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3 Awful Experiences Our Brains Always Remember Fondly

3 Awful Experiences Our Brains Always Remember Fondly

By Felix Clay August 03, 2013 611,287 views Add to Favorites

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Drinking is where the paradigm of bad decisions comes from. If it wasn't for alcohol, we'd probably be living in a peaceful society full of flying Jetsons cars and benevolent robots right now and every single one of us would have a jet pack and a machine that makes whatever food we desire, and we'd all smell really good all the time. Swearing off drinking is so commonplace that it's a cliche, but that doesn't change the fact that, assuming you're the type who's ever engaged in a late night of binge partying, you've done it yourself, and probably more than once. Everyone with a functioning liver enjoys a night of partying up until the exact moment when the alcohol in your blood turns against you and flows, en masse, toward a free orifice, carrying with it whatever other fluids and semi-solids are inside of you. After you forcefully purge your system of Kahlua and 7-Eleven taquitos, you'll sit against the wall while the room spins and trails of drool make their way from your mouth to your chest and swear to all the things you can recall at the moment that you hold dear that you'll never, ever do this again.

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Naturally this means that, once you've sobered up and someone else invites you to a party, you'll take less time than it takes for a mouse to fart to weigh the pros and cons and decide that this time will be different because you won't drink nearly so much and you'll be right as rain as long as you remember to have a glass of water and a Tylenol after you pull back on a gallon of Thunderbird

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mixed with Kool-Aid. Then by midnight you're crying in the arms of a person you don't know about how you write comedy articles to mask your desperate loneliness and how you're not even sure your penis works anymore, it's been so long since anyone cared about you.

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To this day, I have deep regrets of an event I only remember in hazy, vague terms of shame and degradation. I was at a woman's apartment, and she decided to put on a porno. Have you ever been at a woman's house and she turned on a porno? Like of her own volition, no prompting or even perverse suggestion on your part? And, idiot that I am, I thought, "OK, let's just sit here and watch porno." And we fucking did! I literally sat there next to her and watched porno like an idiot, like it's actually interesting or fun to watch for its artistic merits. And then she suggested we make it into a drinking game. A shot of tequila every time ... I forget. I remember that I did a lot of shots, and she made me do two shots for every one of hers, and could this not have been a more obvious ploy? A blind guy on morphine could have seen where this was going. Not me. I drank and I drank and then it hit me. I was completely shitfaced, porn was on the TV, a hot girl was next to me, and I made a break for the bathroom. I painted the inside of her toilet bowl like a power sprayer on a mission. It throttled from my insides like a whale breaching, desperate for air. I puked and puked, an assault of tequila and lime and salt, and then I tumbled to the ground at the base of the toilet and lay there. When I woke up, it was just after 6 a.m., and she was kicking me out because she had to go to work. It was the smoothest damn moment of my life, passed out next to her toilet, my mouth tasting of bile and stupidity. That happened years ago, and to date I have never debauched that woman, never even had the opportunity again. Because of booze. Because of stupid alcohol. But I drank again. Many times. Even though I said I never would.

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KenBurch
08-11-2013 | 12:18 AM

OK...but how fondly would we remember bad sex after a night of stale Sriracha Nachos washed down with Nyquil shooters? Reply

ToastedAshley
08-10-2013 | 12:27 PM

+1

The drinking thing was me last year. I drank to a point where i was really shitfaced, feeling scared, and on the verge of the vomit feeling. Where you drink so much, you can feel your body begin to want to reject it for its own safety. I told the people O was with (bf and his sister) that I was good. I was really good and didn't want to drink anymore. But they kept egging me on, saying I'd be fine, and peer pressure works like a charm when you're drunk. Then I cried for several hours at repressed memories coming out, and not knowing where I was or who they were. I was terrified. Then apparently I'd stop crying, uh...want sex....(sister left the room drunk, so no, not with her) then start the crying freak out bit again, then the sexual, then freak out. (I also didn't really eat or drink much water that night/ day) Anyways, felt like s**t for a few days after. This year's visit? I watched my drinking really well. No emotional freakouts, but I didn't drink enough water and had a horrible hangover. I'm learning....slowly. My first hangover, and my words upon waking were "Wow, I feel pretty good all things cons- AHHHHH MY HEAD." Reply

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LiamLeStrange
08-08-2013 | 6:53 PM

+1

Dear Cracked, Okay, I know you guys at Cracked are suckers for format, but this piece is so short... did number 3 really need a page all its own? I could have happily kept reading past the end of number 2 without feeling the overwhelming urge to click on anything. I know this may seem like a controversial idea, and I know it probably would have been challenging to squish all that writing on to a single page, but I think the latest of these newfangled interweb browsing thingies can scroll down at least that far before they break. Just a thought.... Reply

ToastedAshley
08-10-2013 | 12:21 PM

Unless you work at Cracked....quiet. They don't seem to care about suggestions. It's their site. They still get many page views and make money, so there's no need to change.

JCA
08-08-2013 | 2:04 PM

I was really laughing at your description of how you feel the day after eating something with Sriracha, and I don't even use it because I'm sensitive to hot foods. Reply

BakwerdzCarpet
08-07-2013 | 8:43 PM

+1

Yukkaflux. For anyone who does not know what this monstrosity is, it is a Canadian tradition (coming from the functioning alcoholics who cannot get drunk enough anymore) that entails taking a large watermelon, lopping off the top, removing the innards and replacing it with vodka, rum and other 180 proof elixers, then jamming the fruit back in, putting it in the fridge for a day or so, then serving it at a barbecue. I went to one of these barbecues in college and was not told by my asshat sister (who knew damn well but thought it would be funny to see her younger sister learn from experience) to either avoid the thing or just use the melon balls to flavor your drink but not to eat them. I ate three glasses of the 'yummy fruit salad drinky thing' and got so quickly blind drunk I had alcohol poisoning for five days. Being a rather light drunk (three to four Canadian beers were my limit) I am surprised I didn't end up in the hospital. So to number one: I've learned. I've never had Yuukkaflux ever again and I've also learned to be very aware what the hell is being served at college mixers. Considering the highlight of my night was when I passed out by the back garage on the back lawn and some a*****e almost peed on me, I neither think back on it fondly nor do I wish to relive it. Reply

Turing
08-07-2013 | 6:42 PM

+1

Just trying to put together the fact that it was blatantly stated the reason the date went nowhere was due to total navety to the woman's overture, alcohol came later, but somehow caused he original problem, instead. Reply

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Skylore
08-07-2013 | 1:53 AM

+1

If you'd care to draw parallels with a certain episode of Family Guy, just because someone has cerebral palsy doesn't mean they can't be a colossal douche-nozzle in dire need of a beatdown. Reply

ButRhett
08-06-2013 | 8:51 PM

-2

Abusive childhoods...seriously if I have to listen to one more person lament about the downfall of this generation because their daddy whooped the tar out of them with a belt when they forgot to make their bed, I will scream. Reply

Humility
08-06-2013 | 7:21 PM

+3

I've never had any problem from taco bell food Reply

ockhamsfolly
08-06-2013 | 5:33 PM

+3

For sriracha, try mixing some with vinegar. It's a great combination of flavors, and a lot easier on the digestive system. Just putting it out there. Alcohol is a hell of a drug. I'll stick to sweet Mary Jane. Reply

penguinato24
08-06-2013 | 3:27 PM

So the only 3 simple pleasures in the world...except the bad versions of them. Then again I can't really gauge the sex entry; I'm a lonely man, any other male who discusses the issue claims whatever sexual encounters they've had were fuckin' slam dunks of awesomeness, and any females who I discuss the issue with claim any dude they've ever had any sort of relations with were terrible kissers, terrible sex...ers, and had somewhat insufficient wieners. Of course that's because fellows like looking awesome and making other fellows jealous and chicks like appearing un-skanky (after all, everyone knows it doesn't count if you don't enjoy it), but it's ok, I find their deceit flattering because it means they care what I think. Reply

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cuddlebot
08-06-2013 | 1:17 PM

+2

Some women prefer their pubic hair untamed. Deal with it. Other than that I agree, especially about the food. I can never eat sushi again because all I can think of when I see it is throwing it up when I had the flu. Reply

ShuaiGuy
08-11-2013 | 2:49 AM

But WHY!? I'm a dude and I don't like mine untamed. It looks all raggedy and messy. It's like leaving clothes on the floor of your apartment at all times. Like yea, somebody can deal with that, but it's not impressive nor does it give a good impression of you.

tezcatzontecatl
08-06-2013 | 12:49 PM

+3

So all i've learned from this article that Felix Clay can't handle hot sauce or hold his liquor Reply

Nextor
08-06-2013 | 11:27 AM

+1

I was quite tickled by this article. Top 5% for comedic value, I'd say. Reply

hanglidingjesus
08-06-2013 | 9:26 AM

+7

I think with women it's more the whole "re-hooking up with an ex" that parallels the "bad sex" entry. Usually alcohol is involved, naturally. I know I've done it plenty of times. Break up with a guy, get drunk, call him over, bone, wake up awash in shame and regret, rinse, repeat. And the sex is never good; it's drunk sex- it sucks (if you can even remember it) But you rationalize it by saying to yourself "At least I didn't go home with a guy I don't know." Which is a stupid rationalization, if you think about it. Anyway, you wake up, groan "Oh no not again." (whether he's still there or not) and take your shame shower and swear that you will not do that ever again. But you will. Reply

ShuaiGuy
08-11-2013 | 2:51 AM

Most of my previous hook ups/girlfriends/whatever don't call right when they want sex. They just do a feel around to see if you're still WILLING to hook up, then they never talk to you again. Like the fact that I'd say yes to sex is all that they need. Which I guess is nice for their self-esteem, but c'mon! Can't we DO the sex and THEN you feel better about yourself?!

mtjimmythehand
08-06-2013 | 7:37 AM

+4

I dated a "Bushpig" once. To my shame, the name was NOT a reference to her crotch! Reply

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MattyGee
08-06-2013 | 1:02 AM

To be fair: If you're first sex experience was complete s**t, like straight up the ending of Requiem or something along the same lines. The rest of your sex life tends to be pretty gigiddy:)...according to this article. Reply

DessaB
08-05-2013 | 9:53 PM

+3

I don't remember bad sex fondly at all. I just feel awkward about it and lament that I wasted a chance at good sex with someone that would have come for seconds, but instead just avoids me now. Bad sex is bad. Reply

ThomasFordConyers
08-05-2013 | 9:22 PM

+4

Fuckin' aye these are all spot on. Two nights ago some old college buddies were in town so we had a bonfire and got drunk as fuck. I ended up registering a gold adult friend finder account for ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY f*****g DOLLARS. I paid with my debit card. I'm broke as f**k now. Also, I have the worlds most expensive goddamn internet profile sitting there where I either have to ignore it and eat $180 or try to get something out of it by f*****g 60 year old swingers for the next 12 months to get my moneys worth. The next day, the same friends called me up "we got some four lokos. Come over and drink" Me: "Sure! I'll be right over!" Not the craziest s**t I've ever done drunk, but it's the most recent and most long lasting pain in the ass instance thus far. See All 6 Replies Hide All Reply

Propa
08-05-2013 | 11:12 PM

+3

You sound classy.

Wavey1988
08-06-2013 | 3:38 AM

+4

Why do I get the feeling you call your friends "Bro's" and pop your collar on polo shirts?

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Igelkotten
08-05-2013 | 9:11 PM

+1

Mumber 1...guilty as charged. Not due to hangover (I am a lucky human in the fact that I have never been hungover no matter how much I drink) but to that moment when I need to draw a beeline to the toilet and get what I drank the same way it came in. And for some reason I am always painfully conscious when that happens. I swear I won't drink so much next time, but we all know how that goes See All 3 Replies Hide All Reply

hanglidingjesus
08-06-2013 | 9:30 AM

+2

(I am a lucky human in the fact that I have never been hungover no matter how much I drink) Shut up. Thumbs up for the rest of the comment though. Oh, and on the off chance that you're young (like under 25) there's a good chance that hangover free s**t won't last forever. I never got hangovers for the longest time, but the older you get, the bigger your tolerance therefore, the more you drink. I used to think drinking a six pack of Coors was impressive when I was 22 but last year (on accident) I drank an 18 pack while camping and the next day f*****g sucked!!!

ElectricMayhem
08-07-2013 | 9:11 AM

Def true that you'll most likely start getting hangovers later in life if you're a youngin'. I never used to get them. Period. These days I occasionally feel it after a particularly bad night, but I still don't get hangovers like my friends get hangovers... I'll have cotton mouth, and I'll get a bit foggy-headed if I didn't get enough sleep after, maybe a vague headache, for example, but I don't have to spend the next day on the couch clutching a bucket and extra strength tylenol. I don't think it has much to do with my tolerance being higher, though. I could really throw them back in college. My tolerance has gone decidedly down since. I think it has more to do with how the body processes alcohol as you age, and the need for more recovery time. Either way, enjoy it while you've got it!

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