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Acquiring the taste of life:

A Personal Perspective On Eating Disorders & Recovery


Written By: Jessica Pierce

Eating disorders are perhaps the most cunning, baffling, yet intriguing psychological disorders
that plague society, past and present. They are also one of the most devastating, exhausting, and
misunderstood. Those who struggle, all too often spend more time on the therapist couch, then their
own. Treatment centers and hospitals become a way of life, rather then a way to life.
My name is Jessica, and I am 27 years old. I struggled with an eating disorder, and other self
destructive coping mechanisms, for over a decade. I am a Renfrew Alumni, and, ironically, also an ex
eating disorder treatment professional [Mental Health Technician]. Professionally speaking, for three
years I worked at a residential facility that specialized in the treatment of eating disorders and
substance abuse. Being on the other side of the treatment process, was a very interesting experience,
one which taught me more about myself, recovery, and life, then I could have ever anticipated. This
experience played one of the biggest roles in the triumph over my own eating disorder, as I had to
ultimately resign from my job due relapsing and struggling in secret. As a result of this uncomfortable
situation, I learned the lesson of a lifetime: a lesson on boundaries and humility. From a personal
perspective, during my struggle toward and throughout recovery, I had just about seen, heard, and done
it all. Inpatient, residential, outpatient, intensive outpatient, support groups, retreats, therapy,
psychiatrists, medications, dietitians, hospitals, complimentary therapies, and self help. I hit many
peaks in recovery, and seemed to be doing great. However, inevitably, I always crashed, and things
continued to get worse. Eventually motivation became exhaustion, not only for me, but for my family
and my treatment team. At 23 years young, I left a job I loved [at the treatment center], filed
bankruptcy, and went on social security disability. Well past frustration, I felt suffocated by a cloak of
guilt and shame. I felt hopeless, my family felt helpless, and my highly dedicated, qualified treatment
team seemed to be running out of approaches to use with me. There is truth behind the ever-so-
popular proverb, “You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make it drink.”
Today, over 3 years later, I have gone from disabled to differently abled, and my only
interaction with eating disorders [ED] is from an objective standpoint. I am thriving for perhaps the
first time ever, and I have recovered from a disease that at one point seemed, and was explained (by
some), as an unrealistic feat. When asked if I was interested in writing this article, I felt both
privileged and uncertain. While I have done a great deal of writing for eating disorder awareness and
prevention, I have never done so for a solely professional audience. Having this opportunity to share
with you, is not only an indescribable honor, but probably one of the most empowering ways I could
“use my voice”. I only hope that my thoughts and experiences can shed some inner light on a subject
that outwardly reflects darkness.
Speaking from both sides of the treatment process, therapy in any form is a multifarious
venture. The therapeutic process specifically for individuals with eating disorders is especially
complex. Treatment is about resuscitating entire familial patterns, even if the family is not able or
willing to be present. The therapeutic dynamic is about recognizing and healing false belief systems,
while addressing and attempting to reverse a compromising and potentially fatal disease. Furthermore,
understanding the dynamic of eating disorders, and recovery from them, is the best resource one can
have during the process of recovery. Sadly, this is a resource that, often times, only further complicates
an already complicated situation. So, why is such a readily available and cost free resource, also a
potentially toxic one? Simply put, recovery is one of the few processes in life where there is little to no
room for the fine line that separates understanding the process, for how the process really is, and
understanding the process for how one perceives the process to be. In example, as I recall my own
recovery journey, I whole heartedly believe the dynamic of the recovery process was significantly
misunderstood by those closest to me. As a result, I felt my process [and progress] was infringed upon.
At the beginning, treatment for my eating disorder was honored as a necessary and beneficial
component in my recovery, and I was encouraged and supported along the way; The alliance formed
between my treatment team, my support network, and myself, was ultimately reflected on my progress
[how ever obvious or subtle]. As time passed, though, my progress remained both somewhat
unpredictable and unsettled. Therapy, [and other recovery-oriented activities], was no longer viewed as
necessary or beneficial. In fact, it was expressed [by family] as being “a luxury”, more specifically, “a
luxury I could not afford”. In turn, the alliance between my treatment team, my family, and I, began to
fracture; from there, a whirlwind of emotion surfaced, perpetuating the very cycle that we were trying
to break. Clearly, this is only one example of the variety of hurdles that can arise during the recovery
process, and core issues range and trigger differently, from person to person. With that being said,
considering the fact that treatment is encompassing, I tread lightly in saying that eating disordered
individuals are among the most exhausting clientèle there is.
In addition to the many intricacies of the recovery process, further complexity lies within
treating personality fragments, as both individual parts and as parts of a greater whole. For example,
more times than not, eating disorders are accompanied by a variety of emotional/mental disturbances.
While these emotional obstacles may pose an overall threat to any type of client, recognizing and
treating such disturbances specifically in regards to the eating disorder client, is an enigmatic task.
After all, to what extent, are such conditions an integral part of one’s psyche, and to what extent,
merely a physiological adjunct to having an eating disorder? Furthermore, if a person develops an
eating disorder early on, thus interrupting the normal biological stages of development, how can an
accurate assessment of one’s personality be formulated at all? I have seen, and experienced, the
ramifications that stem from this seemingly straightforward notion. During my own recovery, I had
acquired an embarrassingly long list of psychiatric diagnoses and disorders, many of which were
classified as mental illness. My symptoms ranged from mild to severe, and with that, I was given little
hope of complete recovery from my eating disorder and other self destructive behaviors. Also, being
that mental illness runs in my family, and at that time I was exhibiting some eerily similar symptoms,
my overall prognosis was far from promising. Interestingly enough, when I was able to maintain
stronger periods of recovery from my eating disorder, my mental health improved dramatically. On
the other hand, when those periods of recovery were followed by agonizing relapse, the emotional
disturbances returned with a vengeance. Today, my mental health bares no resemblance to how it was
prior to recovery. In fact, it is quite dumfounding, partially amusing, and overall bittersweet to even
compare the mental instability I experienced then, to the mental solidity I presently experience.
Having at one time been explained that life would be “symptom management”, at best, yet having lived
and experienced complete freedom for several years, it saddens me how many [false] restrictions were
put on the possibilities of my own recovery, and to further dismay, how prevalent the constraints on
recovery, generally are [as a society].
As I’ve clearly established, there are very few constants that remain uniform throughout
recovery. The one consistency, I believe, is an abstract derivative of a basic human principle: What
works for one person, may prove toxic to another. Despite the many similarities shared between
clients and their presenting issues, the one differing factor may be the most influential of components
in the recovery process. I have had experience with all genres of therapy, ranging from traditional
cognitive behavioral therapy to less traditional experiential and expressive therapies. I have witnessed
and experienced on countless occasions how one type of therapy may work wonders in one client, but
with the next client it may not be so successful; Or how as a person grows with their process, their
therapeutic needs change along the way, and treatment may need to be adjusted accordingly.
Nevertheless, it is important to realize that while recovery is a process, recovery is not the
process. Just as treatment is the cornerstone to recovery, recovery is the cornerstone to a productive
and fulfilling life [without ED]. In hindsight, I realize how easy it was to get lost in the process of
recovery, and how that ultimately blinded me to the reality of life. This served as both a pleasant
surprise and a rude awakening. After taking a brief hiatus from therapy, I returned with a different
purpose. Being in therapy under such different circumstances has opened way to understanding the
similarities [and differences] between the process of recovery and the process of life. In one way or
another, therapy and treatment had always had some affiliation with my eating disorder. Even well into
recovery, and well into being completely symptom free, the distinction between living life after having
an eating disorder, and just living life [period], was a very hard distinction to make. Understanding and
living according to the notion that recovery and life are parallel, not to be confused with
interchangeable, is both a cathartic and humbling experience. I am ultimately reminded of this
whenever I am asked about my own eating disorder and latter recovery process, to which I respond
“I was held captive by my eating disorder for almost four years; I was completely and totally at
ED’s mercy. I took a chance on recovery, and the six grueling years thereafter were spent in one battle
after another, in attempts to claim my life. However, it only took the last two years of battle to win the
war. Now that the battles have been fought, and the war has been won, it’s about maintaining the peace
as a civilian.”
On one last note, there is no doubt that one of the greatest insights pertaining to recovery resides
not in what is said. Rather, one of the greatest insights resides in when and how what is said, is heard.
The timetable for that to occur, is as individual as the individual him/her self.

“ The real voyage of discovery exists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes”
~Marcel Proust~

I currently reside in Houston, Texas and am a first time college student. I plan to obtain my Associates
Degree in Psychology, and continue on for my Bachelor's of Science in Business Communication. I
work as a caregiver for the elderly, and as a booking and promotions agent for a local independent
musician, and have hopes of becoming an entrepreneur. I remain dedicated to eating disorder
awareness and prevention, and am involved in the You Are Not Alone Book Projects
www.youarenotalonebook.com . You can reach me via email at: youarenotalonebook@gmail.com

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