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20140923_Jade_ESSAY2410624.docx

Smarthinking's E-structor Response Form

(Your marked-up essay is below this form.)
HOW THIS WORKS: Your e-structor has written overview comments about your essay in the form below.
structor has also embedded comments [in bold and in brackets] throughout your essay. Thank you for ch
Smarthinking's OWL; best wishes with revising your paper!

*Strengths of the essay:

Hi Jade! I am Patricia C., and I will be helping you today with your personal memoir/narrative about your trip to Spain.
all, I want to commend you for incorporating quotes/dialogue in your draft. For example:

How was your seista?, Rolando asked in a thick cuban spanish accent.
A collaborative good! was spoken among the crowd of students.
We are now going to take the metro to Opera, from there we will walk to Plaza Mayor and Puerta de Sol, he began to

Incorporating dialogue such as that between your group and your tour guide gives readers a clear picture of those mom
during your trip, and it makes the narrative lively and engaging. Good job! =)

Main Idea/Thesis:
Now, let's work on creating a main idea statement in the introduction so that you can clearly convey to readers your m
regarding that trip to Spain. In your current introduction, you described what happened as you were landing in Spain:

Please prepare for landing, was all I could processed from the pilots announcement the morning of April 4th, 20
were coming into Spain descending to land in a whole new country, a whole new world.

However, you need to convey your main idea about that trip to Spain at the end of the introduction so that readers wi
clear idea regarding the main point of your narrative. Consider these questions when crafting your main idea: What is
point that you want to convey about that trip to Spain? What is the meaning or significance of that experience of trave
Spain for you? To guide you further, take a look at this sample main idea:

The birth of my daughter Pheobe was one of the most important experiences of my life because despite all the pa
to endure, I felt profound joy upon seeing my daughter for the first time.

Notice how the main idea specified the event/experience (The birth of my daughter Pheobe) and the significance of the
is one of the most important experiences of her life because despite the pain, she felt profound joy). Based on that exa
what is main idea that you want to convey about your trip to Spain, Jade? Go for it! =)

Introduction/Conclusion:
Moving on to the conclusion, you need to reflect on the significance or meaning of that experience in Spain that you n
so that readers will have a deeper understanding and a lasting impression of the narrative. In your current conclusion,
emphasized how you were able to make it back to your group/tour guide:

Eventually we made it back with the group and our tour guide, unharmed and no longer lost. We had survived o
night in Madrid, our first night in a new country and we were ready to take on the next ten days of our lives.

However, you need to tell readers specifically what the event/experience in Spain meant for you. Consider these quest
when developing your conclusion: What is the significance or meaning of that trip to Spain for you? What is the most
important or striking thing about that experience? What did you learn or realize from traveling to Spain? How did that
experience in Spain impact you? Add those details in your conclusion so that you can clearly convey the meaning of yo
narrative. To learn more about writing conclusions for a narrative, you can check out this link: Narrative as a Developm

*Jade 7318797 has requested that you respond to the Grammar & Mechanics:
Finally, there are parts of your narrative/memoir where you need to place commas so that the ideas in the sentence a
properly distinguished from each other. Commas are used to separate two independent clauses (also known as senten
have a coordinating conjunction like for, and, nor, but, or, yet, and so in between them. For example:

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