h e n y o u a r e s a b o t a g i n g y o u r o w n s u c c e s s .

h t m # i x z z 2 A e l Y Z d F O

Self-Sabotage 1

Self-Sabotage: Understanding Why the Client Fails to Reach His Goal

Miriam D. Dancziger International Coach Academy

October 29, 2012

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Contents

Abstract Introduction The Resistance Syndrome The Upper Limit Problem Negative Thought Patterns Conclusion References

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Self-Sabotage 3 Abstract The purpose of this research paper is to examine why a client may exhibit self-sabotaging behaviors which prevent him from achieving and enjoying success. It is incumbent upon the coach to understand the psychology of why the client may engage in these behaviors despite his desire to work toward his goals. With the benefit of this understanding, the coach can guide the client to correct his behaviors.

Self-Sabotage 4 What is self-sabotage? The World English dictionary defines sabotage as to destroy, damage, or disrupt, especially by secret means. Dictionary.com adds that sabotage is any undermining of a cause. Thus, self-sabotage can be defined as an act done by an individual to damage or undermine himself. Self-sabotage can be recognized by the internal struggle between wanting to do something but feeling that one cannot or should not do it. (Williams, 2010) Self-sabotaging behaviors can manifest themselves in many different ways. In extreme cases, the client may abuse drugs or alcohol in order to escape reality and harm their health. More commonly, self-sabotage takes the form of procrastination, negative thoughts, and distraction. Anything that one does subconsciously to prevent a desired outcome can be considered self-sabotage. Self-sabotage is one of the biggest obstacles that clients face in trying to reach their goals. And yet, it's baffling, illogical, and difficult to explain why the client would stop themselves and hold themselves back from something they truly want. There are several theories which explain why an individual would engage in self-sabotaging behaviors. Understanding these theories will help the coach understand the client and be able to coach them to overcome their self-sabotage and ultimately achieve their goals.

The Resistance Syndrome Barbara Sher (1996), in her book Live the Life You Love, equates self-sabotage with resistance. She claims that resistance is a universal phenomenon that all humans face. Sher theorizes that resistance is a primitive safety mechanism (p. 123) which is stronger than desire or will. Resistance was developed in early humans to ensure their safety and survival. Early humans were safest when they resisted their curiosity to venture into the unknown, dangerous world. Therefore, resistance developed to ensure the continuation of mankind.

Self-Sabotage 5 Resistance can be interpreted as self-sabotage, but Sher encourages the reader to understand that, because it is universal, it is not a sign of weakness. She advocates the removal of the stigma of self-sabotage by understanding that it has a function and is just a characteristic encoded into the client's DNA. Accepting that resistance is a part of life is the first step toward defeating it. Sher outlines several concrete strategies to overcome resistance and thereby eliminate the client's self-sabotaging behaviors. The first step she elucidates requires the coach to help the client isolate the smallest possible step toward his goal that the client feels no resistance towards and is willing to do. For example, if the client has a goal of exercising for 30 minutes per day, he may typically encounter resistance when thinking about exercise, and end up not exercising at all. The coach should help the client identify the smallest step that he feels no resistance towards. This may be exercising for one minute, or maybe just 10 seconds. The client should complete this minimum step and then stop. The purpose of this technique is not to increase the the client's duration over time, but rather to reawaken the feelings of enjoyment and pleasure achieved through exercising. At this point, the perceived mental danger level lowers and the balance between resistance and action will begin to tip. (Sher, 1996, p.134) Sher then suggests that the client declare his love for the smallest unit of action. This will awaken desire for the outcome from within the client. As desire is the natural enemy of resistance, remembering how much he enjoys the process will allow the client to continue working toward his goal without awakening his resistance. Sher also addresses the issue which arises when the client cannot identify even a miniscule action toward which he feels no resistance. She proposes an innovative strategy: She suggests that the client proclaim his refusal to do anything at all related to the goal. She explains that this outright refusal allows the client to remain in control in the battle with resistance. Sher advises the client to

Self-Sabotage 6 vocally repeat his refusal for days, weeks, or months, as long as necessary, until the resistance naturally disappears and the client can take action toward his goal. Sher's method of overcoming resistance as a way of eliminating self-sabotaging behaviors is an effective method because it gives the client permission to accept the undesired behaviors as universal, and, therefore, normal. Once the client is no longer battling with himself over the self-sabotage, he can begin to implement the smallest step toward reaching his goal in order to reawaken his desire for it. Once his desire is reawakened, the desire becomes stronger than the resistance and the self-sabotaging behaviors naturally desist. (Sher, 1996)

The Upper Limit Problem In his book, The Big Leap, Gay Hendricks (2009) presents an interesting theory as to why clients sabotage their own success. He claims that every person has an Upper Limit, or an internal thermostat setting (p.20) which determines the amount of positivity and success they can tolerate in their life. He explains that this Upper Limit is established in early childhood, based on the child's perceptions of what is expected of him by his parents and society. The Upper Limit Problem expresses itself by tripping the client up as he experiences success. When the client reaches his Upper Limit of how much pleasure he feels he is allowed to enjoy, he subconsciously sabotages himself and creates a problem in his life in order to prevent himself from breaking through his Upper Limit. For example, a client succeeds in closing a successful business deal that he had been working on and feels the pleasure of his success. That evening, instead of celebrating the success with his wife, he finds himself in a bitter argument with her. According to Hendricks, what happened was that at a certain point, he reached his Upper Limit of how much pleasure he allowed himself to feel, and at that point he subconsciously began an argument with his spouse in order to bring

Self-Sabotage 7 himself back down comfortably below his Upper Limit. Self-sabotaging behaviors can manifest themselves in many ways when the client is trying to remain within his Upper Limit. These commonly include worrying, criticizing, blaming, deflecting compliments and positive energy, arguing, getting sick or hurt, hiding significant feelings, breaking agreements, and lying. All of these behaviors are forms of self-sabotage which the client subconsciously engages in to prevent himself from breaking free of his Upper Limit. (Hendricks, 2009, p.111) Hendricks suggests several action steps in order to help the client break free of his Upper Limit problem and begin to live in the what he calls the Zone of Genius. This is when the client is at his peak level of enjoyment and fulfillment in his life and is not hindered by his Upper Limit and selfsabotaging behaviors. Hendricks suggests that the coach help the client identify which Upper Limiting behaviors he most commonly engages in. When the client notices himself engaging in the negative behavior, he should shift his attention to what the underlying issue is. He should make a point to realize that he has reached his Upper Limit and that is why he is sabotaging himself. At this point, the client should practice shifting his attention to the positive feelings that he was experiencing immediately prior to reaching his Upper Limit. Hendricks instructs the client to consciously allow the sensations of positivity, love, abundance, and success to fill his being. He should notice where in his body these feelings appear and how they manifest themselves. Paying close attention to these feelings allows the client to become more comfortable with them, and this increases his capacity for feeling goodness. Eventually, the client will find that he has broken free of his Upper Limit and no longer sabotages himself when things are going well. (p.112) Hendricks' theory is a useful method for the coach to assist the client in identifying how he is limiting himself. When the client understands that he sabotages himself because something good is

Self-Sabotage 8 happening in his life, he can practice accepting the abundance which he earned. He will understand that he may have created arguments, worry, and illness only in order to prevent himself from enjoying his successes. He can then begin to stretch his capacity for positivity in his life and begin to soar above the Upper Limit which held him back. (Hendricks, 2009)

Negative Thought Patterns Often, clients engage in self-sabotaging behavior because of negative thought patterns and false beliefs about themselves. Hendricks outlines four fears and false beliefs which can become barriers to reaching success. Additionally, Brian Tracy, in his book, Change Your Thinking, Change Your Life, (2003) discusses several common misconceptions that clients may believe about themselves and how they can be overcome. The four fears that Hendricks describes are misconceptions which the client developed in early childhood. These four items become barriers which, later in life, the client must surmount in order to allow himself to move past his Upper Limit and stop subconsciously sabotaging his success. The first barrier is the false belief that the client is inherently flawed or bad. When the client begins to enjoy success in his life, his subconscious tells him that he does not deserve the success because he is a flawed or bad person. He is then forced to sabotage his own success so he cannot reach his goal. Related to this belief is the belief that the client's best efforts may not be good enough, so it is therefore not worth it to try harder. The second fear which causes the client to sabotage himself and stay within his Upper Limit is the fear of disloyalty and abandonment. (Hendricks, 2009, p. 48) If the client's success contradicts his family's rules or values, he will feel guilty when trying to move beyond his Upper Limit and will subconsciously follow breakthroughs with self-sabotage. The third barrier to success is the fear that the client is a burden to his family and to society. This false belief can trigger

Self-Sabotage 9 the client to sabotage himself in order to prevent himself from succeeding and then feeling like a greater burden. The final barrier that Hendricks identifies is the fear of outshining a sibling or someone else from the client's past. The client falsely believes that he may not achieve more than someone else because he will be responsible for someone else feeling badly. When facing these four fears, the client may achieve his goals but will sabotage himself and not allow himself to enjoy his successes. The solution to surmounting these negative thought patterns is to practice feeling positivity, as outlined above. (Hendricks, 2009) Tracy discusses several of the most commonly held negative beliefs which cause the client to sabotage himself. The first is the feeling of inadequacy and worthlessness. The client may believe that others are better than him, simply because others appear to be doing better than him. (Tracy, 2003, p.12) Another self-limiting belief is the belief that the client does not deserve to be successful. When he achieves success, he may feel like an imposter and engage in self-sabotaging behaviors in order to escape the feelings of guilt. (Tracy, 2003, p.14) Tracy explains that positive thinking can help the client overcome his self-sabotaging behaviors. He claims that, according to the Law of Substitution, the mind can only hold one thought at a time. (Tracy, 2003 p.19) The coach can help the client identify his negative, self-limiting thought and then substitute in a positive, self-affirming thought. Tracy suggests that the client practice talking to himself positively and refuse to say anything about himself that he does not desire to be true. (Tracy, 2003, p.13) By replacing negative thoughts with positive thoughts, the client can begin to believe in himself more and believe that he can enjoy the successes he has earned. This stronger self-belief gives the client the opportunity to reach higher and achieve more. The more successful the client is, the less he will feel the need to sabotage himself. (Tracy, 2003)

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Conclusion Self-sabotage is one of the most difficult behaviors to understand. In many cases, the client himself does not understand why he is holding himself back from reaching his goals. It is imperative that the coach understand why self-sabotage occurs so that he can help the client understand his subconscious behaviors and begin to change them. Understanding the theories of the Resistance Syndrome, the Upper Limit Problem, and negative thought patterns is fundamental to the coach's ability to help the client succeed.

Self-Sabotage 11 References

Hendricks, G. (2009). The Big Leap: Conquer Your Hidden Fear and Take Life to the Next Level. New York, NY: HarperCollins Publishers Sher, B. (1996). Live the Life You Love in Ten Easy Step-by-Step Lessons. New York, NY: Delacorte Press Sabotage. (n.d.) in Dictionary.com. Retrieved from http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/sabotage Tracy, B. (2003). Change Your Thinking, Change Your Life: How to Unlock Your Full Potential for Success and Achievement. Hoboken, NJ: John Wiley & Sons, Inc. Williams, T. (2010). 40 Powerful Ways to Self Sabotage Your Success. Retrieved from http://breakfreefromselfsabotage.com/01articles/how-to-know-when-you-are-sabotaging-yourown-success.htm