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byNickNotas

April4th,2012

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Are You a Real Man or Just a Nice Guy?

Forthefirst20yearsofmylife,myrelationshipsfellinto asimilarpattern.Idstartdatingagirl,wedbeamazing together,andnextthingyouknow,Imsingleagain. WhenIenteredalongtermrelationshipduringcollege,I thoughtshewastheone.Twoyearslatershebrokeit offandIspentmonthspissedoffabouthowitwasall herfault. Whatkindofpersonwouldleaveamanwhotreatedher sowell?Whowouldbesoheartlesstothrowtwoyears awayjustlikethat?Iwassogoodtoherandthisiswhat Igetinreturn? IeventuallyfoundthebookNoMoreMr.NiceGuyand realizedIhadbeenlyingtomyselfforyears.Iwas anythingbutniceinmyrelationships.Iwasemotionally manipulative,insecure,andadownrightasshole. Thetruthisthatmostniceguysdontthinktheyredoinganythingwrong.Foryearsthey struggletoattractwomenandwhentheyfinallydateone,theyenduplosingherdowntheline. Theyeitherkeepfollowingthispathoffrustrationordoa180andtrytobecomeadouchebagto havesuccesswithwomen. Imheretotellyouthattheoppositeoftheniceguyisnotajerk,farfromit.Jerkshaveshort termsuccessandaremiserableinlife.Iwanttoshowyouhowtobethebestkindofmanyou canbe:atruegentleman. Readthecontrastinglistsbelowandseewhereyoufall.Trytobeashonestwithyourselfas possible.Understandthatmostlyeveryonewillhaveamixandnothingisabsolute.But,itsa goodreferencetoseewhatyoucanworkon.

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Note:Istumbleduponthisbrilliantpicturewhichinspiredmetowritemyown,updated versionofthis.IcutoutsomestuffIdisagreedwith,addedimportantpoints,and elaboratedonothers.Ifyouknowtheoriginalauthor,pleasecontactmeandIwillgladly givefullcredit. HowtoLiberateYourselfFromLow SelfEsteem

Friends

The Nice Guy:

1. Haslowselfesteem,doesntvaluehimselfhighly.Mightbeoutofpastfailuresorotherdeep rootedemotionalissues. 2. Constantlyseeksapproval,validation,orattentionfromothers,usuallyoutofalowselfworth.

ModernHarpist MuscleClass TheIndieChicks

Careswhateveryoneelsethinksofhim,fearsdisapproval. 3. Insecurewithhimself,doesntfeelthatahighqualityperson(womenespecially)shouldlike him.Heisconstantlyafraidofabandonment. 4. Exhibitscontrolling,possessive,jealous,domineering,clingy,orsuffocatingbehavior.Over texts,overcalls,needstobewiththatperson24/7.Makespeoplefeelguiltywhentheyenjoy timewithouthim. 5. Idealizespotentialmatesandoverlookstheirflawsakaputsthemonapedestal.Doesthe samewithrelationshipsanddevoteslargeamountsofemotion,time,energy,andmoneyearly on. 6. Doesnttakeresponsibilityforhisactions.Neveradmitsfaultandwronglyblamesothers. 7. Claimshesvictimized,attributeshisownflawsandshortcomingstoexternalcircumstances and/orotherpeople. 8. Kissesupandistotallyagreeabletotryandscorepointswithpeople,especiallywomen.Will neverdisagreeforfearofupsettingher.Placeshisneedslastandtriestosatisfyeveryone elsebeforehim. 9. Neverleads,issubmissive,andalwayswantstomakesureeverythinghedoesisokaywith her.Overlyapologeticandsayssorrywhentheresnothingtoapologizefor. 10. Doesntdrawboundaries,giveswomenwhatevertheywantinreturnforlove,sex,or approval.Acceptssecondclassbehaviorforthepossiblerewardoftheaforementioned. Doesntsaynoevenwhenheknowsitstherightthingtodo. 11. Oftenhideshistruefeelingsandbottlesthemupinside.Afraidtospeakhismindandmaylie oromitthings. 12. Immatureandthrowstantrumswhenhedoesntgethisway.Lackssocialetiquetteand awareness. 13. Displayspoor/weakbodylanguage.Makeslittleornoeyecontact,leansforwardoutof nervousness,andhasfast/jerkymovements.Possessesnervousticks/fidgetyhabits,keeps handsinhispockets,exhibitsbadposture,anddoesntstandupstraight. 14. Iseasilyemotionallydestabilized,getsworkedupovermeaninglessthings.Loseshiscool andhasoutburstsofanger. 15. Constantlyusesselfdeprecatinghumortogetapproval,sympathy,orpity. 16. Feelsguiltyforhisnaturalsexualdesires,evenforsimplylookingatawoman.Represseshis sexualityandendsupinthefriendzone.Getsfrustrated,angry,andmisogynistictowards womenbecauseofit. 17. Whinesandcomplains,usuallytogetpityorsympathy.Hasanegativeattitudeandacynical outlookonlife. 18. Favorsinstantgratificationandshortsightedthinking.Hesnotwillingtoputintheeffortor dedicationneededtoaccomplishtasks.Doesnotgivecredittowhatothersachieveand thinkshecouldeasilydoitbetterthanthem. 19. Feelstheneedtocompensateforhimselfthroughgiftsorexpensiverestaurants.Needsto provehisworthbyshowinghismoneyorstatusearlyon. 20. Alwayshasstringsattachedormotivesforbeinggenerousordoingfavors.Expects somethinginreturnandgetsangryorguilttripswhenitdoesnthappenexhibitsmanipulative behavior. 21. Judgespeoplebasedonexternalfactorssuchasappearanceormaterialitems. 22. Seeswomenprimarilyassexualobjects.Hismaingoalistohavesexwiththemanddoesnot careoractuallylisten. 23. Dependent,needsawomantofeelhappyorfulfilledinlife.Hatesbeingaloneandwilljumpinto relationshipsthatarenotrightforhimjusttobewithsomeone. Theniceguyisthepersonificationoftheattributesinamanthatwomenultimatelydonotfeel attractedto.

TheProfessionalWingman

The Real Man:

1. Hashighselfesteem,considershimselfvaluableandworthy,acatch. 2. Enjoysthecompanyofothersbutdoesnotseektheirapprovalorattentiontobehappy. Doesntletpeoplesopinionsemotionallydestabilizehim. 3. Isselfconfidentandneverarrogantorinsecure.Possiblyslightlycockyandmaytease womeninafriendlyway.Believeshesagreatpersonthatpeoplewilllovetobearound. 4. Understandspersonalfreedomandboundaries.Doesntexperienceunnecessaryjealousy encouragesawomantoexerciseherindependence. 5. Appreciatesthequalitiesinpotentialmatesbutdoesnotoverromanticizethem.Takesnew relationshipsdaybydayandletsthemgrownaturally.Doesntinvestallhisemotions,time,or moneyintoarelationshiptoosoonandremainsachallenge. 6. Takesresponsibilityforallhisactionsandrealizeswhenhesdonesomethingwrong.Hesnot afraidtoapologizeanddoesnttakeitoutonothers. 7. Acceptshisflawsanddoesnotmakeexcusesforthem.Workstoactivelyimproveandfix themratherthancomplain. 8. Willagreewhenhelegitimatelyagreesbuthashisownthoughtsandvalues.Hestandsupfor themwithoutbeingargumentativeorcausingascene.Makesfulfillinghisneedsapriority beforetryingtosatisfyeveryoneelses. 9. Isntafraidtoleadandtakecontrolofasituation.Doesnthesitatetomoveforward,butis willingtoletotherstakechargeifneeded.Hisapologiesaremeaningfulbecausetheyreused sincerelyandwhennecessary. 10. Understandshisboundariesanddoesnttoleratedisrespecttohimself,hisproperty,orhis time.Doesntletwomenusetheirsexualpowertogetanything(whetheritbemoneyorself respect)fromhim.Notafraidtoputsomeoneintheirplacewhentheyareoutofline. 11. Canbebrutallyhonest(whilestillbeingrespectful)witheveryone,includinghimself.Isntafraid tospeakhismind. 12. Matureineverysenseoftheword.Compromises,respectssocialetiquette,andisawareof otherpeople. 13. Displaysstrong,confidentbodylanguage.Holdsgoodeyecontact,standstallwithhis shouldersbackandarmsopen.Hemovesdeliberatelywithpurposeandspeakswithaclear, confidentvoice. 14. Isincontrolofhisemotions,doesntletmeaninglessissuesbotherhim.Stayscalmunder pressureanddoesntlashoutagainstothers. 15. Makespeoplelaughwithoutalwaysresortingtotearinghimselfdown. 16. Neverfeelsashamedforhissexualdesiresandneeds.Alwayssexuallyconfident.Showshis intentionswhilegeneratingattractionandsexualchemistrywiththeoppositesex.Loves womenandhasnoillfeelingstowardsthem. 17. Doesntfeeltheneedtocomplainforattentionorsympathy.Acceptstheworldasitiswhile keepingapositiveattitude. 18. Goalorientedthinker,favorslongtermgratificationovershort.Hasapurposeinlifeand proactivelyworkstowardsit.Challengeshimselfregularlytoachievewhathewantsoutoflife. Enjoysitwhenothersshineandisinspiredbytheiraccomplishments. 19. Enjoysgivinggiftsandsharingexpensivemealsoutofconfidence,highvalue,andbecause hegenuinelywantsto.Doesnttrytobuyagirlsaffectionearlyon. 20. Isgenerousoutofthekindnessofhisheart.Doesnotexpectanythinginreturnandishappy tosharevalue. 21. Judgespeoplebasedonmeaningfulinternalqualitiessuchascharacterandpersonality. 22. Seeswomenashumanbeingsandwantstogenuinelyconnectwiththem,evenifitsacasual hookup.Iscompassionate. 23. Isproudlyindependentandperfectlyhappybeingsingle.Sure,hedliketofindan attractive/beautiful/intelligentwomantospendtimewith,buthedoesntneedit.

Therealmanisthepolaroppositeoftheniceguy.Heisthemanifestationoftraitsinamanthat womenuniversallyandnaturallyfeelattractedto. Thisisthemanwomenaretalkingaboutwhentheysay,IwishIcouldjustmeetaniceguy. Sowhoareyougoingtobe? Haveafree60minutesessionwithme. AndifyoureinBoston,joinourawesomemeetupgroup!

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Dansays:
April5,2012at7:40pm

Greatarticle.IjustfinishedreadingNoMoreMr.NiceGuyacoupledaysago,reallygood book.ImstillnotreallysurewhichcategoryIfallinto.Itslikehalfofeachlistappliestome. Reply

NickNotas says:
April5,2012at9:11pm

Thanks!Yeah,beforeIreadNMMNGIwassplitaboutabout50/50aswell.Its takenmeyearstogetcompletelyonthesecondlist. Reply

Megansays:
April6,2012at1:03pm

Ohwow,Irecognizealotoftheniceguyqualitiesfrommyexbf.Idefinitelygetfrustrated whenIknowaguysintomebuthedoesntdoanythingaboutit. Reply

NickNotas says:
April6,2012at2:04pm

Nowyouknowexactlywhatredflagstolookforinthenextguyyoupotentiallydate Iveknownmanygirlswhomovedonfromaguytheylikedbecausehedidntmake amove.ThatswhyIalwaysencouragementotakethechance! Reply

typicalsays:
April6,2012at8:22pm

Ifyouknowaguyisinterested,insteadofbeingfrustratedathisinaction,whydont youmakethefirstmove? Reply

Adamsays:
August8,2012at8:25pm

Exactly!Icannevertellwhenagirlisintome,soIgetfriendzoned constantly. Reply

Jessabesays:
April7,2012at5:56am

Now,tojustfindtheRealMen! Greatlistthough.Ta! Reply

NickNotas says:
April7,2012at10:06am

Thanks,ittakesabitofsearchingbuttheyreoutthere! Reply

Jessabesays:
April10,2012at7:59am

Afterfurtherdiscussionwithfriends,IthinkyoushouldalsoaddaReal ManvsNiceGuyvsAsshole Reply

NickNotas says:
April10,2012at6:00pm

Haha,Ilikeitthanksfortheidea!Definitelytheniceguyand assholeareoppositeendsofthespectrum.Thatswhythereal manistheperfectbalance Reply

Jay says:
April7,2012at8:59am

IbrokeupwithmyGFyesterdayandIcansaythatIm50/50Butstill,Ithoughtallmy intentionsweregood.GuessIwaswrong. Reply

NickNotas says:
April7,2012at10:11am

Sorrytohearthatman.Ithappenstothebestofus,myselfincluded.Themost importantpartisyourealizedwhatwentwrongandwhatyoucandobetterfornext time.Keepyourheadup Reply

thaicares says:
April10,2012at5:46pm

IammostlyonthefirstlistIguesstypicalniceguymayexplainwhyImnottoluckywiththe ladies.LatelyIhaventcaredsomuchnotsearchingforagirlornotsouncomfortablewithbeing single.EitherwaythishelpsmeseewhereIcanbewrongandImgonnaworkonitforme! Reply

NickNotas says:
April11,2012at10:46am

Thefactthatyouarentbasingyourhappinessonwomenisastepintheright direction.Keepworkingonitman,youllmakebigstrides. Reply

jlewsays:
June7,2012at8:26pm

nowthisistruth 1.Hashighselfesteem,considershimselfvaluableandworthy,acatch. itshardtoinstillthatthoughtinyourbrainwithoutpossessinganyselfdoubtbutthesecondyou candothatyougottheworldbytheballs. Reply

NickNotas says:
June8,2012at5:11pm

Muchofthatcomeswithpracticeandexperience.Themoreyoudevelopyourself andachieveromanticsuccess,youllinternalizethosevalues. Reply

Colinsays:
December10,2012at11:30am

Wow,theniceguyqualitiesdescribemealmosttoowell.Ijustwantedtoleaveacomment somewhereonthesiteexpressinghowgreatthesearticlesare!DefinitelyorderingNoMoreMr. NiceGuy.TimetostartworkingonmyflawssoIcantrytobetherealman,andnotthelonely niceguy.

Reply

NickNotas says:
December10,2012at2:16pm

Theyusedtodescribemeaswell.Aslongasyouputtheeffortin,youcanchange that. Appreciateyoureachingoutandlettingmeknowtheyrehelpingout.ThatswhyI dothis Keepyourheadupandcontinuemovingforward! Reply

TheNiceGuySyndromeBlahBlahBlahsays:
December21,2012at2:10pm

[...]WhatNiceGuysfailtorealizeisthatgirlsdontwanttodateajerk, andwhentheydo,itisaccidentalandnotbecomeofsomeweirddesireto betreatedlikecrap(anddontbringupgirlswhogobacktotheirabusive partnersabuseiscomplicatedandnotrelatedtothis).Theyjustwantto dateguysthataregenuinelynice.Whatwomenreallywantinmenisa wholeothertopicwhichIwontpostaboutsinceIlldigressandplus,thisis alreadycirclingtheinterwebs.[...] Reply

jetliisays:
January4,2013at11:02pm

iamverygrateful,thearticleisgoood,nowiwanttochange.frombeingsonice Reply

NickNotas says:
January6,2013at2:29pm

ThanksJet.Wellnowyouknowwhattodo,justneedtostartimplementingit. Reply

Luis says:
January21,2013at11:38pm

Thankyousomuchforthisarticle.Irealizedbytheendof2012thatIwasjerkbutIdidnotknow it,IhiditbytheniceguypersonaandsincethenIvebeentryingtochangethat.Thisarticle justgavememoreconfidence Reply

NickNotas says:
February17,2013at1:21pm

YoureverywelcomeLuis. Itssuchapowerfulrealizationisntit?Happytohearyoureontherighttrack! Reply

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