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Are You a Drama Mama? Know When to Back Off By Cynthia Hanson Are you a drama mama?

Know when to back off! Your child has a fight with a frien d. She s in tears; you re furious and ready to defend her. But should you? In this a ge of helicopter parenting, it s hard not to step in when you see your child in a social dilemma. But that s not always the answer. In recent years, I ve seen a trend of mothers confronting other mothers by phone or email, or in person to resolve their kids social issues; I call it Mama Drama, says Joyce Marter, a psychotherapist and the owner of Urban Balance LLC in Chicago. I t s problematic on several levels: It not only crosses boundaries, but also preven ts kids from developing coping skills and learning that it s not a perfect world w here everybody always gets along and gets included. Laurie Zelinger, a child psychologist and the author of Please Explain Anxiety t o Me! Simple Biology and Solutions for Children and Parents, agrees. Social sligh ts occur and recur throughout life, she says. You lived through them, so your chil d deserves the opportunity to live through them too. Here are some common kid dramas your child may face, and how to help her survive them without being a drama mama. Drama: Your second-grader is hurt because she didn t get invited to a classmate s bi rthday party. Solution: Don t call the birthday child s mom and demand an invite for your child. N ot only is this rude, but it also puts the mom in an awkward position if she has limited space or money for the party. Instead, help your child deal with her disappointment by sharing your own sadnes s about times when you were left out of parties or clubs. Remind her that she di dn t invite the entire class to her last birthday party, and, if the classmate isn t a close friend of hers, point that out. Finally, suggest a get-together with he r true pals. The real problem might be that she needs more social interaction, say s Marter. Drama: Your son complains that no one plays with him at recess. Solution: Talk to your child about being excluded, and make supportive statement s I bet you never expected that to happen to validate his feelings. If you ask too many questions, you ll sound like a detective and put him on the defensive, caution s Fred Zelinger, a child and family psychologist in Cedarhurst, N.Y. You ll end up getting less information than you would in a normal parent-child conversation, w here he tells you something and you respond with a comment. Call or email his teacher, explain the situation and ask if she s noticed anything that might be causing the problem. Maybe your child is being left out because h e doesn t play fair or gloats too much when he wins. You can t force other kids to pl ay with him at recess, but you can coach him on his behavior and how to engage a different group of kids, says Marter. Urge him to be assertive and say things lik e, I want to play this game too. Drama: Your 10-year-old is on the outs with her BFF a good friend of yours. whose mom just happens to be

Solution: Since you re close with the other mother, it s OK for both of you to help the girls resolve their differences, according to Marter. First, ask your daught er what caused the rift, keeping in mind that she s telling only one side of the s

tory. Be supportive It hurts when your friend is mad at you, doesn t it? she try a heart-to-heart to end the fight.

and suggest

From there, discuss the issue with your friend without placing blame on anyone: I t s hard to watch our girls go through this. It s probably just a misunderstanding. Let s get them to sit down and work it out. Says Marter: Give your child the tools s he needs to have an effective conversation with her friend, but don t have the con versation for her.

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