Valladares 1

Naomi Valladares
English 113B
Professor Spitler-Lawson
11 May 2016
Final Draft Project Text
Are You My Family?
In the book The Giver by Lois Lowry, families are structured to just being a nuclear
family, but in our society a family isnt always that stable or perfect. When it comes to families
in The Giver structure is the most important thing for a family but in our society love is what
truly makes a family. A family with parents that love each other along with having endless love
for their children. The Giver is a great example of what families could be like if structure is
valued more than love. Structure is important within a family but love is what creates it and
keeps it together.
The definition of a family is a mother and father with their children, however in todays
society most people dont grow up with that kind of family. There are countless same sex
partners, children created by donated genetic material, adoptive and birth parents in their childs
life, along with step or half siblings under the same household (Shanley). Are the people that live
in these conditions not considered a family? All because the structure of just one mother and one
father and their children isnt there? No, these are just different types of families compared to a
nuclear family, such as the ones shown in The Giver.
In any family there has to be parents, whether its a single mother or father, parents of the
same sex, or both a mother and father, etc., but either way children have someone there to love
and nurture them. Although there are different kinds of parents the one thing that doesnt change

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are the emotions they have such as their love for each other which leads them to wanting a child.
Choosing someone to love is a wonderful privilege. In The Giver adults have to apply to receive
a spouse this process can make someone wait for months or even years before a match was
approved and announced (48). Kind of like online dating and an arranged marriage all in one. In
The Giver adults arent able to choose who they want to be with but if they were allowed to
choose their own mate, and chose wrong it would be Very frightening (98), it is for most
people but the feelings that come when looking for the right person is worth it, however thats
something they would never experience. The main reason its important for parents to know what
love is, is so that they can also love their children. If adults cant feel any emotion such as love
for anyone or themselves how can they feel anything for their children?
Emotional connection is important in order for families to stay together otherwise
children might grow up with a lack of emotional self-regulation [] [and have] unclear,
immature, or rigid principles and life goals (Klever). This is why in the book The Giver parents
dont love their children. Due to the generations of detached families there is a lack of emotion to
feel love which also made the word so meaningless that its become almost obsolete (127). A
family only enjoys or has pride in their child (127) but will never truly love and care for them. In
The Giver this lack of emotional contact within families are also why families separate once a
child becomes a full adult. Once they become a full adult they get their dwelling and apply for a
spouse and children (124). In these families there are no grandparents due to the fact that once
the kids grow up their parents are no longer needed or wanted. Once the children are gone
parents move to a place with other parents without children and stay there and work for the
community until they are too old and go to the old peoples home and get released (124), But in
regard to todays society grandparents are some of the most important family members to both

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parents and grandchildren. Grandparents frequently assist their children by taking care of the
grandchildren (Thomese) which allows the grandchildren to know more about him/ herself and
the history of family patterns (Klever). Grandparents along with family stories could help shape
children and allow them to understand where they come from. That knowledge would help them
understand what kind of life they truly want. Even if what they truly want is to have a huge
family or rather focus on their dream job.
Very little women in The Giver are able to experience being pregnant. Few women are
assigned the job of birthmother and in their lifetime they give three births and thats all. After
that they are Laborers for the rest of their adult lives, until the day that they enter the House of
the Old (22). The saddest part about a birthmothers life is the fact that they give birth to three
children but yet never even get to see new children (22). They are unable to have a family even
though they already have children out in the world. They never get to meet the baby they carried
inside of them for nine months. Although to them it doesnt matter because their lack of emotions
shields them from the painful memory of a child taken from its parents (142). Being a
birthmother shouldnt be a job or be considered an assignment with very little honor (21),
being a mother is one of the most rewarding times in a womans life. After birth a chemical bond
called oxytocin, develops between a mother and child and usually the bonding often occurs
[while giving] (birth, breast-feeding and sexual behavior) [which] initially led to the suggestion
that oxytocin may regulate aspects of social bonding (Nelson). The fact that children are taken
from their birthmother right after birth in The Giver is so that oxytocin wont bond the mother
and child in order for the children to get attached to their adoptive parents instead of their
birthmother. Although oxytocin is a strong chemical bond it can also be recreated between an
adoptive parent and their child.

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When it comes to adoption most parents what a new born child in order to recreate the
oxytocin bond. In The Giver all children are adopted but dont have a real bond with their
parents, parents get children because it is a job needed to fulfil their lives with meaning before
they are released. It is shown that in The Giver there is no bond between parent and child when a
boy named Caleb had wondered away unnoticed, and had fallen in the river (44), there was a
type of funeral for the boy but it was different compared to what we do in our society. The
entire community performed the ceremony of loss together, murmuring the name Caleb
throughout an entire day, less and less frequently, softer in volume [] [Caleb] seemed to fade
away gradually from everyones consciousness (44), after that day his name was not to be
spoken of or reused for another child. To have lost a child is very devastating but one day isnt
enough for even a parent to grieve over their dead child, and to never be able to speak of then
name is sad. The lack of emotion in The Giver is very powerful, and makes sure that now one is
attached to anyone in any way other than paperwork. Although in our society adoption is done
through paperwork most parents truly care for their children especially when the child is adopted
as a new born because the physical contact with the same people every day allows an oxytocin
bond to occur which allows the parents and child to fully love and care for each other.
Love is important in order for a family to be created and stay together. The ability to love
anyone unconditionally and make them your family is amazing. Children that have a not so
nuclear family will do just fine as long as the emotional contact is there. Love brings a family
together on matter if you are blood related or not. The love thats given and received is what
allows people to say another person is family. No matter the structure of the family, love is what
makes the family.