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Can you recall the last time you had to deal with a negative or difficult person? Or the last time someone said something with the intention of hurting you? How did you handle it? What was the result? What can you do in the future to get through these situations with peace and grace?
No matter where we go, we will face people who are negative, people who oppose our ideas, people who piss us off or people who simply do not like us. There are 6.4 billion people out there and conflict is a fact of life. This fact isnt the cause of conflict but it is the trigger to our emotions and our emotions are what drive us back to our most basic survival instinct; react and attack back to defend ourselves. In these instinctual moments, we may lose track of our higher selves and become the human animal with an urge to protect ourselves when attacked. This too is natural.
However, we are the only animal blessed with intelligence and having the ability to control our responses. So how can we do that? I regularly get asked How do you deal with the negative comments about your articles? They are brutal. I dont think I could handle them. My answer is simple, I dont let it bother me to begin with. It wasnt always this simple, and took me some time before overcoming this natural urgency to protect myself and attack back. I know its not easy, if it was easy, there wouldnt be difficult or negative people to begin with.
often so bored and unhappy with their own lives that they want to take others down with them. There have been many times when a random person has left a purposefully hurtful comment on TSN, and regularly checked back to see if anyone else responded to their comment, waiting eagerly to respond with more negativity.
psychologically compelled to defend ourselves going forward. Have you noticed that the angrier our thoughts become, the angrier we become? Its a negative downward spiral.
5. Waste of Energy
Where attention goes, energy flows. What we focus on tends to expand itself. Since we can only focus on one thing at a time, energy spent on negativity is energy that could have been spent on our personal wellbeing.
6. Negativity Spreads
Ive found that once I allow negativity in one area of my life, it starts to subtly bleed into other areas as well. When we are in a negative state or holding a grudge against someone, we dont feel very good. We carry that energy with us as we go about our day. When we dont feel very good, we lose sight of clarity and may react unconsciously to matters in other areas of our lives, unnecessarily.
7. Freedom of Speech
People are as entitled to their opinions as you are. Allow them to express how they feel and let it be. Remember that its all relative and a matter of perspective. What we consider positive can be perceived by another as negative. When we react, it becomes me-versus-you, who is right? Some people may have a less than eloquent way of expressing themselves it may even be offensive, but
they are still entitled to do so. They have the right to express their own opinions and we have the right and will power to choose our responses. We can choose peace or we can choose conflict.
Here are some tips for dealing with a difficult person or negative message:
1. Forgive
What would the Dali Lama do if he was in the situation? He would most likely forgive. Remember that at our very core, we are good, but our judgment becomes clouded and we may say hurtful things. Ask yourself, What is it about this situation or person that I can seek to understand and forgive?
2. Wait it Out
Sometimes I feel compelled to instantly send an email defending myself. Ive learned that emotionally charged emails never get us the result we want; they only add oil to the fire. What is helpful is inserting time to allow ourselves to cool off. You can write the emotionally charged email to the person, just dont send it off. Wait until youve cooled off before responding, if you choose to respond at all.
4. Dont Respond
Many times when a person initiates a negative message or difficult attitude, they are trying to trigger a response from you. When we react, we are actually giving them what they want. Lets stop the cycle of negative snowballing and sell them short on what theyre looking for; dont bother responding.
6. Be In Their Shoes
As clich as this may sound, we tend to forget that we become blind-sided in the situation. Try putting yourself in their position and consider how you may have hurt their feelings. This understanding will give you a new perspective on becoming rational again, and may help you develop compassion for the other person.
identifying with emotions and thoughts, bring your focus on your breathe.
If I do not respond, what is the worst thing that can result from it?
2.
If I do respond, what is the worst thing that can result from it?
Answering these questions often adds perspectives to the situation, and youll realize that nothing good will come out of reacting. Your energy will be wasted, and your inner space disturbed.
discussion is necessary, wait until everyone has cooled off before diving into one.
15. Express It
Take out some scrap paper and dump all the random and negative thoughts out of you by writing freely without editing. Continue to do so until you have nothing else to say. Now, roll the paper up into a ball, close your eyes and visualize that all the negative energy is now inside that paper ball. Toss the paper ball in the trash. Let it go! ** How do you deal with difficult people? What has worked well for you in the past? How do you cool down when youre all fired up and angry? Share your thoughts in the comments. See you there!
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