The Righteous Call for Zero Tolerance (in matters of Punctuation) From the ranks of the writers and

editors of Great Britain, the home of the language so essential to global communication in these days of the World Wide Web, a reformer nay, a prophet has arisen. She has seen the plight that has befallen that once great language, and she has taken it upon herself to educate the masses, to raise them from their state of ignorance and indifference, and to lead them to the light of proper punctuation and grammar. This woman has seen the horrors of the lowering of standards in punctuation. She has endured the gasp of horror [and] quickening of the pulse that we should all experience upon seeing CDs, DVDs and Books for sale. She will not tolerate any more of this ignorance and she has called upon those of us of a like mind to rise up. To our brothers and sisters who hear our plight, let your inner stickler awaken! Feel its pr ofound and unignorable stirring! Speak up and let these sinners against proper punctuation know that those of us who have been enlightened can see the error of their ways. Let them know that the punishment for their errors will be swift and just! There may be some of you here who have experienced this punishment firsthand. Our fellow sticklers who reside in the internet are quick to spot your sins, and you have seen how quick and cutting their righteous urge to correct can be. A careless slip of your fingers on the keyboard, using youre instead of your or its instead of its and confusing your their, there, and theyre and they will bring down their wrath upon you. There is no end to the condemnation you will face should you commit these mistakes. Your name will be tainted evermore as one who is ignorant and slapdash in their use of that great language.

Yes, the sticklers condemnation is righteous. There are th e gifted few among us who are permitted to use punctuation however they desire (e.e. cummings and Emily Dickinson have been awarded that honor), but for the rest of you, there is no excuse! These punctuation marks serve a high and noble purpose. These marks, however insignificant they may seem, hold our language together. These unassuming marks point us towards a true comprehension of strings of words and letters. They serve as guides that lead the way to a higher understanding not only of language, but also of our universe, our very existence! Wrong use of these marks can and will lead you and those around you to sin. As our great prophet has shown in her book, a simple comma could mean the difference between My son, if sinners entice thee consent thou not, refraining thy foot from their way and My son, if sinners entice thee consent thou, not r efraining thy foot from their way. Will you lead your fellow men to sin? Brothers and sisters, listen not to the naysayers who claim that grammar, spelling, and punctuation are less important than self expression for they are leading you astray. Repent, and see the error in your words. For without this holy triad, your attempts at self expression are meaningless! And yet, do not be afraid if you are as yet ignorant of the finer laws of that great language, for we will give our time to educate you. We do not only condemn; we also lead people away from the darkness of ignorance and into the light of education. There is time to learn yet, and it is right and just that you should learn. But for those among you who have been given time to learn, those of you who have been thoroughly educated and yet choose to remain careless and ignorant in matters of grammar and punctuation, be always on your guard for our eternal condemnation awaits you. Know this: those of us who follow the laws of grammar and punctuation shall be ever present. As our great prophet has shown in her sacred book, the sticklers anger will inevitably give way to a righteous urge to correct your errors in whatever way we see fit.

Source text: Truss, Lynne. Eats, Shoots & Leaves. New York: Gotham Books, 2003.