Thomas Sommers ENGL 101 October 14, 2012 Dark Thoughts If only my words could capture my feelings.

The lyrical writings of Scott Lewis have gotten me through the hardest times in my life and inspired me to wri te my own pieces of literature. Scott Lewis is the lead vocalist of the band Carnifex and has a very deep style of writing which is quite confusing unless read on a deeper level. The ban d has written four albums of music and thirty-nine songs to date. I see these so ngs, however, as thirty-nine poems written about the thoughts that enshroud him every day. The tone of these poems is a very dark with many hidden subtleties. L ewis has had a long battle with depression and a low sense of self worth. His ly rics are an outcry of pain from all the people who have used and abused him. Quo tes from his writings such as, These thoughts became cages and Summer fades, Winter 's cold hands embrace me depict how Lewis was constantly plagued by his own mind. He also references often to the people in his life that used him but left him f eeling empty. His line for instance, I never thought I'd see an angel without win gs, I never thought that angel would bury me alive describes how people can appea r so sincere in their actions but in the end can only bring you harm when you le ast suspect it. I found that many times I would have to reread his work many tim es before I fully understood it. Each album has a similar tone but a unique styl e that changed as Lewis began to perfect his voice. His first album was very sim ple and to the point about his pain with a few metaphors. His second album took a much more poetic turn in which he uses a vast amount of similes, metaphors, an d analogies. The third album transitioned from being mostly focused on his own p ain to a more outward hate toward both those who hurt him and hatred of himself. Finally, his last album was where everything came together and dwelled in perfe ct harmony. I believe at this point Scott Lewis had finally combined the best of all his previous albums. It had a vibe centered on Fear of the future in which he asks a lot of indirect questions about his future and combines the elements of his past three works expressing hatred, fear, and self-loathing. My unexplainabl e connection to these words and his ability to take the terrible thoughts that c learly plague the both of us and turn it into something beautiful makes Scott Le wis my inspiration. His song Until I feel nothing hit home more than anything else . There have been so many nights where I would seem to stare in the mirror for h ours asking myself, What's worse? This world or my only way out? I felt with this al bum a sense of raw emotion being screamed into every line that I have not seen i n any other piece of metal I have listened to. Throughout all of his albums the fact that I can feel the emotion in his lyrics has caused them to truly impact m e. Lewis's lyrics not only are directly relatable to my own past, but describ e how I both respect and fear my own mind. The lifestyle of straightedge kid is a difficult because you have to find other ways to fight depression without usin g a substance. Being straightedge requires a commitment to a life without drugs or alcohol. Music has been the one way for me to escape my troubles and immerse myself in song. Throughout my life I have struggled with cyclothymia, a conditio n in which a person struggles with extreme ups and downs of self-worth. One day I'll look at myself in the mirror in way completely different then the last. On a Monday, I could wake up and stare at a man who I see as strong, nice, and has hi s life on track. The very next day I'll see a child scared, weak, unworthy, and lo st. It would induce insomnia due to the constant voices not allowing my mind to calm down enough to fall asleep. The good and bad time periods are random and un predictable. During my darkest times, my own worst enemy was my own mind. I was so afraid that no one understood what it was like to be at war with myself. Howe ver, music has helped me greatly in my fight to overcome cyclothymia. It was whe n I happened to find Scott Lewis's writings that a great weight was lifted off my shoulders. The feeling that someone could comprehend the hell I dealt with on a

daily basis gave me a sense of relief like no other. I used to only be able to f ight the voices by playing music so loud that it was impossible for me to hear t hese thoughts. Until I read Lewis's lyrics, I had no idea how effective writing ly rics could be in helping ease the emotional pain and stop my thoughts from escal ating. Using Lewis's lyrics as a guide, I began to write my own. My dark periods a re now shorter, less intense, and have greatly helped my insomnia. This is the first poem I wrote after a late night of emotional torment. It was a pure expression of how hopeless I felt when I would help others yet the y seem to leave me as soon as I helped them. Yet, I can't find a way to make peopl e stay other than by letting myself be used. Center of their world, Lost in mine I am the shoulder The keeper of secrets The kindness through the pain The wisdom The guidance The voice The savior The light in the dark tunnel When the tunnel ends I am the forgotten I have now begun to write down all of my thoughts and frustrations in va rious forms of poems and lyrics every time I enter a dark period. At first, they were very short, unorganized, and not very deep. I was only focused on venting everything and didn't focus on truly describing my thoughts. However, just as Lewi s grew as a writer across his albums so did I. Writing literature over and over, I began to develop my very own voice and style. All my thoughts began to flow s moothly onto paper and I felt confident in my writing. I began to learn that som e of my best lines came from when I would engage in deep conversation with my cl osest friends. One particular talk with my good friend helped my form one of my best lines. Well isn't that what we fear the most? The times where we let our emotions get the best of us and we do things far beyond our own understanding, I said. I just don't see myself as that kind of person. We all think we are better, smarter than we really are. But at some point, we hav e to face the fact that we are just as human as we've feared. To this day, I have n ever come up with a better way to word how I feel on a daily basis. These words will forever stay with me. I'm Just as Human as I've Feared Voices, voices Endless echoes They cannot be silenced Some things must be done For my dark thoughts have won I am weaker than I've feared Fighting my mind everyday Even though I pray It won't get any better God send me a sign Show me you're still divine Cause I'm running out of faith You're my last lifeline Stairs to great to climb

Without you I'd be gone long ago To die in shame Tis better than to live in pain My sins an un-cleansable stain Living a life that's unfair And choosing not to care I'll cheat the very system My existence is a joke I have no faith left in hope So I guess I'll just hang my hope To be finally at peace Is it worth the release? Questions left unanswered I'll never know Until it's too late And that's what scares me most Too strong to cry Too scared to die Too human to understand why Scott Lewis's literature has had the greatest impact on my life. Through h is words, I have grown as an individual. With the only direction to move being f orward, Lewis's lyrics have inspired me to find my voice in writing and have given me hope in my darkest of hours. His words have captured my feelings. This is one of the latest songs that I have written: My dark passenger Staring into darkness I find solace in the night An open eye to a closed mind Whispers of death enshroud me The wind she blows bringing fear through my soul A fear, a memory, what I never want to fucking be Like a knife to bone shes engraved in my thoughts Her pain felt in my sorrows Empathy to atrophy, my mind left in agony A bittersweet moment of brevity Left alone with my thoughts haunting Bereft of all sense of reality I curse myself wishing it was me To feel pain, to regret Living a life qualmed by my entity Can this end or is this me Forever struggle with my altruity Wishing for simple sins Blaming myself and only me Myself I hate, myself I love Your words mean nothing to me My dark passenger rides, eternally