Ads by safesaver.

More Info | Hide These Ads

Register | Login

ARTICLES MOVIES & TV VIDEO GAMES MUSIC

VIDEOS

COLUMNISTS SCIENCE

FORUMS

QUICK FIXES

PHOTOPLASTY

TECH

HISTORY

WRITE FOR US

ORDER DE-TEXTBOOK

5 Seemingly Insignificant Things That Make People Like You

5 Things That Have to Happen Before You Fix Your Crappy Life

5 Self-Improvement Techniques That Actually Make You Dumber

Home

Weird World

4 Creepy Ways 'Pokemon' Changed Since You Stopped Playing

Ads by safesaver. More Info | Hide These Ads

4 Creepy Ways 'Pokemon' Changed Since You Stopped Playing

By Mark Hill January 04, 2014 917,320 views Add to Favorites
Send

Even if you've never played a Pokemon game in your life, you're probably familiar with the basic premise. You travel around the world to capture and battle fictional creatures, all of which love fighting and never suffer any harm when they get clawed in the face or blasted by fire because that would be sad. It's about as wholesome and innocent as a series about magical cock fights can get. But the first Pokemon game came out over 15 years ago, and if you've long stopped paying attention, you'll be surprised by the bizarre things that have happened to the series. All those innocent kids who grew up with Pokemon aren't so innocent anymore, and that's why ...
Amazon Barnes & Noble Indie Bound Books A Million Penguin Group

#4. Players Became Obsessed With Math

The 9 Most Terrifying Attempts to Improve Popular Foods By Tim Parent
2,622,526 views

9 Ridiculous Cooking Myths You Probably Believe By Jeff Hanula

2,432,154 views

Photos.com

When you're a kid, playing Pokemon is easy: You pick the Pokemon that look rad and make them attack the other guy until someone wins. When you have a gigantic armored turtle armed with highly pressurized water cannons, it's not hard to determine your battle tactics.

5 Innocent Things That Science Says Make People Hate You By XJ Selman
1,439,999 views

The 6 Most Pointless Supervillain Schemes Ever Hatched By Diana McCallum

1,321,834 views

5 Things Everyone Forgets to Check When Apartment Hunting By John Cheese

1,094,078 views

The Pokemon Company "What if I didn't use my massive cannons? Wait, no, that's stupid."

Sure, there was some strategy, but as long as you didn't, say, send a walking flower to fight a

creature that's literally made of fire, you could hold your own against most foes. But then fans grew up and got serious about winning. They collectively said, "Hey, this game where monsters battle monsters is fun, but how can I add spreadsheets to it and get this MOTHERFUCKING PARTY STARTED FOR REAL!?" Like many games, Pokemon has a lot of math going on in the background -- there are hidden statistics and calculations that determine how strong your critters are, sort of like how supercomputers secretly control the elaborate simulation that is our existence. Dedicated gamers have gone through the looking glass and figured out the inner secrets of Pokemon. For example, here's how "individual values," one of several hidden statistics, are calculated:

Hilarious Missed Connections on Craigslist

Post ed: Ja n u a r y 0 8 , 2 0 1 4

Men Dressing Up Like Female Sex Dolls Is a Thing

Post ed: Ja n u a r y 0 8 , 2 0 1 4

We Almost Had Tupac in the 'Star Wars' Trilogy

Post ed: Ja n u a r y 0 8 , 2 0 1 4

The Most Ridiculous Wedding Cakes Ever

Post ed: Ja n u a r y 0 8 , 2 0 1 4
bulbapedia.bulbagarden.net

For those of you who don't feel like digging out your TI-89s to follow along, here's a practical application comparing two Pokemon:

These Drunk Fans Are the Worst

Post ed: Ja n u a r y 0 8 , 2 0 1 4

The Cracked Podcast

bulbapedia.bulbagarden.net

What, that doesn't make sense to you either? Well, don't look at me for an explanation -- I've played the majority of Pokemon games, but this still just looks like a calculator got diarrhea to me. The only context I can provide is that a Marill is this:

Pop Culture Expiration Dates: Why Music and Movies Go Bad

With Cracked Staff
GO LISTEN

Recommended Podcasts
1/10/14 TWO CHARTED 101
With
GO LISTEN

Minisode 79.5
The Pokemon Company Intensive research is clearly needed here.

With Paul Scheer

GO LISTEN

Intuition tells me that Marill B has an advantage over Marill A, but that's based solely on the shaky assumption that something called "thick fat" isn't as powerful as something called "huge power." I'm not going to bore you with the nitty-gritty details of Pokemon math, because reading about it actually makes you less physically attractive, but it boils down to this: All Pokemon of the same type will have slightly different attributes. That means some will be naturally stronger than others and some will have (not to get technical here) a certain "fatness" about the "thick area." You can therefore make sure your Pokemon is the best of its kind if you're willing to read long essays on the subject, invest many tedious hours in the game, and reduce your knowledge of sunlight to a hazy memory of what it once was. Gamers who want to be the very best (like no one ever was) have to catch or breed the same Pokemon over and over again until they get the characteristics they want, while releasing the inferior specimens into the wild to ultimately live richer and more fulfilling lives than the gamer ever would.
GO LISTEN GO LISTEN

Hollywild
With Scott Aukerman

Best of 2013 Pt 1
With

#3. It Secretly Got Dark

Collecting The Coats

With

GO LISTEN

The Pokemon Company

Everyone, I'd like you to meet Drifloon:

Popular Videos
The Pokemon Company "Drifloon" is the Japanese word for "Heart Feet and Ghost Poop Toupee."

Cute, right? These guys just float around, enjoy the open skies, and, uh, try to kidnap children. Yup, Drifloons are all attempted, and apparently sometimes successful, child snatchers. According to the official in-game descriptions, they try to pull away children who grab them, and any kid who mistakes Drifloons for balloons "could wind up missing." Suddenly the game where you make lightning squirrels murder fire dogs doesn't sound so innocent, does it?

How Internet Oversharing Could Save the Future

By Today's Topic | 2014-01-08

Every single Pokemon has bits of backstory to help explain why there are psychic creatures with IQs of 5,000 and slugs that could melt your face off just roaming the wilderness. Most of these descriptions are sensible, and often they're even quite cute. And then you've got wild balloons

Why 'Back to the Future' Is Secretly Horrifying

4,801,733 Views

looking to raise a generation of Lindbergh babies.

5 Classic Movie High Schools That Would Suck to Attend

2,845,834 Views

The Internet Party

2,271,116 Views

I'm just getting started. The developers have been sneaking in more and more of these creepy little stories. Here's a little fellow named Banette:

The Pokemon Company If it doesn't look disturbing enough for you, check out the erotic fan-art version.

A Banette is a doll that comes to life when its owner discards it. Upset about being neglected, it stalks the child who abandoned it like a twisted Japanese Toy Story. It casts curses on its enemies by using its own body as a voodoo doll (which suggests it doesn't quite know how voodoo works, but whatever). While most Pokemon are flesh and blood, this one is literally powered by the force of its own hateful grudge. Its only purpose in life is revenge. And it lives in garbage bins and dark alleys, so once a balloon lures a child there, it has the perfect spot to do the deed. Damn, being a kid in this world is rough. So, how do you get worse than child-murdering Pokemon? Well, just like in many a terrible plot twist, the real monster is you. Say hello to Yamask:

The Pokemon Company No, it's not scary because it has a massive prehensile penis. That's just a coincidence.

The story behind these poor bastards is that they're ancient spirits risen from the grave. The mask they carry resembles the human face they had long ago, and "Sometimes they look at it and cry." Sometimes they look at it and cry. You're capturing the souls of dead people and forcing them to battle for you, all while they remember their long gone loved ones in between bouts of sobbing. You've trapped them in an existential nightmare. To them, you're the devil. But hey, at least they'll have child murderers to keep them company.

Like 8,926 people like this. Be the first of your friends.

Prev

Page 1 of 2

Next

Like

8.9k

Tw eet

124

50

StumbleUpon

From Around the Web

Sponsored Content by Taboola

Av a Trade Rev iew: Streamlined Interface for Auto-Trading | Nir on ix Forex R

Smart Mobility for the Future, Toy ota Shows 3 Concept Cars at CES
T OY OT A

Discov er The 3 "Lov e Triggers" That Driv e Men Wild

Ju st For Me

A compilation of Lara Croft Cosplay girls is something I alway s W ebly hav est

5 Secret Celebrity Cellulite Remov al Tips

Ju st For Me T oda y

That's One Way To Stand Out

A m er ica n Liv e W ir e

8 Reasons Y ou Should Stop Drinking Pepsi | Fitnea Stay Fit

Fit n ea

5 Mistakes People Make When Try ing to Lose Weight

Da ily Hea lt h Post

Recommended For Your Pleasure

The 23 Most Surprising (True) Facts About Awful People

760,349 views

26 Mind-Blowing TRUE Facts About Everyday Products

596,758 views

6 Bizarre Real World Versions of Fictional Monsters

1,176,806 views

5 Ways to Beat Old-School Games Using Math

2,425,716 views

6 Sneaky Ways Movies and TV Shows Outsmarted the Censors

1,496,407 views

6 Hilariously Failed Attempts at Making Comics More Diverse

945,738 views

Mark Hill
Like 2.9m Tw eet 124

More by Mark Hill:

Other Columnists:

More by Mark Hill:

The 6 Craziest Pieces of Christmas Fan Fiction
December 24, 2013 | 294,239 Views

Other Columnists:

Michael Swaim

The 5 Best Places to Make (Creepy) Friends

December 05, 2013 | 414,449 Views

Ian Fortey

The 5 Most Aggressively Crazy Websites on the Internet

October 19, 2013 | 682,836 Views

David Wong

See More

See More

Ads by safesaver. More Info | Hide These Ads

Add New Comment

To turn on reply notifications, click here

Submit Comment

939 Comments

Recent

Votes

You

Show Profanity

Popeshaggy
01-10-2014 | 12:47 AM

+1

Boy, I sure am glad that I was already in high school when Pokemon came out. Because seriously, what the hell? I mean you don't see horrifying internet porn of Mario.... ooh wait, I just googled that, sorry my bad. Reply

BaffleBlend
01-09-2014 | 8:36 PM

I always hated the IV system... it always struck me as being creepily similar to eugenics. To explain for the non-fans, in order to get a pokmon with all-perfect IVs, you have to find one who naturally has one for each stat, and crossbreed them. And then crossbreed those. (Yes, there is a lot of incest involved.) And keep rolling the dice because the specific IVs kids inherit from the parents are random. So you'll often wind up with hundreds of rejects who don't have exactly the right combination, who you wind up outright deleting (Or "releasing", as the game calls it) or, in the newest games, putting into Wonder Trade, which throws them into the world to land in some random sucker's 3DS. There's a lot of weird morally-ambiguous gobbeldygook, I tell you what. Reply

BaffleBlend
01-09-2014 | 11:38 PM

That wasn't meant to be posted twice... damn faulty internet connection.

DenimMage
01-10-2014 | 1:41 AM

If you're going to start demonizing IV breeding, then you should back up and start looking at the more obvious terrible implications Pokmon has already had. I mean, you could write a large book filled with the awful genetic, scientific, political, and economic implications in Pokmon, not to mention the "this must have happened" horror stories that you often get putting various information in the dexes and the dialogue together...

BaffleBlend
01-09-2014 | 8:33 PM

I always hated the IV system... it always struck me as being creepily similar to eugenics. To explain for the non-fans, in order to get a pokmon with all-perfect IVs, you have to find one who naturally has one for each stat, and crossbreed them. And then crossbreed those. (Yes, there is a lot of incest involved.) And keep rolling the dice because the specific IVs kids inherit from the parents are random. So you'll often wind up with hundreds of rejects who don't have exactly the right combination, who you wind up outright deleting (Or "releasing", as the game calls it) or, in the newest games, putting into Wonder Trade, which throws them into the world to land in some random sucker's 3DS. There's a lot of weird morally-ambiguous gobbeldygook, I tell you what. Reply

wings
01-09-2014 | 2:32 PM

I find very hard to give a single f**k about pokemon nowadays Reply

Starhowl
01-09-2014 | 9:18 AM

Yeah I'd love to trade Pokemon with you. If you don't mind them slightly used. Reply

mutedsanity
01-09-2014 | 7:42 AM

He forgot Phantump. Literally the souls of dead children who died lost and alone in the woods turned into Pokemon. I guess Cubone as well, but he only wears the skull of his dead mother on his head, which, compared to the lost souls of dead children, is relatively pretty tame. Reply

philroco
01-08-2014 | 2:36 PM

+5

On second thought, lets not go onto the internets...tis a silly place! Reply

edgerunner
01-08-2014 | 10:26 AM

+3

Pokememon for the vibrator? No. Pokemoan. I mean, really, it was not that hard (that's what she said). I'll be here all week, try the squirtle. Reply

kevinlim15
01-08-2014 | 8:38 AM

-2

"and if you don't immediately see the problem with the concept of capturing girls, then that's probably something you've done in real life." Sorry but no, it's these kind of statements that make people think that computer games will blur the lines of reality and fiction, seriously this site does a s**t ton of fandom bashing believing all fandom nerds to be somewhat inferior to gamer nerds (Due to the fact that this site heavily protects it's ideal of being a hipster nerd like nerd) Reply

HG131
01-08-2014 | 3:39 AM

+3

With the Pokegirls thing, BDSM and master/slave fantasies are not immediately misogynistic. While there's certainly misogynists into it, there are plenty of non-douchebag men into it as well. Oftentimes, both they and the seriously-you-won't-believe-how-big-the-numbers-are amount of girls in the same subculture, both dommes and subs, enjoy fiction involving a universe where it's a normal part of life. I don't get why it's gone that insane with Pokemon, but to be fair, it's obviously seriously not for you. Reply

sparx21
01-07-2014 | 10:59 PM

+3

Pokemon always had an adult factor even in the 90s. I'm sure a lot of readers of this article know about the banned episodes and abandoned subplots that were ultimately left untranslated from the original Japanese. Besides that, I remember being very perplexed as a kid at just some of the stuff that went on during the English show. James from Team Rocket was clearly a repressed gay (or wanna be trans) man that was being dominated by Jesse in a verbally abusive manner. I remember an episode where he was just terrified of getting into a forced arranged marriage to a young attractive woman. The sheer amounts of camp gay stereotypes dumped on him pretty much tells the truth about the creator's intent (dressing in women's clothing, being obsessed with his appearance, and the effeminate body language...let alone banned Japanese canon has him clad in a bikini complete with boobies ). Team Rocket itself is like a mafia in all ways if you consider the crimes they commit and profit from. Also, the scale of the drama in the episodes is rival only to an adult soap opera. The scene when young, impoverished Meowth is being taught how to speak like humans nearly had me in tears as a kid and still makes me sad thinking about it today as an adult. Reply

Greenknightfury
01-08-2014 | 6:36 PM

Forget the episode...but I know Jesse was dressed as a dominatrix (black leather bustiere, skintight black leather pants, riding crop) at least once in an English episode.

pastanaut
01-07-2014 | 10:11 PM

+1

I went to Mark's website and the promised Pokemon erotic fiction was mysteriously absent. I can't decide if I'm relieved or disappointed. Okay, I'm disappointed. Reply

barkido
01-07-2014 | 6:58 PM

pokemon menstrual pad ???? HOLY s**t SERIOUSLY ??? pokemon vibrator looks okay tough but why Metal ??? Reply

Greenknightfury
01-08-2014 | 6:39 PM

Those bullet-like metal ones are just as common(if not more so) than plastic ones (most of those are bullet-like as well) and at least one reason is obvious: Easy cleaning.

mickeyten
01-07-2014 | 1:22 PM

+12

12

So many Pokemon players in the comments. Haha, I laugh at your sad obsession with forcing adorable animals to battle to the death endlessly in a video game format. Laugh. Now if you'll excuse me I have to log into WoW and level my battle pets some more. I've almost got my Emperor Crab to Level 25, and he'll learn Whirlpool, which will let me take down that Elemental trainer at last!! Reply

Sonnera
01-07-2014 | 10:57 AM

+5

Oh man...I used to play pokemon competitively and all those numbers make sense to me. There are too many things like stats, abilities, move sets, typing etc to memorize on too many Pokemon now though. Its not sustainable the way its going. Reply

rexbobcat
01-07-2014 | 10:41 AM

+4

Pshaw, the cartoon/game ain't got nothing on the manga. I remember in like the first or second manga in the whole series Ash goes to Lavender Town. It's creepy in the game with the music and the ghosts in the tower and whatnot, but in the manga, it's not just "ghosts." Zombies of dead Pokemon, most notably an Arbok and a Cubone with its rotting eye still in the socket, begin attacking Ash and then when Ash begins fighting them they are illustrated being ripped apart by (I think) by Pikachu's attack into a pile of rotten flesh on the floor. I read that manga ten years ago and it still just sits on my brain...festering...like a lump of rotten Pokeflesh. Reply

BlueSuedeGoo
01-07-2014 | 12:00 AM

-7

11

Into the gulags with these weeabo weirdos. They are an accessory to the demise of this country See All 3 Replies Hide All Reply

HG131
01-08-2014 | 3:41 AM

-2

Let's just EXTERMINATE conservatives instead.

Greenknightfury
01-08-2014 | 6:41 PM

Well....either that was a Stalin or Hitler impersonation...or a mashup of the two as you mixed a paraphrased Stalin quote and a Hitler quote.

GerardLimbo
01-06-2014 | 11:27 PM

-2

LOL Reply

Blackjack13
01-06-2014 | 10:57 PM

+8

I was with you on the first two, but then your top selections lost me. The series has more than enough creepy s**t in it WITHOUT the fandom--and as creepiness goes, canon ALWAYS trumps fanon. And how in the world could you leave out how the PLOTLINES have gotten darker and darker? At first it was just Team Rocket out for money because somehow animal cruelty could apparently accomplish that, and then they brought in Aqua and Magma, who would have been fearsome ecoterrorists if they hadn't both flunked Earth Science 101 (though in their hilarious ignorance they manage to be the most potentially damaging groups out of all of them). And then gen 4 gave us Team Galactic, out to destroy the universe because their leader was emotionally abused and thus came to see feelings as the root of all evil. Gen 5 stepped back a bit with Team Plasma but they had the biggest Complete Monster in the entire franchise, Ghetsis, as their helm, even if his plan of world domination is considerably calmer. And Gen 6 gives us Team Flare, who, in order to preserve resources and keep the world beautiful, plans to kill every sumbitch in the area who isn't one of them...the most horrifying part being that they awaken a megaweapon that was used to stop a war a few thousand years ago by, yes, killing every sumbitch in the area. And let's not forget the side games! Orre's history alone is awash in both massive crime and some unspecified natural disaster that made it nearly impossible for pokemon to live there. Think about that. Pokmon are almost indestructible. They can live anywhere, up to and including space itself, and yet they can't live in Orre. And you left these things OUT? See All 3 Replies Hide All Reply

Meridgon
01-07-2014 | 2:59 PM

In B2/W2, Ghetsis even tried to kill you, but N luckily stopped him. Yeah, definetly got darker.

Ericthebearjew
01-08-2014 | 5:47 PM

If you think about it, Lysandre's plan is basically inbreeding.

4thMonth
01-06-2014 | 10:53 PM

+2

It's such a funny coincidence that this came out a week after I rediscovered my old Crystal version. I had stopped caring about the franchise after the second generation so after all this time I had forgotten what a lot of the moves did and how some of the Pokemon evolved I had the awful mistake of googling it.

My childhood is attempting to bathe in Purell. Reply

More Comments

About
Advertise Write for Cracked Contact Us Link to Us Sitemap Terms & Conditions Privacy Policy AdChoices

Cracked Mobile Apps iOS

Cracked Reader for iPhone Reader for iPad Best of 2011 for iOS

Popular Topics
Boobs Zombies Hipsters Urban Legends Skyrim

Stay Connected
Like us on Facebook
Like 2.9m

Follow us on Twitter
Follow @cracked

Android
Cracked Asstrology Cracked Reader for Android Best of 2011 for Android

Sign up for our weekly Newsletter

Enter Email Address Here:

Sign up

Ads by safesaver. More Info | Hide These Ads

Mobile | Desk top

Cracked, Cracked.com, the "Cracked" logo, and Demand Media are each a trademark or a registered trademark of Demand Media, Inc. in the United States and/or other countries. Copyright 2007-2013. Demand Media, Inc.