The Doctor in Spite of Himself (1st ed. - 08.04.

08) - doctorinspiteofhimselfCjr
Copyright 2008 Timothy Mooney
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4
Dramatis Personae
GERONTE, father of Lucinde
LUCINDE, daughter of Geronte
LEANDRE, in love with Lucinde
SGANARELLE, husband of Martine
MARTINE, wife of Sganarelle
MONSIEUR ROBERT, neighbor of Sganarelle
VALERE, steward to Geronte
LUCAS, husband of Jacqueline
JACQUELINE, wet nurse in Gerontes house, and wife of Lucas
THIBAUT, a peasant
PERRIN, his son

Scenes
Act I: A wood
Act II: A room in Gerontes house
Act III: Gerontes garden

About the Play
In his assault on the medical profession, what really interested
Molire were not the specific details of medical treatment, so much
as the bureaucratic structures and arrogant attitudes which would
institutionalize bad medical practice.
In his depictions, we find doctors sworn to uphold the practices of
the ancients, blindly following the medical traditions that had
been handed down from the time of Aristotle and Hippocrates.
Doctors who pushed the boundaries of long-accepted medical
practice were ostracized from the medical community and denied
advancement within the profession. As such, some easily-proven
medical discoveries, such as the circulation of the blood, were sup-

5
pressed by the medical community long after they had been estab-
lished.
The formula for The Doctor In Spite of Himself is simple. The ignorant
peasant finds himself elevated to a position of authority, and no-
body notices the difference. Through the simple manipulation of a
series of obtuse phrases and convoluted logic, the pretender is in-
distinguishable from the real thing. Molire was once again to de-
pict a Sganarelle, this one a peasant woodcutter who is inter-
rupted in the course of beating his wife amid an argument. His wife
takes vengeance upon him by telling two passers-by that Sganarelle
is a doctor, but that the only way to get him to admit to his high
medical position is to beat him soundly. After a thorough beating,
Sganarelle is ready to admit to being anything that the men want
him to be, and is surprised to find himself elevated to the role of
doctor. Suddenly, people attend to his every word, they respond to
his suggestions and requests, and will enthusiastically give them-
selves over to his indiscreet examination. In short, the ignorant
peasant gets to live the life of the high-living playboy.
Just as the peasant is indistinguishable from the doctor, so are the
sick indistinguishable from the healthy. The daughter, Lucinde, has
pretended that she has lost the capacity to speak in order to delay
her marriage to the man to whom her father has promised her in
marriage. And so, with two frauds at the heart of his action, Molire
is free to improvise wildly, exploiting a comic situation for all it is
worth.
Ultimately, Sganarelles deceit comes back to haunt him. When the
girl runs off with the boyfriend (whom Sganarelle has disguised as
the apothecary), the father prepares to take revenge. Sganarelles
wife returns to the scene just in time, not to save him, but to glee-
fully witness his hanging. As with most Molire comedies, an auda-
cious coincidence rules the conclusion. In a moment of stricken con-
science, the boyfriend decides that he cannot steal the girl by trick-
ery, and returns to the scene to restore the daughter to her father.
By wild stroke of fortune, however, the boy finds that his uncle has
died, and has left him his estate. The father is immediately struck
with the notion of just what a wonderful son-in-law the boy would
be.

6
In Production
As with my other Molire play variations, The Doctor in Spite of
Himself is rendered into rhymed English verse, even though, in this
instance, Molires original was a work of prose.
This feels more like Molire to me. It gives an elevated, formal
feeling to the dialogue, which makes for a sometimes startling con-
trast to the very earthy, lowest-common-denominator humor of
which Molire was a master. It heightens the speaking, encouraging
the performer to articulate clearly and make distinct performance
choices, while encouraging the audience to lean in ever-so-slightly,
to catch the pending punchline that awaits with each surprising
rhyme. It also forces me, the adaptor, to choose my syllables very
carefully, layering on as many levels of meaning as I might.
We forget that the people of the past were once as vital, playful,
buoyant, hilarious and even risqu as our own modern selves.
Again and again, Molire was repudiated by his highbrow contem-
poraries every bit as much as our most audacious, envelope-push-
ing modern comedians.
This lies in direct contrast to our most common assumptions of
Molire, assumptions often built through stale production and un-
threatening translation. We assume that characters who are bound
by corsets, tights, waistcoats and wigs are similarly bound beneath
formal attitudes and unthreatening wordplay. And when we find
Molire trending away from the (assumed) bloodless drawing room
comedy, we resist and rework, draining much of the visceral, pas-
sionate, ribald by-play from the action.
The temptation with Doctor in Spite of Himself is to reframe Molire
to fit the modern notion of acceptable behavior.
Doctor opens with a man beating his wife. We frown on wife-beat-
ing these days, as well we should. But any attempt to clean up
Molires clear failure to anticipate the pendulum of political cor-
rectness does damage to the action, as Martines motivation for re-
venge (where she gives back out what she was given, with quite a
bit of interest) lies in that very beating.
1
Likewise, attempts to make

1
Which is not to say that this beating cannot be stylized with a device such as
a slap-stick.

7
nice with Sganarelles lechery toward the nursemaid deflates some
of the biggest belly laughs of the show.
I have endeavored to match the belly laughs of the action with hu-
mor that also tickles the brain with fun juxtapositions of words and
ideas. And as always, my advice to the players is to lead with the
language, making sure each ornate phrasing can be understood. I
have often argued that the greatest failing of modern performers
lies in their inability to be seen and be heard, and a brief interview
with any regular theatre-goer will affirm this thesis.
With the fear of being unable to understand lifted from their shoul-
ders, the audience can sit back and appreciate playful twists of
characterization, comic movement, and directorial inventiveness.
When in doubt about the intended inflection of a passage, it is al-
most always valuable to scan the line for its rhythm. Often, this will
make the nature of certain choices evident. I have made some per-
sonal choices about the inflection of particular words and, espe-
cially, the inflection of names, which are evident in the light of the
demands of iambic pentameter, as well as particular rhyming
words with which some names are paired.
None of this is to suggest that we hammer home the rhythm of the
meter with relentless, unflinching, repeating stress or, worse, a sing-
song rhyme stopping each line dead, so much as to suggest that one
reading of a line will feel better than another. Picking up cues,
especially in the shared lines with multiple characters contribut-
ing individual words to a single metric line of dialogue is almost
always to be desired. When two characters mesh to contribute to a
single theatrical muse, the action immediately elevates.
In signing on for the game of a play that is written in verse, the au-
dience will listen to hear just how we play by that games rules,
gain satisfaction in seeing those rules employed and be rewarded
for their focused attention, surprised and delighted with tiny pay-
offs scattered throughout the text.
Have fun!
Timothy Mooney

8
Acknowledgments
The Doctor in Spite of Himself was originally presented by the Stage
Two Theatre Company, in Deerfield, Illinois. The director was
Anna Bahow. The stage manager was Richard V. French. Costumes
were designed by Calvin Lunsford, with assistance from Laura
Schade and Louise Powell. The cast was as follows:
GERONTE.................................................. Gary Grenholm
LUCINDE.................................................Lindsey Diedrich
LEANDRE....................................................... Rocky Russo
SGANARELLE ............................................... Tim Mooney
MARTINE ........................................................Lisa Beacom
MONSIEUR ROBERT...................................... Kurt Bloom
VALERE.......................................................Dru Kuperman
LUCAS.............................................................. Ed Krysotek
JACQUELINE.................................................. Pam Dickler
THIBAUT .......................................................... Kurt Bloom
PERRIN...........................................................P.J. Jenkinson

In 2006, The Doctor in Spite of Himself was presented by the Fintry
Amateur Dramatic Society of Fintry, Scotland, where it won first
place in the Stirling District Community Drama Festival, and first
place in the Southeastern Scotland Regional Community Drama
Festival, and went on to place third in the Scottish Community
Drama Association National Festival in Pitlochry, Scotland. That
production was directed by Martin Turner, with Lorna Flisch as
stage manager. The cast included John Steel, Gerry Eckersley,
Robert McLaren, Andy Barr, Ian Turner, Rosellen Dick, Iain Howie,
Laura Pearson and Andrew Lindsay.
11
THE DOCTOR IN SPITE OF HIMSELF
adapted by Timothy Mooney
BASED ON THE PLAY BY MOLIRE

ACT I
Scene 1
(A wood.)
(SGANARELLE, MARTINE, arguing:)
SGANARELLE.
No, I will be the one to give the orders;
Its my home and Im king within its borders!
MARTINE.
No, you obey your wifes most worthy will;
Of foolish, oafish tricks Ive had my fill!
When I said Id be yours throughout this life
SGANARELLE.
Ah, what a curse, to be wed to a wife!
How better a companion is the bottle!
Or, as espoused by our great Aristotle,
To take a wifes to take the very devil!
MARTINE.
Ah, now he sits on Aristotles level!
How clever
SGANARELLE.
True, its just a pity its
My job thats oft performed by idiots;
Show me another woodcutter with reason,
Whose mouth should open not just to let fleas in,
Who spent six years in service of a doctor,
Or learned his Latin grammar with no proctor!
MARTINE.
A plague upon the fool!
Timothy Mooney



12
SGANARELLE.
You stupid jade!
MARTINE.
I curse the day my mouth rebelled and strayed;
As if, of torment, Id not got my fill,
I foolishly spoke up to say I will!
SGANARELLE.
And I should curse the notary, that sap,
Who sprung upon me this most wicked trap
By forcing me to sign that wretched pact
Exposing me to be suborned, attacked!
MARTINE.
Oh, youve got lots of reasons to complain
Of one who taxes your most worthy brain!
You ought to get down on your wretched knees;
Thank Heaven you might win a wife to please
You so, despite your negligible worth!
SGANARELLE.
Oh, you were born so far above my birth!
You did me too much honor, elevated
Me high above my station to have mated
A one who might but hope to be placated,
As wedding night was quickly consummated.
I wondered how youI had better stop.
MARTINE.
No, please. Go on.
SGANARELLE.
Ill not be such a sop.
There are some things Id simply best not know,
And places Id be blessed just not to go.
Let it suffice, in finding me, youve lucked.
MARTINE.
I think you mean to say Im ratherstucked,
Without the slightest chance of restitution;
The dog demeans his wife to destitution
While eating us out of each hard-earned sou!
The Doctor in Spite of Himself



13
SGANARELLE.
Thats false! You know, I drink some of it too!
MARTINE.
He sells each stick we own out from beneath
SGANARELLE.
They cannot, thus, be stolen by some thief!
MARTINE.
And sold my bed, somewhat to my surprise
SGANARELLE.
To make it easier for you to rise!
MARTINE.
Weve not a piece of furniture about!
SGANARELLE.
To simplify when we are moving out!
MARTINE.
He spends each day in gambling and in drinking
SGANARELLE.
Diverting me from brooding and from thinking
MARTINE.
The family? How shall I entertain?
SGANARELLE.
Howeer you please.
MARTINE.
Oh, thats a tiny strain!
With children on my hands, I cant ignore
SGANARELLE.
Well, why not set them down upon the floor?
MARTINE.
They cry out for some bread, or just a sip
SGANARELLE.
You ought to let them taste their fathers whip!
For once my guts are filled with what I brew them,
Then everyone should get whats coming to them.
Timothy Mooney



14
MARTINE.
And just how long do you suppose, you sot,
I might accept this fate to be my lot?
SGANARELLE.
Now, wife, lets just keep all of this in hand.
MARTINE.
How long do you imagine I might stand
For rude attacks and foul dissipation?
SGANARELLE.
Be quiet, wife! Dont lead me to temptation!
MARTINE.
Ill teach you your responsibility!
SGANARELLE.
Dont minimize my arms ability!
My patience is not known as my best trait.
MARTINE.
Your empty threats are but an idle prate!
SGANARELLE.
Ah, woman, wife, my dearest better half:
Youre asking for a piece of my strong staff.
MARTINE.
Your staff is neither strong, nor hard, nor fast,
Fixed as it is: perpetual half-mast.
SGANARELLE.
Youre truly asking for it, wifey, dear.
MARTINE.
You think your drunken rant provokes some fear?
SGANARELLE.
Your tune will change when I might box your ear!
MARTINE.
Your knocks will never come the least bit near.
SGANARELLE.
Ill tan your hide!
The Doctor in Spite of Himself



15
MARTINE.
You lush!
SGANARELLE.
Ill fix your face!
MARTINE.
A drunk!
SGANARELLE.
I mean it!
MARTINE.
Sponge!
SGANARELLE.
Youll know your place!
MARTINE.
You are a coward! Dog! A wretch, in brief:
A filthy, squalid, putrid, whoreson, thief!
SGANARELLE. (Picking up stick and beating her:)
So, thats the way you want it
MARTINE.
Ow, ow! Ow!
SGANARELLE.
So lets hear what you have to tell me now!

ACT I
Scene 2
(SGANARELLE, MARTINE, MONSIEUR ROBERT.)
ROBERT.
Hello! Hello! Good sir! Whats this about?
Disgraceful! Giving woman such a clout!
The devil! To administer such beating!
MARTINE.
And what if I should like this kind of treating?
Timothy Mooney



16
ROBERT.
Well, if thats so, then I defer to you.
MARTINE.
Why stick your nose in?
ROBERT.
I prefer the view
MARTINE.
Is it your business?
ROBERT.
No, not in the least.
MARTINE.
Impertinence! To have us thus policed!
To interrupt when husbands beat their wives!
Oh, such presumption!
ROBERT.
I apologize.
MARTINE.
What has all this to do with you?
ROBERT.
Theres naught
MARTINE.
What right have you to censure how we fought?
ROBERT.
I dont
MARTINE.
So mind your own
ROBERT.
I will not say
Another word.
MARTINE.
I like being beat this way.
ROBERT.
Thats fine.
The Doctor in Spite of Himself



17
MARTINE.
It isnt hurting you.
ROBERT.
Thats true.
MARTINE. (Slapping him:)
You are a fool to come between us two!
ROBERT. (Crossing to SGANARELLE:)
I beg your pardon, sir; I do trespass.
Its not my business how you treat the lass.
I beg you thrash her to your hearts content.
If you should like, Ill help, with your consent.
SGANARELLE. (Backing ROBERT down:)
I dont like.
ROBERT.
Ah! Well, thats your expertise.
SGANARELLE.
Ill beat, or not, in line with my caprice.
ROBERT.
Good thinking.
SGANARELLE.
She is my wife, after all.
ROBERT.
How true.
SGANARELLE.
You shall not order me! The gall!
ROBERT.
Oh, no! Id never
SGANARELLE.
I dont need your help!
ROBERT.
Of course not!
SGANARELLE.
Such impertinence! You whelp!
Timothy Mooney



18
Remember Cicero, whose fine words linger:
Put not the bark between the tree and finger.
(He beats MONSIEUR ROBERT, chasing him off. Taking MAR-
TINEs hand.)
Enough, then. Lets be friends. Give me your hand.
MARTINE.
What? After all the blows you came to land?
SGANARELLE.
Oh, that was nothing. Come, now, please. Your hand.
MARTINE.
I wont.
SGANARELLE.
Hows that?
MARTINE.
No.
SGANARELLE.
Darling
MARTINE.
You can stand
Upon your head. I will not reconcile.
SGANARELLE.
Come on.
MARTINE.
I wont.
SGANARELLE.
Come, come. No more denial.
MARTINE.
No, Im upset.
SGANARELLE.
Oh, it was no big deal.
MARTINE.
Leave me alone.
The Doctor in Spite of Himself



19
SGANARELLE.
Your hand.
MARTINE.
You are a heel.
SGANARELLE.
All right, then. I am sorry. Will that sate?
MARTINE.
Oh, all right, I forgive you. (Aside:) Just you wait.
SGANARELLE.
You are so silly, stirring such a fuss.
I barely got your hair to slightly muss.
These things arise between two folks in love,
Its nothing which we need be troubled of.
With two like us, an intermittent blow,
Can only make the love between us grow!
Im off to do some cutting. I will fell
A hundred logs to satisfy you well.

ACT I
Scene 3
(MARTINE.)
MARTINE.
Be off with you, you fool. Go off and hack;
While I consider how to get you back.
A wife has means for mates fair retribution.
Another man might give some restitution
Such cuckoldry might manage to befuddle
To him, though, such a message is too subtle.
I need revenge his ignorance cant duck
To pay back for the blows with which he struck.

Timothy Mooney



20
ACT I
Scene 4
(MARTINE, LUCAS, VALERE.)
LUCAS.
A devil of a task we got to do!
I cant see as well ever get it through!
To take this on is but to court disaster!
VALERE.
Cheer up, old man. We must obey the master.
Whats more, we have an interest that his daughter
Should lose this devils sickness that has caught her.
It but postpones her banns to Monsieur Horace,
Whose pockets have been more than somewhat porous.
And though the girl may favor young Leandre,
She must obey where father does command her.
Geronte will not have him as son-in-law
MARTINE.
That beating seems to stick within my craw!
If I could find some fire to fry his fat in
LUCAS.
But do the doctors run shy of their Latin?
What fool idea comes from out his head?
VALERE.
He looks for other paths that he may tread.
He hopes we might a remedy yet trace
By seeking in a less well-traveled place.
MARTINE. (Aside:)
That beating still confounds my fevered brain;
I must find fresh infliction for his pain.
I will not swallow; I will not endure
(She bumps into VALERE and LUCAS.)
Excuse me, sirs. It is my fault, for sure.
I was but thinking of my own distress.
The Doctor in Spite of Himself



21
VALERE.
We have our troubles, too, I dare confess.
We also seek a remedy to find
MARTINE.
Some thing that I might do to ease your mind?
VALERE.
Perhaps. We seek a doctor or a surgeon,
A clever man whos capable of purging
Our masters daughter of a fell condition.
We need a healer, seer, or physician
Who might restore the girls afflicted tongue.
A raft of doctors have prescribed and stung
With remedies, prescriptions and foul potions
And rubbed her with their treatments and their lotions,
And yet, at times one hears of well-read sages
Performing miracles on meager wages,
Or remedies that work where all else fails,
Have you been privy to such novel tales?
MARTINE. (Aside:)
Oh, such a chance, to chafe that foolish louse;
The Lord sends me revenge upon my spouse!
(Aloud:) Good sirs, it seems to be your lucky day;
Your fate seems to have tossed you in my way.
There is a man who lurks in this vicinity
Whos touched by special brand of that divinity.
He has a way with each confound disease.
VALERE.
Oh, tell us where to find him, if you please.
MARTINE.
Hes over in that thicket, cutting wood.
LUCAS.
Hes cutting wood?
VALERE.
Have I misunderstood?
Perhaps you meant to say hes plucking herbs?
Timothy Mooney



22
MARTINE.
No, sir. Im well aware of all my verbs.
He is a most extraordinary chap;
But keeps bizarre ideas neath his cap.
He loves to work up to a stinking sweat,
And things you think he knows, he will forget.
Although hes known as greatest of our sages,
He goes around in outfits most outrageous.
He hides his knowledge from the teeming masses,
While often, as a laborer, he passes.
Theres nothing he despises quite so much
As to reveal his secret healing touch.
VALERE.
You know, I hear that men who do great work,
Are often saddled with this sort of quirk.
An eccentricity offsets their gift
MARTINE.
Its worse than that, if you should get my drift.
His oddities are fatuous and fleeting.
You may have to administer a beating
For him to but confess his store of knowledge!
Hell not admit to even passing college
Unless you both should thrash him almost senseless!
Thats how we counter his disturbed defenses.
VALERE.
Ive never heard of such an aberration!
MARTINE.
Youll find reward for such a flagellation.
His miracles give many tales to tell.
VALERE.
What is his name?
MARTINE.
They call him Sganarelle.
You cant mistake his moustache or his coat;
A yellow-green with ruff around his throat.
The Doctor in Spite of Himself



23
LUCAS.
A yellow-green? Does he then doctor parrots?
VALERE.
As healer, you are certain of his merits?
MARTINE.
Why, hes worked miracles that would astound;
Six months ago, upon the edge of town,
A woman lay surrounded by physicians,
Each certifying, with their compositions,
The womans passing, now six hours past
When grieving lover wished to try one last:
He sent a servant to reach Sganarelle,
And after giving him a taste of hell,
The doctor came, administered a taste
Of something that he carried at his waist.
Well, in a flash, the woman rose and spoke,
As though it was a nap from which she woke.
LUCAS.
My word!
VALERE.
He must have given an elixir!
MARTINE.
We never knew just what he did to fix her.
And then there was the child, three weeks ago
I think the kid was only twelve, or so
When he fell from the top of tallest tower,
And through the woods the townsmen all would scour,
To find our doctor beat him black and blue
And bring him back to tend the young boy, who
Had broken skull and arms and legs and bones
Upon the unforgiving paving stones.
Upon arrival, he took out a lotion,
To rub upon the boy with sweeping motion.
No sooner was the ointment thus applied,
Than boy jumped up to play and run and hide.
Timothy Mooney



24
LUCAS.
Good God!
VALERE.
Hes found the Universal Nostrum!
MARTINE.
Thats it!
VALERE.
Oh, what such knowledge must have cost him!
No wonder hes disturbed!
LUCAS.
That be our man!
We must, at once, take action, make a plan!
VALERE.
We thank you so for your most kind assistance.
MARTINE.
Just dont forget to counter his resistance.
LUCAS.
Cor! Ill administer that little thrill;
If thrashing he should want hell get his fill!
(MARTINE exits.)
VALERE.
How lucky to have found her in our need!
Im feeling rather hopeful now, indeed!

ACT I
Scene 5
(VALERE, LUCAS, SGANARELLE.)
SGANARELLE. (Singing off stage:)
La, la, la.
VALERE.
I hear someone out there singing
Here comes a man, and see the logs hes bringing!
The Doctor in Spite of Himself



25
SGANARELLE. (Singing:)
La, la, laI have worked enough, by God!
Its time to drink and take a little nod.
While on my skin, it glistens and it glazes,
Within, it seems, I am as dry as blazes!
(Sings:)
Oh, how I love the sounding of the gurgle from the bottle
When it chugs out of the neck into my throat
If only all the education that I have been taughtll
Yet somehow teach me to keep drink afloat
Oh, how my friends would envy me with bottle ever full
Beloved bottle upon which I dote
And if the drink would kiss me every time I took a pull
Id gladly wed this vessel which I tote.
But no, the bottle drains and leaves me wanting ever more
The gurgle sounds a single final note
I find myself abandoned by the wife I would adore
With hunger for her I am ever smote.
(Speaking:)
Thats as it is. Its no good to lament.
VALERE. (Aside to LUCAS:)
It is the very man for whom were sent.
LUCAS.
Youre right! Hes fallen right into our lap!
VALERE.
Position so hes caught within our trap.
SGANARELLE. (Hugging his bottle.)
Aha, my little rogue, my loving flask!
Ill gladly do whatever you may ask!
(Noticing the others, he sings quietly:)
Oh, how my friends would envy me with bottle ever full
Beloved bottle
The devil! What do these two lackeys crave?
Timothy Mooney



26
VALERE.
Its he.
LUCAS.
He fits the spit of what she gave.
SGANARELLE.
They talk of me, and look with fixed stare;
Is something wrong with something that I wear?
(SGANARELLE sets his bottle down, but when VALERE bows to
him, he suspiciously moves it away from VALEREs reach, only to
find LUCAS bowing on the other side. He holds the bottle to his
chest, as VALERE and LUCAS alternately move to greet him in a
manner which always manages to threaten the bottle.)
VALERE.
Excuse me, sir, is Sganarelle your name?
SGANARELLE.
Hows that?
VALERE.
Weve heard a rumor of your fame.
Please tell us, now; is Sganarelle not you?
SGANARELLE. (Turning from VALERE to LUCAS:)
Well, maybe, maybe not. What will you do?
VALERE.
Oh sir, we only want to wish him well.
SGANARELLE.
In that case, yes, my name is Sganarelle.
VALERE.
Delighted, sir. We come to you in trouble,
And hope that you might help us on the double.
SGANARELLE.
Good sirs, Ill loan you this good arm of mine,
Should problem be remotely in my line.
VALERE.
You are too kind, dear sir, but I implore,
Protect your head. Put on your hat, before
The Doctor in Spite of Himself



27
Youre stricken by the sun.
LUCAS.
Oh yes, good sir!
SGANARELLE. (Aside, putting on his hat:)
Theyre so polite!
VALERE.
I know that youd prefer
We might acquaint you in more formal setting,
And I apologize that wed be getting
To know you in these awkward circumstances.
Its just we heard of all your great advances
The country knows you and proclaims how good
SGANARELLE.
Oh, yes. I am the best at chopping wood.
VALERE.
Ah, sir!
SGANARELLE.
I know it may sound rather vain,
Ive never had a client would complain.
VALERE.
Excuse me, sir, but we are not concerned
SGANARELLE.
A hundred-ten per hundreds what Ive earned.
VALERE.
We wont discuss
SGANARELLE.
I cant take any less.
VALERE.
We know it all, sir.
SGANARELLE.
Not under duress
VALERE.
You laugh at us, sir, with this cruel device.
Timothy Mooney



28
SGANARELLE.
Im earnest. I will not come down in price.
VALERE.
Please do leave off this derelict charade.
SGANARELLE.
Theres cheaper, if youre looking for them flawed.
Theres logs and logs, you know; if you want mine
VALERE.
Enough of this, good sir, I draw the line
SGANARELLE.
I cannot cut my price a single sou!
VALERE.
Its such a shame
SGANARELLE.
Good sir, Im telling you,
My fee is fair; you cannot call it large,
Not one will tell you that I overcharge.
VALERE.
Oh, sir, a learned man such as yourself?
Resorting thus to subterfuge and stealth?
Does not success as eminent physician
Bring you to keep more sober disposition?
With all the illnesses that you have healed
Must you yet keep your talents so concealed?
SGANARELLE. (Aside:)
Hes lost his nut!
VALERE.
Good sir, do not deceive.
SGANARELLE.
Deceive?
LUCAS.
Youll not dislodge what we believe.
The Doctor in Spite of Himself



29
SGANARELLE.
What are you getting at? I must implore,
Just what is it that you now take me for?
VALERE.
For what you are: a doctor of great fame.
SGANARELLE.
Doctor yourself; I cannot fill your claim.
VALERE. (Aside:)
So, here we see the workings of his fit.
(To SGANARELLE:)
Sir, dont make us the victims of your wit;
Dont force us go to work another way.
SGANARELLE.
What way is that?
VALERE.
It is a road, Id say,
Which wed regret to have to travel down.
SGANARELLE.
Go travel where youd like; you but confound
Me with this nonsense of an inquisition;
I tell you sirs, that I am no physician!
VALERE. (Aside.)
It seems we must administer the cure.
(Aloud:) At last, sir, please admit to us that youre
A doctor.
LUCAS.
Aye, sir, please be frank with us;
Dont make us have to go to such a fuss.
SGANARELLE.
I find that I begin to get annoyed.
VALERE.
Dont cause for other means to be employed;
Why, sir, would you deny what we now know?
Timothy Mooney



30
LUCAS.
Why force us, sir, be treatin you so low?
SGANARELLE.
Once and for all, sirs, I am no physician!
VALERE.
No?
SGANARELLE.
No.
LUCAS.
Haint?
SGANARELLE.
Not.
VALERE.
Well, if thats your position,
Well try another method that agrees
(They each take a stick and beat him.)
SGANARELLE.
Oh, oh! Good sirs! Im anything you please!
VALERE.
Why do you drive us, sir, to such a violence?
LUCAS.
Why thus keep up conspiracy of silence?
VALERE.
We much regret that we were forced to do this.
LUCAS.
We really are upset you drove us to this.
SGANARELLE.
The devil! Sirs, whats all of this about?
Are you both mad? To make a doctor out
Of me?
VALERE.
What? After that you still deny
That youre a doctor now?
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31
SGANARELLE.
In a pigs eye!
LUCAS.
So you being a doctor aint not true?
SGANARELLE.
The devil take me should I share that view!
(They beat him again.)
Oh, oh, oh, oh! All right! Good sirs, I give!
I am a doctor! Please, just let me live!
If it will stop me getting cuffed and beaten,
I will confess to any kind of cretin!
VALERE.
Thats better, sir. Im glad youve found your senses.
LUCAS.
It does me good to stop such violences.
VALERE.
I hope youll find it in you to excuse
LUCAS.
Forgive the liberty we thus abuse;
It is presumption for us to have taken
SGANARELLE. (Aside:)
Hah? Could it be that I have been mistaken?
Was I thus made a doctor without knowing?
VALERE.
Good sir, youll not regret. Where we are going,
They treat their doctors with much more respect.
SGANARELLE.
But sirs, youre both quite sure that youre correct?
I am a doctor?
LUCAS.
Aye, sir, that be you!
SGANARELLE.
Youre positive?
Timothy Mooney



32
VALERE.
No doubt.
SGANARELLE.
I hardly knew!
I dont expect Ill ever understand.
VALERE.
Why youre the finest doctor in the land!
SGANARELLE.
Ha! I?
LUCAS.
A one as cured I know not how
Many diseases.
SGANARELLE.
Me?
VALERE.
Oh, yes, I vow,
A womans funeral had somehow tarried;
Six hours was she laid out to be buried,
When you arrived, and gave her but a drop
Of something that enabled her to hop
Up off the table and shake off the heavy gloom,
As, all amazed, watched her walk round the room!
SGANARELLE.
Good Lord!
LUCAS.
A twelve-year-old fell from a tower,
And broke his skull, his arms, his legs. Your power
With ointment you elaborately applied,
Revived the child who ran to play and hide.
SGANARELLE.
The devil! Did he?
VALERE.
Now, sir, do you see?
So, if you come along with us, youll be
Well treated, sir, and you can name your fee.
The Doctor in Spite of Himself



33
SGANARELLE.
I name my fee?
VALERE.
Oh, yes, most certainly.
SGANARELLE.
I am a doctor! Doctor: that is me!
How silly that I might have so forgotten.
You must have thought that I was quite besotten!
But I remember now. Where are we going?
What case is this that needs my special knowing?
VALERE.
There is a girl, attractive, sir, and young,
Who somehow managed to have lost her tongue.
SGANARELLE.
I havent found it, sir, please be assured!
VALERE.
Oh, such a wit you are, good sir; my word!
Come now, well go.
SGANARELLE.
What? With no doctors gown?
VALERE.
Well get you one.
SGANARELLE.
Perhaps a darkish brown,
Would best befit my fame and my devotions.
(Giving his bottle to VALERE:)
Here, carry this then. It contains my potions.
(Turning to LUCAS and spitting:)
Now put your foot on that. Thats doctors orders.
Timothy Mooney



34
LUCAS.
These doctors be most strange outside our borders!
He seem to be a right fine bit o joker;
Perhaps its best he be the one to poke her!
End of Act I

35
ACT II
Scene 1
(A room in Gerontes house.)
(GERONTE, VALERE, LUCAS, JACQUELINE.)
VALERE.
Yes, sir, it was a most successful mission.
Weve found the worlds most qualified physician!
LUCAS.
The mans the finest croaker you could choose!
The others aint befit to lick his shoes!
VALERE.
He has performed the most prodigious cures.
LUCAS.
The dead and buried starts to breathe and stirs.
VALERE.
I mentioned hes eccentric, just a bit;
At times he seems to loosen from his wit
LUCAS.
He likes to play the idiotic goose;
At times, youd think a screw was somethin loose.
VALERE.
And yet, beneath, the man is erudite.
You ought to hear the words his lips give flight!
LUCAS.
Oh, aye, whenever notion this man took,
We found that he could conjure like a book!
VALERE.
His reputation permeates the land
They all see him to be all scoped and scanned.
GERONTE.
How lucky such a man should now appear!
Bring him around!
Timothy Mooney



36
VALERE.
I will direct him here. (Exits.)
JACQUELINE.
Good faith, dear sir, hell be like all the others;
If only you might give the girl her druthers,
And let her choose a husband to her taste,
Youd find her tongue returning with some haste.
GERONTE.
Thats fine, nurse; no one wants of your opinion.
LUCAS.
Belay your tongue, ye empty-headed minion.
This aint a matter for to stick your nose in.
JACQUELINE.
Shell conquer all the doctors youre imposin.
It aint a node, an outgrowth or a cyst,
But lack of husband she might want to tryst.
The only thing that girl might really miss
Is man who might be worthy of a kiss.
GERONTE.
But who might want her with such foul affliction?
Could husband want a wife without a diction?
Besides, the girl opposes each new beau!
JACQUELINE.
Because youd force a match that doesnt go!
Should you come up with some more tasty prey,
I think youd find the daughter would obey.
And if youd offer her that young Leandre,
Im sure hed find a way to understand her!
GERONTE.
Leandres not so suitable a match
He hasnt quite the cash to be a catch.
JACQUELINE.
I hear that he is yet the only heir
To uncle with a stockpile rather rare.
The Doctor in Spite of Himself



37
GERONTE.
Theres nothing like possession thats in hand,
To thus enhance a tasteful wedding band.
A fortune that awaits on other leaving,
Might keep the heir long weeping and bereaving.
One would turn blue, were one to hold ones breath
While waiting on a patrons timely death.
Remember, nurse, that you must never push
The girl to choose the bird thats in the bush!
Oh, Lord, deliver daughter ever from,
The man whose cash is always on the come.
JACQUELINE.
Well, it be told, good sir, that marriage itches
Are scratched by other than the partners riches.
Instead of asking daughter of her druthers,
The question asked by fathers and of mothers
Be always Whats his means? or Hows the dowry?
Which never fails to turn a daughter soury.
Old Peter, now, he wed his Simonette
To fat Tomas, acause, he got to get,
A silly corner of the vineyard more
Than did her Robin, who she did adore.
This tiny difference, how estate was split,
Has caused the girl to pine; her brow to knit,
Her skin has turned as yellow as a quince,
And all agree, shes not been healthy since.
You might let that be warning to you master,
Lest you might be the cause of some disaster.
Possessions only comfort those is happy.
Had I a daughter, and were I her pappy,
Id take her choice, and revel in her thanks,
Above a one with funds that spilled from banks.
GERONTE.
A plague upon you, Nurse! My blood is boiling!
You keep that up, your milk will soon be spoiling!
LUCAS. (Slapping GERONTE on the back with each point:)
Be quiet, then, you hussy; hold your tongue,
Our master knows whats best to fit his young.
Timothy Mooney



38
He needs no taste of nursemaids foolish prating,
So zip your argufying and debating.
Let you give suck to young one as your job,
And dont go opening your foolish gob.
The master is the father of his daughter,
And knows jes what he oughtnt and he oughtter.
GERONTE.
Thats fine; thats quite enough, enough, my lad.
LUCAS.
I want to teach respect thats due a dad.
She ought to show a little more regard.
GERONTE.
I understand, but please dont thump so hard.

ACT II
Scene 2
(GERONTE, VALERE, LUCAS, SGANARELLE.)
(SGANARELLE enters, wearing Doctors robe and hat.)
GERONTE.
Sir, I cannot express the fond delight
Of welcoming a scholar of suchheight.
2

Your skill must save the child on whom I fawn.
SGANARELLE.
Hippocrates sayswe must keep hats on.
GERONTE.
Hippocrates?
SGANARELLE.
Oh, yes.

2
The height reference, here, may be Geronte noticing that Sganarelle has
not taken off his tall hat. (In at least one contemporaneous illustration, the
Doctor wore a conical hat much like that of a wizard [or a dunce].)
The Doctor in Spite of Himself



39
GERONTE.
Where says he that?
SGANARELLE.
He says itin his chapter on the hat.
GERONTE.
Well, if he says that, then I guess we must.
SGANARELLE.
So, Doctor, having heard this case discussed
GERONTE.
Ah, whom do you address?
SGANARELLE.
Why, you.
GERONTE.
But I
Am not a doctor.
SGANARELLE.
Not a doctor?
GERONTE.
Why,
No, not at all.
SGANARELLE.
Im sorry, thats too bad.
(Beating GERONTE with a cudgel:)
GERONTE.
Ow, ow!
SGANARELLE.
Thats all the training that I had.
GERONTE.
What crazy sort of man did you admit?
VALERE.
I warned you he was somewhat of a wit.
Timothy Mooney



40
GERONTE.
I dont appreciate that kind of joking.
SGANARELLE.
Forgive me sir, for my imprudent poking.
GERONTE.
Its quite all right, dont say a word about
SGANARELLE.
Such manners! To give host a brutish clout!
GERONTE.
Forget
SGANARELLE.
It really was a nasty hit
GERONTE.
Please
SGANARELLE.
Which was my great honor to remit.
GERONTE.
Please, sir, do not continue, not a word.
I have a daughter, of whom you have heard,
Whos fallen into dreadful malady.
SGANARELLE.
To speak the truth, sir, in reality
I thrill to render service unto you;
I only wish that all the family, too,
Might need my service, that I might have shown
The care Id give, were my affection known.
GERONTE.
I am obliged for that fine sentiment
SGANARELLE.
I do assure you every word, I meant.
GERONTE.
You are too kind.
The Doctor in Spite of Himself



41
SGANARELLE.
The patients name?
GERONTE.
Lucinde.
SGANARELLE.
A perfect patients name: for one whos in the
Throes of
GERONTE.
Ill bring her here now, ere she get worse.
SGANARELLE.
Whos that fine woman?
GERONTE.
Thats my babys wetnurse.
SGANARELLE. (Aside:)
A juicy bit of crumpet, I must say
(Aloud:) Ah, nurse, my doctorship is but the clay
To which your nurseship gives a shape and form.
Ah, would I were the tot, all snug and warm,
(Putting his hand on her breast:)
Who tastes, here, at the font of your good graces.
At such abundance, my small art abases.
Would that my skills might by you yet be known
LUCAS.
Your pardon, sir, please leave my wife alone.
SGANARELLE.
What! Is this girl your wife?
LUCAS.
Ay, that she be.
SGANARELLE. (Going as if to embrace LUCAS, he embraces JAC-
QUELINE instead:)
Oh such a wondrous joy that is to me!
I celebrate your mutual affection.
Timothy Mooney



42
LUCAS. (Drawing SGANARELLE away:)
Thats fine, sir, please, not quite such strong inflection.
SGANARELLE.
I do delight to see you so well matched,
I do commend you two, so well attached!
I thrill for her and, risking some redundance,
Salute you, finding wife of such abundance!
(Makes, again, as if to embrace LUCAS, but passes under his arm to
throw himself on JACQUELINE.)
LUCAS. (Pulling him off again:)
Good Lord, sir! Not so many compliments!
I beg you
SGANARELLE.
Youd not place impediments
To celebration of how your rare hearts
Should join in blessed union of fair parts.
LUCAS.
Ay, celebrate unto your hearts content,
With me, but not my wife to such extent.
SGANARELLE.
I share the joy of both; know, if I clasp
You in such honor, that I also grasp
(Repeating business:) Your lovely wife with such respectful aim,
To fully know the breadth of
LUCAS. (Dragging him away:)
Shame, sir! Shame!
Enough, now, of this manner that youve mocked her!

ACT II
Scene 3
(GERONTE, LUCAS, SGANARELLE, JACQUELINE.)
GERONTE.
My daughter will be in directly, doctor.
The Doctor in Spite of Himself



43
SGANARELLE.
I wait, with my vast medical resource.
GERONTE.
Where is it?
SGANARELLE. (Touching his forehead:)
Right in here.
GERONTE.
Oh, yes, of course!
SGANARELLE. (Crossing to JACQUELINE:)
My interest, sir, is in all of your ilk.
And thus, I must make test of Nurses milk,
And see to it her breasts are of a nature
LUCAS. (Drawing SGANARELLE away and spinning him around:)
Ill not be having you to thus engage her!
SGANARELLE.
Its duty, sir, examining the breasts
Of any nurse
LUCAS.
She will not get undressed.
SGANARELLE.
Audacity! Opposing so a doctor!
LUCAS.
Ill not stand by until you have unfrocked her.
SGANARELLE.
Be off with you, you backwards foolish lout!
LUCAS.
Ill not be off, however you may shout!
SGANARELLE. (Looking darkly at him:)
I might infect you with a wicked flu!
JACQUELINE. (Pulling LUCAS away and spinning him around:)
Yes, Lucas. Thats enough of that from you.
The doctor must perform examination,
To see my bodys but his occupation,
Timothy Mooney



44
And if he must some sight of me endure,
Its nothing that he hasnt seen before.
LUCAS.
I dont want him ta touch thee, on my life!
SGANARELLE.
Oh, shame! The rascals jealous of his wife!
GERONTE.
Aha! My daughter, sir.

ACT II
Scene 4
(GERONTE, LUCINDE, VALERE, SGANARELLE, LUCAS,
JACQUELINE.)
SGANARELLE.
The invalid?
GERONTE.
My only daughter. Stricken, God forbid.
Were she to die, my heart would surely break.
SGANARELLE.
Without a doctors note? Such a mistake!
Such death would be an insubordination!
GERONTE.
A chair, here.
SGANARELLE.
Oh, a lovely little patient!
A good, strong man might find a use for her!
GERONTE.
You make her laugh.
SGANARELLE.
So much the better, sir.
A patient laughing is a healthy sign.
So whats the problem; what now dulls your shine?
Where is it that you feel this rude affliction?
The Doctor in Spite of Himself



45
LUCINDE. (Touching her lips, her forehead and under her chin:)
Han, hi, hon, han.
SGANARELLE.
I dont quite grasp your diction.
LUCINDE. (Repeating gestures:)
Han, hi, hon, han, han, hi, hon.
SGANARELLE.
Huh?
LUCINDE.
Hon, han.
SGANARELLE.
Hon, han? I fear that I dont understand.
What is the meaning of this conjugation?
GERONTE.
That is the nature of her perturbation.
We know not where the illness may come from,
But find the girl now struck completely dumb.
Until shes well, her marriage is deferred.
SGANARELLE.
But why?
GERONTE.
The husband wished she might be cured,
Before he might agree to make this match.
SGANARELLE.
What idiot might pass on such a catch
Of wife with no capacity to speak?
Id think twice ere a cure that I would seek!
I would to God my wife had been so smote!
GERONTE.
And yet, lets try to find an antidote.
SGANARELLE.
Dont worry. Tell me, does this give her pains?
GERONTE.
Oh, yes.
Timothy Mooney



46
SGANARELLE.
Thats good. Her energy. It drains?
GERONTE.
Yes, sir. Ive never seen her wearied so.
SGANARELLE.
Ah, even better. And, sir, does she go
You know where?
GERONTE.
Why, yes.
SGANARELLE.
And with much fight?
GERONTE.
Cant say I know.
SGANARELLE.
And does it look all right?
GERONTE.
I havent any notion.
SGANARELLE. (To LUCINDE:)
Give your hand.
Ah, yes, this pulse gives me to understand,
Your daughters dumb.
GERONTE.
Yes, sir, thats her affliction!
SGANARELLE.
Aha!
JACQUELINE.
Oh, what a sudden, strong conviction!
SGANARELLE.
Great doctors diagnose these things at once.
While other folk might hem and haw for months,
Suggesting it was this, or it was that,
But I can see at once, and tell you flat,
Its evident to me your daughters dumb!
The Doctor in Spite of Himself



47
GERONTE.
I see that, sir, but whenceforth does it come?
SGANARELLE.
It comes from a misfunction of her speech.
GERONTE.
I understand, but wherefore comes this breach?
SGANARELLE.
On this point all our authors well agree,
Just as the diagnosis came to me:
She suffers an impediment of tongue.
GERONTE.
From what impasse, though, has she been so brung?
SGANARELLE.
Most likely its a trouble with her jaws.
GERONTE.
I know that, sir, Im asking you the cause!
SGANARELLE.
Well, Aristotle in this case maintained
Ah, well, you know how well that he explained
GERONTE.
Of course I do.
SGANARELLE.
Oh, he was such a man!
GERONTE.
No doubt he was.
SGANARELLE.
The knowledge he could span!
A greater man than I by (Raising his arm from the elbow:) by that
much!
There never will be one with quite his touch.
But where was I? Oh, yes, I was explaining,
The reason for your daughters power waning;
In my opinion it stems from a humor,
And from experience we may presume her
Timothy Mooney



48
Debilitation stems from out the gall,
A state which comes from humors which we call
Unhealthy. There are vapors which arise from
Emission of the influence which dries from
The onset of the maladies which sat in,
Diseases which, you know Do you know Latin?
GERONTE.
No, sir.
SGANARELLE. (Rising quickly:)
You dont know Latin?
GERONTE.
Not a word.
SGANARELLE. (With several amusing gestures:)
Cabricias arci thuram, catalmus, singulariter, nominativo, haec musa, the
muse, bonus bona bonum. Deus sanctus, est-ne oratio latinas? Etiam,
yes. Quare, why? Quia substantivo, et adjectivum, concordat in generi,
numerum et casus.
3

GERONTE.
Ah, but that I had studied in the art!
JACQUELINE.
A man, this doctor! Clever and so smart!
LUCAS.
Aye, sos you cant make out a single word.
SGANARELLE.
So, vapors by these humors are so stirred,
And pass from livers region on the left,
Unto the right, where heart is left bereft.
It happens that the lungs, which are, in Latin,
Armyan, send messages, as they should flatten,
Up to the brain, which, you know, in Greek
Is nasmus, and these messages will speak

3
This is a mix of Latin and nonsense. Ultimately, Sganarelle is discussing
rhetoric and whether or not the first sentence is Latin. Holy God, is the
speech Latin? Yes. Why? Because the substantive and adjective agree in
gender, number and case.
The Doctor in Spite of Himself



49
By virtue of an artery in Hebrew
Cubileand this eventually will see to
The vapors filling ventricles, waylaid
Amid a portion of the shoulder blade.
And as these vaporsfollow closely, please,
These vapors often carry on the breeze,
Andplease, I beg you, pay your best attention
GERONTE.
Yes.
SGANARELLE.
This breeze blows a most malign intention,
Which comes fromplease, now, follow this most close
GERONTE.
I am.
SGANARELLE.
It all stems from too big a dose:
Acidity within the diaphragm;
Forms a concavity which makes a dam,
The edge of which may then begin to feel loose
Asnequer, potarinum quipsa milus.
And that is why your daughter is now mute!
JACQUELINE.
This doctor knows his business most astute!
LUCAS.
I would my clapper were so deftly hung!
GERONTE.
The explanation trips from off your tongue!
A clearer answer could not be provided!
Theres just one matter which leaves me divided:
You seemed to place the liver and the heart
The opposite of how theyre on the chart.
I always thought the heart was on the left,
With liver on the right.
SGANARELLE.
You are most deft.
Timothy Mooney



50
And yet we since have changed all that around,
Advances that weve made are quite profound.
GERONTE.
I see! Sir, I had no idea. Please
Excuse my ignorance.
SGANARELLE.
Oh, no sir, these
New concepts have now taken us quite far;
You cant be quite as clever as we are.
GERONTE.
But what, sir, do you think ought to be done?
SGANARELLE.
What ought be done?
GERONTE.
Yes.
SGANARELLE.
Bake the girl a bun,
And feed her bread which has been steeped in wine.
GERONTE.
Why that, sir?
SGANARELLE.
Those two elements entwine,
For sympathetic virtue causing speech.
You know that when they first begin to teach
A parrot how to speak, thats what they feed them?
GERONTE.
Why so they do! Some bread! Some wine! We need them!
(VALERE, LUCAS, and LUCINDE exit, with JACQUELINE
about to follow.)
SGANARELLE.
Ill come again tonight to see the patient.
(To JACQUELINE:) One moment. (To GERONTE:) Nurse needs
some examination.
The Doctor in Spite of Himself



51
JACQUELINE.
Who, me? Im in the peak of perfect health.
SGANARELLE.
So much the worse. So much the worse. Myself,
I find such crude health cause for much concern.
I should have known it might come to this turn.
A little bleeding might be of some prudence,
Or else, an enema to help her fluence.
GERONTE.
I fear I dont yet follow you, good doctor.
Why irrigate the girl if nothings blocked her?
SGANARELLE.
Whats illness got to do with proper healing?
These treatments train a beneficial feeling.
As one might drink to stave off thirst to come,
So must we bleed to keep the illness from
JACQUELINE.
My Lord, I dont want none of that good health!
I aint for making chemist set of self. (Exits.)
SGANARELLE.
All right, if on this medicine youve frowned,
I may find other way to bring you round.
(To GERONTE:) Good day.
GERONTE.
A moment, please.
SGANARELLE.
What do you need?
GERONTE.
I wish to give you money for your deed.
SGANARELLE.
(Turning away, while holding out his hand behind him:)
I couldnt take it.
GERONTE.
Sir!
Timothy Mooney



52
SGANARELLE.
No, really.
GERONTE.
Wait!
SGANARELLE.
No, not a sou!
GERONTE.
Please!
SGANARELLE.
Truly, I must state
GERONTE.
Take hold!
SGANARELLE.
I couldnt touch it.
GERONTE.
Please, for me!
SGANARELLE.
I dont do this for money.
GERONTE.
I can see.
SGANARELLE. (Having taken the money:)
Is it of full weight?
GERONTE.
Oh, it is, sir. Very.
SGANARELLE.
You know that I am not a mercenary.
GERONTE.
Im sure youre not.
SGANARELLE.
Ive no regard for gain.
GERONTE.
No, I can see youre nothing of that strain. (Exits.)
The Doctor in Spite of Himself



53
SGANARELLE. (Looking at the money:)
Thats not so bad. I never would have thought
This kind of cash could be so quickly caught.

ACT II
Scene 5
(LEANDRE, SGANARELLE.)
LEANDRE.
Sir, Ive been waiting for this chance to speak;
I need your help.
SGANARELLE. (Grabbing his wrist:)
Your pulse is very weak.
LEANDRE.
I am not ill. Ive no need to be nursed.
SGANARELLE.
Well, why did you not tell me that at first?
LEANDRE.
Allow me then explain with greater haste:
I am Leandre, and I find Im faced
With the loss of my Lucinde, whom her dad
Forbids me see. Without her, Ill go mad!
I come to ask you, please sir, man to man,
If you might not help carry out a plan.
SGANARELLE.
What do you take me for? How tawdry! Crass!
To help assail some innocent younglass?
Would you ask a physician join your league
To take part in a sordid, sly intrigue?
LEANDRE.
Excuse me, sir, but please dont raise your voice.
SGANARELLE.
I shall! You come to me with plots and ploys
Timothy Mooney



54
LEANDRE.
Go easy, sir!
SGANARELLE.
You foul ill-mannered freak!
LEANDRE.
For pitys sake, sir! Please!
SGANARELLE.
How dare you seek
To insult me with your most rude request!
LEANDRE. (Drawing out his purse:)
But, Sir
SGANARELLE.
To try to (Taking purse, his manner changes:) Thats how I
redressed
Some other man, less reverent than yourself,
Who might proceed with insolence and stealth.
Now, you sir, are a man of high esteem
And I would be quite proud to join your team.
Some other young men look but to despoil;
I tell you, frankly, it makes my blood boil.
LEANDRE.
Excuse me, sir, if I have been remiss.
SGANARELLE.
Absurd! Now how do we arrange this tryst?
LEANDRE.
This illness that you treats not how it looks
And while the doctors all consult their books,
With some suggesting it comes from the brain
And others say the spleen creates the pain,
Or else the liver, or then the intestines.
I might yet answer all their foolish questions:
The truth is that the sickness is an act.
The doctors havent grasped that little fact.
The true cause of this case is naught but love,
The only thing, I think, theyve not thought of.
The Doctor in Spite of Himself



55
Lucinde feigns linguistical affliction
Avoiding fathers awful interdiction.
But you must not be seen in here with me.
Lets go where we may talk of this more free.
SGANARELLE.
I feel the strength of this affair already,
And find all other issues mean and petty.
Ill stake my doctors honor with this cry:
The girl shall either be your own or die!
End of Act I I

57
ACT III
Scene 1
(LEANDRE, SGANARELLE.)
LEANDRE.
This outfit should make me into a fair
Apothecary. Since its been quite rare
When father has caught glance or even seen me,
The coat and wig, sufficiently, should screen me.
SGANARELLE.
Quite true.
LEANDRE.
Now all I need is five or six
Elabrate words in order that I mix
My speech with taste of doctors dialogue.
SGANARELLE.
Oh, I dont think, sir, that we need to clog
Your talk with more stuff than there is already;
The costume should keep things on rather steady.
Besides, I know no more of this than you!
LEANDRE.
What?
SGANARELLE.
Yes, to me this all is rather new.
I never reached the secondary school,
And though I wasnt really such a fool,
They made me doctor over my objection.
And so far I have seemed to pass inspection.
In fact, the news of my degree has spread
And people seem to get it in their head,
That my advice might be a worthy thing!
Youd not believe how this charade might bring
In stacks of money which I once worked weeks for,
By fabricating cure that patient seeks for!
It strikes me I might keep this up forever,
As it provides an advantageous lever
To wealth exceeding most auspicious tale.
Timothy Mooney



58
It matters not if you succeed or fail;
Not even if the downfall is my fault,
I do not bring the billing to a halt!
A cobbler who spoils a piece of leather
Must pay for shoes he cannot stitch together.
And yet, in our job, we may slash away,
And no one would suggest we ought to pay.
A bit of sloppy work a life might take,
But that is but the corpses bad mistake.
The best of all this is the deads discretion!
They never talk of doctors ill transgression.
LEANDRE.
The dead are liberal in this respect.
SGANARELLE. (Seeing people approaching:)
Liberal? Theyre completely circumspect!
It seems two more are coming for advice.
Go on ahead; Ill be there in a trice.

ACT III
Scene 2
(SGANARELLE, THIBAUT, PERRIN.)
THIBAUT.
Oh, sir! My son, Perrin and me have come
A seeking your assistance.
SGANARELLE.
Why so glum?
THIBAUT.
The boys poor mother, my Parettewe hunts
A cure for her now on these last six months.
SGANARELLE. (Holding out his hand for money:)
And what do you want me to do about it?
THIBAUT.
We look for druggery that we might out it.
The Doctor in Spite of Himself



59
SGANARELLE.
I must know whats the matter with her first.
THIBAUT.
It seems with an hypocrisy shes cursed.
SGANARELLE.
Hypocrisy?
THIBAUT.
Aye, sir, she be all swelled,
It be the seriosities have welled
Inside her, in her belly and her spleen,
Make water stead a blood; know how I mean?
Some days she has the quotigian fever
With aches and pains in legs that never leave her.
The phlegmish in her throat is like to choke her,
And syncopations that come near to croak her.
Our village has a young apothecary
Who give her some prescriptors all contrary,
And I be spendin some good dozen crowns
In enematicsscuse my crude expounds
And in impostrophes hes made her take,
Infections of a hyacinth hed make,
But naught what he could do might make her fine;
He wanted to give her emetic wine,
But I was feared to let her touch that potion
For it be givin me a bit of notion
That many men who drink off that invention
A spite of all the doctors best intention
Be sleepin with their forebears and anoint
SGANARELLE. (Still with his hand out, moving it up and down:)
Come to the point, good sir, come to the point!
THIBAUT.
The point be please do tell us what to do.
SGANARELLE.
I cannot understand you. Not a clue.
Timothy Mooney



60
PERRIN.
Good sir, my mother, she be very ill,
And heres two crowns to cover off your bill.
SGANARELLE.
Now heres a lad who I can understand!
He speaks up plain with words at his command!
You say it is the dropsy she endures,
And that she yet resists the given cures,
With swelling, fever, pains in both her feet
And then there are convulsions that repeat,
That is to say shell have a fainting fit.
PERRIN.
Aye, sir. It seems you got it, every bit.
SGANARELLE.
You made your point, boy, clear and fine and good!
Your father, though, cannot be understood!
And so, you want me to provide a cure?
PERRIN.
Aye, sir.
SGANARELLE.
A something which will leave her pure?
PERRIN.
That be my meaning.
SGANARELLE.
Well, then for her ease,
You must administer this piece of cheese.
PERRIN.
A cheese, sir?
SGANARELLE.
Cheese thats been quite fully cured,
With precious stuff inside that Ive secured,
Like gold and pearls, and such ingredients
Which force the illnesss obedience.
The Doctor in Spite of Himself



61
PERRIN.
Us be most grateful, sir, and obligated,
Well go be sure this cure be consummated.
SGANARELLE.
Go quickly, should you lose her, understand,
Make sure you give a funeral most grand.

ACT III
Scene 3
(JACQUELINE, SGANARELLE, and LUCAS, at a distance.)
SGANARELLE.
Ah! There she is, my lovely, darling nurse!
In your fair medicine I would immerse!
The sight of you, my dear, confounds my grief,
As senna, cassia, rhubarb give relief.
JACQUELINE.
Ooh, la, sir, that do be a grandish chattin,
Though I must say, I dont know any Latin.
SGANARELLE.
Oh, do be ill, good Nurse; be ill for me!
Id treat your body and neglect my fee.
JACQUELINE.
I thank you that such ailment you might quell,
And yet, Id rather not need be made well.
SGANARELLE.
Ah, Nurse, how your condition tears my heart,
When husband treats you like some wanton tart.
JACQUELINE.
What might I do? Tis lesson for my sin.
Tis bed I made that I be lyin in.
SGANARELLE.
But with a lout like that, whos ever prying;
Oh, such a bed cannot be for your lying!
Timothy Mooney



62
JACQUELINE.
Ah, sir, of his iceberg thats but the tip;
He bursts at but the slightest bit of lip.
SGANARELLE.
Can it be true? Can man with soul so base
Ill-treat a woman of such love and grace?
Can such a man with such a disposition
Be blessed by lying in such fond position?
There are some, hard upon, a body knows,
Who would be grateful but to know your toes.
Why must a maiden of so fair a feature,
Fall in with such a brutish, stupid creature?
An animal, a beastly, dullExcuse.
It is, of course your husband I abuse.
JACQUELINE.
Oh, la, he does deserve it, I suppose.
SGANARELLE.
He does! And better still, to tweak his nose,
You ought to make it your most sacred mission
To punish him with substance to suspicion!
JACQUELINE.
You know, were I not tied up with his care,
I might look into doing something there.
SGANARELLE.
It would but serve him right for you to do it,
How dare he judge you and so misconstrue it!
But you might pay for his relentless hover,
By taking your revenge upon a lover!
His negligence deserves a good exposin,
And were I lucky man to be so chosen
(Both suddenly notice LUCAS behind them, listening in. They steal
off in opposite directions, SGANARELLE with amusing business.)

The Doctor in Spite of Himself



63
ACT III
Scene 4
(GERONTE, LUCAS.)
GERONTE.
Ah, Lucas! Is the doctor here about?
LUCAS.
Ay, that he is, without the slightest doubt.
I saw him here, and with my wife as well.
GERONTE.
So where has he gone now?
LUCAS.
I hope to hell!
GERONTE.
Be off with you, and look in on Lucinde.

ACT III
Scene 5
(GERONTE, SGANARELLE, LEANDRE.)
GERONTE. (Continued:)
Ah, there you are.
SGANARELLE.
Id just let loose into
The courtyard to drain superfluous water
How is the patient?
GERONTE.
Well, I fear my daughter
Has turned for worse since taking your prescription.
SGANARELLE.
Thats good! Its sign of her emerging diction.
GERONTE.
That well may be, but it may choke her first.
Timothy Mooney



64
SGANARELLE.
Dont worry. We will wait till when shes worst
And once the girl is on her final wheeze
GERONTE.
And whos this man youve brought here, if you please?
SGANARELLE. (Demonstrating the grinding of a pestle in a bowl:)
Oh, hes
GERONTE.
Whats that?
SGANARELLE. (Gesturing:)
The man
GERONTE.
Hmm?
SGANARELLE. (Gesturing:)
Who
GERONTE. (Understanding:)
Indeed!
SGANARELLE.
Hes one your daughter urgently will need.

ACT III
Scene 6
(GERONTE, LUCINDE, LEANDRE, SGANARELLE, JAC-
QUELINE.)
JACQUELINE.
Your daughter, sir, would like to take a stroll.
SGANARELLE.
Oh, that would be most soothing to her soul.
Do go with her, my good Apothecary;
Check that her pulses rhythms not contrary.
Ill want to know your thoughts on her complaint.
The Doctor in Spite of Himself



65
(He draws GERONTE aside, with an arm over his shoulder. He
takes GERONTE by the chin every time he tries to look at the lovers,
and pulls his face back to him.)
The question is important, though yet quaint,
Which doctors do at length deliberate,
We wonder whether it be learned, or trait;
That women should respond more apt than men,
Who seem to need their therapies again.
There are those in the field who would say yes,
While others, other argument would press.
As for myself, I say both yes and no,
As incongruity would seem to show,
That some opaquish humors intermingle
Where womans sometimes problematicthingll
Incline them toward a dominance of body
As tested gainst control group of castrati.
While other doctors may choose to ignore it,
They cant deny the moon in its great orbit
Will circle round the earth in path oblique,
And influence the ocean, lake and creek,
While sun sends rays on earths concave directions
4

LUCINDE. (To LEANDRE:)
No, I will never alter my affections.
GERONTE.
My daughters voice! She speaks! Oh, joyous day!
Such thrill, at last, to hear what she might say!
How might I pay you, Doctor, for this grace?
SGANARELLE. (Walking about the stage fanning himself with his hat:)
It certainly has been a heavy case.
LUCINDE.
Yes, father, Ive recovered my oration,

4
Molires text leaves unanswered the question of exactly what is transpiring
between Leandre and Lucinde, as Sganarelle is distracting Geronte. One may
assume that she does not, at first, recognize her lover in his disguise, and he
must reveal himself in some way, before she will agree to go off with him on
this stroll. Thus No, I will never alter my affections would be Lucindes
response to the hushed entreaties of a man who she still assumes is a doctor.
Timothy Mooney



66
But only that I might make declaration,
That I will marry none but my Leandre!
Your daughters not for anyone you hand her.
And it is useless to suggest this Horace.
GERONTE.
But
LUCINDE.
No! No matter how you might implore us.
GERONTE.
What!
LUCINDE.
Dont expect youll argue me out of it.
GERONTE.
If
LUCINDE.
A husbands only useful if we love it.
GERONTE.
But
LUCINDE.
I am quite resolved in this, you see.
GERONTE.
I
LUCINDE.
I will not submit to tyranny.
GERONTE.
I have
LUCINDE.
While youre my father, I will not
Be saddled with a mate that you had got.
GERONTE.
The
The Doctor in Spite of Himself



67
LUCINDE.
Ill travel to some far off convent parish,
Ere I will wed a man whom I dont cherish.
GERONTE.
But
LUCINDE.
No, no, no! Dont speak of it! No, dont
Imagine that Ill do it cause I wont!
GERONTE.
Oh my, this flood of words, I cannot stand it!
Oh, make her mute again, please, I command it!
SGANARELLE.
I cant stop voice that rides upon her breath;
The best that I might do is make you deaf!
GERONTE.
Oh, thank you, very much! (To LUCINDE:) Now do you think
LUCINDE.
No argument of yours will make me blink!
GERONTE.
I shall wed you to Horace here tonight!
LUCINDE.
Id sooner die right now, just out of spite!
SGANARELLE.
A moment, sir. Allow me to prescribe.
She suffers from a noxious diatribe.
I think that I know just the remedy.
GERONTE.
Youll bring her back from such extremity?!
You can address a mental illness too?
SGANARELLE.
Of course, it is a simple thing to do.
I must engage Apothecary, though.
(To LEANDRE:) A word, sir. I should think by now you know,
That this Leandre will not suit her father,
Timothy Mooney



68
And that the daughter will be ever bothered,
Unless we act with quickness and aplomb,
To treat condition she now suffers from.
The humors are fermenting in this case,
And I must ask you act with greatest haste.
I see one remedy which lay before us,
One way that we might take which would assure us:
I think a smallish purgative of flight
Might somehow set the girls condition right,
If mixed with pills of Matrimonium
To take with hasty Ceremonium
She may not wish to swallow all at once,
But father wont endure these awful stunts.
And I would urge you somehow to persuade
That she might learn just who must be obeyed!
Walk her about outside around the garden
So that the humors might resolve and harden
(Aside:) While I keep father occupied in here
(Aloud:) Toward the cure, we must most quickly steer!
That is the only remedy remaining!

ACT III
Scene 7
(GERONTE, SGANARELLE.)
GERONTE.
What drugs were those that you were just explaining?
I dont believe Ive ever had occasion
SGANARELLE.
We save them for a desperate situation.
GERONTE.
Well, have you ever seen such disrespect?
SGANARELLE.
The girl could surely be more circumspect.
GERONTE.
She truly is obsessed with this Leandre.
The Doctor in Spite of Himself



69
SGANARELLE.
Hot blood of youth, if I might speak with candor.
GERONTE.
When I once saw her caught up with this pox,
I had her door secured with several locks!
SGANARELLE.
So wise.
GERONTE.
I stopped all their communication.
SGANARELLE.
Good move.
GERONTE.
Who knows what provocation
They might perform if left with loosened tether?
SGANARELLE.
Who knows?
GERONTE.
They might have run away together.
SGANARELLE.
My praise falls shy of your inspired foresight.
GERONTE.
They say he tried to meet her this past fortnight!
SGANARELLE.
The rascal!
GERONTE.
But he only wastes his day.
SGANARELLE.
Ha, ha!
GERONTE.
Ill see to it hes turned away.
SGANARELLE.
He clearly is not dealing with a fool.
Twas not just yesterday you went to school.
Timothy Mooney



70
For every trick he tries, you know three more!

ACT III
Scene 8
(GERONTE, SGANARELLE, LUCAS.)
LUCAS.
Oh, Master! Master! Heres a fix, for sure!
Your daughter has eloped with her Leandre!
He played apothecary to command her,
And there, the Doctor, did it neath your nose!
GERONTE.
Hows that! You break my trust with put-on pose?
Lay hold of him, and dont let him escape;
Ill have the law upon this evil ape. (Exits.)
LUCAS.
Youll hang now, mister Doctor, pon my life.
Dont move, lest you want taste of my good knife.

ACT III
Scene 9
(SGANARELLE, MARTINE, LUCAS.)
MARTINE. (To LUCAS:)
Such trouble I had finding where you went!
How did you like the doctor that I sent?
LUCAS.
He there be, all but ready to be hung!
MARTINE.
My husbandhung? What charges have you brung?
LUCAS.
He helped our masters daughter with a man!





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