THE BOOK OF ALL KNOWLEDGE 1

Aardvarger, Newly discovered

breed of tiger that has become the
dominant predator of the Aardvark.
By the 21st century, the aardvarger
hunted
the
Aardvark
into
extension, thus taking its place as
the first word in every alphabetized
encyclopedia.

Abbreviation, The most common

form of language found in North
America in the tribes of Sorority
and Fraternity. Similar to American
English, Abbreviation minimizes
every word of English into onesyllable words.

the
American
Civil
war
by
implementing
the
mass
manufacturing of silver bullets
used to kill vampires in the
Confederate
Army.
Abraham
Lincoln was also the sixteenth
president of the United States.
Absinthe, A potion that causes the
drinker to gain the ability of seeing
green fairies. Absinthe is commonly
green, but can come in a variety of
colors and flavors depending on
the species of fairy the potion
maker intends to be able to see.
Acai Berry, A wild berry which,
when consumed, makes one a
basic white girl who is definitely
going to lose five pounds in just
three days.

Abdominals, Also known as abs,

abdominals are the muscle group
most closely equated with having a
better spring break Facebook
album than everyone else.
Aberforth
Dumbledore,
The
older
brother
of
famous wizard Albus
Dumbledore.
Aberforth played a
significant role in the
Battle of Hogwarts. His known past
times include inappropriately close
relationships with goats, talking to
his dead sisters portrait, and
hanging out in dodgy pubs.
Abraham
Lincoln,
Prominent
vampire
slayer
and
certified
badass. His weapon of choice is a
tree axe. Lincoln played a pivotal
role in fighting the vampires during

Acupuncture,
The
art
of
transforming oneself from a human
being to a porcupine by slowly
inserting hundreds of tiny needles
into the surface of the skin.
Adoption, The only legal way to
buy a child.
Administration, An authority that
determines the fate of lesser
human beings. Administration is
the known common enemy of the
hippy and the liberal alike.
Agave, a sweetening syrup used
by hippies and liberals to ensure
that their tea and baked goods give

THE BOOK OF ALL KNOWLEDGE

them
the
super
power
legitimized entitlement.

of

Alcatraz, A maximum-security
island prison The United States
built in order to safely contain all of
the nations scientologists.
Alcohol, A less powerful potion
than Absinthe, but still possesses
the power of transforming pleasant
people into a state of capability
that of a two-year-old human.
Allergy, A type of trendy form of
restricted
eating.
Some
recommend that others have
allergies to foods that have
recently gone out of style. The
most common example of a food
that has gone out of vogue is
wheat. When Americans decided
that they were so done with wheat,
millions of Americans decided to
become allergic to the substance in
wheat called gluten. Very few
people know what a gluten is, apart
from food reps at Whole Foods
farmers markets.

Amazon

Rainforest,

The largest forest located in South

America with over 1.7 billion acres
of land that hosts an astonishing
variety of bulldozers, dump trucks,
mechanical cranes, and power
tools. Once an uncultivated land
completely devoid of modern
machinery and economic progress,
the Amazon Rain Forest may one
day be the first portion of land in
the
world
to
become
fully
cultivated by humankind.
American Civil War II, The
American Civil War II is an ongoing
war in the United States between
conservative
republicans
and
liberal democrats. This war has
been
egged
on
by
media
propaganda between news stations
such as Fox News and MSNBC. The
battle of Capitol Hill is known as
the most significant battle thus far
because Democrat and Republican
armies in congress managed to
shut the entire US government
down in this battle in the year

THE BOOK OF ALL KNOWLEDGE 3

2014.

Ambulance, tiny hospitals on

wheels that are the quickest way to
get through rush hour traffic. When
people are late to work or find
themselves stuck in traffic, they
will purposefully injure themselves
and call the ambulance number to
ensure their speedy arrival to their
intended destination.
Antelope, a kind of melon similar
to a cantaloupe, but oddly shaped
like a deer.
Apartment, a place where one
lives while looking for another
place to live.

software, phones, laptops, and

mp3s that nobody knew they
needed until the moment they saw
such products being advertised by
Steve Jobs. This company is
currently making more money than
most of the worlds countries GDP
combined. It is estimated that by
year 2025 Apple Inc. will have
joined forces with Disney and
successfully taken over the entire
free world.
April, 8th, 1994, the year that
the world became a little bit better
of a place.
Argument, a type of conversation
that constitutes nearly 50% of all
conversations and never ends with
mutual understanding.
Arbys,
a
fast
food
chain
restaurant whose only edible item
on the menu is the Jamocha
Shake.

Apology, a spoken or written

confession that typically only
occurs when a person has been
caught in the act of doing
something incredibly stupid.
Apple,
known

computer
for

company
designing

Archery, the practice of using a

bow and arrow to kill all your
enemies in the 74th and 75th annual
Hunger Games.
Archaeology, the professional and
academic discipline of digging in

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the

THE BOOK OF ALL KNOWLEDGE

dirt.
Assembly line, the very worst
kind of line ever invented. The
assembly line has invaded many a
city and ferociously consumed
every immigrant, person of color,
and uneducated citizen living in the
area, forcing them to work for long
hours doing one mundane task
over and over again.

Arson, the act of setting fires on

purpose for the sheer enjoyment of
watching things burn when you are
no longer a child human.
Asparagus, the most difficult
vegetable to eat in the entire
world. Eating this tricky string
shaped vegetable is a sure fire way
to make any first date extremely
awkward. It also possesses the
super power of making human
urine smell like garlic bread.

Atheism, the only religion that

uses a personal hatred of God to
defend the nonexistence of God to
anyone who begins a conversation
with a practitioner of said religion.
Arthur, a friendly aardvark who
was devoured by an aardvarger
after his television show on PBS
was cancelled.