DEVELOPING ASSERTIVE MESSAGES

The three parts of assertive message

A non-judgmental description of behaviour to be changed A disclosure of the asserters feelings A clarification of the concrete and tangible effect of the other persons

When people wont let you alone, its because you havent learned how to make them do it. - David Seabury, psychologist

m-hafila@utm.my

DEVELOPING ASSERTIVE MESSAGES

The three parts of assertive message Behaviour + Feelings + Effects When you dont clean the counter after making snacks I feel very annoyed Because it makes more work for me.

When people wont let you alone, its because you havent learned how to make them do it. - David Seabury, psychologist

m-hafila@utm.my

DEVELOPING ASSERTIVE MESSAGES

The I message
Your perspective of the situation + Your feelings about the situation + Your wants regarding the situation. I think I think we have a lot in common.

I feel

Spending the evening with you has been a lot of fun. I want to get to know you better, and Id like to go out with you again next Saturday night.
- David Seabury, psychologist

I want

When people wont let you alone, its because you havent learned how to make them do it.

m-hafila@utm.my

DEVELOPING ASSERTIVE MESSAGES

The I message
Your perspective of the situation + Your feelings about the situation + Your wants regarding the situation. I I understand you think... understand I feel However, I feel

I suggest

Therefore I suggest

When people wont let you alone, its because you havent learned how to make them do it. - David Seabury, psychologist

m-hafila@utm.my

Examples of judgmental behavior

Judgmental
Youre such a lazy bump...

Non-judgmental
o When you dont do your part around the house (fuzzy) o When you dont make your bed before going to lecture

(specific) Youre so ignorance and irresponsible... You stupid! You always block my car! Dont you know how to park a car? Youre very childish to leave the meeting just because Joshua criticize you.
o When you ignore company policy (fuzzy) o When you arrive late for work three times this

week... (specific) o When you park so that my car is blocked in at noon...

o When you left the meeting before it ended ... o When you left the meeting just because Joshua criticize

you...

Dont be rude! You have to wait for your turn to talk.

When you cut off me before I was finished...

m-hafila@utm.my

Examples of judgmental behaviour

Judgmental When you behave like a male chauvinistic pig ...

When you have constipation of the brain and diarrhoea of the mouth ... (Note: Avoid character assassination) When youre never on time ...
(Note: Avoid absolutes like never, always, etc.)

Non-judgmental
o When you say women are incapable of being

effective managers ...

o When you repeatedly talk more than others in

the class ...

o When youre frequently late in picking me up ...

Dont be rude! You have to wait for your turn to talk.

When you cut off me before I was finished... o When you interrupt me before I have completed my statement BACK
o

m-hafila@utm.my

Examples of Three Styles of Relating

Situation 1 You are in a packed theater. The people behind you keep talking in a fairly loud voice, distracting you from the plot and detracting you from your enjoyment of the movie. The theater is so crowded that you cannot change seats. How would someone respond: 1. Submissively 2. Aggressively 3. Assertively
m-hafila@utm.my 7

Three Styles of Relating Interpersonally

Submissive Response
Say nothing. You suffer in silence.

m-hafila@utm.my

Three Styles of Relating Interpersonally

Aggressive Behaviour

Aggressive Response:
You turn around and snarl at them : Dont you have any respect for others? If you dont shut up immediately, Ill call the manager and have him throw you out of the theater

m-hafila@utm.my

Three Styles of Relating Interpersonally

Assertive Behaviour
Characteristics Standing up for ones own rights without infringing upon others Confident in expressing own thoughts, feelings, beliefs and desires (Always make direct statements) Open and listens to others opinions Not easily intimidated and persuaded by others Can make direct requests and direct refusals Can give and received compliments Open to negotiation and compromise, but not at the expense of own rights. Deal effectively with criticisms, without becoming hostile or defensive.

m-hafila@utm.my

10