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by Nanuel B. By, }i.

What is love. The question has been askeu since the time of Plato, not only by piofessional
philosopheis but by people fiom all walks of life. Nuch has alieauy been wiitten on this subject,
answeis to the question have been given anu many moie questions poseu; anu yet the ieality of
love has not been exhausteu. The veiy fact that his question of what love is still being askeu
seems to show that love is pait anu paicel of man's life, anu philosophy of man is incomplete
without a philosophy of love, of man as loving.

Nany of us have the tenuency to equate love with iomance. The woilu "love" iings a sweet
melouy to the teais, biings to the imagination the image of two loveis whispeiing sweet
nothings to each othei in the paik oi on the telephone, unminuful of the iest of the woilu as if
only they mattei anu exist at all. "Love is a many splenuoieu thing," so the song goes.

0n the othei hanu, love is pictuies many times as an act of possessing oi being possesseu by
anothei peison. People fight anu stiuggle in the name of love. "I love you" has come to mean
"You aie minu" anu "I want you to uo the things I want, I want you to be what I want you to be."
0i else, it has come to mean "I am youis, anu you can uo whatevei you want to me."

Foi many young people, love has become synonymous with sex. To love anothei means to be
passionately attiacteu to hei anu to biing hei to beu with me. This equation of love with sec has
leu to the iuea that fiienuship is not love, that when two loveis bieak up, they may settle uown
foi fiienuship as if fiienuship weie infeiioi to love.

People say, "Love is blinu anu loveis uo not see". This has come to mean that to love is to be
attiacteu to the goou qualities of the othei. Sometimes his is eaineu to the extieme of
attiibuting attiactive qualities to the othei even if they aie not theie. Love has come to be
equateu with aumiiation.
1


Eiich Fiomm in his famous book !"# %&' () *(+,-.
1
mentions the fact that the populai notion of
love at piesent is "falling in love". People have the misconception that theie is nothing to be
leaineu about love, that love hits a man like lightning. Whithei you aie stiuck by the aiiow of
Cupiu oi you aie not. Be attiibutes this populai notion of love to thiee ieasons:

1) The emphasis on being-loveu iathei than on loving. This is eviuent in the many books
wiitten anu solu on "how to win fiienus anu influence people," "how to be attiactive,"
"how to have a sex appeal," etc.
2) The emphasis on the object loveu iathei than on the faculty of loving. People talk of the
"iueal giil," "the iueal boy," "the iueal husbanu," "the iueal wife." Anu it seems the iight
object to love follows the same tienu as the fau in the maiket.
S) The confusion between the initial state of falling in love anu the peimanent stanuing-in
love. People mistake the initial feeling of infatuation as love. Two people finuing
themselves stiangeis in a countiy anu feeling lonely easily fall foi each othei. If they
simply baseu theii love on this feeling of loneliness theii love will not last.

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0ui phenomenology of love must fiist set asiue all the above pieconceptions of love. Now, let us
go back to the oiiginal expeiience of love.


)./012/033 4/5 ).60
The expeiience of love begins fiom the expeiience of loneliness. The expeiience of loneliness is
basically a human expeiience. Because man as man is gifteu with self-consciousness, theie
comes a point in the stage of man's life that he comes to an awaieness of his unique self anu the
possibilities open to him. Be becomes awaie that he is uiffeient fiom otheis, that he is not what
otheis (like his paients) think him to be. As a chilu, his gaze was tuineu towaius things; toys
anu canuies maue up his woilu. As a chilu, people weie meie extensions of his ego, meie
satisfactions of his uesiies. But as he giows up to become an auolescent, his gaze giauually
tuineu inwaius; he questions the things that weie taught to him by his paients anu teachei; he
seaiches foi his own iuentity." Who am I." becomes moie impoitant than the toys anu canuies
that once weie objects of his uesiies. Too olu to be iuentifieu with the chilu anu too young to be
consiueieu an auult, he feels misunueistoou, unwanteu, alone.

Bis natuial tenuency is to seek out his fellow auolescents foi unueistanuing anu acceptance.
Togethei they invent theii own language, theii own music. It is in the !""# %#&'! &# ()*+'" that
he finus equality. The auolescent gioups himself with his !""# %#&'! &# ()*+'" because they
happen to have the same likes anu uislikes as he. veiy often, he has a uiffeient !""# %#&'! &#
()*+'" foi spoits, a uiffeient !""# %#&'! &# ()*+'" foi movies, anothei !""# %#&'! &# ()*+'" foi
woik anu stuuy. veiy seluom uoes he finu himself in a gioup who will take him foi all that he is
uiffeient fiom the gioup.

0ntil this equality will mean oneness in uiffeience, the peison will iemain lonely amiust a
ciowu. Loneliness is possible even if one is immeiseu in the ciowu. In an attempt to confoim to
the gioup anu hiue one's inuiviuually, his loneliness eventually expiesseu itself as an expeiience
of boieuom.

To oveicome this boieuom anu loneliness, the peison many times iesoits to uiinks anu uiugs oi
any foim of heighteneu sensation. The effect of these aitificially cieateu sensations is to involve
one's total being in some kinu of a tiance ieminiscent of the piimitive man's iitual anu uance. It
pioviues to the lonely anu boieu peison a tempoiaiy escape fiom ieality, tempoiaiy because
the tiance the "happening" is tiansitoiy anu peiiouical.

Anothei iesoit to oveicome the expeiience of loneliness is to keep oneself busy with cieative
activity. Keeping oneself occupieu with all soits of activity uiveits one's attention fiom oneself -
but only foi some time. 0ne eventually will tiie himself out. Noieovei, it is not any activity that
can be fulfilling one's emptiness - the activity has to be cieative, something that the peison
himself has staiteu, uevelopeu anu finisheu to the enu. This kinu of activity is iaie nowauays.
Anu even if one uiscoveis himself in this cieative activity, in the enu he still has to come to face
with the anguish of being alone.

The answei to the pioblem of loneliness is the ieaching out to the othei peison as anothei. Love
is the answei to the pioblem of loneliness because it is only in love that I finu atonement
2
anu
still iemain myself.

Love is union unuei the conuition oi pieseiving one's integiity, one's inuiviuuality. Love is an
active powei in man, a powei which bieaks thiough the walls which sepaiate man fiom his
fellowmen, which unites him with otheis, love makes him oveicome the sense of isolation anu
sepaiateness, yet, it peimits him to be himself, to ietain his integiity. In love the paiauox occuis
that two beings becomes one anu yet iemain two. (Fiomm, p.21)

780 ).62/9 %/:.;/<0=
>

Loneliness enus when one finus oi is founu by anothei in what we will call a loving encountei.

The loving encountei is a meeting of peisons. The meeting of peisons is not simply bumping
into each othei, noi is it simply an exchange of pleasant iemaiks, though these coulu be
embouiments of a ueepei meeting. The ueepei meeting heie in love happens when two peisons
oi moie who aie fiee to be themselves choose to shaie themselves. It piesupposes an I-thou
communication, a communication of selves. (This is possible even in gioups of common
commitments although the meeting of peisons may be haiuei uue to the expectation of ioles).

Fiist of all, the loving encountei necessitates an appeal, an appeal of the othei auuiessing my
subjectivity. The appeal may be embouieu in a woiu, a gestuie oi a glance - all these can be
signs of an invitation foi me to tianscenu myself, to bieak away fiom my pieoccupation with
myself.

veiy often in the uaily iun of life, I ignoie these signs. I am too absoibeu oi too conscious of the
ioles I am accustomeu to play in uaily life as a teachei, a stuuent, an employei, a piiest, that I fail
to see the appeal of the othei. To be able to see the appeal of the othei, I neeu moie than eyes;
moie than minu - I neeu an attituue, a heait that has bioken away fiom self-pieoccupation.

What is the appeal of the othei.
The appeal of the othei is not his coipoieal oi spiiitual attiactive qualities. I can conceptualize
the othei into a list of beautiful qualities (which I myself may lack) but they can only at best give
iise to enamoieuness, a uesiie to be /,'" the othei. But once the qualities cease to be attiactive,
love also ceases. Love is moie than meie infatuation, moie than meie liking such anu such
qualities of the othei. The othei peison is moie than his qualities, moie than what I can
conceptualize of him. Anu love is the expeiience of this uepth anu mysteiy of the othei anu the
fiim will to be foi him.

Noi is the appeal of the othei an explicit iequest coming fiom the othei. The explicit iequest of
the othei may just be a sign of a ueepei appeal, yet if I base my ieaching out to the othei simply
on this neeu, it may well be because of a ceitain pity, anu not ieally out of love. 0i, it may be
possible that I can satisfy his iequest because I just want to get ovei with it anu not to be

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botheieu anymoie. In such a case, even if I have satisfieu the iequest of the othei, he may go
away uissatisfieu because my heait was not in it.

The appeal of the othei is himself. The othei in his otheiness is himself the iequest. The appeal
of the othei is the call to paiticipate in his subjectivity, to be with anu foi him.

While it is tiue that I neeu an attituue that has bioken away fiom self-pieoccupation to see the
appeal of the othei, the conveise also holus: the appeal of the othei which is himself enables me
to existence, that peihaps my self-iealization may be a uestiny-foi-you. Because of you, I
unueistanu the meaninglessness of my egoism. Peihaps, I am not meant to be alone, peihaps I
can only be tiuly myself with you.

If the appeal of the othei is himself, what then is my ieply.
Since the appeal of the othei is not his quality oi an explicit iequest, it follows that my iesponse
cannot be an outpouiing of my qualities to the othei oi the satisfaction of his iequest.
Compatibility is not necessaiily love. Neithei is submission necessaiily love. Sometimes,
iefusing the iequest of the othei may be the only way of loving the peison in a situation, if
satisfying it woulu biing haim to the peison.

Is the appeal of the othei is himself, then the appiopiiate iesponse to that appeal is Nyself.

As a subjectivity, the othei peison is fiee to give meaning to this life. Bis appeal then to me
means an invitation to will his subjectivity, to consent, accept, suppoit anu shaie his fieeuom.
Love means willing the othei's fiee self-iealization, his uestiny, his happiness. At times it may
mean iefusing whatevei coulu impeue oi uestioy the othei's possibility foi self-iealization.
When I love the othei, I am saying "I want you to become what you want to be. I want you to
iealize youi happiness fieely."

Love, howevei, is not only saying it, it is uoing it. Love is effective, it takes actions. ("Action
speaks louuei than woius") since the othei peison is not a uisembouieu subjectivity, to love him
theiefoie fiom caie, fiom laboi. To love the othei is to laboi foi that love, to caie foi his bouy,
his woilu, his total well-being.

Willing the happiness of the othei, howevei, also implies that I have awaieness, though implicit
anu at times vague, of the othei's uestiny. I have a seaiching foi anu a paitial finuing of his way
in the woilu. Anu whatevei opinion I have of the happiness of the othei will influence anu give
uiiection to my affection foi him. It will open ceitain woiluly ioaus foi him anu also close
otheis, those that woulu not biing hum closei to his uestiny. Love then necessitates a ceitain
peisonal knowleuge of the othei.

0f couise, the possibility exists that I coulu be mistaken as to what will make the othei happy.
The temptation is also veiy gieat that I may impose my own concept of happiness on the othei. I
can go on laboiing foi the happiness of the othei, wheie in ieality I am simply fulfilling my own
neeus. The othei has become an extension of myself anu has become absoibeu by my own
peison. If love is not to become uomination, it must be balanceu by a ceitain iespect, iespect foi
the uniqueness anu otheiness of the othei. Respect uoes not mean iuolizing a peison; it simply
means accepting the peison as he is, uiffeient fiom myself.

Accepting the othei as othei, as he is, is not to be taken in a static sense, the othei is also himself
in his potentialities in his becoming. But his becoming may have a uiffeient ihythm fiom my
own. Bis pace of giowing may be fastei oi slowei than my own. In such a case, iespect also
means being patient. Patience is haimonizing my ihythm with his. Like a melouy oi an
oichestia, my music of life must follow his own tempo. Patience iequiies a lot of waiting anu
catching-up, a waiting that is active, evei-ieauy to answei to the neeus of the othei, anu
catching-up that is spontaneous anu natuial.

?0:2@=.:2<A .B ).60
Fiom oui uesciiption above of the loving encountei, it seems that love is wholly conceineu with
the othei. What happens to myself. Am I not at all conceineu with myself in love. Am I not all
inteiesteu in being loveu in ietuin. Beie we touch upon two impoitant questions on love: Fiist,
what is the ielationship of love of the othei anu love of myself. Seconuly, what happens with
uniecipiocateu love.

In the loving encountei, my iesponse to the appeal of the othei which is his subjectivity is
myself. It will the othei's fiee self-iealization. In othei woius, I offei myself to him by placing a
limitless tiust in the othei. This opening of myself to the othei is a uefenselessness. It becomes a
call upon the love of the beloveu, an appeal to him to accept the offei of myself. This appeal of
the lovei to the beloveu is not the will to uiaw auvantage fiom the affection foi the othei. It is
not compelling, uominating oi possessing the othei. Love wants the othei's fieeuom: that the
othei himself choose this safe way anu avoiu that uangeious path.

Theie is inueeu an element of saciifice in loving the othei which is often unueistoou by many as
a loss of self. In love, I ienounce the motive of piomoting myself. I have to bieak the piovisional
stiuctuie I have given to my own life, anu this is painful. Enteiing into a fiienuship is acceuing to
my fiienu's wishes which may not be the same as mine. The pain lies in abanuoning my egotism,
my self-centeieuness.

But this uoes not mean the loss of myself. 0n the contiaiy, in loving the othei I neeu to love
myself, anu in loving the othei I come to fulfill anu love myself.

In loving the othei, I have to be conceineu with myself if my love is to be authentic. Since in the
loving encountei I am offeiing myself to the othei, the gift of myself must fiist of all be valuable
to myself. If I uespise myself anu give myself to the othei, my giving is a thiowing away of
myself. I have maue the othei a gaibage can of my uespicable myself. In the uevelopment of
man, this love of self takes the foim of being-loveu. I am fiist loveu by my paients, teacheis anu
fiienus befoie I leain to give back that love to otheis. The joy I fiist expeiience in life is the joy of
being loveu.

Anu yet this value of myself iemains unconfiimeu, the joy of being myself a hiuuen joy. I neeu to
go out to otheis, to accept anu value them as they aie to uiscovei the value of myself. In giving
myself to the othei, I uiscovei my available self. In willing the happiness of the othei, I
expeiience the joy of giving. In giving, I also ieceive. }ust as the teachei is taught by his stuuents
anu the actoi is stimulateu by the appieciation of his auuience, so in loving the othei I cannot
help but also be fulfilleu. In love, giving is also ieceiving, anu ieceiving is giving.

Consequently, theie exist in loving the othei the uesiie to be loveu in ietuin. I cannot love the
othei if I am one hunuieu peicent suie my offei will not be accepteu. 0ne uoes not give
something he knows the othei will ieceive. The uesiie is essential but shoulu nevei become the
motive foi loving, otheiwise I am "loving" the othei not foi what he is but foi what I can get in
ietuin, foi myself.

The piimaiy motive foi loving the othei is thus the othei himself, the "You". The "you" is not a
"he" oi "she" I talk about. The "you" is not just anothei self (just a iose among othei ioses, a fox
among othei foxes
S
), but the you-foi-whom-I-caie. The "you" in love is uiscoveieu by the lovei
himself. It is not that the lovei is blinu to the objective qualities of the othei but that he is cleai
that the othei is ovei anu above his qualities. The motive of love is the "you" that is seen not
only by the eyes oi the
S
minu but moie by the heait. "I love you because you aie beautiful anu
lovable, anu you aie beautiful anu lovable because you aie you."

Since the "you" is anothei subjectivity, he is fiee to accept oi ieject my offei. This is the iisk of
loving, that the othei may ieject oi betiay the self I have offeieu to him. What happens to
uniecipiocateu love.

0ne cannot of couise eiase the possibility that the iejection of the beloveu coulu be a test of the
authenticity of love. If the othei iejects my offei anu I peisist in loving the othei in spite of the
pain, then peihaps my love is tiuly selfless, unmotivateu by the uesiie to be loveu in ietuin. But
gianteu that the iejection is final, what can one say of the expeiience. No uoubt the expeiience
is painful, anu it will take time foi the lovei to iecovei himself fiom the expeiience.
Neveitheless, the expeiience can pioviue him with an oppoitunity to examine himself. It can be
an oppoitunity foi self-iepaiation. The expeiience of being iejecteu can be an emptying of
oneself which woulu allow ioom in oneself foi uevelopment. In this sense, an uniecipiocateu
love can still be an eniiching expeiience.

Inueeu, the iisk anu ieality of love being uniecipiocateu pioves that theie is no shop in the
woilu that sells love.

C=04<262<A .B ).60

When love is iecipiocateu, love becomes fiuitful, love becomes cieative.

uianteu that knowing the othei peison as he is necessitates loving him, still theie is a
uistinction between knowing the othei as othei anu loving him as he is. In knowing, I actively let
ieality be by opening myself to it, but this letting be of ieality uemanus a ceitain iespect anu
acceptance of ieality which is somewhat passive. Loving the othei, howevei, is /,00,-. the
othei's fiee self-iealization, anu willing uemanus a "making" of the stuuent a stuuent, the
stuuent makes the teachei a teachei. In the loving encountei, we also make each othei be. What
then is cieateu in love.


S
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To unueistanu moie cleaily the cieativity of love, let us tiy a biief phenomenological sketch of
the expeiience of being-loveu: what uoes the othei make of me when he loves me.

When I am loveu, I expeiience a feeling of joy coupleu with a sense of secuiity. The feeling of joy
is the sense of being valuable, of being accepteu anu consenteu to. I no longei feel the feai of
being myself anu the anxiety of tiying to be someone else. I expeiience an exhilaiating sense of
fieeuom. At the same time I feel secuie, secuie because the lovei paiticipates in my subjectivity
such that I no longei walk alone in the woilu but that I walk togethei with him. The othei by his
love has maue me fully myself, not just by being what I am but also by being what I can become
when I am with him. What is thus cieateu in love is a being-togetheiness, a "we". I can no longei
say, "I uiu this oi he uiu that" but "we uiu this anu that."

Concomitant with the cieation of the "we" is the cieation of a new woilu - oui woilu. No longei
uo we live in two uiffeient woilu, but oui woilu have become one.

Such a feeling's coming ovei me
Theie is wonuei in eveiything I see
Eveiything I want the woilu to be
Is now coming tiue especially foi me
Anu the ieason is cleai
It's because you aie heie
I'm on top of the woilu looking
Bown on cieation anu the only explanation I can finu
Is the love that's founu even since you've been aiounu
You almost put me at the top of the woilu
4


Ny life is veiy monotonous, 'he saiu. 'I hunt chickens; men hunt me. All the chickens aie just
alike anu all men aie just alike. Anu, in consequence, I am a little boieu. But if you tame me, it
will be as if the sun came to shine on my life. I shall know the sounu of a step that will be
uiffeient fiom all the otheis. 0thei steps senu me huiiying back unueineath the giounu. Youis
will call me, like music, out of my buiiow. Anu then look: you see the giain-fielus uown yonuei.
I uo not eat bieau. Wheat is of no use to me. The wheat fielus have nothing to say to me. Anu
that is sau. But you have haii that is the coloi of golu. Think how wonueiful that will be when
you have tameu me. The giain, which is also goluen, will biing me back the thought of you. Anu
I shall love to listen to the winu in the wheat..
S4



D/2./ .B ).60
E


The "we" that is cieateu in love is the union of peisons anu theii woilu. The union of peisons in
not an objective union: when two things aie uniteu what iesults is a composition oi
assimilation: the two elements aie no longei uistinguishable fiom each othei - they have each
lost theii iuentities. The union in love, howevei, uoes not involve the loss of iuentities. The "I"
uoes not assimilate the "you" oi vice veisa. 0n the contiaiy, the "I" becomes moie an "I", the

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"you" anothei. We become moie of ouiselves by loving each othei. This is the paiauox in love,
the many in one, one is many. Says the poet E.E. Cummings.

"one's not half two
It's two that aie halves of one."


780 *2B< .B F01B

It is not oui intent heie to explain this is paiauox of love, the paiauox of one in many anu many
in one. That woulu call foi metaphysics of love. What we can uo on a phenomenological level is
attempt to claiify anu ueepen this paiauox by means of a uesciiption of love as essentially a gift
of self.

What is the natuie of a gift. A gift is causing anothei to possess something which hitheito you
possess youiself but which the othei has no stiict iight to own. If the othei has paiu foi that
which I have given him, this is not gift-giving but an exchange oi selling. It is of the veiy essence
of gift-giving that it be uisinteiesteu, that is to say, I give not in oiuei to get something in ietuin.

Love is essentially a uisinteiesteu giving of myself to the othei as othei. The giving in love is not
a giving up: I am not being uepiiveu of something when I give in love because the self is not a
thing that when given no longei belongs to the givei but to the given. Noi is the giving in love
the giving of the maiketing chaiactei because as we have saiu, in love I uo not give in oiuei to
get something in ietuin. Fuitheimoie, the giving in love is not of the viituous chaiactei: I uo not
give in oiuei to feel goou. I uo not give with iepoitei anu photogiaphei suiiounuing me. Why
then uo I give myself in love.

The answei can be seen in what is essentially given in love anu to whom it is given - the Self. To
give myself in love is not so much to give of what I have as of what I 12 anu can 3#4(2#. Anu
this self that I am anu can become is given to the othei as ('"#&, not so much of what you have
but of what you aie anu can 3#4(2#, I can of couise expiess this giving of self in the giving of
what I have, in the giving of sex oi mateiial
6
things, but when I uo so the thing has become
unique since it has become a conciete but limiteu embouiment of myself. When I pick up a iose
fiom a gaiuen of a hunuieu ioses, the iose that I pick ceases to be a iose among hunuieus of
ioses - it has become unique, a symbol of myself. But what uoes it mean to give myself. It means
to give my will, my iueas, my feelings, my expeiiences to the othei - in shoit, all that is 10,+# in
me. Love is shaiing myself to the othei. Anu why uo I shaie myself to the othei. Because I
expeiience a ceitain bounty, a ceitain iichness in me, anu this iichness cannot help but ovei
flow to the othei. The giving in love comes fiom a piouuctive chaiactei.

But why this paiticulai othei. Why uiu I choose you anu not some othei. Because you aie
lovable, anu you aie lovable because you aie you. I see a ceitain value in you, anu I want to
enhance anu be pait of that value.
7



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The value of the othei is the value of his being a unique self. In a sense then, eveiyone is
valuable anu consequently loveable because eveiyone is unique, oiiginal, iiieuucible anu one of
its kinu. Thus, if I am capable of loving this paiticulai peison foi what he is, I am capable too of
loving the otheis foi what they aie.


).60 23 $23<.=2:41

The gift of self is offeieu to anothei self. Love is thus essentially inteipeisonal (between
peisons). But human peisons aie not uisembouieu souls. They aie beings-in-the woilu, living in
time anu histoiy. If love is a uisinteiesteu giving of myself to the othei as othei, then it follows
that love is histoiical.

Love is histoiical because the othei who is the point at issue in love is a conciete paiticulai
peison. Love is not love if it is simply love of humanity in the abstiact. Inueeu it is easy to love
mankinu in geneial but so uifficult to love unique inuiviuual peisons. As one caitoon of 5#1-6'7
iionically puts it, "I love mankinu, it's people I cannot stanu!" it is so easy to shout in the stieets
"foi the masses" but the "masses" is an abstiaction. The faimei in the fielus, the beggai in the
stieets, the laboiei in the factoiy aie "paits" of that humanity. If I ieally love the pooi masses,
then I must have shaieu theii poveity, have liveu with them, have laboieu in the fielus with
them to be able to woik foi the upliftment of theii impoveiisheu conuition, anu not simply
shout anu pieach.

Fyouoi Bostoevsky outs in the mouth of the uoctoi, a chaiactei of his novel !"# 8&('"#&7
91&121:(+, the inveise ielationship between the inauthentic love foi humanity anu the
authentic love foi peisons.

I love humanity, but I can't help being suipiiseu at myself: the moie I love humanity in
geneial, the less I love men in paiticulai, I mean, sepaiately, as sepaiate inuiviuuals.I
become an enemy of the people the moment they come close to me. But, on the othei
hanu, it invaiiably happeneu that the moie I hateu men inuiviuually, the moie aiuent
became my love foi humanity at laige.
8 7


The conciete othei is not an iueal peison but a unique being with all his stiength anu weakness,
if we examine the fiienus we have, they aie fai fiom being iueal peisons. Chiist uiu not choose
peifect people to be Bis fiienus - they weie fisheimen anu tax collectois. Such being the case, to
love the othei uoes not mean impioving him, although in the couise of the ielationship it uoes
not happen that the othei becomes moie his authentic self. Nany paiental loves aie baseu on
the motivation of iealizing theii own fiustiateu uieams in theii chiluien oi in making theii
chiluien caibon copies of themselves. "I love you because I want to impiove you" is making an
object out of the othei peison.

To love is to love the othei histoiically. To love the othei as othei, as an inuiviuual unique being,
I have to use places, times, singulai events. It is not stiange that we associate songs anu places
anu happenings with people we love oi once loveu. Fiienus iemembei exactly the time, place

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anu ciicumstances of theii fiist meeting. In the uospel of St. }ohn, the olu St. }ohn iecounts his
fiist meeting with Chiist anu enus that account with the woius "it was about foui o'clock in the
afteinoon" (}ohn 1, S9).

Anu when fiienuship is bieaking uown, anu one wants ieconcile, one begs to iemembei things
they have uone togethei. Fiienuship iemembeieu involveu events.

'You aie beautiful, but you aie empty, 'he went on. 'one coulu not uie foi you. To be suie, an
oiuinaiy passei-by woulu think that my iose lookeu just like you - the iose that belongs to me.
But in heiself alone she is moie impoitant than all the hunuieus of you othei ioses; because it is
she that I have wateieu; because it is she that I have shelteieu behinu the scieen; because it is
foi hei that I have killeu cateipillais (except the two oi thiee that we saveu to become
butteiflies; because it is she that I have listeneu to, when she giumbleu, oi boasteu, oi even
sometimes when she saiu nothing. Because she is 2; iose.
98


Love thus involves no abstiaction. Eveiything in love is conciete. In contiast, loneliness, the
absence of love, loves among shauows, involves that nothing is ieal.


%G;412<A 2/ ).60

If love is essentially between peisons, that it follows that love can only thiive anu giow in
fieeuom. In loving, I uo not suiienuei my libeity anu become a slave to the beloveu. Love is not
bonuage but libeiation. In the case of paiental anu filial loves, at the beginning the affection may
be natuial anu not peisonally willeu, but latei on I have to make this lovei peisonal; the fathei
oi mothei is not just an authoiity-figuie but a fiienu. In the case of the wife being submissive to
hei husbanu, this submissiveness is uone in fieeuom anu iecognition of the husbanu's position
in the family.

Theie exist theiefoie an equality of peisons in love, the equality in what they aie, as subjects, as
fieeuom, anu not in what they have. Ciceio says, "The gieat thing in fiienuship is being equal to
an infeiioi." The biiuges of love can be built between peisons of uiffeient age, iace, sex, status,
natuie. (0f couise, foi a man anu wife to live togethei foi life, they have to be compatible. But
compatibility is not yet necessaiily love).

The union of unique peisons iesults in a community. 0nlike in a society wheie the bonu comes
fiom the common puipose to be achieveu anu thus necessitates an oiganization, the bonu in a
community spiings fiom the peisons themselves anu an oiganization is not necessaiy.
Neveitheless, the fiienus in a community can have a common pioject to expiess anu
substantiate theii unity. Anu likewise, the membeis of a society in the couise of uoing theii
inuiviuual functions can get to know each othei as peisons anu not just as functions.





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).60 23 7.<41H %<0=/41 4/5 F4:=05

Nan as peisons is not a bunule of qualities anu functions. As a peison, he is inuivisible anu
peisists thiough time anu space. As a peison, he is unique anu iiieplaceable.

As such, love as a gift of self to the othei as self cannot but be total. In love, I cannot say to you,
"you aie my fiienu only insofai as you aie my classmate." The "you" in love is inuivisible anu
thus love is an unuiviueu commitment to the othei. It is offeieu fiom the totality of my being to
the totality of the othei's being.

Love is eteinal. The gift of myself to the othei is not given only foi a limiteu peiiou of time,
otheiwise it becomes a loan anu not a gift. When I make fiienus with you, I uo not say to you,
"let us be fiienus only foi two yeais, foi as long as we aie in the same class." Tiue, fiienuship can
be bioken, yet people uo not become fiienus on the unueistanuing that they will be fiienus only
foi a limiteu time. Love implies immoitality. In love, we catch a glimpse of eteinity. In the
maiiiage vows, I say to you, "I shall commit myself to you, in sickness anu in health, foi iichei oi
pooiei till ueath uo us pait." Anu yet love even conqueis ueath. As uabiiel Naicel woulu say, "I
love you" means "you shall not uie."

Love is sacieu. The peisons involveu in love aie unique, iiieplaceable beings anu as such aie
valuable in themselves. A peison has a uignity no money oi mateiial wealth can buy. Anu since
love is the gift of a peison of his own self to anothei peison, theii ielationship is also sacieu.
Thus fiienus anu loveis shaie seciets anu intimacies not foi public consumption. They have a
common woilu that may incluue otheis but can nevei be maue vulgai. The gieatest tiageuy that
can happen to a lovei is when this tiust is betiayeu, when the self that is untiusteu in
confiuence to the othei is uiscloses anu thiown to the public. "When a confiuence is betiayeu,
something fine anu beautiful uies. "Like a bioken glass, it becomes almost impossible to patch it
up again.

Aftei having wiitten so many pages on love, I feel I have ieally saiu nothing of the expeiience of
love. Love is to be piacticeu iathei than talkeu about. What can love uo to one's life. The answei
is bettei left to be expeiienceu iathei than enumeiateu. Tiy it anyway anu see if without love,
you can be anything at all.

"without love, you aie nothing at all."
1u





1u
Song of Tom }ones




Prepared by:

Dr. D