onths to !et Ni,o)e o.t of the ho.se. ?e
had !one fo( hittin! a)) the &est p)a,es in town and Dettin! ao.nd the wo)d to odein! in
e*ey ni!ht. And the weid pat is, I -ind of
)i-ed it. At fist, anyway. Then I stated !ettin! antsy, and then food &e,a(e an iss.e
a!ain. Ni,o)e was ha*in! a to.!h ti(e )osin! the wei!ht she'd !ained d.in! the
pe!nan,y, and it was (a-in! he ,aFy. She wo.)d !et o.t of the showe, )oo- at hese)f
in the (io, and &.st into teas. BSo don't )oo- in the (io,B I'd say. BThat's not what I
need to heaHB she'd ho))e. B4o. -now whatA I'( soy I said anythin!. 6.t yo.'e the one
that's ha*in! a po&)e( with yo. wei!ht, not (e.B It's f.nny, &e,a.se s.dden)y I'(
e(e(&ein! what Ni,o)e's (othe to)d (e on the *ey day we fist (et: BDon't )et Ni,o)e
!ain wei!ht,B she said. BShe's (isea&)e when she !ains wei!ht.B E*ent.a))y, (ost of the
wei!ht ,a(e off, and she (e))owed o.t. And e*ent.a))y she ea)iFed that Sydney ,o.)d
s.*i*e a ni!ht o two witho.t he, and thin!s s)ow)y !ot &a,- to no(a). No, that's won!
Cthey wee &ette than no(a). 5othehood had ,han!ed Ni,o)e in wondef.) ways. She
was happie than she'd e*e &een, as if she'd fo.nd he p)a,e in the wo)d, and e*ey day
she was (oe in )o*e with Sydney. I thin- she a)so )o*ed (e a )itt)e (oe, too. Afte a)),
we'd ,eated this )itt)e !i) to!ethe. ?e wee &e,o(in! a fa(i)y. On A.!.st %, 18<<, o.
son, '.stin Ryan, ,a(e a)on!. ?hen we too- hi( ho(e, I )oo-ed at (y )itt)e fa(i)yC(y
se,ond fa(i)yCand I fe)t stan!e)y ,o(p)ete. I don't -now how e)se to p.t it. A)) I -now is
that whene*e I )oo-ed at the(CNi,o)e, Sydney and '.stinCI fe)t that I .ndestood what
)ife was a)) a&o.t. I thin- we had petty ,)ose to a stoy&oo- (aia!e. ?e had a few
a!.(ents, s.e, )i-e (ost ,o.p)es, h.t they ne*e !ot o.t of
hand. Afte '.stin was &on, tho.!h, Ni,o)e stated !ettin! physi,a) with (e. She had that
te(pe on he, as I said, and if so(ethin! set he off she tended to ,o(e at (e, fists and
feet f)yin!. 5ost)y I'd D.st ty to !et o.t of he way, &.t so(eti(es I had to ho)d he down
ti)) she !ot hese)f .nde ,onto). So, yeahCwe a!.ed. And we ,o.)d !et p.shy a&o.t it.
And so(eti(es the a!.(ents ended with Ni,o)e in teas. 6.t (oe often than not they
ended in )a.!hte. It was ,aFy: I ,an't ,o.nt the n.(&e of ti(es she'd t.n to (e in the
(idd)e of a fi!ht, pa.sin! to ,at,h he &eath, and say, BO.'., what the he)) wee we
a!.in! a&o.t, anywayAB 4eas )ate, d.in! the tia), the pose,.tion tied to paint a
pi,t.e of (e as a *io)ent, a&.si*e h.s&and. They said they'd fo.nd a safe;deposit &o/
&e)on!in! to Ni,o)e, and that it ,ontained n.(eo.s handwitten a))e!ations of a&.se
datin! &a,- to 1899. In the notes, Ni,o)e epoted)y said a)) sots of .!)y thin!s a&o.t (e:
That I ,onstant)y to)d he she was fatG that when she !ot pe!nant with '.stin I said I didn't
want anothe -idG that I on,e )o,-ed he in o. wine ,)oset d.in! an a!.(ent. I don't
-now what a)) e)se I did, &.t the )ist was end)ess, and a)) of it was fi,tion. And if it's t.e
that those handwitten notes wee fo( Ni,o)e, and that they ea))y wee fo.nd in he safe;
deposit &o/, and that she ea))y was (a-in! those a))e!ations, we))CI sti)) say it was
fi,tion, sti)) (aintain that these in,idents e/isted on)y in Ni,o)e's own (ind. I honest)y ,an't
(a-e any sense of it. I'*e tied, tho.!h. At one point I wondeed if she stated wo-in! on
those notes when the (aia!e &e!an to !o so.th. 5ay&e she tho.!ht she ,o.)d .se
the( a!ainst (e if it e*e ,a(e to di*o,e,
whi,h (a-es (e wonde: ?hy didn't she .se the(A I don't -now what she was thin-in!,
fan-)y, &.t if any of those thin!s happened I wasn't ao.nd when they did. And, yeah, I
-now: It so.nds ,.e) hee, on the pa!e, with Ni,o)e !one and e*eythin!, .na&)e to
defend hese)f, &.t I said I wo.)d te)) the t.th, and that's what I intend to do. Did thin!s !et
*o)ati)e fo( ti(e to ti(eA 4es. Do I e!et itA 4es. I )o*ed Ni,o)e. She was the (othe of
two of (y -ids, and the )ast thin! I wanted was to h.t he. I on)y e*e !ot t.)y physi,a)
with he on,e, and that was in 18<8Cand the who)e wo)d head a&o.t it. 7et (e ta-e yo.
&a,-. It was New 4ea's E*e. Ni,o)e and I wee at a paty ea)y in the e*enin!, at the
ho(e of a pod.,e fiend, han!in! o.t with 5a,.s A))en, one of (y o)d foot&a)) &.ddies,
and his !i)fiend, :athyn. 5a,.s had &o.!ht so(e e/pensi*e eain!s fo :athyn, as a
)itt)e New 4ea's pesent, and I !.ess Ni,o)e !ot a )itt)e Dea)o.s. :athyn ,o.)dn't see what
she was Dea)o.s a&o.t, tho.!h, sin,e Ni,o)e was dippin! in dia(onds of he own, and
she spe))ed it o.t fo he: B ?e)), )oo- what yo. !ot, !i)HB I don't -now what Ni,o)e was
thin-in!, &.t fo so(e eason she !ot it into he head that a pai of eain!sCD.st )i-e
:athyn'sCwee waitin! fo he &a,- at the ho.se. And of ,o.se thee wee no eain!s.
?e !ot ho(e afte the paty, and we wee in &ed, (a-in! )o*e, and s.dden)y Ni,o)e sat
.p and )oo-ed at (e. B4o. ha*e a )itt)e s.pise fo (eAB she said, s(i)in! ,oy)y. B ?hat
s.piseAB BDia(ond eain!s, (ay&eAB
1= O.'. SI5+SON B ?hat eain!sAB I said, !ettin! iitated. B7i-e the ones 5a,.s !ot
:athyn,B she said. B ?hat the he)) ae yo. ta)-in! a&o.tAB B:athyn said yo. &o.!ht a pai
of eain!s D.st )i-e the ones she was weain!. ?hee ae theyA If yo. didn't !et the( fo
(e, who'd yo. !et the( foAB And I said, B4o.'e ,aFyH I didn't !et no&ody no da(n
eain!s. And I'( not a&o.t to, eithe.B I'( s.e that was the won! thin! to say, &.t I was
an!y, and (y an!e set he off. She too- a swin! at (e and I !a&&ed he a( and
)itea))y da!!ed he o.t of &ed and p.))ed he towad the doo. B ?hee ae the !odda(n
eain!sAHB she ho))eed, sti)) ta-in! swin!s at (e. BThee ae no eain!sHB I snapped
&a,-. B7iaH ?ho'd yo. !i*e the eain!s toAHB BI didn't !i*e any !odda(n eain!s to
any&odyHB I said. BThee ae no eain!sH Now !et o.t of hee. I don't want yo. in (y
&edoo(. B
IF I DID IT I
12
of othe &edoo(s in the ho.se. Ni,o)e ,o.)d s)eep a)one if she was !oin! to &e )i-e that.
A (in.te )ate, she was &a,-. T.ned o.t she'd on)y !one to !et the -ey, and thee she
was, ,o(in! at (e a)) o*e a!ain, fists and feet f)yin!. So I !a&&ed he, a!ain, and I thew
he o.t, a!ain, and this ti(e I -ept the -ey. B7et (e in, yo. &astadHB BNoH >o awayHB I went
&a,- to &ed and o))ed on (y side and p.))ed the ,o*es o*e (y head, wondein! if
so(ethin! was won! with (y wife. ?e'd &een to!ethe fo twe)*e yeas, and in (any
ways they'd &een the twe)*e &est yeas of (y )ife, &.t it see(ed )i-e (ost of 18<8 had
&een tot.e. 4o. ne*e -new what was !oin! to piss he off, and when she was pissed off
she ,o.)d ho)d onto he an!e fo days. I wondeed how )on! she was !oin! to stay an!y
this ti(e. She -ept po.ndin! on the doo, sweain! and ,a))in! (e na(es, and I woied
that she wo.)d wa-e the -ids, &.t e*ent.a))y the fi!ht went o.t of he and she sto(ed off.
I don't -now how (.,h ti(e passed, &e,a.se I doFed off, &.t s.dden)y she was at the
doo a!ain. On)y it wasn't he. It was the ho.se-eepe, 5i,he)e. B5. Si(pson,B she said,
tyin! to (a-e hese)f head tho.!h the doo. B4o. ha*e to ,o(e o.tside. The po)i,e ae
hee.B The po)i,eA ?hat the he))A I p.))ed on a pai of pants and went downstais and o.t
the font doo and fo.nd Ni,o)e sittin! in a pato) ,a that was pa-ed i)) font of the ho.se.
B?hat's !oin! onAB I as-ed.
I p.shed he into the ,oido and )o,-ed he o.t, then went &a,- to &ed, sti)) f.(in!. I
didn't -now what the he)) was !oin! on with Ni,o)e. She was &e,o(in! in,easin!)y
eati,. 5ost of the ti(e she was a )o*in! wife and a pefe,t (othe, &.t it see(ed )i-e
)ate)y any )itt)e thin! ,o.)d set he off. To &e honest, it woied (e. Thee we wee, two in
the !odda(n (onin!, and she was standin! o.t in the ,oido, &an!in! on the doo,
ho))ein!. It was as if she had t.ned into a who)e diffeent peson. Fina))y, she !a*e .p,
and I ,o.)d hea he (o*in! off. Thee wee p)enty
1% O.'
. SI5+SON
IF I DID IT
19
I saw Ni,o)e tyin! to !et o.t of the ,a, and I ,o.)d hea the ,ops te))in! he to sit sti)).
5i,he)e was standin! i!ht &ehind (e, and she saw it, too. BCo(e on, 5iss Ni,o)e,B she
,a))ed o.t. BE*eythin!'s !oin! to &e a)) i!ht. Co(e &a,- inside.B S.dden)y Ni,o)e was
,yin!. B5y &a&y's in the ho.se,B she said. BI want (y &a&y &a,-.B B?e)) ,o(e on,B I said. B
?hat's -eepin! yo.AB 5i,he)e tied, too. B+)ease ,o(e in the ho.se, 5iss Ni,o)e,B she
said. BE*eythin!'s fine now.B One of the ,ops t.ned to )oo- at 5i,he)e, s,ow)in!. B?hy
don't yo. (ind yo. own &.siness,B he said. BHey,B I snapped. B4o. !ot no i!ht to ta)- to
(y ho.se-eepe that wayHB BShe sho.)d (ind he own &.siness,B he said. I ,o.)dn't
&e)ie*e the !.y. He was pa-ed in font of (y popety, ta)-in! shit to (y ho.se-eepe,
and te))in! (e how to .n (y pesona) affais. B5an, yo. don't ha*e a i!ht to ta)- to eithe
of .s that way,B I said. I was seio.s)y pissed &y this ti(e, and I was seio.s)y tied, and I
didn't want to do anythin! st.pid, so I t.ned to 5i,he)e and )ed he &a,- into the ho.se. I
fi!.ed Ni,o)e wo.)d ,o(e &a,- when she was !ood and eady. 6.t Ni,o)e didn't ,o(e
&a,- fo se*ea) ho.s. She went down to the pe,in,t with the ,ops and they too- a
state(ent fo( he and had he pose fo pi,t.es. It was thee in the (onin! &y then. She
was d.n-, she'd &een ,yin!, and she was .nde f).oes,ent )i!hts witho.t any (a-e.p.
As- (e how had she )oo-ed.
Then they too- he to the hospita) and the do,tos !a*e he the on,e;o*e. In thei epot,
whi,h I on)y ead (.,h )ate, they noted that thee wee &.ises on he fa,e and a(s.
That was a&o.t it. I ,o.)d ha*e to)d the( a&o.t the &.ises. The ones on he a(sCI p.t
the( thee. He fa,eA I didn't hit he, &.t it's possi&)e she h.t hese)f whi)e we wee
s,.ff)in!. 4eas )ate, d.in! the (.de tia), I fo.nd o.t that one of the offi,es who
esponded that ni!ht was 'ohn Edwads. He testified that Ni,o)e had &.ises on he
foehead, ,.ts on he nose and ,hee-, and a hand;pint on he ne,-. I don't e(e(&e
any of that, and if it was thee I didn't see it. Edwads 0.oted Ni,o)e as sayin!, B4o. !.ys
,o(e o.t hee, yo. ta)- to hi(, yo. )ea*e. 4o.'*e &een o.t hee ei!ht ti (es, I want hi(
aested, and I want (y -ids &a,-.B Ei!ht ti(esA ?hat the he)) was she ta)-in! a&o.tA And
what was that a&o.t wantin! he -ids &a,-A 6a,- fo( whatA Fo( wheeA A)) I head
was, B5y &a&y's in the ho.se. I want (y &a&y &a,-.B I wasn't stoppin! he. Fo( whee I
was standin!, the on)y thin! -eepin! he fo( !ettin! o.t of the pato) ,a and (a,hin!
&a,- into the ho.se wee the da(n ,ops. Edwads a)so said I s,ea(ed at Ni,o)e: BI !ot
two othe wo(enH I don't want that wo(an in (y &ed any(oeHB I don't e(e(&e sayin!
anythin! a&o.t not wantin! Ni,o)e in (y &ed any(oe, &.t at that (o(ent it was s.e as
he)) t.e. I didn't want he anywhee nea (e. The pat a&o.t the Btwo othe wo(en,B
tho.!hCEdwads !ot that ,o(p)ete)y won!. I was ta)-in! a&o.t the two wo(en in the
ho.seCthe nanny and the ho.se-eepe
1< I O.'. SI5+SON &e,a.se Ni,o)e see(ed to &e ,on,ened a&o.t the &a&y, and I was
D.st )ettin! he -now that the &a&y was in !ood hands. I !.ess she !ot the (essa!e,
&e,a.se she sp)it and didn't ,o(e ho(e ti)) D.st &efoe day&ea-. ?hen she wa)-ed
tho.!h the font doo, I )oo-ed at he and fe)t )o.sy. BI ne*e (eant to h.t yo.,B I said. BI
D.st wanted yo. o.t of the &edoo(.B BI ha*e a heada,he,B she said. B4o. want (e to ta-e
yo. to the hospita)AB BNo. It's po&a&)y D.st a han!o*e.B B5ay&e it's a ,on,.ssion,B I said.
BI don't (ind ta-in! yo..B B'.st )ea*e (e a)one,B she said. BI'( si,- of this.B I was si,- of it
too, fan-)y. I went off and spent what was )eft of the ni!ht at a fiend's ho.se, and in the
aftenoon I went to the Rose 6ow) and tied to p.t the &ad fee)in!s &ehind (e. ?hen I !ot
ho(e that e*enin!, )on! afte the Rose 6ow) ended, Ni,o)e was thee with the -ids, and
neithe of .s said a wod a&o.t the in,ident. ?e -ind of wa)-ed ao.nd ea,h othe, not
sayin! (.,h of anythin!, ea))y, and I ass.(ed that )ife at Ro,-in!ha( wo.)d e*ent.a))y
!et &a,- to no(a). The ne/t day, o the day afte thatCI ,an't e,a)) e/a,t)yCa dete,ti*e
,a(e &y to fo))ow .p with a few 0.estions, and I wa)-ed the !.y tho.!h it. I said I'd &een
din-in!Cthat we'd &oth &een din-in!Cand ad(itted that I'd &e,o(e a )itt)e &it too
physi,a). BI sho.)d ha*e e/e,ised (oe se)f;,onto),B I said. BIt's one of those thin!s that
happen in a)) e)ationships,B he said, and I a!eed with hi(. ?e'd &een patyin! a )itt)e too
had. It was )ate. ?e ween 't thin-in! ,)ea)y. I)ia hey, no&ody !ot h.t. 4ada yada yada .
IF I DID IT I
18
As fo Ni,o)e, I !.ess she to)d the ,ops he own *esion of the sa(e stoy, down to that
(is.ndestandin! a&o.t the non;e/istent dia(ond eain!s. I don't -now if she to)d the(
that she too- a few swin!s at (e, and that she ,a(e &a,- fo (oe afte I )o,-ed he o.t,
&.t she ,etain)y to)d he (othe, who went on nationa) te)e*ision and ,onfi(ed it. Sti)), at
that point none of it see(ed e)e*ant. I had a)eady apo)o!iFed, pof.se)y, and had e*en
!one one &ette. BIf I'( e*e physi,a) )i-e that with yo. a!ain, I wi)) tea .p the pe;n.ptia)
a!ee(ent,B I to)d Ni,o)e. I wanted he to -now how seio.s I was a&o.t (a-in! thin!s
i!ht. It didn't (atte to (e that she had initiated the fi!ht &e,a.se (y esponse was
won!, and that's what ,o.ntedC(y esponse. BThan- yo.,B she said. BI (ean it,B I said. BI
-now,B she said. So, yeahCas fa as I was ,on,ened, it was o*e. 6.t it wasn't o*e.
(onth )ate, D.st as we wee !ettin! eady to f)y to Hawaii, whee had &.siness with HetF,
I wo-e .p and ead a&o.t the who)e .!)y in,ident on the font pa!e of the Hea)d
E/a(ine. It was s.ea). I tho.!ht we'd (o*ed on )on! a!o, then &a(HCthee it was fo
the who)e wo)d to see. The stoy ,a(e as a ,o(p)ete s.pise to Ni,o)e, too. She had no
idea that the ,ops wee !oin! to .se he state(ent, and those in,i(inatin! photo!aphs,
to ,ha!e (e with do(esti, a&.se. In the days ahead, e*eythin! &e,a(e a )itt)e ,)eae. I
fo.nd o.t that it's 0.ite ,o((on fo a wo(an to ,ha!e he h.s&and o &oyfiend with
a&.se, on)y to ,a)) the po)i,e the ne/t dad and as-
the( to dop the ,ha!es. I !.ess they'e afaid of what those !.ys wi)) do to the( when
it's a)) o*e, so they find a)) sots of easons to ,han!e thei stoies: It was a
(is.ndestandin!, offi,e. Deep down I ea))y )o*e hi(. I don't want to h.t the -ids. Now
that I thin- a&o.t it, the who)e thin! was (y fa.)t. 5any wo(en -ept !ettin! *i,ti(iFed as
a es.)t, epeated)y, so(eti(es with dead)y es.)ts, and the ,ops wee tyin! to fi!.e o.t
how to dea) with the po&)e(. In fa,t, they wee atte(ptin! to p.t a new )aw on the &oo-s
that wo.)d !i*e the( the powe to (a-e the ,ha!es sti,-, e*en if the ,o(p)aint was
withdawn. And I !.ess what happened was, so(eone at the 7.A.+.D. de,ided that I
wo.)d (a-e the pefe,t poste &oy fo spo.sa) a&.seCa pefe,t, hi!h;pofi)e )a.n,h fo
thei ,a(pai!n. Thee was one !)it,h, howe*e, and it was a &i! one. 6a,- in those days,
offi,es ,o.)d on)y (a-e an aest if it was waanted &y the sit.ation, o if the pepetato
had a histoy of a&.se. O. sit.ation hadn't waanted itCno one was !ettin! &eat .pC
and I didn't ha*e a histoy of a&.se. Sti)), D.st in ,ase anythin! had s)ipped tho.!h the
,a,-s, the in*esti!atin! offi,e sent a (e(o to *aio.s nei!h&ohood pe,in,ts, as-in! if
any offi,e had e*e esponded to a do(esti, dist.&an,e at (y ho(e. ?e)), wo.)dn't yo.
-now itC they !ot ).,-y. The ?este, se,.ity !.ad who had stopped &y d.in! o. one
pe*io.s a)te,ation, in 18<=, had sin,e &e,o(e a (e(&e of the 7A+D, and &oth he and
one of his fe))ow offi,es, 5a- F.h(an, esponded to the (e(o. In his esponse,
F.h(an a,t.a))y ,)ai(ed that he'd &een at (y ho.se that ni!ht, with the !.y fo(
?este,, and that he'd ta)-ed w &oth (e and Ni,o)e. If
F.h(an was thee, and if he a,t.a))y ta)-ed to eithe of .s, I s.e as he)) don't e(e(&e
it. 6.t that didn't (atte. The 7A+D had &een )oo-in! fo a pio in,ident, and they'd D.st
fo.nd it. In the end, I was ,on*i,ted of spo.sa) a&.se. I was p.t on po&ation, !i*en a few
h.nded ho.s of ,o((.nity se*i,e, and odeed to pay a (odest fine. I wasn't happy
a&o.t it, &.t I didn't thin- the ,ha!es wee woth fi!htin!, and I e!et it to this day. If yo.
don't fi!ht the ,ha!es, they sti,-. And these st.,-. S.dden)y, I was a ,on*i,ted wife;
&eate. Did I physi,a))y da! Ni,o)e o.t of the &edoo( and p.sh he o.t into the ha))wayA
4es. Did I &eat heA No. I ne*e on,e aised (y hand to heCne*e on,eCand if Ni,o)e
wee a)i*e today she'd te)) yo. the sa(e thin!. In fa,t, i!ht afte the newspape stoy
&o-e, when she ta)-ed to he (othe a&o.t it, she too- esponsi&i)ity fo the who)e .!)y
in,ident. And e*en d.in! the di*o,e po,eedin!s yeas )ate, when she had !ood eason
to want to )ie a&o.t (y a))e!ed *io)ent nat.e, Ni,o)e ef.sed to p)ay that !a(e. She to)d
he )a s that the in,ident had &een &)own ,o(p)ete)y o.t of popotionCand that she'd
insti!ated the *io)en,e, not (e. 5.,h )ate, (onths afte the (.des, I spo-e a&o.t the
in,ident with D. 6enad 4.dowitF, a foensi, psy,hiatist. I e(e(&e ,yin! as I to)d hi(
a&o.t !oin! .p to San Fan,is,o in 18<% to see (y fathe, who was in the hospita) at the
ti(e, idd)ed with ,an,e. He was tied and wea-, &.t in !ood spiits, and we ,hatted fo a
whi)e, then I too- a (o(ent to step o.t into the ,oido to ,a)) Ni,o)e, &a,- in 7.A. ?hen I
et.ned to the oo(, (y fathe was dead. BI don't .ndestand why >od !a*e (e ten
(in.tes with
(y fathe,B I to)d D. 4.dowitF, B&.t not e*en one se,ond with Ni,o)e.B I wi)) ad(it to yo.,
as I ad(itted to hi(, that so(e of (y a!.(ents with Ni,o)e did indeed deteioate into
sho.tin! (at,hes, and that we tended to !et in ea,h othe's fa,es. 6.t (ost of the ti(e
we eso)*ed o. diffeen,es pea,ef.))y, witho.t !ettin! physi,a). Ni,o)e and I wee
to!ethe fo se*enteen yeas, and we had o. shae of ,onf)i,t, &.t &y and )a!e we wee
a)ways a&)e to wo- o.t o. diffeen,es. D.in! the tia), when D. 4.dowitF too- the stand
Con (y &eha)f, ad(itted)yChe said what e*eyone e/pe,ted hi( to say: That I did not fit
the pofi)e of a -i))e. In the days ahead, as e/pe,ted, the newspapes totted o.t thei own
e/pets. They said that fo. o.t of fi*e (.des wee spontaneo.s, a es.)t of
,i,.(stan,e (oe than intent, and that pehaps that had &een the sit.ation in (y ,ase. I
a)so ead a&o.t so;,a))ed Batypi,a)B (.dees: The 0.iet &oy ne/t doo, say, o the (o.sy
)itt)e pea,he's wifeC(en and wo(en who see(ed in,apa&)e of (.de, &.t who wee
di*en to *io)en,e &y a !i*en sit.ation. So(e e/pets i((ediate)y ,ate!oiFed (e as
atypi,a): I see(ed )i-e a ni,e !.y, and it was definite)y o.t of ,haa,te fo (e to ha*e
,o((itted the ,i(e, &.t I ,o.)d ha*e done it D.st the sa(e. That didn't sti-e (e as
pati,.)a)y insi!htf.). >i*en the i!ht ,i,.(stan,es, I !.ess anyone is ,apa&)e of (.de.
6.t I'( !ettin! ahead of (yse)f .. . ?hen I thin- &a,- on (y (aia!e to Ni,o)e, I !.ess I'd
ha*e to sad that 18<8 was the &i! t.nin! pointC&.t (ost)y fo he. 5,A I was the
o&)i*io.s h.s&and. Fo one thin!, I !ot &.sy . A -w
wee-s afte the in,ident, I had to !o to Hawaii, fo HetF, and (y &.siness with the( -ept
(e o,,.pied fo the ne/t few (onths. Then in the fa)), I had NF7 7i*e to do, with 6o&
Costas, and on,e a!ainC)i-e )ots of !.ysCI )ost (yse)f in (y wo-. I wasn't e*en thin-in!
a&o.t the in,ident, to &e honest. I was (o*in! fowad, )ea*in! it &ehind (e, and in (y
(ind that was a !ood thin!. I tho.!ht we sho.)d p.t the past &ehind .s. Coo) off. Stat
fesh. And I fi!.ed Ni,o)e po&a&)y fe)t the sa(e way. She see(ed a )itt)e e(o*ed at
ti(es, to &e honest, &.t othewise I tho.!ht thin!s wee fine. I didn't ea)iFe ti)) (.,h )ate
that she was ha*in! an affai, &.t that's anothe stoy, and I was ,o(p)ete)y o&)i*io.s
a&o.t that, too. 5ay&e it was se)f;de).sionCwho -nowsA A)) I -now is that I tho.!ht thin!s
wee so)id, and that I fe)t we ,o.)d !et tho.!h anythin!. +).s I didn't want the (aia!e to
fai). ?e had two -ids to aise, and we wee at that point in o. (aia!e whee the -ids
had to ,o(e fist. That's D.st the way it was. It wasn't that I didn't )o*e Ni,o)e, o that I he
)ess, &.t that I )o*ed he in a diffeent way. 4o. )ose so(e of the passion, s.e, and yo.
)ose so(e of the ,)oseness. And so(eti(es yo.'e D.st tyin! to stay o.t of ea,h othe's
way. 6.t so whatA The ,ente of !a*ity shifts. 4o. fo,.s on the -ids. 4o. sett)e down.
4o. (e))ow o.t. And that's what I was doin!, o tyin! to do. And it was wo-in! !eatCo
so I tho.!ht. I e(e(&e &ein! in New 4o- in De,e(&e 1881, han!in! o.t with Ni,o)e,
doin! a )itt)e Chist(as shoppin! and st.ff, and thin-in! how happy she see(ed. She
e*en )oo-ed teifi,. She had &een st.!!)in! to !et &a,- into fi!htin! shape e*e sin,e the
-ids had ,o(e a)on!, and
,o(p)ainin! a&o.t it e*ey ti(e she ,a.!ht si!ht of hese)f in the (io, &.t afte (onths
of had wo- she was in the &est shape of he )ife. I was a(aFed, and I to)d he so, and I
e(e(&e thin-in! how !)ad I was that we'd weatheed the post;18<8 sto(. I was po.d
of (yse)f fo (a-in! it tho.!h the o.!h pats of the (aia!e, and e0.a))y po.d of he,
and I was fee)in! !en.ine)y opti(isti, a&o.t the f.t.e. A (onth )ate, in 'an.ay 188#, I
was in New 4o- fo the p)ayoff !a(es, and f)ew ho(e fo a )on! wee-end. The *ey fist
day I was &a,-, Ni,o)e and I went to ).n,h at +eppone's, i!ht thee in 6entwood, and
a&o.t thity se,onds afte we sat down she )et (e ha*e it: BI thin- we sho.)d sepaate,B
she said. I was f)ooed. I was tied and Det;)a!!ed and I honest)y wasn't e*en s.e I'd e*en
head he i!ht, &.t she epeated it, sayin! she didn't .ndestand why I )oo-ed so
s.pised. ?e'd &een ha*in! po&)e(s fo a )on! ti(e, she said, and we sho.)d &oth )oo-
at it as an oppot.nity to wo- on o.se)*es and thin- a&o.t the po&)e(s, yada yada
yada. BI want to ty )i*in! apat fo a (onth,B she added. B6.t I don't want to !et the
)awyes in*o)*ed.B Then she s.!!ested that that I (o*e o.t of the Ro,-in!ha( ho.se, to
(a-e the sepaation )ess dis.pti*e fo the -ids, and I -new i!ht off that I had to stop this
thin! &efoe it !ot any ,aFie. BI don't -now what yo. thin- yo.'e !oin! to a,,o(p)ish &y
.s )i*in! apat fo a (onth,B I said. BI'( had)y hee as it is, ta*e)in! a)) the ti(e. If yo.
want to wo- on yo.se)f, yo.'*e !ot p)enty of ti(e to do it. And if yo. thin- I need to wo-
on (yse)f, (ay&e yo. ,an te II (e what needs fi/in!.B
BNo,B she said. BThat's not it at a)).B BThen what is itAB I said. BI'( ,onf.sed. Is thee
so(eone e)seAB BNoC>odH How ,an yo. e*en thin- s.,h a thin!AB BI don't -now,B I said.
BI'( tyin! to fi!.e o.t how it ,a(e to this. I -now we don't ha*e a pefe,t (aia!e, &.t
who doesA And I tho.!ht we wee doin! petty we)).B At that point she &e!an to ta)- a&o.t
the fa,t that she had spent he entie ad.)t )ife with (eCfifteen yeasCand that she fe)t as
if she was )i*in! in (y shadow. BA)) of o. fiends ae yo. fiends,B she said. BE*eythin!
we do is st.ff yo. want to do. O. )ife to!ethe is &asi,a))y a&o.t yo..B I tied to defend
(yse)f, sayin! that I was a)ways )istened to he, and that I had ne*e stopped he fo(
p.s.in! he own inteests and he own fiendships, &.t she wasn't ea))y payin! attention.
BI want to &e ao.nd peop)e who )i-e (e fo (e, not &e,a.se I'( O.'. Si(pson's wife,B she
said. I tho.!ht that was &.))shit, too, and I to)d he so, &.t she was ada(ant: she wanted
to ta-e a &ea- fo( the (aia!e. BFine,B I said, tyin! to -eep e(otion o.t of it. BIf yo.
want a &ea-, I')) !i*e yo. a &ea-. 6.t thee's no way in he)) we'e doin! this witho.t
)awyes.B ?e needed the )awyes so that we'd &e a&so).te)y ,)ea on what was !oin! on, I
e/p)ained. She wanted o.t, not (e, fo easons I ,o.)dn't ea))y .ndestand. And the
Ro,-in!ha( ho.se pe;dated o. e)ationship. It was (y ho.se, a fa,t that was ,)ea)y
spe))ed o.t in the pe;n.ptia) a!ee(ent. That ho.se he)d a )ot of histoy fo (e, in,).din!
the downin! death (y infant da.!hte, Aaen;;t he )itt)e !i) I had with 5a!.eite
d.in! the o,-y tai);end of o. (aia!eCand I wasn't !oin! to )et anyone te)) (e to (o*e
o.t. At the end of that (onth, with the )awyes a)eady had at wo-, Ni,o)e (o*ed into a
ented ho.se on >etna >een ?ay, not ei!ht (in.tes fo( (y p)a,e, andC!i*en (y
he,ti, ta*e) s,hed.)eCtoo- physi,a) ,.stody of the -ids. I was in a state of (i)d sho,- fo
se*ea) wee-s, to &e honest, .na&)e to !et (y (ind ao.nd what had happened, and how
it had ,o(e to this. He (othe was in sho,-, too, as wee (ost of he fiends. None of
the( see(ed to thin- that o. po&)e(s wee a)) that si!nifi,ant, tho.!h of ,o.se one
ne*e ea))y -nows what !oes on &ehind ,)osed doos. The on)y peson who had seen it
,o(in! was he &est fiend, Coa Fish(an, &e,a.se Coa had -nown a&o.t the affaiC
the one Ni,o)e denied ha*in!. It wasn't anyone she was seio.s a&o.t, I )eaned (.,h
)ate, &.t it had happened, and when shit )i-e that happens yo. -now that deep down
so(ethin! is *ey won!. It's stan!e, tho.!h, &e,a.se yeas )ate, in a )ette she wote
(e when she was tyin! to e,on,i)e, she sti)) said nothin! a&o.t the affai. Instead, she
ta)-ed a&o.t the 18<8 in,ident, and how that had &een the &i! t.nin! point in o.
e)ationshipCfo he, anywayCwhi,h was -ind of off odd &e,a.se she was no )on!e
&)a(in! (e fo what had happened. She said she was &e!innin! to ea)iFe that she had
,onti&.ted as (.,h to o. po&)e(s as I had, if not (oe, and that )oo-in! &a,- on it she
fe)t that I'd &een i!ht fo( the statCthat we did ha*e a petty !ood )ife to!ethe. It was
the fist ti(e she had ta-en esponsi&i)ity fo he a,tions, and it was a !ood thin!, &.t
.nfot.nate)y it ,a(e too )ate. ?hen I ead that )ette, it a&o.t &o-e (y heat. A)) a)on! I
tho.!ht we wee !oin! to (a-e it, and I !.ess I ne*e ea))y .ndestood the depth of he
.nhappinessC)et a)one the easons fo it. So we stated o. new )ife, in sepaate ho(es
&.t sti)) ,o((itted to (a-in! it wo-C)i-e so (any othe ,o.p)es. I was opti(isti,, to &e
honest. I had &een tho.!h this &efoe, with 5a!.eite, twi,e, and we'd (ana!ed to
s.*i*e the fist sepaation, so in (y heat it wasn't o*e. ?e'e D.st sepaatin!, I to)d
(yse)f. ?e'e tyin! to !et &a,- to!ethe. And this ti(e I'( dete(ined to (a-e it wo-.
Sti)), it wasn't easy. I didn't enDoy wat,hin! Ni,o)e sett)e into a new p)a,e with the two -ids,
wat,hin! he (o*e fowad witho.t (e. She e*en fo.nd a !.y to he)p o.t with &a&ysittin!
and .nnin! eands and st.ff, so(eone she'd (et s-iin! in Aspen, and she )et hi( (o*e
into the !.est ho.se, ent fee, instead of payin! hi( a sa)ay. His na(e, as yo. (ay
e,a)), was :ato :ae)in. ?hen that fist Ea)entine's Day o))ed ao.nd, )ess than thee
wee-s into the sepaation, I was in 5e/i,o fo a ,e)e&ity !o)f to.na(ent, &.t I sent Ni,o)e
so(e ni,e f)owes and a note, and she was *ey appe,iati*e. I to)d he I wasn't !i*in! .p
on .s, and I didn't. I was sti)) ta*e)in! a !eat dea), (ost)y to New 4o-, &.t whene*e I
was in town I'd ta-e he o.t, so(eti(es a)one, and so(eti(es with the -ids. Fo( ti(e to
ti(e we e*en ended .p in &ed to!ethe. On o,,asion, she ,ied afte we (ade )o*e. I don't
-now if she was ,yin! fo( &ein! happy o .nhappy, to &e honest, and I don't thin-
she did, eithe, &.t I -ept hopin! it was &e,a.se she )o*ed (e, and &e,a.se in he heat
she -new that we &e)on!ed to!ethe. Sti)), I wanted to !i*e Ni,o)e he feedo(Cthe
feedo( she tho.!ht she wantedCso I didn't !et p.shy a&o.t wooin! he &a,-. It was
petty weid, tho.!h. Ea)y on, fo e/a(p)e, she went on a ,o.p)e of dates, and she was a
)itt)e woied a&o.t poto,o) &e,a.se she hadn't ea))y dated anyone sin,e she was a
teena!e. B4o. thin- the !.y's D.st tyin! to !et into (y pantsAB she as-ed (e at one
point. BHoney, what do yo. e/pe,tAB I said B4o.'e !o!eo.s, yo.'e s(at, yo.'*e !ot yo.
own (oney, and yo. don't want (oe -ids. Fo (ost !.ys, that's an .n&eata&)e
,o(&ination.B BSo sho.)d I !o o.t with hi(AB B4eah. If yo. )i-e hi(. ?hy notAB B6.t how do
I -now if he )i-es (e fo (e,B she said, Band not fo so(ethin! e)se.B B?hatA 4o. thin- he
)i-es yo. fo yo. ,aAB BI'( seio.s, O.'. This is a)) new to (e.B She so.nded )i-e a
teena!e, &.t it st.,- (e that in datin! te(s she ea))y was a teena!e. BNi,o)e, stop
woyin! so (.,h,B I said. B4o.'e a !eat !i). '.st &e yo.se)f and ha*e f.n.B I was sittin!
thee, on the phone, tyin! to &.i)d .p he se)f;estee(, and when I !ot off the phone a)) I
,o.)d thin- was, 5an, that's (y wifeH That was &iFaeH If thee is one !ood thin! I ,an say
a&o.t the sepaation, it's this: ?e ne*e fo.!ht a&o.t anythin!. In fa,t, d.in! that entie
peiod we on)y had one a!.(ent, and it was &e,a.se so(e of he
fiends wee a,-in! .p ,ha!es on (y a,,o.nt at the !o)f ,).& in 7a!.na. 5y assistant,
Cathy Randa, spotted the ,ha!es and &o.!ht the( to (y attention, and I i((ediate)y
,a))ed Ni,o)e. B ?ho the he)) do these peop)e thin- they ae, eatin! and din-in! at (y
e/pense, and why the he)) ae yo. a))owin! itAB Ni,o)e apo)o!iFed, po(ised she'd ta-e
,ae of it, and that was the end of that. Aftewad, we wee fiend)y a!ainC(ay&e too
fiend)y. Ni,o)e !ot into the ha&it of ,a))in! (e two o thee ti(es a day, to ,hat, often
a&o.t so(e of the !.ys she was datin!. I tho.!ht that was a )itt)e stan!eCI fe)t she was
teatin! (e a)(ost )i-e a !i)fiend o so(ethin!C&.t I didn't (ind. I ea)iFed that, if
nothin! e)se, I was po&a&)y he ,)osest fiend, a fiend she ,o.)d ta)- to a&o.t anythin!,
and it !a*e (e hope. She a)ways &e!an &y ta)-in! a&o.t the -idsCthat was the e/,.se,
anywayCand within a (in.te o two the ,on*esation shifted to stoies a&o.t the (en in
he )ife. This one !.y was a ,o(p)ete s,h(.,-, this othe !.y see(ed so ni,e at fist &.t
had t.ned into a ea) ,eep, and so on and so foth. I wo.)d thin-, ?hy ae yo. wastin!
yo. ti(e with the(A 4o. ,o.)d sti)) &e )i*in! with (eH 6.t I didn't say it. I didn't want to
p.sh he. I wanted he to -now I was thee witho.t p.ttin! any pess.e on he. Then
ea)y in 5ay, whi)e I was &a,- in town fo a few days, I was o.t at a ,).& with a !o.p of
fiends and an into Ni,o)e and a ,o.p)e of he !i)fiends. I e(e(&e thin-in! it was -ind
of odd to see he thee: ?e had &een )i*in! apat fo (oe than thee (onths, and this
was the fist ti(e I'd .n into he in p.&)i,. One of he !i)fiends (ade a )itt)e Do-e a&o.t
the sit.ation: BO.' ., ae yo.
sta)-in! yo. estan!ed wifeAB And I s(i)ed and said, B4eah, (e and (y who)e posse.B
?e e/,han!ed a few (oe wods, e*eythin! wa( and fiend)y, then went off to enDoy the
,).& with o. espe,ti*e fiends. 7ate in the e*enin!, (y ento.a!e and I too- off fo
anothe ,).&, and I !.ess Ni,o)e was !one &y then, &e,a.se I didn't see he. A&o.t an
ho. )ate, when I )eft the se,ond ,).&, a)one, I fo.nd (yse)f thin-in! a&o.t he, and
(issin! he a )itt)e. And on the di*e ho(e I de,ided to stop &y he ho.se, the one on
>etna >een, to see if she was sti)) awa-e. I pa-ed on the steet and appoa,hed the
font doo, and as I dew ,)ose I noti,ed )i!hts in the window and went to ha*e a ,)ose
)oo-. Ni,o)e was inside, on the ,o.,h, with a fiend of hes, :eith I)o(sowit,h, one of the
patnes at 5eFFa).na, a 6entwood esta.ant. It was petty hot and hea*y. I too- a deep
&eath and t.ned to !o, &.t pa.sed to -no,- on the font dooCI apped on it twi,e, had
CD.st to )et the( -now that they'd &een seen. I went ho(e and !ot into &ed, a)one, and I
(.st te)) yo.CI was petty stea(ed. I thin- (ay&e it was D.st &e!innin! to dawn on (e
that the (aia!e was o*e, and I wasn't ea) happy a&o.t it. The ne/t (onin!, I went off
to p)ay !o)f, and I fo!ot a)) (y woes, &.t on (y way ho(e I ,a))ed he and to)d he that we
needed to ta)-. I stopped &y the ho.se and she in*ited (e in, and i!ht away I )et he -now
that it was (e who'd apped on he font doo the pe*io.s ni!ht. B?hat yo. do is yo.
&.siness, &.t the -ids wee in the ho.se,B I said. BI don't thin- it wo.)d &e too ,oo) fo the(
to wa)- in on that shit.B
Ni,o)e was *ey apo)o!eti,. She said that she'd &een din-in!, and that she had ne*e
(eant fo anythin! to happen with :eith, and that nothin! )i-e it had e*e happened
&efoe. I didn't -now what to say, so I e(inded he of o. )itt)e a!ee(ent. B?e &oth
de,ided that if we wee !oin! to !et in*o)*ed with so(e&ody e)se we wo.)d te)) ea,h
othe. Fo( whee I was standin!, that )oo-ed petty in*o)*ed.B BNo,B she said. BHe's D.st a
fiend. It's ne*e &een )i-e that with hi( and that wasn't s.pposed to happen.B B ?e)), it
happened,B I said. BAnd &efoe it happens a!ain, at )east thin- a&o.t the -ids.B I )eft,
fee)in! )o.sy. In (y opinion, shit )i-e that doesn't happen .n)ess yo. )et it happen. 4o.
a)ways hea stoies a&o.t !.ys ,yin! to thei wi*es a&o.t so(e wo(an they s,ewed
whi)e they wee away on a &.siness tip o so(ethin!, and how it didn't (ean anythin!C
at they'd &een din-in! and they wee D.st (issin! the( and that it D.st sot of happened.
?e)), that's &.))shit. 4o.'*e !ot to &e in a p)a,e in yo. e)ationship fo so(ethin! )i-e that
to happen, and I was &e!innin! to see that Ni,o)e was a)eady in that p)a,e. As fo (e, I
wasn't thee yet. I was sti)) a,tin! )i-e a (aied (an. And !.ess whatA I hadn't &een )aid
in (onths. A ,o.p)e of wee-s )ate, )ate that 5ay, (y s.spi,ions wee ,onfi(ed. Ni,o)e
went down to Ca&o San 7.,as with so(e fiends of o.s, in,).din! 6.,e and Chystie
'enne, and one of the( ,a))ed to )et (e -now that she'd (et a !.y thee. I fe)t )i-e I'd
&een -i,-ed in the n.ts, &.t I hand)ed it. I )ife thows so(e shit at yo.,
and yo. dea) with it. I went in and )oo-ed in on (y -ids. They wee &oth fast as)eep. They
)oo-ed )i-e an!e)s. A ,o.p)e of days afte that, with 5othe's Day )oo(in!, Ni,o)e ,a))ed
and to)d (e she was f)yin! &a,- fo( Ca&o, and wondeed if I ,o.)d di*e the -ids down to
Dana +oint so we ,o.)d a)) spend the day with he fa(i)y. I too- the -ids and (et he
thee, ta-in! f)owes fo &oth Ni,o)e and '.ditha, and the who)e fa(i)y went to ,h.,h
to!ethe. Ni,o)e and I stayed fo dinne, and do*e &a,- )ate that ni!ht. The -ids fe))
as)eep in the ,a. BThat was ni,e,B Ni,o)e said. BThan-s fo ,o(in!.B BIt was f.n,B I said.
6.t it wasn't f.n. A)) a)on!, I'd &een e/pe,tin! he to te)) (e a&o.t the !.y she'd (et in
Ca&o, pe o. a!ee(ent, &.t it didn't )oo- )i-e that was !oin! to happen. ?e !ot &a,- to
(y p)a,e and p.t the -ids to &ed, and that's when Ni,o)e &o-e the news. BI (et
so(eone,B she said. BA !.y I'( petty ,aFy a&o.t.B B4eah,B I said. BI -now.B B?hat do yo.
(ean yo. -nowAB BSo(e of (y fiends wee in Ca&o, too, e(e(&eAB I didn't say it
an!y, and I didn't say it with attit.de, and I didn't pass D.d!(ent. I D.st said it: I -now yo.
(et so(eone. +eiod. Thee was nothin! e)se to say. ?hen Ni,o)e )eft, I po.ed (yse)f a
din- and sat on the ,o.,h and tied to fi!.e o.t what it a)) (eant. Stan!e)y eno.!h, &y
the ti(e I'd finished (y din- I fe)t -ind of e)ie*ed. Ni,o)e was te))in! (e it was o*e. It was
that si(p)e. Fo fo. (onths, I'd &een winin! and dinin! he and sendin! he f)owes anti
&ein! the pe;
fe,t estan!ed h.s&and, &.t now I didn't ha*e to -eep tyin!. I had wanted he &a,-, yes,
&.t o&*io.s)y the fee)in! wasn't (.t.a). She was done with (e. If I -ept ,hasin! he, what
-ind of foo) wo.)d I &eA Hadn't the wo(an D.st to)d (e that she was in )o*e with so(eone
e)seA So, yeahCI a,,epted it. 5y (aia!e was o*e. 5y wife didn't want (e any(oe. It
was ti(e to (o*e on.
#
SO HA++4 TO>ETHER
Fo( that ni!ht on, as >od is (y witness, I (ade a&so).te)y no effot to p.s.e heC
ne*e on,e ta)-ed to he a&o.t the possi&i)ity of e,on,i)in!Cand I defy anyone to show
othewise. The fo))owin! day, I ,a))ed heCand I -ept (y e(otions o.t of it. BI tho.!ht
a&o.t what yo. said, and I !et it,B I to)d he. B7et's ha*e the )awyes he)p .s !et tho.!h
this as 0.i,-)y and as a(i,a&)y as possi&)e.B 5ay&e deep down I hoped she wo.)d say
so(ethin!CBOh no, O.'.H It's not )i-e thatH ?e ,an wo- this o.tHBC&.t that didn't happen.
She !.(&)ed a )itt)e a&o.t the )awyes, &.t that was a&o.t it, then she stated ta)-in!
a&o.t pesona) shitC(ana!in! the -ids' s,hed.)es, he ,aFy fa(i)y, (oney iss.es, and
so onCso I t.ned he o.t. I ea)iFed I was !oin! to ha*e to p.)) away fo(
he ,o(p)ete)y, and when she pa.sed fo &eath I to)d he that it (i!ht &e &est if we didn't
ta)- fo a whi)e. B?hyAB she said. B ?e sho.)d )et the )awyes hand)e it,B I said. I'd seen
p)enty of ,o.p)es in si(i)a sit.ations, and they tended to !et hi!h)y e(otiona) d.in! the
po,eedin!s, and that !enea))y (ade e*eythin! wose. As I said, I wanted to -eep (y
e(otions o.t of it. BO-ay,B she said. B>eat,B I said. I e(e(&e han!in! .p and thin-in!,
?e)), O.', it's ti(e to !et &a,- in the !a(e. The f.nny thin! is, d.in! the pe*io.s thee o
fo. (onths a )ot of (y fiendsCin,).din! 5a,.s A))en and his wife, :athynC had &een
p.shin! (e to stat !oin! o.t with othe wo(en, &.t I wasn't inteested. I tho.!ht I sti)) had
a ,han,e with Ni,o)e, and I tho.!ht I sho.)d wait it o.t. I')) &e honest with yo., I'd &een
&otheed &y that one in,identCwhen I saw he tho.!h the window of he ho.se, !oin! at
it on the ,o.,h with :eith I)o(sowit,hC&.t I wo.)d ha*e &een wi))in! to fo!et it. The way
I saw itCo the way I ationa)iFed it, anywayCa f)in! o two (i!ht a,t.a))y &e a !ood thin!,
espe,ia))y if it (ade he see that I wasn't as &ad as a)) that. Anyway, it didn't 0.ite wo-
o.t that way. At the end of the day, we wee headed fo di*o,e ,o.t, and at that point it
was petty (.,h o.t of (y hands. That sa(e ni!ht, I was o.t an 7.A. ,).&, with fiends,
when I an into a Hawaiian Topi, (ode) I'd -nown yeas ea)ie. She ,a(e
o*e to say hi, and to offe he ,ondo)en,es. BI hea yo. and yo. wife sepaated,B she
said. B ?e did (oe than sepaate,B I said. B?e'e !ettin! a di*o,e.B She was soy to
hea that, too, she said, &.t not so soy that she ef.sed an in*itation to dinne. She ,a(e
o*e to the ho.se a few days )ate, and we had dinne, and a)) I ,o.)d thin- was, O.'. is
,o(in! o.t toni!htH S.e eno.!h, afte dinne we etied to the &edoo(. '.st as we wee
statin! to !et seio.s, I head so(eone at (y font doo, so I e/,.sed (yse)f and went
down to see who it was. :athyn and 5a,.s wee o.tside, and they'd &o.!ht a fiend
with the(Ca wo(an. He na(e was +a.)a 6a&iei, and she was a&so).te)y st.nnin!. I
e(e(&e thin-in! that she )oo-ed a )ot )i-e '.)ia Ro&ets, on)y pettie. I in*ited the( in
and !ot a o.nd of din-s, and I D.st ,o.)dn't ta-e (y eyes off +a.)a. Unfot.nate)y , she
wasn't in the (a-et. She'd !otten (aied e,ent)y, and it hadn't wo-ed o.t, so she was
in the po,ess of !ettin! an ann.)(ent. Of ,o.se, fo( whee I was sittin!, that was a
!ood thin!. That's when (y ho.se-eepe ,a(e into the oo( and si!na)ed to (e. I
,o.)dn't .ndestand what she was doin!. Co.)dn't she see I was in the po,ess of fa))in! in
)o*e with this !o!eo.s ,eat.eA I !ot .p and went o*e. B?hatAB I said. BThee's a
wo(an .pstais, in yo. &edoo(,B she said. ShitH I'd fo!otten a)) a&o.t 5iss Hawaiian
Topi,. I to)d the ho.se-eepe to ha*e he ,o(e down, and she did, and of ,o.se +a.)a
and (y fiends wee thee, and it was a )itt)e aw-wad. 6.t
what ,o.)d I doA ?e had anothe o.nd of din-s, and I showed (y !.ests to the doo,
and then 5iss Hawaiian Topi, and I etied to the &edoo(. That was the ni!ht I &e!an
)ife anew as a sin!)e (an. Of ,o.se, the ne/t day, I ,o.)dn't stop thin-in! a&o.t +a.)a, so
I ,a))ed he and we &e!an to see ea,h othe, &.t not o(anti,a))y. She wasn't eady fo
that yetCshe had that ann.)(ent to !et tho.!hCand I didn't (ind. I D.st fe)t !ood &ein!
ao.nd he: This was the -ind of wo(an a (an wo.)d wait fo. ?e went o.t as fiends fo
a&o.t a (onth, and it was a ea) ,)ean peiod in (y )ife. I wasn't din-in!, and I'd stopped
eatin! (eat fo a whi)e, and I fe)t physi,a))y petty !oodCe/,ept fo the athitis, and (y
-nees, whi,h wee &oth &an!ed to he)) fo( the yeas of foot&a)). +a.)a was a)so into
,)ean )i*in!. She ne*e had anythin! ston!e than a !)ass of wine, and she was seio.s
a&o.t stayin! in !ood shape. She had to &e: She was a (ode), and a *ey s.,,essf.) one
at that. Stan!e)y eno.!h, this was the fist ti(e in (y )ife I'd &een o.t with a wo(an who
wo-ed. I )i-ed it, to &e honest. 5ay&e it (ade he (oe inteestin! to (e, (ay&e it !a*e
he (oe s.&stan,eCI'( not s.eCa)) I -now is that e*ey ti(e I saw he I )i-ed he (oe.
It was d.in! this peiod that Ni,o)e's phone ,a))s stated &e,o(in! (oe and (oe
fe0.ent, e*en o&sessi*e, yo. (i!ht say. She wo.)d &e!in with so(e news a&o.t the -ids,
as she a)ways did, then !et to ta)-in! a&o.t he *aio.s pesona) po&)e(sCwhethe it
was with fiends, with :ato, o e*en with this !.y she was s.pposed to &e so da(n ,aFy
a&o.t. The ,onstant phone ,a))s !ot to
&e
to !et (oe seio.s a&o.t ea,h othe, so (ost of the ti(e I i!noed the(. I -new that if it
was a&o.t the -ids, and it was .!ent, she'd ,a)) Cathy Randa, (y assistant, and Cathy
a)ways -new whee to find (e. Than-f.))y, I was a,t.a))y petty &.sy d.in! this peiod. I
went down to New O)eans fo a&o.t ten days, fo the O)y(pi, tia)s, and spent (ost of
'.)y in 6a,e)ona, ,o*ein! the O)y(pi,s. ?hen I !ot &a,-, I did so(e ta*e)in! fo HetF,
and fo a few othe ,opoate ,)ients, and in the fa)) I et.ned to New 4o- to ,o*e
foot&a)). I ,a(e &a,- to 7.A. fo( ti(e to ti(e, of ,o.seC on,e to do a stoy on the 7os
An!e)es Raides, and a ,o.p)e of ti(es to shoot s,enes fo the Na-ed >.n se0.e)C&.t I
had)y e*e saw Ni,o)e, and I )i-ed it that way. In fa,t, whene*e I had to pi,- .p (y -ids, I
.s.a))y as-ed Cathy Randa to fet,h the( fo (e. I didn't want to !et into anythin! with
Ni,o)eCnot a&o.t the -ids, not a&o.t he )o*e )ife, and not a&o.t (y own )o*e )ifeCand I
tho.!ht this was the wisest ,o.se of a,tion. Then the ,a))s &e!an a!ain, &.t this ti(e they
wee )ess a&o.t he *aio.s po&)e(s and (oe a&o.t the iss.e at handCspe,ifi,a))y, the
di*o,e po,eedin!s. This was when she info(ed (e that so(e of he fiends had &een
ad*isin! he to e/a!!eate (y so,a))ed *io)ent tenden,ies. She had to)d the( what I'd
said i!ht afte the 18<8 fias,oCthat I wo.)d wi))in!)y toss the pe;n.ptia) a!ee(ent if
so(ethin! )i-e that e*e happened a!ainCand appaent)y they tho.!ht she sho.)d ty to
.se that to !et a &ette sett)e(ent o.t of (e. BThey want (e to say that I'*e &een
ta.(atiFed &y the epeated &attein!s,B Ni,o)e said.
a )itt)e (.,h, fan-)y , espe,ia))y sin,e +a.)a and I wee &e!innin!
BRepeated &attein!sHB I said. B ?hat the he)) is that s.pposed to (eanA ?hat epeated
&attein!sAB BI -now,B Ni,o)e said. BI ,an't &e)ie*e it eithe. They'e tyin! to ,on*in,e (e
that I'( a *i,ti( of a&.se.B I didn't -now what she was !oin! to do, fan-)y, &.t I fi!.ed
that when the ti(e ,a(e she'd do i!ht &y (e. As it t.ned o.t, I was ,a))ed to the stand
fist. I ad(itted that I'd &e,o(e physi,a) with Ni,o)e in 18<8, and I des,i&ed in detai) the
e*ents )eadin! to the &)ow.p, and I petty (.,h &)a(ed Ni,o)e fo the a!.(ent. Sti)), I
too- f.)) esponsi&i)ity fo (y esponse. I a)so said that Ni,o)e had atta,-ed (e on se*ea)
o,,asions, in the yeas pio and in the yeas sin,e, &.t that I had )eaned to hand)e it &y
physi,a))y e(o*in! (yse)f fo( the oo(Cfo( the ho.se, if ne,essay. Ni,o)e sat in the
,o.too(, )istenin!, sayin! nothin!, and the session ended &efoe she ,o.)d ta-e the
stand. She ,a(e o*e, s(i)ed p)easant)y, and as-ed if I was fee fo dinne. ?e had a
*ey ni,e ti(e at dinne. I fe)t )i-e we wee (aied a!ain. The ne/t day, we wee &a,- in
,o.t, and it was Ni,o)e's t.n to testify, &.t she didn't show .p. She ea,hed (e on (y
,e)), in ,o.t, and said, BO.'., I D.st ,an't do it.B I (.st te)) yo., I was petty i (pessed. She
was a !ood, (oa), ,h.,h!oin! peson, and she si(p)y ef.sed to )ie. ?hi)e we waited fo
the di*o,e to &e,o(e fina), we so(eti(es h.n! o.t to!ethe, (ost)y fo the sa-e of the
-ids, and it was fai)y p)easant. Thee was a&so).te)y no ani(osity at that point. So(e
,o.p)es !et an!y and stay an!y, and so(e D.st fee) sad, and we woe definite)y ,)ose to
the )atte type. I thin-, )i-e (any peo;
p)e, &oth of .s wished it had wo-ed o.t. I had a)ways i(a!ined !owin! o)d with Ni,o)e,
and wat,hin! o. -ids !ow .p and ha*e -ids of thei own, &.t that wasn't in the ,ads. So
I dea)t with itC we &oth didCand tied to !et on with this &.siness of )i*in!. 5y o)de
da.!hte, Ane))e, was in ,o))e!e at the ti(e, and one day she as-ed (e how ,o(e I
wasn't an!y with Ni,o)e. B?hen she ,a))s, yo. ta)- to he. ?hen she as-s yo. fo ad*i,e,
yo. !i*e it. And when she D.st needs yo. to )isten to he, yo. )isten. I don't !et it. I tho.!ht
the di*o,e was he idea.B B ?hat's thee to !etAB I said. BThe (aia!e ended. ?e &oth
!ot .s to this p)a,e. ?hat sense wo.)d it (a-e to &e an!y with heA ?hen yo.'e an!y,
yo.'e on)y h.tin! yo.se)f. 7ife is too shot to &e ,ayin! !.d!es. 4o. !otta o*e on.B
And that's what we did, Ni,o)e and ICwe (o*ed on. I didn't as- a&o.t he &oyfiends, and
she didn't as- a&o.t +a.)a, and whene*e we wee to!ethe we wee fo,.sed on the -ids.
The idea was to (a-e the( fee) safe, to )et the( -now that we wee thee fo the(, and
thatCthe di*o,e notwithstandin!Cwe )o*ed the( (oe than e*e. As it t.ned o.t, these
)itt)e fa(i)y !athein!s &e!an to affe,t Ni,o)e, too. 6efoe )on!, she was ,a))in! (e a!ain,
at a)) ho.s of the day and ni!ht, to te)) (e how sad and ,onf.sed she was, and to
e(inis,e a&o.t o. (any yeas to!ethe. I !.ess that's no(a)C pat of the !ie*in!
po,ess o so(ethin!C&.t it was &e!innin! to affe,t (y e)ationship with +a.)a, and I
de,ided I needed to p.t an end to it. Now, when the phone an!, I a)ways ,he,-ed to see
who was ,a))in!, and whene*e it was Ni,o)e I tended not to answe.
One day she -ept ,a))in! and ,a))in!, and I wondeed if so(ethin! was won!, &.t I -new
Cathy wo.)d &e pi,-in! .p the -ids )ate, and doppin! the( off, and if anythin! was
won! I'd hea it fo( he. 6.t a&o.t an ho. &efoe the -ids wee d.e o*e, they showed
.pCwith Ni,o)e, not Cathy. I h.!!ed and -issed the -ids, and they an past (e into the
ho.se, headin! fo the poo). B?hat's .pAB I as-ed Ni,o)e. BNothin!,B she said. I ,o.)d see
that so(ethin! was on he (ind, &.t I didn't py. If she had so(ethin! to te)) (e, she'd te))
(e in d.e ,o.se. A few days )ate, when I was in New 4o-, she ,a))ed. BI need to ta)- to
yo.,B she said. B4eahAB BI'( pe!nant.B That -ind of thew (e a )itt)e. B?ith the !.y yo.'e
so ,aFy a&o.tAB I as-ed. BNo,B she said. BSo(eone e)se.B BSo yo.'e not ,aFy a&o.t that
othe !.y any(oeAB BThat ended a )on! ti(e a!o.B BOh,B I said. I didn't -now what e)se to
say. BI !.ess I'( !oin! to ha*e an a&otion,B she said. I didn't -now what to say to that,
eithe. ?as I s.pposed to !i*e he (y &)essin! o so(ethin!A BI'( s.e yo.')) do what yo.
thin- is &est,B I said. BThan-s,B she said. BFo whatAB BI don't -now,B she said. BFo
)istenin!, I !.ess.B
One ni!ht, not )on! afte, I was &.sy in (y ho(e offi,e, wo-in!, and I ,o.)d see Ni,o)e
was tyin! to ea,h (e. She ,a))ed (y ,e)), (y ho(e phone, the ,e)) a!ain. I fina))y pi,-ed
.p, an!y. B?hatAB I &a-ed. BI want to ead yo. so(ethin!,B she said. BI don't ha*e ti(e
fo this Ni,o)e.B BIt's fo( (y wi)).B I too- a deep &eath. BO-ay,B I said. BI'( )istenin!.B BThis
is in (y wi)), wod fo wod,B she said, and she 0.oted die,t)y fo( the do,.(ent: BJO.'.,
p)ease e(e(&e (e fo( ea)y in o. e)ationship, &efoe I &e,a(e so .nhappy and so
&it,hy. Re(e(&e how (.,h I t.)y )o*e9d adoe yo.'.B BThat's *ey ni,e,B I said. BDon't
fo!et,B she said. BI (ean it.B BI won't fo!et,B I said. B+o(iseAB BI po(ise.B In O,to&e of
that yea, 188#, the di*o,e &e,a(e fina). E*eythin! had !one petty s(ooth)y. Finan,es,
,.stody, *isitationCa)) that st.ff that di*o,ed paents ae on)y too fa(i)ia with. As pat of
the ,.stody aan!e(ent, we a!eed to spend the fist Than-s!i*in! and Chist(as with
the -ids, as a fa(i)y, to !i*e the( a )itt)e (oe ti(e to !et .sed to the idea that we wee no
)on!e to!ethe. ?e fi!.ed we'd ,e)e&ate Than-s!i*in! in New 4o-, at (y 5anhattan
apat(ent, and Chist(as in 7.A., and Ni,o)e and I dis,.ssed e*ey )itt)e detai)Cdown to
whee I was !oin! to !et the t.-ey, what side dishes the -ids )i-ed hest, and
how (any pies she tho.!ht we wo.)d need. Two days &efoe Than-s!i*in!, with a)) the
ta*e) aan!e(ents in p)a,e, she ,a))ed to te)) (e that she wasn't &in!in! the -ids to New
4o-. B ?hat do yo. (eanAB I snapped. BI ,han!ed (y who)e wo- s,hed.)e fo thisH The
netwo- eaan!ed thin!s so I wo.)dn't ha*e to !o to Detoit so that I ,o.)d spend
Than-s!i*in! with (y -idsHB B ?e)), we'e not ,o(in!,B she epeated. B ?hyA 4o.'*e !ot to
!i*e (e a easonHB BI ,an't,B she said. B'.st, yo. -nowCthe tip's off.B I ,o.)dn't &e)ie*e it.
This was the sa(e wo(an who wo.)d ,a)) (e two and thee ti(es a day, to wa)- down
(e(oy )ane, to ta)- a&o.t fee)in! sad and )ost, and hee she was, te))in! (e she wasn't
)ettin! (e see (y -ids o*e Than-s!i*in!Cand not e*en &othein! to e/p)ain hese)f. B
?e de,ided this in ,o.tHB I sho.ted. BIn font of the D.d!eH 4o. ,an't ,han!e the dea) on
(eHB BI don't )i-e it when yo. aise yo. *oi,e to (e,B she said, and h.n! .p. I was f.io.s.
I ,a))ed (y )awye and he ,a))ed he )awye, &.t &y then it was too )ate. I didn't !et to
spend Than-s!i*in! with (y -ids, and I ended .p !oin! to Detoit fo the netwo-, as
oi!ina))y p)anned, whi,h (ade the( happy. Sti)), I de,ided I was ne*e !oin! to )et
anythin! )i-e that happen to (e a!ain, and afte Than-s!i*in! (y )awyes ,a))ed he
)awyes and ead the( the iot a,t. They a!eed to )et (e ha*e (y -ids o*e Chist(as,
a)one, D.st (e and the(, and I was i((ense)y e)ie*ed and i((ense)y e/,ited. I went
shoppin! fo pesents, !ot ti,-ets fo
shows, and aan!ed to do a)) sots of f.n st.ff with the -ids. It was !oin! to &e a non;stop
paty. I was !oin! to (a-e it a Chist(as they'd ne*e fo!etH I ,a))ed (y o)de da.!hte,
Ane))e, and as-ed he to f)y the -ids to New 4o-, and I &oo-ed the thee of the( on a
f)i!ht fo De,e(&e #1. I was e/,ited, &.t I was sti)) wayCsti)) pissed at Ni,o)e fo p.))in!
that )itt)e Than-s!i*in! st.nt. 7ate, I fo.nd o.t that she'd had a fi!ht with yet anothe !.y
Cthe !.y that !ot he pe!nant, I thin-Cand that she had &een fee)in! needy and fa!i)e
and had wanted the -ids to hese)f. I wondeed if she was !oin! to -eep he shit to!ethe
o*e Chist(as, o whethe she was !oin! to ty to (ess .p those p)ans, too. And I
wondeed whethe I was !oin! to !et dawn into Ni,o)e's &.))shit and da(a fo the est of
(y )ife. It didn't see( i!ht. I'd a)ways &een thee fo he when she needed (e, d.in! the
(aia!e and )on! afte, and I s.spe,ted that he ina&i)ity to !et he )ife in ode was !oin!
to ,eate end)ess po&)e(s fo (e and the -ids. I didn't )i-e it. On De,e(&e #1, I went to
the aipot to pi,- .p Ane))e and the -ids. ?e wee o*e the (oon with happiness. ?e
spent the ne/t day .nnin! ao.nd town, shoppin! and eatin! and ha*in! f.n and *isitin!
with fiends. I tho.!ht to (yse)f, 6ein! a sin!)e dad ain't ha)f &adH Then ne/t day,
De,e(&e #3, I !ot a ,a)) fo( Ni,o)e. She was ,yin! so had I ,o.)dn't .ndestand a
wod she was sayin!, &.t she fina))y p.))ed hese)f to!ethe and to)d (e that she
despeate)y wanted to ,o(e o New 4o-. BI ,an't he away fo( the -ids,B she
said. BI (iss the( too (.,h. +)ease, O.'. 7et (e ,o(e. I want to &e with (y -ids. I don't
want to &e a)one.B Now don't !et (e won!, I was pissed at Ni,o)e, &.t I'*e ne*e &een
(.,h !ood at ho)din! !.d!es. BO-ay,B I said. BI')) ha*e a ti,-et fo yo. at the aipot.B
BRea))yAB I !.ess she ,o.)dn't &e)ie*e it was !oin! to &e that easy. B4es,B I said. BI'( s.e
the -ids wo.)d )o*e to ha*e yo. hee.B BThan-s, O.'. I (ean it.B BThee's one ,at,h,B I said.
B4o. ,an't s)eep in the apat(ent with .s. +a.)a wo.)dn't )i-e it. I')) !et yo. a hote).B She
didn't ,o(p)ain, she didn't say a wod, in fa,t, &e,a.se she -new this didn't ,on,en he in
the )east. +a.)a and I had &een datin! fo se*ea) (onths now, and we wee *ey happy
to!ethe, and I wasn't !oin! to do anythin! that (i!ht DeopadiFe the e)ationship. Of
,o.se, Ni,o)e didn't -now that +a.)a wasn't a,t.a))y !oin! to &e thee o*e the ho)idaysC
she was spendin! Chist(as in F)oida, with he paentsC&.t that didn't (a-e any
diffeen,e to (e. If I )et Ni,o)e s)eep in the apat(ent, it wo.)d ha*e &een disespe,tf.) to
+a.)a, and that wasn't !oin! to happen. Unfot.nate)y, I had to ,a)) +a.)a to te)) he what
was !oin! on, and I -ind of deaded it. +a.)a had ta-en the ti(e and to.&)e to fi/
Chist(as dinne fo (e and the -ids &efoe !ettin! on he p)ane to F)oida, and this is
how I was !oin! to epay heC&y spendin! Chist(as with (y e/;wifeA B+a.)a, it's (e,
O.'. How ae thin!s in F)oidaAB B>eat. How ae yo.A 4o. so.nd f.nny. BI'( fine.B
BHow ae the -idsAB BThey'e !eat,B I said. B6.t I sot of wanted to ta)- to yo. a&o.t
Ni,o)e.B BNi,o)eAB B4eah. She de,ided she wanted to &e with the -ids fo Chist(as. She's
f)yin! in to(oow.B +a.)a !ot (ad, and thin!s went downhi)) fo( thee. She h.n! .p on
(e, and when I ,a))ed &a,- she wo.)dn't answe. I ,a))ed &a,- o&sessi*e)y, and fo a few
ho.s I i(a!ined how Ni,o)e (.st ha*e fe)t when she was tyin! to !et ho)d of (e and not
s.,,eedin!. I )eft (essa!esCBI'( soy. I ,an't do anythin! a&o.t it. She's the (othe of
(y -idsBC&.t +a.)a didn't et.n (y ,a))s. Anyway, to (a-e a )on! stoy shot, Ni,o)e
Doined (e and the -ids in New 4o- and we had a *ey ni,e ti(e to!ethe. ?e went to
Radio City 5.si, Ha)) fo the Chist(as pa!eant, an ao.nd the ,ity )i-e to.ists, and on
Chist(as (onin! we opened a)) the pesents Santa had )eft. That aftenoon, the weathe
was ni,e, so Ni,o)e and I too- the -ids fo a )on! wa)- in Centa) +a-. ?hen we !ot &a,-,
we ate )efto*es and p.t the( to &ed. Aftewad, Ni,o)e and I pa,-ed thei &a!s fo the
f)i!ht ho(e the ne/t day, and when we wee done Ni,o)e po.ed hese)f a !)ass of wine
and ,a(e into the )i*in! oo(. BThan-s fo )ettin! (e ,o(e,B she said. She )oo-ed ea)
sad. BThe -ids had f.n,B I said. BDid yo.AB BS.e,B I said, tyin! not to )oo- at he. I didn't
-now whee she was ta-in! the ,on*esation, &.t I -new I didn't )i-e it.
B?hat happened to .sAB she as-ed, and she &e!an to ,y. B?e wee so happy to!ethe.B B
UsA' I said. B?hat do yo. (ean .sA 4o. )eft (e.B BI'( s.,h a (ess,B she said, sti)) ,yin!.
B7oo-,B I said, ,.ttin! he off. B ?e had a few !eat days. 7et's not &)ow it. I ha*e to !o to
wo- to(oow, and I'*e !ot notes to e*iew, and the )i(o's ,o(in! at e)e*en to ta-e yo.
and the -ids to the aipot.B She finished he wine and )eft fo the hote), than-in! (e a!ain,
and I went to e*iew (y notes fo the ne/t day. At that point, to &e honest with yo., I ea))y
didn't want to hea any (oe of he shit. +a.)a was sti)) (ad at (eCit had ta-en thee
days of ,a))in! &efoe she e*en spo-e to (eCand I was in no (ood to )isten to Ni,o)e.
?e'd had so(e !eat ti(es to!ethe, s.e, &.t the )ast two yeas had &een tot.e. Ni,o)e
had &een eati,, (oody, and wose, and it didn't )oo- )i-e she was !ettin! any &ette. I
had *owed -eep he at a('s )en!th, and I'd fai)ed, &.t that Chist(as I de,ided that thin!s
wee !oin! to ,han!e. I was on)y !oin! to ,o((.ni,ate with he if it was a&o.t the -ids. I
didn't want to hea a&o.t he pesona) )ife. It was he )ife. She had ,hosen it. She had
(ade that &ed, and she needed to stat !ettin! .sed to it. Fo the ne/t thee (onths, I
had)y ta)-ed to he. She ,a))ed on,e to te)) (e that she had de,ided to !et into theapy,
and that she was *ey happy with the shin- she was seein!. This wasn't one of those
hi!h;pi,ed, 6e*e)y Hi))s, yo.'e;a;&ea.tif.);peson shin-s, she said this was the ea)
dea).
BI'( &e!innin! to see that I (essed .p a )ot of thin!s fo .s,B she said. BI'( soy I &)a(ed
yo. fo e*eythin!.B B ?e &oth f.,-ed .p,B I said, tyin! to &e !eneo.s. BI'( !)ad yo.'e
!ettin! he)p.B Of ,o.se, yeas )ate, when I was fi!htin! he fa(i)y fo ,.stody of the -ids,
(y )awyes !ot ho)d of so(e of the theapy notes fo( he (any sessions, and the pi,t.e
that e(e!ed was a )itt)e diffeent. One thin! that ea))y pissed (e off, and that they tied
to .se a!ainst (e, was a&o.t the -ids, of ,o.se. She to)d he shin- that afte that
Chist(as *isit I hadn't ,a))ed the ho.se in wee-s, and she wondeed if I e*en ,aed how
the -ids fe)t a&o.t that. It was tota) &.))shit. I had ,a))ed, &.t I ,a))ed when Ni,o)e wasn't
ao.nd, fo o&*io.s easons. On se*ea) o,,asions, in fa,t, I spo-e to Ni,o)e's (othe,
'.ditha, and she p.ts the -ids on the )ine, and I ta)-ed to the( at )en!thCand (y )awyes
ha*e the e,ods to po*e it. The )awyes a)so e/p)ained, in ,o.t, that I had &een
de)i&eate)y a*oidin! Ni,o)e, whose ,onstant phone ,a))s wee &e!innin! to affe,t (y
e)ationship with +a.)a 6a&iei. I had to)d he, epeated)y, that I didn't want to ta)- to he
.n)ess it was a&o.t the -ids, and then on)y if it was an e(e!en,y, and I had e*en (ade
aan!e(ents to ha*e (y assistant, Cathy Randa, sh.tt)e the( to and fo( o. ho(esC
a)) &e,a.se I wanted to a*oid f.the da(a. It wo-ed, too. ?e went se*ea) wee-s
witho.t a sin!)e a!.(ent. In fa,t, the on)y a!.(ent we had d.in! this entie peiod
e)ated to the -ids' *a,ation s,hed.)e. I had wanted to ta-e the( away fo a wee- in
Fe&.ay, and I'd &oo-ed a tip in ad*an,e, &.t at the )ast (in.te the s,hoo) o)d (e that it
wo.)dn't he a !ood ti(e
to ta-e the( o.t of ,)ass, and they as-ed (e to e,onside. ?hen I ,a))ed Ni,o)e to ty to
,han!e the date, te))in! he I needed to p.sh it &a,- a wee-, she wo.)dn't &.d!e. BIt's !ot
to &e that wee- o nothin!HB she &a-ed. I to)d he to -iss (y ass and h.n! .p. 7ate, I
fo.nd o.t that she had sp)it with yet anothe &oyfiend, and that she'd &een ta)-in! to
5a,.s A))en a&o.t it, in !eat detai), hopin! that 5a,.s wo.)d shae those detai)s with
(e. 5a,.s wasn't shain! anythin! with (e, howe*e, so I was ,o(p)ete)y in the da-.
The othe thin! she was te))in! 5a,.s was that she was (issin! (e, and that she
wondeed if he tho.!ht thee was a ,han,e we (i!ht !et &a,- to!ethe. I didn't -now
a&o.t that, eithe, &e,a.se 5a,.s wasn't ta)-in!, &.t I ne*e i(a!ined that she was sti))
pinin! fo (e. I tho.!ht that it was a)) in the distant pastC it was fo (e, anywayCand I
was st.,- &y the way the ta&)es had t.ned. Ni,o)e was the one who had wanted o.t of
the (aia!e, and I had tied (i!hti)y to sa*e it. ?hen it &e,a(e ,)ea that the (aia!e
was o*e, howe*e, I fo.nd the sten!th to (o*e on, &.t Ni,o)e see(ed to &e ha*in!
se,ond tho.!hts a&o.t he de,ision. Now, these (any (onths )ate, she had appaent)y
,o(e f.)) ,i,)e. I didn't -now it, of ,o.se, &.t she was )oo-in! fo a way &a,-. 7ate in
Fe&.ay, ,)ea)y f.stated &y (y )a,- of inteest in ,o((.ni,atin! with he, Ni,o)e fo.nd
anothe way to ea,h (e: E*ey ti(e the -ids ,a(e o*e, they showed .p with ho(e;
&a-ed ,a-es o ,oo-ies. B5o(, (ade these fo yo.. They'e y.((y.B I to)d the( to than-
thei (othe, &.t I opted not to than- he (yse)f. I D.st didn't want to ta)- to he. I was
done. I had a new wo(an in (y )ife.
One day, the -ids showed .p with a CD. B5o( (ade this fo yo. on he ,o(p.te,B they
said. I )istened to it and fo.nd that e*ey )ast son! was a )o*e son!. I was f)atteed, I
!.ess, and (ay&e e*en a )itt)e (o*ed, &.t that didn't ,han!e anythin!. Ni,o)e and I wee
finished. BThan- 5o( fo (e,B I to)d the -ids. 6.t, a!ain, I didn't &othe than-in! he
(yse)f. I didn't want to !et into it, &e,a.se I wasn't !oin! &a,-. And yes, I -now this !oes
a!ainst the pop.)a ,on,eptionCthat I was sti)) (ad)y in )o*e with Ni,o)e, and pinin! to !et
he &a,-C&.t it's >od's own t.th. One aftenoon, I was pa,-in! fo a tip to Ca&o San
7.,as, and waitin! fo (y -ids to show .p. They wee !oin! to ha*e dinne at (y p)a,e
and spend the ni!ht, and I was !oin! to dop the( &a,- at Ni,o)e's in the (onin!, on (y
way to the aipot. ?hen I was done pa,-in!, I nodded off on the ,o.,h, and the phone
an! a shot ti(e )ate, wa-in! (e. I answeed it witho.t ,he,-in! the ,a))e I.D., and it
t.ned o.t to &e Ni,o)e. BI want to ta)-,B she said. BI don't want to ta)-,B I said. BIt's a)ways a
h.!e hass)e. ?e'e not to!ethe any(oe. I ,an't &e )istenin! to yo. po&)e(s a)) the
ti(e.B BI -now, and I'( soy,B she said. B6.t thee's so(ethin! I need to say to yo..B
BO-ay,B I said. B?hatAB BI ,an't te)) yo. on the phone. I need to te)) yo. this in peson.B BI
,an't ta)- i!ht now,B I said. BI ha*e anothe ,a)) ,o(in! in.B This was a )ie, &.t I wanted to
!et he off the phone. B?i)) yo. ,a)) (e &a,-AB BS.e,B I said, &.t that was a )ie, too, and I
didn't ,a)) he &a,-.
An ho. )ate, (y -ids showed .p at the ho.se, and they had a pa,-a!e fo (e. I opened
the pa,-a!e, whi,h was fo( Ni,o)e. I fo.nd o. weddin! tape inside, a)on! with a )ette.
In the )ette, whi,h I didn't ead ti)) )ate, Ni,o)e to)d (e that she was )eanin! a !eat dea)
a&o.t hese)f in theapy, and that she had ,o(e to ea)iFe that she was esponsi&)e fo
(ost of the po&)e(s in o. (aia!e. She a)so said that she sti)) )o*ed (e, that had she
had ne*e stopped )o*in! (e, and that she wanted (e to -now that she &e)ie*ed we'd had
a t.)y !eat e)ationship. I had a)ways tho.!ht we had a !eat e)ationship, so this wasn't
e/a,t)y a e*e)ation, and as I ead &etween the )inesCo not e*en &etween the )ines,
ea))yCit was petty ,)ea that she was )oo-in! fo .s to e,on,i)e. I went o.t to Doin the
-ids, and I was s.pised to ,at,h si!ht of Ni,o)e, standin! on the fa side of the !ate,
)oo-in! towad the ho.se. I didn't -now she had dopped the -ids offCCathy Randa was
in ,ha!e of thatC&.t thee she was, stain! at (e, and it didn't see( i!ht to i!noe he. I
went o*e to ta)- to he. BSo what ae yo. doin! heeAB I said. B?hat's with the weddin!
tape and st.ffAB BI tho.!ht yo. wee !oin! to ,a)) (e &a,-,B she said, a*oidin! the
0.estion. BI fe)) as)eep on the ,o.,h.B B?e)), )i-e I said on the phone, I ha*e so(ethin! to
te)) yo..B I was tapped. I si!hed a &i! si!h and said, B7et's ta-e a wa)-.B ?e too- a )itt)e
wa)- ao.nd the nei!h&ohood, the sa(e wa)- we had ta-en h.ndeds of' ti(es &efoe. It's
a ni,e nei!h&ohood, 0.iet and pea,ef.), and we .sed o )o*e o wande p and down the
steets, )oo-in! at the ho.ses, ,hattin! with the nei!h&os. This ti (e we ween't doin!
(.,h )oo-in! o ,hattin!, tho.!hCthis ti(e she D.st wanted to ta)-, and what she wanted
to ta)- a&o.tC no s.piseCwas .s !ettin! &a,- to!ethe. She epeated she had ,o(e a
)on! way in theapy, and that she was soy a&o.t e*eythin!, and she was wondein! if I
,o.)d find it in (y heat to fo!i*e he. BI'*e a)ways )o*ed yo.,B she said. BI'*e ne*e
stopped )o*in! yo.. And I'*e ne*e to)d yo. I didn't )o*e yo..B BThat's not entie)y
a,,.ate,B I said. B4o. a)ways to)d (e yo. )o*ed (e, &.t yo. said yo. ween't in )o*e with
(e.B B ?e)), I was won!. I'( sti)) in )o*e with yo..B BHow ,an yo. &e &a,- in )o*e with
(eAB I said. B?e &ae)y spea- any(oe, and I'*e had)y seen yo. in (onths.B BI don't
-now,B she said. BI !.ess I'*e &een dea)in! with a)) the st.ff I was s.pposed to dea) with,
and e*eythin!'s a )itt)e ,)eae now. I ea))y fee) we ,o.)d (a-e it wo-.B I ,o.)dn't &e)ie*e
this, e*en tho.!h I'd seen it ,o(in!. B4o.'e te))in! (e yo. want to !et &a,- to!etheAB I
as-ed. B4es.B BI don't thin- that's in the ,ads,B I said. BI thin- it (i!ht &e !ood fo the -ids if
we tied to ha*e a fiend)y dinne fo( ti(e to ti(e, &.t that's a&o.t it.B B4o. don't ha*e to
(a-e yo. (ind .p i!ht away,B she said. BA)) I'( doin! is p.ttin! it o.t thee. A)) I'( as-in!
is that yo. thin- a&o.t it.B BI don't .ndestand yo.,B I said. BI'( the sa(e !.y yo. )eft. I'(
the sa(e O. '. I ha*en't ,han!ed a &it.B
B?e)), I don't want yo. to ,han!e,B she said. B4o.'e fine the way yo. ae. I'( te))in! yo.
I'*e ,han!ed.B I tho.!ht that was (essed .p. She was the (othe of (y ,hi)den, and pat
of (e sti)) )o*ed he, &.t I was petty s.e we didn't ha*e a f.t.e to!ethe. Sti)), I wanted
to )et he down easy, so I .!ed he to fo,.s on the -ids. They had a)ways enDoyed
spendin! ti(e with &oth of .s, to!ethe, and that had &een the oi!ina) p)an when we fist
sepaatedCto ty to -eep the -ids happy &y showin! the( that we wee sti)) a ,)ose,
)o*in! fa(i)yCand I tho.!ht we ,o.)d wo- on that. BI -now the -ids wo.)d )o*e it if we had
dinne as a fa(i)y now and then,B I said. BI a!ee,B she said. B7et's do it.B ?hen we !ot
&a,- to the ho.se, she as-ed if she ,o.)d ,o(e in. To &e honest, I didn't want he to, &.t it
see(ed odd to -eep he o.t, what with the ta)- we'd D.st had, and with the -ids thee,
wat,hin! .s standin! &y the font !ate, so I )et he in. ?e !ot the -ids fed and I too- the(
.pstais and p.t the( to &ed, and Ni,o)e was sti)) thee when I ,a(e &a,- down. BI see
yo. !ot pi,t.es of +a.)a a)) o*e the ho.se,B she said. BThat's i!ht,B I said. BIn ,ase yo.
hadn't head, we'e datin!.B She s(i)ed, tyin! to hide the h.t, and sat on the ,o.,h
a,oss fo( (e. I didn't -now what she was sti)) doin! thee, and I was a&o.t ten se,onds
away fo( !ettin! .de. BThan- yo. fo )ettin! (e han! o.t,B she said. BI D.st didn't fee) )i-e
&ein! a)one.B BThat's ,oo),B I said. B6.t I'( tied, and I'*e !ot a p)ane to ,at,h to(oow,
and I'( !oin! o &ed.B
BO-ay,B she said, &.t she )oo-ed disappointed. I wa)-ed he to the doo and wat,hed he
,oss to he ,a. She )oo-ed !ood. She )oo-ed as !ood as she had when I fist (et he. I
tho.!ht, It's a(aFin! the way peop)e ,an whip the(se)*es into shape when they p.t thei
(ind to it. ?hen I went &a,- inside, I opened the )ette and ead it. In he )ette, Ni,o)e
went on at )en!th a&o.t the iss.es we had D.st ta)-ed a&o.tCthat it was he fa.)t the
e)ationship had fa))en apat, and that she had )eaned tho.!h ,o.nse)in! to Bt.n
ne!ati*es into positi*esB and to B!et id ofB he an!e: I a)ways -new that what was !oin!
on with .s was a&o.t (eCI D.st wasn't s.e why it was a&o.t (eCso I D.st &)a(ed yo..
I'( the one who was ,onto))in!. I wanted yo. to &e faithf.) and &e a pefe,t fathe. I was
not a,,eptin! to who yo. ae. 6e,a.se I didn't )i-e (yse)f any(oe. She to)d (e that afte
New 4ea's E*e she san- into a depession and &)a(ed it on what I had ,a))ed Bthat 3$'s
thin!.B She said that she had !i*en .p on teatin! (e as if she )o*ed (e, &.t she said: I
ne*e stopped )o*in! yo.CI stopped )i-in! (yse)f and )ost tota) ,onfiden,e in any
e)ationship with yo.. And she (ade he !oa) ,)ea: to ha*e he and the -ids (o*e &a,- in
with (e.
I want to p.t o. fa(i)y &a,- to!etheH I want o. -ids to !ow .p with thei paents. I
tho.!ht I'd &e happy aisin! Sydney K '.stin &y (yse)fCsin,e we didn't see too (.,h of
yo. anyway. 6.t now, I . . . I want to &e with yo.H I want to )o*e yo. and ,heish yo., and
(a-e yo. s(i)e. I want to wa-e .p with yo. in the (onin!s and ho)d yo. at ni!ht. I want
to h.! and -iss yo. e*eyday. I want .s to &e the way we .sed to &e. Thee was no
,o.p)e )i-e .s. I don't -now what I went tho.!h . . . I didn't &e)ie*e yo. )o*ed (e any(oe
Cand I ,o.)dn't hand)e it. 6.t fo the past (onth I'*e &een )oo-in! at o. weddin! tape
and o. fa(i)y (o*iesCand I ,an see that we t.)y )o*ed ea,h othe. A )o*e I'*e ne*e
seen in any of o. fiends. +)ease )oo- at the # tapes I'( sendin! o*e with this )ette.
?at,h the( a)one K with yo. phone t.ned offCthey'e ea))y f.n to wat,h. She ended
he )ette with the fo))owin!: O.'. 4o.')) &e (y one and on)y Bt.e )o*e.B I'( soy fo the
pain I'*e ,a.sed yo. and I'( soy we )et it die. +)ease )et .s &e a fa(i)y a!ain, and )et (e
)o*e yo.C&ette than I e*e ha*e &efoe. I')) )o*e yo. foe*e and a)ways .. . 5e.
At the &otto(, she had dawn a s(i)ey fa,e. I went to &ed and eead the )ette, and I had
to.&)e fa))in! as)eep that ni!ht. In the (onin!, I wo-e the -ids, !ot the( fed, and dopped
the( at Ni,o)e's on (y way to the aipot. I didn't &othe !oin! in. I didn't want to see
Ni,o)e. The pe*io.s day had stied .p a )ot of fee)in!s, and I wasn't s.e that was a !ood
thin!. On the f)i!ht to 5e/i,o, howe*e, I ,o.)dn't stop thin-in! a&o.t o. ,on*esation,
and a&o.t the )ette. I sti)) had fee)in!s fo he, and she was p)ayin! to those fee)in!s, and
it &otheed (e. Ni,o)e was the one who had wanted o.t of the (aia!e. ?hy was she
,o(in! &a,- now and (a-in! thin!s so had on (eA ?hen I !ot to Ca&o, I stopped
thin-in! a&o.t he. A ,a pi,-ed (e .p and too- (e to 7a +a)(i))a, whi,h was one of the
few fan,y hote)s theeC&a,- in those days, anywayCand I .npa,-ed and went off to ta-e
,ae of &.siness. I was (eetin! with a !o.p of !.ys who wee !oin! to &e p.ttin! .p
se*ea) hote)s and a !o)f ,o.se in Ca&o, and they wee hopin! I'd &e a&)e to atta,t a few
hi!h;pofi)e in*estos. ?e )oo-ed o*e the p)ans, ta)-ed &.siness, then went off fo din-s
and dinne. The ne/t (onin!, I !ot a ,a)) fo( 7.A. One of (y fiends, 6i))y :ehoe, had
died .ne/pe,ted)y, and I was fo,ed to ta-e an ea)y f)i!ht &a,- to 7.A. I went stai!ht fo(
the aipot to a f.nea) ho(e in Santa 5oni,a, fo the wa-e. The a,t.a) f.nea) was
s,hed.)ed fo the ne/t day, &.t I wasn't !oin! to (a-e it: I had a)eady (ade p)ans to ta-e
the -ids to 7as Ee!as the fo))owin! (onin!,
whee we wee !oin! to (eet .p with +a.)a, and they wee so e/,ited that I didn't ha*e
the heat to )et the( down. Anyway, I !ot to the f.nea) ho(e and h.n! ao.nd fo a &it,
and the fist peson I an into was Ni,o)e. She ,o(e o*e and said hi and !a*e (e a )itt)e
-iss, and she to)d (e she had )eft the -ids at (y ho.se. She had &een .na&)e to find :ato,
she said, and she -new I was ta-in! the -ids to Ee!as the fo))owin! day, so it see(ed )i-e
a !ood so).tion. BHow was Ca&oAB she as-ed. BIt was fine. I (i!ht &.i)d a )itt)e ho.se
thee.B Then we saw 6i))y's wife and fa(i)y and went o*e to e/pess o. ,ondo)en,es.
O. fiendship went a)) the way &a,- to when Ni,o)e and I wee fist (aied, and we
ta)-ed a&o.t the o)d days, and I ,o.)d see that stied .p a )ot of fee)in!s fo Ni,o)e. ?hen
thin!s &o-e .p, Ni,o)e and I fo.nd o.se)*es o.t in the pa-in! )ot, a)one. BI'( h.n!y,B I
said. B4o. want to !et a &ite to eatAB BS.e,B she said. ?e went to a )itt)e esta.ant in
Santa 5oni,a, and fo so(e eason Ni,o)e stated ta)-in! a&o.t 5a,.s A))en and his
fian,ee, :athyn, who wee a&o.t to !et (aied, and who had as-ed (e to host the
weddin! at (y p)a,e, on Ro,-in!ha(. I to)d Ni,o)e, BIt's f.nny. :athyn e(inds (e a )itt)e
of yo. when yo. wee pepain! fo o. weddin!. She's o*e at the ho.se a)(ost e*ey
day, .nnin! ao.nd and woyin! a&o.t e*ey )itt)e detai), fo( the ta&)e settin!s to the
f)owes to the (.si,. She wants to (a-e s.e that e*eythin! t.ns o.t D.st i!ht.B
Ni,o)e !ot a sad )oo- in he eyes, and said, BShe's a ni,e !i), that :athyn.B BShe's (oe
than ni,e,B I said. BI -now yo. don't -now he a)) that we)), &.t she's &een in yo. ,one
fo( the stat. ?hen yo. (o*ed o.t, and she saw how .pset I was, she to)d (e yo.'d &e
,o(in! &a,-. JO.' .,' she said. 'Ni,o)e has &een with yo. sin,e she was ei!hteen yeas
o)d. She needs to do thisCshe needs to find hese)fC &.t she')) &e &a,-'.B BThat's the
sa(e thin! I to)d yo.,B Ni,o)e said. B6.t when I to)d yo., yo. didn't &e)ie*e (e.B BA&o.t
,o(in! &a,-A 4o. ne*e said anythin! a&o.t ,o(in! &a,-AB BNoCa&o.t findin! (yse)f,B
she said. BI didn't -now who I was.B BAnd yo. -now who yo. ae nowAB BI'( !ettin! ,)ose,B
she said. B ?e)), anyway, )et's not !o thee,B I said. BA)) I was tyin! to te)) yo. is that
yo.'*e !ot a !ood fiend and a &i! fan in :athyn.B S.dden)y Ni,o)e was ,yin! and I
,o.)dn't fo the )ife of (e fi!.e o.t why that wo.)d .pset he. These &i! o)d teas wee
po.in! down he ,hee-s, and peop)e at the nei!h&oin! ta&)es wee ta-in! noti,e. B
?hat's won!AB I said, whispein!. BI wasn't tyin! to .pset yo..B BThat's not it,B she said.
BThen whatAB B5a,.s is not yo. fiend,B she said.
B ?hat do yo. (ean '5a,.s is not yo. fiend.' '?hat is that s.pposed to (eanAB She
)oo-ed at (e )i-e she ea))y wanted to say so(ethin! that she ,o.)dn't &in! hese)f to say
it, and then it hit (e. BDid so(ethin! happen &etween yo. and 5a,.sAB I as-ed. She p.t
he head down on the ta&)e and stated ,yin! )o.de. I fe)t )i-e the who)e esta.ant was
)oo-in! at .s, so I t.ned and si!na)ed fo the ,he,-. '?hen I t.ned &a,- to )oo- at Ni,o)e,
she was )iftin! he head off the ta&)e, sniff)in!, and .sin! the nap-in to dy he teas. She
)oo-ed at (e, a)) pitif.). B?hatAB I said. BSo(ethin! did happen with 5a,.s.B 5an, I')) te))
yo., anothe !.y wo.)d ha*e po&a&)y )ost it, &.t I didn't )ose it. I D.st shoo- (y head, -ind
of st.nned, and the &i)) ,a(e and I paid it and we went o.tside. I hadn't said a wod to he
the who)e ti(e. I was sti)) tyin! to po,ess what she'd D.st to)d (e. B ?hatAB she said, )i-e
she was s,aed of (e o so(ethin!. B4o.'e not !oin! to ta)- to (e nowAB BI')) ta)- to yo.
when I ,an thin- of so(ethin! to say.B I do*e he &a,- to the f.nea) ho(e, &e,a.se he
,a was sti)) in the pa-in! )ot, and I didn't say a wod to he the entie ti(e. 6.t when we
!ot thee, not ten (in.tes )ate, I ,.t the en!ine and .n)oaded on he. B?hy did yo. te))
(e this shit a&o.t yo. and 5a,.sAB I said. BI didn't need to -now this.B BI D.st tho.!ht yo.
sho.)d -now,B she said, sta((ein!. BHe petends to he yo. fiend, and then he foo)s
ao.nd with (e. And
I don't thin- it's i!ht that he -nows a&o.t so(ethin! that happened &etween .s and yo.
don't.B BHey, we'e not (aied any(oe, e(e(&eA 4o.'e sin!)e and he's sin!)e. The
on)y thin! I don't !et is why yo. did it. 4o.'e a)ways &it,hin! a&o.t peop)e ,heatin! and
f.,-in! ao.nd on ea,h othe, and hee yo. ae !ettin! it on with a !.y who's a&o.t to !et
(aied.B BI don't -now what I was thin-in!,B she said. BHe was so ni,e to (e, and he
a)ways )istened, and it D.st sot of happened.B BThat shit doesn't D.st happen,B I said. BI'(
soy.B BFo!et it. 4o. don't owe (e an apo)o!y. 4o. don't owe (e anythin!. 6.t I sti))
,an't .ndestand why yo. to)d (e. O what a)) yo. e/pe,t (e to do. It's not )i-e I'( !oin!
to ,an,e) thei weddin! o so(ethin!.B BNo, of ,o.se not.B B4o. -now what I'( !oin! to
doAB I said. BI'( not !oin! to do anythin!. This has nothin! to do with (e.B BDon't !et (ad,
O.'.B BI'( not (ad. I'( D.st te))in! yo.: ?e'e not (aied any(oe, Ni,o)e, and the eason
we'e not (aied is &e,a.se yo. didn't want to &e (aied.B BI'( soy.B BStop
apo)o!iFin!,B I said. BI'( D.st te))in! yo. how it is.B BSo what a( I s.pposed to do a&o.t
5a,.sAB BSeeCthee yo. !o a!ainH 4o.'e as-in! (e what to do. Can't yo. fi!.e it o.t
fo yo.se)fA Isn't that what yo. wantedA To !et o.t
fo( .nde (y shadowA To !o off and &e on yo. own and ha*e yo. own fiends and &e
yo. own pesonAB She was ,yin! a!ain. B6.t he -eeps ,a))in! (e.B BSo te)) hi( yo.'e
!oin! to te)) :athyn.B B4o. thin- I sho.)dAB BI &et that wo.)d stop hi( petty 0.i,-.B BI'(
soy,B she said a!ain. I too- a deep &eath. B4o. -now, Ni,o)e, this i!ht hee is why I'*e
&een a*oidin! yo.. E*ey ti(e we ta)-, so(ethin! ,o(es .p. 4o.'*e !ot a po&)e( with
this o a po&)e( with that, and yo. p.t e*eythin! on (e. 'He)p (e, O.'.H Fi/ this fo (e,
O.'.H' ?e)), I ,an't &e doin! that a)) the ti(e. 4o. as-ed (e to (o*e on, yo. wanted to
&ea- .s .p, and yo. !ot it. ?e'e &o-en .p and I'*e (o*ed on. O I'( tyin! to, anyway.B
She was ,yin! a!ain. BI'( a (ess, O.'.B B4o.'e not a (ess.B BCan I ,o(e to yo. ho.se
to see the -idsAB BNi,o)e, ,o(e on. They'e as)eep.B BI want to see the(.B BNo,B I said, &.t
I said it ni,e. BI'( ta-in! the( to Ee!as in the (onin!. 4o.')) see the( S.nday.B BO-ay,B
she said, wipin! he teas. She !ot o.t of the ,a and I waited .nti) she was in he own
,a, then I do*e ho(e. The -ids wee sti)) .p, past thei e!.)a &edti(e, and I !ot the( to
&.sh thei teeth and t.,-ed the( in. '.st as they wee fa))in! as)eep, so(eone &.FFed
(y font !ate. I went downstais. It was Ni,o)e.
B'?hat's .pAB I said. BI don't fee) )i-e &ein! a)one,B she said. BI (iss the -ids.B BThey'e
as)eep, Ni,o)e. And I'( tied. I'( !oin! to &ed.B BCan I D.st stay hee fo a )itt)eA +)easeAB If
yo. want to -now the t.th, I fe)t &ad fo he. E*en with a)) the theapy and a)) of these new
insi!hts and st.ff, it was o&*io.s she was sti)) ha*in! to.&)e !ettin! it to!ethe. ?e went
.pstais. The -ids wee fast as)eep. I stipped to (y .ndewea and !ot into (y side of the
&ed, ,aef.) not to wa-e the(. Ni,o)e )ay down on the fa side of the -ids, sayin! she
wo.)dn't stay )on!. I !.ess I (.st ha*e nodded off, &e,a.se the ne/t thin! I -new she was
standin! on (y side of the &ed, t.!!in! at (y a(. A (o(ent )ate I fo.nd (yse)f
fo))owin! he into the &edoo( ne/t doo, and a (o(ent afte that we wee (a-in! )o*e. It
was the fist ti (e we'd &een to!ethe sin,e the sp)it, and I was fee)in! a)) sots of fee)in!s
I wo.)d ha*e pefeed not to fee). Need)ess to say, it was a)) *ey ,onf.sin!.
3.
+ERIOD OF CONFUSION
I wo-e .p ea)y with Ni,o)e sti)) thee, fast as)eep. I fe)t petty &ad a&o.t the who)e thin!. I
was datin! +a.)a, and I hadn't wanted this to happen, and s.dden)y I fe)t )i-e one of those
foo)s that ties to (a-e a)) sots of phony e/,.ses fo s,ewin! .p. I wo-e Ni,o)e and to)d
he she had to )ea*e &efoe the -ids !ot .pCI didn't want the( to see he thee, and to te))
+a.)a a&o.t itCthen I wa)-ed he downstais and )et he o.t. I fe)t )o.sy. I was ,heatin! on
(y !i)fiend with (y e/;wife. How weid was thatA At noon, the -ids and I )eft fo the
aipot and went to Ee!as and had a wondef.) wee-end with +a.)a. I didn't te)) he a&o.t
Ni,o)e. If that (a-es (e a ,owad, and I !.ess it does, then I'( a ,owad. I D.stified it )i-e
a (i))ion !.ys D.stify these thin!s: It was a (ista-e. It wo.)d ne*e happen a!ain.
?hen I !ot &a,- to 7.A., Ni,o)e and I !ot into what I often thin- of as o. +eiod of
Conf.sion. This was ea)y Api), a (onth &efoe 5othe's Day, (oe than a yea &efoe
the (.des, and Ni,o)e petty (.,h &e!an sta)-in! (e. She wo.)d di*e &y the ho.se
)ate at ni!ht, and if +a.)a's t.,- wasn't o.t font she'd in! the &e)). 7i-e a foo), I wo.)d )et
he in. That thin! that wasn't s.pposed to happen a!ain was happenin! a!ainCtwo and
thee ti(es a wee-. It was (essin! (e .p. A)) the o)d fee)in!s wee ,o(in! &a,-, and I
-ept fi!htin! the(, &.t Ni,o)e was e)ent)ess a&o.t !ettin! (e &a,-. Sti)), whene*e she
&oa,hed the s.&De,t, I wo.)d ,.t he off. B ?e'e not !ettin! &a,-,B I said. B?e'e D.st
doin! this.B B ?hy ae we doin! this if yo. don't ha*e fee)in!s fo (eAB BI ne*e said I didn't
ha*e fee)in!s fo yo.. I said we ween't !ettin! &a,-.B B6.tCB B7isten to (e: I don't want to
ta)- a&o.t it. This is what we'e doin! and it's a)) we'e doin!. Thee's no f.t.e in it.B
So(eti(es, afte we (ade )o*e, we'd )ie thee side &y side, and Ni,o)e wo.)d ta)- a&o.t
he theapy. Thin!s wee !oin! we)), she said, and she was )eanin! a !eat dea) a&o.t
hese)f. She !ot into a)) sots of psy,ho&a&&)e a&o.t he ,hi)dhood, and B.nfinished
&.siness,B and a&o.t the an!e inside he. I )istened &e,a.se she wanted (e to )isten,
and so(e of it see(ed to (a-e sense, &.t at the end of the day it ea))y wasn't an iss.e
fo (e. If she &e)ie*ed she was !ettin! &ette, that was a !ood thin!Cand she ,etain)y
see(ed to &e)ie*e. B 5y theapist says I )i-e o &e an! y,B she said. yo..B
B4eahAB BShe says I )oo- fo to.&)e &e,a.se it (a-es (e fee) a)i*e,B she e/p)ained.
B?e'*e &een tyin! to fi!.e o.t whee this ,o(es fo(, so we'*e &een ta)-in! a )ot a&o.t
(y ,hi)dhood.B BSo what ha*e yo. fi!.ed o.tAB BNot a )ot yet,B Ni,o)e said. BThis an!e
thin! is (ost)y .n,ons,io.s.B It (i!ht ha*e &een .n,ons,io.s, &.t I'd seen p)enty of it o*e
the yeasCespe,ia))y in the peiod )eadin! .p to the sp)it. Ni,o)e ,o.)d (i/ it .p with
anyoneCa &o.n,e at a ,).&, so(e assho)e at the !y(, a ,)ose fiendCo*e a&so).te)y
nothin!. Ni,o)e was a)ways )oo-in! to (a-e ene(ies, and she had fina))y t.ned (e, the
peson she was ,)osest to, into Ene(y N.(&e One. I was !)ad she was ta)-in! a&o.t this
st.ff with he theapist. I e(e(&e thin-in! that it wo.)d ha*e &een ni,e if she'd fi!.ed
so(e of this shit o.t &efoe the (aia!e fe)) apat. I didn't say so, tho.!h. Instead, I said,
BThat's !ood. I'( !)ad yo. fo.nd a theapist yo. )i-e.B D.in! this ti(e, this +eiod of
Conf.sion, we stated spendin! a )itt)e (oe ti(e with the -ids, espe,ia))y when +a.)a was
o.t of town, whi,h was petty often. It was a,t.a))y -ind of p)easant, (ay&e too p)easant,
and on,e a!ain Ni,o)e &e!an to dop hints a&o.t !ettin! &a,- to!ethe. I didn't .ndestand
it. She'd !one o.t to Bfind hese)f,B as she p.t it, and a)) she'd fo.nd is that she wanted (e
&a,-. I ,a))ed he (othe one day and as-ed he what was !oin! on. BI'( ea))y ,onf.sed,B
I said. BI'( not,B she said. BI ne*e tho.!ht Ni,o)e wanted to )ea*e
I ,a))ed he &est fiend, Coa Fish(an, and she to)d (e the sa(e thin!. BShe )o*es yo.,
O.'. She was D.st dea)in! with he own iss.es and she )et thin!s !et o.t of hand. 6.t I
honest)y don't thin- she e*e i(a!ined it wo.)d )ead to di*o,e.B BI spent (onths tyin! to
ta)- he o.t of it,B I said. BShe had p)enty of oppot.nities to ,han!e he (ind.B BShe didn't
-now what she wanted,B Coa said. BShe was ,onf.sed.B B>eatHB I said. BNow she's not
,onf.sed and I'( (oe ,onf.sed than e*e.B BRon wants to ta)- to yo.,B she said. BHo)d on
a (in.te.B I he)d on, and Ron, Coa's h.s&and, ,a(e on the )ine. BHow yo. doin!, O.'.AB
he as-ed. BI don't -now. 7i-e I to)d Coa, I'( petty ,onf.sed.B BSo yo.'*e ta)-ed with heAB
B ?ith Ni,o)eA 4eah, of ,o.se I'*e ta)-ed to he. That's a)) we'*e &een doin!Cta)-in!.B
BA&o.t e*eythin!AB he as-ed, and it so.nded )i-e he was fishin!. Then s.dden)y it hit (e.
B4o. (ean a&o.t 5a,.sAB I said. B?ow,B he said, ta-en a&a,-. BShe to)d yo. a&o.t
5a,.sAB B4eah, Ron. She to)d (e a&o.t 5a,.s.B B>ood,B he said. B6e,a.se, yo. -now,
I wanted to (a-e s.e e*eythin! was o.t in the open. That's the -ind of thin! whee, yo.
-now, yo. find o.t a&o.t it )ate and it f.,-s e*eythin! .p.B B ?e)) it's o.t in the open,
(an.B
I then ,a))ed (y own (othe to te)) he what was !oin! on, hopin! she (i!ht &e a&)e to
he)p (e shed a )itt)e )i!ht on the sit.ation. BHow do yo. fee) a&o.t itAB she as-ed. BI
honest)y don't -now how I fee),B I said. B?hen we'e to!ethe, I see how happy the -ids
ae, and that (a-es (e happy, &.t I don't -now that anythin! has ,han!ed. I don't -now
that she's ,han!ed.B And (y (othe said, BO.'., .nti) yo. fi!.e this thin! o.t, yo.'e not
!oin! &e a&)e to (o*e fowad with yo. )ife. 4o. won't &e a&)e to ,o((it to a e)ationship
with anothe wo(an. 4o. ,an't !o on )i-e this. 4o. ha*e to !et ,)ea on yo. fee)in!s fo
Ni,o)e.B +a.)a was away a!ain, on anothe (ode)in! Do&, so I ,a))ed Ni,o)e and as-ed he
if she was fee that wee-end. This was in )ate Api) 1883. ?e went to Ca&o and had a
*ey ni,e wee-end. It was D.st the two of .s, with no dista,tions, and I fe)t )i-e I was in
)o*e with he a)) o*e a!ain. ?hen we !ot &a,-, I was (oe ,onf.sed than e*e. I was
tyin! to fi!.e o.t if I was ea))y in )o*e, o if I D.st )o*ed the fa,t that she was despeate to
!et (e &a,-. I ,o.)dn't he)p it. If yo. !et d.(ped &y so(eone, it fee)s petty !ood when
they ,o(e ,aw)in! &a,-. They'e te))in! yo. that they'*e s,ewed .p, and that they'*e
)o*ed yo. a)) a)on!. The ne/t day, whi)e I was st.!!)in! to (a-e sense of this, she ,a(e
&y to !et the -ids. They wee o.t &a,-, in the poo). ?hen I went to answe the doo,
Ni,o)e ea,hed .p and !a*e (e a )itt)e wife)y -iss, then we wa)-ed tho.!h the ho.se,
headin! fo the poo). She saw the pi,t.es of +a.)a a!ain, and (ade a nasty e(a-,
and it ea))y pissed (e off. I !.ess she tho.!ht o. wee-end in Ca&o (eant I was eady to
wa)- down the ais)e with he that *ey aftenoon, and that &y this ti(e I sho.)d ha*e
d.(ped &oth +a.)a and he pi,t.es. BThat was .n,a))ed fo,B I said. BI don't want yo.
hee.B BFine,B she said. She went o.t &a,-, !ot the -ids o.t of the poo), and sp)it. I tho.!ht,
>eat. She (ade it easy. If I was a,t.a))y thin-in! a&o.t e,on,i)in!Cif I was a,t.a))y
,aFy eno.!h to thin- a&o.t e,on,i)in!CI don't ha*e to thin- a&o.t it any(oe. Two days
)ate, she ,a))ed to apo)o!iFe. She had dis,.ssed the in,ident with he theapist, she said,
and he theapist had to)d he that she'd &een ,o(p)ete)y in the won!. B?e had an
a(aFin! wee-end, so I was hopin! that e*eythin! wo.)d (a!i,a))y !o &a,- to the way it
.sed to &e,B she e/p)ained. BThat was a (ista-e. I'( soy.B BFine,B I said. Fo the ne/t
,o.p)e of wee-s, we -ept o. distan,e, &.t thee was no denyin! I had ston! fee)in!s fo
he. I a)so had ston! fee)in!s fo +a.)a, howe*e, and that e)ationship was (.,h )ess
*o)ati)e, so I wasn't a&o.t to (a-e any &i! ,han!esC(y )ife was !ood. Then one (onin!,
a stan!e thin! happened. +a.)a was in town, and she had spent the ni!ht, and we wee
.p ea)y &e,a.se I was )ea*in! fo Ca&o that (onin!. '.st as I finished pa,-in!, the )i (o
p.))ed .p o.tside and I )oo-ed o.t the window. The !.ys I was !oin! to Ca&o with wee a))
thee. They !ot o.t to stet,h thei )e!s and )oo-ed .p at the window and wa*ed.
+a.)a and I went downstais and said he))o to the !.ys, then she -issed (e !ood&ye, !ot
into he t.,-, and do*e o.t the Ro,-in!ha( !ate. Not a (in.te )ate, as I was p.ttin! (y
&a!s in the )i(o, Ni,o)e p.))ed .p on the Ashfod side of the ho.se. The two wo(en had
)itea))y D.st (issed ea,h othe. I )oo-ed o*e at (y fiends, and they )oo-ed at (e, a)) &i!;
eyed and e*eythin!: O.'. that was too ,)ose fo ,o(fotH Ni,o)e !ot o.t of he ,a and
wandeed o*e, s(i)in! a fiend)y s(i)e. She was weain! !o)f shoes, ,)i,-;,)i,- ,)i,-in!
down the di*eway, and it st.,- (e as petty f.nny. >o)f had ne*e &een he thin!, &.t
she'd stated ta-in! )essons e,ent)y to show (e that that she was inteested in the sa(e
thin!s I was inteested in. Ni,o)e !a*e (e an .ne/pe,ted pe,- on the ,hee-, said hi to
e*eyone, and noti,ed the )i(o. BIt )oo-s )i-e yo. !.ys ae !oin! o.t of town,B she said. B
?e ae,B I said. B?e'e !oin! to Ca&o to do a )itt)e !o)fin!.B BSo.nds )i-e f.n,B she said.
Anyway, the )i(o was waitin!, and we said !ood&ye and too- off, and on the way to the
aipot the !.ys i&&ed (e a&o.t that *ey ,)ose ,a)). I e(e(&e te))in! the( a )itt)e &it
a&o.t (y ,onf.sed o(anti, )ife. I was ,aFy a&o.t +a.)a, I said, &.t Ni,o)e had &een
p.s.in! (e petty e)ent)ess)y )ate)y. BIt's (a-in! (e a )itt)e ,aFy,B I said. One of the !.ys
said, BI wish I had yo. po&)e(s,B and e*eyone )a.!hed. Anyway, we !ot to Ca&o and hit
the )in-s and I fo!ot a)) (y po&)e(s !o)f is petty (a!i,a) that wayC&.t that e*enin! I
!ot
a ,a)) fo( Ni,o)e. She said she was ,o(in! to Ca&o, too, with he fiend Faye Resni,-,
who( I'd ne*e (et, and she to)d (e that she was &in!in! the -ids. The ne/t day, )i-e a
!ood e/;h.s&and, I went to pi,- (y fa(i)y .p at the aipot, and I dopped the( at this ti
(e;shae they'd &oo-ed. Fo the ne/t few days, I sh.tt)ed &a,- and foth &etween (y
fiends and (y fa(i)y, enDoyin! (y ti(e on the )in-s, &.t a)so enDoyin! han!in! at the
&ea,h with the -ids, and ta-in! the( Det;s-iin! and st.ff. ?hen it was ti(e to head &a,- to
7.A., Ni,o)e said, B?hy ae yo. )ea*in!A ?hy don't yo. stay fo a few (oe daysAB And
(y -ids piped in: B4eah, DadH +)ease don't !oH ?e'*e &een ha*in! s.,h a !eat ti(eHB I
tho.!ht a&o.t thisCI didn't ha*e a)) that (.,h to do in 7.A., and +a.)a was away on so(e
(ode)in! !i! and wo.)dn't &e &a,- ti)) ea)y the fo))owin! wee-Cso I de,ided to han!
tho.!h the wee-end. It was *ey ni,e. Fo the ne/t few days, we wee )i-e a e!.)a
fa(i)yCswi((in! and p)ayin! and eatin! (ea)s to!ethe and D.st fo!ettin! a&o.t the ea)
wo)d. Faye h.n! o.t with .s, too. She was datin! this !.y, Chistian Rei,hadt, a
,hiopa,to, &.t they wee sot of on the o.ts. Fo( what I o*ehead d.in! he (any
phone ,on*esations with hi(, so(e of whi,h !ot petty heated, Faye see(ed to ha*e a
)itt)e iss.e with d.!s, whi,h she appaent)y didn't ,onside a po&)e(. ?hene*e these
,a))s ended, .s.a))y petty a&.pt)y, Faye wo.)d t.n to Ni,o)e and te)) he that the po&)e(
in the e)ationship wasn't heC it was Chistian. I tho.!ht that was -ind of a(.sin!,
&e,a.se that was petty (.,h the way Ni,o)e had fe)t a&o.t o. e)ationship. She was
pefe,t, and I ?as the f.,-.p . I a)(ost said so(ethin!
a&o.t it, &.t I &it (y ton!.e. ?e wee ha*in! a !ood ti(e and I didn't want to .in it. The
)ast ni!ht we wee thee, Faye was &a,- on the phone with Rei,hadt, ,yin!. Appaent)y,
he was wi))in! to ta-e anothe shot at (a-in! the e)ationship wo-, &.t he wasn't s.e he
wanted he to (o*e &a,- in with hi(. On,e a!ain, it so.nded eei)y si(i)a to (y own
sit.ation. It a)so (ade (e thin- a&o.t the fa,t that a)) e)ationships ae (essy, and that
e*eyone s.ffes tho.!h thei fai shae of painCand so(eti(es (oe than thei fai
shae. The (oe I tho.!ht a&o.t that, espe,ia))y !i*en the ta)- I'd e,ent)y had with (y
(othe, the (oe I &e!an to thin- that (ay&e Ni,o)e was i!ht a&o.t .s. ?e'd had
so(ethin! spe,ia), and if we wanted it &ad)y eno.!h we ,o.)d ha*e it a!ain. She -ept
ha((ein! at this d.in! those few days in Ca&o: ?e wee a !eat ,o.p)e, she said. The
-ids had ne*e see(ed happie. She'd )eaned a !eat dea) in the si/teen (onths we'*e
&een apat. It fina))y !ot to (e. This was in 5ay 1883, and that S.nday was 5othe's Day.
?e wee sti)) in Ca&o, !ettin! eady to f)y ho(e the fo))owin! day, and I fina))y &o-e down
and to)d Ni,o)e that I was wi))in! to !i*e the e)ationship anothe ty. 6.t I (ade (yse)f
,)ea on one thin!. BI ,an't ha*e yo. (o*in! &a,- into the ho.se,B I said. BThat's not !oin!
to happen. I'( not !oin! to ha*e the -ids (o*e in, then (o*e o.t a!ain if it doesn't wo-.
They'*e (o*ed eno.!h, and it's too dis.pti*eCand I'( not !oin! to p.t the( tho.!h that
-ind of ta.(a a!ain.B Ni,o)e tho.!ht this (ade pefe,t sense, &.t she had ,on,ens of
he own. BI don't want to &e in a position whee we ha*e one a!.(ent and yo. te)) (e it's
o*e,B she said.
I tho.!ht this was a !ood point. B?e)), o-ay,B I said. B?hat do yo. s.!!estAB BIf we'e
!oin! to ,o((it to this, we need to ,o((it fo a f.)) yea.B I tho.!ht a&o.t that, too, and it
see(ed easona&)e. It was D.st one yea, &.t a yea that ,o.)d a)te the ,o.se of the est
of o. )i*es Ches, (ine, and the -ids'. BO-ay,B I said. B4o.'*e !ot a dea).B BNo (atte
what happens, yo. sti,- with itAB she as-ed. B4es,B I said. BNo (atte what happens, I
sti,- with it.B BAnd if it wo-s fo a who)e yeaAB BIf it wo-s fo a who)e yea, yo.')) (o*e
&a,- into the ho.se and we')) e(ay,B I said. Ni,o)e was so e/,ited that she ,a))ed he
(othe, '.ditha, and to)d he what had happened. '.ditha as-ed to ta)- to (e, and I !ot
on the phone and (ade )i!ht of the sit.ation. BI'( not ea))y s.e a&o.t this )itt)e
aan!e(ent, &.t I !.ess yo. da.!hte thin-s it's !oin! to wo-,B I said. '.ditha to)d (e
she was hopef.), too. The day afte we et.ned to 7.A., +a.)a !ot &a,- to town. I ,a))ed
he and to)d he I had (ade dinne p)ans fo .s, and I went and pi,-ed he .p and too-
he to 7e Do(e, a fan,y esta.ant in ?est Ho))ywood, on S.nset 6o.)e*ad. I to)d he
what had happened in Ca&o, and I &o-e the news to he as !ent)y as possi&)e. +a.)a was
not e/a,t)y thi))ed, as yo. ,an i(a!ine. BDon't e/pe,t (e to &e waitin! fo yo.,B she said.
BThe )ast thin! I want to do is h.t yo.,B I said. B6.t I honest)y fee) )i-e I'*e !ot o !i*e this a
ty. I'( sti)) *ey ,onf.sed a&o.t
the who)e thin!, and I need to -now if it's !oin! to wo-. I don't want to spend the est of
(y )ife wondein! if I s,ewed .p (y who)e fa(i)y. I owe it to (yse)f, and I owe it
espe,ia))y to (y -ids.B +a.)a went -ind of 0.iet on (e. She was the opposite of Ni,o)e.
?hen Ni,o)e !ot (ad, she !ot hot and &otheed. ?hen +a.)a !ot (ad, she went ,o)d and
0.iet. I do*e he ho(e, fee)in! &ad, and she didn't in*ite (e in. To &e honest with yo., I
didn't -now if thin!s wee !oin! to wo- o.t with Ni,o)e, &.t in (y heat I fe)t I had to !i*e it
an honest shot. In a way, I sti)) )o*ed Ni,o)e, and I wanted the &est fo o. -ids. At fist,
thin!s went petty easi)y. I was in New 4o- fo a !ood pat of the s.((e, wo-in!, and
when I ,a(e ho(e it was a)ways *ey p)easant, sot of )i-e a fa(i)y e.nion. So(eti(es I
wo.)d spend the ni!ht at Ni,o)e's p)a,e, on >etna >een, and so(eti(es she and the
-ids wo.)d stay with (e, on Ro,-in!ha(. In was a pefe,t aan!e(ent. I had a fa(i)y,
&.t I )i*ed a)one. How ,an yo. &eat thatA 6efoe the end of the s.((e, tho.!h, Ni,o)e
&e!an p.ttin! a )itt)e pess.e on (e a&o.t (o*in! &a,- into Ro,-in!ha(, and I e(inded
he that we had a!eed to ty it fo a f.)) yea &efoe (a-in! that ,o((it(ent. She -new
that, of ,o.se, &.t he )ease was .nnin! o.t at the end of the yea, and she didn't want to
(o*e a!ain. It was had to find a de,ent enta), she said, and the few p)a,es that wee
a*ai)a&)e wee in,edi&)y e/pensi*e. I to)d he she sho.)d ,onside &.yin! a p)a,e. If she
ended .p (o*in! &a,- into Ro,-in!ha(, she ,o.)d teat the new p)a,e as an in*est(ent,
and
ea) estate on the west side of 7os An!e)es was a)ways a so)id in*est(ent. It was !ood
ad*i,e, &.t it wasn't what she wanted to hea. She'd !o off, po.tin!, and fo a few days I
wo.)dn't hea a wod a&o.t it. 6.t &efoe )on!, it &e!an a!ain: B?hy ,an't we D.st (o*e
&a,- in, O.'.A This is si))y. 4o. -now we'e !oin! to &e )i*in! to!ethe soon eno.!h.B
?hene*e she !ot too p.shy a&o.t it, I'd &asi,a))y a*oid he .nti) she !ot the (essa!e:
Stop ho.ndin! (e. ?e had a dea). Hono the dea). It was a pain in the ass, to &e honest,
and I !ot tied of the end)ess &i,-ein!, &.t at )east she had eno.!h se)f;,onto) to -eep it
fo( t.nin! into a f.));&)own a!.(ent. In the fa)), we !ot an enfo,ed &ea- fo( ea,h
othe, whi,h was po&a&)y a !ood thin!. It was foot&a)) season, and I went off to do (y TE
ana)yst thin! with 6o& Costas and 5i-e Dit-a. She stayed in 7.A., ta-in! ,ae of the -ids,
and sti)) o&sessin! a&o.t ha*in! to (o*e. She was a)so spendin! a )ot of ti(e with he
fiendsCpeop)e she'd stated han!in! o.t with soon afte we sepaatedCand I'( not
!oin! to &eat ao.nd the &.sh: I didn't )i-e the(. +eiod. I wasn't a)) that ,aFy a&o.t Faye
Resni,-, who appaent)y had a )itt)e d.! po&)e(, I ,etain)y didn't )i-e :eith I)o(sowit,h,
with who( she'd had he )itt)e Ba,,identa)B f)in!, and I wasn't wi)d a&o.t the est of the
!an!, eithe. I had (et a few of the( ao.nd town, (ost)y e,ent)y, when Ni,o)e and I
wee o.t and a&o.t, and (ost of the( see(ed )i-e petty (a!ina) ,haa,tes. I tho.!ht a
few of the( )i*ed a )itt)e too ,)ose to the ed!e. They see(ed to &e (i/ed ti p in a)) sots of
shady st.ff, and one of' the( C6ett Canto, a
waite at 5eFFa).na, a esta.ant i!ht thee in the heat of 6entwoodChad &een -nifed
to death ea)ie that s.((e. The (.de e(ained .neso)*ed, &.t thee wee .(os it
was d.!e)ated. BI don't -now what yo. see in those peop)e,B I to)d Ni,o)e one ni!ht.
BThey'e (y fiends,B she said. BThey'e ni,e.B I didn't thin- that was an a,,.ate
des,iption. BI don't want those peop)e ao.nd the -ids,B I said. B'es.s, O.'. Cthey'e (y
fiends. 4o. (a-e the( so.nd )i-e ,i(ina)s.B B5ay&e they ae ,i(ina)s,B I said. B5ay&e
yo. sho.)d ta-e a ,)ose )oo-.B I -ept ta*e)in!, !enea))y on &.siness, and when I !ot
ho(e (y fist pioity was a)ways the -ids. I was sti)) tyin! to (a-e thin!s wo- with
Ni,o)e, of ,o.se, &.t thee wasn't a)) that (.,h ti (e fo o(an,e, andCto &e honestCI'd
)ost so(e of (y enth.sias( fo it. I don't -now what it was, e/a,t)y. I !.ess I didn't thin- it
,o.)d wo-, and I didn't )i-e he (a!ina) fiends, and I didn't thin- she'd )eaned a)) that
(.,h in theapy, to &e &.ta))y fan-. I was a)so si,- of tied of a!.in! a&o.t o. )i*in!
aan!e(ent. B7et's p)ease don't ta)- a&o.t (o*in! &a,- into Ro,-in!ha( .nti) we'*e done
o. yea,B I epeated. B4o. (a-e it so.nd )i-e a pison senten,eHB BNi,o)e, ,o(e on. 4o.
-now what I'( sayin!.B B5y )ease is .nnin! o.t in a few (onths, O.'., and the
Ro,-in!ha( ho.se is e(pty ha)f the ti(e. I don't .ndestand this.B
B?e had a dea).B BCan't we ,han!e itAB BNot .nti) we -now that thin!s ae wo-in! o.t.B BI
thin- thin!s ae wo-in! o.t,B she said. B5ay&e they ae,B I said. B6.t it's ea)y yet.B I was a
)on! way fo( thin-in! that thin!s wee wo-in! o.t, to te)) yo. the t.th. A)) that ta)- a&o.t
theapy and seein! the eo of he ways and a,,eptin! esponsi&i)ity was fine, &.t on
,)ose inspe,tion it see(ed )i-e it was (ost)y ta)-. I didn't see that Ni,o)e had ea))y
,han!ed a)) that (.,h. She was tyin! hadCthat was o&*io.sC&.t she was sti)) the
sa(e Ni,o)e she'd &een when e*eythin! stated !oin! to he)). She sti)) had that hot
te(pe, and that an!e, and that i(patien,e. And she was sti)) &)a(in! (e fo a)) he
to.&)es: 4o. ha*e that &i! ho.se on Ro,-in!ha(. I need a p)a,e to )i*e. 4o. won't )et (e
and the -ids (o*e in. She was (a-in! (e the hea*y, and I didn't )i-e it. 6.t I'd ,o((itted
to a f.)) yea and I was dete(ined to hono (y ,o((it(ent. The yea had &e!.n on
5othe's Day 1883, and we wee on)y ha)f way thee. Thee wee !ood days, too, tho.!h
Cdon't !et (e won!. Ti(es when we'd &e han!in! o.t with the -ids, ha*in! f.n, o
wa-in! .p at (y p)a,e in the (onin!, D.st a &i! happy fa(i)yCthe fa(i)y we'd a)ways
i(a!ined fo o.se)*es. On those days, I a,t.a))y )et (yse)f &e)ie*e that thin!s wee !oin!
to wo- o.t, and it ,o)oed e*eythin!. 7ife is !ood. Ni,o)e is teifi,. ?e'e !oin! to (a-e
it. D.in! this peiod, Ni,o)e's one &i! &eef, whi,h she -ept ha((ein! at, (e,i)ess)y,
was this &.siness a&o.t the ho.se: ?hy wasn't I eady w )et he (o*e ha,- inA And (y
&i! &eef, whi,h I
a)so -ept ha((ein!, e0.a))y (e,i)ess)y, was a&o.t he so;,a))ed fiendsCpeop)e that
definite)y .&&ed (e the won! way. Those wee the two (aDo po&)e( aeas, and we
&i,-eed a&o.t the(, so(eti(es to a point of e/ha.stion, &.t we ne*e )et the &i,-ein!
!et o.t of hand. And in fa,t, whene*e thin!s )oo-ed )i-e they (i!ht &)ow .p, I'd find
(yse)f Dettin! off on &.siness. I'd !o to Ta(pa o At)anta, say, to inte*iew ath)etes fo the
show, o to New 4o-, fo (y e!.)a netwo- !i!, and &ein! away fo( he and o.
po&)e(s was a ea) e)ief. ?hen I ,a(e ho(e, I a)ways appe,iated he (oe, tho.!h,
&e,a.se I'd (issed he, &.t within days I fe)t )i-e I was wa)-in! on e!!she))s. I didn't want
to ha*e any (oe a!.(ents. I didn't want to hea any (oe shit a&o.t o. )i*in!
aan!e(ents. I didn't want to )isten to any (oe stoies a&o.t he assho)e fiends. 7.,-i)y,
I !ot ,ast in the Na-ed >.n se0.e), and that -ept (e &.sy. ?e saw )ess of ea,h othe and
a!.ed )ess as a es.)t, and fo a whi)e it wo-ed !eat. 7i-e a )ot of peop)e, we !ot a)on! a
he)) of a )ot &ette when we wee apat, and when we wee to!ethe we ne*e had 0.ite
eno.!h ti(e to !et into anythin! too seio.s o da(a!in!. One day, tho.!h, on the set of
the (o*ie, I an into a !i) who was a stand;in fo Anna Ni,o)e S(ith, and she and I !ot to
ta)-in!. She &e!an to te)) (e a&o.t so(e of the wi)d paties she'd &een to e,ent)y, and
how she was a)ways .nnin! into Ni,o)e with he )itt)e ento.a!eCa !o.p she des,i&ed
as Ba petty o.!h ,owd.B And s.dden)y, I was thin-in!, Now that's weid. This stand;in
was &asi,a))y a pat;ti(e hoo-eC1 &e)ie*e she wo-ed with Heidi
F)eiss, the so;,a))ed Ho))ywood 5ada(Cand she and thee of he )itt)e !i)fiends )ate
wote a &oo- a&o.t thei e/peien,es, 4o.')) Ne*e 5a-e 7o*e in This Town A!ain. 6.t
hee she was, a ,a)) !i), te))in! (e that (y e/;wife was patyin! with a Bo.!h ,owd.B I
was petty .pset, as yo. ,an i(a!ine, and afte the shoot I do*e o*e to Ni,o)e's ho.se
and ead he the iot a,t. BI tho.!ht I waned yo. a&o.t these peop)e,B I said. BI'*e to)d yo.
a (i))ion ti(es: I didn't want the( ao.nd the -ids.B BThey'e not ao.nd the -ids,B she
said, whi,h t.ned o.t to &e a )ie. BAnd I don't -now what yo. ha*e a!ainst the(. They'e
ni,e peop)e. They'e (y fiends.B B4o. &ette open yo. eyes, Ni,o)e. Ni,e peop)e don't !o
ao.nd !ettin! the(se)*es -nifed to death. Ni,e peop)e don't do had d.!s. Ni,e peop)e
don't t.n into whoes.B B ?hee ae yo. !ettin! yo. info(ationAB she snapped. BI D.st
-now, o-ayAB I said. BI -now a&o.t the wi)d paties. I -now a&o.t Heidi's !i)s. And I -now
a&o.t these f.,-in! d.!!ies.B B4o.'e ,aFy.B BThis is not what's s.pposed to &e
happenin! in (y )ife, Ni,o)e. ?e'*e &een &a,- to!ethe fo fi*e (onths and yo.'e f.,-in!
e*eythin! .p wose than e*e. ?hy is this shit sti)) !oin! onA ?hat ae yo. doin! whi)e
I'( in New 4o- and ta*e)in! a)) o*e the p)a,e and &.stin! (y ass wo-in!A I don't want
to hea this &ad shit a&o.t yo., and I don't want to find o.t yo.'e )ettin! these peop)e nea
(y -ids.B I )eft, sti)) stea(ed as he)), with Ni,o)e sti)) ho))ein! at (e, &.t I ,o.)dn't hea
what she was sayin!, and at that point I didn't ea))y ,ae.
?hen I !ot &a,- to Ro,-in!ha(, the phone was in!in! as I ,a(e tho.!h the doo. I
)oo-ed at the ,a))e I.D. and saw it was Ni,o)e, so I didn't pi,- .p. 6.t she -ept ,a))in! and
I fina))y had to answe. B?hatAHB I &a-ed. B ?hy did yo. )ea*e )i-e thatAB B6e,a.se I was
pissedHB B4o. ,o((itted to a yea, O.'. It's on)y &een fi*e (onths.B BI -now I ,o((itted to
a yeaH ?ho said anythin! a&o.t thatAB BNo&ody, &.t yo. see(ed an!y. I didn't want yo.
to &e an!y.B BHow ,an I not &e an!yAB B+)ease ,o(e &a,- hee.B B?hat foAB BSo we ,an
ta)- a&o.t it.B I went &a,- to the ho.se, and to &e honest with yo. I was sti)) an!y. I -ept
!oin! on a&o.t these ,i(ina)s she was han!in! ao.nd with, and these tashy wo(en,
and I to)d he she had to wise .p and )oo- fo &ette fiends. I thin- I -ind of wo-ed (yse)f
into a fenFyCit was a)) D.st po.in! o.t of (eCand I !.ess she !ot s,aed o so(ethin!
&e,a.se she went .pstais and )o,-ed hese)f in the &edoo(. I fo))owed he .p and
&an!ed on the doo. B7et (e inHB I said. BNoHB B4o. ,a))ed (e to ,o(e &a,- hee, and now
yo. )o,- (e o.tAHB B4o.'e s,ain! (e.B B'.st open the f.,-in! dooHB
BStop &an!in!, O.'. +)easeH 4o.')) wa-e the -idsHB B ?hy didn't yo. thin- of that &efoe yo.
da!!ed (e &a,- heeAH ?hy did yo. da! (e &a,- hee, anywayAH So we ,o.)d a!.e
a&o.t this shitHB In the (idd)e of this, :ato showed .p, so I stated *entin! to hi(. I didn't
ea)iFe that Ni,o)e had ,a))ed the po)i,e, and that I was ta)-in! so )o.d)y they wee a&)e to
pi,- so(e of it .p on the 811 tape. BThis !odda(n wo(anHB I to)d :ato. BShe's !ot d.!
addi,ts and hoo-es han!in! ao.nd (y -ids, and I'( pissed a&o.t it.B I went &a,- and
&an!ed on the doo a!ain. B?hy is this doo )o,-ed, Ni,o)eAH 4o. as-ed (e to ,o(e &a,-
hee, and I'( heeHB I went &a,- downstais and -ept *entin! at :ato: BShe -eeps te))in!
(e she wants to (a-e this wo-, and she -eeps te))in! (e she's !ettin! he shit to!ethe,
&.t she's a )on! way fo( !ettin! he shit to!etheHB 5eanwhi)e, she (ade two ,a))s to
811, &a,- to &a,-:
NICO7E:
DIS+ATCHER: NICO7E:
Do yo. ha*e a estainin! ode a!ainst hi(A ?hat's yo. na(eA And yo. addessA
O-ay, we')) send the po)i,e o.t. Uh;h.h.
No. Ni,o)e Si(pson. 3#2 >etna >een ?ay. Than- yo..
DIS+ATCHER: NICO7E:
DIS+ATCHER: NICO7E:
DIS+ATCHER: NICO7E:
DIS+ATCHER:
I !.ess at this point she !ot off the phone fo a (in.teG then she !ot i(patient and ,a))ed
&a,-.
NICO7E:
Co.)d yo. !et so(e&ody o*e hee now, to >etna ?hat does he )oo- )i-eA
>een. He's &a,-. +)easeA
DIS+ATCHER: NICO7E:
He's O.' Si(pson. I thin- yo. -now his e,od. Co.)d ?hat is he doin! theeA
Can yo. send so(eone to (y ho.seA ?hat's the po&)e( theeA 5y e/;h.s&and has D.st
&o-en into (y ho.se and he's Has he &een din-in! o anythin!A And yo. said he hasn't
&een din-in!A Did he hit yo.A
yo. D.st send so(e&ody o*e heeA
DIS+ATCHER: NICO7E:
DIS+ATCHER: NICO7E:
antin! and a*in! o.tside the font yad.
DIS+ATCHER: NICO7E:
He D.st do*e .p a!ain. LCyin!.M Co.)d yo. D.st send so(e&ody o*eA ?ait a (in.te.
?hat -ind of ,a is he inA
DIS+ATCHER: NICO7E:
No. 6.t he's ,aFy. No. No.
DIS+ATCHER: NICO7E:
He's in a white 6on,o, &.t fist of a)) he &o-e the &a,- doo down to !et in. ?ait a
(in.te. ?hat's yo. na(eA O-ay, is he the spots,aste o whate*eA Ni,o)e Si(pson.
:
DIS+ATCHER: NICO7E:
DIS+ATCHER : NICO7E:
.
DIS+ATCHER
NICO7E:
4eah. Than- yo.. ?ait a (in.te, we'e sendin! po)i,e. ?hat is he
DIS+ATCHER: NICO7E:
O-ay, Ni,o)eA Is he o.tdoosA He's in the &a,-yadA O-ay. ?hat is he sayin!A
DIS+ATCHER:
Uh;h.h. He's in the &a,-yad. S,ea(in! at (y oo((ate a&o.t (e and at (e.
doin!A Is he theatenin! yo.A
NICO7E:
DIS+ATCHER: NICO7E:
He's f.,-in! !oin! n.ts. LCyin! a!ain.M Has he theatened yo. in any way o is he D.st
DIS+ATCHER:
DIS+ATCHER: NICO7E:
haassin! yo.A
NICO7E:
4o.'e !oin! to hea hi( in a (in.te. He's a&o.t to O-ay, D.st stay on the )ine . . .
DIS+ATCHER: NICO7E:
,o(e in a!ain.
DIS+ATCHER: NICO7E:
Oh, so(ethin! a&o.t so(e !.y I -now and hoo-es and :eith and I stated this shit &efoe
and .. . U(;h.( . And it's a)) (y fa.)t and BNow what a( I !oin! to do,
I don't want to stay on the )ine. He's !oin! to &eat the
DIS+ATCHER: NICO7E:
shit o.t of (e. DIS+ATCHER: ?ait a (in.te, D.st stay on the )ine so we ,an -now what's
!oin! on .nti) the po)i,e !et thee, o-ayA O-ay, Ni,o)eA
NICO7E:
!et the po)i,e in thisB and the who)e thin!. It's a)) (y fa.)t, I stated this &efoe, &othe.
DIS+ATCHER: NICO7E:
Uh;h.h. '.st a (o(ent. Does he ha*e any weaponsA I don't -now. He went ho(e and he
,a(e &a,-. The -ids O-ay, D.st a (o(ent. Is he on d.!s o anythin!A I
O-ay, has he hit yo. today oCA
DIS+ATCHER: NICO7E:
No.
ae .p thee s)eepin! and I don't want anythin! to happen.
DIS+ATCHER:
O-ay, yo. don't need any paa(edi,s o anythin!. NICO7E: Uh;h.h.
DIS+ATCHER: DIS+ATCHER: NICO7E:
O-ay, yo. D.st want hi( to )ea*eA And then he )eft and he ,a(e &a,-A
need to hea what's !oin! on, a)) i!htA
NICO7E:
5y doo. He &o-e the who)e &a,- doo in. Then he ,a(e and he pa,ti,a))y -no,-ed (y
.pstais
Can yo. hea hi( o.tsideA Is he ye))in!A O-ay. Has he &een din-in!A O-ay. A)) .nits:
additiona) on do(esti, *io)en,e, 4ep. No.
DIS+ATCHER: NICO7E:
DIS+ATCHER: NICO7E:
doo down &.t he po.nded on it and he s,ea(ed and ho))eed and I tied to !et hi( o.t
of the &edoo( &e,a.se the -ids ae s)eepin! in thee.
DIS+ATCHER: NICO7E :
DIS+ATCHER: NICO7E:
DIS+ATCHER:
U(;h.(. O-ay.
3#2 So.th >etna >een ?ay. The s.spe,t has et.ned in a
white 6on,o.
And then he wanted so(e&ody's phone n.(&e and I
!a*e hi( (y phone &oo- o I p.t (y phone hoo- down to
wite down the phone n.(&e that he wanted and then he too- (y phone &oo- with a)) (y
st.ff in it.
DIS+ATCHER:
I !.ess I'( sti)) ye))in! at he, sti)) pissed as he)), and Ni,o)e is so&&in! &y this ti(e. He's
sti)) ye))in! at yo.A Is he .pset with so(ethin! that yo. didA A )on! ti(e a!o Lso&&in!M. It
a)ways ,o(es &a,-. L 5oe ye))in!.M Is yo. oo((ate ta)-in! to hi(A No, who ,an ta)-A
7isten to hi(.
O-ay. So &asi,a))y yo. !.ys ha*e D.st &een a!.in!A
DIS+ATCHER:
At this point yo. ,an hea (e ye))in! in the &a,-!o.nd, si(.)taneo.s)y *entin! to :ato
and sho.tin! at he.
DIS+ATCHER: NICO7E:
NICO7E:
Is he inside i!ht nowA O-ay, D.st a (o(ent.
DIS+ATCHER: NICO7E:
4eah.
DIS+ATCHER: O.'.:
DIS+ATCHER:
Do yo. .ndestand (eA . . . :eith is a nothin!. A s-.n-, and he sti)) ,a))s (e Is he ta)-in!
to yo.A Ae yo. )o,-ed in a oo( o so(ethin!A
I -now. Does he ha*e any weapons with hi( i!ht nowA No, .h;h.h. O-ay. ?hee is he
standin!A O-ay. In the &a,- dooway, in the ho.se.
NICO7E:
DIS+ATCHER: NICO7E:
DIS+ATCHER: NICO7E:
4eah. No. He ,an ,o(e i!ht in. I'( not !oin! whee the -ids Do yo. thin- he's !oin! to hit
yo.A Stay on the )ine. Don't han! .p, o-ayA ?hat is he sayin!A ?hat is he sayin!A
DIS+ATCHER: NICO7E:
DIS+ATCHER:
O.'. :...
I don't !i*e a f.,- any(oe . . . That wife of his, she too-
ae &e,a.se the -ids
DIS+ATCHER: NICO7E:
so (.,h fo this shit . . .
NICO7E:
I don't -now.
O.'.:
?o.)d yo. D.st p)ease, O.', O.'., O.'., O.'., ,o.)d yo. p)ease . . . +)ease )ea*e.
DIS+ATCHER: NICO7E:
I'( )ea*in! with (y two f.,-in! -idsN is when I'( )ea*in!. 4o. ain't !ot to woy a&o.t (e
any(oe. +)ease )ea*e. O.'. +)ease, the -ids, the -ids. . . . +)ease. Is he )ea*in!A No.
O-ay. ?hatA ?hat e)seA O.'. O.'. The -ids ae s)eepin!.
DIS+ATCHER: NICO7E:
NICO7E:
DIS+ATCHER: NICO7E:
DIS+ATCHER: NICO7E: NICO7E:
NTans,ipts of this ,a)) show this wod as Bfists,B &.t I said B-ids.B
DIS+ATCHER: NICO7E:
Does he -now yo.'e on the phone with po)i,eA O-ay. ?hee ae the -ids at i!ht nowA
Can they hea hi( ye))in!A Is thee so(eone .p thee with the -idsA
NICO7E:
No&ody's a!.in!.
No. Up in (y oo(. I don't -now. The oo('s the on)y one that's 0.iet. No.
DIS+ATCHER: NICO7E:
4eah. Has this happened &efoe o noA NICO7E: 5any ti(es.
DIS+ATCHER: DIS+ATCHER:
O-ay. The po)i,e sho.)d &e on the wayCit D.st
DIS+ATCHER: NICO7E:
see(s )i-e a )on! ti(e &e,a.se it's -ind of &.sy in that di*ision i!ht now. LTo po)i,eM
Re!adin! >etna >een ?ay, the s.spe,t is sti)) thee and ye))in! *ey )o.d)y. L6a,- to
Ni,o)eM Is he sti)) a!.in!A ?as so(eone -no,-in! on yo. dooA NICO7E: It was hi(.
DIS+ATCHER: NICO7E:
DIS+ATCHER: NICO7E:
I'( ea))y )osin! it a&o.t hee, ye))in! to &eat the &and. ?hat is he sayin! nowA Ni,o)eA
4o. sti)) on the
He was -no,-in! on yo. dooA
Thee's a )o,-ed &edoo( and he's wondein! why. Can I !et off the phoneA
DIS+ATCHER:
NICO7E:
)ineA
NICO7E:
4eah. 4o. thin- he's sti)) !oin! to hit yo.A I don't -now. He's !oin! to )ea*e. He D.st said
that ..
4o. wantCyo. fee) safe han!in! .pA NICO7E: ?e)), yo.'e i!ht.
DIS+ATCHER: DIS+ATCHER: NICO7E:
DIS+ATCHER: NICO7E: O .'.:
4o. want to wait ti)) the po)i,e !et theeA Ni,o)eA Is he sti)) a!.in! with yo.A He's (o*ed
a )itt)eA
4eah. U(;h((. U(;h.(.
6.t I'( D.st i!noin! hi(.
4o.'e not )ea*in! when I'( !one. HeyH I ha*e to ead this shit a)) wee- in the Nationa)
En0.ie. He wods e/a,t)y. ?hat, who !ot that, whoA Ae yo. the on)y one in thee with
hi(A And he's ta)-in! to yo.A
DIS+ATCHER: NICO7E:
DIS+ATCHER: NICO7E:
DIS+ATCHER: NICO7E:
Ri!ht now, yeah. 4eah, and he's a)so ta)-in! to (yCthe !.y who )i*es o.t Is he a!.in!
with hi(, tooA
Oh, o-ay.
DIS+ATCHER: NICO7E:
DIS+ATCHER: NICO7E:
&a,- is D.st standin! thee. He D.st ,a(e ho(e.
DIS+ATCHER: NICO7E:
O-ay. 6.t he doesn't -now yo.'eC NICO7E: It wo-s &est.
DIS+ATCHER: DIS+ATCHER: NICO7E:
O-ay. Ae the -ids ae sti)) as)eepA ?hat pat of the ho.se is he in i!ht nowA
No. A&so).te)y not.
R:
4es. They'e )i-e o,-s.
:
DIS+ATCHE
D IS+ATCHER
NICO7E:
Downstais. DownstaisA And yo.'e .pstaisA Do yo. see the po)i,e, Ni,o)eA O-ay, yo.
want to !o o.t theeA O-ay. O-ay. 4es.
DIS+ATCHER: NICO7E:
esponded that day, O,to&e #2, 1883. The (an as-in! the 0.estions is attoney Ro&et
6a-e:
6A:ER:
DIS+ATCHER: NICO7E:
Now, in te(s of yo. ,on*esations with O.'. Si(pson,
No, I'( downstais in the -it,hen. No, &.t I wi)) !o o.t thee i!ht now. 4eah. I'( !oin! to
han! .p.
5. Si(pson was .pset a&o.t the peop)eCand he info(ed yo. of thisCthat his wife was
.nnin! ao.nd with, ,oe,tA
7ERNER: 6A:ER:
DIS+ATCHER: NICO7E:
DIS+ATCHER: NICO7E:
Coe,t.
And he was .pset a&o.t the fa,t that she was, in fa,t, in
DIS+ATCHER: NICO7E:
his *iew and fo( his info(ation, .nnin!Cha*in! peop)e in the ho.se who wee
hoo-es, ,oe,tA
7ERNER: 6A:ER:
DIS+ATCHER:
He was ,on,ened.
And he was ,on,ened that thee was one peson that he
Then the ,ops showed .p, two of the(, fo))owed &y a s.pe*iso, and it too- &oth (e and
Ni,o)e a )itt)e whi)e to ,a)( down. I to)d the offi,es that Ni,o)e was e/posin! (y -ids to a))
sots of .nsa*oy peop)e, whi,h I wasn't happy a&o.t, and she to)d the( that a)) I did was
,o(p)ain a&o.t he fiends. I don't thin- they wee a)) that inteested in the detai)s,
&e,a.se one ,op D.st ,.t to the ,hase: BHas he e*e hit yo.AB he as-ed he. B4eah,B she
said. BOn,e. ?e had this one in,ident in 18<8.B On,e. I hit he on,eCnot e*en hit he,
te,hni,a))yCand e*e sin,e that day I'd &een -nown as a wife;&eate. ?hate*e they wee
thin-in!, I wasn't thee in the ,apa,ity of a so;,a))ed wife &eateCI was thee &e,a.se I
was ,on,ened a&o.t (y -ids. 7et (e shae with yo. an e/,ept fo( the ,i*i) tia). The
(an on the stand is Ro&et 7ene of the 7A+D , one of the offi,es who
tho.!ht was &ad fo his -ids and that his wife sho.)dn't asso,iate with, and he didn't want
hi( ao.nd the ho.seG isn't that t.eA
7ERNER: 6A:ER:
4es.
And that was a !ent)e(an with the fist na(e of :eith, ,oe,tA 4es. And he e/pessed
that to yo., that in fa,t these peop)e
7ERNER: 6A:ER:
that wee ao.nd the ho.se had so(e sot of dea)in!s with Heidi F)eiss, ,oe,tA
7ERNER: 6A:ER:
That's what he indi,ated.
And he was .pset a&o.t that, those peop)e &ein! ao.nd
his ho.se whee his -ids weeG he info(ed yo. of that, didn't heA
7ERNER: 4es. 6A:ER: And he a)so indi,ated to yo., si, that he ne*e had intended, no
was he e*e ,onsidein! any physi,a) *io)en,e to Ni,o)e 6own Si(pson that e*enin!,
,oe,tA 7ERNER: Coe,t. 6A:ER: And he a)so indi,ated to yo. that the doo that she
said was &o-en, &efoe that, she to)d yo. he &o-eCit was &o-en &efoe he e*e went to
the ho.se. Isn't that ,oe,tA 7ERNER: That's what he ,)ai(ed. This was in O,to&e 1883,
a)(ost ei!ht (onths &efoe Ni,o)e was (.deed. Sti)), when the tia) fina))y !ot .nde
way, e*eyone a,ted )i-e (y )awyes wee (a-in! this st.ff .p. They ween't. Ni,o)e had
&een asso,iatin! with hoo-es and d.! dea)es and .nsa*oy ,haa,tes fo( way &a,-,
and I'd &een &e!!in! he to -eep those peop)e away fo( (y ,hi)den. And I went on
e,od with (y ,on,ens that ni!ht when I spo-e to the po)i,e a&o.t it. Now hee's the
weid pat: The ne/t day, the *ey (onin! afte the fi!ht, I was &a,- on the set, wo-in!,
when Ni,o)e ,a))ed. BHey, how yo. doin!AB she said, as if nothin! had happened. BFine.B
BDid yo. p)ay !o)f this (onin!AB BNo. I'( wo-in!. ?e'e shootin!.B BSo e*eythin!'s
!oodAB she as-ed. She was fee)in! (e o.t, seein! if I was sti)) an!y, and I to)d he yes, I
was *ey f)i,-in! an!y. She da!!ed (e &a,- to the ho.se
and then ,a))ed the po)i,e on (e, and a)) &e,a.se I was ,on,ened a&o.t (y -ids, and
a&o.t the die,tion he )ife was ta-in!. BI'( soy,B she said. B>eatHB B ?hat ae yo. doin!
)ateAB B>oin! &a,- to New 4o-. ?hat the he)) do yo. thin- I'( doin!AB Fo the ne/t
se*ea) wee-s, I stayed on that ,aFy &a,-;andfoth s,hed.)e. I'd &e in New 4o- fo the
spots show, then f)y &a,- )ate S.nday to wo- on Na-ed >.n fo a ,o.p)e of days. Then it
was &a,- to New 4o-, with a stop o two on the way to inte*iew one ath)ete o anothe
fo the show. S.nday ni!ht, the ,y,)e stated a)) o*e a!ainC)i-e (y own pesona) *esion
of that (o*ie, >o.ndho! Day. ?hene*e I was in 7.A., *isitin! with the -ids, Ni,o)e was
!enea))y on he &est &eha*io, &.t d.in! this peiod she &e!an to see( .n.s.a))y tied. I
thin- the stess of -eepin! it to!ethe ao.nd (e was a)(ost (oe than she ,o.)d ta-e.
She ea))y wanted this thin! to wo-, so she was dete(ined to &e a !ood )itt)e !i), &.t the
effot )eft he e/ha.sted. I a)so &e!an to wonde whethe she was doin! d.!s. The one
thin! that she wasn't a&)e to ,onto) was this ,onstant hapin! a&o.t o. )i*in!
aan!e(ent. She -ept p.shin! (e to )et he and the -ids (o*e &a,- into Ro,-in!ha(,
and I -ept te))in! he no. I s.!!ested that she ent anothe p)a,e, o, &ette yet, &.y one,
and she fina))y too- (y ad*i,e and fo.nd a ni,e ,ondo on 6.ndy,
nea Doothy Steet. Thee was one (aDo po&)e(, tho.!h. She ,o.)dn't affod to &.y it
.n)ess she so)d he ,ondo in San Fan,is,o, and &e,a.se the ti(in! was won! she was
woied a&o.t the ta/ &ite. ?hen she )oo-ed into it, she dis,o*eed that she ,o.)d a*oid
that po&)e( &y ,)ai(in! that the p)a,e on 6.ndy was a enta) popety, and to indi,ate in
he ta/ et.n that she and the -ids wee a,t.a))y )i*in! with (e. I didn't want any pat of
that s,he(e, and I to)d he so. BThe )ast thin! I need is a po&)e( with the IRS,B I said.
B6.t I don't .ndestand,B she said. BI'( !oin! to &e (o*in! &a,- in with yo. anyway.B BI
,an't do it,B I said. She was petty an!y, and fo a whi)e the !ood Ni,o)e was nowhee in
e*iden,e. 7.,-i)y I wasn't ao.nd too often, &.t e*en when I wasn't ho(e she so(ehow
(ana!ed to &in! he po&)e(s to (y doostepC)itea))y. She wo.)d ,o(e &y the ho.se
with the -ids, say, to .se the poo), and she too- to odein! 5i,he)e ao.nd, a,tin! )i-e
she sti)) )i*ed thee. 5i,he)e to)eated it, &.t thee wee )i (its. One day Ni,o)e as-ed to &e
)et into (y ho(e offi,e, whi,h was )o,-ed, and 5i,he)e to)d he she'd ha*e to !et
pe(ission fo( (e. BNo one is a))owed in 5. Si(pson's offi,e,B she e(inded he. BIt's
one of his .)es.B BI'( not as-in! yo.,B Ni,o)e said. BI'( te))in! yo..B BI'( soy, 5iss Ni,o)e.
I ,an't )et yo. in witho.t 5. Si(pson's say so.B Ni,o)e went off on he, ,.sin! and ,a))in!
he na(es, then went o.t to the poo) and !a&&ed the -ids and too- off in a h.ff She was
(a-in! fiends Ieft and i!ht.
I ,a(e ho(e fo Chist(as, and we fo,.sed on the -ids, spoi)in! the( with pesents. I !ot
a few s(a)) pesents of (y own, &.t on)y one of the( ea))y (eant anythin! to (e, and
that was the fa,t that we didn't ha*e a sin!)e s,ene o a sin!)e a!.(ent in the ,o.se of
that entie wee-. I don't -now if that 0.a)ifies as a pesent, &.t I appe,iated it, and I (ade
a point of te))in! he so. To &e honest with yo., when thin!s wee !ood )i-e that, I a)ways
fo.nd (yse)f fee)in! &adCa)ways fo.nd (yse)f thin-in! a&o.t the way thin!s (i!ht ha*e
&een. Ni,o)e had !i*en (e fifteen !eat yeas, &.t that Ni,o)e hadn't &een ao.nd (.,h
e,ent)y, and the Ni,o)e who had ta-en he p)a,e was not so(eone I -new o e*en
wanted to -now. At that point, I was petty (.,h &idin! (y ti(e .nti) the yea was .p. And
in so(e ways, to &e honest, I was a)eady !one. I e(e(&e spea-in! to Ni,o)e's (othe
a&o.t the *aio.s po&)e(sCthe &.siness with the ho.se-eepe, the 0.estiona&)e fiends,
the d.!sCand she was D.st as ,on,ened as I was. Un)i-e (e, tho.!h, she was sti))
hopef.). B5ay&e it's D.st a phase,B she said. B5ay&e she')) !et tied of .nnin! ao.nd with
those peop)e.B B ?e)), I hope so,B I said. B6.t I don't -now. '?hene*e I ty to ta)- to he
a&o.t it, she !ets pissed off.B BI don't thin- thee's anythin! eithe of .s ,an do,B she said.
BNi,o)e's !oin! to ha*e to !et tho.!h this hese)f.B I wasn't e/a,t)y s.e what it was she
was s.pposed to !et tho.!h, to &e honest. +eop)e fai) at (aia!e e*ey day, and they
eithe find thei way &a,- o not. The 0.estion, fo (e, e*en then, was why did we fai);;
whee did we !o won!A Ni,o)e had o)d (e
on (oe than one o,,asion that she fe)t as if she'd &een with (e foe*e, and that she was
tied of )i*in! in (y shadow. 5ay&e that was it. 5ay&e she had sa&ota!ed the (aia!e so
she ,o.)d !o off and e)i*e he )ost ,hi)dhood o so(ethin!Cone of these Bde)ayed
ado)es,en,eB thin!s. If I was i!ht, and if that was what she had to !et tho.!h, I fi!.ed I
had a *ey )on! wait ahead of (e.
=
THE T?O NICO7ES
Ni,o)e (o*ed into the 6.ndy ,ondo in )ate 'an.ay and she )i-ed it D.st fine, &.t she was
sti)) pissed that I hadn't as-ed he to (o*e &a,- into Ro,-in!ha(. BI ,an't &e)ie*e yo.
(ade (e &.y (y own p)a,e,B she whined. BNi,o)e, we'*e &een tho.!h this. >i*e it ti(e.B
BI'( D.st sayin!.B BI -now. 4o.'*e &een sayin! fo a whi)e.B B ?e)), it (a-es (e wonde,B
she said. BI'( tyin! to &e hopef.), &.t yo.'e (a-in! it ea))y had.B BIt's 'an.ay. ?e'*e
!ot fo. (onths &efoe 5othe's Day. On 5othe's Day, it wi)) &e e/a,t)y one yea.B BI
-now,B she snapped. BStop e(indin! (e. I fee) )i-e I'( on tia) hee.B
The (o*e ,eated one othe po&)e( fo Ni,o)e, aside fo( the ta/ iss.e, and this one
,on,ened he ho.se&oy, :ato. At the >etna >een p)a,e, he'd )i*ed in the !.estho.se,
&.t on 6.ndy a)) he had was a )itt)e (aid's oo(, so she as-ed (e if I'd p.t hi( .p at one
of the thee !.est ho.ses on (y popety. It was s.pposed to &e te(poay, .nti) :ato
,o.)d find a p)a,e of his own, and I to)d Ni,o)e I was !)ad to he)p o.t. ?ithin a wee-, :ato
was )i*in! at Ro,-in!ha(. 4eas )ate, when the tia) !ot .ndeway, so(e&ody f)oated a
,aFy stoy a&o.t this. They said that Ni,o)e had offeed :ato the (aid's oo( at the
6.ndy ,ondo, and that he was !a(e, &.t that I didn't want the( )i*in! .nde the sa(e
oof. A!ain, peop)e didn't see( to .ndestand thatC&y that pointCI had a&so).te)y no
inteest in e,on,i)in! with Ni,o)e. Afte a)), if I had wanted he &a,-, she wo.)d ne*e ha*e
&o.!ht the p)a,e on 6.ndy. She and the -ids wo.)d ha*e (o*ed into Ro,-in!ha(, whi,h
is what she'd &een ho.ndin! (e a&o.t a)) a)on!. In shot ode, Ni,o)e &e!an to esent
:ato. I don't -now what it was e/a,t)y, &.t he was )i*in! at the ho.se, and she wasn't, and
I thin- that ea))y pissed he off. I -now it (a-es a&so).te)y no sense, &.t a )ot of the shit
we went tho.!h (ade no sense, and I thin- (y theoy's as !ood as any. Now thee wee
two peop)e at Ro,-in!ha( that ea))y pissed he off: 5i,he)e and :ato. LThee if yo. ,o.nt
(e.M 6.t she -ept ,o(in! &y anyway, (ost)y to han! o.t &y the poo) and to to(ent (e
with he .nhappiness. At one point, she to)d (e, BO.'., when I ,o(e &y the ho.se, I don't
want to see eithe 5i,he)e o :ato. :ato sho.)dn't e*en he on the popety, and 5i,he)e
sho.)d hide in he
oo( .nti) I'( !one. 4o. .ndestandA ?hen I'( ao.nd, I don't want eithe of the(
ao.nd.B I )oo-ed at he, wondein! if she'd )ost he (ind. ?ho was she ,o(in! &y to te))
(e how to .n (y ho(eA If she didn't want to see 5i,he)e and :ato, she didn't ha*e to
,o(e &y at a)). She ,o.)d dop the -ids off o.t font, and I'd &e !)ad to han! &y the poo)
with the(. I to)d he as (.,h, and she )oo-ed at (e with s.,h hated I tho.!ht she was
!oin! to )eap off he )o.n!e ,hai and atta,- (e. 6.t she didn't atta,- (e. She pi,-ed .p
he ,opy of +eop)e (a!aFine and i!noed (e. To (a-e (attes wose, se*ea) of he
,)ose fiends stated ,o(in! &y to e/pess ,on,en a&o.t the shape she was in, as if I
,o.)d do so(ethin! a&o.t it. Ni,o)e was sti)) han!in! o.t with that sa(e &ad ,owd, they
said, din-in! too (.,h and ,)ea)y doin! d.!s. E*ey othe day, I head *aiations on the
sa(e the(e: BO.'., yo. !otta do so(ethin! a&o.t it. She needs he)p.B 6.t what ,o.)d I
doA ?hene*e I &o.!ht it .p, whi,h was often, &e)ie*e (e, she to)d (e she didn't want to
hea it. O woseCshe sto(ed o.t. As .s.a), e*eythin! was (y fa.)t. In he (ind, if I'd
on)y )et he (o*e &a,- into Ro,-in!ha(, )ife wo.)d &e pefe,t. 6.t I hadn't )et he (o*e
&a,- in, and a)) she had was he fiendsCand a &i! ta/ po&)e(. The ta/ po&)e( was (y
fa.)t, too, of ,o.se. It was a)) (y fa.)t. Ni,o)e's )ife was t.nin! to shit &e,a.se I didn't
)o*e he, and she was ,etain)y )o*a&)e, so the po&)e( was (eCI was esponsi&)e fo
e*eythin!. One aftenoon, she ,a(e &y the ho.se to dop off the -ids so she ,o.)d .n a
few eands, and I tho.!ht she )oo-ed a )itt)e
!)assy;eyed. ?hen the -ids wee o.t of eashot, I as-ed he if she was o-ay. I did it ni,e)y
Cnot a,,.sin! he of anythin!, not ,onfontin! he. B4o. -now,B I said, BI'( heain! fo( a
)ot of peop)eC yo. fiends (ost)yCthat yo.'e f.,-in! yo.se)f .p with d.!s and shit.
4o. want to ta)- a&o.t itAB BF.,-in! (yse)f .pA That's ,aFyA ?hat 'fiends' ae te))in! yo.
thisAB B+eop)e who ae woied a&o.t yo..B She !ot (ad. She said it was &.))shit, that
these so;,a))ed fiends of hes didn't -now what they wee ta)-in! a&o.tCthat she was in
,o(p)ete ,onto). To te)) yo. the t.th, I didn't ha*e any ,on,ete e*iden,e to &a,- .p the
a))e!ations. The wo(an )oo-ed won down, yes, and she was eati,, and so(eti(es she
see(ed ,o(p)ete)y o.t of it, &.t it's not )i-e I ea))y -new anythin!. If I had, t.st (e, I
wo.)d ha*e done so(ethin! a&o.t itC&oth fo he and fo the -ids. 6.t when I )oo-ed at
(y -ids, and I )oo-ed at the( ,)ose)y, &e)ie*e (e, they see(ed fine. They didn't )oo-
(essed .p o ha.nted o any of that shit. On the ,ontay, they see(ed so)id and happy,
and they wee as )o*in! towad Ni,o)e as they'd e*e &een, if not (oe so. If so(ethin!
ea))y &ad was !oin! on, I fi!.ed I'd see it, &.t I didn't see a thin!Cnot in the(, anyway.
In Ni,o)e, tho.!h, the ,han!es on)y &e,a(e (oe o&*io.s with ti(e. She &e,a(e e*en
(oe eati,, )oo-ed e*en (oe won down, and she see(ed in,easin!)y )ost. It was had
to .ndestand. Fo as )on! as I'd -nown he, Ni,o)e's head and heat had a)ways &een in
the i!ht p)a,e. ?hene*e any of he fiends had a po&)e(, they a)ways went o he fist.
She was so)id
and ,)ea;thin-in!, and she a)ways (ade the i!ht (oa) de,ision. 6.t that was anothe
Ni,o)e, and she hadn't &een (.,h in e*iden,e )ate)y. In fa,t, in so(e ways it was as if the
new Ni,o)e was ta-in! o*e, and I ,an't say I (.,h )i-ed he. One day, i!ht ao.nd this
ti(e, I was D.st &a,- fo( New 4o-, sittin! &y the poo), in a )o.n!e ,hai, eadin!, waitin!
fo Ni,o)e to show .p with the -ids. The (o(ent they showed .p, the -ids an off to the
!.est ho.se with a note fo :ato. B?hat was that a)) a&o.tAB I as-ed he. BA )ette fo
:ato,B she said. BI want hi( !one.B :ato wasn't ho(e, &.t the -ids )eft the note thee and
they o&*io.s)y -new what it was a&o.t: B:ato's a fee)oadeHB BHe's a &.(HB B:ato has to
find a p)a,e of his own &e,a.se 5o( doesn't want hi( hee.B I was sho,-ed, &.t I &it (y
ton!.e .nti) they wee in the poo), o.t of eashot. B?hy do yo. ha*e to !o and tea,h the(
that shitAB I said. BThey'e )itt)e -ids. They don't need to !et in the (idd)e of it.B She o))ed
he eyes and sto(ed off, disappeain! into the ho.se. A few (o(ents )ate, she was
&a,-. B5an, I hate that wo(anHB She was ta)-in! a&o.t 5i,he)e, of ,o.se, and I didn't
want to.&)e, so I went into the ho.se and as-ed 5i,he)e to disappea fo a whi)e. B>o
down to the 6entwood 5at and !et so(e fesh f)owes o so(ethin!,B I s.!!ested.
BNi,o)e wi)) &e !one in an ho. o two.B 5i,he)e )oo-ed a )itt)e .pset, &.t she -new it was
fo the &est. B O-ay, 5. Si(pson,B she said, &ae)y a.di&)e. BA)) i!ht. 7et (e D.st finish
,)eanin! .p the -it,hen and I')) !o.B
I went o.tside and to)d Ni,o)e that 5i,he)e was )ea*in! fo a whi)e, and that she ,o.)d
e)a/, &.t she didn't see( *ey e)a/ed. She was f.)) of *eno(. B4o.'*e !ot to fie that
wo(anHB she hissed. And I said, BNi,o)e, )oo-, if we !et &a,- to!ethe, 5i,he)e a)eady
-nows that yo. and heCit's not !oin! to wo- o.t. 6.t )et's D.st wait and see. ?e'e sti)) a
few (onths away fo( that.B I tho.!ht that was a petty easona&)e thin! to say, &.t it
(.st ha*e .&&ed Ni,o)e the won! way. She went &a,- into the ho.se and et.ned a
few (in.tes )ate, )oo-in! *ey wo-ed .p. BI D.st hit heHB she said. B?hatAHB BI hit heH I
,o.)dn't he)p it. I hate he attit.deHB B ?hat do yo. (ean yo. hit heAH 4o. ,an't hit heHB I
!ot .p fo( the )o.n!e ,hai and wa)-ed into the -it,hen and fo.nd 5i,he)e sittin! thee,
ed;fa,ed, teas stea(in! down he ,hee-s, tyin! to ,a)) the ,ops. BI'( ,a))in! the po)i,eHB
she said. B7oo- what she did to (eH She s)apped (y fa,eHB She -ept (isdia)in! the
n.(&e;=11 instead of 811Cso I went o*e and apo)o!iFed fo Ni,o)e's &eha*io and tied
to ,a)( he down. BI')) ta-e ,ae of e*eythin!,B I said, settin! the phone &a,- in its ,ad)e.
B+)ease don't ,a)) the po)i,e.B B4o. ,an't D.st hit a peson and !et away with it,B 5i,he)e
said, sti)) ,yin!. BI -now, 5i,he)e. That's what I to)d he. I'( soy. I don't -now what's
!otten into Ni,o)e )ate)y, &.t I')) !et it hand)ed.B B ?e)) I don't -now what's !otten into he,
eithe, 5. Si(pson, &.t I ,ant ta-e it any(oe.B
I went o.tside, pissed, and ,onfonted Ni,o)e. BHow ,an yo. do what yo. D.st didA How
,o.)d yo. hit that poo )adyA I don't ,ae if yo. don't )i-e he attit.deCyo. ,an't !o ao.nd
hittin! peop)eHB BDon't te)) (e what to do,B Ni,o)e snapped, then !ot .p and went o*e to
the side of the poo) and to)d the -ids to !et o.t. B?e'e !oin! ho(eHB she said. Then she
sto(ed off, with the -ids sti)) dippin! wet, as if it was (e who had done so(ethin!
won!. I went &a,- and )oo-ed in on 5i,he)e a!ain, and I apo)o!iFed, a!ain, and I to)d he
that I was !oin! to !et e*eythin! hand)ed i!ht away. I then ,a))ed Cathy Randa, at the
offi,e, and she !ot (y )awye on the phone. I wa)-ed the( tho.!h what had D.st
happened. B4o. sho.)d ha*e )et 5i,he)e ,a)) the po)i,e,B (y )awye said. BNothin! )i-e an
assa.)t ,ha!e to tea,h a peson a )esson.B B ?hat a( I !oin! to do a&o.t 5i,he)eAB I
as-ed. BTa)- to he. 5a-e s.e she's o-ay.B ?hen I !ot off the phone, I went &a,- into the
-it,hen. 5i,he)e had p.))ed hese)f to!ethe, (oe o )ess, &.t she was sti)) *ey .pset.
6efoe I ,o.)d as- he if thee was anythin! I ,o.)d do, she t.ned to (e and said, B5.
Si(pson, I D.st ,an't stay hee. I'( !oin! to esi!n.B ?e went &a,- and foth on this a )itt)e
&it, &.t she was petty dete(ined, so I to)d he not to woy a&o.t finan,es o anythin!C
that I wo.)d ta-e ,ae of he .nti) she was sett)ed and happy at a new Do&. BThan- yo., 5.
Si(pson. I po(ise I won't )ea*e .nti) I he)p yo. find so(eone to ta-e (y p)a,e.B ?ithin a
few days, 5i,he)e intod.,ed (e to a fiend of hes, >i!i, and I hied he on the spot. The
*ey ne/t dayCthis is in
5a,h 188=CNi,o)e ,a))ed to te)) (e that she tho.!ht we sho.)d a)) !o to Ca&o fo a wee-
o two. A &.n,h of o. fiends wee !oin!, in,).din! 6.,e 'enne and his wife, Chystie,
and Faye Resni,- and he fian,e, Chistian Rei,hadt, and Ni,o)e tho.!ht it wo.)d &e f.n.
F.nA She'd D.st ,eated a)) sots of do(esti, ha*o, fo (e, and now she was ta)-in! a&o.t
f.nH BI ,an't !o,B I said, and it was t.e: I was !ettin! eady to do Fo!(en, a te)e*ision
pi)ot, whi,h was !oin! to stat shootin! the fo))owin! wee- in 5a)i&., and wo.)d ,ontin.e
shootin! fo se*ea) (oe wee-s in +.eto Ri,o. BI'*e !ot the show to do.B BThat's not ti))
ne/t wee-,B she said. BI'( not in the (ood,B I said. BHoney. Co(e on. +)ease. Do it fo the
-ids.B So I wentCI'( a p.sho*eCand we had a petty !ood ti(e, to &e honest. The
&ea,h, !ood food, !ood din-, Det;s-is with the -ids, aftenoon naps in the shade, and
(oe !ood food and din- at the end of the day. I had to ,o(e &a,- that fist S.nday,
tho.!h, to &e on )o,ation in 5a)i&. &i!ht and ea)y the ne/t (onin!, and I )eft Ni,o)e
&ehind with the -ids and o. fiends. That Th.sday e*enin!, as I was on (y way ho(e
fo( the shoot, Ni,o)e ea,hed (e on (y ,e)) phone. BI'( &a,-,B she said. BI tho.!ht yo.
wee stayin! the who)e wee-,B I said. BI (issed yo.. And I -now yo.'e !oin! to &e in
+.eto Ri,o fo a who)e (onth, so I wanted to spend a )itt)e ti(e with yo. &efoe yo. )eft.B
Thee was so(ethin! a )itt)e weid a&o.t the who)e thin! Ni,o)e was ne*e a !ood )ia, and
when we !ot to!ethe that ni!ht
so(ethin! to)d (e she wasn't &ein! ,o(p)ete)y honest with (eC &.t I didn't p.s.e it. I
a,,epted what she to)d (e and we had a t.)y teifi, wee-end to!ethe. She was the o)d
Ni,o)e a!ainCthe !ood one. On S.nday (onin!, as I was pa,-in! fo (y tip, I
s.!!ested hoo-in! .p in 5ia(i in two wee-s, whee one of (y fiends was !ettin!
(aied. I to)d he I'd f)y .p fo( +.eto Ri,o, and she ,o.)d f)y down fo( 7.A., and we
,o.)d ha*e o.se)*es anothe pefe,t wee-end. B'.st )i-e this )ast wee-end,B I said. BIt
ea))y was pefe,t, wasn't itAB she said, and I swea she had teas in he eyes. B4es,B I
said. BIt ea))y was.B ?hen I )eft fo the aipot, I was in a teifi, (ood, and I e(e(&e
,a))in! Ni,o)e's (othe fo( the )i(o. BI -now I wasn't ea) opti(isti, a&o.t this who)e
e,on,i)iation thin!, &.t it )oo-s )i-e I was won!,B I said, eatin! (y wods. BThin!s ae
fina))y &e!innin! to wo- o.t.B BI'( !)ad to hea it,B she said. BI a)ways had hope.B It was a
ea) t.nin! point fo (e. Afte (onths of te))in! (yse)f that o. e)ationship was !oin!
a&so).te)y nowhee, I fe)t as if we wee ea))y !oin! to (a-e it. ?hen I ,a))ed Ni,o)e fo(
+.eto Ri,o the ne/t day, howe*e, she so.nded )i-e the othe Ni,o)e, the one I didn't )i-e.
I don't -now if it was so(e -ind of d.!;ind.,ed (ood swin! o so(ethin!, &.t the ea)
Ni,o)e had )eft the &.i)din!. I ,an't e/p)ain it any &ette than that. She D.st so.nded )i-e
that othe *esion of hese)f: Re(o*ed, iita&)e, (isea&)e, *eno(o.sCand ,o(p)ete)y
)ost.
She was whinin! a&o.t !ettin! o)de, and how (.,h she hated it, how (.,h it depessed
he, and I to)d he to Doin the ,).&. I was !ettin! o)de, too, and a )ot faste than she was,
&.t I dea)t with it &e,a.se that was the on)y option. I as-ed he to p.t the -ids on the
phone, and ,hatted with the( a&o.t thei day, then I to)d the( I )o*ed the( and to !o to
&ed and to &eha*e the(se)*es. The ne/t e*enin!, when I ,a))ed to ,he,- in, she was e*en
(oe *eno(o.s than the pe*io.s ni!ht: B?hy ae yo. ,a))in! (eAB she snapped. B ?hy
a( I ,a))in! yo.A To see what's happenin!. To spea- with the -ids.B B4o.'e ,he,-in! .p
on (e, aen't yo.AB B ?hy wo.)d I &e ,he,-in! .p on yo.A ?hat ha*e I !ot to ,he,- .p on
yo. foAB BI don't want to ta)- to yo.,B she said. B ?e)) I don't want to ta)- to yo., eitheHB I
said. B+.t the -ids on the phone.B 5an, it was weidH This was not the Ni,o)e I'd -nown
and )o*ed fo the &ette pat of se*enteen yeas. This was a who)e 'nothe peson. At that
point, e*en an idiot ,o.)d ha*e to)d yo. that d.!s wee in*o)*ed. 4o. don't !et (ood
swin!s )i-e that fo( eatin! ?heaties. I ,a))ed a!ain a ,o.p)e of days )ate, to ta)- a&o.t
the 5ia(i tip. Don't as- (e why, &.t we'd dis,.ssed it and I tho.!ht it was sti))
happenin!. 5ay&e I was sti)) hopef.). Afte a)), )ess than a wee- ea)ie I'd ,a))ed he
(othe to te)) he that thin!s wee !oin! !eat,
and they had &een !oin! !eatCso it see(ed a )itt)e stan!e to D.st !i*e .p on he. B?hat
a&o.t 5ia(iAB she snapped, that ed!e in he *oi,e a!ain. B ?e'*e !ot to fi!.e o.t the
f)i!hts and st.ff,B I said. BI don't ha*e ti(e fo this shit i!ht now. Stop hass)in! (eHB B
Hass)in! yo.A How the f.,- a( I hass)in! yo.A I'( tyin! to p)an o. tipHB B ?e)) this isn't
the ti(e fo itHB she said, and she h.n! .p. The ne/t (onin!, ea)y, (y phone an!. It was
he. BHi honey. Did yo. s)eep we))A Do yo. ha*e a &i! day on the setAB Ho)y shit. ?hat
was I dea)in! with heeA She ,a))ed a!ain the ne/t day to te)) (e that she had spo-en to
he (othe, who had a!eed to ,o(e .p the fo))owin! wee-end to ta-e ,ae of the -ids
whi)e we wee in 5ia(i. 6.t at that point I was no )on!e inteested in !oin! to 5ia(i with
he. I fe)t )i-e a !odda(n yo;yo. B ?hat do yo. (ean we'e not !oin!AB she said. B?hyAB
BIt's D.st too (.,h of a heada,he,B I said. BI'( tied. It's not woth a)) the f)yin!.B She ,o.)d
see I was &.))shittin! he, and she -new it was &e,a.se I'd fina))y had eno.!h of he ,ap.
BO.'., don't do this,B she said, whi(pein!. BIt's not (e. It's Faye. She's doin! d.!s a!ain,
and it's ea))y &ad this ti(e, and she has (e ea))y woied. And Coa and Ron ae ha*in!
to.&)e. Thei (aia!e )oo-s )i-e it's fa))in! apat.B
B?hat do yo. (eanAB I as-ed. B?hyAB BI don't -now. It's ,o(p)i,ated.B I fe)t &ad a&o.t Ron
and Coa. They wee !ood peop)e, and Coa was a !en.ine)y teifi, h.(an &ein!. I didn't
fee) a)) that &ad a&o.t Faye, tho.!h. I'd a)ways fe)t that she'd &een a tei&)e inf).en,e on
Ni,o)e, and fo( what I was heain! those inf).en,es wee on)y !ettin! wose. BI'( ea))y
stessed o.t &y a)) of this,B Ni,o)e said. BI -now I'*e &een a )itt)e on ed!e )ate)y, &.t it's
ea))y not (y fa.)t.B That was -ind of the )ast staw fo (e. Ni,o)e was a)ways &)a(in!
othe peop)e fo he f.,-;.ps. ?hen she had (e, it was (e. Now that she didn't ha*e (e,
it was the peop)e ,)osest to he. B?e'e not !oin! to 5ia(i,B I epeated. BDon't do this to
(e, O.'. I was ea))y )oo-in! fowad to it.B BI'( not doin! anythin! to yo.. I D.st want to !et
tho.!h this shoot and ,o(e ho(e.B BAe yo. sayin! this isn't wo-in!AB ChistH ?hat was
I s.pposed to say to thatA ?asn't it o&*io.sA B?e)),B I said. BI'( not fee)in! a)) that
opti(isti,. And if yo. honest)y fee) it's wo-in!, then so(ethin! is ea))y won! with this
pi,t.e.B I !.ess I was tyin! to &e honest, and (ay&e I was a )itt)e too &).nt a&o.t it, &.t
(ay&e she needed that &).ntness to !et he (ind ao.nd the sit.ation. ?hen I !ot &a,- to
7.A., I -new a)(ost i((ediate)y that it was o*e. The othe Ni,o)e had won. She ,a(e &y
the ho.se with the -ids and i((ediate)y !ot into anothe a!.(ent with :ato,
,a))in! hi( a B.se)ess fee)oadeB and woseCi!ht in font of the -ids. It was s,ay. He
entie fa,e was tansfo(ed &y a!e. 7ate, when she was so(ewhat ,a)(e, and I was
tyin! to p.)) the stoy o.t of he, tyin! to fi!.e o.t what had set he off, she to)d (e that
:ato wasn't doin! his Do&. He ne*e he)ped with the -ids any(oe, he ne*e an eands,
and he didn't et.n he ,a))s when she (ost needed hi(. B4o.'*e !ot to -i,- hi( o.t,B she
said. I to)d he that she sho.)d dea) with hi( hese)fC:ato was he po&)e(, not (ineC
and I s.!!ested that she sho.)d &a,- off a )itt)e. BI thin- he's a,t.a))y &een )oo-in! fo a
p)a,e to )i*e,B I said. She )oo-ed at (e, pissed, sha-in! he head fo( side to side. B4o.
don't !i*e a shit what happens to (e, do yo.AB B4o.'e won!, Ni,o)e. I do !i*e a shit. 6.t
I ,an't fi/ e*eythin!.B 5an, I')) te)) yo.: I was ea))y )oo-in! fowad to 5othe's Day. It was
ti(e to &ai). Fo( that day on, I tied had to -eep (y distan,e. The on)y ti (e I saw he
was when I was pi,-in! .p o doppin! off the -ids, o on those ae o,,asions when she
hese)f dopped the( at Ro,-in!ha(. She didn't )oo- !ood. She )oo-ed tied and st.n!
o.t, and she see(ed to &e !ettin! po!essi*e)y wose. She see(ed &eaten, in fa,t.
?hen 5othe's Day fina))y o))ed ao.nd, I ,an honest)y te)) yo. that I had ne*e )oo-ed
fowad with so (.,h p)eas.e to any 5othe's Day in (y entie )ife. A yea ea)ie, a)so on
5othe's Day, we had de,ided to ty to sa*e o. (aia!e, and we had !i*en o.se)*es a
).)) yea o do it. Now the yea was dawin! o a dose.
That wee-end, we do*e down to 7a!.naCI had a ho.se thee, and the 6owns )i*ed
nea&y, in Dana +oint. On Sat.day, Ni,o)e and I went o.t to dinne, and I &asi,a))y to)d
he it was o*e. To &e honest with yo., it wasn't a &i! dea). She -new as we)) as I did that
it was o*e, so this was ea))y (oe of a fo(a)ity. B5ay&e we tied to !et &a,- to!ethe too
soon,B she said. B?hat do yo. (eanAB BThat (ay&e we sho.)d ha*e stayed apat )on!e. I
sho.)d ha*e wo-ed on (yse)f a )itt)e (oe &efoe as-in! yo. to ty a!ain.B B?e)), yo.
-now, now that yo. (ention it, that's (y one ,on,en,B I said. B?hatAB B4o.. I want to
(a-e s.e yo.'e o-ay.B BI'( fine,B she said, and she ,han!ed the s.&De,t. S.dden)y she
was ta)-in! a&o.t Coa Fish(an a!ain, and a&o.t the ,o(p)i,ations in he (aia!e. BI
fee) -ind of &ad a&o.t it,B she said. BOf a)) the ,o.p)es we -now, Coa and Ron had the
&est (aia!e.B She a)so ta)-ed a )itt)e a&o.t Faye Resni,-, who was ha*in! *ey seio.s
po&)e(s of he own. She was sti)) (essin! ao.nd with d.!s, appaent)y, and he
&oyfiend had fina))y ead he the iot a,t. BHe's ea))y pissed,B Ni,o)e to)d (e. BHe thin-s
Faye is o.t of ,onto).B B?hat do yo. thin-AB I as-ed. BIt's not !ood,B she said. ?hen the
food ,a(e, we (.st ha*e )oo-ed D.st )i-e e*ey othe (aied ,o.p)e in the esta.ant. ?e
sat thee eatin!, not sayin! (.,h, and fo( ti(e to ti(e I'd ea,h a,oss the ta&)e with (y
fo- and spea so(ethin! off he p)ate.
The ne/t day was S.nday, 5othe's Day. ?e went to ,h.,h with so(e of Ni,o)e's fa(i)y.
Denise was thee with he si/;yea;o)d son, and Ni,o)e -ept do!!in! he. B?hy is he
weain! a &)a,- shit and &)a,- pantsA ?hat -ind of o.tfit is that fo a )itt)e &oyA And in
,h.,h, no )ess.B Ni,o)e was *eno(o.s, f.)) of a!e and an!e, and I -ept (y distan,e fo
the est of the day. 6y ni!htfa)), the &ad (ood had passed. ?e do*e &a,- to 7os An!e)es,
to he p)a,e on 6.ndy, and I went inside and he)ped he p.t the -ids to &ed. B ?e)),B I said,
)oo-in! at he, and fee)in! -ind of sad. BIt's o*e.B BI -now,B she said. ?e went into he
&edoo( and (ade )o*e. ?e &oth -new it was !oin! to &e the )ast ti(e, and that this was
o. way of sayin! !ood&ye. It was a,t.a))y *ey ni,e. ?e fe)) as)eep in ea,h othe's a(s.
In the (onin!, &efoe the -ids wee .p, I s)ipped o.t of the ho.se and went &a,- to (y
p)a,e on Ro,-in!ha(. It was ti(e to !et on with (y )ife.
2.
THIN>S FA77 A+ART
7ate that sa(e (onin!, I went &y the offi,e and to)d Cathy Randa a)) a&o.t 5othe's Day
wee-end. B?e ae done,B I said. B?e ae (o*in! on.B B4o. s.e a&o.t thatAB B+ositi*e.B
Cathy )oo-ed sot of e)ie*ed, then s(i)ed a &i! s(i)e and said, B>.ess who's ,o(in! to
town toni!htAB B?hoAB B+a.)a.B B4o.'e -iddin! (eAB I said. BNo,B she said. BShe's in New
4o-, on he way to Hono).)., &.t she's stoppin! in 7.A. fo the ni!ht. I'( s.pposed to pi,-
he .p at the aipot.B
B?ait a (in.te,B I said. B7et (e pi,- he .p.B BI don't -now a&o.t that . . .B BT.st (e,B I
said. BIt's definite)y o*e &etween (e and Ni,o)e.B That e*enin!, I showed .p at the aipot
and waited fo +a.)a &y the &a!!a!e ,)ai(. I saw he &efoe she saw (e, and she )oo-ed
as &ea.tif.) as e*e. She a)so )oo-ed -ind of st.nned, to &e honest. B ?hat ae yo. doin!
heeAB she as-ed. B?e)), it's &een a yea,B I said. BAnd it's o*e.B B4o.'e doneAB B?e'e
done.B I do*e he &a,- to he p)a,e, and she was sha-in! he head the who)e way,
.na&)e to &e)ie*e that this was ea))y happenin!. A yea ea)ie she'd waned (e that she
wasn't the type of !i) who wo.)d wait ao.nd fo (e, and she hadn't waited ao.nd, &.t
s.dden)y I was thee, and she was thee, and we &oth sti)) wanted ea,h othe. ?e spent
the ni!ht to!ethe, and the ne/t day I too- he to the aipot. ?e wee happy, )i-e a pai of
-ids, and I do*e ho(e wondein! why I'd e*e p.t he tho.!h s.,h he)). I was a)so
!atef.)Cshe was &ein! in,edi&)y .ndestandin!. '?hen I ea,hed he in Hono).). )ate
that day, howe*e, she so.nded a )itt)e )ess happy. BI'( sti)) h.t,B she said. BI'( soy,B I
said. BI did what I had to do. If I hadn't (ade an effot to -eep the fa(i)y to!ethe, I wo.)d
ha*e wondeed a&o.t it fo the est of (y )ife.B BIt was a )on! yea,B she said.
BIt was )on! fo (e, too.B BI don't honest)y -now what I want fo( yo.,B she said. BA)) I
-now is that I want to ta-e it ea) s)ow.B I was !a(e fo anythin!, and I to)d he so. I
wanted +a.)a &a,- in (y )ife and I (ade it ,)ea that I'd D.(p tho.!h hoops fo he. On
the othe hand, to &e ,o(p)ete)y honest, I wasn't s.e we ,o.)d (a-e it wo-. +a.)a was
)oo-in! to sett)e down and stat (a-in! &a&ies, and I was done with that pat of (y )ife. I
fi!.ed we ,o.)d ha*e that ,on*esation when she et.ned to 7os An!e)es, &.t it ne*e
happened. A few wee-s )ate, Ni,o)e and Ron >o)d(an wee dead, and I was &ein!
,ha!ed with the (.des. 6.t I'( !ettin! ahead of (yse)f a!ain. 7ess than a wee- afte
+a.)a )eft fo Hono).)., I was in New 4o- on &.siness, and I !ot a ,a)) fo( >i!i, (y
ho.se-eepe. She was .pset. She said Ni,o)e had D.st &een &y the ho.se, and that she'd
as-ed he to ta-e ,ae of the -ids that wee-end. B ?hat ae yo. ,yin! a&o.tAB I as-ed.
BThat's no eason to ,y.B BNi,o)e !ot (ad at (e,B >i!i said. B ?hat do yo. (ean she !ot
(adA ?hat i!ht does she ha*e to !et (adA 4o. wo- fo (e, and yo.'e off on
wee-ends. If yo. want to &a&ysit the -ids, that's &etween yo. and Ni,o)e, &.t she ,an't &e
,o(in! &y (a-in! de(ands.B B4es, si. That's what I tied to te)) he, &.t she said I'd &ette
&e hee when she ,a(e &y to dop off the -ids.B BThat's ,aFyH She's !ot no i!ht e*en
,o(in! &y the ho.se when I'( not thee. Don't woy a&o.t a thin!. I')) ta-e ,ae of it i!ht
away.B
I ,a))ed Ni,o)e the (o(ent we !ot off the phone. I was pissed, &.t I -ept it ,i*i)iFed. B>i!i
wo-s fo (e, and she has the wee-ends off,B I said. B4o. ,an't &e hass)in' he. 4o. an
5i,he)e off. +)ease don't do the sa(e with >i!i.B Ni,o)e didn't apo)o!iFe, &.t she didn't
,o(e &y the ho.se that wee-end, eithe. Two days )ate, howe*e, when I was &a,-, she
stopped &y to dop off the -ids, and I tho.!ht I head he ha*in! wods with :ato. I )oo-ed
o.t the window &.t ,o.)dn't see he, and I ,o.)dn't see :ato, eithe. He was po&a&)y
.nnin! fo the hi))s. I went downstais as the -ids ,a(e tho.!h the font doo, and Ni,o)e
was i!ht &ehind the(, wa)-in! in )i-e she owned the p)a,e. BI tho.!ht I to)d yo. to !et id
of :ato,B she &a-ed. BI don't want to ta)- a&o.t :ato,B I said. BNot now, not e*e.B BI ne*e
want to see hi( a!ain,B she said. BNi,, ,o(e onC&a,- off. The !.y to)d (e he fo.nd a
p)a,e, &.t it fe)) o.t.B B6.))shit.B I i!noed he. I too- the -ids o.t to the poo) and we D.(ped
into the wate. Ni,o)e wat,hed .s fo a few (in.tes, s,ow)in!. BI'( )ea*in!,B she said. I
)oo-ed at he, as if to say, So f.,-in! whatA 7ea*e a)eady. She !ot the (essa!e. She
t.ned and )eft. I h.n! o.t with the -ids and tied not to thin- a&o.t he, &.t it was had.
She was ,)ea)y deteioatin!. 5ay&e she was .pset &e,a.se we wee o*e. 5ay&e she
was ha*in! a had ti(e fa,in! the f.t.e. I didn't -now what the he)) it was, &.t it wasn't
!ood. I fo.nd (yse)f thin-in! of that o)d ,)i,hO a&o.t di*o,e: If yo.'*e !ot
-ids, yo.'e st.,- with that peson fo the est of yo. )ife. It was not a p)easant tho.!ht.
Afte the -ids !ot o.t of the poo), I ,a))ed Cathy Randa. I to)d he I tho.!ht Ni,o)e was
!ettin! wose, and that I didn't want to &e ao.nd he any(oe. It wasn't !ood fo (e, I
said, and it s.e as he)) wasn't !ood fo the -ids. I as-ed he to p)ease e*iew the
s,hed.)e, and to he)p (e aan!e a)) f.t.e pi,-;.ps and dop;offs. B4o. o-ayAB Cathy
as-ed (e. B4eah,B I said. BI'( fine. And if we ,an !et Ni,o)e hand)ed, I')) &e &ette than
fine.B I went &a,- to New 4o- on &.siness and et.ned a few days )ate, and the ne/t
(onin!C&efoe I was e*en o.t of &edCthe phone an!. It was Ni,o)e. BI'( si,-,B she
said. BI'*e !ot pne.(onia. Co.)d yo. ,o(e &y and ta-e the -ids to s,hoo)AB I !ot dessed
and h.ied o*e. She )oo-ed )i-e he)). I ,han!ed the &ed )inens and t.,-ed he &a,- into
&ed and too- the -ids to s,hoo), then I stopped at Fo(in's, a Santa 5oni,a de)i, to pi,-
.p so(e ,hi,-en so.p. I too- it &a,- to the ho.se and sat with he, wat,hin! he eat it. I
didn't .ndestand why she was si,-. This was (id;5ay. ?ho ,at,hes pne.(onia in (id;
5ayA I D.st -new this had to &e ,onne,ted to the d.!s. B4o.'e not doin! anythin! yo.'e
not s.pposed to &e doin!, ae yo.AB BO.'., p)ease. How (any ti(es ha*e I to)d yo.: I don't
want to ta)- a&o.t this.B The weid pat was she didn't deny it. She had a)ways &een a
)o.sy )ia, so she D.st a*oided the topi,. I wanted he to ta)- a&o.t it, tho.!h. So did he
(othe. So did anyone who ,aed a&o.t he.
He)), Coa Fish(an had &e!!ed he to ta)- a&o.t it. ?e a)) wanted he to fa,e this thin! so
she ,o.)d &e!in to do so(ethin! a&o.t it. BI wished we had tied hade,B she said.
BE/,.se (eAB BD.in! the yea we tied to e,on,i)e. I -now we ,o.)d ha*e done &ette.B
Now this was so(ethin! I didn't want to ta)- a&o.t, so I said nothin!. She set down he
so.p spoon and staed at (e. She )oo-ed )i-e a)) the hope had !one o.t of he. In the
,o.se of the pe*io.s yea, whi)e we wee sti)) wo-in! at e,on,i)in!, thee wee ti(es
when e*eythin! see(ed to &e !oin! ,o(p)ete)y to he))C&.t Ni,o)e ne*e stopped hopin!.
Now that we ween't e*en tyin! any(oe, howe*e, thee was nothin! to &e hopef.)
a&o.t, and that's what I saw in he eyes: A ,o(p)ete a&sen,e of hope. Fo the ne/t few
days, Ni,o)e was petty si,-. I ended .p sh.tt)in! the -ids to and fo( s,hoo) and to and
fo( (y ho.se, and Cathy Randa pit,hed in, &.t (ost)y Ni,o)e wanted (e to ta-e ,ae of
thin!s. I went to the pha(a,y to pi,- .p he (edi,ine, and I went &a,- to Fo(in's fo
se,ond and thid he)pin!s of ,hi,-en so.p, and I he)ped he ,han!e the )inens a ,o.p)e
(oe ti(es. Now don't !et (e won!: I'( not tyin! to s.!!est that I was the pefe,t e/;
h.s&and. A)) I'( sayin! is that I was *ey woied a&o.t he, and that I wanted to he)p he
find he way &a,-. No (atte what had !one won! in o. )i*esCand p)enty of shit had
!one won!Cshe was sti)) the (othe of (y -ids. I was st.,- with he, &.t fo thei sa-e I
wanted to &e st.,- with he. I'*e said it &efoe and I')) say it a!ain: Ni,o)e was a !eat
(othe. S,hoo)wo-. 5annes. Appeaan,e. She was a)) o*e
those -ids. The on)y thin! I o&De,ted to was when she t.ned into the othe Ni,o)e, and
that Ni,o)e was sti)) *ey (.,h ao.nd, sti)) ).-in!, eady to )eap o.t and (a-e (oe
to.&)e. 5eanwhi)e, +a.)a was &a,- in town, and I was tyin! to -eep that o(an,e !oin!.
It was stan!e. Not a)) that )on! a!o, I'd ,heated on (y !i)fiend with (y e/;wife. Now I
was ,heatin! a!ain, in a (anne of spea-in!: I was n.sin! (y e/;wife &a,- to hea)th and
tyin! to -eep (y !i)fiend fo( findin! o.t. BI sti)) thin- sepaatin! was a !ood thin!,B
Ni,o)e to)d (e a ,o.p)e of days )ate. ?e wee standin! in he -it,hen at the 6.ndy p)a,e,
and I was )ad)in! hot so.p into a ,)ean &ow). BI D.st wish I'd (ade a )itt)e (oe po!ess in
theapy.B B4o. don't thin- the theapy he)pedAB BIt he)ped, I !.ess. 6.t it didn't ea))y
,han!e anythin!. I wanted to !et ston!e fo .s, so that we ,o.)d ha*e a ston!e
e)ationship, &.t that didn't wo- o.t too we)).B B ?e)), yo. -nowCthat shit ta-es ti(e.B BI
a)eady 0.it theapy,B she said. BI didn't thin- I was (a-in! eno.!h po!ess.B A few days
)ateCthis was in )ate 5ay, )ess than a (onth &efoe Ni,o)e's deathCI was ha*in! a paty
at (y ho.se fo the -ids and thei ,)ass(ates. It was a )itt)e f.nd;aise fo the s,hoo), and
this was the thid ,onse,.ti*e yea I'd p)ayed host. I had ,)owns and (a!i,ians and those
&o.n,y thin!s fo the )itt)e -ids, and, of ,o.se, )ots of !ood food fo e*eyone. The day of
the pi,ni,, :ato was on his way o.t of the ho.se to (eet so(e fiends, and he sopped &y
the paty to say he))o. I head
the -ids !i*in! hi( a had ti(eCthey wee epeatin! a)) the thin!s they'd )eaned fo(
Ni,o)e: that he was a fee)oade and a &.(C and I went o*e and to)d the( to ,.t it o.t. I
wasn't (ean a&o.t it, tho.!h. I ea)iFed they didn't -now any &ette. Ni,o)e had poisoned
the( with he an!e. To te)) yo. the t.th, tho.!h, I was a )itt)e si,- of :ato (yse)f. I'd
a)eady to)d hi( to find a p)a,e of his own, on (oe than one o,,asion, and he -ept
ass.in! (e that he was tyin!. It's not )i-e he was .ndefoot o anythin!, tho.!h, so I
didn't !i*e it (.,h tho.!ht, &.t that was one of the thin!s that (ade it had fo (e to
.ndestand the depth of Ni,o)e's a!e: She saw hi( e*en )ess than I did, &.t the (ention
of his na(e ,o.)d ea))y set he off. A&o.t an ho. afte :ato )eft, Ni,o)e showed .p in the
(idd)e of the pi,ni,. The fist wods o.t of he (o.th wee, B?hee's :atoA I s.e hope I
don't see hi(.B BHe )eft,B I said. I wondeed what she was doin! thee, &.t sin,e she had
often ,o;hosted that )itt)e pi,ni, with (e, I wasn't !oin! to as- he to )ea*e. B4o. fee)in!
&etteAB I as-ed. Instead of answein!, she ea,hed .p and !a*e (e a )itt)e -iss, then she
went ao.nd sayin! he))o to the paents, (ost of who( she -new fo( s,hoo). She was
a,tin! *ey fiend)y, and &eha*in! )i-e the hostess, and e*en than-in! peop)e fo ,o(in!. I
tho.!ht that was petty stan!e. E*eyone -new we wee no )on!e to!ethe. E*eyone
-new she didn't )i*e thee any(oe. I tied not to thin- a&o.t it. I went inside and Doined
so(e of the dads, who wee wat,hin! the N6A p)ayoffs . A few (in.tes
)ate, Ni,o)e ,a(e down and dopped onto the ,o.,h ne/t to (e and as-ed (e to .& he
feet. I .&&ed he feet fo a few (in.tes, (ost)y &e,a.se I didn't want to !et into anythin!.
She was pa)e and sti)) )oo-ed petty si,-. B4o. o-ayAB I as-ed. BUh h.h,B she said. B'.st
tied.B I stopped .&&in! he feet and to)d he to !o .pstais and )ie down, and I said I'd
stop in )ate to ,he,- on he. She went, and I tho.!ht I'd !otten id of he, &.t within a few
(in.tes >i!i, (y ho.se-eepe, ,a(e &y to te)) (e that Ni,o)e was as-in! fo (e. I went
.pstais, f.stated, and fo.nd he )yin! on (y &ed. B?hat's .pAB I as-ed. B?hy is :ato sti))
heeAB B ?hy is :ato sti)) heeA ?hat the he)) does that ha*e to do with anythin!A He's not
hee now.B BI hate hi(.B BFo Chist's sa-e, Ni,o)e, yo.'e the one who as-ed (e to p.t
hi( .p.B BI -now,B she said. B6.t that was fi*e (onths a!o. He was s.pposed to wo- fo
his ent, and he's not wo-in!. He's not doin! shit fo (e. I -eep as-in! yo. to !et id of
hi(, and yo.'e not !ettin! id of hi(.B B ?hy ae we ha*in! this ,on*esation nowAB I said.
BI'*e !ot peop)e downstais.B B ?e'e ha*in! this ,on*esation now &e,a.se I don't want
hi( ao.nd any(oe. I don't want to see hi( when I'( hee.B I fe)t )i-e sayin!, No&ody
as-ed yo. to ,o(e &y, &.t I didn't. The who)e thin! was ,aFy. Ni,o)e wasn't (a-in! any
sense on any )e*e).
BI don't )i-e >i!i eithe,B she said s.dden)y. B >i!iA ?hat has she e*e done to yo.A ?hat
is !oin! on with yo., Ni,o)eA Ae yo. on so(ethin! &esides anti&ioti,sAB B ?hy ae yo.
sti)) !i*in! (e shit a&o.t thatAB she snapped. B6e,a.se I'( woied a&o.t yo.,B I said.
BIsn't that sweetAB she said, &.t she had an ed!e in he *oi,e. 5an, I didn't need that shit.
I t.ned ao.nd and )eft the oo( witho.t anothe wod. To &e honest with yo., Ni,o)e's
&eha*io was &e!innin! to s,ae (e. The paty wo.nd down witho.t in,ident, and Ni,o)e
went ho(e, a)so witho.t in,ident, &.t the ne/t day I had +a.)a o*e, and we wee
wat,hin! a (o*ie on TE, wo-in! on o. e)ationship, ta-in! it s)ow, when the phone an!.
It was Ni,o)e. She was s,ea(in! so )o.d that I had to ta-e the phone into the -it,hen. B
?hy ae yo. tyin! to stea) (y fiendsAHB she sho.ted. BStea) yo. fiendsA ?hat the he))
ae yo. ta)-in! a&o.tAB B4o. in*ited the( to the f.nd;aiseHB 'es.sH I ,o.)dn't &e)ie*e it.
She was ta)-in! a&o.t the spots &an0.et I was hostin! to aise (oney fo Cedas;Sinai,
fo ,hi)den with &ith defe,ts. The pe*io.s fa)), whi)e Ni,o)e and I wee sti)) to!ethe, o
tyin! to &e to!ethe, I had s.!!ested that she as- so(e of he fiends to Doin .s at o.
ta&)e. I had (y do.&ts a&o.t these so;,a))ed fiends, &.t Ni,o)e had to)d (e, epeated)y,
that I was won! a&o.t the(, and I wanted to !i*e he an oppot.nity to show (e I was
won!. She ,o.)d &in! the( to the f.nd;aise and (ay&e I'd find o.t that they wee t.)y
the !ood, de,ent peop)e she was te))in! (e they wee.
Afte Ni,o)e and I sp)it .p, tho.!h, definiti*e)y this ti(e, I'd as-ed +a.)a to ,o(e with (e to
the f.nd;aise. I didn't thin- she wo.)d &e a)) that ,o(fota&)e ao.nd Ni,o)e's fiends,
tho.!h, so I had to disin*ite the(. Ron Fish(an and his son, 5i,hae), wee sti)) we),o(e,
as was Chistian Rei,hadt, &.t I didn't want to fo,e +a.)a to dea) with the !i)sCCoa o
Faye o any of those peop)eC&e,a.se I didn't thin- it wo.)d &e fai to he, o e*en to
Ni,o)e, fan-)y. ?hen I ,a))ed Faye to te)) he that the p)ans had ,han!ed, and that I didn't
thin- the e*enin! was !oin! to wo- o.t, she tied to set (e stai!ht. BI tho.!ht Chistian
and I wee yo. fiends,B she said. B ?e)), yo. ae (y fiends,B I said. L?hat the he)) was I
!oin! to sayAM And she said, BThen why ,an't we ,o(eAB I tied to e/p)ain it to he,
s.!!estin! that it (i!ht &e had on +a.)a, and she to)d (e that that didn't thin- (a-e any
sense at a)). BO.'., we don't p)ay that !a(e,B she said. B?e don't ta-e sides. ?e want to
&e yo. fiends, and we'd )o*e to (eet +a.)a.B At that point, what ,o.)d I doA BFine,B I said.
B4o. ,an ,o(e.B So thee I was in the -it,hen, with Ni,o)e s,ea(in! at (e a&o.t the
f.nd;aise, de(andin! an e/p)anation. BI didn't in*ite FayeHB I ho))eed &a,-. BFaye in*ited
hese)fHB B7iaHB she ye))ed. B4o.'e a !odda(n )iaHB 5y >odH This wo(an was ,aFy. One
day I was an an!e), the &est thin! that e*e happened to he, and the ne/t day I was
Satan hi(se)f.
I h.n! .p and ,a))ed Faye's ho.se. Chistian Rei,hadt answeed the phone. I to)d hi(
what was happenin!, and he p.t Faye on the phone, and I e/p)ained how Ni,o)e had D.st
!one &a))isti, o*e the f.nd;aise. BCo(e on, O.'.,B she said. B4o. -now what this is
a&o.t.B BNo,B I said. BI don't -now what this is a&o.tHB BThis has nothin! to do with the f.nd;
aise. Ni,o)e sti)) )o*es yo., and she's .pset &e,a.se yo.'e a)eady &a,- with +a.)a.B B
?ho ,aes a&o.t thatAB I snapped. BIt's o*e &etween .s. I ,an &e with whoe*e I want,
and so ,an she. I don't te)) he who to !o o.t with and I don't ,ae, and I wish to he)) she'd
(o*e on a)eady.B B ?e)) that's the po&)e(,B Faye said. BShe ,an't (o*e on. She )o*es
yo.. It's easy fo yo. to (o*e on &e,a.se yo. don't )o*e he, &.t she's sti)) ,aFy a&o.t
yo. and ,an't )et !o.B I didn't want to !et into a )on!, phi)osophi,a) ,on*esation. BFaye,B I
said, BI don't ha*e ti(e fo this shit. I D.st need a fa*o fo( yo.. I need yo. to ,a)) Ni,o)e
and te)) he that yo. in*ited yo.se)f to this thin!. 4o. D.st do that one fa*o fo (e, o-ayA
And whi)e yo.'e at it, p)ease te)) he I don't !i*e a shit who she dates o anythin! e)se.B I
-now that wasn't the ni,est thin! to say, &.t I didn't ea))y ,ae at that point. I was si,- of
dea)in! with Ni,o)e's ,ap. And I had +a.)a in the othe oo(, waitin!. The est of the
e*enin! went petty we)), and that's a)) I'( !oin! to say a&o.t that. The ne/t day, as I was
headin! into town in (y ,a, I saw Ni,o)e and Coa Do!!in! tho.!h the nei!h&ohood. I
didn't sop,
&.t I ,a))ed Ni,o)e's ho.seC-nowin! she wo.)dn't &e thee to answe the phoneCand )eft
a (essa!e on he (a,hine: BI hope Faye e/p)ained a)) the f.nd;aise &.))shit to yo.
yesteday,B I said. BIf she didn't, yo. need to ta)- to he. I p.pose)y did not in*ite he and
Faye &e,a.se I didn't fee) ,o(fota&)e ha*in! the( ao.nd +a.)a. That's the t.th. Othe
than that, p)ease do not ,a)) (e fo anythin!. If it's not a&o.t the -ids, I don't want to hea
fo( yo..B That was the t.th. It was a)so definite)y t.e that I didn't want to hea fo( he.
And that i!ht thee is the eason we ween't ta)-in! at the ti(e of he death. Not &e,a.se
I'd theatened he, &.t &e,a.se I'd had (y !odda(n fi)) of he. She was poisonin! (e with
he an!e, and I needed to !et away fo( it. The ne/t day, not e*en two wee-s &efoe
Ni,o)e's death, Coa Fish(an ,a))ed and as-ed if she ,o.)d stop &y the ho.se. She )i*ed a
,o.p)e of &)o,-s away, and she ,a(e o*e, and she was ,yin! &efoe she e*en stated
ta)-in!. B'?hat's won!AB I said. B4o.'*e !ot to do so(ethin! a&o.t Ni,o)e,B she said.
B4o.'*e !ot to !et he away fo( these peop)e.B BHeyCdon't yo. thin- I'*e tiedAHB BThen
do it &y fo,e if yo. ha*e to,B she said. BR.n an inte*ention. 6.t do so(ethin!. I'(
&e!!in! yo..B BI'( si,- of tyin!.B B4o. don't .ndestand,B she said. B?e had a &i! fi!ht
yesteday, afte we went Do!!in!. Ni,o)e is one of (y &est fiends. ?e'*e ne*e had a fi!ht
)i-e that. She D.st ef.ses to a,,ept that she's in seio.s to.&)e, and in (y heat I -now
so(ethin! had is !oin! o happen.B
I')) &e honest with yo.: I )i-ed Coa, &.t I wasn't (o*ed &y he teas. BDon't te)) (e.B I said.
BTe)) he (othe. Te)) anothe fiend. I'( finished with he.B BO.'., p)easeHB BHey,B I
snapped. BIt ain't (y po&)e(HB That was the end of the ,on*esation. 5.,h )ate, of
,o.se, d.in! the tia), and d.in! those (any (onths &ehind &as, I often tho.!ht &a,-
to that (o(ent, and I fe)t petty !.i)ty a&o.t it. 6.t at the ti(e I was ,o(p)ete)y done with
Ni,o)e, and I was espondin! as I saw fit. It see(ed )i-e no (atte how (.,h I tied to do
fo he, no (atte how patient and easona&)e I was, (y !ood intentions a)ways ,a(e
&a,- to &ite (e in the ass. So I was petty an!y at that point, yeah. I didn't want to see
he, I didn't want to hea fo( he, and I didn't want to dea) with any of he shit. I had done
the &est I ,o.)d, and it wasn't !ood eno.!h, and at that point I wanted to p.t so(e (i)es
&etween .s. Coa )eft the ho.se, .nhappy and f.stated, and I didn't ta)- to he a!ain .nti)
afte the (.des. 5.,h )ate, I head that the po&)e(s o*e on 6.ndy on)y see(ed to !et
wose &y the day. Faye Resni,- had an a,i(onio.s fa))in! o.t with he fian,O, and
s.pposed)y (o*ed into Ni,o)e's ho.se on o ao.nd '.ne 3. Then thee was so(e ta)-
a&o.t he !oin! into eha&. 6.t appaent)y she didn't want to !o a)one, and she -ept
insistin! that Ni,o)e was as (essed .p as she was. BI'( not !oin! .n)ess Ni,o)e !oesHB
she -ept ho))ein!, e*en when they wee ta-in! he away. BShe's in wose shape than
(eHB 7i-e I said, I don't
-now if this is entie)y a,,.ate, &.t that was the stoy, and I ,etain)y &e)ie*ed one pat of
itCthe pat a&o.t Ni,o)e &ein! as (essed .p as Faye. I &e)ie*ed it &e,a.se I'd seen it. In
a stan!e way, I was a,t.a))y -ind of hopin! that Ni,o)e wo.)d hit the wa)). I fi!.ed she
wo.)dn't e*en &e!in to thin- a&o.t a,-now)ed!in! he po&)e(s, o !ettin! pofessiona)
he)p fo the(, .nti) she was ,o(p)ete)y o.t of options. A few days )ate, whi)e I was in New
4o-, I !ot a ,a)) fo( >i!i, the ho.se-eepe. I had ne*e head he so .pset. BNi,o)e was
D.st hee,B she said, and she &e!an to ,y. BShe was s,ea(in! at (e and ,.sin!.B B?hat
was she doin! theeAB BShe ,a(e to te)) (e that he (ai) wo.)d &e ,o(in! to the ho.se,
and that I sho.)d p.t it aside fo he.B That's when I fo.nd o.t that she was sti)) tyin! to
,on the IRS. She wanted the( to thin- that she had ta-en the (oney fo( the sa)e of he
San Fan,is,o ,ondo and .sed it to &.y the 6.ndy ,ondo, anothe in*est(ent popety.
On)y it wasn't an in*est(ent popetyG it was he ho(e. I ,a))ed (y )awye, stea(in!. BI
,an't ha*e he ,o(in! &y the ho.se any(oe,B I said. BShe a)eady ,ost (e one
ho.se-eepe, and now she's !ot the new one ,yin! and on the *e!e of 0.ittin!.B BSo te))
he,B (y )awye said. BI don't want to ta)- to he,B I said. BThen wite he a )ette,B he
s.!!ested. ?e wote it to!ethe. I to)d he I was not !oin! to is- ha*in! the IRS ,o(e
afte (e &e,a.se she wanted o p)ay fist and )oose
with the ta/ )aws. BI don't want yo. (ai) ,o(in! to (y ho.se,B I noted, Bso p)ease (a-e
othe aan!e(ents. Do what yo.'*e !ot to do, &.t don't (a-e (e pat of it.B 5.,h )ate,
d.in! the tia), the pose,.tion tied to (a-e it so.nd as if I'd &een theatenin! he, and
that this was (y way of p.nishin! he fo )ea*in! (e. I don't -now how they !ot that fo(
the fa,ts, &.t it see(s )i-e (ost epotes ne*e )et the fa,ts !et in the way of a !ood
stoy. I was si(p)y tyin! to -eep he on the stai!ht and naow. The !ist of it was, B4o.'e
not )i*in! hee, and yo.'e not !oin! to )i*e hee, so yo. need to ta-e ,ae of this. If the
IRS ,o(es, I'( !oin! to te)) the( the t.th.B 6y this point, as yo. ,an we)) i(a!ine, we
wee petty (.,h not ta)-in!. On '.ne 11, I too- +a.)a 6a&iei to a f.nd;aise fo a
pediati, hospita) in Isae). 5a!a)it Shaon, the wife of the Isae)i pi(e (iniste, was
hostin! it. ?hen it was o*e, +a.)a and I went &a,- to (y p)a,e and (ade )o*e. I fe)t I had
ea))y fa))en fo he, and thin!s see(ed to !et &ette &y the day. The fo))owin! day, '.ne
1#, was the day of Sydney's e,ita). Sydney was doin! a )itt)e dan,e thin! at he s,hoo),
with he )itt)e ,)ass(ates, and I was ea))y )oo-in! fowad to it. Ni,o)e ,a))ed (e )ate that
aftenoon to as- (e if I was &in!in! (y son, 'ason, and to see whethe I ,o.)d !et thee
ea)y to ese*e a few seats. I was tied .p with st.ff, so I to)d he I po&a&)y wo.)dn't !et
thee ti)) si/, when the e,ita) stated. I a)so to)d he that I was ,o(in! a)one. I don't -now
whethe she tho.!ht I'd &e &in!in! +a.)a, &.t I wanted to set he (ind at ease, so I
*o).nteeed that info(ation. I had
de,ided not to &in! +a.)a o.t of espe,t fo Ni,o)e and he fa(i)y, and I'd a)eady ta)-ed
to +a.)a a&o.t it. Unfot.nate)y, that ,on*esation had not !one we)). She had wanted to
,o(e, and she didn't see why I had to -eep he away fo( the 6owns. BI don't -now why
it's s.,h a &i! dea),B she said. BThey a)) -now a&o.t (e.B BI D.st thin- it's &ette this way,B I
said. BIt')) &e easie on e*eyone.B +a.) didn't a!ee and she went a)) ,o)d on (e. I -new I
was in fo a )ot of apo)o!iFin!, and a )ot of da(a!e ,onto). 6.t what ,o.)d I doA I tho.!ht I
was (a-in! the i!ht de,ision. ?hen I !ot to the e,ita), I saw Ni,o)e and he paents,
'.ditha and 7o.. Ni,o)e was weain! a shot s-it that wo.)d ha*e )oo-ed inappopiate on
a si/teen;yea;o)d. I tho.!ht she )oo-ed idi,.)o.s, &.t I didn't say anythin!. Sti)), it ea))y
(ade (e wonde. ?hat did she see when she )oo-ed at hese)f in the (ioA ?as he
(ind so (.dd)ed that she'd )ost he !ip on ea)ityA I went o*e and said he))o to e*eyone,
and Ni,o)e pointed at the seat she'd he)d fo (e. It was two seats away fo( hes. The
seats in the (idd)e wee fo the -ids, who wo.)d &e .nnin! ao.nd tho.!ho.t the
e*enin!. Ni,o)e's siste, Denise, was in the ow in font of (e. She t.ned ao.nd and
s(i)ed a &i! s(i)e and ea,hed o*e and !a*e (e a -iss. Shot)y afte the e*enin! !ot
.nde way, I nodded off in (y ,hai. I don't -now if yo.'*e e*e &een to one of these
thin!s, &.t they !o on foe*e, and thee wee po&a&)y twenty n.(&es &efoe Sydney
!ot he t.n on sta!e. ?hen I wo-e .p, stat)ed, they sti)) hadn't (ade (.,h po!ess, and
I )oo-ed ao.nd and noti,ed that
a )ot of paents wee ho)din! ni,e &o.0.ets. Da(nH I had fo!otten the f)owes. I )eaned
o*e and ,he,-ed the s,hed.)e, and thee wee at )east ha)f;a;doFen a,ts &efoe Sydney
hit the sta!e, so I wo-ed (y way down the ais)e and h.ied into the pa-in! )ot. I !ot into
(y ,a and do*e into 6entwood and pi,-ed .p so(e f)owes, and I !ot &a,- in p)enty of
ti(e. ?e wat,hed Sydney do he n.(&e, and ,)apped )o.de than e*eyone e)se, and
then thee was a &ief inte(ission. Sydney ,a(e o*e, &ea(in!, and I !a*e he the
f)owes. She )oo-ed a&so).te)y &ea.tif.). ?hen she went o*e to ta)- to he !andpaents,
I )oo-ed .p and saw Ron Fish(an, Coa's h.s&and. ?e shoo- hands and he )ed (e off to
one side. BO.'., (an, yo. wo.)dn't &e)ie*e what's !oin! on,B he said. B?ith whatAB BThe
wo(en. E*ey&ody's (ad at e*ey&ody. Ni,o)e's not ta)-in! to Coa &e,a.se Coa's .pset
a&o.t the d.! .se and a&o.t the peop)e she's han!in! o.t with. Faye !ot -i,-ed o.t of
the ho.se &y ChistianCd.!s a!ainCand ended .p at Ni,o)e's. Then they did an
inte*ention witho.t e*en te))in! Chistian, and fo so(e easons he's pissed off a&o.t
that. It's a (ess. It's a)) a h.!e (ess.B BI head a .(o Faye was (essin' .p,B I said. BI
don't -now,B he said. BA)) I -now is that they too- he to eha&, -i,-in! and s,ea(in!. She
wanted Ni,o)e to !o with he. She said, 'If I !o, she needs to !o, &e,a.se she's din-in!
and doin! ,o-e wose than I a(.' 6.t Ni,o)e wo.)dn't !o.B BI -new this shit was !oin! on,B I
said. BI tied to do so(ethin! a&o.t it, &.t Ni,o)e wo.)dn't e*en ta)- a&o.t it.B
BI -now,B he said. BCoa to)d (e that she tied to ta)- to yo. a&o.t it, and that yo. said yo.
wee si,- of a)) the &.))shit.B I fe)t a )itt)e twin!e of !.i)t, &.t it passed. B ?hat's !oin! on
with yo. and CoaAB I as-ed. BI'( heain! so(e st.ff.B Ron )oo-ed petty ,.shed fo a few
(o(ents, &.t he p.))ed hi(se)f to!ethe. B?e sp)it .p. ?e'*e &een to!ethe fo se*enteen
yeas, and it's o*e.B He didn't te)) (e what had sp)it the( .p, and I didn't as-. B ?ow,B I
said. B4o.'e i!ht. It's a h.!e (ess.B B4eah,B he said. BAnd I'( s.e we don't -now the ha)f
of it.B As I wo-ed (y way &a,- to (y seat, fo the se,ond pat of the show, a few peop)e
,a(e &y to say he))o, &.t I was a )itt)e dista,ted. I didn't )i-e what Ron had saidC?e don't
-now the ha)f of itC&e,a.se I -new he was i!ht. Thee was a )ot of weid shit happenin!
ao.nd Ni,o)e and those !i)s, and it on)y see(ed to &e !ettin! weide. As I sat down, I
saw Ni,o)e )oo-in! at (e, )i-e she was wondein! what Ron and I had &een ta)-in! a&o.t,
&.t I didn't say a wod to he. I didn't want to !et into it. At so(e point, we wee !oin! to
ha*e to fa,e this thin! head on, and I was po&a&)y !oin! to need he fa(i)y's he)p, &.t
this wasn't the ti(e o the p)a,e fo it. I was .pset eno.!h. If I ta)-ed to he now, I -new I'd
D.st !et an!y. I was a)so *ey tied. I'd &een in a&o.t fo. ,ities in the past wee-, and I
had a )ate f)i!ht to Chi,a!o that ni!ht, fo a !etto!ethe with the peop)e at HetF. I waited
fo the se,ond ha)f of the show to &e!in. That's what I was thee fo, afte a)). Fo (y -ids.
I wasn't !oin! o do anythin! that (i!ht .in thin!s fo the(.
The se,ond ha)f see(ed shote, o (ay&e I D.st nodded off a!ain. ?hen it was o*e,
Sydney ,a(e .nnin! o*e, and we had o. pi,t.e ta-en to!ethe. Then I an into '.dy,
who was a)) s(i)es. B?hee's Ni,o)eAB she said. BAen't we !oin! to dinneAB B4o. !.ys
ae !oin!,B I said. BI ain't !oin!.B Denise ,a(e o*e and !a*e (e anothe &i! -iss, and 7o.
showed .p and shoo- (y hand and said he))o. BI'( not !oin! to dinne,B I to)d hi(. BI'*e
!ot to stay away fo( yo. da.!hte.B I said it with a &i! s(i)e, tho.!h, as if I was hosin!
ao.nd, &.t deep down I (eant it. I did not want to &e ao.nd Ni,o)e. 5.,h )ate, d.in!
the tia), this who)e e*enin! &e,a(e a h.!e iss.e. Fo states, the pose,.tion tied to
s.!!est that I hadn't &een in*ited to dinne, and that I was .pset a&o.t it. I didn't need an
in*itation. It wasn't )i-e that. If I had wanted to !o to dinne, I wo.)d ha*e !one. 6.t I'( the
one who didn't want to !o. I didn't ha*e the ene!y to !et into anythin! with Ni,o)e, and I
-new we'd !et into it if I was thee. The )ast ti(e we'd ta)-ed, pio to o. &ief
,on*esation ea)ie in the day, was when she ,a))ed to s,ea( at (e a&o.t ta-in! he
fiends to that f.nd;aise. Faye had spo-en to he the ne/t day, to set the e,od stai!ht,
&.t Ni,o)e had ne*e &otheed to apo)o!iFe to (e. If I was pissed off a&o.t anythin!, that
was it. I was &o.!ht .p to a,-now)ed!e (y (ista-es and to do so(ethin! a&o.t the(.
Ni,o)e had on,e had the sa(e *a).es as (e, &.t I !.ess they !ot )ost in the sh.ff)e. So,
no. I did not )ea*e the e,ita) B.pset and an!y,B as so(e peop)e wo.)d ha*e yo. &e)ie*e.
And I didn't thin- the 6owns wee inde&ted to (e fo a)) the wondef.) thin!s I'd done fo
the( o*e
the yeas, as othe peop)e s.!!estedCtho.!h >od -nows I had done an awf.) )ot of
wondef.) thin!s fo the(. And I wasn't in the da- (ood atti&.ted to (e &y se*ea)
peop)e who wee at the e,ita), in,).din! Canda,e >a*ey, wife of &ase&a))'s Ste*e
>a*ey, who !ot on the stand and to)d the ,o.t that I was Bsi((ein!B and )oo-ed
Bspoo-y.B He)), e*en Denise testified that I was in a hoi&)e (ood. BHe )oo-ed )i-e he
wasn't thee,B she said. BHe )oo-ed )i-e he was in spa,e.B A)) of this wo.)d ha*e &een *ey
da(a!in!, of ,o.se, e/,ept that thee was a !.y fo( +ot)and at the e,eption, and he
saw (e thee, (in!)in! with (y fa(i)y, and se,et)y shot a )itt)e *ideo of (e to entetain
his fiends &a,- ho(e. ?hen the tia) e*ent.a))y !ot .nde way, he was &a,- in +ot)and,
wat,hin! the po,eedin!s on TE, and he head a)) sots of &.))shit testi(ony a&o.t (y
hoi&)e state of (ind. He was a )itt)e ta-en a&a,-, to say the )east, so he d.! .p the tape
and sent a ,opy to 7os An!e)es, and the defense tea( )ate p)ayed it fo the ,o.t. ?hat
was I doin! on the tapeA I was )a.!hin!. I was ,a,-in! Do-es with 7o.. I was ta)-in! to
Denise, who )eaned o*e and -issed (eCfo the se,ond ti (e that ni!ht. And I was
hosin! ao.nd with (y -ids. I was a)so doin! (y &est to stay away fo( Ni,o)e,
ad(itted)y. I wasn't !oin! to !o anywhee nea that wo(an. I was si,- and tied of he
shit. If she wanted to ta-e hese)f down, that was one thin!. 6.t I wasn't !oin! to )et he
ta-e (e down with he.
%.
THE NI>HT I N @UESTION
I was in a )o.sy (ood afte the e,ita). I was e/ha.sted, and not )oo-in! fowad to !ettin!
on anothe p)ane, &.t (ost of a)) I was .pset a&o.t (y &ief ,on*esation with Ron
Fish(an. I didn't )i-e what Ron had said a&o.t Ni,o)e and the !i)s: ?e don't -now the ha)f
of it. The ha)f I did -now a&o.t was &ad eno.!h, &.t Ron see(ed to thin- it was wose
than eithe of .s i(a!ined. I a)so tho.!ht &a,- to (y ,on*esation with Coa, Ron's wife,
and fe)t anothe twin!e of !.i)t. I'd petty (.,h !i*en .p on Ni,o)e, &.t she was sti)) the
(othe of (y -ids. I had to do so(ethin!G if not fo he, fo the(. Fo a few (o(ents,
sittin! thee in (y )i*in! oo(, I wondeed if I sho.)d theaten to fi!ht he fo ,.stody. The
idea was not to ta-e the -ids away fo( he ;1 -new that wo.)d destoy he
&.t to sha-e he .p so &ad)y that she'd fina))y stat tyin! to !et he shit to!ethe. The !i)
was an a,,ident waitin! to happen. As I was thin-in! a&o.t this possi&i)ity, :ato showed
.p. He was ,ayin! a towe) and a (a!aFine and as-ed if he ,o.)d .se the 'a,.FFi.
BS.e,B I said. BHow was the e,ita)AB BFine.B BDid yo. ta)- to Ni,o)eAB BI went o.t of (y
way to not ta)- to he,B I said. B4o. )oo- &.((ed, (an. ?hat happenedAB BNothin!,B I
said. BThis shit's end)ess. 4o. sho.)d ha*e seen the s-it she was weain!. She thin-s
she's sti)) a teena!e.B BCan I as- yo. so(ethin!AB :ato said. B?hy is Ni,o)e so f.,-in!
(ad at (eAB I didn't want to !et into itCa)) that &.siness a&o.t :ato )i*in! ent;fee
witho.t doin! anythin! to ean itCso I to)d hi( not to woy. B4o. -now how she is,B I said.
BShe p.ts he an!e and ,aFiness on e*eyone e)se.B I noti,ed the (a!aFine in his hand.
It was the ,.ent iss.e of +)ay&oy. :ato f)ipped it open and showed (e one of the !i)s
inside. He said he -new he and ,o.)d intod.,e (e, &.t I wasn't inteested. He went off to
!et into the 'a,.FFi and I fo.nd (yse)f thin-in! a&o.t a Raides ,hee)eade I'd -nown
so(e yeas &a,-. She )oo-ed a )itt)e )i-e the !i) in +)ay&oy. I d.! .p he n.(&e and
,a))ed, and when he (a,hine pi,-ed .p I )eft a (essa!e. BHey, it's (e. O.'. I wanted o
see how yo. wee doin!, and o te)) yo. that
I'( a fee (anCa tota))y fee (an. Ca)) (e.B I h.n! .p and ea)iFed that I ea))y did fee)
-ind of fee, &.t the fee)in! on)y )asted a few (o(ents. I fo.nd (yse)f thin-in! a&o.t
Ni,o)e a!ain, and then a&o.t +a.)a. I was pissed at Ni,o)e, and +a.)a was pissed at (e
&e,a.se of Ni,o)e. 5ay&e I sho.)d ha*e ta-en +a.)a to the e,eption. I had tied to &e
espe,tf.) of Ni,o)e and the 6owns, and on,e a!ain I !ot &it in the ass fo (y effots. I
went into (y ho(e offi,e and stated !ettin! so(e of (y thin!s to!ethe fo the tip. I
noti,ed I on)y had h.nded;do))a &i))s, and I -new I'd need a few fi*es fo the aipot
s-y,aps, so I went o.t to see if :ato had any ,han!e. He was a)eady done with the
'a,.FFi, whi,h he'd )eft .nnin!, and I t.ned it off and went &y the !.est ho.se. B:ato,
(an, p)ease ty to e(e(&e to t.n the 'a,.FFi off when yo. !et o.t,B I said. BDid I fo!et
to t.n it offAB he as-ed. 5an, I .sed to wonde if the !.y was a)) theeH B4eah, :ato. 4o.
fo!ot to t.n it off.B BI'( soy.B I he)d o.t a C;note and as-ed if he ,o.)d &ea- it, &.t a)) he
had was twenties. I &oowed one, and to)d hi( I'd pay hi( &a,-. BI need it,B I said. BI D.st
ea)iFed I ha*en't eaten anythin!, and I'( !oin! to .n o*e to 5,Dona)d's.B BCan I !o with
yo.AB he said. BS.e,B I said. B6.t h.y .p. I'( pessed fo ti(e.B ?e too- the 6ent)ey and
odeed at the di*e;th. window. I ate (y &.!e on the ide &a,-. :ato sa*ed his fo
)ate.
I was &.sy eatin!, so I didn't ta)- (.,h, and I fo.nd (yse)f thin-in! &a,- to the e,ita), and
to how ,.te Sydney had )oo-ed .p on sta!e, doin! he )itt)e dan,e n.(&e. It p.t (e in a
da- (ood. The )ast few ti(es I'd ,a))ed Ni,o)e to ty to !et the -ids, whi,h I often did on
the sp. of the (o(ent, she had !one o.t of he way to (a-e it had fo (e. She a)ways
fo.nd so(e eason not to )et (e ta-e the(. The -ids ae tied. They'*e D.st eaten. They'*e
had eno.!h e/,ite(ent fo one day. I ,o.)dn't .ndestand it. She didn't e*en want (e to
see (y own -ids. It see(ed )i-e she was (a-in! e*eythin! as diffi,.)t as possi&)e fo (e.
It's t.e what they say a&o.t ne*e ea))y -nowin! anothe peson. Ni,o)e wasn't e*en
Ni,o)e any(oe. She was a ,o(p)ete stan!e to (e. I finished the &.!e and fe)t )o.sy. It
had !one down won!. ?hen we !ot &a,- to the ho.se, I went inside and stated pa,-in!,
)ayin! so(e of (y thin!s o.t on the &ed. Then I went to the !aa!e to !et (y !o)f ,).&s.
Thee wee a few dead &a))s in the &a!, so I set the( on the di*eway and ,hipped the(
into the nei!h&o's yad. I ,o.)dn't see( to stop thin-in! a&o.t Ni,o)e, tho.!h. Us.a))y,
when I pi,- .p a !o)f ,).&, the wo)d disappeasC that's one of the thin!s I )i-e a&o.t the
spotC&.t this ti(e, I ,o.)dn't !et he o.t of (y head. I e(e(&e thin-in!, That wo(an is
!oin! to &e the death of (e. It was po&a&)y ao.nd 8:3$ &y then. I fi!.ed Ni,o)e and the
-ids and the 6owns had finished dinne and !one thei sepaate ways. As I fo.nd o.t
)ate, they'd eaten at 5eFFa).na, an Ita)ian p)a,e on San Ei,ente 6o.)e*ad, in the heat of
6entwood.
Ni,o)e's (othe, '.dy, had )eft he !)asses at the esta.ant, and she'd ,a))ed Ni,o)e, who
,a))ed the esta.ant, and )eaned they'd fo.nd the !)asses. She was a)so to)d that Ron
>o)d(an was D.st finishin! his shift waitin! ta&)es, and that he wo.)d &e happy to dop off
the !)asses at the 6.ndy ,ondo when he was done. I -new none of this, of ,o.se. None
of this had anythin! to do with (y )ife. Not then, anyway. I set the !o)f st.ff aside and
fished o.t (y ,e)) phone and ,a))ed +a.)a fo( the di*eway. Eithe she wasn't ho(e o
she wasn't answein!. I thin- it was the )atte. I'd ,a))ed he se*ea) ti(es that day, to
apo)o!iFe fo not ta-in! he to the e,ita), and it )oo-ed )i-e she was dete(ined to p.nish
(e. He)), fo a)) I -new, she was a)eady thin-in! a&o.t (o*in! on. If that was a,t.a))y the
,ase, I had Ni,o)e to than- fo it. The )esson hee was si(p)e: It doesn't a)ways pay to do
the i!ht thin!, espe,ia))y if yo.'e doin! it fo peop)e who don't !i*e a f.,- a&o.t yo..
S.dden)y I fe)t e/ha.sted. I was !ettin! o)d. I ,o.)d had)y wa)- any(oe, and I'd &een to)d
e,ent)y that I wo.)d e*ent.a))y ha*e to ha*e &oth -nees e&.i)t. +).s the athitis was
-i))in! (e. I was on (edi,ation, &.t thee wee days when (y hands h.t so (.,h I
,o.)dn't pi,- .p a f.,-in! spoon. I pa-ed (y ass on the )ow wa)) nea the font doo,
fee)in! whipped. I was tyin! to fi!.e o.t how it had ,o(e to this. I'd &een so(e&ody
on,e. I'd had (y !)oy days on the p)ayin! fie)d, a n.(&e of hi!h;payin! ,opoate !i!s,
(any yeas as a foot&a)) ana)yst, and e*en so(ethin! of a ,aee as a Ho))ywood a,to. It
wasn't o*e, not &y a )on! shot, &.t e*eythin! see(ed (oe diffi, .)t now.
It was a )itt)e )i-e that &.siness in A)i,e in ?onde)and, whee she has to .n twi,e as fast
to stay in p)a,e. 6.t hey, if that's what it too-, that's what I'd do. 4o. don't !et anywhee in
this ,aFy wo)d .n)ess yo. fi!ht fo it, and I was wi))in! to fi!ht fo it. Sti)), it see(ed )i-e
e*ey day it too- a )itt)e (oe ene!y, and Ni,o)e was sappin! a )ot of (y !odda(n
ene!y. That !ot (e thin-in! a&o.t fa(i)y, the (eanin! of fa(i)y, and spe,ifi,a))y a&o.t
(y own fa(i)y. 5y (othe and fathe sepaated when I was a&o.t fi*e o si/ yeas o)d,
and we fo. -idsC (e, (y &othe, and (y two sistesCstayed with (y (othe. She
wo-ed in a San Fan,is,o hospita) fo thity yeas, p.t food on the ta&)e, and -ept a ,)ean
ho.se. 5y fathe stayed in the pi,t.e, tho.!h. The (aia!e hadn't wo-ed o.t, &.t that
didn't t.n the( into ene(ies. He was a)ways ao.nd, and that was an i (potant )esson
fo (e: ?hen a (aia!e fai)s it doesn't !i*e eithe paent an e/,.se to disappea. 4o.
ha*e to &e thee fo yo. -ids. The way (y paents saw it, )ife wasn't a&o.t the( any(oe
C it was a&o.t the fo. ,hi)den they'd &o.!ht into the wo)d. And &e,a.se they fe)t so
ston!)y a&o.t thei esponsi&i)ities, they (ade it wo-. They ta)-ed on the phone e*ey
day, &.t it was ne*e a&o.t thei own shitCit was a)ways a&o.t .s -ids. And whene*e
thee was a po&)e(, they hand)ed it to!ethe. If it was a 0.estion of dis,ip)ine, tho.!h, (y
fathe too- ,ae of it. And when I say he too- ,ae of it, I (ean he too- ,ae of it. In those
days, thee was wh.ppin!s, and e*eyone -new it. 4o. didn't !o ,yin! to Chi)d ?e)fae o
any of that shit, &e,a.se nine o.t of
ten ti(es if yo. !ot a wh.ppin! yo. a)(ost ,etain)y dese*ed it. He)), I -now I did. Then
one day when I was si/teen yeas o)d, the o)d (an and I had a )itt)e fa))in! o.t. 5y (othe
,a))ed hi( to say I'd &een disespe,tf.) to (y siste, and he ,a(e &y the ho.se and ,a))ed
(e into the )i*in! oo( and as-ed (e to te)) hi( what had happened. I to)d hi(, and in (y
*esion of the stoyCwhi,h I fi()y &e)ie*edC(y siste had done won!. 5y fathe didn't
&.y it, tho.!h. He to)d (e to !o to (y oo(, and I -new I was s.pposed to !o in thee and
wait fo hi( to ,o(e in and de)i*e his wh.ppin!. 6.t as I waited, I de,ided I wasn't !oin!
to !et a wh.ppin!. I didn't dese*e it, and thee was no eason in he)) I was !oin! to )et
hi( aise his hand to (e. ?hen he ,a(e into (y oo(, I to)d it to hi( stai!ht. B4o.'e not
!oin! to wh.p (e,B I said. B ?hat did yo. say, &oyAB B4o. head (e,B I said. B4o.'e
won! this ti(e. 4o. ty to wh.p (e, I')) -i,- yo. ass.B It was petty tense. I had defied
hi(, and he didn't )i-e it one &it, &.t he ,o.)d see that thin!s had ,han!ed. I was a)(ost as
&i! as he was &y then, and I -new I ,o.)d ta-e hi(, and so did he, I !.ess. He )eft (y
oo( witho.t sayin! a wod to (e, an!y as he)), and fo the ne/t ten yeas we didn't ta)-
to ea,h othe. That's i!ht: ?e went ten yeas witho.t spea-in!. He wo.)d ,o(e o*e, and
han! o.t, and we e*en sat at the sa(e Chist(as ta&)e to!ethe, &.t we ne*e spo-e. And
e*eyone -new we didn't spea-. It was )i-e fa(i)y )oe: The &oy defied hi(, and they
ha*en't spo-en a wod to ea,h othe in yeas.
A de,ade )ate, when I was (aied to 5a!.eite, and with (y (aia!e a)eady in
to.&)e, he was at (y ho.se in 7os An!e)es, ,e)e&atin! Than-s!i*in! with the fa(i)y, and
I t.ned to hi( and said so(ethin! a&o.t so(e foot&a)) !a(e. And (an, the who)e oo(
went si)entH It was )i-e I ,o.)d hea (y own heat &eatin!. E*ey&ody was stain! at .s: He
ta)-ed to hi(. Did yo. hea thatAH O.'. ta)-ed to hi(H And (y fathe D.st answeed, )i-e it
was the (ost nat.a) thin! in the wo)d, )i-e o. de,ade of si)en,e had ne*e happened,
and that was the day we stated ta)-in! a!ain. I thin- on so(e )e*e) I had a)ways &)a(ed
hi( fo (y paents' (aia!e not wo-in! o.t, and o*e the yeas I had ,o(e to see,
s)ow)y, that (ay&e I'd &een a )itt)e hasty a&o.t passin! D.d!(ent. I had si(p)y ass.(ed
he was the &ad !.y, &.t I had nothin! to &a,- it .p. And whi)e he'd &een thee fo (e as a
fathe, I !.ess I was sti)) an!y at hi(, &e,a.se I wanted what e*ey -id wants: 6oth
paents, to!ethe, .nde one oof. Now hee it was yeas )ate, with (y own (aia!e
fai)in!, and I &e!an to see that thee ea))y wee two sides to e*ey stoyCand that (ay&e
(y fathe wasn't s.,h a &ad !.y afte a)). I'( not s.!!estin! I was f.))y ,ons,io.s of this,
(ind yo., &.t I &e)ie*e that on that Than-s!i*in! aftenoon, with (y own (aia!e in
to.&)e, I &e!an to see that I'd &een petty had on hi(Cand that, whate*e e)se had
happened, he had a)ways &een thee fo .s -ids. That was an i(potant )esson fo (e,
and that ni!ht, sittin! on the )ow wa)) in font of (y ho.se, (y sto(a,h .(&)in!, thin-in!
a&o.t a)) of
this, it hit (e with a weid -ind of ,)aity: If yo. f)i,- .p yo. (aia!e, yo. ty not to f.,- .p
yo. -ids. I fi!.ed Sydney and '.stin wo.)d &e in &ed &y then, o*e at the 6.ndy ,ondo,
fast as)eep. I hoped so, anyway. I wondeed what thei (othe was doin! at that (o(ent,
and I wondeed what othe .np)easant s.pises )ay in stoe fo (e and the -ids. Fo a
(o(ent, I tho.!ht &a,- to the ni!ht I'd s.pised he at the >etna >een ho.se, !oin! at
it on the ,o.,h with he fiend :eith, in the !)ow of two doFen ,and)esCwhi)e the -ids
wee in the ho.se. It (ade (y sto(a,h ).,h. Don't !et (e won!: Ni,o)e had &een a
teifi, (otheC a)(ost o&sessi*e at ti(esC&.t she'd &een s,ewin! .p &i! ti(e )ate)y.
It's stan!e. They say peop)e don't ,han!e, &.t I say they'e won!. +eop)e ,han!e, &.t it's
.s.a))y fo the wose. Ron Fish(an's wods ,a(e &a,- to ha.nt (e: ?e don't -now the
ha)f of it, he'd said. He was i!ht. ?e didn't -now shit. Ni,o)e was on the fast;ta,- to he)),
and she see(ed dete(ined to ta-e (e and the -ids with he. I sh.t (y eyes and to)d
(yse)f to stop thin-in! a&o.t he. I )oo-ed at (y wat,h. It was 1$:$3. I needed a showe,
and I had to finish pa,-in!. As I !ot to (y feet, an .nfa(i)ia ,a s)owed nea (y !ate,
then p.))ed past and pa-ed a shot way down, a,oss the steet. The di*e !ot o.t and
wa*ed fo( the distan,e, and at fist I ,o.)dn't te)) who it was. ?hen he ,a(e ,)ose, I saw
it was Cha)ie. I'd (et hi( so(e (onths ea)ie at a dinne with (.t.a)
fiends, and I'd seen hi( a!ain a few wee-s ea)ie, when we'd !one ,).&&in! with the
sa(e fiends. I )i-ed Cha)ieChe was one of those !.ys who is a)ways in a !ood (ood,
a)ways )a.!hin!Cand I to)d hi( what I te)) a )ot of peop)e: Stop &y when yo.'e in the
nei!h&ohood. I !.ess he too- it )itea))y. Now pi,t.e thisCand -eep in (ind, this is
hypotheti,a): Cha)ie ea,hed the !ate, and the fist thin! I noti,ed is that he wasn't
s(i)in!. BO.'., (y (anCwhat's .pAB he said. It so.nded -ind of fo,ed. B ?hat's .p with
yo.AB I said. I went o*e and opened the !ate and he stepped tho.!h and we shoo-
hands. B?hat &in!s yo. to these patsAB BNot (.,h. I was o.t to dinne with so(e !.ys,
down in Santa 5oni,a. Tho.!ht I'd stop &y to say he))o.B B4o.'*e !ot a stan!e )oo- on
yo. fa,e, Cha)ie,B I said. BSo(ethin! &othein! yo.AB Cha)ie )oo-ed away, a*oidin! (y
eyes. BIt's nothin!, (an,B he said. BCo(e on,B I said. B4o. ,an te)) (e.B He )oo-ed &a,- at
(e, st.!!)in! with his tho.!hts. B4o.'e not !oin! to )i-e it,B he said fina))y. 5y sto(a,h
).,hed a!ain and i!ht away I -new. BThis is a&o.t Ni,o)e, isn't itAB Cha)ie nodded. B
?hat a&o.t heAB shitHB
B4o.'e not !oin! to )i-e it,B he epeated. B'.st te)) (e,B I said, a)eady i)ed. B6efoe I !et
pissed off.B Cha)ie too- a step &a,-, )i-e he tho.!ht I (i!ht hit hi( o so(ethin!. BA
,o.p)e of these !.ys at dinne toni!ht, I !.ess they didn't -now that yo. and I wee
fiends,B he &e!an, tippin! o*e the wods. BThey stated ta)-in! a&o.t this )itt)e tip they
too- to Ca&o a few (onths &a,-, in 5a,h I thin- it was, and a&o.t these !i)s they patied
with.B B4eahAB Cha)ie too- a (o(ent. BIt was Ni,o)e and he fiend Faye,B he said. BI'(
)istenin!,B I said. I tied to stay ,a)(, &.t I was fit to e/p)ode. BThee was a )ot of d.!s and
a )ot of din-in!, and appaent)y thin!s !ot petty -in-y.B B ?hy ae yo. f.,-in! te))in! (e
this, (anAHB I ho))eed. I t.ned and had to fi!ht the .!e to p.t (y fist tho.!h the
6ent)ey's window. BI'( soy, (an. I tho.!ht yo.'d want to -now.B B ?e)) I don't f.,-in!
want to -nowH I'( si,- of heain! this BI'( soyCB BThat is the (othe of (y ,hi)denHB BI
-now, (an. I'( soy. That's why I to)d yo.. I -now yo. two ha*e &een tho.!h a )ot of
shit, and I -now it ,an't &e easy, and I tho.!ht (ay&e if yo. ta)-ed to heCB
BTa)-ed to heAH ?hat the f.,- is won! with yo.A I'*e &een tyin! to ta)- to he fo yeas.
She won't )isten to (e. She won't )isten to he fa(i)y. She won't )isten to he fiendsHB
BO.'., (anCI'( not the ene(y hee.B I t.ned ao.nd, f.(in!, and tied to ,o.nt to ten. I
didn't (a-e it. 6y the ti(e I !ot to thee I ea)iFed that Cha)ie was i!ht. He wasn't the
ene(y. Ni,o)e was the ene(y. I )oo-ed at (y wat,h. I had )ess than an ho. &efoe the
)i(o showed .p to ta-e (e to the aipot, D.st eno.!h ti(e to di*e down to 6.ndy, ead
he the f.,-in! iot a,t, and !et (y ass &a,- to the ho.se. BCo(e on,B I said, and (o*ed
towad (y 6on,o. B?hee we !oin!AB B'.st ,o(e. B Cha)ie !ot in. I stated the 6on,o
and the !ate whied to )ife and I p.))ed into the steet, the ties s0.ea)in! a!ainst the ,.&.
B ?hee we !oin!, O.'.AB Cha)ie epeated. B ?e'e !oin! to s,ae the shit o.t that !i),B I
said. B?hatA NowA' BIt ne*e f.,-in! ends. E*ey ti(e I t.n ao.nd, it's so(ethin! newC
and none of it's petty.B BThis isn't a !ood idea, O.'.B BF.,- that. I'( tied of &ein! the
.ndestandin! e/;h.s&and. I ha*e (y -ids to thin- a&o.t.B BI'( as-in! yo., (an, p)ease
t.n ao.nd.B B ?o(an's !oin! to &e the death of (eHB I said. I was seethin! want to !ow
as a pe&y this ti(e, and I &e!an to (i(i, he:
son, O.'. I want to find (yse)f. I'( tied of e*eyone seein! (e as O.'. Si(pson's wife. I'(
tied of )i*in! in yo. shadow'.B BO.'., p)ease.B B4o. want to -now how ,aFy it !otAB I said,
i!noin! hi(. BAfte the sp)it, afte she d.(ped (e, she &e!an ,a))in! to te)) (e a&o.t the
!.ys she was datin!. 'Oh, O.'.Cdo yo. thin- they )i-e (e fo (e o do they D.st want to
!et into (y pantsA' And yo. -now what I didA I to)d he to D.st ha*e f.n. I to)d he she was
a !eat !i) and not to woy and to !o with he !.t. J>.ys')) &e )inin! .p ao.nd the &)o,-
fo yo.,' I said. '4o.'e !o!eo.s and yo.'e s(at. I -now yo.')) pi,- the i!ht !.ys.' Is that
twisted o whatA I wo.)d thin-, ?hat the f.,- ae yo. doin!, O.'.AH AndthenIwo.)d answe
(y own 0.estion: ?e)), the soone she !ets this findin!;hese)f shit o.t of he syste(, the
soone she')) &e &a,-.B BThat's f.,-ed .p, (an,B Cha)ie said. BTe)) (e a&o.t itHB I said. I
!)an,ed o*e at hi(. He )oo-ed s,aed. BRe)a/, (an,B I said. BI'( D.st !oin! to ta)- to the
!i). And it')) &e 0.i,-. I'( )ea*in! fo Chi,a!o on the ed eye.B BI sho.)dn't ha*e to)d yo.,B
Cha)ie said. BNo, (an. 4o. did the i!ht thin!. This is e/a,t)y what I neededCso(ethin!
to sha-e (e .p. This shit's &een eatin! away at (e foe*e, and it's !ot to stop. I want to
!et on with (y f.,-in! )ife. I'*e !ot to !et this .nde ,onto).B B4o. sho.)d )et the )awyes
hand)e it.B BF.,- the )awyes. 4o. -now what di*o,e )awyes aeA They ae the s,.( of
the eath. +eyin! on peop)e at thei wea-est and
(ost *.)nea&)e. I -now. I'*e !i*en those s,.(&a!s a (i))ion do))as a)eadyHB B5ay&e they
owe yo., then.B BF.,- the(,B I said. BI'( !oin! to ta-e ,ae of this (yse)f.B ?e wee at
6.ndy &y then, whee it (eets San Ei,ente 6o.)e*ad. I Do!!ed )eft fo a few yads and
(ade a 0.i,- i!ht to !et &a,- on 6.ndy. ?e passed the )i!ht at 5ontana and I s)owed
nea Ni,o)e's p)a,e. I -ept !oin!, tho.!h. I too- a i!ht on Doothy and an i((ediate i!ht
into the a))ey &ehind he ,ondo, and I p.))ed a few yads past it and pa-ed on the fa )eft,
nea a ,hain)in- fen,e. I ,.t the en!ine and )oo-ed &a,- towad the ,ondo. It was so 0.iet
it -ind of spoo-ed (e. I )oo-ed at Cha)ie a!ain. He see(ed petty !).(. B ?hi,h one's
he p)a,eAB he as-ed. I pointed it o.t. BI don't )i-e this,B he said. B7et's !o the f.,- &a,- to
yo. ho.se.B B4o. woy too (.,h.B B?hat if she's with so(eoneAB BShe &ette not &e,B I
said. BNot with (y -ids in the ho.se.B I ea,hed into the &a,- seat fo (y &).e woo) ,ap
and (y !)o*es. I -ept the( thee fo those (onin!s when it was nippy on the !o)f ,o.se.
I s)ipped into the(. B ?hat the f.,- ae yo. doin!, (anAB Cha)ie said. B4o. )oo- )i-e a
&.!)a.B B>ood.B I said. I ea,hed .nde the seat fo (y -nife. It was *ey ni,e -nife, a
)i(ited edition, and I -ept it on hand fo the ,a;
Fies. 7os An!e)es is f.)) of ,aFies. BNi,e, h.hAB I said, showin! it to Cha)ie. BChe,- o.t
that &)ade.B B+.t that shit &a,-,B Cha)ie snapped. B4o. !o in thee and ta)- to the !i) if
yo. ha*e to, &.t yo.'e not ta-in! a !odda(n -nife with yo..B He snat,hed it o.t of (y
hand, pissed. B4o.'*e !ot to )ean to e)a/, Cha)ie,B I said, then I opened the doo, !ot o.t
of the 6on,o, and sto)e a,oss the a))ey. Ni,o)e's ,ondo was one of two .nits, &oth of
the( )on! and naow, (io i(a!es of ea,h othe, f.sed at the (idd)e. They ea,h had
thei own enty, on 6.ndy, and they ea,h had a &a,- !ate, in the a))ey, &.t Ni,o)e's &a,-
!ate was &o-en. The &.FFe didn't wo- pope)y, and the !ate opened if yo. !a*e it a
)itt)e p.sh. I (.st ha*e to)d he a (i))ion ti(esCB+)ease !et the !odda(n !ate fi/edHBC
&.t the wo(an ne*e )istened. I s)ipped past the !ate, into the naow ,o.tyad, and
(o*ed towad the font doo, and i!ht away I noti,ed )i!hts f)i,-ein! in the windows. I
(o*ed past the font doo to ta-e a ,)ose )oo-. Thee wee ,and)es &.nin! inside, and I
,o.)d hea faint (.si, p)ayin!. It was o&*io.s that Ni,o)e was e/pe,tin! ,o(pany. I
wondeed who the f.,- it was this ti (e. I wondeed if (ay&e Faye was ,o(in! o*e with
so(e of he &oy;toys so that they ,o.)d a)) !et wi)d and dity whi)e (y -ids wee s)eepin!
.pstais. '.st as I was &e!innin! to !et seio.s)y stea(ed, the &a,- !ate s0.ea-ed open.
A !.y ,a(e wa)-in! tho.!h )i-e he owned the f.,-in! p)a,e. He saw (e and foFe. He
was yo.n! and !ood;)oo-in!, with a thi,- head of &)a,- hai, and I tied to p)a,e hi(, h.t
I'd ne*e seen hi( &efoe. I didn't e*en -now his na(e: Ron >o)d(an.
B ?ho the f.,- ae yo.AB I said. BI, .hCI D.st ,a(e &y to et.n a pai of !)asses,B he
ep)ied, sta((ein!. BRea))yA A pai of !)asses, h.hAB B4es,B he said. He was ,ayin! an
en*e)ope. B'.dy )eft the( at the esta.ant. I'( a waite at 5eFFa).na.B BSo it's '.dy, is itA
4o.'e on a fist;na(e &asis with '.dy.B At that (o(ent, the !ate &ehind >o)d(an
s0.ea-ed a!ain. Cha)ie wa)-ed into the naow spa,e. He was ,ayin! the -nife.
BE*eythin! ,oo) heeAB he as-ed. BI saw this !.y wa)-in! tho.!h the !ate, and I D.st
wanted to (a-e s.e thee wasn't !oin! to &e any to.&)e.B BThis (othef.,-e wants (e
to &e)ie*e that he's hee doppin! off a pai of '.dy's !)asses,B I said. BI a(,B >o)d(an
said, appeain! in,easin!)y ne*o.s. He he)d .p an en*e)ope. B7oo- fo yo.se)f.B BAnd
then whatAB I said. '4o. wee !oin! &a,- to the esta .antAB BNo,B he said. B5y shift's
o*e. I'( D.st )ea*in! these hee and !oin! ho(e.B B4o. e/pe,t (e to &e)ie*e thatAB BI
don't e/pe,t anythin!,B he said. BI'( te))in! yo. the t.th.B B4o.'e a f.,-in! )iaHB I sho.ted.
BI'( not. I swea to >od.B BShe's !ot ,and)es &.nin! inside. F.,-in! (.si, p)ayin!.
+o&a&)y a ni,e &ott)e of ed wine &eathin! on the ,o.nte, waitin! fo yo..B
BNot fo (e,B >o)d(an potested. BF.,- yo., (anH 4o. thin- I'( f.,-in! st.pid o
so(ethin!AHB S.dden)y the font doo opened. Ni,o)e ,a(e o.tside, a)eted &y o. aised
*oi,es. She was weain! a s)in-y )itt)e ,o,-tai) dess, &)a,-, with po&a&)y not (.,h on
.ndeneath. He (o.th fe)) open in sho,-. She )oo-ed at (e, and she )oo-ed at >o)d(an,
and she )oo-ed at Cha)ie, D.st &eyond. >o)d(an was petty we)) tapped. Cha)ie stood
&etween hi( and the ea !ate, and I was &ain! his way to the font. BO.'., what the f.,-
is !oin! onAB I t.ned to )oo- at Ni,o)e. BThat's what I want to -now,B I said. :ato, the do!,
,a(e wandein! o.t of the ho.se. He saw (e and wa!!ed his tai), then he saw >o)d(an
and a)so wa!!ed his tai). I )oo-ed at >o)d(an, stea(ed, and Cha)ie (o*ed ,)ose, the
-nife sti)) in his hand. I thin- he sensed that thin!s wee a&o.t to !et o.t of ,onto),
&e,a.se I was *ey ,)ose to )osin! it. BI'( )istenin!, (othef.,-eHB I said to >o)d(an.
BO.'.HB Ni,o)e ho))eed. B7ea*e hi( the f.,- a)oneH ?hat ae yo. doin! hee, anywayA I
tho.!ht yo. wee !oin! to Chi,a!o.B BF.,- yo.,B I said. BHey, (an,B >o)d(an said. BThat's
not ne,essay.B Cha)ie piped in. B7et's D.st !et the f.,- o.t of hee, O.'.B BI as-ed yo. a
0.estion, (othef.,-e. ?hat ae yo. doin! heeA 4o. de)i*ein! d.!sAB B7ea*e hi(
a)one, O.'.HB Ni,o)e sho.ted. BI hea ha)f ; yo. assho)es ae dea)in! on the side,B I said.
Ni,o)e ,a(e at (e, swin!in!. B>et the f.,- o.t of heeHB she said. BThis is (y ho.se and I
,an do what I wantHB BNot in font of (y -ids, yo. ,an'tHB BF.,- yo.HB BNo, f.,- yo.. I !a*e
yo. e*eythin! yo. ,o.)d as- fo, and yo. f.,-ed it a)) .p.B She ,a(e at (e )i-e a
&anshee, a)) a(s and )e!s, f)ai)in!, and I d.,-ed and she )ost he &a)an,e and fe)) a!ainst
the stoop. She fe)) had on he i!ht sideCI ,o.)d hea the &a,- of he head hittin! the
!o.ndCand )ay thee fo a (o(ent, not (o*in!. B'es.s Chist, O.'., )et's !et the f.,- o.t
of heeHB Cha)ie said, his *oi,e ,a,-in!. I )oo-ed o*e at >o)d(an, and I was f.(in!. I
!.ess he tho.!ht I was !oin! to hit hi(, &e,a.se he !ot into his )itt)e -aate stan,e. B?hat
the f.,- is thatAB I said. B4o. thin- yo. ,an ta-e (e with yo. -aate shitAB He stated
,i,)in! (e, &o&&in! and wea*in!, and if I hadn't &een so f.,-in! an!y I wo.)d ha*e
)a.!hed in his fa,e. BO.'., ,o(e onHB It was Cha)ie a!ain, p)eadin!. Ni,o)e (oaned,
e!ainin! ,ons,io.sness. She stied on the !o.nd and opened he eyes and )oo-ed at
(e, &.t it didn't seen)i-e anythin! was e!istein!. Cha)ie wa)-ed o*e and p)anted
hi(se)f in font of (e &)o,-in! (y *iew. B?e ae f.,-in! done hee, (anC)et's !oHB I
noti,ed the -nife in Cha)ie's hand, and in one deft (o*e I e(o*ed (y i!ht !)o*e and
snat,hed it .p. B?e'e not !oin!
anywhee,B I said, t.nin! to fa,e >o)d(an. >o)d(an was sti)) ,i,)in! (e, &o&&in! and
wea*in!, &.t I didn't fee) )i-e )a.!hin! any(oe. B4o. thin- yo.'e to.!h, (othef.,-eAB I
said. I ,o.)d hea Cha)ie D.st &ehind (e, sayin! so(ethin!, .!in! (e to !et the f.,- o.t
of thee, and at one point he e*en ea,hed fo (e and tied to da! (e away, &.t I shoo-
hi( off, had, and (o*ed towad >o)d(an. BO-ay, (othef.,-eHB I said. BShow (e how
to.!h yo. aeHB Then so(ethin! went hoi&)y won!, and I -now what happened, &.t I
,an't te)) yo. e/a,t)y how. I was sti)) standin! in Ni,o)e's ,o.tyad, of ,o.se, &.t fo a few
(o(ents I ,o.)dn't e(e(&e how I'd !otten thee, when I'd ai*ed, o e*en why I was
thee. Then it ,a(e &a,- to (e, *ey s)ow)y: The e,ita)Cwith )itt)e Sydney .p on sta!e,
dan,in! he )itt)e heat o.tG (e, ,hippin! &a))s into (y nei!h&o's yadG +a.)a, an!y, not
answein! he phoneG Cha)ie, stoppin! &y the ho.se to te)) (e so(e (oe .!)y shit a&o.t
Ni,o)e's &eha*io. Then whatA The shot, 0.i,- di*e fo( Ro,-in!ha( to the 6.ndy
,ondo. And nowA Now I was standin! in Ni,o)e's ,o.tyad, in the da-, )istenin! to the
)o.d, hyth(i,, a,,e)eated &eatin! of (y own heat. I p.t (y )eft hand to (y heat and (y
shit fe)t stan!e)y wet. I )oo-ed down at (yse)f. Fo se*ea) (o(ents, I ,o.)dn't !et (y
(ind ao.nd what I was seein!. The who)e font of (e was ,o*eed in &)ood, &.t it didn't
,o(p.te. Is this ea))y &)oodA I wondeed. And whose &)ood is itA Is it (ineA A( I h.tA
I was (oe ,onf.sed than e*e. ?hat the he)) had happened heeA Then I e(e(&eed
that >o)d(an !.y ,o(in! tho.!h the &a,- !ate, with '.ditha's !)asses, and I
e(e(&eed ho))ein! at hi(, and I e(e(&eed how o. sho.ts had &o.!ht Ni,o)e to the
doo . . . Ni,o)e. 'es.s. I )oo-ed down and saw he on the !o.nd in font of (e, ,.)ed .p
in a feta) position at the &ase of the stais, not (o*in!. >o)d(an was on)y a few feet away,
s).(ped a!ainst the &as of the fen,e. He wasn't (o*in! eithe. 6oth he and Ni,o)e wee
)yin! in !iant poo)s of &)ood. I had ne*e seen so (.,h &)ood in (y )ife. It didn't see( ea),
and none of it ,o(p.ted. ?hat the f.,- happened heeA ?ho had done thisA And whyA
And whee the f.,- was I when this shit went downA It was )i-e pat of (y )ife was (issin!
C)i-e thee was so(e weid !ap in (y e/isten,e. 6.t how ,o.)d that &eA I was standin!
i!ht thee. That was (e, i!htA I a!ain )oo-ed down at (yse)f, at (y &)ood;soa-ed
,)othes, and noti,ed the -nife in (y hand. The -nife was ,o*eed in &)ood, as wee (y
hand and wist and ha)f of (y i!ht foea(. That didn't ,o(p.te eithe. I wondeed how I
had !otten &)ood a)) o*e (y -nife, and I a!ain as-ed (yse)f whose &)ood it (i!ht &e,
when s.dden)y it a)) (ade pefe,t sense: This was D.st a &ad dea(. A *ey &ad dea(.
Any (o(ent now, I wo.)d wa-e .p, at ho(e, in (y own &ed, and stat !oin! a&o.t (y
day. Then I head a so.nd &ehind (e and t.ned, stat)ed. Cha)ie was standin! in the
shadows, a few feet away, his (o.th han!in!
open, his &eathin! shot and a!!ed. He was )oo-in! &eyond (e, at the &odies.
BCha)ieAB I ,a))ed o.t. He didn't answe. BCha)ieAB Sti)) nothin!. I went o*e and stood in
font of hi( and as-ed hi( the sa(e 0.estion I'd D.st as-ed (yse)f. BCha)ie, what the
f.,- happened heeAB He )oo-ed .p and (et (y eyes, &.t fo se*ea) (o(ents it was as
if he didn't ea))y see (e. BAe yo. )istenin! to (eAB I said. BI as-ed yo. what happened
hee.B Cha)ie shoo- his head fo( side to side, his (o.th sti)) han!in! open, his &eathin!
sti)) shot, a!!ed, and in a *oi,e that was no (oe than a fi!htened whispe, said, B'es.s
Chist, O.'.Cwhat ha*e yo. doneAB B5eA' ?hat the he)) was he ta)-in! a&o.tA I hadn't
done anythin!. I D.(ped at a so.nd &ehind (eCa hi!h;pit,hed, a)(ost h.(an wai). It was
:ato, the do!, ,i,)in! Ni,o)e's &ody, his &i! paws )ea*in! pints in the wet &)ood. He )ifted
his sno.t and )et o.t anothe wai), and it sent ,hi))s .p and down (y spine. B7et's !et the
f.,- o.t of hee,B I said. I h.ied towad the ea !ate, and (o*ed tho.!h it, with Cha)ie
,)ose &ehind, &.t I stopped (yse)f &efoe I ,ossed into the a))ey. Cha)ie &.(ped into (e
and D.(ped &a,-, stat)ed. B?hatAB he said. I didn't answe. I was thin-in! a&o.t the
shape I was inCI was thin-in! of a)) the &)ood. 5y shit and pants wee sti,-in! to (y
s-in. E*en (y shoes wee ,o*eed in Hood.
I t.ned and )oo-ed &ehind (e, &eyond Cha)ie, and saw a ta,- of &)oody, te));ta)e pints.
BI'*e !ot to !et id of these f.,-in! ,)othes,B I said. ?itho.t e*en thin-in! a&o.t it, I -i,-ed
off (y shoes and &e!an to stip. I too- off (y pants and shit, dopped the -nife and shoes
into the ,ente of the pi)e, and wapped the who)e thin! into a ti!ht &.nd)e. I )eft (y so,-s
on, tho.!h. I don't -now why, &.t I didn't see any &)ood on the(, so I had no eason to
e(o*e the(. As I stood, with the &.nd)e !asped in (y )eft hand, I ea)iFed that I'd )eft (y
-eys and (y wa))et in (y pants. I fe)) to a ,o.,h and d.! fo the( and noti,ed that (y
hands wee sha-in!. Cha)ie stood thee a)) the whi)e, (.(&)in!. B'es.s Chist, O.'. 'es.s
Chist.B He D.st -ept epeatin! hi(se)f, )i-e he'd )ost his !odda(n (ind o so(ethin!. B
?i)) yo. sh.t the f.,- .pAHB I snapped. I fo.nd (y -eys and (y wa))et, and ewapped the
&.nd)e, then I stood and h.ied a,oss the da- a))ey. Cha)ie fo))owed, sti)) (.(&)in!. I
!ot &ehind the whee) and Cha)ie ,)i(&ed into the passen!e seat. B'es.s Chist, O.'.B he
said. B'es.s Chist.B B ?I77 4OU SHUT THE FUC: U+HB Cha)ie e,oi)ed, stat)ed, and
sh.t .p. I stated the 6on,o and p.))ed o.t, the ties s0.ea)in!, and a,ed tho.!h the
,.*ed a))ey towad 5ontana A*en.e. ?hen I ea,hed the end of the a))ey, I (ade a )eft
onto 5ontana and an i((ediate i!ht at the ,one, onto >etna >een. San Ei,ente was
a &)o,- away, and I (ade a )eft thee and too- it a)) the way to 6isto), then h.n! a i!ht to
S.nset and (ade a )eft thee, towad ho(e.
I !)an,ed at Cha)ie. He was h.n,hed o*e, his e)&ows on his -nees, his fa,e &.ied in his
hands. B ?hat happened &a,- thee, Cha)ieAB I said. Cha)ie sat .p. His ,hee-s wee wet
with teas. He shoo- his head fo( side to side and sh.!!ed. I tho.!ht &a,- to that
hoifi, s,ene at the ,o.tyad, and to a)) the &)ood. I had ne*e seen so (.,h &)ood in (y
)ife. It didn't see( possi&)e. It didn't see( ea). BCha)ieAB He sti)) didn't answe, &.t what
the he))Cthis wasn't ea))y happenin!. That hadn't &een (e &a,- thee. I'd i(a!ined the
who)e thin!. I was i(a!inin! it then. In a,t.a) fa,t I was ho(e in &ed, as)eep, ha*in! one
of those ,aFy ,i(e;of;passion dea(s, &.t I was !oin! to wa-e .p any se,ond now.
4eahCthat was itH On)y I didn't wa-e .p. ?e wee sti)) on S.nset, and I passed the )i!ht
on 6.)in!a(e and (ade a shap i!ht onto Ro,-in!ha(, teain! .p the windin! hi)),
towad the ho.se. As I appoa,hed the !ate, I saw a )i(o (o*in! towad the Ro,-in!ha(
!ate, fo( Ashfod Steet, and e(e(&eed that I had a f)i!ht to ,at,h. I do*e past (y
ho.se, and past the (o*in! )i(o, and in the side;*iew (io I saw its tai))i!hts f)ae as it
p.))ed to a stop in font of (y !ate. The di*e had po&a&)y &een waitin! on Ashfod, o.t
of si!ht, and I wondeed if he'd a)eady ,a))ed the ho.se. I had no idea what ti(e it was. I
)oo-ed down at the 6on,o's ,)o,- and saw it was 1$:39. F.,-H I was s.pposed to &e in
that )i(o in ei!ht (in.tes.
I p.))ed into Ashfod and -ept !oin!, han!in! a i!ht on 6isto), and I pa-ed in the
shadows &eyond the ho(e of Ei, ?atts. Thee was anothe nei!h&o on Ro,-in!ha(
who was ,)ose, &.t his popety an paa))e) to (ine, and I ,o.)dn't !et inside witho.t
.nnin! the is- of &ein! spotted &y the )i(o di*e. I was !oin! to ha*e to stea) onto (y
popety tho.!h the ?atts p)a,e, and I -new D.st how to do it. I )oo-ed down at (y )ap, at
the &)oody &.nd)e, then o*e at Cha)ie. B4o.'e !oin! to ha*e to he)p (e o.t hee, (an,B I
said. Cha)ie t.ned to )oo- at (e. His (o.th was han!in! open a &it, and he was
&eathin! -ind of f.nny, and he ,o.)dn't stop sha-in! his head. It )oo-ed )i-e he was
s)ippin! into sho,- o so(ethin!. BCha)ie, ae yo. )istenin! to (eAB He stopped sha-in!
his head fo a (o(ent, and nodded on,e, and I &e!an to te)) hi( what I needed fo( hi(.
BI'*e !ot to !et into (y ho.se,B I said. B4o.'e !oin! to ha*e to wait hee .nti) I'( in the
)i(o, .ndestandA ?hen the )i(o's !oneCB Cha)ie )oo-ed away, into the da-ness
&eyond his own window, ,)ea)y not )istenin! to (e. I ea,hed o*e and s)a((ed his )eft
sho.)de into his seat, had, and he whipped ao.nd to fa,e (e, (oe fi!htened than
e*e. BI need yo. to f.,-in! )isten to (e, (anHB I sho.ted. BAe yo. f.,-in! )istenin! to
(eAB Cha)ie nodded. He )oo-ed s,aed to death. BSay itH Te)) (e yo.'e )istenin!.B BI'(
)istenin!,B he (.(&)ed.
B7et (e spe)) it o.t fo yo., and yo. &ette f.,-in! pay attention. Ae yo. payin!
attentionAB Cha)ie nodded. BSay it, !odda(n itHB BI'(CI'( payin! attention,B Cha)ie said.
BI'( !oin! to snea- &a,- into (y ho.se. I'( !oin! to ta-e a showe, and !et dessed, and
!a& (y &a!s, and I'( !oin! to !et into that !odda(n )i(o we D.st passed. Did yo. see
the )i(oAB BNo,B Cha)ie said. B ?e)) thee's a f.,-in! )i(o pa-ed in font of the
Ro,-in!ha( !ate, and I'( s.pposed to &e in it, on (y way to the aipot.B BA )i(o,B Cha)ie
epeated. His (o.th was sti)) han!in! open, and I wasn't s.e any of this was ea))y
e!istein!, &.t I didn't ha*e a ,hoi,e. BOn,e I'( in that )i(o, and it's !one, I need yo. to
pa- the f.,-in! 6on,o in the di*eway, then !et into yo. ,a and ta-e the f.,- off. Do
yo. .ndestandAB Cha)ie nodded. BThis hee's the ,)i,-e. It')) open the !ate. 4o. ,an
dop the -ey in the (ai)&o/, &.t .n o.t &efoe the !ate ,)oses. O-ayAB BO-ay,B he said. I
too- the -ey o.t of the i!nition and e(o*ed a)) the -eys e/,ept the one fo the 6on,o.
Then I set the &.nd)e in his )ap. BI need yo. to ta-e this, and !et id of it,B I said. Cha)ie
)oo-ed down at the &.nd)e, afaid to to.,h it. BI don't !i*e a f.,- how yo. !et id of it, &.t
(a-e s.e it disappeas. 4o. heaA It needs to disappea foe*e.B
Cha)ie nodded. BDid yo. f.,-in! hea (eAHB I ho))eed. BI head yo.,B Cha)ie said. I (ade
hi( epeat e*eythin! I had to)d hi(, wod fo wod, then I !ot o.t of the ,a and sto)e into
the nei!h&o's popety, towad (y ho.se. 5y heat was &eatin! )i-e ,aFy. I ,o.)d fee) it
po.ndin! in (y eas. I (o*ed past the tennis ,o.t to the )itt)e se,et path that ,onne,ted
o. two popeties. On)y a few fiends -new a&o.t that path, and a)) of the( wee tennis
p)ayes. They (ade .se of it whene*e I wasn't ao.nd to open the font !ate fo the(.
?ithin se,onds, I was on (y popety, (o*in! past (y own tennis ,o.t. I h.n! )eft,
(o*in! past the !.est ho.ses, a)) of whi,h ae t.,-ed away, o.t of si!ht, and past the
poo), towad the ea of the (ain ho.se. I ,o.)dn't see the )i(o fo( way &a,- thee, &.t I
-new it was at the Ro,-in!ha( !ate. I was s.e the di*e had a)eady &.FFed the ho.se
&y then, and I was petty s.e he'd a)eady ,a))ed his offi,e to te)) the( I wasn't thee. Sti)),
he was a few (in.tes ea)y, and he'd han! ti!ht. He'd &.FF a!ain in a few (in.tes. Fo a))
I -new, he was &.FFin! at that *ey (o(ent. As I was (o*in! past :ato's oo(, I
st.(&)ed a!ainst one of the ai;,onditionin! .nits, (a-in! a a,-et, and a)(ost fe)) down. I
sto)e past, sti)) ,).t,hin! (y -eys, &eathin! had, and )et (yse)f tho.!h the &a,- doo. I
(o*ed towad the a)a(;pane) and p.n,hed in the ,ode to -eep it fo( !oin! off. I didn't
t.n on any )i!hts .nti) I !ot .pstais, into (y own oo(, then I h.ied into the &athoo(
and hopped into the showe.
Not a (in.te )ate, I head the phone in!in!. I saw that the &otto( )i!ht was f)ashin!Cthe
)i!ht that ,oesponded to the Ro,-in!ha( !ateCso I -new it was the )i(o di*e. I fi!.ed
he'd seen the )i!hts !o on in the &edoo( and the &athoo( and was tyin! (e a!ain.
5ay&e he tho.!ht I'd &een as)eep. That wo.)d &e a !ood thin! to te)) hi(: That I'd &een
as)eep. I )et the phone in!, -nowin! he'd ,a)) &a,-, and finished showein!. I !ot o.t and
died (yse)f, thin-in! a&o.t what I had to do. 5y &a!s wee petty we)) pa,-ed, so I was
a)(ost eady to !o. I s)ipped into (y &)a,- o&e and went downstais and !a&&ed the
7o.is E.itton &a! and (y !o)f ,).&s and too- the( o.t font and set the( in the ,o.tyad.
The di*e saw (e and !ot o.t of the )i (o, s0.intin! in (y die,tion. I h.ied &a,-
.pstais, to finish dessin!, with (y heat sti)) &eatin! )i-e ,aFy. I ,o.)d fee) it in (y eas,
and a!ainst (y te(p)es, &.t as I )oo-ed ao.nd I ,o.)dn't .ndestand what I was so
wo-ed .p a&o.t. I too- a deep &eath and to)d (yse)f, The )ast ho. was D.st a ni!ht(ae.
None of that e*e !odda(n happened. The phone an! a!ainCthe )owe )i!htCand I
ea,hed fo it. B4eah, (an,B I said. BI -now yo.'e hee. I o*es)ept and D.st !ot o.t of the
showe. 5y &a!s ae o.t font.B I hit the ,ode and opened the font !ate, so he ,o.)d di*e
tho.!h and !et the &a!s, and h.n! .p and finished dessin!. Then I h.ied downstais
and went o.tside. The di*e was sti)) p.ttin! the &a!s into the t.n- of his white )i(o.
BHey,B I said. B>ood e*enin!, 5. Si(pson.B
B?e a&o.t set heeAB B4es, si.B At that (o(ent, :ato showed .p, )oo-in! spoo-ed. BDid
yo. hea thatAB he as-ed. B?hatAB I said. BThat &an!in! noise,B he said. BA &i! th.(p o.t
&a,-, nea the fen,e.B BI didn't hea shit,B I said. BI was in the showe.B BIt was a ea))y )o.d
f.,-in! noise, O.'. It s,aed the he)) o.t of (e.B :ato see(ed to thin- that so(eone had
&een ).-in! ao.nd that pat of the ho.se, and he as-ed (e to ha*e a )oo-, so I h.(oed
hi(. ?e went off in sepaate die,tions, and afte a&o.t a (in.te we e,on*ened nea the
font doo. BI didn't see anythin!,B I said. B4o. !ot a f)ash)i!htAB he as-ed. B'es.s, :atoC
I'( tyin! to !et o.t of hee. 4o. !o )oo- fo it and )o,- .p when yo.'e done.B :ato went
into the ho.se, sti)) spoo-ed, and I !ot into the )i (o and too- off. I thin- the di*e was
ne*o.s a&o.t &ein! )ate o so(ethin!, &e,a.se he !ot ,onf.sed at S.nset and too- the
won! enty a(p onto the =$2 Feeway. On,e we wee en o.te, I ,a))ed :ato to te)) hi(
to (a-e s.e to set the a)a(. I didn't !et tho.!h to hi(, &.t I e(e(&eed ha*in! to)d
hi( to )o,- .p, and I hoped he was s(at eno.!h to set the a)a(.
B 5an,B I to)d the di*e. BIt fee)s )i-e I spend (y who)e )ife a,in! to and fo( aipots and
!ettin! on and off aip)anes.B BI -now what yo. (ean,B the di*e said. ?hen we !ot to the
aipot, I ,he,-ed in at the ,.&, )i-e I a)ways do, and wat,hed the s-y,ap ta! the &a!s. A
,o.p)e of fans ,a(e &y fo a.to!aphs, and I was happy to o&)i!e. On (y way to the !ate,
I si!ned a few (oe a.to!aphs, and when I &oaded the p)ane I shoo- hands with a
,o.p)e (oe fans. One of the( was ,.io.s a&o.t (y in!Che tho.!ht it was (y S.pe
6ow) in!, &.t it was a,t.a))y (y Ha)) of Fa(e in!Cand he too- a ,)ose )oo- and
ad(ied it. I on)y (ention this &e,a.se thee was s.pposed to &e a ,.t on (y in! fin!e,
&.t it (.st ha*e &een a phanto( ,.tCthee was nothin! &.t a in! thee. I was as)eep
&efoe the p)ane too- off, and I s)ept (ost of the way to Chi,a!o. A )i(o di*e he)ped (e
!et (y &a!s, then too- (e to the O'Hae +)aFa Hote). It was 0.iet at that ea)y ho., e*en
at the aipot, and the ide on)y )asted a&o.t fi*e (in.tes. I !ot to (y oo( e/ha.sted, and
stipped and i((ediate)y fe)) as)eep, &.t a shot ti(e )ate I was awa-ened &y the in!in!
phone. I pi,-ed it .p. It was so(e ,op in 7os An!e)esCeithe +hi)ip Eannatte o Tho(as
7an!e, I don't ea))y e(e(&eC,a))in! to te)) (e that he had so(e &ad news. BNi,o)e has
&een -i))ed,B he said. B:i))edAB I said, not s.e I'd head hi( ,oe,t)y. B?hat do yo. (ean
-i))edAB And the ,op said, BO.'., we ,an't te)) yo.. 6.t we ,an te)) yo. that the -ids ae a))
i!ht. ?hee ae yo.AB
I )oo-ed ao.nd the hote) oo( and ,a(e o.t of (y fo!. BI'( in Chi,a!o,B I said. BI need
yo. to ,o(e &a,- to 7.A. as soon as yo. ,an,B he said. 5.,h )ate, d.in! the tia), the
pose,.tion (ade a &i! dea) a&o.t (y esponse to that phone ,a)), ,)ai(in! that I ne*e
&otheed to as- what had happened to Ni,o)e, and s.!!estin! that I didn't as- &e,a.se I
a)eady -new. 6.t that's not the way I e(e(&e it. ?hen I was to)d that Ni,o)e was dead,
(y fist esponse was the one I D.st noted: B:i))edA ?hat do yo. (ean -i))edA' And e*en
when I was to)d that I wasn't !oin! to !et any (oe detai)s, I e(e(&e as-in!, B?hat
happenedA ?hat the f.,- happenedAB The ,op epeated hi(se)f: B?e ,an't say anythin!.
?e'e sti)) in*esti!atin!.B And I said, BAnd (y -ids ae a)) i!htAB And the ,op said, B4es.
As I said, the -ids ae fine. ?e need yo. to ,o(e ho(e now, O.'.B B'es.s Chist,B I said.
BThat's a)) yo.'e !oin! to say: Co(e ho(e nowHB BO.'.,B the ,op ep)ied. B?e')) te)) yo.
what we -now when yo. !et hee. ?e don't -now (.,h o.se)*es. ?e')) &e waitin! fo yo.
at yo. ho.se.B I went n.ts, and I e(e(&e s,ea(in! at hi(C&e!!in! hi( not to )ea*e
(e in the da-C&.t it didn't he)p. ?hen it &e,a(e ,)ea that the ,ops had nothin! e)se to
sayCeithe &e,a.se they didn't want to shae anythin! with (e, o &e,a.se they didn't
-now (.,hCI s)a((ed the phone down, sto(ed into the &athoo(,
and thew a !)ass a,oss the oo(. It shatteed a!ainst the ti)ed wa)), so.ndin! )i-e a
!.nshot. I went &a,- into the oo( and ,a))ed Cathy Randa, (y assistant, and to)d he
what was !oin! on. BI D.st head fo( the ,ops,B I said. BThey to)d (e Ni,o)e is dead.B
BDeadAB she said. B ?hat do yo. (ean deadAB BI don't -now,B I ep)ied. BThey say she was
-i))ed.B BOh (y >odHB I to)d he to ,a)) the ,ops and !et ho)d of the -ids, and as-ed he to
p)ease !et (e on the ne/t f)i!ht to 7os An!e)es. Then I )oo-ed down at (y hand and
noti,ed that (y fin!e was &)eedin!. I (ade a few (oe ,a))s. I ,a))ed HetF to te)) the( I
had to !o ho(e, I tied ,a))in! the ,ops a!ain, and I ,a))ed the 6owns, down in Dana
+oint. Ni,o)e's siste, Denise, !ot on the phone, hystei,a). B4o. &.ta) son of a &it,hHB she
ho))eed. B4o. -i))ed heH I -now yo. -i))ed he, yo. (othef.,-eHB '.ditha too- the phone
fo( he, &.t I ,o.)dn't .ndestand what she was sayin!. I to)d he I was !ettin! on the
ne/t f)i!ht to 7os An!e)es, and that I'd spea- to he as soon as I )anded. I !ot dessed and
had the pote ,o(e .p fo (y &a!s, then went down to the )o&&y and as-ed fo a 6and;
Aid. I !.ess I'd ,.t (y fin!e in the &athoo(, when I thew that !)ass. On (y way to the
aipot, fi!htin! pani,, I (ade a few (oe ,a))s. I tied to ea,h Cathy, to see if she -new
anythin! e)se a&o.t
(y -ids, and I a!ain tied to ,a)) the ,ops. Fo the so(e eason, I e*en tied to ,a)) :ato,
&a,- at the ho.se, to see if he -new anythin!. ?hen I !ot to the aipot, I was to)d thee
was a f)i!ht )ea*in! at 9:12, &.t that it was a)eady &oo-ed. I spo-e to one of the ,)e-s
and she spo-e to the (ana!e and they (ade oo( fo (e. D.in! the ,o.se of that
entie f)i!ht, I sat .pi!ht and sto,- sti)) the entie ti(e. I fe)t )i-e I was (ade of !)ass o
so(ethin!, and that if I (o*ed too (.,h I wo.)d shatte into a (i))ion pie,es. I a)so
e(e(&e tyin! to ,onto) (y &eathin!, and thin-in! that (y heat was &eatin! a)) won!.
I !.ess I was on the ed!e of pani,. Thee was a !.y in the seat a,oss the ais)e fo( (e,
and he noti,ed and as-ed (e what was won!. I to)d hi( that the ,ops had D.st ,a))ed to
te)) (e that (y e/;wife had &een -i))ed, and that I didn't e*en -now whee (y -ids wee.
He t.ned o.t to &e a )awye, and afte e/pessin! his ,ondo)en,es he !a*e (e so(e
ad*i,e: B4o. sho.)d ,onta,t yo. attoney the (o(ent yo. )and,B he said. B4o.'e !oin! to
need so(eone to he)p yo. na*i!ate yo. way tho.!h this.B So(eoneA Chist, the (an
had no idea. I ended .p needin! a f.,-in! tea( to !et (e tho.!h it, and e*en then I
a)(ost didn't s.*i*e. ?hen the p)ane )anded, I fo.nd Cathy Randa waitin! fo (e at the
te(ina), a)on! with S-ip Taft, one of (y attoneys. 6oth Cathy and S-ip )oo-ed sho,-ed,
&.t po&a&)y nowhee nea as sho,-ed as I )oo-ed. B ?hee ae (y -idsAB I said.
BThey'e safe,B Cathy said. BThey'e on thei way to the 6owns' p)a,e.B BThat a)) yo.
).!!a!eAB S-ip as-ed. BNo, thee's the !o)f ,).&sC&.t )ea*e the(. I')) !et the( )ate.B ?e
h.ied tho.!h the te(ina) and ta)-ed a&o.t what had happened, &.t they didn't -now
(.,h (oe than I did. And I was ha*in! to.&)e heain! the(, anyway, &e,a.se (y heat
was po.ndin! and the &)ood was oain! in (y eas. I was f.,-in! teified, to &e honest.
Ni,o)e was deadC!one foe*eCand the po)i,e wee waitin! fo (e at (y ho.se. ?hen
we wee in the ,a, )ea*in! the aipot, S-ip said we sho.)d !o to his offi,e &efoe we went
to see the ,ops. BNo,B I said. BThe ,ops to)d (e they needed to see (e, and they said
they'd &e waitin! at (y ho.se, and I'( !oin! to (y ho.se. I ,an't !o to yo. offi,e. I'(
!oin! to (y ho.se. That's what the ,ops as-ed (e to do.B BThe ,ops ,an wait,B he said.
B?e need to !et a hand)e on this thin!.B BNo,B I said. BI !a*e the( (y wod. I'( !oin!.B At
that point, S-ip t.ned his attention to the adio, and he &e!an f)ippin! tho.!h the
stations. I pi,-ed .p &its of info(ation hee and thee: Ni,o)e Si(pson 6own was dead.
Thee was a se,ond *i,ti(, a yo.n! (an. The (.des had ta-en p)a,e in the ,o.tyad
of he 6.ndy ,ondo. +o)i,e wee waitin! to ta)- to O.'. Si(pson, who had &een o.t of
town &.t was appaent)y on his way ho(e. The who)e thin! fe)t ,o(p)ete)y .nea), as if it
was happenin! to so(eone e)se, not (e. I )oo-ed down at (y hands. They wee
sha-in! .n,onto))a&)y. B?hat the f.,- is !oin! onAB I as-ed S-ip. BAe peop)e sayin! they
thin- I did itA I ,an't &e)ie*e peop)e wo.)d thin- that of (eCthat I ,o.)d do so(ethin! )i-e
that.B S-ip to)d (e to e)a/, that no&ody ,o.)d possi&)y thin- I had anythin! to do with the
(.des. Cathy a)so to)d (e not to woy. BE*eythin!'s !oin! to &e fine,B she said. BDid
the -ids see anythin!AB I as-ed. BNo,B Cathy said. BThe po)i,e too- the( o.t &a,-, tho.!h
the !aa!e.B I fe)t the &i)e isin! in (y thoat. It was a)) I ,o.)d do to -eep (yse)f fo(
&ein! si,-. BCa)) the 6owns. Don't )et the( te)) the -ids what happened. I want to &e the
one to te)) the(. They'e (y -ids.B BI')) ,a)) the(,B Cathy said. ?hen we !ot to the ho.se,
the p)a,e was ,aw)in! with ,ops and epotes. It was .nea). ?e do*e .p to the !ate
and I ,o.)d hea the epotes s.!in! &ehind S-ip's ,a, sho.tin! (y na(e and snappin!
pi,t.es. BThis is not a !ood idea,B S-ip epeated. B?e sho.)d ha*e !one to (y offi,e.B I
i!noed hi(. I !ot o.t of the ,a and (o*ed towad the !ate, and the epotes -ept
ho))ein! at (e fo( a,oss the steet. Thee was a ,op standin! !.ad at the !ate, and he
see(ed a )itt)e stat)ed to see (e. B4o. !oin! to )et .s tho.!hAB I said. BNot the ,a,B he
said. BNot anyone &.t yo..B I t.ned ao.nd and saw (y fiend 6o& :adashian ,ossin!
to !eet (e. I !.ess he'd &een waitin! fo (e thee.
B'es.s, O.' .,B he said. He )oo-ed )i-e he was nea teas. BThey'e not )ettin! .s in.B S-ip
popped the t.n- and 6o& and Cathy ea,hed fo (y ,ay;on &a!s and fo))owed (e &a,-
to the !ate. S-ip, (eanwhi)e, &a,-ed o.t and went off to pa- the ,a. The ,op )oo-ed at
Cathy, then t.ned &a,- to fa,e (e and shoo- his head. B'.st yo.,B he said. B6.t they'e
with (e,B I said. The offi,e didn't ,ae. He opened the !ate D.st wide eno.!h to )et (e
pass, and )eft 6o& and Cathy &ehind, with the two s(a)) &a!s. The epotes wee !oin!
,aFy, snappin! pi,t.es and tyin! to fi!.e o.t what was !oin! on. I )oo-ed tho.!h the
!ate, &a,- at 6o&Che )oo-ed ashenC and when I t.ned &a,- the ,op was ea,hin! fo
his hand,.ffs. B ?hat the f.,- ae yo. doin!A' I said. BI )i*e hee. This is (y ho.se.B BI'(
soy, 5. Si(pson. I'( !oin! to ha*e to hand,.ff yo..B B4o. ain't !onna hand,.ff (e,B I
said. B5. Si(psonCB B4o. !onna hand,.ff (e fo whatA I'( not ,aFy. I want to ta)- to
so(eone. ?ho the f.,-'s in ,ha!e heeAB 6o& ,a))ed o.t fo( &eyond the !ate: B?hat do
yo. want (e to do with the &a!sAB He)) if I -new. I wasn't thin-in! a&o.t the &a!s, and I
didn't ea)iFe what a stan!e pat they'd p)ay in the po,eedin!s in the (onths ahead. One
of the( was (y fa(o.s 7o.is E.itton &a!, and it !a*e epotes a )ot of nothin! o wite
a&o.t: ?hat the f.,-
happened to the 7o.is E.itton &a!A ?hat was in the f.,-in! &a!A ?hee was 6o&
:adashian !oin! with O.'.'s &a!A The iony is that I was tyin! to &in! the &a!s into the
ho.se with (e. 4o.'d thin- that if thee had &een anythin! in,i(inatin! in those &a!s I
wo.)dn't ha*e tied to ).! the( inside, &.t of ,o.se no&ody wote that pat of the stoy.
Instead, they (ade a h.!e f.ss a&o.t the (issin! &a!s, and e*en s.!!ested that
:adashian had wa)-ed off with a)) sots of e*iden,e, (ay&e e*en the &)oody -nife. Sti)),
not on,e in the ,o.se of the entie tia) did the pose,.tion (a-e any atte(pt to etie*e
the &a!s, whi,h e(ained .nto.,hed fo (onths on end. I &e!an to (o*e towad the
ho.se, with the ,op i!ht on (y ass, (.(&)in! a&o.t the !odda(n ,.ffs, and when I
t.ned ao.nd I saw the hode of epotes a,oss the steet, with a)) sots of ,a(eas
ai(ed i!ht at .s, o))in! and p.(pin!. I too- a deep &eath and fi!.ed I sho.)dn't (a-e a
s,ene. This was (y ho(e. I didn't want to see (yse)f on the news )ate that day, !i*in! a
,op a had ti(e a&o.t hand,.ffin! (e. I had to -eep ,oo). The on)y thin! that ea))y
(atteed was findin! o.t e/a,t)y what was !oin! on. I p.t (y hands &ehind (y &a,- and
)et the !.y hand,.ff (e. He )ed (e towad the font doo D.st as Eannatte and 7an!e
,a(e o.t the ho.se. They intod.,ed the(se)*es, and to)d (e they wee in ,ha!e of the
in*esti!ation. B ?e)), I'( hee,B I said. BI !ot hee as fast as I ,o.)d.B BThan- yo. fo
,o(in!,B Eannatte said. BDon't than- (e,B I said. B'.st ta-e these !odda(n ,.ffs ofi (e.
4o. sho.)dn't he doin! this to (e in (y own ho(e.B
At that (o(ent, Howad ?eitF(an showed .p. He's anothe attoney, and S-ip had ,a))ed
hi( ea)ie, see-in! his ad*i,e, I !.ess. 5ay&e he was a)eady thee, waitin! fo (e, &.t
that was the fist I saw hi(. He )oo-ed die,t)y at Eannatte and 7an!e. B5. Si(pson is in
no ,ondition to ta)- i!ht now,B he said. BHe's sti)) in sho,-.B And I said, BNo. I ,an ta)-.B
Eannatte as-ed if I (inded !oin! downtown with hi( and his patne, and I said I didn't
(ind at a)). And Howad said, e,hoin! S-ip, BThat's not a !ood idea.B I don't -now whethe
I was in sho,- o not, &.t I was in no (ood to )isten to )awyes. BI'( !oin! with the(,B I
said. BI'( !oin! to do whate*e they as- (e to do.B Howad was ada(ant. He didn't want
(e to ta)- to those !.ys, and he was !ettin! petty hot and &otheed a&o.t it. BO.'.,B he
said. B4o.'e (a-in! a (ista-e.B BI'( not !oin! to sit hee and ty to ,o*e (y ass,B I
ep)ied, !ettin! a )itt)e hot and &otheed (yse)f. BI'*e ead eno.!h thi))es and wat,hed
eno.!h TE (o*ies and seen eno.!h shit on the news to -now that the fist !.y they !o to
in these types of sit.ations is the spo.se o the e/;spo.se o the &oyfiend. I'( not !oin!
to &e one of those peop)e who !et des,i&ed as an '.n,oopeati*e witness'.B Howad tied
to te)) (e that that wasn't the pointCthat we needed to ta-e a (o(ent to !athe o.
tho.!hts and to ty to fi!.e o.t whee thin!s stood, and that on,e we had (oe
info(ation I ,o.)d &e the (ost ,oopeati*e witness in the wo)d. 6.t I didn't want to wait
that )on!. I wanted to -now what the ,ops -new, and I w.inied to -now i!ht away.
BI don't need a )awye,B I to)d Howad. BI'( inno,ent.B And yeah, I -now what yo.'e
thin-in!: BE*ey&ody's inno,entH The pisons ae fi))ed with !.ys who didn't do shitHB 6.t
that's (y point. Ha)f of yo. thin- I did it, and nothin! wi)) e*e (a-e yo. ,han!e yo.
(inds. The othe ha)f -now I didn't do it, and a)) the e*iden,e in the wo)dCp)anted o
othewiseCisn't !oin! to sway yo., eithe. 6.t this wasn't a&o.t that. This was a&o.t (e,
the pi(e s.spe,t, the a,,.sed paty, and I did what a)) a,,.sed (en do at the (o(ent of
t.th: I po,)ai(ed (y inno,en,e. A&so).te)y 1$$ pe,ent not !.i)ty, yo. hono. 4o. (i!ht
e(e(&e that phase. I .sed it at the &e!innin! of the tia). I t.ned to )oo- at Howad
a!ain. BI'( !oin! to ta)- to the(,B I said. BI don't ,ae a&o.t anythin! e)se. I want to -now
e/a,t)y what the f.,- is !oin! on.B And that was the t.th. 5y wife was dead. I was
e/ha.sted. I needed to -now what the ,ops -new. I wanted to !et tho.!h this thin! as
0.i,-)y as possi&)e, and I wanted despeate)y to see (y -ids. So I !ot in the ,a with
Eannatte and 7an!e and we went down to +a-e Cente, fo the inte*iew. No &.))shit.
No )awyes. No intefeen,e. '.st (e and the(. If it had on)y &een that easy . . . On '.ne
13, 188=, a )itt)e afte 1:3$ +.5., I fo.nd (yse)f in an inteo!ation oo( at +a-e Cente,
in downtown 7os An!e)es, ta)-in! to +hi)ip Eannatte and Tho(as 7an!e, the two ,ops
who wee )eadin! the in*esti!ation. The inte*iew )asted thity;two (in.tes, and the entie
tans,ipt fo))ows: EANNATTER: . . . (y patne, Dete,ti*e 7an!e, and we'e in an
inte*iew oo( in +a-e Cente. The date is '.ne 13, 188=, and the ti(e is 13:32 ho.s.
And we'e hee with O.'. Si(pson. Is that Oentha) 'a(es Si(psonA O.'.: Oentha)
'a(es Si(pson. EANNATTER: And what is yo. &ith date, 5. Si(psonA O.'.: '.)y 8,
18=9. EANNATTER: O-ay. +io to .s ta)-in! to yo., as we a!eed with yo. attoney, )'(
!oin! to !i*e yo. yo. attoney, I'( !oin! to
9.
THE INTERRO>ATION
!i*e yo. yo. ,onstit.tiona) i!hts. And I wo.)d )i-e yo. to )isten ,aef.))y. If yo. don't
.ndestand anythin!, te)) (e, o-ayA O.'.: A)) i!ht. EANNATTER: O-ay. 5. Si(pson, yo.
ha*e the i!ht to e(ain si)ent. If yo. !i*e .p the i!ht to e(ain si)ent, anythin! yo. say
,an and wi)) &e .sed a!ainst yo. in a ,o.t of )aw. 4o. ha*e the i!ht to spea- to an
attoney and to ha*e an attoney pesent d.in! the 0.estionin!. If yo. so desie and
,annot affod one, an attoney wi)) &e appointed fo yo. witho.t ,ha!e &efoe 0.estionin!.
Do yo. .ndestand yo. i!htsA O.'.: 4es, I do. EANNATTER: Ae thee any 0.estions
a&o.t thatA O.'.: L.ninte))i!i&)eM. EANNATTER: O-ay, yo.'*e !ot to spea- .p )o.de than
that . . . O.'.: O-ay, no. EANNATTER: O-ay, do yo. wish to !i*e .p yo. i!ht to e(ain
si)ent and ta)- to .sA O.'.: Ah, yes. EANNATTER: O-ay, and yo. !i*e .p yo. i!ht to
ha*e an attoney pesent whi)e we ta)-A O.'.: 5(( h((. 4es. EANNATTER: O-ay. A))
i!ht, what we'e !onna do is, we want to . . . ?e'e in*esti!atin!, o&*io.s)y, the death of
yo. e/wife and anothe (an. 7AN>E: So(eone to)d .s that. EANNATTER: 4eah, and
we'e !oin! to need to ta)- to yo. a&o.t that. Ae yo. di*o,ed fo( he nowA
O.'.: 4es. EANNATTER: How )on! ha*e yo. &een di*o,edA O.'.: Offi,ia))yA +o&a&)y
,)ose to two yeas, &.t we'*e &een apat fo a )itt)e o*e two yeas. EANNATTER: Ha*e
yo.A O.'.: 4eah. EANNATTER: ?hat was yo. e)ationship with heA ?hat was theO.' .:
?e)), we tied to !et &a,- to!ethe, and it D.st didn't wo-. It wasn't wo-in!, and so we
wee !oin! o. sepaate ways. EANNATTER: Re,ent)y yo. tied to !et &a,- to!etheA
O.' .: ?e tied to !et &a,- to!ethe fo a&o.t a yea, yo. -now, whee we stated datin!
ea,h othe and seein! ea,h othe. She ,a(e &a,- and wanted .s to !et &a,- to!ethe,
andEANNATTER: ?ithin the )ast yea, yo.'e ta)-in! a&o.tA O.'.: She ,a(e &a,- a&o.t a
yea and fo. (onths a!o a&o.t .s tyin! to !et &a,- to!ethe, and we !a*e it a shot. ?e
!a*e it a shot the &ette pat of a yea. And I thin- we &oth -new it wasn't wo-in!, and
po&a&)y thee wee-s a!o o so, we said it D.st wasn't wo-in!, and we went o. sepaate
ways. EANNATTER: O-ay, the two ,hi)den ae yo.sA O.'.: 4es. 7AN>E: She ha*e
,.stodyA O.' .: ?e ha*e Doint ,.stody. 7AN>E: Tho.!h the ,o.tsA O.'.: ?e went
tho.!h the ,o.ts and e*eythin!. E*eythin! is done. ?e ha*e no po&)e(s with the
-ids, we do e*eythin! to!ethe, yo. -now, with the -ids.
EANNATTER: How was yo. sepaationA ?hatO.'.: The fist sepaationA EANNATTER:
4eah, was thee po&)e(s with thatA Fo (e, it was &i! po&)e(s. I )o*ed he, I didn't want
.s to sepaate. EANNATTER: Uh h.h. I .ndestand she had (ade a ,o.p)e of ,i(eC
,i(e epots o so(ethin!A O.'.: Ah, we had a &i! fi!ht a&o.t si/ yeas a!o on New
4ea's, yo. -now, she (ade a epot. I didn't (a-e a epot. And then we had an
a)te,ation a&o.t a yea a!o (ay&e. It wasn't a physi,a) a!.(ent. I -i,-ed he doo o
so(ethin!. EANNATTER: And she (ade a po)i,e epot on those two o,,asionsA O.'.:
5(( h((. And I stayed i!ht thee .nti) the po)i,e ,a(e, ta)-ed to the(. 7AN>E: ?ee
yo. aested at one ti(e fo so(ethin!A O.'.: No. I (ean, fi*e yeas a!o we had a &i!
fi!ht, si/ yeas a!o. I don't -now. I -now I ended .p doin! ,o((.nity se*i,e.
EANNATTER: So yo. ween't aestedA No, I was ne*e ea))y aested. 7AN>E: They
ne*e &oo-ed yo. oO.'.: No. EANNATTER: Can I as- yo., when's the )ast ti(e yo.'*e
s)eptA O.'.: I !ot a ,o.p)e of ho.s s)eep )ast ni!ht. I (ean, yo. -now, I s)ept a )itt)e on the
p)ane, not (.,h, and when I !ot to the hote) I was as)eep a few ho.s when the phone ,a))
,a(e. 7AN>E: Did Ni,o)e ha*e a ho.se(aid that )i*ed theeA
O.'.: I &e)ie*e so, yes. 7AN>E: Do yo. -now he na(e at a))A O.'.: E*ia, E)*ia, so(ethin!
)i-e that. EANNATTER: ?e didn't see he thee. Did she ha*e the day off pehapsA O.'.: I
don't -now. I don't -now what s,hed.)e she's on. 7AN>E: +hi), what do yo. thin-A ?e ,an
(ay&e D.st e,o.nt )ast ni!htEANNATTER: 4eah. ?hen was the )ast ti(e yo. saw
Ni,o)eA O.'.: ?e wee )ea*in! a dan,e e,ita). She too- off and I was ta)-in! to he
paents. EANNATTER: ?hee was the dan,e e,ita)A O.'.: +a.) Re*ee Hi!h S,hoo).
EANNATTER: And was that fo one of yo. ,hi)denA O.'.: 4eah, fo (y da.!hte,
Sydney. EANNATTER: And what ti(e was that yestedayA O.'.: It ended a&o.t si/ thity,
0.ate to se*en, so(ethin! )i-e that, yo. -now, in the &a))pa-, i!ht in that aea. And they
too- off. EANNATTER: TheyA O.'.: He and he fa(i)yChe (othe and fathe, sistes,
(y -ids, yo. -now. EANNATTER: And then yo. went yo. own sepaate wayA 4eah,
a,t.a))y she )eft, and then they ,a(e &a,- and he (othe !ot in a ,a with he, and the
-ids a)) pi)ed into he siste's ,a, and they EANNATTER. ?as Ni,o)e di*in!A
O.'.: 4eah. EANNATTER: ?hat -ind of ,a was she di*in!A O.'.: He &)a,- ,a, a
Cheo-ee, a 'eep Cheo-ee. EANNATTER: ?hat wee yo. di*in!A O.'.: 5y Ro))s;
Roy,e, (y 6ent)ey. EANNATTER: Do yo. own that Fod 6on,o that sits o.tsideA O.'.:
HetF owns it, and HetF )ets (e .se it. EANNATTER: So that's yo. *ehi,)e, the one that
was pa-ed thee on the steetA O.'.: 5(( h((. EANNATTER: And it's a,t.a))y owned
&y HetFA O.'.: HetF, yeah. EANNATTER: ?ho's the pi(ay di*e on thatA 4o.A O.'.: I
di*e it, the ho.se-eepe di*es it, yo. -now, it's -ind of aEANNATTER: A));p.pose type
*ehi,)eA O.'.: A));p.pose, yeah. It's the on)y one that (y ins.an,e wi)) a))ow (e to )et
anyone e)se di*e. EANNATTER: O-ay. 7AN>E: ?hen yo. di*e it, whee do yo. pa- it
at ho(eA ?hee it is now, it was in the steet o so(ethin!A O.'.: I a)ways pa- it on the
steet. 7AN>E: 4o. ne*e ta-e it in theO.'.: Oh, ae)y. I (ean, I')) &in! it in and swit,h
the st.ff, yo. -now, and st.ff )i-e that. I did that yesteday, yo. -now. 7AN>E: ?hen did
yo. )ast di*e itA O.'.: 4esteday.
EANNATTER: ?hat ti(e yestedayA O.'.: In the (onin!, in the aftenoon. EANNATTER:
O-ay, yo. )eft he, yo.'e sayin!, a&o.t si/;thity o se*en, o she )eft the e,ita)A O.'.:
4eah. EANNATTER: And yo. spo-e with he paentsA 4eah, we wee D.st sittin! thee
ta)-in!. EANNATTER: O-ay, what ti(e did yo. )ea*e the e,ita)A O.'.: Ri!ht a&o.t that
ti(e. ?e wee a)) )ea*in!. ?e wee a)) )ea*in! then. He (othe said so(ethin! a&o.t (e
Doinin! the( fo dinne, and I said no than-s. EANNATTER: ?hee did yo. !o fo( thee,
O.'.A O.' .: Ah, ho(e, ho(e fo a whi)e, !ot (y ,a fo a whi)e, tied to find (y !i)fiend
fo a whi)e, ,a(e &a,- to the ho.se. EANNATTER: ?ho was ho(e when yo. !ot ho(eA
O.'.: :ato. EANNATTER: :atoA Any&ody e)seA ?as yo. da.!hte thee, Ane))eA O.'.:
No. EANNATTER: Isn't that he na(e, Ane))eA O.'.: Ane))e, yeah. EANNATTER: So
what ti(e do yo. thin- yo. !ot &a,- ho(e, a,t.a))y physi,a))y !ot ho(eA O.'.: Se*en;
so(ethin!. EANNATTER: Se*en;so(ethin!A And then yo. )eft, andO.'.: 4eah, I'( tyin!
to thin-, did I )ea*eA 4o. -now, I'( a)ways . I had to .n and !et (y da.!hte so(e
f)owes.
I was a,t.a))y doin! the e,ita), so I .shed and !ot he so(e f)owes, and I ,a(e ho(e,
and then I ,a))ed +a.)a as I was !oin! to he ho.se, and +a.)a wasn't ho(e.
EANNATTER: +a.)a is yo. !i)fiendA O.'.: >i)fiend, yeah. EANNATTER: +a.)a whoA
O.'.: 6a&iei. EANNATTER: Co.)d yo. spe)) that fo (eA O.'.: 6;A;R;6;I;E;R;I.
EANNATTER: Do yo. -now an addess on heA O.'.: No, she )i*es on ?i)shie, &.t I thin-
she's o.t of town. EANNATTER: 4o. !ot a phone n.(&eA O.'.: 4eah . . . EANNATTER:
So yo. didn't see he )ast ni!htA O.'.: No, we'd &een to a &i! affai the ni!ht &efoe, and
then I ,a(e &a,- ho(e. I was &asi,a))y at ho(e. I (ean, any ti(e I wasCwhate*e ti(e it
too- (e to !et to the e,ita) and &a,-, to !et to the f)owe shop and &a,-, I (ean, that's
the ti(e I was o.t of the ho.se. EANNATTER: ?ee yo. s,hed.)ed to p)ay !o)f this
(onin!, so(e p)a,eA O.'.: In Chi,a!o. EANNATTER: ?hat -ind of to.na(ent was itA
Ah, it was HetF, with spe,ia) ,)ients. EANNATTER: Oh, o-ay. ?hat ti(e did yo. )ea*e
)ast ni!ht, )ea*e the ho.seA O.'.: To !o to the aipotA
EANNATTER: 5(( h((. O.' .: A&o.t. . . . The )i(o was s.pposed to &e thee at ten
fotyfi*e. No(a))y, they !et thee a )itt)e ea)ie. I was .shin! ao.ndCso(ewhee
&etween thee and e)e*en. EANNATTER: So appo/i(ate)y ten foty;fi*e to e)e*en. O.'.:
E)e*en o',)o,-, yeah, so(ewhee in that aea. EANNATTER: And yo. went &y )i(oA O.'.:
4eah. EANNATTER: ?ho's the )i(o se*i,eA O.'.: Ah, yo. ha*e to as- (y offi,e. 7AN>E:
Did yo. ,on*ese with the di*e at a))A Did yo. ta)- to hi(A .: No, he was a new di*e.
No(a))y, I ha*e a e!.)a di*e I di*e with and ,on*ese. No, D.st a&o.t .shin! to the
aipot, a&o.t how I )i*e (y )ife on aip)anes, and hote)s, that type of thin!. 7AN>E: ?hat
ti(e did the p)ane )ea*eA Ah, e)e*en foty;fi*e the f)i!ht too- off. EANNATTER: ?hat
ai)ine was itA O.'.: A(ei,an. EANNATTER: A(ei,anA And it was e)e*en foty;fi*e to
Chi,a!oA O.'.: Chi,a!o. 7AN>E: So yesteday yo. did di*e the white 6on,oA O.'.:
5(( h((. 7AN>E: And whee did yo. pa- it when yo. &o.!ht it ho(eA O.'.: Ah, the
fist ti(e po&a&)y &y the (ai)&o/. I'( tyin! to thin-, o did I &in! it in the di*ewayA
No(a))y, I wi)) pa- it &y the (ai)&o/, so(eti(es ...
7AN>E: On Ashfod, o Ash)andA O.'.: On Ashfod, yeah. 7AN>E: ?hee did yo. pa-
yesteday fo the )ast ti(e, do yo. e(e(&eA O.'.: Ri!ht whee it is. 7AN>E: ?hee it is
nowA O.'.: 4eah. 7AN>E: ?hee, onCA O.'.: Ri!ht on the steet thee. 7AN>E: On
AshfodA O.'.: No, on Ro,-in!ha(. 7AN>E: 4o. pa-ed it theeA O.'.: 4es. 7AN>E:
A&o.t what ti(e was thatA O.'.: Ei!ht;so(ethin!, se*en . . . ei!ht, nine o',)o,-, I don't
-now, i!ht in that aea. 7AN>E: Did yo. ta-e it to the e,ita)A O.'.: No. 7AN>E: ?hat
ti(e was the e,ita)A O.'.: O*e at a&o.t si/;thity. 7i-e I said, I ,a(e ho(e, I !ot (y ,a, I
was !oin! to see (y !i)fiend. I was ,a))in! he and she wasn't ao.nd. 7AN>E: So yo.
do*e theCyo. ,a(e ho(e in the Ro))s, and then yo. !ot in the 6on,o .. . O.'.: In the
6on,o, ',a.se (y phone was in the 6on,o. And &e,a.se it's a 6on,o. It's a 6on,o, it's
what I di*e, yo. -now. I'd athe di*e it than any othe ,a. And, yo. -now,
as I was !oin! o*e thee, I ,a))ed he a ,o.p)e of ti(es and she wasn't thee, and I )eft a
(essa!e, and then I ,he,-ed (y (essa!es, and thee wee no new (essa!es. She
wasn't thee, and she (ay ha*e to )ea*e town. Then I ,a(e &a,- and ended .p sittin!
with :ato. 7AN>E: O-ay, what ti(e was this a!ain that yo. pa-ed the 6on,oA O.'.:
Ei!ht;so(ethin!, (ay&e. He hadn't done a 'a,.FFi, we had . ?ent and !ot a &.!e, and
I'd ,o(e ho(e and -ind of )eis.e)y !ot eady to !o. I (ean, we'd done a few thin!s . . .
7AN>E: 4o. ween't in a h.y when yo. ,a(e &a,- with the 6on,o. O.'.: No. 7AN>E:
The eason I as-ed yo., the ,as wee pa-ed -ind of at a f.nny an!)e, st.,- o.t in the
steet. O.'.: ?e)), it's pa-ed &e,a.se. . . . I don't -now if it's a f.nny an!)e o what. It's
pa-ed &e,a.se when I was h.st)in! at the end of the day to !et a)) (y st.ff, and I was
!ettin! (y phone and e*eythin! off it, when I D.st p.))ed it o.t of the !ate thee, it's )i-e it's
a ti!ht t.n. 7AN>E: So yo. had it inside the ,o(po.nd, thenA O.'.: 4eah. 7AN>E: Oh,
o-ay. O.'.: I &o.!ht it inside the ,o(po.nd to !et (y st.ff o.t of it, and then I p.t it o.t,
and I'd .n &a,- inside the !ate &efoe the !ate ,)oses. EANNATTER: O.'., what's yo.
offi,e phone n.(&eA
$.'.: L!i*es n.(&eM EANNATTER: And is that aea ,ode 31$A $.'.: 4es. EANNATTER:
How did yo. !et the inD.y on yo. handA $.'.: I don't -now. The fist ti(e, when I was in
Chi,a!o and a)), &.t at the ho.se I was D.st .nnin! ao.nd. EANNATTER:How did yo. do
it in Chi,a!oA O.'.: I &o-e a !)ass. One of yo. !.ys had D.st ,a))ed (e, and I was in the
&athoo(, and I D.st -ind of went &on-es fo a )itt)e &it. 7AN>E: Is that how yo. ,.t itA
O.'.: 5((, it was ,.t &efoe, &.t I thin- I D.st opened it a!ain, I'( not s.e. 7AN>E: Do
yo. e,a)) &)eedin! at a)) in yo. t.,-, in the 6on,oA O.'.: I e,a)) &)eedin! at (y ho.se
and then I went to the 6on,o. The )ast thin! I did &efoe I )eft, when I was .shin!, was
went and !ot (y phone o.t of the 6on,o. 7AN>E: 5(( h((. ?hee's the phone nowA
$.'.: In (y &a!. 7AN>E: 4o. ha*e itA $.'.: In that &)a,- &a!. 7AN>E: 4o. &o.!ht a &a!
with yo. heeA O.'.: 4eah, it's7AN>E: So do yo. e,a)) &)eedin! at a))A $.'.: 4eah, I
(ean, I -new I was &)eedin!, &.t it was no &i! dea). I &)eed a)) the ti(e. I p)ay !o)f and
st.ff, so thee's a)ways so(ethin!, ni,-s and st.ff hee and thee.
7AN>E: So did yo. do anythin!A ?hen did yo. p.t the 6and;Aid on itA $.'.: A,t.a))y, I
as-ed the !i) this (onin! fo it. 7AN>E: And she !ot itA $.'.: 4eah, ',a.se )ast ni!ht with
:ato, when I was )ea*in!, he was sayin! so(ethin! to (e, and I was .shin! to !et (y
phone, and I p.t a )itt)e thin! on it, and it stopped. EANNATTER: Do yo. ha*e the -eys to
that 6on,oA $.'.: 4eah. EANNATTER: O-ay. ?e'*e i(po.nded the 6on,o. I don't -now
if yo. -now that o not. $.'.: No. EANNATTER: Cta-e a )oo- at it. Othe than yo., who's
the )ast peson to di*e itA $.'.: +o&a&)y >i!i. ?hen I'( o.t of town, I don't -now who
di*es the ,a, (ay&e (y da.!hte, (ay&e :ato. EANNATTER: The -eys ae a*ai)a&)eA
$.'.: I )ea*e the -eys thee, yo. -now, when >i!i's thee &e,a.se so(eti(es she needs it,
o >i!i was off and wasn't ,o(in! &a,- .nti) today, and I was ,o(in! &a,- toni!ht.
EANNATTER: So yo. don't (ind if >i!i .ses it, o$.'.: This is the on)y one I ,an )et he
.se. ?hen she doesn't ha*e he ,a, ',a.se so(eti(es he h.s&and ta-es he ,a, I )et
he .se the ,a. 7AN>E: ?hen was the )ast ti(e yo. wee at Ni,o)e's ho.seA O.'.: I don't
!o in, I won't !o in he ho.se. I ha*en't &een in he ho.se in a wee-, (ay&e fi*e days. I !o
to he ho.se a )ot. I
(ean, I'( a)ways doppin! the -ids off, pi,-in! the -ids .p, foo)in! ao.nd with the do!,
yo. -now. EANNATTER: How does that .s.a))y wo-A Do yo. dop the( at the po,h, o
do yo. !o in with the(A O.'.: No, I don't !o in the ho.se. EANNATTER: Is thee a -ind of
!ate o.t fontA O.'.: 4eah. EANNATTER: 6.t yo. ne*e !o inside the ho.seA O.'.: Up
.nti) a&o.t fi*e days, si/ days a!o, I ha*en't &een in the ho.se. On,e I stated seein!
+a.)a a!ain, I -ind of a*oid Ni,o)e. EANNATTER: Is Ni,o)e seein! any&ody e)se that
yo.O.'.: I ha*e no idea. I ea))y ha*e a&so).te)y no idea. I don't as- he. I don't -now. He
and he !i)fiends, they !o o.t, yo. -now, they'*e !ot so(e thin!s !oin! on i!ht now with
he !i)fiends, so I'( ass.(in! so(ethin!'s happenin! &e,a.se one of the !i)fiends is
ha*in! a &i! po&)e( with he h.s&and &e,a.se she's a)ways sayin! she's with Ni,o)e
.nti) thee o fo. in the (onin!. She's not. 4o. -now, Ni,o)e te))s (e she )ea*es he at
one thity o two o two thity, and the !i) doesn't !et ho(e .nti) fi*e, and she on)y )i*es a
few &)o,-s away. EANNATTER: So(ethin!'s !oin! on, h.hA 7AN>E: Do yo. -now whee
they went, the fa(i)y, fo dinne )ast ni!htA O.'.: No. ?e)), no, I didn't as-. 7AN>E: I D.st
tho.!ht (ay&e thee's a e!.)a p)a,e that they !o.
O.'.: No. If I was with the(, we'd !o to Tos,ana. I (ean, not Tos,ano, +epponi's.
EANNATTER: 4o. ha*en't had any po&)e(s with he )ate)y, ha*e yo., O.'.A O.'.: I
a)ways ha*e po&)e(s with he, yo. -nowA O. e)ationship has &een a po&)e(
e)ationship. +o&a&)y )ate)y fo (e, and I say this on)y &e,a.se I said it to Ron yesteday
at theCRon Fish(an, whose wife is CoaCat the dan,e e,ita), when he ,a(e .p to (e
and went, BOooh, &oy, what's !oin! onAB and e*ey&ody was &eefin! with e*ey&ody. And
I said, B?e)), I'( D.st !)ad I'( o.t of the (i/.B 4o. -now, &e,a.se I was )i-e dea)in! with
hi( and his po&)e(s with his wife and Ni,o)e and e*ident)y so(e new po&)e(s that a
!.y na(ed Chistian was ha*in! with his !i), and she was stayin! at Ni,o)e's ho.se, and
so(ethin! was !oin! on, &.t I don't thin- it's petinent to this. EANNATTER: Did Ni,o)e
ha*e wods with yo. )ast ni!htA O.'.: +adon (eA EANNATTER: Did Ni,o)e ha*e wods
with yo. )ast ni!htA O.'.: No, not at a)). EANNATTER: Did yo. ta)- to he )ast ni!htA To
as- to spea- to (y da.!hte, to ,on!at.)ate (y da.!hte, and e*eythin!. EANNATTER:
6.t yo. didn't ha*e a ,on*esation with heA O.'.: No, no. EANATTER ?hat wee yo.
weain! )ast ni!ht, O.'.A
?hat did I wea on the !o)f ,o.se yestedayA So(e of these -ind of pants, so(e of these
-ind of pantsCI (ean I ,han!ed diffeent fo whate*e it was. I D.st had on so(e . . .
EANNATTER: '.st these &)a,- pantsA O.'.: '.st these. . . . They'e ,a))ed 6.!)e 6oy.
EANNATTER: These aen't the pantsA O.'.: No. EANNATTER: ?hee ae the pants that
yo. woeA O.'.: They'e han!in! in (y ,)oset. EANNATTER: These ae washa&)e, i!htA
4o. D.st thow the( in the )a.ndyA O.'.: 4eah, I !ot a h.nded pai. They !i*e the( to
(e fee, 6.!)e 6oys, so I'*e !ot a &.n,h of the(. EANNATTER: Do yo. e,a)) ,o(in!
ho(e and han!in! the( .p, oCA O.'.: I a)ways han! .p (y ,)othes. I (ean, it's ae that
I don't han! .p (y ,)othes .n)ess I'( )ayin! the( in (y &athoo( fo he to do so(ethin!
with the(, &.t those ae the on)y thin!s I don't han! .p. 6.t when yo. p)ay !o)f, yo. don't
ne,essai)y dity pants. 7AN>E: ?hat -ind of shoes wee yo. weain!A O.'.: Tennis
shoes. 7AN>E: Tennis shoesA Do yo. -now what -indA O.'.: +o&a&)y Ree&o-, that's a)) I
wea. 7AN>E: Ae they at ho(e, tooA O.'.: 4eah.
7AN>E: ?as this s.pposed to &e a shot tip to Chi,a!o, so yo. didn't ta-e a who)e )otA
O.'.: 4eah, I was ,o(in! &a,- today. 7AN>E: '.st o*eni!htA O.'.: 4eah. EANNATTER:
That's a he,ti, s,hed.)e, di*e &a,- hee to p)ay !o)f and ,o(e &a,-. O.'.: 4eah, &.t I do
it a)) the ti(e. EANNATTER: Do yo.A O.'.: 4eah. That's what I was ,o(p)ainin! with the
di*e a&o.t, yo. -now, a&o.t (y who)e )ife is on and off aip)anes. EANNATTER: O.'.,
we'*e !ot sot of a po&)e(. O.'.: 5(( h((. EANNATTER: ?e'*e !ot so(e &)ood on
and in yo. ,a, we'*e !ot so(e &)ood at yo. ho.se, and sot of a po&)e(. O.'.: ?e)),
ta-e (y &)ood test. 7AN>E: ?e)), we'd )i-e to do that. ?e'*e !ot, of ,o.se, the ,.t on
yo. fin!e that yo. aen't ea) ,)ea on. Do yo. e,a)) ha*in! that ,.t on yo. fin!e the
)ast ti(e yo. wee at Ni,o)e's ho.seA O.'.: A wee- a!oA 7AN>E: 4eah. O.'.: No. It was
)ast ni!ht. 7AN>E: O-ay, so )ast ni!ht yo. ,.t it. EANNATTER: So(ewhee afte the
e,ita)A O.'.: So(ewhee when I was .shin! to !et o.t of (y ho.se.
EANNATTER: O-ay, afte the e,ita). O.'.: 4eah. EANNATTER: ?hat do yo. thin-
happenedA Do yo. ha*e any ideaA O.'.: I ha*e no idea, (an. 4o. !.ys ha*en't to)d (e
anythin!. I ha*e no idea. ?hen yo. said to (y da.!hte, who said so(ethin! to (e today,
that so(e&ody e)se (i!ht ha*e &een in*o)*ed, I ha*e a&so).te)y no idea what happened. I
don't -now how, why o what. 6.t yo. !.ys ha*en't to)d (e anythin!. E*ey ti(e I as- yo.
!.ys, yo. say yo.'e !oin! to te)) (e in a &it. EANNATTER: ?e)), we don't -now a )ot of
answes to these 0.estions yet o.se)*es, O.'., o-ayA O.'.: I'*e !ot a &.n,h of !.ns, !.ns
a)) o*e the p)a,e. 4o. ,an ta-e the(, they'e a)) thee. I (ean, yo. ,an see the(. I -eep
the( in (y ,a fo an in,ident that happened a (onth a!o that (y in;)aws, (y wife and
e*ey&ody -nows a&o.t that. EANNATTER: ?hat was thatA O.'.: >oin! down to. . . . And
,ops down thee -now a&o.t it &e,a.se I'*e to)d two (asha)s a&o.t it. At a (a)), I was
!oin! down fo a ,histenin!, and I had D.st )eftCand it was )i-e thee thity in the (onin!,
and I'( in a )ane, and a)so the ,a in font of (e is !oin! ea) s)ow, and I'( s)owin! down
',a.se I fi!.e he sees a ,op, ',a.se we wee a)) !oin! petty fast. And I'( !oin! to
,han!e )anes, &.t thee's a ,a ne/t to (e, and I ,an't ,han!e )anes. Then that !oes fo a
whi)e, and I'( !oin! o s)ow down and !o ao.nd hi( &.t
the ,a &.tts .p to (e, and I'( )i-e ,a.!ht &etween thee ,as. They wee Oienta) !.ys,
and they wee not )ettin! (e !o anywhee. And fina))y I went on the sho.)de, and I sped
.p, and then I he)d (y phone .p so they ,o.)d see the )i!ht pat of it, yo. -now, ',a.se I
ha*e tinted windows, and they -ind of s,atteed, and I ,hased one of the( fo a whi)e to
(a-e hi( thin- I was ,hasin! hi( &efoe I too- off. 7AN>E: ?ee yo. in the 6on,oA
O.'.: No. 7AN>E: ?hat wee yo. di*in!A O.'.: 5y 6ent)ey. It has tinted windows and a)),
so I fi!.ed they tho.!ht they had a ni,e )itt)e to.,h. 7AN>E: Did yo. thin- they wee
tyin! to ip yo. offA O.'.: Definite)y, they wee. And then the ne/t thin!, yo. -now, Ni,o)e
and I went ho(e. At fo. in the (onin! I !ot thee to 7a!.na, and when we wo-e .p, I
to)d he a&o.t it, and to)d he paents a&o.t it, to)d e*ey&ody a&o.t it, yo. -nowA And
when I saw two (asha)s at a (a)), I wa)-ed .p and to)d the( a&o.t it. EANNATTER:
?hat did they do, (a-e a epot on itA O.'.: They didn't -now nothin!. I (ean, they'))
e(e(&e (e and e(e(&e I to)d the(. EANNATTER: Did Ni,o)e (ention that she'd
&een !ettin! any theats )ate)y to yo.A Anythin! she was ,on,ened a&o.t o the -ids'
safetyA O.'.: To heA EANNATTER: 4es.
O
.'.: Fo(A EANNATTER: Fo( any&ody. O.'.: No, not at a)). EANNATTER: ?as she *ey
se,.ity ,ons,io.sA Did she -eep that ho.se )o,-ed .pA O.'.: Eey. EANNATTER: The
inte,o( didn't wo- appaent)y, i!htA O.'.: I tho.!ht it wo-ed. EANNATTER: Oh, o-ay.
Does the e)e,toni, &.FFe wo-A O.'.: The e)e,toni, &.FFe wo-s to )et peop)e in.
EANNATTER: Do yo. e*e pa- in the ea when yo. !o o*e theeA O.'.: 5ost of the
ti(e. EANNATTER: 4o. do pa- in the ea. O.'.: 5ost ti(es when I'( ta-in! the -ids
thee, I ,o(e i!ht into the di*eway, &)ow the hon, and she, o a )ot of ti(es the
ho.se-eepe, eithe the ho.se-eepe opens o they')) -eep a !aa!e doo open .p on the
top of the thin!, yo. -now, &.t that's when I'( doppin! the -ids off, and I'( not !oin! in.
Thee's ti(es I !o to the font &e,a.se the -ids ha*e to hit the &.FFe and st.ff.
EANNATTER: Did yo. say &efoe that .p .nti) a&o.t thee wee-s a!o yo. !.ys wee
!oin! o.t a!ain and tyin! toO.'.: No, we'd &een !oin! o.t fo a&o.t a yea, and then the
)ast si/ (onths we'*e hadCit ain't &een wo-in!, so we tied *aio.s thin!s to see if we
,an (a-e it wo-. ?e stated tyin! to date, and that wasn't wo-in!, and so, yo. -now,
we D.st said the he)) with it, yo. -now.
EANNATTER: And that was a&o.t thee wee-s a!oA O.'.: 4eah, a&o.t thee wee-s a!o.
EANNATTER: So yo. wee seein! he .p to that pointA O.'.: It's, it'sCseein! he, yeah, I
(ean, yeah. It was a done dea). It D.st wasn't happenin!. I (ean, I was !one. I was in San
'.an doin! a fi)(, and I don't thin- we had se/ sin,e I'*e &een &a,- fo( San '.an, and
that was )i-e two (onths a!o. So it's &een )i-e Cfo the -ids we tied to do thin!s to!ethe,
yo. -now, we didn't ea))y date ea,h othe. Then we de,ided )et's ty to date ea,h othe.
?e went o.t one ni!ht, and it D.st didn't wo-. EANNATTER: ?hen yo. say it didn't wo-,
what do yo. (eanA O.'.: Ah, the ni!ht we went o.t it was f.n. Then the ne/t ni!ht we
went o.t it was a,t.a))y when I was down in 7a!.na, and she didn't want to !o o.t. And I
said, B?e)), )et's !o o.t ',a.se I ,a(e a)) the way down hee to !o o.t,B and we -ind of had
a &eef. And it D.st didn't wo- afte that, yo. -nowA ?e wee on)y tyin! to date to see if
we ,o.)d &in! so(e o(an,e &a,- into o. e)ationship. ?e D.st said, )et's teat ea,h
othe )i-e &oyfiend and !i)fiend instead of, yo. -now, )i-e se*enteen;yea;o)d (aied
peop)e. I (ean, se*enteen yeas to!ethe, whate*e that is. EANNATTER: How )on! wee
yo. to!etheA O.'.: Se*enteen yeas. EANNATTER: Se*enteen yeas. Did yo. e*e hit
he, O.'.A Ah, one ni!ht we had a fi!ht. ?e had a fi!ht, and she hit (e. And they ne*e
too- (y state(ent, they ne*e wanted to
hea (y side, and they ne*e wanted to hea the ho.se-eepe's side. Ni,o)e was d.n-.
She did he thin!, she stated teain! .p (y ho.se, yo. -nowA I didn't p.n,h he o
anythin!, &.t I . . I. EANNATTER:... s)apped he a ,o.p)e of ti(es. O.'.: No, no, I west)ed
he, is what I did. I didn't s)ap he at a)). I (ean, Ni,o)e's a ston! !i). She's aCone of the
(ost ,onditioned wo(en. Sin,e that peiod of ti(e, she's hit (e a few ti(es, &.t I'*e
ne*e to.,hed he afte that, and I'( te))in! yo., it's fi*e;si/ yeas a!o. EANNATTER:
?hat is he &ith dateA O.'.: 5ay nineteenth. EANNATTER: Did yo. !et to!ethe with he
on he &ithdayA O.'.: 4eah, he and I and the -ids, I &e)ie*e. EANNATTER: Did yo. !i*e
he a !iftA O.',: I !a*e he a !ift. EANNATTER: ?hat did yo. !i*e heA O.'.: I !a*e he
eithe a &a,e)et o the eain!s. EANNATTER: Did she -eep the( oO.'.: Oh, no, when
we sp)it she !a*e (e &oth the eain!s and the &a,e)et &a,-. I &o.!ht he a *ey ni,e
&a,e)etCI don't -now if it was 5othe's Day o he &ithdayCand I &o.!ht he the
eain!s fo the othe thin!, and when we sp)it, and it's a ,edit to he Cshe fe)t that it
wasn't i!ht that she had it, and I said !ood &e,a.se I want the( &a,-. EANNATTER:
?as that the *ey day of he &ithday, 5ay nineteenth, o was it a few days )ateA
O.'.: ?hat do yo. (eanA EANNATTER: 4o. !a*e it to he on the nineteenth of 5ay, he
&ithday, i!ht, this &a,e)etA O.'.: I (ay ha*e !i*en he the eain!s. No, the &a,e)et,
5ay nineteenth. ?hen was 5othe's DayA EANNATTER: 5othe's Day was ao.nd
that . . . O.'.: No, it was po&a&)y he &ithday, yes. EANNATTER: And did she et.n it the
sa(e dayA O.'.: Oh, no, sheCI'( in a f.nny p)a,e hee on this, a)) i!htA She et.ned itC
&oth of the(Cthee wee-s a!o o so, &e,a.se when I say I'( in a f.nny p)a,e on this it
was &e,a.se I !a*e it to (y !i)fiend and to)d he it was fo he, and that was thee wee-s
a!o. I to)d he I &o.!ht it fo he. 4o. -nowA ?hat a( I !oin! to do with itA 7AN>E: Did
5. ?eitF(an, yo. attoney, ta)- to yo. anythin! a&o.t this po)y!aph we &o.!ht .p
&efoeA ?hat ae yo. tho.!hts on thatA O.'.: Sho.)d I ta)- a&o.t (y tho.!hts on thatA
I'( s.e e*ent.a))y I')) do it, &.t it's )i-e I'*e !ot so(e weid tho.!hts now. I'*e had weid
tho.!hts. 4o. -now when yo.'*e &een with a peson fo se*enteen yeas, yo. thin-
e*eythin!. I'*e !ot to .ndestand what this thin! is. If it's t.e &).e, I don't (ind doin! it.
7AN>E: ?e)), yo.'e not ,o(pe))ed at a)) to ta-e this thin!, n.(&e one, and n.(&e two
CI don't -now if 5. ?eitF(an e/p)ained it to yo.Cthis !oes to the e/,).sion of so(eone
as (.,h as the in,).sion so we ,an e)i(inate peop)e. And D.st to !et thin!s stai!ht.
O.'.: 6.t does it wo- fo e)i(inationA 7AN>E: Oh, yes. ?e .se it fo e)i(ination (oe
than anythin!. O.'.: ?e)), I')) ta)- to hi( a&o.t it. 7AN>E: Undestand, the eason we'e
ta)-in! to yo. is &e,a.se yo.'e the e/;h.s&and. O.'.: I -now, I'( the n.(&e one ta!et,
and now yo. te)) (e I'*e !ot &)ood a)) o*e the p)a,e. 7AN>E: ?e)), thee's &)ood at yo.
ho.se in the di*eway, and we'*e !ot a sea,h waant, and we'e !oin! to !o !et the
&)ood. ?e fo.nd so(e in yo. ho.se. Is that yo. &)ood that's theeA O.'.: If it's dipped,
it's what I dipped .nnin! ao.nd tyin! to )ea*e. 7AN>E: 7ast ni!htA O.'.: 4eah, and I
wasn't awae that it wasCI was awae that II. . . 4o. -now, I was tyin! to !et o.t of the
ho.se. I didn't e*en pay any attention to it, I saw it when I was in the -it,hen, and I
!a&&ed a nap-in o so(ethin!, and that was it. I didn't thin- a&o.t it afte that.
EANNATTER: That was )ast ni!ht afte yo. !ot ho(e fo( the e,ita), when yo. wee
.shin!A O.'.: That was )ast ni!ht when I was. . . . I don't -now what I was. . . . I was in the
,a !ettin! (y D.n- o.t of the ,a. I was in the ho.se thowin! han!es and st.ff in (y
s.it,ase. I was doin! (y )itt)e ,aFy what I do. . . . I (ean, I do it e*eywhee. Any&ody
who has e*e pi,-ed (e .p says that
O.'.'s a whi)wind, he's .nnin!, he's !a&&in! thin!s, and that's what I was doin!.
EANNATTER: ?e)), I'( !oin! to step o.t and I'( !oin! to !et a photo!aphe to ,o(e
down and photo!aph yo. hand thee. And then hee petty soon we'e !oin! to ta-e yo.
downstais and !et so(e &)ood fo( yo.. O-ayA I')) &e i!ht &a,-. 7AN>E: So it was a&o.t
fi*e days a!o yo. )ast saw Ni,o)eA ?as it at the ho.seA O.'.: O-ay, the )ast ti(e I saw
Ni,o)e, physi,a))y saw Ni,o)eCI saw he o&*io.s)y )ast ni!ht. The ti(e &efoe, I'( tyin! to
thin-. . . . I went to ?ashin!ton, DC, so I didn't see he, so I'( tyin! to thin-. . . . I ha*en't
seen he sin,e I went to ?ashin!tonCwhat's the date todayA 7AN>E: Today's 5onday,
the thiteenth of '.ne. $.'.: O-ay, I went to ?ashin!ton on (ay&e ?ednesday. Th.sday I
thin- I was inCTh.sday I was in Conne,ti,.t, then 7on! Is)and on Th.sday aftenoon
and a)) of Fiday. I !ot ho(e Fiday ni!ht, Fiday aftenoon. I p)ayed, yo. -nowC+a.)a
pi,-ed (e .p at the aipot. I p)ayed !o)f Sat.day, and when I ,a(e ho(e I thin- (y son
was thee. So I did so(ethin! with (y son. I don't thin- I saw Ni,o)e at a)) then. And then I
went to a &i! affai with +a.)a Sat.day ni!ht, and I !ot .p and p)ayed !o)f S.nday whi,h
pissed +a.)a off, and I saw Ni,o)e at. . . . It was a&o.t a wee- &efoe, I saw he at 7AN>E:
O-ay, the )ast ti(e yo. saw Ni,o)e, was that at he ho.seA E:
O.'.: I don't e(e(&e. I wasn't in he ho.se, so it ,o.)dn't ha*e &een at he ho.se, so it
was, yo. -now, I don't physi,a))y e(e(&e the )ast ti(e I saw he. I (ay ha*e seen he
e*en Do!!in! one day. 7AN>E: 7et (e !et this stai!ht. 4o.'*e ne*e physi,a))y &een
inside the ho.seA O.'.: Not in the )ast wee-. 7AN>E: E*e. I (ean, how )on! has she
)i*ed theeA A&o.t si/ (onthsA O.'.: Oh, Chist, I'*e s)ept at the ho.se (any, (any, (any
ti(es, yo. -nowA I'*e done e*eythin! at the ho.se, yo. -nowA I'( D.st sayin!Cyo.'e
ta)-in! in the )ast wee- o so. 7AN>E: ?e)), whate*e. Si/ (onths she's )i*ed theeA O.'.:
I don't -now. Ro.!h)y. I was at he ho.se (ay&e two wee-s a!o, ten days a!o. One ni!ht
he and I had a )on! ta)-, yo. -now, a&o.t how ,an we (a-e it &ette fo the -ids, and I
to)d he we'd do thin!s &ette. And, o-ay, I ,an a)(ost say when that was. That was when
ICI don't -now, it was a&o.t ten days a!o. And then we . . . The ne/t day I had he ha*e
he do! do a f)ea &ath o so(ethin! with (e. Oh, I')) te)) yo., I did see he one day. One
day I wentCI don't -now if this was the ea)y pat of )ast wee-, I went ',a.se (y son had
to !o and !et so(ethin!, and he an in, and she ,a(e to the !ate, and the do! an o.t,
and he fiend Faye and I went )oo-in! fo the do!. That (ay ha*e &een a wee- a!o, I
don't -now. 7AN>E: LTo EannatteM >ot a photo!aphe ,o(in!A
EANNATTER: No, we'e !oin! to ta-e hi( .p thee. 7AN>E: ?e'e eady to te(inate this
at 1=:$9. And that was that. ?e went off to anothe pat of the &.i)din!, a photo!aphe
too- a few pi,t.es of the ,.t on (y fin!e, and the ,ops !a*e (e a ide &a,- to
Ro,-in!ha(. ?e didn't say a wod the who)e way. The pess was thee when I p.))ed .p,
and thei n.(&es had !own. I had to fi!ht (y way into (y own ho.se, with so(e of the
(oe a!!essi*e epotes pa,ti,a))y ta(p)in! ea,h othe to !et at (e. Two doFen
peop)e wee waitin! fo (e inside, (ost)y fiends and fa(i)y, and I !eeted the( in a
,o(p)ete fo!. 6o& :adashian and Howad ?eitF(an wee a)so thee, ea!e to )ean how
it had !one at +a-e Cente. They too- (e aside and as-ed (e to te)) the( e/a,t)y what
I'd to)d the ,ops. I ,o.)dn't e(e(&e (.,h, &.t I e(e(&eed !ettin! a )itt)e f).steed
when they as-ed (e what I tho.!ht had happened at the ,ondo, )i-e I -new (oe than I
was )ettin! on. That pissed (e off a )itt)e, to &e honest, &.t I fe)t )i-e I petty (.,h -ept it
to!ethe. Sti)), I was s.e I !ot so(e thin!s won!. I was espe,ia))y to.&)ed &y a)) this so;
,a))ed &)ood a)) o*e the p)a,e, and in the 6on,o in pati,.)a. I tho.!ht (ay&e I had ,.t
(yse)f in the ho.se the pe*io.s ni!ht, .shin! ao.nd to !et eady fo the f)i!ht to
Chi,a!o, &.t I wasn't ea) ,)ea on how it had happened, o e/a,t)y when. And I'd e,ent)y
,.t (yse)f in the 6on,o, ea,hin! fo (y ,e)) phone ,ha!e, &.t I ,o.)dn't e(e(&e how
e,ent)y. And
hadn't I had ,.t (yse)f in Chi,a!o when I thew that !)assA O was that an o)d ,.t that D.st
!ot opened .pA Chist, it was had to -eep ta,- of thin!s. I don't -now how they e/pe,ted
(e to e(e(&e so (.,h detai) when ha)f the ti(e I ,o.)dn't e(e(&e what I'd had fo
dinne the pe*io.s ni!ht o whee I was s.pposed to &e )ate that day. The on)y thin! that
(atteed was that they &e)ie*e (e: I was 1$$ pe,ent not !.i)ty. They had to &e)ie*e (e.
That's not the way it )oo-ed to the ,ops, tho.!hCthey had spent ho.s !oin! tho.!h
e*ey oo( in the ho.se, )oo-in! fo e*iden,eCand it's ,etain)y not the way it )oo-ed on
the news. ?e went into the den and f)ipped tho.!h the ,hanne)s. The (aDo netwo-s
wee a)) o*e the stoy, and they a)) see(ed to &e sayin! the sa(e thin!: O.'. Did It. That
ea))y thew (e. +eop)e wee statin! to thin- that I was ,apa&)e of (.de. ?ose, the
(edia was statin! to disse,t (y e)ationship with Ni,o)eCa wo(an I had )o*ed fo fifteen
yeas, &efoe e*eythin! went to he)). I ,o.)d a)eady see the stoy ta-in! shape: She was
)ea*in! hi(, and he )o*ed he and wanted he &a,-, and when he ea)iFed she wasn't
,o(in! &a,- he went o*e to he p)a,e and -i))ed he. Thin!s wee 0.i,-)y !ettin! o.t of
,onto). The pess inte*iewed any&ody they ,o.)d !et thei hands on, whethe it was a
passin! nei!h&o nea the 6.ndy ,ondo o a ,)eanin! wo(an .p on Ashfod. I didn't
ea)iFe so (any peop)e wee so despeate to appea on TE, &.t I !.ess that's Ho))ywood
fo yo.. I a)so saw p)enty of fi)e foota!e on 4o.s T.)y, do,.(entin! (y !)oy days on the
foot&a)) fie)d, (y (any yeas as a foot&a)) ana
)yst, and (y *aio.s &.siness s.,,esses, &.t the stoies a)ways ,a(e f.)) ,i,)e and
ended on (e and Ni,o)e: The yo.n! waitess I'd swept off he feet when she was &ae)y
ei!hteen. The stoy&oo- o(an,e that t.ned *o)ati)e and ended in di*o,e. And,
end)ess)y, this ,aFy notion that I wanted he &a,-. ?ho the f.,- wee these peop)e,
thin-in! they -new anythin! a&o.t (y e)ationship with Ni,o)eA Thee'd &een a ti(e,
a)(ost two yeas ea)ie, when Ni,o)e de,ided she wanted to sepaate, and, yesCI had
fo.!ht had to (a-e he ,han!e he (ind. 6.t she wo.)dn't ,han!e he (ind, and I (o*ed
on. 5onths )ate she fo.nd she was ha*in! se,ond tho.!hts, and she wote to shae the(
with (e: O.'. 4o.')) &e (y one and on)y Bt.e )o*e.BI'( soy fo the pain I'*e ,a.sed yo.
and I'( soy we )et it die. +)ease )et .s &e a fa(i)y a!ain, and )et (e )o*e yo.C&ette
than I e*e ha*e &efoe. So I tied a!ain, and I p.t a who)e !odda(n yea into it, and we
fai)ed (isea&)y, and when it fina))y ended I was !)ad to &e o.t of it. E*eyone who -new
Ni,o)e and (e -new that stoy, &.t the epotes didn't want that stoyCit didn't s.ppot
thei theoy. To hea the( te)) it, I'd &een pinin! fo Ni,o)e fo the past two yeas, &e!!in!
he to ,o(e ho(e, and on the ni!ht of '.ne 1# I fina))y snapped. It was .nea). As I stood
thee, wat,hin! one (is!.ided epote afte anothe, ea,h of the( ha((ein! the sa(e
the(e, I fe)t )i-e I was )osin! (y (ind. The ea) stoy, as I'*e to)d yo., was (.,h si(p)e
and (.,h )ess da(ati,. Ni,o)e and I had &een to!ethe fo se*enteen yeas .
The fist fifteen had &een a&so).te)y teifi,G the )ast two had &een tota) he)). So.nds )i-e a
)ot of (aia!es, i!htA 6.t now e*eythin! I was heain! a&o.t (yse)f was &ased on a
,atoon *esion of those )ast two yeas. I head (yse)f des,i&ed as an o&sessi*e)y
Dea)o.s e/;h.s&and so (any ti(es that the (edia a)(ost had (e &e)ie*in! it. To (a-e
(attes wose, a n.(&e of epotes an ao.nd inte*iewin! these so;,a))ed e/pets on
&atteed wo(en, ,eatin! the i(pession that Ni,o)e had &een a &atteed wo(an, and that
I, O.'. Si(pson, he fo(e h.s&and, was a -nown &attee. I e(e(&e heain! the
phase Bes,a)atin! *io)en,eB a n.(&e of ti(es, and wondein! how it app)ied to .s. I
ea)iFed that anyone )istenin! to those pati,.)a epots wo.)d ,o(e away thin-in! that
thee had &een so(e -ind of patten in o. (aia!eCthat I had epeated)y &eat (y wife,
and that the &eatin!s had &e,o(e po!essi*e)y wose. 'es.sH I hadn't e*en &e!.n to
(o.n Ni,o)e, and hee they wee, te))in! (eCand the wo)dC that I'd &eat he
(e,i)ess)y. ?hene*e I ,han!ed the ,hanne), I'd ,o(e a,oss a *aiation on the sa(e
the(e. So(eone wo.)d &e ta)-in! to anothe one of these so;,a))ed e/pets a&o.t the
i!ht way fo a wo(an to )ea*e an a&.si*e (an, fo e/a(p)e, and I wo.)d stand thee in
sho,-, open(o.thed, )istenin!. I si(p)y didn't !et it. This was a stoy a&o.t (y e/;wife,
who had D.st &een (.deed, and they wee t.nin! it into a stoy a&o.t spo.sa) a&.se.
One e/pet went tho.!h *aio.s s,enaios on the pope way to es,apeC,a)) the po)i,e,
)ea*e the ho.se whi)e he's at wo-, !et a estainin! odeCyada yada yada. I had to t.n
off the TE. It was (a-in! (e n.ts.
The saddest pat is, peop)e &o.!ht it. If it was on the news, it had to &e t.e. 5any (onths
)ate, when I was sittin! in pison, &ein! tied on two ,o.nts of (.de, I was *isited on
se*ea) o,,asions &y D. 7enoe ?a)-e, a ea) e/pet on &atteed wo(en, and she
a!eed with what D. 6enad 4.dowitF had to)d (eCthat I did not ha*e the pesona)ity of
a &attee. She had s.&De,ted (e to a n.(&e of standadiFed tests, and whi)e I was
happy with he ,on,).sion, I'*e !ot to te)) yo.CD.st to &e honest heeCthat those tests
wee petty (.,h &.))shit. I e(e(&e pointin! this o.t to he: B4o. ha*e so(e 0.estions
on thee that don't (a-e any sense at a)),B I said. She as-ed fo e/a(p)es, and I
i((ediate)y ,a(e .p with two. The fist was, B?hen yo. wa)- into a oo(, do yo. thin-
e*eyone is )oo-in! at yo.AB F.,-in';A they'e )oo-in! at (eH I don't thin- it. I -now it.
E*ey&ody is )oo-in! at (e. The se,ond was, BDo yo. thin- yo.'e the s.&De,t of
,on*esation in (ost so,ia) sit.ationsAB He)), yeahH I a( the s.&De,t of ,on*esationH Now,
if a !.y who se))s ins.an,e says thatCand I don't ha*e anythin! a!ainst !.ys who se))
ins.an,eCit (i!ht (ean he's !ot so(e -ind of pesona)ity disode. He)), fo a)) I -now, it
(a-es hi( a wife;a&.se. 6.t it doesn't (ean shit when I say it, &e,a.se it's the t.th. I
e(e(&e te))in! D. ?a)-e, BIt isn't that si(p)e. +eop)e ae diffeent. I don't see how yo.
,an p.t so (.,h faith in these tests.B And I to)d he this afte she ,a(e to (e with the
es.)ts, afte she de,ided I didn't ha*e the (a-in!s of an a&.si*e h.s&and.
And I to)d he this fo one *ey si(p)e eason: I didn't need anyone to te)) (e that I wasn't
a&.si*e, )et a)one so(e &o!.s tests. I -new I wasn't a&.si*e. 6.t that's not what the
(edia wanted to hea. It didn't &o)ste thei stoy. As fa as they wee ,on,ened, I was the
one and on)y s.spe,t, and they wee !oin! to (a-e a ,ase a!ainst (e &efoe I e*en went
to tia). <.
THE FI>HT OF 54 7IFE
At so(e point, )ate that sa(e e*enin!, so(e&ody t.ned off the TE and .!ed (e to !o to
&ed. The stoies wee too .psettin! and wee (a-in! (e ,aFy. One (in.te I'd &e ,yin!,
the ne/t I'd &e on (y feet, s,ea(in! at the TE set. I went to &ed, &.t I don't e(e(&e
s)eepin! (.,h, and in the (onin!, with the pess sti)) ,a(ped o.tside, 6o& :adashian
de,ided I sho.)d )ea*e the ho.se and (o*e into his p)a,e in En,ino. I had to ty to !et o.t
of the ho.se witho.t &ein! spotted &y the (edia, and I to)d hi( a&o.t the se,et path that
,.t tho.!h Ei, ?atts's popety, o*e &y the tennis ,o.ts. 6efoe we )eft, I as-ed
:adashian to !et (e so(ethin! fo( .nde the 6ent)ey's font seat. He went and !ot it. It
was (y &)a,- !ip, with (y .329 5a!n.( inside Ltho.!h, of ,o.se, he didn't -now this M. I
then
pa,-ed a few thin!s into (y &)a,- d.ffe)Cso(e ,)ean ,)othes, toi)eties, et,eteaCand we
)eft the ho.se at the sa(e ti(e. :adashian do*e tho.!h the Ro,-in!ha( !ate, and
t.ned towad Ashfod, and a few (in.tes )ate I (et hi( on 6isto). None of the epotes
had &een s(at eno.!h to fo))ow hi(. They a)) tho.!ht I was sti)) inside the ho.se. I as-ed
hi( to ta-e (e to the aipot to pi,- .p (y !o)f &a!, whi,h we'd )eft &ehind, and I fo.nd it
i!ht away. The &a! was (ade &y Ei,toino/, the Swiss A(y -nife peop)e, and it had that
distin,ti*e )o!o. It had &een !i*en to (e so(e (onths ea)ie &y the ,o(pany, with who(
I was doin! &.siness. Afte we )eft the aipot, we do*e stai!ht to :adashian's ho.se, in
En,ino, and 6o& stated ta)-in! a&o.t the othe 6o&C 6o& Shapio. He fe)t that Howad
?eitF(an wasn't the i!ht !.y fo .sChe wasn't a ,i(ina) attoneyCand he tho.!ht we
sho.)d see what Shapio had to say a&o.t the sit.ation. B ?hat ae we !oin! to do a&o.t
HowadAB I as-ed. B7et's woy a&o.t that )ate,B he said. ?hen we !ot to :adashian's
p)a,e, (y ,)ose fiend A.C. Cow)in!s was waitin! fo .s with (y -ids. They wee in one of
the !.est &athoo(s, p)ayin! in the 'a,.FFi, and when I fist saw the( I a)(ost fe)) apat. I
h.!!ed &oth of the( and to)d the( we had a )ot to ta)- a&o.t, and I as-ed the( to !et
dessed and ,o(e downstais when they wee done. ?hen they showed .p, )oo-in! so
,)ean and fesh, I ,o.)d fee) the &)ood .shin! to the &a,- of (y thoat, and I fo.nd (yse)f
fi!htin! teas. A!ain, the who)e thin! fe)t .nea). I'd seen the -ids
)ess than two days ea)ie, and they wee the sa(e -ids, &.t in that shot peiod of ti(e
the who)e wo)d had ,han!ed. S.dden)y I fe)t *ey a)one. Up .nti) that point, e*e sin,e I'd
head the news, I'd eithe &een ta*e)in! o in oo(s f.)) of peop)e, &.t now it was D.st (e
and the two -ids, and I didn't -now whee to &e!in. BSo(ethin! has happened to 5o((y,B
I &e!an, &.t Sydney ,.t (e off &efoe I ,o.)d ,ontin.e. B ?e -now,B she said. BShe's in
hea*en.B I had ass.(ed that I was !oin! to &e the one to &ea- the news, &.t appaent)y
'.dy had a)eady to)d the(. BThat's i!ht,B I said. BShe's in hea*en.B BCan we p)ay a
!a(eAB Sydney as-ed. I ea)iFed that neithe of the( ea))y .ndestood what had
happened to Ni,o)e, )et a)one the )on!;te( effe,ts that he death wo.)d ha*e on thei
)i*es. 6.t then, what did I e/pe,tA I hadn't po,essed it eithe. They wanted (e to ead
the( a stoy, and I ead the( a stoy, and they wanted to p)ay, so we hosed ao.nd a
)itt)e and I ti,-)ed the( and (ade the( )a.!h. 6.t it was .n&eaa&)y had fo (e. I was
sittin! thee stain! at these -ids, -nowin! that they wee ne*e a!ain !oin! to see thei
(othe, and -nowin! how deep)y that was !oin! to affe,t the( fo the est of thei )i*es.
That ea))y destoyed (e. I was so o*ewhe)(ed that I e/,.sed (yse)f fo a (o(ent and
)o,-ed (yse)f in the downstais &athoo( and wept. Then I p.))ed (yse)f to!ethe and
eDoined the(, and the thee of .s sat thee, enDoyin! ea,h othe's ,o(pany, petendin!
that e*eythin! was D.st fine that )ife was !eat.
7ate that sa(e day, A.C. too- the -ids &a,- to Dana +oint, &a,- to the 6owns, and I
wat,hed the( p.)) away in his white 6on,o and fe)t a)) e(ptied o.t. As I )oo- &a,- on it
now, I &e)ie*e that that's when it fina))y hit (eCthat that was the (o(ent I fina))y ea)iFed
Ni,o)e was t.)y !one. A shot whi)e )ate 6o& Shapio showed .p to ta)- to (e a&o.t what
)ay ahead. He i((ediate)y ,.t to the ,hase. A)(ost the fist thin! he said was, BO.'., I
need to -now: Did yo. do thisAB BA&so).te)y not,B I said. BI didn't do it, and I sti)) ,an't
&e)ie*e it a,t.a))y happened.B ?e ta)-ed fo a ,o.p)e of ho.sC:adashian, Shapio, and
(yse)fCand Shapio see(ed espe,ia))y .pset a&o.t the fa,t that ?eitF(an had )et (e
ta)- to the ,ops. I to)d hi( that I had insisted on ta)-in! to the ,ops, and he said that that
wasn't the point. ?eitF(an sho.)d ha*e tied to stop (e, andCwhen that didn't wo-Che
sho.)d ha*e &een at (y side fo the inteo!ation. Shapio as-ed (e a few (oe
0.estionsCa&o.t Sydney's e,ita), the f)i!ht to Chi,a!o, the ,.t on (y hand, et,eteaC
then !ot to his feet. B ?e ha*e a )ot of wo- ahead of .s,B he said. BI &ette !et stated.B I
than-ed hi( and he )eft, and :adashian ,a))ed ?eitF(an to &ea- the news to hi(.
?eitF(an didn't ta-e it we)). He &e!an ,.sin! :adashian, who !ot tied of tyin! to
e/p)ain the sit.ation to hi( and si(p)y h.n! .p. Not s.pisin!)y, the pess fo.nd o.t that
?eitF(an was no )on!e epesentin! (e, and they e*en tied to .se that a!ainst (e,
s.!!estin! that ?eitF(an had p.))ed o.t
&e,a.se he had do.&ts a&o.t (y inno,en,e. I don't -now whethe he had do.&ts a&o.t
(y inno,en,e, &.t I do -now that ?eitF(an didn't p.)) o.tChe was p.shed. Afte his
,on*esation with ?eitF(an, :adashian ,a))ed a psy,hiatist he -new and as-ed if he
(i!ht pes,i&e a )itt)e so(ethin! to !et tho.!h the wa-e and f.nea). I spo-e to the
do,to on the phone. BIt's !oin! to !et *ey to.!h in the days ahead,B he said. BI'( !oin! to
pes,i&e so(ethin! that sho.)d -eep yo. fo( hittin! &otto(.B The pha(a,y de)i*eed
the st.ff a shot whi)e )ateCs)eepin! pi))s, anti;an/iety pi))s, anti;depessantsCand I
fo))owed the die,tions. It said the an/iety pi))s wo.)d -i,- in petty fast, &.t that the anti;
depessants wo.)dn't ta-e effe,t fo at )east a wee- o two. ?hen it was ti(e fo &ed,
:adashian wa)-ed (e to the oo( he'd set aside fo (e and wished (e a !ood ni!ht. BI'(
!)ad Shapio's on &oad,B he said. B5e too,B I said. I tho.!ht a&o.t that as I stipped and
!ot into &ed. I didn't e*en -now 6o& Shapio, and fo( the )oo-s of it (y )ife was in his
handsCI was in ,onto) of a&so).te)y nothin!. I had)y s)ept a!ain that ni!ht, e*en with the
pi))s. I -ept thin-in! of the -ids, and of Ni,o)e, and as I difted off I *a!.e)y e(e(&eed
ha*in! &een to)d a&o.t the wa-e, whi,h was s,hed.)ed fo the fo))owin! aftenoon. I was
so o.t of it that I a,t.a))y e(e(&e thin-in!, A wa-eA Fo who(A ?ho diedA In the
(onin!, I t.ned on the TE and it was the sa(e o)d s).t. The epotes wee sti)) hapin!
on this idea that Ni,o)e was
)ea*in! (e and tyin! to !et on with he )ife, and that I'd &een .na&)e to hand)e it. Thee
wee a)so those (is!.ided .(os a&o.t Howad ?eitF(an, and the ea) easons he had
e(o*ed hi(se)f fo( the ,ase. I e(e(&e thin-in! that the pess !ot e*eythin! won!. I
a)so e(e(&e thin-in! that they !ot e*eythin! won! ea))y, ea))y fast. In the (idd)e of
yet anothe epot, :adashian wa)-ed into the den and to)d (e that 7o. 6own was on
the )ine, ,a))in! fo( Dana +oint. I !ot on the phone and 7o. to)d (e that the fist *iewin!
was !oin! to &e in 7a!.na 6ea,h, at fo. that aftenoon. I to)d hi( that I didn't want an
open *iewin! fo anyone othe than the die,t fa(i)y. I said I didn't want to see a pi,t.e of
Ni,o)e in he ,as-et in so(e ta&)oid. I said I didn't want the -ids to ha*e to )i*e with an
i(a!e )i-e that fo the est of thei )i*es. BI want the( to e(e(&e he D.st as she was,B I
said. BO-ay,B 7o. said. In the aftenoon, a )i(o ai*ed to pi,- (e .p. :adashian went
with (e. The di*e too- o*e an ho., and I don't e(e(&e ta)-in! (.,h. I thin- I fe))
as)eep, to &e honest. The d.!s the shin- had !i*en (e wee petty powef.). I e(e(&e
wa-in! .p as we wee p.))in! into the (ot.ay pa-in! )ot. Thee wee doFens of peop)e
thee, and doFens of epotes, and I ,)i(&ed o.t of the )i(o and went stai!ht inside
witho.t e*en )oo-in! at anyone. A)) of (y -ids wee thee: 'ason, Ane))e, '.stin, and
Sydney. A) Cow)in!s was with the(. I saw '.dy and 7o., and we e/,han!ed a few wods,
and then I went o*e and too- a )oo- at Ni,o)e. She )oo-ed as white as a sheet. I )eaned
o*e and -issed he, and I ,o.)d hea Ane))e ,yin! D.st &ehind (e, and
a (o(ent )ate e*eyone -ind of sh.ff)ed o.t of the oo( and )eft (e thee with Ni,o)e. I
don't -now how )on! I was in thee. I e(e(&e D.st standin! thee, sha-in! (y head, sti))
ef.sin! to a,,ept he death, and then I head so(eone &ehind (e and t.ned ao.nd. It
was '.dy. She )oo-ed at (e and stated ,yin!, then as-ed (e, point &)an-, BO.'., did yo.
do thisAB I didn't e*en !et .pset, to &e honest. BNo,B I said. BI ,o.)d ne*e ha*e done this. I
)o*ed he too (.,h.B 5.,h )ate, '.dy went on nationa) te)e*ision and epeated this stoy,
&.t )on! afte that, d.in! the ,i*i) tia), she to)d the stoy &.t fai)ed to (ention (y denia).
At that point the attoneys p)ayed a tape of he te)e*ision appeaan,e. I !.ess peop)e
e(e(&e what they want to e(e(&e. Afte the *iewin!, we went to the 6owns fo a
)itt)e whi)eCI was in a ,o(p)ete fo!, and I on)y -now I was thee &e,a.se I was to)d I was
theeCthen I !ot &a,- into the )i(o fo the ide ho(e. I e(e(&e that pat: I ,ied a)) the
way. :adashian tied to ,o(fot (e, &.t he was petty &o-en .p hi(se)f. He didn't -now
what to say &e,a.se thee wasn't (.,h he ,o.)d say. 6y the ti(e we !ot &a,- to
:adashian's p)a,e, in En,ino, I was in tei&)e shape. Fo the fist ti(e in (y )ife, I tho.!ht
a&o.t -i))in! (yse)f. I fe)t soowf.) and an!y at the sa(e ti(e, and (ost of a)) I fe)t
hope)ess. I fe)t )i-e I had nothin! to )i*e fo. I fe)t )i-e (y )ife no )on!e (ade any sense. At
so(e point I fe)) as)eepCI was e/ha.sted and a)) ho))owed o.t and I too- a ,o.p)e of e/ta
s)eepin! pi))s and when I wo-e
.p the fo))owin! (onin!, !o!!y and disoiented, I fe)t (oe depessed than e*e. I went
downstais and fo.nd :adashian in the -it,hen, and I tied to e*i*e (yse)f with ,offee.
A.C. showed .p whi)e I was in the (idd)e of (y se,ond ,.p. He had &o.!ht a s.it fo (e
to wea to the f.nea). I went .pstais and it too- (e a *ey )on! ti(e to !et dessed. I
,o.)dn't see( to (a-e (y a(s wo-. They fe)t hea*y and soe, )i-e they wo.)d if yo.
o*edid it at the !y(. The f.nea) too- p)a,e at St. 5atin of To.s, a ,h.,h on the ,one
of S.nset and Sa)tai, in 6entwood. I ,o.)dn't ha*e (ade it tho.!h the se*i,e witho.t
A.C. and :adashian. :adashian )ed (e to so(e seats in the se,ond ow, &ehind the
6owns, and I e(e(&e that they t.ned to )oo- at (e. They ween't s(i)in!. 5y fo. -ids
Doined (e, and at that point I thin- Sydney was &e!innin! to .ndestand what had
happened. '.stin, on the othe hand, was ,o(p)ete)y o&)i*io.s. I noti,ed pi,t.es of Ni,o)e
and the ,hi)den estin! on the ,as-et. Then I )oo-ed &eyond the ,as-et. I saw a )itea)
wa)) of ,a(eas pointed in (y !enea) die,tion. I had no idea that the pess was !oin! to
&e a))owed inside, &.t I didn't ha*e the ene!y to ,o(p)ain. And who was I !oin! to
,o(p)ain to anywayA I ,o.)dn't fo))ow the se*i,e, to &e honest. At one point I tho.!ht it
was o*e, and I fo.nd (yse)f standin!, sha-in! a )ot of hands, than-in! peop)e, &.t then I
was sittin! a!ain, and I )oo-ed .p and saw that '.dy 6own was pepain! to de)i*e a
e.)o!y. I don't e(e(&e that, eithe, &.t I -now it was shot.
Afte the se*i,e, peop)e ,a(e .p to ta)- to (e, and to sha-e (y hand and h.! (e, and I
went tho.!h the (otions and nodded fo( ti(e to ti(e, tyin! not to fa)) apat. On,e
a!ain, I fe)t )i-e none of this was ea))y happenin!, that I was in the (idd)e of a hoi&)e,
.ni(a!ina&)e dea(, &.t when I stepped into the pa-in! )ot I -new it was no dea(.
Thee was an a(y of epotes a,oss the steet, and ha)f;a;doFen he)i,optes o*ehead,
and I ,o.)d hea so(e of the( sho.tin! (y na(e. BO.'., i!ht heeHB BO.'., ,an we as-
yo. a few 0.estionsAB BO.'., ,an we !et a shot of yo. with the -idsAB It too- a&o.t an ho.
to !et to the ,e(etey, in 5ission EieDo, and the pess fo))owed .s down. So did the
he)i,optes. Stan!e)y eno.!h, that's what I e(e(&e (ost ,)ea)y a&o.t the f.nea)C the
da(n he)i,optes, (a-in! a a,-et o*ehead, not !i*in! a shit a&o.t any of .s. I a)so
e(e(&e, *a!.e)y, sittin! tho.!h a shot se*i,e, and I *a!.e)y e(e(&e the piest, &.t
I ,an't e(e(&e a sin!)e spe,ifi, detai) a&o.t anythin! at a)). I !.ess those d.!s wee
wo-in! petty had. 7ate, so(e epote said that I stood &y the !a*e fo a )on! ti (e
afte the se*i,e, a)one, ta)-in! to Ni,o)e, and he s.!!ested that I was as-in! fo
fo!i*eness. I don't -now whee he !ot that idea. I didn't stand &y the !a*e fo (oe than
a ha)f a (in.te. I had (y -ids with (e, and they ne*e )eft (y side. That (.,h I do
e(e(&e. The ne/t thin! I e(e(&e was &ein! &a,- in the )i(o, on o. way to the
6owns, and it fe)t a)(ost )i-e a ti(e;,.t in a (o*ie;;;I wasn't s.e how I had !otten thee.
On the othe hand,
d.in! the di*e '.stin spotted a ?endy's ha(&.!e p)a,e, and anno.n,ed that he was
h.n!y. Sydney said she was h.n!y, too, so we p.))ed .p to the di*e;th. window and I
odeed food fo e*eyone. I e(e(&e )oo-in! at (y -ids, at thei s(i)in! fa,es, and at
the way they atta,-ed thei &.!es, and thin-in!, It's the )itt)e thin!s in )ife that -eep yo.
!oin!. An ho. )ate, I wasn't s.e if I ,o.)d -eep !oin!. O whethe I wanted to. I !ot &a,-
to En,ino )ate that ni!ht and t.ned on the news. Thee was foota!e of .s at the ,h.,h,
and (oe foota!e of .s at the ,e(etey, &.t I ,o.)dn't wat,h it witho.t ,yin!. I popped a
,o.p)e of pi))s and went to &ed. The fo))owin! (onin!, Fiday, I !ot o.t and too- a )ea-
and went i!ht &a,- to &ed. Thee was a e(ote ne/t to the &ed and I pi,-ed it .p and
t.ned on the TE. Thee was so(e -ind of a,tion (o*ie on, and I wat,hed fo a few
se,onds, &.t then I head a -no,- at the doo and -i))ed the pi,t.e. BCo(e in,B I said.
:adashian wa)-ed inside with Ro&et Shapio. ?e (ade a )itt)e s(a)) ta)-Cthey as-ed
(e how I'd s)ept and st.ffCand then they ,.t to the ,hase. BI head fo( the po)i,e this
(onin!,B Shapio said. B4eahAB BThey'*e iss.ed a waant fo yo. aest. 4o.'e
s.pposed to t.n yo.se)f in at e)e*en.B
I )oo-ed at the ,)o,- on the ni!ht ta&)e ne/t to the &ed. It was a)(ost ten. I had an ho..
BO-ay,B I said. BI')) showe and !et dessed.B Shapio then to)d (e that a ,o.p)e of do,tos
wee on thei way to the ho.se, to ,o))e,t &)ood and hai sa(p)es fo the po)i,e. I fe)t )i-e I
was in the (idd)e of an episode of a &ad TE (o*ie, on)y it wasn't a (o*ie. I D.st sh.!!ed.
I was too n.(& to say anythin!. :adashian &o-e the aw-wad si)en,e. BA.C . and +a.)a
ae downstais,B he said. BO-ay,B I said. BI')) !et eady.B Then Shapio spo-e a!ain. BO.'.,B
he said, Bit's D.st yo. and .s in this oo( at the (o(ent, and I don't -now dwe)) !et
anothe ,han,e )i-e this. I need to -now. Is thee anythin! yo. want to te)) .sAB BNo,B I
said. BI'*e to)d yo. e*eythin!. I'( not hidin! anythin!. 4o. -now e*eythin! I -now, and
e*eythin! I'*e to)d yo. is the t.th.B Shapio didn't )oo- ea) happy a&o.t (y esponse, &.t
he didn't p.sh. He to)d (e that the do,tos wo.)d &e thee any (in.te, and that he'd wait
fo (e downstais, and then he )eft the oo(. I )oo-ed o*e at :adashian. He s(i)ed a
sad s(i)e, and fo so(e ,aFy eason he stated ta)-in! a&o.t o. )on! fiendship, and
a&o.t a)) the !eat ti(es we'd shaed o*e the yeas. I didn't .ndestand what he was
tyin! to te)) (e. ?as he sayin! the !ood ti(es wee o*eA B4eah,B I said. B?e s.e had
so(e !ood o)d ti(es.B
He )oo-ed )i-e he was a&o.t to ,y. BI')) wait fo yo. downstais,B he said, then t.ned and
0.i,-)y )eft the oo(. 5.,h )ate, I head a ,aFy stoy a&o.t this in,ident. S.pposed)y, I
noti,ed a tape;e,ode on the ni!ht ta&)e ne/t to the &ed, and the (o(ent :adashian )eft
the oo( I pi,-ed it .p and stated ta)-in! a&o.t (y )ife. I ta)-ed a&o.t (y -ids, and a&o.t
how (.,h I )o*ed the(G I ta)-ed a&o.t Ni,o)e and a&o.t how (.,h she had (eant to (e
and a&o.t how (.,h I (issed he a)eadyG and I ta)-ed a&o.t the fa,t that I &e)ie*ed
(yse)f to &e a !ood peson, a (an who had a)ways tied to do i!ht &y othes. It was a
!ood stoy, &.t I don't -now whee it ,a(e fo(. I'( not sayin! it ,o.)dn't ha*e happened,
&.t I don't e(e(&e a tape;e,ode, and I don't e(e(&e e*iewin! (y )ife. Sti)), who
-nowsA At that point I was so d.!!ed .p I ,o.)d had)y find (y way into the showe. 6.t if
it did happen, and if so(eone has the tape, I'd )o*e to hea it so(e day. I e*ent.a))y fo.nd
(y way into the showe, and I e*ent.a))y !ot dessed. ?hen I !ot downstais, the p)a,e
was ,aw)in! with peop)e. +a.)a )oo-ed .p and stated ,yin! the (o(ent she saw (e.
A.C. was thee, too, and so was the psy,hiatist. He as-ed (e how I fe)t and I to)d hi( I
was fine, &.t I sho.)d ha*e to)d hi( the t.th: I fe)t hope)ess)y )ost. Then the do,tos
showed .p to ,o))e,t thei sa(p)es. One of the( was Heny 7ee and the othe was
5i,hae) 6aden. They had a n.se with the(, and I thin- I sat down and she too- so(e
&)ood. She too- a )ot of &)ood. I thin- she (.st ha*e fi))ed .p fo. o fi*e !)ass *ia)s.
?hen she was done, I said I needed a (o(ent, and I e/,.sed (yse)f and disappeaed
into the den. I ,a))ed '.dy 6own and to)d he that she needed to ta-e ,ae of the -ids ti))
this was eso)*ed, then I ,a))ed S-ip Taft, one of (y )awyes, and as-ed hi( to wo- o.t
the detai)s with the 6owns. ?hen we !ot off the phone, I fo.nd a )e!a) pad and wote a
)ette, in )on!;hand, that fi))ed fo. entie pa!es. I fo)ded the )ette and p.t it in an en*e)ope
and sea)ed the en*e)ope and wote a,oss the font: BTo ?ho( It 5ay Con,en.B I )eft the
oo( and !a*e it to :adashian and to)d hi( not to open it ti)) afte. BAfte whatAB he said.
B'.st afte,B I said. I didn't honest)y -now what I (eant (yse)f. B?hen the ti(e ,o(es,
yo.')) -now.B I'( not s.e what I (eant &y that, eithe, &.t it so.nded i!ht. The do,tos
wee sti)) theeCI thin- they sti)) wanted a hai sa(p)e o so(ethin!, and they wee
inteested in ta-in! anothe )oo- at the ,.t on (y handCso I !a*e the( what they
needed. Then Shapio said it was ti(e to !o. BI !a*e the ,ops (y wod that I'd ha*e yo. at
+a-e Cente at e)e*en, and it's a)eady afte e)e*en,B he said. BI don't !i*e a shit,B I said.
B ?hat ,an they do to (e nowAB I thin- Shapio went off to ,a)) the ,ops to te)) the( that
we wee .nnin! a )itt)e )ate, and that we'd &e thee shot)y. I went o*e and as-ed +a.)a
to p)ease )ea*e &efoe (e. I don't -now why, &.t I !.ess I tho.!ht that wo.)d (a-e it
easie on &oth of its. She'd he )ea*in! &e,a.se I had as-ed he to )ea*e, instead of
standin! thee, wat,hin! (e wa)- away fo( he )ife. I'( not s.e that (ade any sense,
eithe then o now, &.t at that point nothin! (ade (.,h sense. +a.)a didn't want to )ea*e,
&.t I as-ed he a!ain, and she fina))y e)ented and I as-ed A.C. to wa)- he o.t to he ,a. I
went &a,- to the !.est oo( and !ot (y &)a,- !ip. 5y 5a!n.( was inside, a)on! with
(y passpot, and a&o.t ten do))as in ,ash, and so(e pi,t.es of Ni,o)e and the -ids. I
)oo-ed at the pi,t.es and stated to ,y, &.t thee was a -no,- at the doo and I died (y
teas and tied to p.)) (yse)f to!ethe. BCo(e in,B I said. :adashian wa)-ed in. BHow yo.
ho)din! .pAB he as-ed (e. BO-ay,B I said. BShapio's waitin! downstais,B he said. BI
-now,B I said. BTa-e yo. ti(e,B he said, &.t he didn't ea))y (ean it. He )eft the oo(. A
few (in.tes )ate, sti)) ,ayin! (y !ip, I went downstais and saw A.C. standin! in the
foye, nea the font doo. I !.ess e*eyone e)se was in the den o so(ethin!, wat,hin!
the news. B7et's !et o.t of hee,B I said. B ?hat do yo. (eanAB He said. B7et's D.st !o,B I
said. I wa)-ed o.t the font doo and he fo))owed (e, and we ,)i(&ed into his 6on,o and
p.))ed o.t. He didn't say anythin!. He was (y fiend. He wo.)d do anythin! fo (e, and I
wo.)d ha*e done anythin! fo hi(.
B7et's !o &y the ho.se,B I said. B?hat ho.seAB he said. BNi,o)e's ho.se,B I said. He didn't
as- why. He !ot onto the =$2 Feeway and headed noth. ?e !ot off at S.nset, and
wo-ed o. way towad 6.ndy, &.t as we !ot ,)ose we saw that (ost of the steet was
&)o,-ed off, and that the p)a,e was ,aw)in! with ,ops. I to)d hi( to fo!et it and as-ed hi(
to ta-e (e to the ,e(etey, and he )oo-ed at (e, wondein! why. BI was so
o*e(edi,ated that I don't e(e(&e a thin!,B I said. BI want to see the !a*e &efoe they
)o,- (e .p. I (ay ne*e !et anothe ,han,e to see it.B ?e do*e so.th to 5ission EieDo,
with (e in the &a,- seat, whee I ,o.)d )ie down and ,)ose (y eyes. ?e didn't ta)-. Ea,h
of .s was a)one with his tho.!hts. I fo.nd (yse)f thin-in! &a,- to what Ni,o)e had to)d (e
that ni!ht in 7a!.na, i!ht afte 5othe's Day, when it was ,)ea that we ween't !oin! to
&e a&)e to sa*e o. (aia!e. B 5ay&e we tied to !et &a,- to!ethe too soon,B she had
said. She )oo-ed in,edi&)y sad. '.st e(e(&ein! the )oo- on he fa,e (ade (e fee) )i-e
,yin!. I a)so e(e(&eed di*in! &a,- to 7os An!e)es that ni!ht, and the two of .s p.ttin!
the -ids to &ed. And I e(e(&eed the way she as-ed (e to (a-e )o*e to he. It was the
)ast ti(e we (ade )o*e, and D.st thin-in! a&o.t it was a&so).te)y de*astatin!. I had ea))y
)o*ed that !i). ?hy hadn't we &een a&)e to (a-e it wo-A ?hat had we done won!A How
do othe peop)e do itA As we !ot dose to the ,e(etey, A.C. ,a))ed (y na(e and I opened
(y eyes. Thee wee ,ops e*eywhee. He do*e (o.nd to
the fa side to see if thee was anothe way in, &.t thee wee ,ops thee, too. BThey'e
)oo-in! fo yo.,B he said. I ea,hed a,oss the font seat and t.ned on the adio, and it
t.ned o.t he was i!ht. I head (yse)f des,i&ed as Ba f.!iti*e.B A.C. do*e anothe ha)f;
(i)e o so and p.))ed into an oan!e !o*e, whee no one ,o.)d spot .s, not e*en fo( the
s-y. He !ot o.t to ta-e a )ea-, and the (o(ent he )eft the 6on,o I ea,hed fo (y !ip. I
.nFipped it and p.))ed o.t the 5a!n.(. I was in te(endo.s pain, and I saw nothin! &.t
(oe pain ahead of (e, and I de,ided to end it. I ea)iFed, I ,an (a-e this stop. One shot
to the f)i,-in! head and it's o*e. Stan!e)y eno.!h, at that *ey (o(ent 6o& :adashian
was on nationa) te)e*ision te))in! the wo)d a&o.t (y pain. ?hen it appeaed that I wasn't
!oin! to t.n (yse)f in, he had opened the fo.;pa!e note I'd witten ea)ie that day, and
,o.)dn't &e)ie*e what he was eadin!. I had as-ed hi( to not open it ti)) afte, and I !.ess
he tho.!ht the ti(e had ,o(e. If I hadn't -i))ed (yse)f yet, I was po&a&)y a&o.t to. I'( not
!oin! to )ie to yo.. I had &een thin-in! a&o.t -i))in! (yse)f. The fist ti(e it ,ossed (y
(ind was afte (y &ief ,on*esation with Sydney and '.stin, at :adashian's ho.se,
when I tied to &ea- the hoi&)e news a&o.t Ni,o)e. B ?e -now,B Sydney had said, ,.ttin!
(e off. BShe's in hea*en.B That D.st a&o.t destoyed (e. The pain was .n&eaa&)e. 6.t I
-ept !oin!.
6.t that (onin! the pain was &a,-Cand it was wose than e*e. And sin,e I did not
&e)ie*e I was !oin! to s.*i*e it, I had ta-en the ti(e to sit down and shae so(e fina)
tho.!hts. :adashian was then in the po,ess of shain! those tho.!hts with the wo)d:
To who( it (ay ,on,en: Fist, e*eyone .ndestand I ha*e nothin! to do with Ni,o)e's
(.de. I )o*ed he, a)ways ha*e and a)ways wi)). If we had a po&)e(, it's &e,a.se I )o*ed
he so (.,h. Re,ent)y, we ,a(e to the .ndestandin! that fo now we wee not i!ht fo
ea,h othe, at )east fo now. Despite o. )o*e we wee diffeent, and that's why we
(.t.a))y a!eed to !o o. sepaate ways. It was to.!h sp)ittin! fo a se,ond ti(e, &.t we
&oth -new it was fo the &est. Inside I had no do.&t that in the f.t.e we wo.)d &e ,)ose as
fiends o (oe. Un)i-e what has &een witten in the pess, Ni,o)e and I had a !eat
e)ationship fo (ost of o. )i*es to!ethe. 7i-e a)) )on!;te( e)ationships, we had a few
downs and .ps. I too- the heat New 4ea's 18<8 &e,a.se that's what I was s.pposed to
do. I did not p)ead no ,ontest fo any othe eason &.t to pote,t o. pi*a,y and was
ad*ised it wo.)d end the pess hype. I don't want to &e)a&o -no,-in! the pess, &.t I ,an't
&e)ie*e what is &ein! said. 5ost of it is totaHHy (ade .p. I -now yo. ha*e a Do& to do, h.t
as a Hast wish, p)ease , p)ease ,
p)ease, )ea*e (y ,hi)den in pea,e. Thei )i*es wi)) &e to.!h eno.!h. I want to send (y
)o*e and than-s to a)) (y fiends. I'( soy I ,an't na(e e*ey one of yo., espe,ia))y A.C.,
(an, than-s fo &ein! in (y )ife. The s.ppot and fiendship I e,ei*ed fo( so (any:
?ayne H.!hes, 7ewis 5a-es, Fan- O)son, 5a- +a,-e, 6ende, 6o&&y :adashian. I
wish we had spent (oe ti(e to!ethe in e,ent yeas. 5y !o)fin! &.ddies, Hoss, A)an
A.stin, 5i-e, Cai!, 6ende, ?y)e, Sandy, 'ay, Donnie, than-s fo the f.n. A)) (y
tea((ates o*e the yeas, Re!!ie, yo. wee the so.) of (y po ,aee. Ah(ad, I ne*e
stopped &ein! po.d of yo.. 5a,.s, yo.'*e !ot a !eat )ady in Catheine, don't (ess it
.p. 6o&&y Chand)e, than-s fo a)ways &ein! thee. S-ip and :athy, I )o*e yo. !.ys,
witho.t yo. I ne*e wo.)d ha*e (ade it tho.!h this fa. 5a!.eite, than-s fo the ea)y
yeas. ?e had so(e f.n. +a.)a, what ,an I sayA 4o. ae spe,ia). I'( soy we'e not
!oin! to ha*e o. ,han,e. >od &o.!ht yo. to (e I now see. As I )ea*e, yo.')) &e in (y
tho.!hts. I thin- of (y )ife and fee) I'*e done (ost of the i!ht thin!s. ?hat the o.t,o(e,
peop)e wi)) )oo- and point. I ,an't ta-e that. I ,an't s.&De,t (y ,hi)den to that. This way
they ,an (o*e on and !o on with thei )i*es. +)ease, if I'*e done anythin! wothwhi)e in (y
)ife, )et (y -ids )i*e in pea,e fo( yo. LpessM.
I'*e had a !ood )ife. I'( po.d of how I )i*ed. 5y (a(a ta.!ht (e to do .nto othes. I
teated peop)e the way I wanted to &e teated. I'*e a)ways tied to &e .p and he)pf.) so
why is this happenin!A I'( soy fo the >o)d(an fa(i)y. I -now how (.,h it h.ts. Ni,o)e
and I had a !ood )ife to!ethe. A)) this pess ta)- a&o.t a o,-y e)ationship was no (oe
than what e*ey )on!te( e)ationship e/peien,es. A)) he fiends wi)) ,onfi( that I ha*e
&een tota))y )o*in! and .ndestandin! of what she's &een !oin! tho.!h. At ti(es I ha*e
fe)t )i-e a &atteed h.s&and o &oyfiend &.t I )o*ed he, (a-e that ,)ea to e*eyone. And I
wo.)d ta-e whate*e it too- to (a-e it wo-. Don't fee) soy fo (e. I'*e had a !eat )ife,
!eat fiends. +)ease thin- of the ea) O.'. and not this )ost peson. Than-s fo (a-in! (y
)ife spe,ia). I hope I he)ped yo.s. +ea,e and )o*e, O.'.
I had (eant what I'd witten. I'd had a wondef.) )ife, &.t it was o*e now. It was ti(e to
,he,- o.t. I )oo-ed at the 5a!n.( in (y )ap and ,he,-ed to (a-e s.e it was )oaded. It
was. And D.st then I head Dan Rathe's *oi,e on the adio: B?e ha*e now )eaned that
the po)i,e ha*e &een to 5. Si(pson's ho.se si/ o se*en ti(es on do(esti, a&.se ,a))s.B
And I D.st !odda(n snapped: B?hat the f.,- (othef.,-eHB And that's when A.C. !ot
&a,- to t.,-, sti)) Fippin! .p his f)y, and saw the 5a!n.( in (y hand. And I !.ess he
snapped, tooCtho.!h fo diffeent easons. B5an, p.t that f.,-in! !.n downHB he sho.ted
B?hat the f.,- do yo. thin- yo.'e doin! with that thin!AB 6.t I wasn't )istenin! to hi(. I
was )istenin! to (oe of Dan Rathe's &.))shit: B?e'e now )eanin! that 5. Si(pson has a
)on! histoy with the 7os An!e)es +o)i,e Depat(ent,B yada yada yada. And I'( sho.tin!
at the adio, B4o. ain't )eaned shit, (othef.,-eHB I a)(ost p.t a &.))et tho.!h the adio.
B?hat the f.,- is !oin! onAHB A.C. said, a)so ho))ein!. BNothin!HB I said. BTa-e (e the f.,-
ho(eH That ,han!es e*eythin!. I'( not !oin! to )isten to any (oe of this &.))shitHB And
A.C. !ot &ehind the whee) and p.))ed o.t, with (e sti)) f.(in! and *entin!. B?ho the f.,-
do these peop)e thin- they aeAH They'e s.pposed to &e epotes. They hea one )ie and
if it's a )ie they )i-e they !odda(n shae it with the wo)d. ?e)), I'( si,- to death of itHB I
wasn't thin-in! of -i))in! (yse)f any(oe. Depession had !i*en way to a!e. And we
p.))ed o.t of the oan!e !o*e, headin! &a,- towad the feeway, and he pi,-ed .p his
,e)) phone and dia)ed 811. BThis
is A) Cow)in!s,B he said. BI'*e !ot O.'. Si(pson with (e, and I'( &in!in! hi( in.B And
wo.)dn't yo. -now itC(.st ha*e &een so(e -ind of ,op >+SCthe po)i,e wee on o. tai)
in (in.tes. The ,e(etey wasn't two (i)es &ehind .s and they wee a)eady ,aw)in! .p
o. asses. And A.C. said, B5ay&e we sho.)d p.)) o*e.B And I said, BNo f.,-in! wayH 4o.
to)d the( yo. wee &in!in! (e in, so &in! (e in a)eady. Ta-e (e &a,- to (y ho.se.B I
was fee)in! an!y. Defiant. The a!e was f.e)in! (e. I was eady to ta-e on the wo)d.
Thee wee (oe ,ops now, sti)) fo))owin!, and I )eaned ,)ose to the window and )oo-ed .p
into the s-y. I thin- I ,o.nted ha)f;adoFen ,hoppes. ?hen we wee sti)) a few (i)es fo(
6entwood, on the =$2 Feeway, headin! noth, it see(ed as if the who)e wo)d had
t.ned o.t to wat,h. +eop)e wee han!in! off o*epasses, ,heein!, ho)din! .p si!ns. >O
'UICEH I e(e(&e thin-in!, ?hen did they ha*e ti(e to (a-e those si!nsA 6y that point,
thee wee (ay&e a doFen s0.ad ,as with .s, &ehind the 6on,o, .p ahead of .s, on
eithe side. A.C. didn't )i-e it, and he s)owed to a ,aw). BO.'.,B he said. BI'( p.))in! o*e.B
BNo yo.'e not,B I said. B4o.'e ta-in! (e ho(e.B I p.t the 5a!n.( to (y head, so the
,ops ,o.)d see it, and A.C. a!ain .sed his ,e)) phone to ,a)) the ,ops. B6a,- the f.,- off,B
he said. BCan't yo. see the (an's !onna -i)) hi(se)fAB
The who)e thin! too- )ess than an ho.. 6y then we wee di*in! past the ?i)shie off;
a(p, and A.C. too- the S.nset e/it. If the ,ops had any do.&ts a&o.t whee we wee
!oin!, they -new now: O.'. Si(pson was headin! ho(e. Fo a (o(ent, ,.isin! those
fa(i)ia steets, I s.dden)y fe)t ,.shin!)y depessed a!ain. A (an spends his who)e )ife
tyin! to fi!.e o.t what it a)) (eans, tyin! to (a-e so(e sense of this &.siness of )i*in!,
and in the end he doesn't .ndestand shit. I (issed Ni,o)e. I was woied a&o.t the -ids.
Thee was a !odda(n &atta)ion waitin! fo .s at Ro,-in!ha(, and &efoe A.C. had e*en
-i))ed the en!ine the ,ops had petty (.,h s.o.nded .s. I was pissed off a!ain. ?hat
the f.,- did they thin- I was !oin! to doA Shoot it o.tA I dia)ed 811. B4o. te)) those
(othef.,-es to &a,- offH B I said. The opeato pat,hed (e tho.!h to so(eone at the
s,ene, and I ho))eed at hi( fo a whi)e, &.t I ,o.)dn't see who I was ta)-in! to, and I'( not
s.e what I was tyin! to say. Then I saw a snipe on the oof of a nei!h&o's ho.se, and I
swea to >odCI a)(ost )ost it. The sons of &it,hes. ?hat wee they p)annin! on doin!A
Ta-in! (e o.t when I stepped o.t of the 6on,oA I showed the( the 5a!n.( a!ain, and I
,o.)d see the ,ops tensin! .p, &a,-in! off. B+.t that f.,-in! !.n down,B A.C. said. B4o.
want to dieAB BI don't -now,B I said. B5ay&e.B
And I didn't -now, to &e honest. I was depessed. Then I was an!y. Then I was a
depessed a!ain. The shin- had to)d (e that the pi))s wee !oin! to -eep (e fo( hittin!
&otto(, &.t this fe)t awf.) ,)ose to &otto(. And if &otto( was wose than this, I didn't want
to -now a&o.t it. A (o(ent )ate, I fe)t the teas ,o(in!. B?e sho.)d ha*e tied hade,B I
said. B?hat's thatAB BNi,o)e and (e,B I said. BI sho.)d ha*e tied hade. E*en when I
tho.!ht I didn't )o*e he, I )o*ed he. It's D.st thee wee ti(es I fo!ot.B A.C. didn't say
anythin!, &.t I wasn't e*en )oo-in! at hi(. I was thin-in! a&o.t a)) those yeas with Ni,o)e,
(ost of the( so !ood I wasn't s.e I dese*ed the(, and I was thin-in! a&o.t the way
we'd !one and f.,-ed e*eythin! .p. 7i-e I said ea)ie, this is a )o*e stoy, and )i-e a )ot of
)o*e stoies it doesn't ha*e a happy endin!. I !ot o.t of the 6on,o and the ,ops (o*ed in.
They !a*e (e a few (in.tes in the ho.se, a ,han,e to feshen .p, then too- (e
downtown, to +a-e Cente. They &oo-ed (e and too- (y pints and had (e pose fo a
(.!;shot. The f)ash &)inded (e, and I ,)osed (y eyes fo a few se,onds. Ni,o)e had
witten:
I want to &e with yo.H I want to )o*e yo. and ,heish yo., and (a-e yo. s(i)e. I want to
wa-e .p with yo. in the
(onin!s and ho)d yo. at ni!ht. I want to h.! and -iss yo. e*eyday. I want .s to &e the
way we .sed to &e. Thee was no ,o.p)e )i-e .s.
And I'( thin-in!: 4o. wee s.e i!ht a&o.t that, Ni,. Thee was no ,o.p)e )i-e .s.