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[
CREST
J
X2841$1.75
ISAAC
ASIMOV
^^
100 original limericks
^^
by the bestselling author of
THE SENS^QUS DIRTY OLD MAN
BoldlyWustrated
A TASTE OF LECHEROUS LIMERICKS
How bitter was Joseph's existence
When he found that his girl friend's insistence
Meant that he'd have to wed her
Before he could bed her
She was simply a piece de resistance.
There was a young woman named Susan
Who found it completely amusin
9
To make love to three men
Although who did what when
Was frequently rather confusin'.
A woman who lived in St. Paul
Had breasts undeniably small
Her husband growled, "Dear,
Why not burn your brassiere?
It's
fulfilling
no function at all."
Fawcctt Crest and Premier Books
by Isaac Asimov:
THE EARLY ASIMOV, Book One
THE EARLY ASIMOV, Book Two
PEBBLE IN THE SKY
THE STARS, LIKE DUST
THE CURRENTS OF SPACE
THE CAVES OF STEEL
THE END OF ETERNITY
THE MARTIAN WAY
THE NAKED SUN
EARTH IS ROOM ENOUGH
NINE TOMORROWS
NIGHTFALL
THE GODS THEMSELVES
THE BEST OF ISAAC ASIMOV
LECHEROUS LIMERICKS
REALM OF ALGEBRA
REALM OF NUMBERS
And these anthologies
edited by Isaac Asimov:
THE HUGO WINNERS, Volume I
STORIES FROM THE HUGO WINNERS, Volume II
MORE STORIES FROM THE HUGO WINNERS, Volume III
WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE?
BEFORE THE GOLDEN AGE, Book 1
BEFORE THE GOLDEN AGE, Book 2
BEFORE THE GOLDEN AGE, Book 3
X/echerous
Xyimericks
by Isaac Asimov
With Illustrations by Mort Gerberg
A FAWCETT CREST BOOK
Fawcett
Publications, Inc., Greenwich, Connecticut
LECHEROUS LIMERICKS
THIS BOOK CONTAINS THE COMPLETE TEXT OF THE
ORIGINAL HARDCOVER EDITION.
A Fawcett Crest Book reprinted by arrangement with
Walker Publishing Company, Inc.
Copyright
1975 by Isaac Asimov
All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or
portions thereof in any form.
Library of Congress Catalog Card Number: 75-7922
Printed in the United States of America
First printing: May 1976
123456789 10
r
o my wife
the doctor
NTRODUCTION
The limerick is a stylized verse form and is as me-
ticulously structured as the sonnet. Consider the limi-
tations as far as the form alone is concerned:
1. It must consist of five lines: no more, no less,
2. The rhyme scheme must be a, a, b, b, a. That is,
the first, second, and fifth lines must rhyme. The third
and fourth lines must rhyme also, but they must have
a different rhyme from that of the first, second, and
fifth lines.
3. The first, second, and fifth lines must consist of
three feet each; that is, each must contain three
stressed syllables. The third and fourth lines must con-
sist of two. This means there must be thirteen feet to
the limerickno more, no lessdistributed among
the lines exactly as I have indicated.
4. The typical foot of the limerick is an anapest.
That is, it consists of two unstressed syllables followed
by a stressed one: dih-dih-DAH. All thirteen feet of
the limerick can be anapests, but it is quite usual for
(6)
one or two of the initial feet in the lines to be iambic;
that is, to consist of one unstressed syllable followed
by a stressed one: dih-DAH.
5. The rhyme may be masculine, involving a single
syllable such as "main" and "plain"; or it may be fem-
inine, using two or even three syllables, such as "mea-
sure" and "treasure" or "healthier" and "wealthier."
Therefore, the last foot in a line may be dih-dih-DAH,
dih-dih-DAH-dih, or even dih-dih-DAH-dih-dih. The
two different sets of rhymes in the limerick can be ei-
ther both masculine, both feminine, or one masculine
and one feminine.
With all this in mind, here is the rhythm of a typical
limerick:
dih-DAH dih-dih-DAH dih-dih-DAH-dih
dih-dih-DAH dih-dih-DAH dih-dih-DAH-dih
dih-DAH dih-dih-DAH
dih-dih-DAH dih-dih-DAH
dih-dih-DAH dih-dih-DAH dih-dih-DAH-dih
If you want to see what this rhythm is in words,
here is a limerick (not mine, alas) containing the pre-
cise rhythm given above:
(7)
A honeymoon couple named Kelly
Spent their honeymoon belly to belly,
Because in their haste,
They used library paste
In the place
of
petroleum jelly.
(8)
It is conventional to indent the third and fourth
lines, both because they are shorter than the other
three and because it is convenient to emphasize that
there is a change in rhyme for those two.
What is just as important as the metrical rigidity of
the limerick is the nature of its content,
1. The limerick must represent a complete story,
with a beginning, a middle, and an end. This, in itself,
is a neat trick considering that the longest legitimate
limerick can only have forty-nine syllables and that it
can be as short as thirty-four syllables. The limerick I
have quoted above tells the tale of the appalling mis-
fortune that overcame two young lovers and does it
completely in forty syllables.
2. The limerick must be humorous; that is, if it is
to be a real limerick, and not merely a set of lines that
just happen to have the limerick form. For instance, in
The Yeoman
of
the Guard, W. S. Gilbert includes a
song that begins as follows:
A man who would woo a fair
maid
Should 'prentice himself to the trade.
He should study all day
In methodical way
How to flatter, cajole, and persuade.
As far as rhyme and meter are concerned, this is a
perfect limerickbut only as far as those are con-
cerned.
It is neither complete nor funny; nor, to do
Gilbert justice, was it intended to be, in itself, either
complete or funny.
(9)
3. At least part of the humor should be expressed
by the cleverness or unexpectedness of the rhymes.
Here, for instance, is a limerick that I recently made
up for the Gilbert and Sullivan Society of New York
(of which I am a member)
:
A certain unmusical Persian
Had a curious sort
of
perversion.
He thought that the part
That was words was by Art
And was sure that the tunes were Gilbertian.
This is an "in" limerick and not for general con-
sumption, because only the Gilbert and Sullivan fa-
natics would know at once that "Art" was Sir Arthur
Sullivan; and that to think that the libretto of the great
operettas was by Sullivan and the music by Gilbert
was the ultimate in perversion of all that is holy and
proper.
Yet even a profound Gilbert-and-Sullivanian, hear-
ing the initial rhymes of "Persian" and "perversion"
would not be likely to guess that I was holding "Gil-
bertian" in reserve.
Naturally, rhymes of this sort cannot be used in
serious poetry because they elicit laughter in them-
selves and can therefore only be used in comic verse.
It follows from this that the limerick is not, and is
never intended to be, serious poetry. In fact, so firmly
has the limerick established itself as comic verse, that
any poet attempting to write serious poetry in the lim-
erick meter, even if he used only the most somber of
rhymes, or no rhymes at all, would find it difficult to
(10)
be taken seriously. The dih-dih-DAH, dih-dih-DAH
of the limerick has swallowed up gravity completely.
4. The humor should be vulgar and should deal
with actions and words concerning which society pre-
tends nonexistencereproduction, excretion, and so
on. This is not an absolute requirement and you can,
indeed, have "clean" limericks. My limerick about the
unmusical Persian is an example. Clean limericks,
however, lack flavor, like vanilla ice cream or pound
cake. They are perfectly edible, but, to my taste, are
tame, flat, and unsatisfying.
The "vulgar" limerick (usually called the "dirty"
limerick) has its value because to the humor of rhyme
and the challenge of metrical rigidity it adds the relief
of release. You can relax, for the space of some two
score syllables, the bonds of social decorum that hold
you in thrall most of the time. The sad tale of the hon-
eymoon couple named Kelly is an example of com-
pletely successful vulgarity.
5. Many limericks end the first line with a proper
noun, of either a person or a place. Such proper nouns
come in all kinds of sound patterns and give you a
starting platform. You then need to find only two
rhymes to it. If the proper noun is difficult to rhyme,
the limerick becomes an exercise in ingeniuty. Here,
for instance, is a limerick {not my own) that goes:
A woman who lived on Antigua
Once said to her mate, "What a pig you are!"
He answered, "My queen,
Is it manner you mean?
Or do you refer to my figure?"
(11)
As written, the rhymes don't look very good. When
recited, however, the words can be slurred in such a
way that they become excellentand hilariously un-
expected. This makes the limerick satisfactory, for,
ideally, the limerick should be recited, and the written
form is merely a guide to minimize forgetfulness.
Sometimes, the directions for the spoken version are
made explicit in the written version as when the last
words of lines two and five in the limerick above are
written "pigua" and "figua."
This sort of misspelling is permissible, but it should
be used very parsimoniously. It can be insulting to the
reader, and it can degenerate into a cheap snatch at
orthographic humor.
6. Many limericks start off: 'There was a young
woman of
" and
the end of the first line need not be a proper noun. Let
the other requirements be fulfilled, and these first line
failures are forgiven and, indeed, are not even no-
ticed.
As I said earlier, limericks should be recited. Well
recited, they are funnier than they can possibly be in
cold printbut there are precautions you must take.
1. For heaven's sake, don't recite a limerick unless
you are sure you are syllable perfect. If you forget and
stop, all value is lost. If you forget and improvise and
come out with a syllable too few or too many, the ef-
fect is greatly weakened.
2. In reciting the limerick, emphasize the rhythm
and rhyme just a little bit. You're not supposed to do
this in reading serious poetry, but a limerick isn't
serious poetry. By proper emphasis you get across the
humorous aspects of the limerick more efficiently. It
helps in this respect if each line ends at a natural
pause, if the words do not "run on" without a natural
pause from one line to the next.
3. I have my own private feeling that a limerick
should be occasionally sung, if you have the voice for
it. Limericks are an Anglo-American tradition, and so
are comic songs, and why not combine the two? My
own favorite tune for limericks is the one to which the
Gilbertian "A man who would woo a fair maid" is
sung (may the shade of Sullivan forgive me!). If you
don't know the tune, any Gilbert and Sullivan addict
will teach it to you.
(13)
4. If you do sing a limerick, don't sing too many of
them, for the tune will pall. Indeed, don't recite too
many of them at one time, for the whole thing will
pall. The most effective limerick is almost always the
one you recite first. The funniest limerick in the world
will get no more than a snicker if it comes fifth.
I mentioned, earlier, the limerick as an Anglo-
American tradition. I have no doubt that limericks
can be written in almost any language, but I have the
feeling that no language other than English can create
the limerick as easily, as numerously, or as humorous-
iy.
The fact that the form and meter are so rigid means
that the story you want to tell must be shuffled a bit,
adjusted, molded, shaped. A syllable must be added
here and dropped there. The result is that you must be
ready at all times with a set of synonyms and substi-
tute phrases.
As it happens, English has the largest vocabulary of
any language. It is strongly idiomatic and has an al-
most anarchically loose spelling and grammar. All
this means that English is precisely the kind of triple-
jointed language you need for endless adjustment until,
finally, it folds up neady into the five-line, two-rhyme
limerick.
Finally, where do / come into all this?
Well, I am a limericist. There's no such word, as far
as I know. I have coined it myself, and it means, as is
obvious,
"one who writes limericks." I've been doing
it for many years, but recently it fell into my head to
(14)
start writing them down and finally (when I had made
up enough of them) to have a collection of them pub-
lished.
As far as I know there has been no collection of lim-
ericks by a single author (other than those of Edward
Lear, who started the craze) ever published. In fact,
most successful limericks are of disputed or even
anonymous authorship. Let me be the first then to pro-
duce a sizable book of completely original limericks
(barring always accidental or subconscious duplica-
tions in part).
The limericks included in this book, let me say at
once, are vulgar, and almost all of them are concerned
with sex. If you are going to be offended by "dirty"
limericks, please put the book downit
is not my
wish to offend you.
However, there is vulgar and vulgar. A limerick
can be merely vulgar without being clever. It can
reach for shock value only, be more unpleasant than it
has to be, repellent or even nauseating.
I have tried never to overstep the bounds I have set
myself. If my limericks are vulgar, they are light-
hearted and never more vulgar than they have to be.
Most of all, I earnestly trust that each limerick is more
clever and witty than it is vulgar, and that is what
counts. I can't hope to please each reader with each
and every limerick, but my gamble is that almost
every reader will find at least a large portion of the
limericks amusing. I'll settle for that.
I have taken the liberty, by the way, of adding titles
to each limerick. This is not commonly done, but why
not? It would be a way of identifying the individual
(15)
ones, and, with luck, it may even add to the humor. I
have also added footnotes where necessary, to explain
a usage, point out a flaw, or give an account of origin.
One last plea
An utter disaster
Or bedded, or chaired,
Or top
of
the staired
in stages.
(130)
I was nearly trapped with what one might call
an identity rhyme in this one. The third and
fourth lines, as I originally composed them, read:
"out of self-preservation
/
To avoid depriva-
tion." Although "self-preservation" and "depriva-
tion" are quite different words, using both, suc-
ceeds in rhyming "vation and "vation" and this
can't be done. Fortunately, I caught it in time.
(131)
63
lLL is not lost
Annabelle turned beet-red in the face
At having been raped. Such disgrace!
Yet although it was terrible
It was not quite unbearable.
She had taken her pill just in case.
(132)
For some reason I am reminded of the movie
in which James Coburn takes advantage of a
young woman in a barn. Her father pursues him,
catches up, and when Coburn denied wrongdo-
ing, the father demanded to know what he called
what had happened, Coburn thought a while then
said, with a shy smile, "Assault with a friendly
weapon?"
(133)
64
HE ECONOMIC FACTS
An industrious young obstetrician
Conceived his financial position
To depend upon beauty
And husbandly duty
Plus determined and endless coition.
(134)
_
The mere use of the word "coition" reminds
me of the sad fact that there are hundreds of
great limericks that I can never possibly think up
for the reason that they are already thought up.
Thus, no limerick using "coition" can ever sur-
pass that great classic (which is, alas, not mine)
:
Once Titian, while mixing rose madder,
Spied his model on top
of
the ladder.
Her position, to Titian,
Suggested coition,
So he climbed up the ladder and had
9
er.
Break, break, my heart!
(135)
65
WOMAN'S PREROGATIVE
A virtuous maiden named Nora
Viewed sexual sinning with horror.
But a bit
of
love play
Was indulged in today
And who knows what she'll think by tomorrow.
(136)
The triple rhyme is much better when recited
than when written, but by now you should be
aware of such things. The rising tide of women's
liberation, by the way, is pushing aside those little
privileges men were wont to shower on women to
make up for the latter's economic and social slav-
ery. Ill bet some of you don't even know what
"woman's prerogative" is. Well, it's the privilege
of changing her mind at whim.
(137)
66
TVoT FOILED!
There was a young man
of
Belgrade
Who planned to seduce a fair maid.
And as it befell
He succeeded quite well
So the maid, like the plan, was deep-laid.
(138)
You know it isn't always good to punctuate a
limerick according to the strict tenets of the En-
glish teacher. In the last line, marking off the par-
enthetical remark 'like the plan" with commas is
perfect, for it breaks the line up into the three an-
apestic feet and precisely fits the limerick sing-
song. In the third line, however, marking off the
parenthetical phrase "as it befell" is not such a
good idea, for you don't want a break between
"and" and "as." So though I put in the comma
after "and" automatically, I then took it out, de-
liberately. (Belgrade is the capital of Yugoslavia.)
(139)
67
RETIREMENT!
There was an old man
of
Belfast
Whose active sex
life
was so vast
He was glad he'd worked through
To a spry ninety-two
When his lust was declining at last.
(140)
Actually, there are reports that an active sex
life can indeed continue into advanced old age. If
I am given the opportunity, I shall check it out as
a matter of scientific curiosity. I already know
that it continues into advanced youth (which is
all I'll admit to). Do I need to say that Belfast is
the capital of Northern Ireland?
(141)
68
No, IT WON'T
Those men who are born under Taurus
Are attracted to girls
of
the chorus.
They go on to excursions
In varied perversions
"Age can-
not wither, nor custom stale / Her infinite vari-
ety."
(145)
70
Well, HARDLY EVER
There was an old maid
of
Peru
Who swore that she never would screw
Except under stress
Of forceful
duress
Like, "Ym ready, dear, how about you?
9
(146)
I hesitated here for I thought that the first line
might be "There was a coed of Purdue." But no;
the whole thing seems to fit the old maid better,
doesn't it? I get best results by reading the first
four lines grimly and heavily (especially the third
and fourth) and then becoming suddenly bouncy
with the fifth.
(147)
71
Male chauvinist pig
Turning down the desires
of
Marie,
John explained, "It's unfair, don't you see?
For
all I can do
Is to keep screwing you
While you'd screw none other than me."
(148)
I'm not renowned for the length and depth of
my sleep. In fact, if I get five hours on any given
night, that's plenty, and I don't always make it.
Periods of wakefulness are good times for com-
posing limericks, and when this one came at
about 3 a.m. one night, I laughed out loud and
woke my wife the doctor.
She said, blearily, "What's the matter?" I said,
"Listen," quite ready to explain what was the
matter, "How does this strike you?" and recited
the limerick. She didn't laugh at all. She just said,
quite distinctly, "Male chauvinist pig!" turned
around and went back to sleep. Well, she gave me
the title.
(149)
72
OO GOOD TO USE
A finicky man from Australia
With the ladies was largely a failure.
He said, "Sex may be fun
But in the long run
It will damage my
fine genitalia."
(ISO)
This illustrates the general thesis that caution
may be carried too far. Has it ever occurred to
you that a wide stock of limericks held in reserve
in your memory banks might serve to make it
possible for you to illustrate many philosophical
points? If someone's overcaution is getting in
your way, you can say, disapprovingly, "You re-
mind me of the finicky man from Australia.'' The
other is sure to say, "What finicky man from Aus-
tralia?" You then recite the limerick and make
your point. (And if you're a nice guy, you send
me a bonus.)
(151)
73
DISILLUSIONMENT
A suitan
9
inspecting his harem,
Said, "Eunuch, proceed to unbare
9
em"
Having seen the details
He issued long veils
And ordered the harem to wear 'em.
(152)
I suppose every nonpolygamist is fascinated by
the thought of a harem. My own private feeling is
that it was probably a lot more trouble than it
was worth. When I was a kid, I went to the li-
brary once a week to get two books. I went there
through rain and snow, through summer heat and
winter cold, through hail and sleet. Nothing
stopped me. Now when I want a book, I buy it
and add it to my own permanent library. It was
more fun then, I think.
(153)
74
w<ATCH OUT BEHIND YOU
A woman who lived near Cape Fear
Would always most carefully steer
Past men whom she saw,
But was brought to the
floor,
By a well-timed attack
from the rear.
Cape Fear is not invented for the rhyme. It is
both a river and cape in North Carolina.
(154)
75
7VoW WE'LL NEVER KNOW
There once was a member
of
Mensa
Who was a most excellent fencer.
The sword that he used
Was his
(line is refused,
Andhas now been removed by the censor).
Mensa is an international organization of indi-
viduals who have passed certain IQ tests and who
are therefore suspected of being in the top 2 per-
cent of the population as far as intelligence is
concerned. Those I have met are nevertheless
nice people. In fact, I am myself a member of the
organization and in June, 1974, I was made an
International Vice President of the organization
for reasons no one has ever bothered to explain
to me. I think the above limerick is the least I can
do in exchange.
(155)
76
TVever say die
A woman who reached ninety-nine
Said she always felt perfectly fine
Thanks to helpings
of
semen
From rugged old he-men
Who were not too
far
gone in decline.
(156)
This started with the rhyme of "semen" and
"he-men" which I couldn't resist once it had oc-
curred to me. In fact, for a while I added the
phrase "we men" and tried to place it in the first,
second and fifth lines, but couldn't do it without
straining the verse beyond the breaking point.
Perhaps you can figure out a way of doing it. Just
keep it clean, pleasewell, sort of clean.
(157)
77
sCARCELY WORTH IT
A young woman from old Montreal
Reminisced once concerning her fall,
Saying, "He was so quick,
And his prick was so slick,
That I just never felt it at all.
(158)
My original version of the fourth line was
"And his penis so slick" but my wife the doctor
pointed out the humorous virtue of having an in-
ternal rhyme. I made the shift and sure enough
the laughs seemed better. My wife swears she can
improve all my limericks the same way, but I
have no faith whatever in her sense of decorum.
Who knows what excesses she may commit?
(159)
78
J?RAVO!
A young fellow received much acclaim
For his skill at the sexual game.
A real Juggernaut
He easily brought
Three girls to the peak ere he came.
(160)
Ah, I managed to get Juggernaut into a limer-
ick. For some time I have been thinking wistfully
of using the word "stamina." Mostly, I keep
thinking of rhymes like "ram in 'er" and "jam in
*er," which are obviously useful but would pro-
duce something (I suspect) that would be more
vulgar than clever. Well, I may think of some-
thing
yet.
(161)
79
IKE THIS, PLEASE
A sadly
afflicted
young stutterer
With a wish, but unable to utter
'er,
Showed his favorite tart
The appropriate part
Of
the drawings in his Kamasutra.
(162)
Of course, I'm not too proud to stretch a limer-
ick past the breaking point* The Kamasutra is the
well-known Hindu manual of love, which was one
of the great "forbidden books" in the days when
there were forbidden books. Actually, it's a kind
of creaky period piece, easier to talk about than
to read. Still, I wanted it part of a limerick, and
for the sake of doing so, I was ready to pretend
that a wish was feminine so that you could use
the phrase "utter *er" instead of the proper "utter
it"; and I also allowed Kamasutra to be pro-
nounced with a short "u" so as to rhyme the "sut"
syllable with "stut" and ut." Actually, it is "Ka-
masootra." The original third and fourth lines as
I composed them were "Had to carefully
gauge
/
The appropriate page" but that meant a
split infinitive as well, and the third infelicity was
just too much to swallow even for me.
(163)
80
Making beautiful music
There once was a lecherous pianist
Of
all, the most he-in' and she-inest.
To heighten his joy
He would only employ
Those girls he was told were agreein-est.
(164)
Don't think I don't hear those groans. But the
day before yesterday I was hearing a pianist play
excellent ragtime, and it just seemed to me I had
to try a limerick that began, "There once was a
lecherous pianist." Given that first line, can you
do better? You very possibly might, but if so I'd
be curious to see it.
(165)
81
HAT'S THE BIG DIPPER, MY DEAR
An astronomer fellow named Mark
Was sure it would be a great lark
To have a girl eye
The stars in the sky
And see what came up in the dark.
(166)
Oddly enough, I was having lunch with an as-
tronomer fellow named Mark, and it was that
which gave me the first line. The second came
easily, but it was Mark himself who came up with
the last line, and I said I would give him credit.
"I'm not sure I want it," he said.
The third and fourth lines were, originally,
"To show a girl stars
/
Such as Venus and Mars."
That was unsatisfactory first because Venus and
Mars are not stars, but planets. I might have let
that stand because of the connotation of Venus
and Marsthe great divine lovers of the Greek
mythsbut the rhyme "stars" and "Mars" is too
like the other rhyme of the limerick, "Mark,"
"lark," and "dark." For best results the two rhym-
ing
systems of a limerick should be distinctly dif-
ferent.
(167)
82
TVo SAFETY IN NUMBERS
There was a young fellow named Adam
Whose mother had once been a madam.
As
for
Daddy, the score
Was at least seven,
for
On the day
of
conception, Ma'd had 'em.
(168)
I wrote this one while waiting to go on a radio
talk show, The interviewer asked what I was
doing, and I said I was writing a limerick. He
said, "Good, you can read it on the program."
Something told me I ought to read it to him first,
however, and I did. He laughed, but he changed
his mind*
(169)
83
LAST LAUGH
We all laughed when a fellow named Ollie
Once swore he would screw a young dolly.
"For twelve hours, Til engage 'er"
And he laid down his wager.
We all laughed, but he did it, by golly.
(170)
My first thought was to try Oliver as the rhyme
word (because I had just seen the movie "Oliver"
for the third time and loved it all over again) but
got nowhere. It's just as well I gave up and
switched to the diminutive, because I like this one
quite a bit.
(171)
84
TVoW HEAR THIS!
A feminist, fetchingly scented,
In a charming hotel room she'd rented
Had picked up a guy
In the street, passing by,
And when she said, "Right on!" boy, she meant it.
(172)
I like those ten monosyllables in the last line,
and the play on "Right on," too. I have always
supposed that the exclamation "right on" was
short for "right on target," but once any phrase
becomes associated with any group it tends to be
overused by that group to the point where it is
meaningless except as a sound intended to convey
membership in that group.
My first attempt at lines three and four by the
way was "Had picked up a tar
/
In a neighbor-
hood bar," but I decided reluctantly that the use
of the word "tar" for "sailor" was British rather
than American,
(173)
85
NSULT ADDED TO INJURY
Another young feminist, Florence,
Held all the male sex in abhorrence.
She'd take men to bed
And screw them till dead
And then she'd collect the insurance.
(174)
I struggled quite a bit to find a decent rhyme
for "Florence" and "abhorrence." I got those two
so easily that it seemed impossible there shouldn't
be a third. Well there is, if you consider "war-
rants" and "torrents," but I couldn't use them in
such a way as to end up with a proper climax.
'Insurance" was just what I wanted, and I decid-
ed to ignore the imperfect rhyme.
(175)
86
EACH TO HIS TASTE
Some gentlemen born under Aries
Are likely to go by contraries.
They're apt to ignore
The sweet girl next door
Andfeel much attracted to fairies.
(176)
Another sign of the zodiac. Well, who knows,
perhaps in future editions I will have all twelve
after all.
(177)
87
A NATURAL MISTAKE
An actor, in furious rage,
Muttered this to an actress on stage,
"When Yd fallen for
you
I had thought forty-two
Was meant
for
your breasts, not your age!
(178)
Why an actor and actress? Well, I started off
with the notion of mistaking the significance of
the numbers and had my last line. An obvious
rhyme was "rage" as wouldn't you feel that if you
had made so crucial a mistake. But then I
couldn't get a third rhyme that satisfied me, and I
had to settle for "stage," which meant I had to
use an actor and actress. See how simple it all is?
(179)
88
MPATIENCE
There was a young couple from Florida
Whose passion grew steadily torrider.
They were planning to sin
In a room in an inn.
Who can wait? So they screwed in the corridor.
(180)
This started with the first two lines, and I was a
little dubious because I know as well as you that
we say "more torrid" and not "torrider." When it
occurred to me that "corridor" was also a rhyme
and what I could do with it, that was it. Torrider
stayed. This limerick has gotten laughs more un-
failingly than most of those in the book and I
love it. The line "In a room in an inn" is itself a
great combination of sounds that starts the lis-
teners smiling and readies them for the last line.
(181)
89
HANGE OF LIFE
There was a hard-working soothsayer
Well-known as an honest truth-prayer.
He married a dame
And Ruth was her name
And now he is called a Ruth-layer.
(182)
This is one of those limericks that exists only
for the rhymes. Generally, I prefer content to
rhymes, but I couldn't resist this.
(183)
90
TVaTURALLY!
There was a young girl named Laraine
Whom no one could think
of
as plain.
The fellows pursue her
In order to screw her
Again and again and again.
(184)
When Franklin Roosevelt was President, he
would sometimes say in one of his radio speeches
that he had said something "Again and again and
again," giving the second syllable of "again" the
long "a" sound. I suppose that means the limerick
would have been funnier forty years ago (to say
nothing of what it reveals about my age), but the
young girl named Laraine who was sitting at the
other end of the table when I constructed the lim-
erick asked for a handwritten signed copy, so
maybe it will do.
(185)
91
HIGH STANDARDS
A devil-may-care sort
of
flapper
Was a belle who was seeking a clapper.
But not every bum
Would be making her come
She was after a Phi Beta Kappa.
/
(186)
I trust I don't have to point out the cleverness
of the second line with its play on "belle" and
"bell" and with the phallic significance of the
clapper. I don't? Well, that's a relief
.
(187)
92
TFhatever do you mean?
Said old Dick to a quite famous beauty,
u
l think that it's my bounden duty
To give you the measure
Of
my tip
for
your pleasure
(203)
100
^4nd, FINALLY
The man whom I call Dr. A.
Is past master at love and at play.
At hugging and kissing