Ee POC Cd \\ DETAILS 08 DETAILDO YOU HAVE RANDPA SYNDROME? MPLAIN THAT BARS ARE Y AND THINK TILA TEQU CARY, NOT HOT. AND YOU'RE LA'S GEOFFREY BROW, AN ATTORNEY FOR DFLE. COMPUTERS IN AUSTIN, TEXAS, DOESN'T _get out much anymore. The last concert he attended was a reunion show by seventies, rockers Grand Funk Railroad. He left early. “It was too loud and people were jostling into me,” he says. To the extent that he listens to music at home, he prefers classic rock like the Rolling Stones. I'm not completely immune to new stuff" he says. “I do like Coldplay.” Atthe gym, Brow rides a stationary bike and wears a heart moni: tor. After work he enjoys single-malt Scotch and sometimes watches baseball (but only non-expansion teams”), He's usually in bed by 0 Pa. Brow is 36 years old Now, feling old is nothing new. Somewhere in the neighborhood of 30, every {guy gets a few physical reminders that he's not a kid anymore. The back begins to creak, fatigue comes more quickly, and hairstarts disappearing from some places (and showing up in others), But acting old, wholeheartedly adopting the lifestyle and mannerisms of a man a generation or more older, is something different, It’s a 0 or Go years of life left, i's a pathology. Rather than downplay middle age with a Sufjan Stevens :shirt and the newest iPhone, these {guys sprint from their youths, behaving like Uncle Charley from MyThree Sons while still square “It’s a weird twist on the phobia of being the oldest guy in the cub,” says Christian Lander, author of Stuff White People Like, “Remember seeing that 45-year-old dude in 1999 off ina comerkinda dancingto himself? You want to make sure that's not you, 50 your preemptive move is not going out atall once you hit 35—or even 30. Beyond the specter of the old man in the club, the sheer anxiety of keeping up with pop culture can trigger premature aging, Who with full-time employment has choice, and for aman who has in the prime of life. They succumb to Grandpa Syndrome, time to track every hookup on The Hills, every new Facebook application, every new sale on at Waldenbooks or it’s Shark Lil Wayne release? Especially when there’ DETAILS.COM OCTOBER 2008 DETAILS 175dossier Week on Discovery Channel AAt43, Brad Anderson, a Manhattan screen- writer and director, is “done” with answering his cell phone, one he describes as “some old thing without the BlackBerry stuifon it,” he more | disengage myself from what's going on around me,” Anderson says, “the Jess miserable I'll be. Besides, television, music—it'sall become crap” This the stock declaration fora manvwith advanced Grandpa Syndrome. As faras he's concerned, there hasn't been anything worth being awake for past midnight since Tom Snyderwent offthe air *Youhearpeoplewhiningtthat there's noth- ingauthenticanymore,” says David Browne, 48, author of Goodbye 20th Century: A Biography of Sonic Youth. Paris Hilton, Feist, the honible singers on American Idol...” He continues in a mock grandpa voice: ‘Oh, but in the nine- ties, man! Music was real, The economy was rolling We had Puck on The Real World” Buti isn't realy the decline of pop culture that’s at the heart of the premature grandpa’s bellyaching—it’s the fear of the technology required to capture new music, TV, and mov- ies, and resentment about the rituals being stripped away by things like TiVo and video streaming, Being expected to stay up and ‘watch endless real-time coverage of elec tion results on TV instead of waiting for his morning paper. Feeling pressure to amass thousands of MP3s on his hard drive rather ‘than fetishize a collection of box sets Peter Jacobson, an actor best known for playing Dr. Chris Taub on House, is a self professed old man at 43, Hewas at dinner re- cently with “a bunch ofttwentysomethings," and he was appalled. “All they did all night ‘was take pictures on theircellulay phones and send them somewhere,” he says. But lately Jacobson has pulled backa bit from the prec: pice. He recently asked the "kids” at work people in their early thirties—to introduce him to some nifty new technology. And while his Grandpa Syndrome hasn't quite gone into remission, he isn’t hating his encounter with theotherside ofmiddle age. “They taught me how to text,"he says, “It's kind of annoying, but I'm starting to get the hang oft” m > wpevsttrercarnorvers 0s Marty Mak? Take cur ute at deta. com/ gabout to fn out if teres hope 176 DETAILS OCTOBER 2008 DETAILS.COM age | t -4-@ The Symptoms Checklist ‘A man who exhibits any ofthese behaviors s officially coming down with Grandpa Syndrome, GS ‘Wears earplugs at (OFantasizes about ‘concerts Catherine Keener Refers to Qualcomm Stadium by i original name ss nose-cnea Fendohones ‘aGestures any at Seeing crs This ea inde batdise reat he ene 1 Onns shoe tres Dwitwatch anything || wth Nos nie sti watches porn an DvD or vis ‘ls terifed, not tured on, by Tia Tequila Favors loncimpact ‘ercise machines ike ‘he recumbent bike Bitches—stil—about how | Gore realy won the election DEvengelizes at work ‘about 4O1IK| plans EW watch only the orignal Law 8 Order Shows up for movies half ‘an hour eary—at least Leaves concerts and sporting events early to [DThreatens to send letters eat the traffic” when he feels screwed tm Frequently laments 2 Ovmns the entre Richard the fact that anal sexand ‘Expresses deathiyfear |} Ford canon, reoathiee baSaTa, of Lye disease popular after his “prima” ‘BAewually pays attention to the creepy infomercial guy pho talks about bowol movements ‘Shreds everything DProciaims that @ vodka martini isnt 2 real martin) [DReters to all har procuct as "gol" Doesn't understand why Halo has to be so violent misses the simplcity af Donkay Kong and Atari isnt involved in purchasing his socks and uneerear Always opts for the extanded-care warranty ‘2Looks forward t black parties and annual sales [DRefers to Sean Combs as Putt Dacey t= Caries @ non-collansible Umbrella Complains that bars are too noisy and too dark (Prefers to watch TV shows at the tie they alr {ls puzzled by people smoking pot at concerts Often tale excitedly ‘about what a good deathe got on a purchase ‘Doesn't trust e-tickets ils building a deck B.Demands to speck to a “real human baing” on customer-service tines La carries tissues "Gripes about net being, ‘able to drink as much as he Used to ‘Calls playlists “mix tapes" ma Stil can't belive Pauina [Looks over tis shoulder erteota marisa Re at the ATM, Ocasek [Walks onthe treadmill ‘iCaleulates tps exactly