http://www.restoringwholeness.org/index.shtml USA@RestoringWholeness.org Restoring Wholeness is a cross-cultural, inter-denominational Christian ministry aimed at addressing relational and sexual issues.

Our goal is to assist Church leaders, family, friends and those who want to change. Affiliations include esert Stream !inistries and "xodus-#nternational. We are a team of $ualified teachers and counsellors who %ro&ide seminars, su%%ort grou%s and indi&idual counselling to hel% Christian indi&iduals o&ercome the life-controlling issues that stem from sexual and emotional dysfunction. We also assist in training churches to 'e a'le to deal with these challenges themsel&es. THE MOTHER WOUND by Edm nd Where do # start ((. well, at the 'eginning # guess) After my 'irth, my father 'asically wal*ed out on my mother and me +they were not married,, and in the %rocess of growing u%, # s%ent most of my time with my grandmother. -herefore, as a young 'oy, # had no ex%erience whatsoe&er of a father. At the age of four, # was sexually a'used 'y my mother.s 'oyfriend. -his a'use went on for $uite a few years. -he first time it ha%%ened, # was o&erwhelmed with fright and there are no ade$uate words to descri'e the %ain that # felt. Something inside of me died. #t was as if a %art of my life had 'een stolen and # con&inced myself that # would /ust ha&e to try and forget that this terri'le thing had e&er ha%%ened to me. # always $uestioned why this de&astation had 'een allowed to enter my life and it was always on my mind. At the same time that this was ha%%ening to me, # disco&ered that this man was also sexually a'using his daughter, my half-sister. 0or many years # 'lamed and des%ised myself for allowing this to ha%%en without ta*ing any action on her 'ehalf. Well, if only this could ha&e 'een the end of the story 'ut no, sadly, it is only the 'eginning. At the age of eight, # was gang ra%ed 'y six older 'oys who were su%%osed to ha&e 'een my friends. 1y this time my whole life was /ust one 'ig mess. -here was nothing more to li&e for and # found myself una'le to share with any'ody the shoc*ing circumstances surrounding my life. And so # started to li&e in a world of my own. A world in which # had to %rotect myself from the things that were too fearful for an eight-year-old to deal with. #n a &ery real way my childhood was stolen from me. 2rotecting myself, sadly didn.t wor* out too well as my mother and grandmother had an argument which resulted in my mother mo&ing into a %lace of her own and we had to go with her. 1y this time she had found a new 1

'oyfriend and we all went to stay with his family. 3ere the nightmare continues. Sometimes # felt as if the words .a'use me. were written on my forehead, as the cycle seemed to *now no end. 4ot only did my mother.s new 'oyfriend a'use me, so did his 'rother. # 'egan to show the signs of 'eing an extremely distur'ed child and my mother had no idea how to co%e with the situation. She started to 'eat me and # ended u% 'y de&elo%ing an intense hatred for her. # tried so hard to forget all the things that had ha%%ened to me 'ut with no success 'ecause the scars were 'y now too dee%ly im%rinted on my soul. "&entually, at the age of twel&e, # was a'le to return to my grandmother.s home where # imagined that # would at last 'e safe, 'ut yet again # was loosed into a new cha%ter of a'use. #n this instance the %er%etrator was my own uncle. # felt utterly dirty and defiled 'ut totally una'le to share these dar* secrets with my grandmother. # was not e&en safe in school where one of my fellow students also too* ad&antage of me. "&entually # 'ecame so used to this lifestyle that it no longer worried me, in fact there were times when # would actually go out and loo* for and initiate sexual acti&ity with others. # 'ecame extremely sexually acti&e and fully em'raced the homosexual lifestyle. -here was no-one that # could turn to for hel% and my %erce%tion of 5od was of someone who didn.t care any way or he would ne&er ha&e allowed such de&astation to enter into my life. ee% down inside # was totally 'ro*en and una'le to slee% at night. Sometimes # we%t endlessly - there was so much %ain in my heart. # 'egan to go to church, des%erate for anything to ease my agony of soul. # ex%erimented with alcohol, dagga and mandrax 'ut none of these things succeeded in filling this huge ga%ing hole inside of me. # *e%t on going to church and e&entually was counselled and guided into ma*ing the decision of committing my life to 6esus Christ. -his 'rought considera'le change and new meaning into my life and at first # thought that # would not ha&e to deal with the trauma of my %ast. # thought that it would all disa%%ear. 1ut # soon came to realise that # needed hel% and %rayed that 5od would lead me to someone who would understand my struggles and 'e a'le to hel% me ex%erience Christ.s healing in the areas of my woundedness. At this stage 5od led me to an ad&ertisement in a maga7ine and # felt %rom%ted to ma*e an a%%ointment and go for counselling. -his was the 'eginning of my healing %rocess. # was a'le to share my %ain and the things that had ha%%ened to me for the &ery first time in my life. # was a'le to 'e ministered to and recei&e lo&e and affirmation from a man within a framewor* of total safety. Also, for the &ery first time in my life, # was a'le to ex%erience a taste of true .father lo&e. through this gentle, lo&ing man of 5od who modelled to me the 0ather.s unconditional, faithful lo&e. 2

O&er a %eriod of time, through %rayer and godly counsel, my life has 'een transformed from %urely existing in .sur&i&al mode. to ex%eriencing .a'undant life. and, # *now that it is a /ourney, 'ut ne&ertheless, # am endlessly grateful for ha&ing 'een rescued from a lifestyle of recurring a'use and heartache. 0or the &ery first time, # ha&e ho%e. Co%yright 8 9::;, Restoring Wholeness. All rights reser&ed. htt%<==www.restoringwholeness.org=eng>stories=edmund.html !OU CAN "ET OUT O# HOMO$E%U&'(T! . . . & TRUE $TOR! by M)ri s -he moment # 'ecame a 1orn Again Christian # inad&ertently o%ened a hornet.s nest of 'ro*enness that # assumed was normal life. #t too* a huge shoc* for me to ta*e that first fragile ste% in healing. # a%%lied to ta*e the isci%leshi% -raining re$uired 'y the Christian !ission Organisation for all long term staff and was acce%ted. -his was the next 'est thing to ha&e ha%%ened to me and affirmed that # was doing the right thing? to wor* for 5od and to answer 3is calling. # was acce%ted as a mem'er of a Church and all was going so well. #n the meantime # innocently emailed the %astor and as*ed the church.s &iew%oint on homosexuality. 3e in&ited me to the office and then referred me to a Christian ministry called -rail'la7ers who counsel @sexually 'ro*en@ %eo%le. When # arri&ed home there was an email waiting for me from the mission organisation that they had heard a rumour that # was li&ing a homosexual lifestyle. !y acce%tance was re&o*ed after a month of fighting them. -hey encouraged me to go for counselling for a year, after which they might re&iew my a%%lication. 0or me the whole world colla%sed after what # felt was their hy%ocrisy. "&erything that # found ho%e and forgi&eness in a%%eared to 'e /ust an em%ty facade and yet another re/ection. -he 5od # fell in lo&e with was nothing more than the 'ig 'ully from my childhood. 4othing had changed. # was not included when 3e died for my sin. 3e is /ust one of them. Call on my life. Aeah, right. !ore li*e another /o*e on my life. # went tail s%inning into self hate and denial. # tried @their@ counselling 'ut their counsellor was in America and the %eo%le left in charge were well meaning, 'ut una'le to hel% me. # felt 'etrayed. # sto%%ed going. Buite suddenly 5od %ut ama7ing %eo%le in my way from the Assem'lies Of 5od Church in Sea 2oint, Ca%e -own. -hey were willing to listen with o%en minds and encouraged me to return to counselling. -his time e&erything miraculously fell in %lace and # hoo*ed u% in a su%%ort grou%. -he grou% was under the watchful eye of Wynn Cameron -hom%son, who guides -rail'la7ers in our nec* of the woods, and a young 2astor from another Assem'lies Church. With their gentle teaching and guidance # let the 3oly S%irit in to heal me. -hrough all my anger at 5od # realised # am e&en more in lo&e with 3im and it was dri&ing me 'ananas. With 3

the hel% of my new @team@ # was a'le to go 'ac* to and face my childhood issues. #ssues of re/ection, ra%e, self-hate, a'use and anger. #n the %rogram there was one instance where things /ust %oured out and the more # tried to shut u% the more it /ust came out. After a grou% %rayer session for me # as*ed the Cord to ta*e me 'ac* to where it all went wrong. 3e too* me 'ac* to the age of D. !y oldest 'rother had a 'ac* %ro'lem that had him in and out of hos%itals. !y mother and # went to &isit him in 2retoria which in&ol&ed an o&ernight /ourney. At the station on our way 'ac* home my mother had to use the toilet and she had no choice 'ut to ta*e me with her into the cu'icle. # was made to sit inside with my 'ac* against the door facing her. At the age of D, # was a 'it on the short side and my face right in line with her %ri&ate %arts. She caught me out loo*ing at her and suddenly she screamed and %ushed me against the wall. She screamed at me to 4"E"R, "E"R loo* at a woman down there. # could e&en smell the old urine smell of %u'lic facilities. She yan*ed me 'y the arm to the train and all the way home she *e%t $uiet and /ust 'ar*ed orders at me. We ne&er tal*ed a'out it again. # was %etrified. Why she reacted that way, shame, em'arrassment, worries o&er a child in hos%ital, who *nowsF # truly forgi&e her now. # grew u% a soft 'oy and she moulded me into a re%lacement for the girl she ne&er had. #t is easy to 'lame and that is not the case here, 'ut # want to try to sto% it from ha%%ening in another 'oy.s life. -he softness caused me to get further away from my dad. -he less masculine # 'ecame the more he hated me. 3e told me so often, and also that # was 4O son of his. -his made the life of a &ery lonely little 'oy. 6ust into 3igh School # got ra%ed 'y a few older 'oys. 0or them it was a huge /o*e and # had nowhere to turn. # 'elie&ed # 'rought it on to myself 'y 'eing such a feminine 'oy. #t was my fault. # deser&ed it. # started eating - if # was unattracti&e then # might 'e left alone. -hrough time one of the 'oys had a few more goes at me. 3e en/oyed it and 'lindly # felt that he must li*e me or e&en 'e in lo&e with me. # changed schools and we started meeting u% outside school again. #t started to feel good. O*ay, so this was the way to get lo&e. -here was ne&er anyone to hel% me) # started to loo* for more of this lo&e F -he churchF Who needs them. One of the 'oys in&ol&ed went to the same church as me and e&ery'ody li*ed him. 4owhere could # go. -he a'use went on, 'oth %hysical and mental. 4e&er acce%ted, my 'rothers were ne&er close to me, and # sensed their disa%%ro&al of me. # grew u% with so much hate around me, least of all my own self hate. #s this the reason for my homosexualityF # don.t *now. 5od has 'een good to me lately. 3e has o%ened u% a&enues of healing in me. # forgi&e all those %eo%le, although that is sometimes hard. 1ut through 3is 5race and 'y 3im wal*ing with me, one ste% at a time, 3e is hel%ing me and e$ui%%ing me for my future ministry... # am still far from com%lete healing and # *now it will ha%%en at 5od.s s%eed and timing. 4

# am 'ac* on course to answer 3is Calling on my life and am furiously e$ui%%ing myself for ministry. # recently attended 'oth "xodus and "m'racing Cife training seminars, which were organised 'y -rail'la7ers. -he "xodus seminar dealt with teaching %eo%le how to counsel .sexually 'ro*en. %eo%le and drug a'users. -his was a general seminar on how to set u% a ministry and to %re%are yourself to deal %eo%le and their needs. As Wynn Cameron -hom%son %uts it @ -o count the cost.@ -he "m'racing Cife seminar taught how to counsel %eo%le with life threatening diseases li*e Aids, Cancer etc. #t was taught 'y 6onathan 3unter, the founder and irector of "m'racing Cife. 3is teachings were es%ecially meaningful to me as they dealt with 'ro*en %asts. # feel &ery strongly in&ol&ed with this ty%e of ministry and feels as though this is where 5od is leading me. -hrough these teachings # can feel the 3oly S%irit wor*ing, not only in me, 'ut with me in my healing, e$ui%%ing me to go out and do 3is wor*. #t is all a'out forgi&eness and it must dro% that few inches from your head to your heart. # encourage anyone out there who is going through anything &aguely li*e my ex%erience, to go for counselling and see* 5od.s face. Only 3" can heal us and 'ring forgi&eness and healing into our hearts. !ay 5od richly 'less you as 3e is 'lessing me here on the mission field in !o7am'i$ue. .Aou can get out of homosexuality... A -rue Story - 4e&er 5i&e U%)) Co%yright 8 9::;, Restoring Wholeness. All rights reser&ed. htt%<==www.restoringwholeness.org=eng>stories=marius.html *ER$ON&' $TOR! Anonymous A teenage girl introduced me to the world of sexual intimacy at the tender age of fi&e. !y fi&e-year-old mind struggled to com%rehend what was ha%%ening, my 'ody en/oyed some of the sensations? # en/oyed the s%ecial attention 'ut at the same time was re&olted 'y it all. -he door to adult sexuality had 'een %rematurely o%ened. Sexual contact with my %eers was a recurring theme throughout my childhood sometimes initiated 'y me, sometimes not. An older 'oy introduced me to mastur'ation, which 'ecame an addiction to last many years. !y father *e%t %ornogra%hic maga7ines in the drawer next to his 'ed, which we regularly indulged in. A 'oy in my younger 'rother.s class at /unior school had access to his father.s extensi&e hard core %ornogra%hy li'rary, we watched many of them as well as some my father had 'orrowed from a neigh'or and *e%t in his cu%'oard. -he a'use, %ornogra%hy and com%ulsi&e mastur'ation com'ined to form a %er&erted mind unusual in one so young. 5

-he %oor relationshi% with my father throughout my childhood left a hunger for masculine affirmation. # found myself fantasi7ing a'out sexual contact with ideali7ed male %eer and authority figures not reali7ing that # was su'consciously trying to fill the &oid left in my childhood de&elo%ment 'y the lac* of relationshi% with my father. # des%erately wanted to 'e acce%ted 'y my %eers 'ut they %ic*ed u% on my insecurity as a male and # was almost always on the fringes of any grou% of *ids my age or older. # sur&i&ed 'y trying to 'e what # thought would 'ring acce%tance, a chameleon that ada%ted and changed according to the whims and needs of others. !y own sha*y identity was lost in the %rocess. # retreated into my own %ri&ate fantasy world where # controlled my o'/ects of desire and %leasure. # always had to face the em%tiness of 'eing alone at the end of my solitary /ourneys of %leasure. 1ecoming a Christian in early adulthood 'rought a strong reali7ation of the unhealthy and ungodly secret inner life # was leading. # felt too ashamed to share my inner struggles with my new Christian 'rothers and sisters, as # feared that they too would re/ect me. 5od was faithful and %atient, gently leading me on the long %ath to healing, filling my life with healthy Christian friendshi%s, and healing my fragile inner self. 3e led me to the right 'oo*s to read and made sure # attended the right courses. After se&eral years as a Christian # was finally a'le to 'e honest a'out where # had come from and to ex%erience true freedom 'y 'ringing e&erything out into the o%en in 5odly Christian relationshi%s. -he scri%ture 6ohn G<;9 'ecame a theme in my life? @And you will *now the -ruth and the -ruth will set you free.@ +Am%lified,. What ama7ed me the most was that when # was real, %eo%le lo&ed me more for my honesty and o%enness. # finally felt acce%ted for who # really was, there was no longer any need to hide 'ehind the mas*s carefully constructed to hide the shame of my sinful %ast. -he years of healing ha&e 'een filled with 'oth %ain and /oy 'ut my addicti&e sexual thoughts and 'eha&iors ha&e slowly 'een re%laced 'y healthy alternati&es. What had seemed im%ossi'le to me, 5od had made %ossi'le and # am li&ing testimony to 3is faithfulness, grace, mercy and restoring %ower. Co%yright 8 9::;, Restoring Wholeness. All rights reser&ed. htt%<==www.restoringwholeness.org=eng>stories=%ersonal.html !OUR UN#&('(N" 'O+E Anonymous Ci*e many others, # grew u% in a Christian home, the son of a %astor with 6

steady Christian &alues that formed the essence of my 'eing. Only later, wor*ing through my healing, # had to come to the rude awa*ening that # grew u% in a not so %erfect home, with not so %erfect %arents and that # ne&er really understood the father heart of 5od. # ha&e learned that due to wor* res%onsi'ilities, my father often was a'sent from home for &ery long %eriods. 1ecause of this, my role models were my mother and a middle-aged female family friend who lo&ed me dearly. At the age of fi&e, # ex%erienced a great amount of re/ection from my father. Unconscious re'ellion was rooted when my father confronted me on the issue that # rather s%end my time with my mother and not doing the things that a 'oy=man should 'e doing. As a child # could not understand what was the error in my 'eha&ior and why # was not acce%ta'le to my father, my hero. @# must try to change in order for him to lo&e me.@ 1eing in full time ministry, the efforts and time of my %arents were always channeled to what 5od called them to do, to the ex%ense of a healthy relationshi% with my sister and #. At my first rug'y match, my dad.s %resence was greatly missed and # felt as if # was not im%ortant enough. # started 'uilding u% walls and 'eing %essimistic towards 'oy things. Cater on the 'lame and negati&e feelings were shifted towards 5od and 3is church. #t was 'ecause of 3is church that my %arents did not ha&e time for my sister and # - that we ne&er had sufficient, in all forms, in com%arison to other schoolmates. At an early age # was cra&ing male attention, which were further reinforced 'y negati&e comments towards me from family and friends. -he %ain was 'uried dee% in my heart and started eating way at me. -hen # went to 3igh School. # was excited a'out my new endea&or and my future, 'ut insecurities carried from the %ast and a lac* of affirmation led me to 'elie&e that # wHs really different. !y attraction to girls was %resent though, 'ut the longing for male attention was stronger. -he lac* of fatherly lo&e that # ex%erienced 'ecame 'igger. # reali7ed something was missing. Suddenly one day, my father left the ministry and we as a family had to start all o&er. 0inancially and emotionally shattered. -his caused e&en greater re/ection towards the church and es%ecially towards my father. # had to ad/ust from a small town school to a more modern city school. # could not fit in. -he one %ositi&e thing was that 5od ensured that # meet my 'est friend, e&en under those un'eara'le circumstances. 3e still remains that in Christ, till this day. 1ut re/ection and negati&e comments from male %eers were the order of the day and # lost faith in who # was as an indi&idual. -his made me run further and further away from 5od and the truth that # was taught as a child. At the age of sixteen # 'uried myself in %erforming well, es%ecially in cultural acti&ities. -his was not &ery acce%ta'le in a s%ort dri&en school. #t was my choice to ta*e that ste% to change schools - # flourished in this new ad&enture. 1ut e&en 'y %erforming exce%tionally well and achie&ing the highest ran*s in almost e&erything, my insecurities did not disa%%ear.

After school # made many wrong choices in order to try and fill the &oid in me. # was losing myself com%letely and allowed myself to get the affirmation cra&ed in an ungodly way. # drift further and further away from 5od to the extent that # could not e&en 'ear to hear 3is name. Cies were at the order of the day and # lead a dou'le life. -oday # am sure that 5od allowed me to ma*e those wrong choices. #n my heart # *new that 5od called me at an early age and 3is grace remained %resent. -hrough a list of e&ents # reali7ed that # did not want to continue my way of li&ing. At my %arent.s recommendation, # went to see a Christian counselor. -his was not com%letely my choice alone and # did feel a sense of re'ellion towards them. # ex%erienced a resol&ed relationshi% with 5od and on the final night of my counseling sessions, # cut all ties with the %ast and com%letely re-dedicated my life to the Cord. -hat s%ecial night # was 'a%ti7ed with the 3oly S%irit. # felt clean and light, li*e a new'orn 'a'y. Unfortunately # ex%ected immediate results and a $uic* fix. -he desired did not occur. -here was no su%%ort structure and # did not really count the cost of my healing. # sli%%ed 'ac* into a lifestyle without 5od as my main foundation, affirmation and strength. Only three years later did # ex%erience the call of my 0ather that was so real. -he lo&e # could not find, the %eace that no human 'eing can descri'e. -he unfailing lo&e of 5od and the %ur%ose of 'eing 'ecame real in whereto 5od has directed me. 3is true lo&e and %resence are now continually a %art of me. Aes, at times it is so difficult, 'ut # *now the truth and # will not 'e satisfied with any thing less. !y 0ather, my 0riend, my 0amily, my estiny, my "ternity, my Co&er, my 2eace and my 2rotector. # am now truly sa&ed, truly reconciled with my ma*er and Creator. What may come is not dar* any more - it is 'right, %eaceful and with my 3ea&enly and "arthly 0ather that can and will not forsa*e me. 0ather, than* you for Aour Unfailing Co&e. Co%yright 8 9::;, Restoring Wholeness. All rights reser&ed. htt%<==www.restoringwholeness.org=eng>stories=unfailinglo&e.html Hope #or the &b ser 1y Wynn Cameron Thompson Sexual a'use, ra%e, molestation and incest ha&e 'een recei&ing more and more atten-tion. #t seems as though these atrocities are increasing at an alarming rate. What most %eo%le do not realise is that this has 'een going on for a long time. What we see is only the ti% of the ice'erg. 0urthermore, the 8

main focus of hel% is to the abused. Cittle or no hel% is 'eing gi&en to the abuser. As a child and teenager # was a'used and as an adult # ha&e a'used. 0or the last ID years # ha&e ex%erienced freedom from my sexual 'ondage and addiction. -he *ey to this freedom is a %ersonal relationshi% with 6esus Christ. # would li*e to offer some %oints that might hel% 'ring ho%e to the a'user< I. One must admit that he=she has a %ro'lem. 9. One must 'e sic* and tired of 'eing sic* and tired. ;. One must 'e willing to do anything for his=her healing. J. One must come to the Cross of 6esus. D. One must learn to forgi&e and 'e forgi&en. K. One must 'ecome o%en and accounta'le to another indi&idual and=or su%%ort grou%. L. One must come to *now that we always ha&e a choice. All a'users ha&e com%letely different 'ac*grounds and no two are ali*e. !ost a'users were a'used as a child or teen-ager. !ost a'users do it in the name of lo&e. Aes, there is a %ercentage of a'users who a'use out of anger, rage and hate...'ut most thin* they .lo&e. the indi&idual that they are a'using. -here is a strange *ind of .hunger. that dri&es a'users to a'use. !ost of the time this hunger is a dee% rooted need for lo&e, a%%ro&al, affirmation and 'onding with the %ro%er %arent, which they ne&er recei&ed in their formati&e years. Re/ection %lays a 'ig role in the dri&e to a'use someone much younger than the a'user. Children are o%en, innocent and hungry for lo&e...they gi&e themsel&es easily to *ind, warm attention...%articularly when the child.s needs are rarely met. Children do not re/ect lo&e...whether it is healthy and holy or sic* and twisted...if they are .hungry. them-sel&es. -here is always ho%e...'ut first we must see and 'elie&e the -ruth...that is, 6esus Christ came to set the ca%ti&es free. -hose who are a'using others are %risoners. -hey are caught in a we' of dece%tion that comes from the %it of hell. 6esus said in 6ohn I:<I:, @-he thief does not come exce%t to steal, and to *ill, and to destroy. # ha&e come that they may ha&e life, and that they may ha&e it more a'undantly.@ -hose who are a'using others and themsel&es ha&e come to 'elie&e a lie. -he truth is that no matter what we ha&e done we still ha&e a choice...we can choose to change. Our will com'ined with the Will of 5od and the %ower of 3is 3oly S%irit can and will set us free one ste% at a time.

-he Church of today as a whole, has not addressed the issue of sexual 'ro*enness. 2aul in his writings s%o*e of sexual sin $uite o%enly. -he *ey for those who call themsel&es Christian is to 'e more li*e Christ, lo&ing the sinner 'ut not the sin. We need to come out of the closet of denial, secrecy and shame into the Cight that is 6esus Christ of 4a7areth. !any times the Church of today has 'een so hea&enly minded that they are no earthly good. # 'elie&e 5od in 3is 3oly Scri%tures teaches .'alance., 'ut 'efore we can get to that %oint we must hum'le oursel&es. @#f !y %eo%le who are called 'y !y name will hum'le themsel&es, and %ray and see* !y face, and turn from their wic*ed ways, then # will hear from hea&en, and will forgi&e their sin and heal their land.@ 9 Chronicles L<IJ htt%<==www.restoringwholeness.org=articles=ho%efora'user.htm Dependent Rel)tionships 'y 1ill 3ernande7 "&er since the fall of man, sin and se%aration from 5od ha&e thwarted our inner security. -he resultant guilt and alienation continues to undermine us today in our ina'ility to de&elo% %ro%er relationshi%s, an underlying moti&e for de&elo%ing relation-shi%s with others, male and female, gay and straight can 'e a desire to maintain inner security, a 'asis which ma*es the relation-shi%s sha*y. -his desire for security stems from our need for a%%ro&al and acce%tance, %lus the need to 'e a free indi&idual. We enter de%endant relationshi%s ho%ing that they will su%%ly the needed selfworth and self-acce%tance. +# am not suggesting here that we 'ecome inde%endent loners. #n Christ, we are united and inter-de%endant., -he %ro'lem # am tal*ing a'out here is one of focusing on another %erson to 'e our security. $el,ish Moti-es )re the b)sis #n essence, when we ma*e another %erson res%onsi'le for our security, we are saying, # want your life so that # can lie. -his handica%s relationshi%s in that the result can only 'e a %ossessi&eness, which cancels the freedom that is the 'asis for true godly lo&e. We %ut our ex%ectations on the other %arty in the relationshi%, only to disco&er that the other %erson is doing the same thing. #t is li*e two drowning %eo%le trying to use one another to clim' to the surface. +-hey 'oth drown in the end, #t is an ongoing circle mar*ed 'y continual conflict. -he destructi&e elements in these relationshi%s are the 'itterness, anger, and hatred that come when that dee% need for security is not met. -he situation is resol&ed when we let go of the de%endent relationshi% as we find something truly secure< -he real Sa&iour, 6esus Christ. Dependen.e in g)y Rel)tionships 10

e%endence is the &ery thing that causes gay relationshi%s to 'rea* down. 2eo%le will argue that some homosexual relationshi%s do wor*, 'ut # say that gay lo&ers remain together, not 'ecause of fulfilment, 'ut rather, out of a mutual fear of 'eing alone. -his is a characteristic of all de%endent relationshi%s, not /ust gay ones. Another characteristic is that we settle for second 'est< we com%romise our %ersonal &alues and force the other %erson to com%romise, all for he maintenance of %ersonal security. #n my relationshi% with my ex-lo&er, # com%romised my moral &alues and %ersonal ex%ression to maintain my security. # was shallow and %assi&e in the way # related to him, failing to ex%ress my true feelings. # was not real. "ach time # would stri&e to 'e real, the relationshi% would 'egin to $ua&er. # would feel $uilt and fearful, secondrate and dominated. # felt alone, as # was not secure within myself. e%ressed and anxious, # *new that # had to run, 'ut # was afraid to let go of my reasona'le facsimile of security. Within this %seudo-secure relationshi%, # felt frustrated. # tried to get this other %erson to o%en u%, 'ut nothing he e&er did was enough for me. When we 'ecame sexually in&ol&ed, # cannot say it %ro&ided anything for me it only created greater lust. # could ne&er get enough hugs or com%liments. # wanted more the more the 'etter. # could ne&er acce%t what was already there. # 'ecame angry and 'itter towards my ex- lo&er 'ut hid my feelings dee% inside. On the outside, # was all smiles and %latitudes. 4ear the end of our relationshi%, my disa%%ointment and resentment 'egan to ta*e its toll on my emotional health. # 'egan facing the fact that # was going to 'e em%ty for the rest of my life. 4o matter who # was with, they were going to sa% me of my life? # would do the same thing to them. The De)th "rip -his *ind of relationshi% is commonly *nown as the @death gri%.@ What it does is destroy the %ersonalities of those in&ol&ed 'ecause each is %lacing conditions on the other. #f either %arty fails to *ee% the conditions, the relationshi% is at sta*e. e%endent relationshi%s %ut %eo%le in 'oxes. -here is no freedom to grow or to 'e uni$ue. 2ersonal identities 'ecome increasingly ha7y. -hese are lo&e-hate relationshi%s in which the %artici%ants are mutually o%%ressed and su%%ressed. "ach sets standards o&er the other which are ne&er $uite met, or which are mo&ed higher when they are met. "ach %erson sees himself as 'etter than the other. $l)-ery to sel, -he more # %rogressed into de%endent relationshi%s, the more # 'ecame a sla&e to my own needs. # was loosing myself through my efforts to %reser&e my own life. # could ne&er esca%e the fact that my insecurity 'egan with my sinfulness and se%aration form 5od. -he first thing a %erson will do when 11

se%arated from 5od is to see* a su'stitute, which # found in gay relationshi%s. -he futility ex%erienced in %lacing my ho%es for security in another %erson showed me the ho%elessness of trying to fill my inner &oid with anything other than 5od. Since # ha&e 'een 'ac* with the Cord and learning to ha&e my security needs met in 5od, # ha&e 'een gaining &ictory o&er my de%endent 'eha&iour. $teps in O-er.oming #n lea&ing my ex-lo&er to come 'ac* to the Cord, # learnt some ste%s in resol&ing de%endent relationshi%s. -he first ste% is to determine if your selfworth and self-acce%tance are 'ased on anothers attitudes toward you. #f this is true, you will 'e feeling 'oth guilt and condemnation for failure to measure u% to anothers ex%ectations. -here may also 'e frustration and feelings of anger and 'itterness directed toward the other %erson 'ecause the need for security has not 'een met. -he next ste% is to examine yourself and the way you relate to others. Sometimes we fail to 'e honest a'out what we are feeling, lac*ing firmness and gi&ing in to %assi&ity. We need to realise that %assi&ity is often a co&er-u% for negati&e feelings and can 'e considered a form of lying, dece%tion, and mani%ulation. #f we face the fact that our dee%est security needs will not 'e met through any human means, re%entance and commitment to Christ will 'ring the solution to the security %ro'lem. 3e is the only one that can sa&e us from our loneliness and se%aration. #f we ha&e Christ to rely on, we find that letting go of another %erson, while %ainful, will 'e 'lessed 'y 5ods strength and grace. Our a'ility to 'e honest and u%-front with another will not 'e de%endent on their reaction, 'ut on 5ods lo&e and acce%tance. Wrong relationshi%s will come to a halt and strained ones will ex%erience reconciliation. Our relationshi%s with others will 'ecome creati&e rather than destructi&e as we %ass along the lo&e and forgi&eness we ha&e recei&ed from 5od. @We lo&e 'ecause 3e first lo&ed us.@ I 6ohn J<IM -he destructi&e element in a de%endent relationshi% is ma*ing another %erson res%onsi'le for the way we feel a'out oursel&es. Only 6esus willingly acce%ted the %enalty for our sinfulness, alle&iating our insecurity. 3e alone is the %ath to a'solute and %rofound security in the 0ather. @And my 5od shall su%%ly all your needs according to 3is riches in 5lory in Christ 6esus.@ 2hili%%ians J<IM htt%<==www.restoringwholeness.org=articles=de%endent.htm Ex/")y: #).t0 #r) d o, #)nt)sy1

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@"x-5ay@ is a term that always seems to 'ring a res%onse. 0or the most %art, the gay community 'elie&es this is a total lie. -hey deny that it is %ossi'le to 'ecome ex-gay. #t is their 'elief that @ex-gay@ is a fraudulent term. -hey may allow that the ex-gay %erson is sincere in his 'elief of change, 'ut they see the ex-gay as sim%ly engrossed in a fantasy situation. -hey thin* that one day, the @former homosexual@ will come 'ac* to reality and find that he or she is /ust as gay as e&er. "ach time an ex-gay %erson falls 'ac* into sexual sin, the sce%tical critics hold this as %roof of their %osition that the ex-gay was li&ing in a state of eu%horia, that he sim%ly was 'rainwashed and has finally come to his senses. !ost come from the stand%oint that a homosexual orientation is in'orn, that it cannot 'e changed. -hey fre$uently e$uate the homosexual orientation with 'eing left-handed or with the colour of one.s s*in. Others in the world also scoff at this term. -he world is not familiar with %eo%le who ha&e left the homosexual lifestyle 'ehind. -hey ha&e come to acce%t homosexual %eo%le /ust as they are and ha&e ne&er considered as*ing a homosexual %erson to change his orientation. -he ma/ority of ex-gays who ha&e recei&ed change from 6esus Christ ha&e refused to witness to such a change and ha&e melted into the heterosexual society with the ho%e that their %ast life will ne&er 'e ex%osed. -hrough such faintheartedness, the world and a multitude of gay %eo%le ha&e ne&er heard the message of change and many ha&e gone on to an eternity without Christ. One wonders what would ha&e ha%%ened if Saint 2aul had said to himself< @3ey) A guy could get *illed out there, # had 'etter mind my own 'usiness@. !any ha&e hidden their lam% under a 'ushel and hidden their light, fearful of ridicule and disa%%ro&al. What will the !aster say to those who ha&e 'uried their talent in the groundF On /udgement day, will gay men and women come forward to accuse those who had the words of life, yet withheld themF Underst)nding the Term 2Ex/g)y2 What is the meaning of this term many %eo%le are using to announce that their li&es ha&e 'een changedF 4ot only the world, 'ut former gays also are in confusion a'out this term. Society most often &iews things in a 'lac*=white context. #f change is not instant and total, they will not ac*nowledge that any real change has ta*en %lace. 4o allowance is made for the %rocess of growing into a new identity. A tele%hone caller once said to me< @# ha&e /ust three minutes. 2lease tell me what to do to change myself into a heterosexual)@ 4ot only the world at large, 'ut the Christian world also, ex%ects immediate results. Christians want to hear of instant healing, many attend healing ser&ices /ust to witness instant miracles. We long for the day when, in the twin*ling of an eye, we will 'e changed into new creatures. !any are con&inced there is a demon of homosexuality. #f this demon is cast out, immediate change will ta*e %lace< -RA#C1la7ers !inistry fully 'elie&es in the %ower of deli&erance and uses it whene&er necessary, 'ut also realises that 5od more often chooses to change us through a gradual %rocess rather than a dramatic e&ent.

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-o 'egin to understand the term @ex-gay@, we must correlate it with the sanctification %rocess descri'ed in 9 Corinthians I<I: @who deli&ered us from so great a death, and does deli&er us? in whom we trust that 3e will still deli&er us...@ 0or the ex-gay %erson, change has definitely come, 'y &irtue of the fact that he has gi&en his life to Christ and has 'een @'orn again@. -his e&ent has ta*en %lace regardless of his sexual orientation. 4o one can deny that something &ery dramatic has ha%%ened. 3is dead s%irit has come to life. -he 3oly S%irit has come to li&e within his 'ody. 3is &iew%oint on many things has already changed. 3owe&er, 5od has 'egun a wor* that remains incom%lete. While much may now 'e different, changes in attitudes, desires and relationshi%s with others, the change %rocess is far from finished. 2hil 9<I9-I; I9 @-herefore, my 'elo&ed, as you ha&e always o'eyed, not as in my %resence only, 'ut now much more in my a'sence, wor* out your own sal&ation with fear and trem'ling? I; ,or it is "od who wor3s in yo ple)s re.2 both to will )nd to do ,or His good

-he change goes on day 'y day...@One d)y )t ) time2 and if need 'e @One ho r or one min te )t ) time2. "&en after 5od has com%leted the change in the area 3e is wor*ing on today, there will 'e areas left to 'e healed at some %oint in the future. -he ex-gay can truthfully say that he has 'een changed, he is now 'eing changed and that he will 'e changed. -he formerly gay %erson who has 'ased his confidence in Christ, gr)d )lly disco&ers that his homosexual res%onses are diminishing and grows secure in this fact as he wal*s closely 'eside his !aster. One thing is certain, he now has a new %osition in Christ. 3e is freed from his sin 'y the %ower of the atoning 'lood of 6esus on the Cross. 5od &iews him through the %erfect sacrifice of Christ. "od no longer sees him )s ) homosex )l. 3e is now a Christian, as a Christian he may ha&e many %ro'lems areas, one of which may 'e homosexuality. 1ecoming ex-gay does not exem%t us from e&er stum'ling. "&ery Christian need to 'e cleansed daily from tem%ting thoughts. # 6ohn I<G-I: G #f we say that we ha&e no sin, we decei&e oursel&es, and the truth is not in us. 14

M #f we confess our sins, 3e is faithful and /ust to forgi&e us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. I: #f we say that we ha&e not sinned, we ma*e 3im a liar, and 3is word is not in us. "&ery Christian needs to 'e cleansed daily from tem%ting thoughts. -here certainly is a satanic element here as well, since Satan does not easily let go of one of his. 3e sets tra%s and snares along the way to discourage our wal* with the Cord, and he uses %eo%le to stum'le us. "&en Christians can 'ecome tools of the enemy. Coo*ing for satisfaction in the homosexual lifestyle is to see a false and unfulfilling solution to legitimate emotional needs. -hese emotional needs ha&e fuelled the desire for intimate relationshi%s with others of the same sex. -hey ha&e existed from early childhood 'ecause these needs were not met at the a%%ro%riate time during the growth %rocess. esire for intimacy can 'e met in a legitimate and godly way. When this ha%%ens, the homosexual tem%tations disa%%ear. 3owe&er, we are su'/ect to tem%tations of &arying *inds all o&er li&es. 4owhere does the 1i'le %romise that a 'elie&er will come to a %lace where her or she is ne&er tem%ted again. #n fact Scri%ture %romises /ust the o%%osite< we will face a lifetime of trials and tem%tations. We are told to re/oice in our trials, for they 'uild Christian maturity. 6ames I<9-G 9 !y 'rethren, count it all /oy when you fall into &arious trials, ; *nowing that the testing of your faith %roduces %atience. J 1ut let %atience ha&e its %erfect wor*, that you may 'e %erfect and com%lete, lac*ing nothing. D #f any of you lac*s wisdom, let him as* of 5od, who gi&es to all li'erally and without re%roach, and it will 'e gi&en to him. K 1ut let him as* in faith, with no dou'ting, for he who dou'ts is li*e a wa&e of the sea dri&en and tossed 'y the wind. L 0or let not that man su%%ose that he will recei&e anything from the Cord? G he is a dou'le-minded man, unsta'le in all his ways. What A'out Constitutional +1asic, 3omosexualityF 3asn.t #t 1een 2ro&enF 15

Although research teams ha&e s%ent much time and money attem%ting to %ro&e that homosexuality is in'orn, no concrete %roof has 'een found. #n fact, the more research is done, the less e&idence is found to su%%ort the theory of 'asic homosexuality. What do famous researchers say on this su'/ectF #n their 'oo* @3uman Sexuality@, !asters and 6ohnson say< @-he genetic theory of homosexuality has generally 'een discarded today@. A'out hormonal influence they say< @ es%ite the interest in %ossi'le hormone mechanisms in the origin of homosexuality, no serious scientist today suggests that a sim%le cause-effect relationshi% a%%lies.@ -he Sex #nformation and "ducation Council of the United States +S#"CUS, %resents this statement in their 'oo* @Sexuality and !an@< @!an does not from 'irth %ossess an instincti&e desire to achie&e any s%ecific goal in regard to sex, 'ut that his sexual 'eha&iour is at any time the cumulati&e result of the learning and conditioning ex%eriences he had.@ #n the orient there are %eo%le who 'uy 'a'y 'oys u% to two and three years old from their %arents who need money des%erately. -hen @train@ and @nurture@ them to 'e homosexuals. -hey *now no other way of life. 1y the time they are nine they are ready to 'e @sold@ to Westerner %edo%hiles who ha&e enough money. Scientific e&idence does not su%%ort the theory of constitutional +'asic, homosexuality. !any Christians, howe&er, do not agree with the idea that our sexuality is @u% for gra's@, as much of the research seems to indicate. -hey 'elie&e we are created with an inherent +in-'orn, heterosexual nature, 'asing this 'elief on 5enesis cha%ter two, the creation of man and woman. 5enesis 9<IG-9D IG And the COR 5od said, @#t is not good that man should 'e alone? # will ma*e him a hel%er com%ara'le to him.@ IM Out of the ground the COR 5od formed e&ery 'east of the field and e&ery 'ird of the air, and 'rought them to Adam to see what he would call them. And whate&er Adam called each li&ing creature, that was its name. 9: So Adam ga&e names to all cattle, to the 'irds of the air, and to e&ery 'east of the field. 1ut for Adam there was not found a hel%er com%ara'le to him. 9I And the COR 5od caused a dee% slee% to fall on Adam, and he sle%t? and 3e too* one of his ri's, and closed u% the flesh in its %lace.

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99 -hen the ri' which the COR 5od had ta*en from man 3e made into a woman, and 3e 'rought her to the man. 9; And Adam said< @-his is now 'one of my 'ones and flesh of my flesh? she shall 'e called Woman, 'ecause she was ta*en out of !an.@ 9J -herefore a man shall lea&e his father and mother and 'e /oined to his wife, and they shall 'ecome one flesh. 9D And they were 'oth na*ed, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed. 3ere the Cord forms the woman as a @suita'le hel%er@ for the man, instructing the man @to clea&e to his wife and 'ecome one flesh@ with her. Although man has fallen far from 5od.s intentions, Christians 'elie&e each %erson still hears 5od.s original design. When this design 'ecomes distorted through the effects of sin, %ro'lems such as homosexuality result. -hey see the ex-gay %erson as sim%ly returning to his 5od-gi&en identity which was 'uried within him all along. Why are 3omosexual %eo%le so determined that they were 'orn gayF 0irst, the idea that a 4HO(4E exists as to whether or not they remain homosexual is 'oth frightening and threatening. -he gay %erson has a RE&' (N+E$TMENT (N H($ (DENT(T!. !any gay %eo%le ha&e struggled with homosexual feelings for years 'efore acce%ting the la'el @homosexual@ on their li&es. 1y acce%ting this identity, they %ut to rest this difficult struggle and feel a sense of relief that this traumatic time in their life has %assed. -he thought of returning to these times of uncertainty is &ery threatening and undermines their confidence in their &ery identity. Secondly, most gay %eo%le cannot remem'er a time when they did not ha&e homosexual feelings. -hey actually 'elie&e they were 'orn gay... that research h)s %ro&en that the %aths we ta*e in life are laid down at a &ery early age. #t is said that a child *nows if he is wanted or not 'y the time he is six months of age. uring the %eriod from eighteen to thirty-six months, his or her @gender identity@ is formed and 'ecomes difficult to change from this %oint on. So it is not sur%rising that the message from the gay community that a %erson is @'orn gay@ is acce%ted at face &alue. 3omosexual 'y -hreeF Are we saying that %eo%le 'ecome homosexual at the early age of three yearsF NO. 1ut the root causes of homosexuality and many other %ersonality distur'ances may 'e all in %lace 'y that time. -he ee%est Root of 3omosexuality 17

We 'elie&e that the dee%est root of homosexuality is a 'rea* in the relational 'onds within the family, %roducing a lac* of a sense of 'elonging or a lac* of affirmation. -he security of a child de%ends on a three-way 'ond< I. !other to child? 5. 0ather to child? and the often o&erloo*ed and neglected 'ond of< 6. 0ather to mother. Any 'rea* in this triangle will %roduce insecurity in the child. #t is im%ortant here to state that whether the 'rea* is real or only %ercei&ed 'y the child, the results are the same. -he child is affected 'y the way her or she RE&4T$ to disru%tions in the family unit. 5od has ordained the father to 'ear the res%onsi'ility for the family unit. "%hesians D<9;-9J 9; @-he hus'and is head of the wife as Christ is 3ead of the Church... 9J ...so let wi&es also 'e su'/ect in e&erything to their hus'ands.@ #t is when the father a'dicates his role that distortions set in. 1oundaries and authority structure 5od set in motion... 5enesis 9<ID-IL ID -hen the COR 5od too* the man and %ut him in the garden of "den to tend and *ee% it. IK And the COR 5od commanded the man, saying, @Of e&ery tree of the garden you may freely eat? IL @'ut of the tree of the *nowledge of good and e&il you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you shall surely die.@ !an a'dicates his role< 5enesis ;<I-K I 4ow the ser%ent was more cunning than any 'east of the field which the COR 5od had made. And he said to the woman, @3as 5od indeed said, .Aou shall not eat of e&ery tree of the garden.F@ 9 And the woman said to the ser%ent, @We may eat the fruit of the trees of the garden?

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; @'ut of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, 5od has said, .Aou shall not eat it, nor shall you touch it, lest you die..@ J -hen the ser%ent said to the woman, @Aou will not surely die. D @0or 5od *nows that in the day you eat of it your eyes will 'e o%ened, and you will 'e li*e 5od, *nowing good and e&il.@ K So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, that it was %leasant to the eyes, and a tree desira'le to ma*e one wise, she too* of its fruit and ate. She also ga&e to her hus'and with her, and he ate. !an learns to shift the 'lame< 5enesis ;<L-I; L -hen the eyes of 'oth of them were o%ened, and they *new that they were na*ed? and they sewed fig lea&es together and made themsel&es co&erings. G And they heard the sound of the COR 5od wal*ing in the garden in the cool of the day, and Adam and his wife hid themsel&es from the %resence of the COR 5od among the trees of the garden. M -hen the COR 5od called to Adam and said to him, @Where are youF@

I: So he said, @# heard Aour &oice in the garden, and # was afraid 'ecause # was na*ed? and # hid myself.@ II And 3e said, @Who told you that you were na*edF 3a&e you eaten from the tree of which # commanded you that you should not eatF@ I9 -hen the man said, @-he woman whom Aou ga&e to 'e with me, she ga&e me of the tree, and # ate.@ I; And the COR 5od said to the woman, @What is this you ha&e doneF@ -he woman said, @-he ser%ent decei&ed me, and # ate.@ #t is when the father a'dicates his role that distortions set in. #t is easy to see that the father is of &ital im%ortance in the de&elo%ment of male children in the family. -he son needs to 'e a'le to res%ect, honour and desire to 'e li*e his father so that the identity transfer may ta*e %lace. What is an # "4-#-A -RA4S0"RF What is an # "4-#-A -RA4S0"RF A male child has certain needs that only his father can fill, the same is true of the female child with her mother. +As # ex%lain it...we are 'orn with two immense holes in us, one to 'e filled 'y our fathers and one 'y our

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mothers...each ha&e a &ital roll to %lay in fulfilling each child.s emotional needs., A male child.s needs can 'e summed u% with three words< I. S-R"45-3? 9. 2OW"R? and ;. 2RO-"C-#O4 -he male role is to #4#-#A-", the female role is to R"S2O4 . -hese are to 'e the %redominant traits although there will 'e a natural crosso&er. #t is normal for males to res%ond at times and females to initiate. #t is &ital for the male child to de&elo% an AC-#E" rather than 2ASS#E" %ersonality. 3e must 'ecome a R#SN--AN"R. Under his father.s co&ering, he feels free to ex%lore his world and learn 'y trial and error. -he strength, %ower and %rotection of his father ma*es this %ossi'le. 3e en/oys his relationshi% with his father, *nowing that his father desires him to %ossess these traits for himself, rather than always 'eing de%endent on his father for them. -hese good feelings a'out his father transfer into lo&e, affirmation and a sense of 'elonging. 3e is secure in his father.s identity and acce%ts that identity for himself. What is it that causes gay %eo%le to go out on the streets loo*ing for a sexual %artnerF Although, most ha&e little awareness of this, their search is not for sex, 'ut for intimacy. -hey see* in another male %erson the elements of %arental lo&e that was denied them. !uch of the homosexual search is a 0A-3"R R"2CAC"!"4- search, an attem%t to find strength, %ower and %rotection from a male figure. #n fact, one of the indications that an ex-gay %erson may 'e ready for heterosexual marriage is when the desire to 'e %rotected has 'een re%laced 'y a desire to %rotect. -he female child also needs an identity transfer, 'ut of a much different nature. A desire to 'e %rotected is normal and good. She should de&elo% such a trust of men through her father that she loo*s forward to ha&ing her own s%ecial %rotector. She must come to see the female role as desira'le, motherhood as rewarding, and find dignity in ser&ing. She de&elo%s a wisdom $uite different from the male. She must not see the female role as degrading and humiliating. She must that 5od that 3e ma*e her female. 2ro&er's ;I<;:-;I ;: Charm is deceitful and 'eauty is %assing, 'ut a woman who fears the COR , she shall 'e %raised. ;I 5i&e her of the fruit of her hands, and let her own wor*s %raise her in the gates. -he father is significant to his daughter as well. #n affirming her, lo&ing her unconditionally and a%%ro&ing of her femininity, he %re%ares her for a healthy 20

heterosexual de&elo%ment. As he ex%resses his lo&e for her, and as she witnesses a strong 'ond of lo&e 'etween her father and mother, she %ercei&es the goodness of the heterosexual relationshi%. 0or 'oth girls and 'oys therefore, the father must %ro&ide sta'ility and security. 4on-sexual Roots -he dee%est roots of homosexuality are therefore non-sexual. -he desire for sexual interaction comes long after the sim%le desire for lo&e, security, affirmation and /ust someone who will say @Aou.re ON@. Withdrawal 4ot all, 'ut %erha%s the ma/ority of homosexual %eo%le +male in %articular, ha&e withdrawn in some way during early childhood. #f the child has had an a'sent or emotionally-a'sent father, a certain amount of &ulnera'ility is felt 'y the child. 3e feels ex%osed and un%rotected from the world. -his tendency to withdraw %roduces three negati&e side-effects< I. 0"AR? 9. #SOCA-#O4? and ;. "4EA 0"AR # thin* that most of us who counsel trou'led %eo%le, whether homosexual or heterosexual, ha&e found that 'ehind the %ho'ias, erratic and a'normal 'eha&iour is a dee% 0"AR O0 A1A4 O4!"4- stemming from &ery early childhood. -hough it may not 'e the %rimary cause of e&ery disorder, it certainly is one of the ma/or causes of %ersonality distur'ances. Since fathers are e$uated with %rotection, an a'usi&e father has therefore 'etrayed his 5odintended %ur%ose, to %rotect and shield his family. #f he is feared, then he cannot 'e counted on to defend against the attac*s of the world. -he indifferent father has also renounced his role and in some ways is more damaging in the de&elo%ment of the child than the a'usi&e father. As the child sees his father standing idly 'y as he fights his own 'attles, he has %hysical %roof that his father does not lo&e him. -his emotionally a'usi&e father has a'andoned his children /ust as much, or more than a totally a'sent father. When a father is com%letely out of the life of a child, there is a chance that the child will 'elie&e the 'est a'out his father 'ecause he wants to. 3e may fantasies that if his father were %resent, he would 'e lo&ed and cared for. -he indifferent father who is %resent does not ma*e this *ind of dream %ossi'le. 1ecause of this, dee% resentments are formed that %lay significant roles in later life.

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0athers are often called the @windows to the world@ and as children grow older, they need the *nowledge, s*ill role-modelling and %rotection that can only come from a father. Without this, the child may 'ecome @'urned@ 'y the world and 'egin to sin* into his or her own world of fantasy, too fearful to function in the real, e&eryday world. #SOCA-#O4 -he lac* of a same-sex role model creates %ro'lems with one.s %eer grou%. #f a male child has only his mother.s influence in his life, he will react to the world in the way he thin*s his mother would react. 3is %eers will $uic*ly %ic* u% his effeminacy and ridicule him, excluding him from their inner circle. -hus isolation is forced on him. -he female child that has de&elo%ed a strong identity with her father will also find herself se%arated at times from her %eer grou% and their interests. Often she will come to resent their feminine a%%roach to life and exclude herself from their interaction. One of the ma/or underlying %ro'lems of homosexuality is a lac* of a sense of 'elonging or affirmation "4EA #t is only natural that the child that has felt the sting of re/ection comes to en&y the accepted one. A %rocess 'egins that, if carried to its conclusion, will lead to what gays call their @orientation@. 1eginning with sim%le CO!2AR#SO4 of one.s self with others, one ma*es the decision and admission that one is then not e$ual with one.s %eers. -he realisation comes that one cannot meet the standards of one.s %eer grou%. A retreat from com%etition 'egins in which the child no longer initiates action with his friends 'ut lags 'ehind. 0inally he gi&es u% entirely, admitting his inade$uacy. -his gi&es rise to A !#RA-#O4 of those who are @'etter@ in some way. -hey !ay 'e more handsome, 'etter 'uilt, or more intelligent, a host of other things. 2redominantly admiration is felt for those who are not afraid to initiate, those who ha&e the courage and strength to maintain their worth against the attac*s that come their way. Somewhere along the way, this admiration sli%s into "4EA and a strong desire to %ossess. Usually there is one special person that is the o'/ect of this en&y and admiration. ecades later, the homosexual %erson may still 'e on a re%lacement search for this @first lo&e@. -hey strongly desire for this %erson to 'e their @'est friend@. -hey fantasise a'out 'eing alone with this %erson and 'eing a'le to relate intimately with them. #n %u'erty, as sexual desire starts to emerge, this desire sim%ly settles in on what has already 'een the focus of the child.s life? that which was the o'/ect of their admiration and en&y. -hus, en&y 'ecomes eroticised. #n many li&es, this %rocess does not %roceed to this end, 'ut for the homosexual %erson, this 22

sexual desire for someone of the same sex seems com%letely natural since it 'egan as a non-sexual desire. Summary We find that the %attern of homosexuality de&elo%s o&er a long time s%an from infancy to adolescence. 1ecause of its early 'eginnings, it may a%%ear to 'e in'orn or constitutional +'asic,. Somewhere in %u'erty, the %erson 'ecomes aware that this interest in %eo%le of the same sex is not normal and that his or her %eers are mo&ing ahead into heterosexual interests. 2anic often sets in as the disco&ery is made that this is not /ust a %hase that will %ass 'ut may 'e a lifetime condition. -his re&elation is sometimes followed 'y what can only 'e descri'ed as a grief %rocess. -here is a %eriod of dis'elief and denial. 0ollowing this may 'e a time of almost total isolation, crying and se&ere de%ression. #t is at this %oint that many who ha&e ne&er 'een @religious@ will turn to religion to see* an immediate change in their life. Since most do not recei&e a dramatic healing, anger and 'itterness often set in. Self-interest 'ecomes the goal and the %erson decides that he will ma*e the 'est of this unha%%y situation. Self-%ity will dri&e a few to either ta*e their own li&es or to ma*e the attem%t. -hose who ha&e 'een Christians are faced with a &ery difficult decision. o they act out their desiresF -his conflict lasts many years those who choose to engage in homosexual 'eha&iour are often filled with guilt and remorse for their actions, *nowing that Scri%ture clearly o%%oses such 'eha&iour. Some will attem%t to /ustify what they are doing and alter the %re&ailing inter%retation of the Scri%tures dealing with homosexuality to fa&our their homosexual desires. 1ut with their heart, they can ne&er sha*e a gnawing con&iction of sin. htt%<==www.restoringwholeness.org=articles='riefloo*.htm (dol)try: &n &spe.t o, ")y Rel)tionships 'y Cadonna 5reen #n counselling Christians coming out of homosexuality, We are always see*ing the Cord for insight into the underlying causes of homosexual 'eha&iour. As we ha&e wor*ed with 'oth homosexual men and les'ian women, we ha&e disco&ered that there are sometimes great differences in the needs and 'asic sin %ro'lems found in 'oth grou%s. Although there are exce%tions, it a%%ears that women are often more relationshi% orientated than men, %ro'a'ly due to their emotional nature are. A man, although he may ha&e difficulty 'rea*ing off a s%ecific relationshi%, will %ro'a'ly ha&e his greatest struggle in lea&ing 'ehind his o&ert sexual 23

in&ol&ement. A woman howe&er, may miss the sex, 'ut her greatest %ro'lem will 'e 'rea*ing off the dee% emotional attachments to other women. !ost gay %eo%le who acce%t Christ as their Cord and Sa&iour come to understand that they need to gi&e u% the outward sexual acts. -hey may not en/oy this at all, 'ut most of those who are serious a'out 5od will 'e a'le to recognise that sex outside marriage goes against 5odOs Word. 1u this lea&es %eo%le wondering, @Where do # draw the lineF@ Women es%ecially wonder how far their emotional in&ol&ementOs can go 'efore sin enters the %icture. #n my estimation there is no hard and fast line you can draw saying. @-his is how far you can go, 'ut no further.@ "ach indi&idual is different. 3owe&er, there are some interesting %oints a'out relationshi%s we can loo* at. Some $uestions we can as* oursel&es to determine if our in&ol&ementOs are in right standing with 5od are. 0irstly, let us rest assured that 5od does intend us to ha&e close fellowshi% with others. We are social creatures who need %eo%le? 5od created us that way. -here is therefore no reason for us to feel tormented and guilty that we desire close, committed friendshi%s, 3owe&er, -here is a %attern of de&elo%ment in 'oth les'ian and homosexual relationshi%s where this conce%t of needing others 'ecomes out of %ro%ortion. #n our growing-u% years, %erha%s we ha&e 'een hurt, 'attered, or /ust ignored. 2erha%s we ha&e finally found someone who gi&es us the attention we ha&e 'een cra&ing for so long. What are we then inclined to doF As such, we would 'e mainly controlled 'y our emotions therefore inclined to %ut e&erything into that %erson and de&ote our entire life to them. As one gets dee%er and dee%er into the gay lifestyle, you de&elo% this list of $ualities for your @%erfect lo&er@ and when you find the %erson who a%%ears to fit the descri%tion, you %ut them on a %edestal. -he alternati&e is to let yourself 'ecome that ideal someone who recei&es the total admiration and de&otion of another. What is then ta*ing %lace hereF 4one other than what the 1i'le refers to as, idolatry. ou o%en yourself u% to a chain of dece%tion leading to idolatry when you try to do the im%ossi'le< fill your inner need for lo&e with something, or someone 5od has made rather than 5od 3imself. As one loo*s to another wea* falli'le human 'eing to fulfill us, one 'ecomes a worshi%%er of the creature rather than the creator +Romans I<9D,. When it 'ecomes o'&ious that the %erson one has de&oted oneOs life to, is not measuring u% to the standard you ha&e set for them, you will either see* after someone else or try to change the im%erfections in the one you are relating to. -his always lea&es you in a state of sus%ension. Aou ne&er $uite feel the fulfillment you are see*ing. 0rustration, 'itterness and e&en hatred set in. Often one will resort to alcohol, drugs or, when all loo*s ho%eless, suicide. 5od said in "xodus 9:<;-D < 24

@-hou shalt ha&e no other 5ods 'efore me . . . . .for # am a /ealous 5od.@ We ha&e only 5odOs direct commandment against idolatry, 'ut also the disa%%ointing results in our own li&es and relationshi%s to reaffirm to us that idolatry is sinful and destructi&e. How do yo 3now i, yo )re in-ol-ed in )n idol)tro s rel)tionship1

Start 'y as*ing yourself these $uestions< Aou may li&e with someone and not ha&e sex, 'ut do you %ut him or her 'efore 5od emotionallyF o you consider your friend as a lo&er in your thought lifeF o you easily 'ecome /ealous if that %erson wants to get to *now other %eo%leF Are you in such constant fear of losing your friend that you 'ecome demanding and %ossessi&e, literally dri&ing that %erson awayF C.S.Cewis. 'oo* The Four Loves descri'es friendshi%s as two %ersons loo*ing together towards a united goal, see*ing to include others into their circle, and it descri'es two lo&ers as loo*ing only to themsel&es with no room for others. Which category do you fit intoF o you see* other com%anionshi% and include others in your friendshi%sF Or, do you only want to 'e with that one s%ecial friend and no one else. 4ext, you need to deal with the $uestions< How do I do it? What is involved in breaking of an idolatrous relationship? Cet us 'e honest with oursel&es. 1rea*ing away from an idol is no easy thing. Only 'y the grace of 5od and sheer determination on your %art is it %ossi'le. #t is also true that there is a %eriod 'etween the time you lea&e our lo&er and the time you are a'le to find total fulfillment in 5od alone, where you literally feel that you are 'eing torn a%art. Although you will recei&e a dee% down %eace in your s%irit when you ste% out in o'edience to 5od, your emotions may still go haywire, wor*ing ha&oc with your thoughts. 5rief, fear, insecurity, a loss of identity P all of these are a %art of the suffering that ta*es %lace when you relin$uish our idol and gi&e control of your life to 5od. 0re$uently this %lace of suffering is where former gays gi&e u% and turn 'ac*. 2ossi'ly, they do not realise that this time is a necessary, e&en ine&ita'le ex%erience in turning from sin to follow the Cord I 2eter J<I-9 says< "Therefore, since Christ has suffered in the flesh, arm yourself also with the same purpose, because he who has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin, 25

so as to live the rest of the time in the flesh no longer for the lusts of men, but for the will of God." Suffering is often the only thing that teaches us to willingly cease from sin, /ust as a young child learns to a&oid fire 'y ex%eriencing %ain. -hrough disci%line, which causes suffering, we learn o'edience. #f we hum'ly acce%t 5odOs disci%line, then 3e will 'ring us through the situation and accom%lish 3is %ur%ose in our li&es. #f we re/ect our chastisement and retreat to our former sin, we will ha&e gained nothing, and will only ha&e to face the suffering %rocess again in the future when we want to return to the Cord. #t is li*e going out to %lay soft'all when we ha&e not done so for years. We suffer the %ain of sore muscles until we ha&e reconditioned oursel&es. #f we are not diligent, in disci%lining oursel&es we will always 'e sore. -his may sound rather gloomy, as if all there is in the end is suffering. 3owe&er, 6esus %romises us that we will re/oice in exultation after the suffering and e&en through it. +I2eter J<I9-I;, As you %atiently hang-in-there through the sore s%iritual muscles of dou't and anxiety, you will find the %ain su'siding. Aou ha&e 'ecome stronger, a'le to ser&e 5od /oyfully, en/oying your relationshi% it 3im. Aou need to face the fact that your idols will not fulfill you, and lay them down, %re%aring to acce%t the suffering that will come. #f your heart is set to lo&e and ser&e 5od, 3is grace will 'e there to meet you in your dar*est hour. Aou will come to *now 6esus as the @3ealer of the 'ro*en hearted.@ As you see 3is lo&e and care as a reality in your life, the fulfillment you ha&e 'een see*ing will 'e yours. htt%<==www.restoringwholeness.org=articles=idolatry.htm Wh)t Do Those $tr ggling With $ex )l 7ro3enness W)nt To Tell The 4h r.h1 'y 6eremy !ar*s !any %eo%le are sur%rised to learn there are ministries a&aila'le to hel% those who struggle with same sex feelings - 'ut do not want to 'e, 'ecause of their Christian faith. #t may come as e&en more of a sur%rise to learn that not e&eryone who is attracted to same sex %eo%le wants to li&e out a gay lifestyle. Aet a%%roaches to the issue among %rofessing Christians today can range from 'eing &ery li'eral in theology - encouraging the gay life - to the o%%osite extreme - 'eing im%laca'ly hostile towards homosexual %eo%le. WH&T DO WE ME&N 7! 2E%/"&!21 5enerally s%ea*ing, we do not li*e the ex%ression ex-gay? it can %resent a misleading message, de%ending on how %eo%le inter%ret it. 3owe&er, it is useful short-hand and we ha&ent 'een a'le to come u% with anything 'etter, so an ex%lanation of what we do mean is im%ortant to 'egin with< Essenti)lly0 we re,er to someone )s E%/"&! i, they h)-e reno n.ed the homosex )l li,estyle )nd the whole g)y identity th)t goes with 26

it / ,or the s)3e o, ,ollowing the 'ord 8es s 4hrist )nd is response to the te).hing o, s.ript re. 3owe&er, they m)y still be )ttr).ted to s)me sex )nd str ggle with homosex )l tempt)tions. Some %eo%le, such as the author of this article, may grow out of their homosexual orientation, and go on to marry. 3owe&er, in our ex%erience, marriage should ne&er 'e %ursued as a %otential solution for the %erson struggling with homosexuality. A man is unli*ely to find that his same-sex attractions cease as a result of marriage. #n fact, many married men struggle more than e&er if they are insecure in their masculine identity, es%ecially if their wife is &ery insecure too. & 9UE$T(ON O# *R(OR(T(E$ -he origins of a homosexual orientation ha&e usually de&elo%ed o&er many years, long 'efore the %erson concerned is aware of the significance of those de&elo%mental roots. !any Christians, una'le to 'ear the %ros%ect of life-long celi'acy +which to them im%lies ne&er-ending loneliness,, see* the %ossi'ility of changing their sexual orientation - ho%ing they can marry and that this will answer their need. -he $uestion of %ossi'le change in sexual orientation is a &ery contentious issue +'ecause of &arying theological and ideological arguments,. 3owe&er a *ey issue here is - what does the indi&idual truly desire from the 'ottom of their heart - rather than what are others ex%ecting of themF !any %eo%le long for com%anionshi% and intimacy more than anything, understanda'ly enough. 3owe&er, though few would ac*nowledge it, that yearning may significantly o&erride their con&iction to li&e according to the teaching of scri%ture) "OD W(N$ OUR HE&RT$ 7! H($ "R&4E When 5od really wins our hearts, we find %eace with oursel&es. 5radually the 'alance of our %riorities change. As we lo&e 3im more, 5od s ways 'ecome more im%ortant to us. !oreo&er, we learn to see our sexuality as 5od-gi&en for 3is glory - not as an enemy to 'e resisted) UN'(M(TED *OTENT(&' (N 4HR($T As we 'ecome secure in 5ods lo&e, and desire to follow his ways a'o&e all, there is no limit to what 5od can do. As homosexual tem%tations lose their %ower, a change in sexual orientation may cease to 'e the main %riority for us. !any Christians find, from a more mature %ers%ecti&e, that their %rimary concern is to de&ote their li&es to 5ods ser&ice, ha%%y to relin$uish the %otential of marriage to do so. -his is a &ery worthy and 'i'lical goal +I Corinthians L<G,M,. 0or others who strongly desire to marry and ha&e a family, 5od may o%en u% this %ossi'ility for them. UNDER$T&ND(N" THE *&RT(4U'&R 4H&''EN"E$ #OR THE E%/"&!

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#t is encouraging to see an increasing num'er of Christians today who are interested to *now how to understand gay %eo%le and res%ond with com%assion. When it comes to tal*ing a'out %ractical hel% howe&er - es%ecially *nowing it may ta*e years for the homosexual %erson to wor* through their insecurities, there is still much fear in %eo%les minds. When a gay %erson starts trying to cautiously raise the su'/ect - to test %eo%les reactions - they can easily recognise those who fell uncomforta'le. Conse$uently, they often remain silent, fearful of re/ection. !any drift away, cynically re%orting to others that the Church is 'asically a family-orientated institution that has no %lace for someone who is gay. WH&T DO E%/"&!$ W&NT TO $&!1 Our disci%leshi% grou% mem'ers s%ent an e&ening discussing what they would li3e to share with their fellow church mem'ers, if only they could o&ercome their $ualms) 3ere are some %oints we thought might 'e hel%ful for Christians who want to learn how to 'e a real su%%ort< :. Do not thin3 o, homosex )lity )s something n s )l. "&ery church is li*ely to ha&e %eo%le struggling with this issue in secret - too afraid to o%en u%. 5. Do not be emb)rr)ssed to t)l3 )bo t the s b;e.t o, homosex )lity. "m'arrassment inhi'its sharing and hinders the de&elo%ment of a healthy en&ironment. 6. When someone sh)res0 do not ignore wh)t they s)y. A one-off sharing or counselling session is ne&er enough. 5rowing into Christian maturity is an ongoing %rocess for us all. -he time needed for the homosexual to wor* through their difficulties in relating a%%ro%riately with the same sex is li*ely to 'e years. -hey need our long-term in&ol&ement. <. Dont p)tronise them= t)3e their ,eelings serio sly. !any homosexual %eo%le feel &ery isolated and are filled with %ain, e&en self-hatred. #f they ha&e ex%erienced intimacy from a gay friend that meant a great deal to them, @Christian lo&e@ +often conditional, ex%ressed with fear of aloofness, offers no ho%e) #f they are to 'elie&e they can e&er 'elong to the Cords family and ha&e &alue in 5ods sight, we must regard them worthy of the same res%ect and attention as anyone else. >. Homosex )l people need w)rmth ?to .h@. -ouch is &ital to us all, to 'e whole and feel a sense of 'elonging. -here should 'e no irrational fear of A# S. As a relationshi% grows, 'e %re%ared to show affection, hugging and touching in ways a%%ro%riate 'etween family mem'ers or close friends. :. Re)lise th)t p berty is ) spe.i)l time when identity is being ,ormed. -a*e an interest in %eo%le going through %u'erty. 3el% teenagers to 'uild a solid identity.

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5. Help the homosex )l person to sh)re. 1uild a trust relationshi% that ma*es sharing easy and natural. Aou can do this 'est 'y 'eing o%en, honest, and &ulnera'le yourself. "&ery Christian has ex%erienced difficulties in their li&es of one sort or another and has had to learn how to trust 5od through such times. -his can 'e an ins%iration and encouragement to others. (t is import)nt to 3now )nd re)lise: Do not expe.t inst)nt deli-er)n.eA A lasting change of heart comes through a %rocess of s%iritual growth for any of us. Casting out demonic s%irits is seldom a%%ro%riate and e&en then, most often when a %erson has 'een hea&ily in&ol&ed in the occult or it %romiscuous immoral lifestyle. #0 it is necessary, deli&erance ministry can hel% to 'ring release from addicti&e sexual 'eha&iours 'ut this does not ta*e away the roots of the %ro'lems. #ollow the bibli.)l prin.iple o, hospit)lity. #n&ite gay %eo%le to your home or out to eat, welcoming them as 'rothers Q sisters into the family of 5od. -hey will ne&er feel secure as Christians, or 'elie&e they 'elong, unless we treat them as if they do. Help dis.iple the ex/g)y person. Study 5ods Word with them. 3el% them 'ecome well grounded and secure in the lo&e of Christ. Only then can they 'egin res%onding to the challenges 5ods S%irit 'rings and the onset of change. -each them that we are in a s%iritual 'attle, su'tle though this may 'e and show them what is means to %ut their armour on. +"%hesians K<I:-IG, En.o r)ge the ex/g)y to o,,er some ,orm o, ser-i.e in the 4h r.h. !any gay %eo%le are &ery gifted and ha&e much to contri'ute to church life - as long as they realise they are a%%reciated %rimarily for who they are, not /ust for what they can do) -his will hel% him=her de&elo% more of a sense of 'elonging to their Christian family and 'uild self-res%ect. #n turn, others will increasingly see them as a whole %erson, not /ust a homosexual or les'ian. Do not )ss me )n ex/g)y m)n is going to be ) d)nger to yo r .hildren. #f your anti%athy towards his homosexuality does not dri&e him away, then a suggestion li*e this certainly will) -he homosexual man is no more li*ely to 'e a danger to children than a heterosexual man is. $ome ex/g)y do not h)-e good so.i)l s3ills. Aou may need to encourage them 'y ta*ing them to Church or to other fellowshi%-related acti&ities. htt%<==www.restoringwholeness.org=articles=tellthechurch.htm & 4risis (n The #)mily Author Un*nown

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So often today we hear %eo%le say @Aou can choose your friends, 'ut you can.t choose your family@. Well, 5od has chosen your family for a reason. -he main reason is 3e wants our family to 'e a lo&ing, su%%orti&e and nurturing unit. -he family is a microcosm of the Church and Satan.s main o'/ecti&e is to 'rea* u% families which then generally causes ha&oc in society. When we are di&ided, we can 'e con$uered. Unity is what holds the uni&erse togetherit is what 5od set into motion in the 'eginning. @-he thief comes to *ill, ro' and destroy 'ut # ha&e come so that you might ha&e life and that more a'undantly@. 6ohn I:<I: With all the %ressure on families today, how do we co%e when a crisis arisesF When any tragedy or 'ad news hits our families, one of the most de&astating thoughts we ex%erience as indi&iduals and families is that we are alone and that no-one cares. -hus our emotions 'ecome entangled in a we' of confusion which %roduces des%air and the feeling that there is not ho%e. Once we find a su%%orti&e and nurturing grou% of %eo%le who ha&e had similar ex%eriences, we realise that< I. -he same thing has ha%%ened to other families and they ha&e sur&i&ed. 9. We are not alone in this. ;. We ha&e feelings and emotions that are real, and are ON to ha&e. J. -here is ho%e for our lo&ed ones and the rest of the family. -rauma does not /ust effect the %erson alone, 'ut has a ri%%le effect across the family. -here are real emotions in&ol&ed when a lo&ed one has chosen a lifestyle that is %otentially harmful to themsel&es, and it is de&astating to the family who feel %owerless to hel%. -hese emotions can range from anger, fear, disgust, guilt, em'arrassment, shame, desire to disassociate and re&ulsion. 5uilt is often one of the first emotions that we feel and we want to a'sol&e our lo&ed one and 'lame oursel&es for not 'eing a good %arent, which has resulted in their lifestyle choice. -his might 'e true and it might not, 'ut either way, 'laming yourself will not change what is. All of these are real feelings and are normal. #t is ON to feel these things, 'ut it is 4O- ON to stay there. We need to own our feelings, and mo&e on. As Christians we *now that 5od has said 3e will not gi&e us a 'urden we cannot carry. 3old on to this %romise, and 'e continually in %rayer, forgi&ing your lo&ed one for the %ain they ha&e and continue to cause. 0orgi&e yourself for the feelings that you ha&e, and commit your family into 5od.s care. 1e ex%ectant to see 5od do miracles in your life and the life of your lo&ed one. 6esus came to sa&e all sinners, and we ha&e no right to choose whom we feel are more acce%ta'le for ministry. Unfortunately today 'oth society and the church ha&e a %ro'lem dealing with homosexuality, more so than they do with 30

any other lifestyle choice or sexual sin. We must remem'er that there is no degree of sin, or that one sin is more acce%ta'le than another. What we do need to do, 'oth as indi&iduals and the church, is lo&e e&eryone as 6esus did. We need to se%arate the lifestyle and sin and the %erson. -he exam%le that 6esus gi&es us is that of the %rostitute who was 'rought 'efore 3im for condemnation=/udgment. 3e told the %eo%le that those who were without sin could cast the first stone. 6esus first ministered to the %erson, and then dealt with the lifestyle=sin. Another good exam%le of this was the woman at the well and the 5race with which 6esus dealt with her lifestyle choice. So, as a family who has a lo&ed one who is struggling with homosexuality, you are %ro'a'ly thin*ing, @-hat is all good and well, 'ut how do # get through thisF@. # can only tell you of my own ex%erience in this area and the 5race of 5od.... 5od gi&es us our children for a season, during which time we are their custodians, teachers, and su%%orters. We are commanded to teach them a 5odly set of &alues and trust that this will surface when the need arises. When they lea&e our homes and ma*e their own way in the world, we must continue to lo&e, su%%ort and encourage. When they fall, we need to allow them to 'e res%onsi'le for themsel&es and acce%t the conse$uences of their mista*es. We need to understand that we can not continue to 'e their @rescuer@. "&ery time we come to their aide we ena'le them to continue their lifestyle and sin. #t seems that some of us ha&e to come to a %oint in our li&es where we 'ecome sic* and tired of 'eing sic* and tiredthe end of our ro%e so to s%ea*. We must 'e willing to do anything for our healing Another im%ortant lesson is that we need to learn to let go of our children and commit them into 5od.s care. -his is not as easy as it sounds, and often you will find yourself in a co-de%endant situation, 'ecause it is easier to hang on to what you thin* you can fix. When you wal* with the Cord, 3e re&eals things to you and you need to 'e o'edient in letting go when 3e says so. 4ot doing to will result in continued anxiety and e&en fear for your lo&ed one. -his is not hel%ful to you or your family mem'er and is not what 5od wants for us. 5od wants to hel%. 3e wants us to 'e o%en to 3is will. #n the %ast, we ha&e 'een our own o'stacle to 5od.s %ur%ose. 4ow we need to choose to hum'le oursel&es in the healing %rocess 3e ta*es us through. We need to acce%t res%onsi'ility for our own actions as they relate to the situation and to grow s%iritually through it all. "xodus IL tells us the story of !oses who told 6oshua to gather a small grou% of men and to go to war against the Amale*ites. !oses would sit on the to% of the hill and hold u% the staff of 5od to ensure their success. While !oses hands were in the air the #sraelites were winning, 'ut when his arms got tired and the staff lowered they started loosing. Aaron and 3ur came alongside !oses and sat him on a roc* and each one held u% one of his arms, to hel% the #sraelites win. -his they did, than*s to their o'edience of 5od.s command and their teamwor*.

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-his is what the Restoring Wholeness family su%%ort grou% is created to 'e... Alone we can 'e de&astated 'y the fact that one of our lo&ed ones is gay, 'ut together we can su%%ort, encourage and learn from each other. -he su%%ort grou%s hel% us to understand the com%lexity of emotions, actions and $uestions that we ha&e a'out our lo&ed ones homosexuality. Su%%ort hel%s us go through the grie&ing %rocess, and ena'les us to identify the ste%s in the %rocess and to deal with these 'y a%%lying 'i'lical %rinci%les. We are a'le to identify co-de%endency in families and learn to communicate and relate in a healthy way. We learn to deal with acce%tance, what we should and should not acce%t, and forgi&eness and how to as* for it. We learn the %rinci%les of communicating, which will 'ring understanding, o%enness and co-o%eration instead of misunderstanding, distrust and alienation. We learn to de&elo% listening s*ills, which encourages true communication. We ex%lore 5od.s creati&e design and order regarding human sexuality. We learn to understand the difference 'etween homosexual attraction and 'eha&iour. We encourage faith that 5od is a'le and willing to 'ring wholeness to the homosexual %erson. We learn to understand the enemy, including his intent and limitations, and to arm Christians for 'attle, 'oth defensi&ely and offensi&ely. R9K Ugliness -urned into 2aradise, story from @6ourney into Cife@ 'y Rudi Cac*< As # ste%%ed out of the missionary com%ound, the sights and smells of Argentina hit me with full force. # had to hold my 'reath, so foul was the stench of the o%en sewers lining the road. -he water in these shallow trenches a%%eared 'lac* and %olluted, and a layer of trash floated and 'o''ed on the grimy surface li*e suds in a washing machine. -he streets were not and airless, with the ho&ering stillness that comes /ust 'efore a thunderstorm. -he feet of humans and animals trudging 'y *ic*ed u% a great cloud of dust, which swirled and then settled on the dam%, clammy surface of my s*in. O&ercome 'y the crush of heat, dirt and noise, # turned and went 'ac* to the relati&e coolness and sanity of the mission house. uring the night, the %romised thunderstorm rolled o&er the city. Rain fell until 32

the early hours of the morning, when the sun rose and the clouds were 'lown away 'y a fresh wind, scudding across the dar* 'lue s*y li*e sail'oats on a mighty la*e. Re&i&ed 'y a good nights slee%, # decided to ta*e a 'rief wal* outside. 1ut this time, when # ste%%ed out of the com%ound, # could scarcely 'elie&e my eyes. What a transformation) -he rain had swelled the ugly sewer trenches along the road and flushed away the worst of the %ollution. 3ere and there, $uiet, clear little %ools on the streets mirrored the 'lue s*y and snow white clouds. "&en the trees which had faded into the landsca%e the day 'efore now stood tall and green, their roots immersed in water. -he ugly sewer had now 'ecome a teeming ex%anse of life. !yriads of frolic*ing grogs created hundreds of ri%%les across the surface. # had ne&er seen so many frogs) -hey seemed deliriously content with their new en&ironment /um%ing, %laying and trying to outdo one another in a deafening concert of 'ull-grog croa*s. Rain from a'o&e had turned the misera'le ha'itat into a %aradise for them. 1lades of grass had s%rung u% o&ernight, and insects swarmed in e&ery direction. -he whole area had 'ecome an immense concert hall that resounded to the glory of 5od the creator. # was awe-struc* 'y the extent of the transformation- and at the same time # could see a s%iritual %arallel to this story. We humans often ma*e a mess of our li&es and the world we li&e in. 'ut 5ods inter&ention will turn it into something 'eautiful. id he not say in 3is Word that 3e would 'ring 'eauty out of ashes -hat he would %our water on the dray groundF 3e can turn the ugliest sewer into a 'eautiful %layground that reflects 3is glory for all to see. #f the circumstances in your life seem a little de%ressing today, ta*e heart. Under 5ods direction they can 'e transformed into a 'eautiful garden, teeming with the life of his *ingdom. Cet 3im show you the %otential for transformation in your life you can 'egin to see it now through they eyes of faith. 2rayer< @3ea&enly 0ather, -han* you for your 5race in our li&es Cord. -han* you Cord that your word assures us that you will ne&er gi&e us a 'urden that we cannot carry. -han* you 6esus that you are always there waiting for us to come to you for hel% during a crisis. -han* you Cord that e&en through a crisis we can grow s%iritually when we wal* with you. -han* you Cord that your 3oly S%irit is constantly with us to guide and direct us. 3el% us Cord to learn to forgi&e those who ha&e hurt us, and # %ray that for those family mem'ers here today that are hurting, that you would minister to them at their %oint of need. 0ather fill them with your %eace, that they might *now that Aou are the healer. 0ather remind us that you are 'igger than all our %ro'lems and instil in their hearts the ho%e that we ha&e in the sa&ing 5race of 6esus. 0ather hel% us to surrender our concerns to you and to wait ex%ectantly to see the miracles you will do in our and our lo&ed ones li&es. 33

#n 6esus name, Amen@. htt%<==www.restoringwholeness.org=articles=crisis.htm &d-i.e #or *)rents o, ")y 4hildren Aou will %ro'a'ly feel that you are a solitary case, instead of one in a giant minority scattered e&erywhere in the world. #f %arents could recall other cases where their friends had heard similar disclosures made 'y children, the /olt would 'e far less. 1eing a homosexual does not negate %arental lo&e, any more than 5od negates 3is lo&e for 3is children when they ha&e fallen to sin. 3e still lo&es us. After children tell their %arents of their homosexual in&ol&ement, at least their own inner struggle has 'een externalised. Aour child is no tragedy. 3e is still your child. Nnowing he is in&ol&ed in homosexuality does not erase all the /oy and 'lessing he has 'een to you o&er the years in growing u%. 6ust 'ecause you learned of his %ro'lem, does it mean you cannot 'e the same lo&ing mother you were a few hours 'efore you *new thisF 3as he changedF Was it not the same child you would do anything for, gi&e your life to sa&e hisF Where is the lo&e and com%assion you dis%layed so easily 'eforeF When your child re&eals a %iece of his own life to you, this is an ex%ression of dee% trust. !a*ing this disclosure to you is %ro'a'ly one of the ma/or decisions in his life. Aour reaction will 'e long remem'ered. What a terrific o%%ortunity for all %arents to show their loyalty and allegiance to their child when they are first aware that he is caught u% in this dilemma. oes the *nowledge of it somehow cri%%le our a'ility to show our allegiance to himF 5et across to him that you lo&e him no matter what. -his unconditional lo&e is what you must con&ey to him. Aou lo&e him, 'ut you must hate his sin, 'ecause it hurts him. Regardless of his condition, you lo&e him. #f he is caught in dee% sin, willing to change, unwilling to change, or e&en if he is too u%tight to tal* a'out it with you, ma*e him aware that your lo&e does not de%end on his 'eha&iour. Aou can lo&e him 'ecause of his struggle, not in s%ite of it. Nee% your lo&e flowing to your child in e&ery %ossi'le way you can demonstrate it. -his will %re&ent stagnation and 'itterness from settling in you own heart. #t will assure him of this unconditional lo&e you are showing him, which will remind him of 5ods lo&e for him. Stay close to the Cord. Sometimes situations li*e this dri&e %eo%le to 5od. #f you were not in fellowshi% 'efore this, you can 'e now. 2raise the Cord in the midst of the situation. Nnowing that 5od will restore your child in 3is time to com%lete fellowshi%. 1e willing to welcome your child with o%en arms, no $uestions as*ed. Cet your continual reflection 'e, @2raise the Cord, anyhow)@ -his situation came 34

to you through 5ods s%ecial filter to %urify your life and ma*e your family united in ser&ing the Cord. -rials are to strengthen the 'onds, ma*ing them strong as ca'les. Cet this trial dee%en your faith and ma*e you %recious metal for the !asters use, ha&ing the dross remo&ed 'y fire. A'o&e all wra% your child in lo&e and %resent him to the Cord for 3im to restore in 3is own time %rogramme. -his commitment to the Cord will free you to %ray for the healing %ower of the 3oly S%irit to in&ade and li'erate him. Nee% Romans G<9G fore&er in your heart 5ods %romise that<@ all things wor* together for good to those that lo&e 5od.@ e&en when things seem shattered. -his should ta*e a high %osition on the %riority list for Scri%ture on suffering. One should always a&oid hy%ocrisy 'y gli'ly $uoting Scri%ture, instead, aim to saturate yourself with the Word of 5od. So that, when you awa*e in the middle of the night with acute signs of anxiety sym%toms, you might hear the &oice of the Cord whis%er to you< @!y child this will all wor* out for good, 'ecause you lo&e me and are called for my %ur%oses.@ -his saturation of Scri%ture will %ut into your S%irit the Word that the 3oly S%irit re$uires to 'ring forth 3is healing to your inner 'eing. -hin* a'out this @#n lo&es ser&ice, only the wounded can ser&e, for they alone can understand the cry of the 'leeding heart.@ -his shattering you are feeling will one day 'e gone, and in it s %lace, will 'e a heart of lo&e to minister to others who 5od will 'ring into your life, 'ecause you ha&e %assed this cu% of suffering trial. htt%<==www.restoringwholeness.org=articles=ad&ice.htm Wh)t To Do When !o r 4hild (s Homosex )l Written 'y< -otal -ransformation When your child comes home to tell you that he=she is gay, it can throw you into a %it of des%air and into a series of &ery destructi&e and %iercing ex%eriences in your family. "&en if you sus%ected that to 'e true 'eforehand, the o%en confession still confirms %ossi'ly one of your dee%est %ro'a'ly fears. 3ow is a Christian %arent su%%osed to res%ond to such a confessionF 3ow do you co%e with dee%ly lo&ing your child and ha&ing to face his=her confessionF 3ow do you mange the %ainful ex%eriences you and your family are suddenly thrown intoF 3ow do you handle your own emotions and feelings of utter des%air, %erha%s e&en de%ressionF -he aim of this article is that it will ser&e as a first aid *it. #t is not %ossi'le to answer all the $uestions that such an ex%erience gi&es rise to within us, rather we will gi&e a few %ointers to hel% Christian %arents find direction through the ma7e of emotions and unex%ected strain on their family when they suddenly ha&e to co%e with the reality that such a confession came from within their 35

own ran*s. We are going to try to lead you through a few initial things that might ma*e u% your ex%erience in %art. We will address the issues from a 1i'lical %ers%ecti&e, and assume that as a %arent your concern will 'e as much for your family, yours, and your childs s%iritual well-'eing, as it would 'e for lo&ing your child and acce%ting him=her into a lo&ing home. Wh)t do ( do with my own response1 1y the time you read this, you would %ro'a'ly already ha&e had a rather emotional discussion, +%erha%s a few, with your child a'out their confession. Aou might ha&e res%onded in a state of shoc* and said things you regretted afterwards. What is im%ortant is to ac*nowledge to yourself first what the im%act of that confession was on you as a %arent. Are you angryF o you feel life lost its meaningF o you wish it was all a 'ad dream and that you will wa*e u% tomorrow morning to find that it is all goneF oes your heart ache for your childF Are you torn a%art within 'ecause of your lo&e for your child and the sudden distance 'etween you and him=herF Are you shoc*ed and feeling una'le to face u% to the daily demands of your /o' and homeF o you feel guilty and full of remorse that you were not a&aila'le to your child through the years of his=her secret style with homosexualityF -he first thing to acce%t is that your initial res%onse, howe&er wrong it might ha&e 'een, was an e&ent and need not 'e a decisi&e factor in your future relationshi% wit your child. Aou need to gi&e yourself room to o&ercome the intensity of your own res%onse. Aou will need to s%end much time with 5od, &oicing your res%onse to 3im, and allowing your emotions to come to the surface in 3is %resence. 3e is still there. 3e still cares for your family, your child, and yourself. -o assist you in this %rocess, we gi&e you an acti&ity to wor* through in your won $uiet time with 5od. -hese acti&ities might ta*e time to wor* through honestly 'efore 5od, 'ut do not go o&er them hastily. S%end time with 5od going through your own res%onses and learning from the 1i'le as much as you can. Re)d 5 $)m el :6 to 5 $)m el :B. As you read, do the following< !a*e notes of all a&ids emotions and res%onses to his children as they res%ond in ungodly ways. Which of these emotions can you relate toF iscuss each one you can relate to with 5od. !a*e notes of all mista*es you 'elie&e a&id made with his children. What were the conse$uences of those mista*esF Which of them can you relate toF iscuss each one with 5od. !a*e notes a'out the things you 'elie&e a&id res%onded to correctly to his son. Why do you 'elie&e each case was the correct way of res%ondingF What did you learn from itF Su%%ose you are a&id. Write a few letters to A'salom telling him how you feel a'out his 'eha&iour. -he first letter after he murdered his 'rother, the 36

second letter after he arri&ed 'ac* in 6erusalem after the exile. -he third letter after you learnt of his re&olt? the fourth letter after you learnt of his death. Coo* at the four letters you wrote. What do you fear most in the case of your won childs confession to youF 4ow write two more letters. Write to the child that made the confession, honestly &oicing your inner res%onse, as well as concern for him=her. Write another letter to 5od, res%onding to 3im a'out these two matters as well. +Aou need not gi&e the letter you wrote to your child to read, 'ut go through 'oth letters in %rayer 'efore 5od,. #f nothing else, then the story of A'salom in the 1i'le gi&es us a few &ery im%ortant things from 5ods Word a'out our children. a&id was a man after 5ods own heart, yet his children went their own way. We cannot decide on 'ehalf of our children what way they should li&e. iscuss this fact with 5od in the context of your own family situation. a&id ne&er disowned A'salom, e&en to the %oint of death. Aet, his child s 'eha&iour forced a &ery %ainful distance 'etween them. 3ow do you feel a'out this in y our own situationF Although a&id was the Ning, he could not control his childrens decisions as to how they should li&e. 3ow do you feel a'out the reality that your child chooses to ma*e decisions that you cannot control, 'ut that cut you u% on the insideF How do ( respond to my .hild1 #f your child came to you and confessed to 'e a drug-addict, would you ha&e res%onded in the same way you are res%onding to the confession of homosexualityF -he truth is that homosexuality carries a stigma to it. Aou will ha&e to sit down and honestly loo* at your res%onse. Which %art of your res%onse is out of genuine concern for your child, and which 'ecause of a res%onse to society +what will %eo%le sayF,. Aou will ha&e to come to gri%s with the fact that your res%onse may ha&e an element of %ersonal em'arrassment in it. Are you willing, and a'le, to %ut your childs welfare 'efore your own %osition in society. Can you grow 'eyond your res%onse to your child s confession and its im%act u%on you and your family s re%utationF 3ow are you going to co%e with the fact that what only ha%%ens to them has now ha%%ened in your own homeF Although it is a &ery %ainful %rocess, as %arents we must realise that we %lay a 5od-gi&en role in our childrens li&es. Can we /ust %ush them aside when they do things that cause the rest of the family to 'e thrown into a 'ad re%utation dilemmaF Only after you ha&e come to a %lace where you ha&e wor*ed through your own self-defence will you 'e a'le to ma*e decisions that would 'e 'est for your child and the rest of your family. 3ow do you 'alance your res%onse to %rotect the rest of your children and the family as a whole, while ma*ing decisions that will hel% this one childF -O address issues of this nature, let us clear our minds first clutter and loo* at a few 'asic truths a'out %arents< We %resent 5od to our children. -hey learn a'out 5od from our exam%le. We are accounta'le to 5od for the way in which we rear our children and the decisions we ma*e on their 'ehalf. 5od ga&e them to us to raise them in the 37

fear of the Cord. We do not own our children. We cannot control their li&es. -hey 'elong to 5od in the first instance. 5od ne&er o&errules one s free will, and when our children grow u%, we need to increasingly allow them to exercise their own free will as adults. We need to allow them to ma*e their own choices when they 'ecome adults. 1ut also to see to it that they are raised in the Word of 5od as they are growing u%, so that they are e$ui%%ed and trained to ma*e 5odly choices. Once we ha&e esta'lished these truths, we ha&e something to 'ase our res%onses on. Cets loo* at it< 3ow do # res%ond to my childF 0irstly, the right way to res%ond to your child will 'e the way 5od res%onds to us when we choose a lifestyle contrary to 3is standards. 3ow does he res%ond in such a caseF o you *nowF Cets do another acti&ity to ex%lore this truth. Re)d "enesis 5::C0:D E "enesis 6. As you read, consider the following< I. 3ow did 5od res%ond to the fact that the %innacle of 3is creation, the one that carried 3is image, made a choice that caused 5ods initial %ur%oses to 'e thwartedF 9. 5od was actually in a %osition where 3e had enough %ower to cause them to ma*e different decisions, or to force them into o'edience to 3imself. Why did he choose to allow them a free willF + o you sometimes wish you could forcefully change your childs decision.,F ;. id 5od ignore their choice to diso'ey 3imF +5enesis ;<L-9J,. What was the cost for 3im to face u% to their choicesF +6ohn ;<IK, Romans D<I-I:,. J. Read Cu*e ID<II-;9 for a %icture of i&ine %arenthood. What do you learn from this %ara'le in your own situationF See the child as the son wanting his share to lea&e. 5O through the different %hases of the %ara'le while you res%ond as the %arent, allowing your child to 'e the son. iscuss your res%onse to each %hase with the Cord. D. Consider the statement< @What my childs confession is doing to me, # am doing to 5od whene&er # choose to li&e a life contrary to 3is design as found in the 1i'le. iscuss your own life with 5od in this %ers%ecti&e. K. Read Cu*e ID<II-;9 again. 4ow go through the %ara'le again, 'ut his time see 5od as the 0ather, and you as the child wanting to li&e your won life. 5o through the %hases again, this time res%onding as the child wanting to lea&e. iscuss your res%onse with the Cord. We are now ready to face u% to a few %ractical situations. Aou need to res%ond to your child. Aou cannot /ust sit 'ac*. As* yourself< 3ow can # maintain 5ods standards in my home while # gi&e my child freedom of choice in his=her own lifeF +#f your child is still at an age where you should ta*e authority, and not gi&e them freedom of choice, then how are you going to do thatF, What would 'est honour 5od in the situationF #f 5od treats me the way # treat my child now that he=she touches my re%utation and go against my will, what will ha%%en to meF #f # /ust acce%t my child and em'race homosexuality for the sa*e of %eace in my home, do # then honour 5odF +#saiah DM<I,9,. #f # /ust disown my child and re/ect him=her, what chance of sal&ation would there 'e for me if 5od treated me that wayF What is the 'est 38

way to res%ond to the rest of my childrenF Are they any 'etter than this wayward childF Read Cu*e ID<II-;9 again. Which child was the more difficult and more diso'edient child in the endF Am # willing to continue to gi&e all my attention to ACC my children and not let this crises allow me to focus all my attention only on one childF 3ow can # ma*e sure # s%read my attention to all my children and ha&e all their well 'eing on my mindF The tr th is we h)-e one o, 6 possible w)ys to respond: "m'race homosexuality and redefine your %osition regarding it. -his is without dou't what would gi&e your child immediate /oy and immediately restore %eace 'etween you and the child. Re/ect your child and distance yourself from him=her, claiming that you would not ha&e any contact with them for as long as they li&e this life. Wal* the %ainful road of maintaining 5od s standards while you continue to lo&e your child. -here are no hard and fast rules, /ust the reality of a real lo&e for your child and a forced distance from your child 'ecause of his=her choices. We do not ha&e to com%romise the standards of 5od in order to lo&e our children. #n fact, we lo&e them most when we stand firm on 5ods standards. Without dou't, your child will try to con&ince you to acce%t homosexuality and gi&e them the freedom to o%enly li&e it out in your %resence. 4o dou't, in moments of des%air, you might feel li*e running away or %erha%s sending your child away. 3owe&er, are you willing to follow 5od s exam%leF -o continue to lo&e your wayward childF Always ma*ing room for the way 'ac*, without changing the standards of your own con&ictions. -hin* a'out Cu*e ID<II-;9 again. What would the outcome ha&e 'een if the father ga&e in to his %ain when the child wanted to lea&e and allowed him to li&e a life of s$uander and immorality in his own homeF Would there 'e any ho%e of change for the childF #)mily Rel)tionships At a time li*e this, %arents &ery often get into arguments with each other a'out what the correct res%onse would 'e to the child. 1e %atient with each other, realising that 'oth are going through a lot of trauma. S%end time to comfort, encourage one another, and continue to tal* a'out the issues you need to decide a'out in the light of 5ods Word. o not allow yoursel&es to get into emotional discussions, and do not allow yoursel&es to follow your own mind or heart in an im%ortant decision, li*e how to res%ond to your child in %rinci%al or in %ractical ways. Always come together with 5od s Word and learn from it. -ry to im%lement within your family, and your res%onse to your child, what you learn. -here are many stories of families in the 1i'le 5o through them together and see what you can learn. Remem'er that homosexuality is a relational %ro'lem. -herefore, you can ex%ect that relational %ro'lems will 'ecome %re&alent in your family. -a*e care not to allow this one child to 'ecome the centre of attention while the rest of the family has to cater for that one %ersons needs. Cet your child ta*e res%onsi'ility for his=her decisions, while you steer the rest of the family into healthy li&ing. #f you want to gi&e a message of ho%e to your child, then maintain a healthy family life. #t was thin*ing 'ac* to the fact that e&en the 39

sla&es in his fathers house had a 'etter life than he did that 'rought the %rodigal son 'ac*. -herefore you hel% your child +and all your other children, most if you maintain a healthy family home rather than to fall into a tra% of focusing all your attention on that one %ro'lem %erson, and in doing so 'ecome an unhealthy, un'alanced family. #in)lly o not des%air. 5od does not agree with secular science that homosexuals cannot change. Read I Corinthians K<M-II and ta*e note of the %ast tense in &erse II. Are you willing to follow the exam%le of true %arenthood in Cu*e ID, and then to watch and %ray for the return of your son=daughter while you allow them to li&e the life they ha&e chosenF &re yo willing to let them t)3e responsibility ,or their own li-es )nd .)rry the .onseF en.es o, their own .hoi.es witho t m)3ing it )s e)sy )s possible ,or them1 We ser&e a li&ing 5od. o not gi&e u%)) Commit yourself and your children to 3im, remem'ering those that are still at home need your %rayers as much as the one who has left. Always remem'er that 5od is wal*ing this road with you. 3e *nows the %ain of ha&ing to res%ond to wayward children. Share your heart o%enly and freely with 3im. 3e is your 'est role model, therefore watch how 3e res%onds to sinners, and follow 3is exam%le. Written by Total Transformation !.". #o$ %&''(, )laeberg *+%* Cape Town , Tel -./0+1.% .2% .%* htt%<==www.restoringwholeness.org=articles=child.htm & story )bo t ) teen)ger !any teenagers are now taught that their emerging feelings are %roof of homosexuality, and that this is %erfectly natural and o*ay. Once tested, they may recei&e the gender acce%tance that their emotional side has 'een crying out for. -he conclusion is then all too easily made that they were designed to 'e homosexual, and that this is the only way their dee%est needs can 'e met. #n todays %ermissi&e society, o%%osite sex ex%eriences in %u'erty are often acce%ted and condoned as normal. 1i'lically, the Word is &ery clear that any sexual acti&ity outside the 'oundaries of marriage is re'ellion against 5od s original intent for his creation. #n my own teenage years, # 'ecame sexually acti&e and e&entually aggressi&e. # was e&en arrested for sexual misconduct on a few different occasions. !y Christian %arents were &ery confused a'out my 'eha&iour. -hey *new a'out the twenty-fi&e year old woman, in our church, who molested me when # was ele&en 'ut didnt *now a'out the ra%e # ex%erienced at six 'y neigh'ourhood 'oys nor did they *now a'out the man who molested me in a city %ar* toilet. # dont recall anyone as*ing me in de%th what was going on inside of me. # do remem'er that # ne&er felt safe tal*ing a'out sex or anything that really 40

mattered. #n fact # felt shame e&ery time the su'/ect would come u%. After two arrests in which # aggressi&ely a%%roached men to ha&e sex, later finding out they were 'oth detecti&es, my %arents went to our %astor and as*ed her for hel%. At this %oint they were really confused. -he %astor suggested that they 'ring me to a %rayer meeting in which they would cast the demon of homosexuality out of me. When we arri&ed there were only women who surrounded me to %ray. # was IJ years old at the time, and # remem'er 'eing terri'ly frightened. !y 'ody shoo* with fear as they %rayed o&er me, and # felt condemned and re/ected. Afterwards # was in a terri'le state more hurt and confused than e&er and my 'asic need remained that need for masculine lo&e and affection. -hese adults truly did not *now any 'etter? 'ut instead of sol&ing the %ro'lem, they sim%ly reinforced the need to hide my 'eha&iour from others. #nstead of casting a demon out of me # ex%erienced the fear of man, rather woman. $e.reti-e beh)-io r #n my confusion, # 'ecame &ery secreti&e. # 'egan to mistrust women and didn.t li*e the %ower they held o&er me. #n time # found myself 'ecoming an a'user, all under the guise of @lo&ing 'eha&iour.@ # could not understand why %eo%le thought there was something wrong with me. # felt good a'out my feelings and trusted them as a close friend. # did not realise that # was 'uilding u% mistrust towards adults as well. # had created an intricate we' of lies and deceit around my false self and 'ro*enness. # could only see that condemnation was from %eo%le. # heard nothing from 5od. 3is reality in my life was non-existent. As # searched for who # was, # found myself 'eing %ulled into 3ollywood. # 'ecame a %rofessional singer and wor*ed in commercials and mo&ies. # was in my element. # needed to %ro&e my self-worth? # needed to 'e acce%ted 'y e&eryone. # needed affirmation and lo&e. # was young, good-loo*ing and @eager@ to succeed. # learned to use those traits to get me where # wanted to go. # ne&er $uite made it. !y success was always short-li&ed. # ne&er could understand why only that as soon as # got close to ma*ing it, # sa'otaged my success. # thought # was doing all the right things, yet the de%ression and anguish # ex%erienced on my roller-coaster ride was sometimes more than # could 'are. !y secrets 'egan to show themsel&es in anger, de%ression, isolation, and sacrificing my sexuality on the alter of others. One of the snares that *e%t success at 'ay was drugs. #t was one of the de&il.s @easy@ esca%e routes for me. !y motto 'ecame, @sex, drugs and roc* Q roll.@ And in that order) !y addictions 'ecame %aramount. # tried a'out e&ery ty%e of drug that was a&aila'le. After a three-month singing tour through Central America +successful at first, 'ut failing in the end, # returned to 3ollywood and to the drugs and sexual security # *new would comfort me. A dri&enness toward creating a masculine image, one that would 'e acce%ted 'y all 'ecame all in com%assing in my life. # had to do something to erase the lie @youll ne&er 'e any good.@ # *e%t e&eryone at arms distance in fear of 41

finding out a'out my real self. # highly %rotected the false self that # had so ingeniously created. @#f anyone really *new who # was they wouldn t lo&e me@ 'ecame a fear of dri&ing force. !y %arents didn.t *now exactly what was going on in my secret life since # had learned to hide e&erything as a teenager. -he only things they could see were the o'&ious signs of sin and re'ellion, li*e drug a'use and 'eing thrown in /ail. -hey were confused and didn.t understand. # *new # was hurting them 'ut # had no idea how to sto%. -he fight throughout my teenage years was so great, the confusion so intense that at one %oint in my early twenties # ga&e in to 'elie&e that, @-his was the way # was, so # needed to li&e with it. !ay'e 5od did create me this way.@ # was in and out of /ail se&eral times. One such arrest in my early twenties sent me into de%ression. !y %arents came to see me and said they would not 'ail me out. # couldn.t 'elie&e it. -hey were not going to rescue me) -he feeling # had was one of 'eing a'andoned, again. # returned to my cell and 'egan to cry out to the Cord. 3e heard me and, for a %eriod of time after my release from /ail, there was a mar*ed change in my life. 0or the first time # realised that 5od had a s%ecial %ur%ose for my life. 5od wanted to do a com%lete wor* in me at this %oint. 4e&ertheless, # found myself trying to hide my %ast from the Cord and others. -he hurts were too much for me to deal with. Su'se$uently, three years after this @mar&ellous@ con&ersion, # fell...and fell hard) # 'ecame li*e the man 6esus cast the demon out of and the demon went around loo*ing for a new home and couldn.t find one. 3e returned to his original home to find it clean and &acant. -hen he 'rought se&en worse de&ils with him into the man. # was worse off than 'efore) uring this time my dad died. # was de&astated. -here was no chance of setting things in order with him. Some would say there was no @true re%entance.@ 3owe&er, # 'elie&e 5od has shown me that 3e wanted to heal all my %ast hurts and ex%eriences 'efore 3e released me into ministry. # didn.t allow 3im into those areas of my heart to do that s%ecific wor*. All # wanted to do was go full steam ahead @wor*ing@ for the Cord. #t was a way of co&ering u% those %ast hurts and feelings in a cocoon of religious denial. 5od, in 3is %atience, has taught me that 3e longs to do a com%lete wor* in our li&es if we will only let 3im. 3e doesn.t /ust %ut a 'andage on the wound, to co&er it u%. Our 0ather wants to go dee% into those hidden %laces to cleanse, heal and fill with 3is lo&e. # did not understand that then. 5od has taught me to *now 3is forgi&eness, and from that ex%erience, to then forgi&e others. 3e continues to this day to teach and heal me) 0rom that time until a'out IMGD, # again re'elled against 5od. # thought nothing of a'using others to satisfy my dee% hunger for what # thought to 'e true lo&e and masculine affirmation. !y need 'ecame %aramount. -hroughout this %eriod my mom and 'rother continued to %ray. -hey ne&er sto%%ed trusting. 5od had gi&en my mom a %romise and she 'elie&ed 3im com%letely. 5ently 5od 'rought me 'ac* to 3im. # did not realise the transition at first. #t 42

started with a tragedy in my %ersonal life. -he de&astation of losing a longtime lo&er caused me to ex%erience isolation and fear. 4e&ertheless, 5od was in charge and 3is timing was %erfect. # 'ecame sic* and tired of 'eing sic* and tired, and # was willing to do anything to change) 1efore long, # had a desire to go to church. !ost im%ortantly, # found myself see*ing 5od for an answer. 3e 'egan to teach me slowly, through 3is Word, then through dreams and 'y s%ea*ing to me in 3is gentle, $uiet &oice. 3e wanted me to *now how much 3e really lo&ed me. -here was no one around who could hel% me, let alone understand my 'ro*enness, so # found myself going directly to 5od for e&erything. # really li*e the story of the Samaritan Woman in 6ohn J<I-J9. #t re%resents all of us who are 'ro*en. !any of us ha&e grown u% under the idea that 5od is a hard tas*master. 3e is legalistic and ready to condemn. Aet when # read this %assage # realise that 6esus, who is 5od, went out of 3is way to meet this woman at her %lace of need. +Es.J, #n all my re'ellion, guilt and shame # ne&er thought for a second that 5od would %ursue me) # felt that 5od had turned 3is 'ac* on me and if # was to get 5ods attention # would ha&e to do something drastic. Aet # did not ha&e the strength or courage to ta*e that ste%. 4either did the Samaritan Woman. 6esus, a 6ew, went out of 3is way to meet with her. # studied this %assage and found that first of all 6ews almost ne&er associated with Samaritans. Second it was not customary for men to associate with women, let alone tal* to them on a %ersonal le&el. 1esides 'eing a Samaritan and a woman she was an adulterous. 6esus met her at noon, the hottest time of the day. Res%ecta'le women of the day would come to the well in the mornings when it was cool to draw water. -his woman could only come in the middle of the day 'ecause the other women did not acce%t her. -his story tells of a woman who met 6esus %ersonally. She had interaction with 3im. #n the %rocess of this ex%erience 6esus made it *nown to her that 3e *new all a'out her sins yet 3e did it in a way that was not condemning 'ut rather insightful and su%%orti&e. 3e did it so that she would realise her need. 3e %resented her with a choice. 3e told her @#f you only *new hat a wonderful gift 5od has for you, and who # am, you would as* me for some li&ing water)@ -hen it was u% to her to ma*e the next mo&e, to as* 3im for that Ci&ing Water. 6esus could see what no one could see in this woman. Ci*e many of us, she *new a'out the !essiah, 'ut did not actually *now 3im %ersonally. 6esus went out of 3is way to meet her in such an a'stract situation and 3e told her the -ruth. As soon as her heart was o%ened she too* action. Eerse 9G reads, @-hen the woman left her water %ot 'eside the well and went 'ac* to the &illage and told e&eryone, @Come and meet a man who told me e&erything # e&er did) Can this 'e the !essiahF So the %eo%le came 43

streaming from the &illage to see him.@ 1ecause %eo%le heard, they acted. 1ecause they also met 6esus personally they could ma*e their own decision. -he interesting thing a'out the change %rocess is that change itself is not our goal. Change is what results as we %ursue a far more im%ortant and com%elling goal< *nowing, lo&ing and @o'ser&ing@ 6esus. #n wal*ing out of our 'ro*enness in the change %rocess, whether heterosexual or homosexual, we sometimes focus too intensely on our inner hang-u%s, our false o%inions or notions, %ast hurts and sinful tendencies. Coo*ing inward, we may feel as if were ga7ing into an e&er-dee%ening %ool of confusion and des%air. Release and healing comes from our turning from the denial, recognising and identifying our sin, %ain and shame. -hen loo*ing u% to 6esus and entering a dee%er fellowshi% with 3im. -he cry from our heart 'ecomes @5od # want to *now Aou. # want to lo&e and worshi% Aou. # want to 'e a man or woman who reflects Aour image. Cleanse me from e&erything that stands 'etween Aou and me.@ 5od delights in such a %rayer) As for me, # had to get to the 'ottom of my ro%e) -here was no %lace for me to go. !y long time lo&er left me. # was alone. 1eing middle aged with same sex attraction as my main identity was &ery daunting and scary. # remem'ered a time when # had wal*ed into a 'ar in 3ollywood where o&er-the-hill homosexuals hung out. -he shoc* of that memory was more than # could handle. -hey say that homosexuality is for the young 'ecause youthfulness is what is idolised and worshi%%ed. #f anyone has e&er gone to a %orn we' site they can tell you that one doesnt find too many older %eo%le there. 5ood loo*s, youthfulness and s%orty 'odies are the fashion. When # wal*ed into that 'ar # saw a'out se&en guys all o&er fifty sitting in different %laces throughout the %lace, alone, haggard, and s%ent. -hey were no longer an o'/ect of desire. -hey were right 'ac* in the 'lac* %ool of des%air and isolation. As that %icture 'ecame more and more &i&id # saw my desolation, degradation and extreme loneliness. #t was real and there was no one who could change my situation. # had to ma*e a choice. #ts all # had left. What # didnt realise was that 5od has gi&en us all that great %ower of choice. With that %ower we can 'uild or destroy, 'less or curse, gi&e life or *ill. # chose to agree with 5ods will for me. #t was a slow %rocess. Change is a co-o%erati&e &enture 'etween 5od and us through the %ower of the 3oly S%irit. 1y 3is grace we are in&ited to come, then he em%owers us to ma*e right choices that lead to freedom in our sexuality and in e&ery other area of our life. See*ing 3im we learn more a'out 3im as well as oursel&es. !any of us ha&e a distorted &iew of 5od, which ma*es it &ery difficult for us to trust 3im, let alone others - es%ecially in sensiti&e areas as sexuality and identity. We may not 'e a'le to se%arate our image of 5od from that of an a'use or disa%%ointing authority figure in our %ast. When this is true we can confess to 5od and as* him to heal us of this mis%erce%tion. 3e is faithful to 44

do this in ways that %ersonally s%ea* to us and reassure us. Why do some %eo%le ma*e it out of sexual or relational addictions and 'ro*enness while others do notF # saw the mo&ie -he 2assion of the Christ and it touched my soul. After ex%eriencing many who do not ma*e it out of their sexual 'ro*enness # 'egan to as* the $uestion a'o&e. 5od s%o*e to me &ery clearly when # watched the scene in 5ethsemane in which 2eter cut off the ear of the soldier. # watched as 6esus calmly 'ent down and %ic*ed u% the ear and %ut it 'ac* on the soldier s head. As # loo*ed at the soldiers face # 'elie&e the Cord said to me, @Wynn, the reason why some do not ma*e it is 'ecause they do not allow !e to touch their dee%est wound and ta*e the %ain. #f they did allow !e to touch those wounds they could ne&er 'e the same.@ -hin*ing a'out that and com%aring it to my own life # realise it must 'e true. "&ery time # allowed 6esus to come into my dee%est wounds and needs # was changed fore&er. The iss e o, .ontrol -he issue of control seems to 'e a common denominator. -he ones who ma*e it ha&e decided to follow Christ and do 3is will at any cost. Surrender is an act of faith. #t is a dee% commitment. -here are two choices that we must ta*e. 5i&ing 5od %ermission to wor* in our life as 3e %leases and ma*ing a decision to trust 3im in the middle of our life circumstances, 'elie&ing 3e is wor*ing through them for our ultimate good. When we can see that ha&ing Christ in our life is not going to wor*...rather...what 5od actually re$uires is for me to ha&e my life in Christ. Romans K<II states, @Ci*ewise you also, rec*on yoursel&es to 'e dead indeed to sin, 'ut ali&e to 5od in Christ 6esus our Cord.@ Author C. S. Cewis said, @0allen man is not sim%ly an im%erfect creature who needs im%ro&ement, he is a re'el who must lay down his arms.@ -hat means unconditional surrender) 5i&ing u% our control. Change wholeness re$uires dee% emotional healing and a re-structuring of our whole identity. 0or 5od to do a com%lete healing wor* 3e calls for our coo%eration) -o do this we need to learn to *now the Cord 'etter, intimately. #t is an issue of @trust@. 5od shows 3is s%otlight on s%ecific areas of our li&es some of which we ha&e *e%t hidden from e&eryone. When 5od calls us to dee%er commitment we struggle wanting to hold on to @something@. Some times we dont e&en *now what, 'ut it is an unseen 'arrier %re&enting us from total surrender. 2erha%s it is %ride. !ay'e fear. We could fear what 5od would call us to do, such as tell others a'out our 45

struggles. We flight and *ic*, firmly resisting 5ods challenge to commit at a dee%er le&el than e&er 'efore. Once we ma*e the decision it mar*s a ma/or turning %oint in our li&es. #t doesnt 'ring instant release or change? rather it o%ens us u% for 5od to 'egin wor*ing in a dee%er way. 3a&e you e&er gi&en 5od s%ecific %ermission to wor* in e&ery are of your life, including your sexualityF !ay # suggest that you write down any fears you ha&e a'out this decisionF Coo* at what you ha&e written. Seeing it in 'lac* and white can hel% us get a reality chec* on what is real and true. #n su'mitting our sexual and relational 'ro*enness we need to first surrender to Christ. We need to learn to o'ey 3im a ste% at a time in the %rocess of reco&ery. 0or some this ste% may mean o%ening u% for the first time to another indi&idual regarding their sexual 'ro*enness. !ost discount this as im%ossi'le 'ecause of their %osition in church, their %rominence in a small community, or their fear of losing a /o', a marriage, or a family. -hese are legitimate concerns 'ut we all need su%%ort and encouragement from others. -here is %ower in mutual confession. 6ames D<IK and I 6ohn I<L + # suggest reading the A!2C#0#" 1i'le &ersion, The se.ret sin )lw)ys g)ins more power the longer it is *e%t secret) A good exam%le is when an older %erson molests a child. Shame is the loc* on our door of secret sin. The se.ond thing we need to do is ac*nowledge Christs Cordshi% which means we need to trust in 3is timing for our reco&ery. #magine telling a doctor to fix me in six months or else when we ha&e cancer. We can not %ut time limits on the healing %rocess. "ach of us is different and 5od deals with us in a s%ecific and %ersonal way. #t is interesting that in almost e&ery case in which 6esus healed %eo%le in the 1i'le we ne&er hear what the %rocess of their integration 'ac* into society entailed. 2aul says in the Word that, @'y 3is stri%es we were healed@ And so the many who came to 6esus were healed. 1ut the %rocess of agreeing with that healing and the %rocess of change from years of identity confusion and lies ta*es time. !ost of the time we struggle with the time it ta*es. We are im%atient and dont want to face or feel the %ain of that change. !any leaders ha&e a difficult time with others %ain as well and thus o&er the years we ha&e come 'elie&e in instant healing in all matters. The third is yielding to Christ which means %erse&ering des%ite %ainful emotions or %owerful attractions. We can ex%erience intense rage, sorrow or /ealousy 'ut 'e %rogressing wonderfully in our healing %rocess. 5od waits till we ha&e de&elo%ed a solid le&el of @trust@ 'efore allowing such emotion to surface. There )re se-er)l )-en es o, .h)nge th)t ( wo ld li3e to s ggest: 46

The ,irst is %ractising 5ods %resence. -hat is, $uieting oursel&es 'efore 5od, resting in 3im, and en/oying 3is fellowshi% @1e still, and *now that # am 5od.@ 2salms JK<I:. S%ending time with 5od 3imself, sometimes not e&en getting to the list of re$uests we ha&e, 'ut still *now that 3e has heard our dee%est heart %etitions. We need to listen for the healing word. As we listen to 5od, s%ending time in 3is %resence, we disco&er our true identity in Christ. The se.ond is %raying for oursel&es. We need to 'e honest with 5od - 3e is not shoc*ed 'y confessions of in&ol&ement in mastur'ation, %ornogra%hy or other sexual sins. 4othing we do or say is a sur%rise to 3im. Confessing is the only way to forgi&eness. +I 6ohn I<M, We all need a clean start e&ery day, free from the weight of condemnation from our %ast. -he enemy has no ground or right to accuse us then) -he difference 'etween con&iction and condemnation is that with con&iction we feel 'ad, e&en guilty a'out our actions yet drawn to a 'etter way and redem%tion. With condemnation we feel accused and guilty with no chance of %ardon. -hat critical finger is %ointing right at you condemning rather than gi&ing ho%e. Someone suggested a %ractical way in which we can 'e encouraged. 2ut a large /ar near our 'ed, and as the Cord answers a %rayer dro% a coloured mar'le in it. Well see 5ods s%ecific interest in our life after a while) The third )-en e o, .h)nge is %raying for others. 2ray for those who are still struggling. -urn your concerns into %rayer re$uests) We tend to focus on oursel&es so much of the time that it is im%ossi'le to see anything else es%ecially freedom. #f we ta*e a decision to focus our %rayers on others around us who are struggling after a while we will find that our %ro'lems are 'eing ta*en care of 'y the 3oly S%irit. & ,o rth w)y is 'y %raising and worshi%%ing. 5od inha'its the %raises of 3is children. -hose who are most li*ely to lea&e sexual addiction, homosexuality or relational idolatry 'ehind are those who ha&e an excitement a'out 5od, an antici%ation of what 3e will do next in their li&es. -heir hearts are full of %raise. The ,i,th suggestion is studding the 1i'le. 2ersonalise the scri%tures to your own life and struggles. Although it is hel%ful to read and e&en memorise the 1i'le, the *ey is a%%lication. 1i'lical %rinci%les and insights must 'e wor*ed into the fa'ric of our life 'efore we will 'egin to see effecti&e change. The sixth )-en e o, .h)nge wor*s &ery well, /ournaling. Recording our thoughts in a /ournal is an excellent way of trac*ing our forward %rogress. #n a /ournal record your emotions and im%ressions of what 5od is doing in your life. -his is excellent for those who do not ha&e anyone yet to o%en u% to. 6ournaling offers a tremendous o%%ortunity to enter into intimacy with the Cord. 47

When de%ressing days come and thoughts of, @Whats the use, #&e failed again@, then its time to re-read %arts of our /ournal and see /ust how far we ha&e come? how much we ha&e grown and what are the changes) # ha&e found that there are three common inter-related characteristics of those who are successful coming out of a sexual or relational 'ro*en 'ac*ground. -he first is the extent of their se%aration from their worldly su%%ort networ*. -he second is the $uality of their in&ol&ement with a local church. Cast 'ut not least is their acti&e roll in accounta'ility with two or more leaders and strong healthy Christian friends. Unless your relationshi% with other Christians 'ecome and remain stronger than your relationshi%s with worldly friends, you will %ro'a'ly return to a sexually 'ro*en in&ol&ement. Addicti&e, com%ulsi&e, sexual or homosexual 'eha&iour is o&ercome 'y 5od s %ower, /ust li*e any other sin) 1ut one fact remains we must agree with 3is S%irit and will to see that %ower in full effect. #n !atthew IG<IM +4AS, 6esus states, @Again # say to you, that if two of you agree on earth a'out anything that they may as*, it shall 'e done for them 'y !y 0ather who is in hea&en.@ We need to agree with 3im and not the negati&e &oices that tell us we cant) 5od uses %eo%le in this %rocess, and 3e has esta'lished the local church as a %lace for healing and inter%ersonal su%%ort. #n 3e'rew I:<9D this %rinci%le is clearly stated< @Cet us not gi&e u% meeting together, as some are in the ha'it of doing, 'ut let us encourage one another.@ -he 1i'le encourages us to lin* oursel&es with other Christians. -his is es%ecially &ital for the man or woman coming out of homosexuality. -his conce%t %laces a huge res%onsi'ility on the Church and church leadershi% to %ro&ide a safe %lace for those who desire change. A %lace in which those who are wal*ing out their healing can recei&ed su%%ort and wise godly, 1i'lical instruction concerning their struggles. #t is im%ortant that they are not shamed into change anymore 'ut surrounded 'y those who will encourage them to continue to @fight the good fight of faith@. We would 'e sur%rised at the %ositi&e reaction we would get 'y o%ening u% to our %astor. Although it is true that some church leaders deal with their own 'ro*enness and react to others honesty in a rather hostile manner. # would li*e to say that all church leaders are safe 'ut that is not true. # trust the 3oly S%irit. 3e is faithful to guide us to those who we can trust with our most inner struggles, hurts and wounds. -he Word says, @-hey o&ercame him +satan, 'y the 1lood of the Cam' and 'y the word of their testimony@. Re&elation I9<II As for Church leadershi% # would li*e to draw your attention to these &erses in 48

which 6esus clearly states that we must all 'ecome li*e little children cleansed and innocent from sin, trusting and o'edient to 5od and within 3is Ningdom. !atthew IG<; +4#E, @And he said< # tell you the truth, unless you change and 'ecome li*e little children, you will ne&er enter the *ingdom of hea&en. @ When # first read this %assage # felt that 6esus was tal*ing only to a'users of children !atthew IG<D-L +4AS, D @And whoe&er recei&es one such child in !y name recei&es !e? K 'ut whoe&er causes one of these little ones who 'elie&e in !e to stum'le, it is 'etter for him that a hea&y millstone 'e hung around his nec*, and that he 'e drowned in the de%th of the sea. L @Woe to the world 'ecause of its stum'ling 'loc*s) 0or it is ine&ita'le that stum'ling 'loc*s come? 'ut woe to that man through whom the stum'ling 'loc* comes) # as*ed the Cord to show me the full truth of this %assage. #t too* time 'ut o&er the %ast ele&en years # ha&e come to understand that first, there are fi&e ty%es of a'uses< %hysical, sexual, mental, &er'al and s%iritual. Second if 6esus says we are all to 'ecome li*e children then any a'use to 3is children would fall under the authority of !atthew IG<D-L. -hose of us who ha&e come out of such a 'ac* ground find that those who really care for us as a 'rother or a sister in Christ say our %ast sexual 'ro*enness, what e&er it is, does not 'other them. -hey are will still 'e our friends. -his is only a start. 1ut as # said 'efore it ta*es the church and e&eryone in it to su%%ort the healing %rocess within each other. 0or we all ha&e something that 5od is healing in us. We all need su%%ort) 9 Corinthians I<;-J - Am%lified 1i'le &ersion ; @1lessed 'e the 5od and 0ather of our Cord 6esus Christ, the 0ather of mercies and 5od +Who is the source, of all comfort +hel% and encouragement,, J @who comforts +hel%s and encourages, us in all our tri'ulation +trou'le, calamity and affliction,, that we may 'e a'le to comfort +hel% and encourage, those who are in any trou'le, with the comfort +hel% and encouragement, with which we oursel&es are comforted +hel%ed and encouraged, 'y 5od.@ 0or those of us who ha&e struggles with secret sins and felt the sting of thoughts li*e, @# will ne&er o&ercome. #&e done e&erything # could and # still feel ho%eless@, may # suggest a Word from 5od for 3is %eo%le which includes each one of us todayF 49

6eremiah 9M<II-I; +4N6, II @0or # *now the thoughts that # thin* toward you, says the COR , thoughts of %eace and not of e&il, to gi&e you a future and a ho%e. I9 @-hen you will call u%on !e and go and %ray to !e, and # will listen to you. I; @And you will see* !e and find !e, when you search for !e with all your heart.@ -his message was sent in a letter from 6eremiah to the 6ews in 1a'ylon who had 'een ta*en ca%ti&e 'y 4e'uchadne77ar. Cife couldnt ha&e loo*ed worse to them - their nation had 'een defeated and %lundered. Undou'tedly many of their friends and lo&ed ones had 'een *illed or seriously hurt, and they were %risoners in a foreign land. #n the middle of these terri'le circumstances, howe&er, 5od gi&es a message of ho%e - he has great %lans for them, as indi&iduals and as a nation. 5od has the same message for us. Are you struggling with sexual or relational 'ro*ennessF Are you suffering with sorrow or lonelinessF Are you lim%ing through difficult timesF -a*e heart and ta*e ho%e? 5od has good %lans for your life) 5od did not forget his %eo%le, e&en though they were ca%ti&e in 1a'ylon. 3e %lanned to gi&e them a new 'eginning with a new %ur%ose - to turn them into a new %eo%le. #n times of dee% trou'le, it may a%%ear as though 5od has forgotten you. 1ut 5od may 'e %re%aring you, as he did the %eo%le of 6udah, for a new 'eginning with 3im at the centre. Some are afraid of 5od 'ecause of 3is awesome and unlimited %ower. Others mistrust 3im, sus%icious that 3e wants to harm them in some way. -here are leaders who struggle with many of these issues 'ut are afraid to confide in anyone. -hey thin* they might lose e&erything they ha&e wor*ed so hard to achie&e. 1ut we learn from Scri%ture that 5od lo&es us and wants only the &ery 'est for us. -hat wonderful truth is reiterated in this %assage< @ 5ods %lans are for good-%eace and %ros%erity@#f you are 5ods child, you ha&e nothing to fear. Ci*e a lo&ing father, 5od wants you to ha&e a glorious future, close to him. -rust in 5od and in 3is %lans for your life. 5od *nows the future. Our res%onse must 'e to trust, to li&e 'y faith, li*e a child holding her fathers hand as they wal* along the street at night. -he 0ather *nows the way, and the way is good, we sim%ly must trust and follow 3is lead. #ts easy to feel lost, small, and insignificant when we consider the 'illions of %eo%le on the earth. @Why would 5od e&er 'e interested in meF@ we may wonder. 1ut no matter what your status in the world, 5od is thin*ing a'out you, ma*ing %lans for your life. Aou are im%ortant to him. #sn t is great to *now that the Creator of this &ast uni&erse is interested in you and, what s more, wants to ha&e a relationshi% with you) 3ow does this ma*e you feelF Although 5od %romises to %ros%er 3is %eo%le, that doesnt mean 3e will 50

shower us with worldly %ros%erity or eliminate the suffering and hardshi%s. We li&e in a sinful world, so we must contend with the effects of sin and with sinful %eo%le +remem'er we were li*e that,. Suffering is %art of what it means to 'e human - e&entually e&ery %erson will die. 1ut 5ods %ros%erity goes 'eyond this life for those who *now him. So when you are struggling through a liferending situation, ta*e ho%e - this life is not all there is. -here is much more to this story. !any miracles ha&e ha%%ened 'ut the most im%ortant is that 5od is using my 'ro*en %ast to heal the future of others as # daily continue to wal* out my own healing. # ha&e not arri&ed 'ut # *now the Cross of 6esus is the only way of healing for those who struggle with any ty%e of 'ro*enness. 3is &ictory is our sal&ation and ho%e) 4otes< 0ran* Worthen 3el%ing 2eo%le Ste% Out of 3omosexuality Re&ised "dition IMMD? #S14 :-MJDKII-::-D - 2u'lished 'y 4ew 3o%e !inistries, 2.O. 1ox I:9JK, San Rafael, CA MJMI9 htt%<==www.restoringwholeness.org=articles=teen.htm How To Minister To & ")y #riend An increasing num'er of Christians ha&e within their circle of friends someone who is struggling with homosexuality. Usually, there is a conflict, desire to hel%, 'ut feelings of not *nowing what to do or say. Realise that the Cord has %laced you in this situation for a s%ecial reason? you do ha&e something to share. Aou do not ha&e to 'e a %rofessional counsellor or come from a homosexual 'ac*ground to 'e effecti&e. Aour life can ma*e a difference)) #t will 'e the $uality and de%th of your Christian wal*, not your studied words or %olished techni$ue that will win your friend. -he following thoughts should hel%.. AOUR 0R#"4 #S A W3OC" 2"RSO4, not /ust a homosexual. -here is more to him or her than his sexual sin. 3e or she has &alue as a %erson, since your friend was made in the image of 5od. Christ died for him or her and will continue to lo&e him or her no matter what. -his must also 'e your attitude. Any attem%t to hel% your friend without this unconditional lo&e will fail. "SA!#4" AOUR OW4 1"3AE#OUR A4 !O-#E"S. 1efore you attem%t to hel%, 'e certain that your relationshi% with Christ is firm. As* 3im to 'ring to mind, and to change, any areas of your own life that are inconsistent with 3is will. +"s%ecially in the area of your sexuality,. 0#4 OU- W3"-3"R OR 4O- AOUR 0R#"4 #S A C3R#S-#A4. #f he is not, your first %riority is to introduce your friend to the Cord. Stic* to the issue +not his homosexu-ality, 'ut his or her need of 5od. Remem'er that we are all sinful and ha&e come short of the 5lory of 5od. -he homosexual is not a s%ecial case. 3omosexuality is not the 'iggest sin. #n fact sin is sin in 5od s eyes. 51

-here is no difference) #f your friend is already a Christian and is still struggling with homosexuality, ASN OR 3OW 3"=S3" 0""S A1OU- 3#!=3"R S"C0 and his or her relationshi% to 5od. o not limit your con&ersations to homosexuality. Remem'er your friend is a total %erson not /ust a sexual 'eing. As you tal*. Nee% in mind that homosexuality, +li*e other sins, is /ust A4O-3"R "S2R"SS#O4 O0 U40UC0#CC" 4"" S and unresol&ed hurts. As these 'asic needs are filled and hurts resol&ed, homosexuality will gradually lose its %ower and a%%eal. "S-A1C#S3 -RUS-. 1e a true friend. -hat is your duty as a Christian. o not %lay %sychologist. 1e yourself. Res%ect your friends confidence as you ex%ect him or her to *ee% yours. COE" AOUR 0R#"4 "4OU53 -O 1" 3O4"S- W#-3 -3"!. o not 'rea* down on 5ods standard, that homosexuality is sin. 5od hates sin, 'ut lo&es the sinner. o not 'e afraid of such lo&ing confrontation. As you would with any friend, S3AR" -R#ACS -3A- AOU 3AE" "S2"R#"4C" #4 -3" 2AS- or are going through now. Con&ey ho%e. -ell how 5od hel%s you. R"AC#T" -3A- AOU W#CC 4O- 3AE" ACC -3" A4SW"RS. 1e willing to admit your limitations. #t is 5od who will 'ring a'out the changes, not you. Aou are the instrument, 5od is the source. #f your friend 'ecomes too de%endent on you, remind him or her of this fact. 1" 2A-#"4-. 5od is at wor*. o not /udge your friends %rogress, your own a'ility as a hel%er, or 5ods a'ility to change us according to our own ideas of how and when things should ha%%en. 5od is still in control. #f after all this, your friend re/ects 5ods hel% and yours, O 4O- 1CA!" AOURS"C0 OR 1"CO!" #SCOURA5" , and most of all, do not lose confidence in 5od. 1e a&aila'le to your friend, lo&e him or her, and *ee% them continually in your %rayers. #f we can 'e of further ser&ice to you as you see* to hel% your friend, feel free to write to us for hel% or call us. W" AR" -3"R" -O 3"C2)) Our details are < Restoring Wholeness !inistry 2 O 1ox 9LI:J Rhine Rd G:D: RSA -el=0ax < U9L 9I J;M JL9I "mail < info@RestoringWholeness.org htt%<==www.restoringwholeness.org=articles=howtominister.htm 52

4h)nge Anonymous +additions 'y WC-, -he interesting thing a'out the change %rocess is that change itself is not our goal. Change is what results as we %ursue a far more im%ortant and com%elling goal< *nowing, lo&ing and @'eholding@ 6esus. #n coming out of our 'ro*enness, whether heterosexual or homosexual, we sometimes focus too intensely on our inner hang-u%s, mis'eliefs, %ast hurts and sinful tendencies. Coo*ing inward, we may feel as if we.re ga7ing into an e&er-dee%ening %ool of confusion and des%air. Release and healing comes from loo*ing u% -- to 6esus -- and entering a dee%er fellowshi% with 3im. -he cry from our hearts 'ecomes, @5od # want to *now Aou. # want to lo&e and worshi% Aou. # want to 'e a man or woman who reflects Aour image. Cleanse me from e&erything that stands 'etween Aou and me.@ 5od delights in such a %rayer) Change is a co-o%erati&e &enture 'etween 5od and oursel&es through the %ower of the 3oly S%irit. 1y 3is grace we are in&ited to come, then 3e em%owers us to ma*e right choices which lead to freedom in our sexuality and in e&ery other area of our life. See*ing 3im we learn more a'out 3im as well as oursel&es. !any of us ha&e a distorted &iew of 5od which ma*es it &ery difficult for us to trust 3im...es%ecially in sensiti&e areas as sexuality and identity. We may not 'e a'le to se%arate our image of 5od from that of an a'usi&e or disa%%ointing authority figure in our %ast. When this is true we can confess to 5od and as* 3im to heal us of this mis%erce%tion. 3e is faithful to do this in ways that %ersonally s%ea* to us and reassure us. $ rrender )nd .h)nge // Why do some %eo%le ma*e it out of homosexuality or any other sexual or relational 'ro*enness while others don.tF -he issue of control seems to 'e a common denominator. -he ones who ma*e it ha&e decided to follow Christ and do his will at any cost. Surrender is an act of faith. #t is a ste% of dee% commitment. 4hoi.es... I. 5i&ing 5od %ermission to wor* in our life as 3e %leases and 9. !a*ing a decision to trust him in the midst of our life circumstances, 'elie&ing 3e is wor*ing through them for our ultimate good.

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When we can see that ha&ing Christ in our life is not going to wor*...rather... what 5od actually re$uires is for me to ha&e my life in Christ. Rom)ns C::: @Ci*ewise you also, rec*on yoursel&es to 'e dead indeed to sin, 'ut ali&e to 5od in Christ 6esus our Cord.@ Author C.S. Cewis said, @0allen man is not sim%ly an im%erfect creature who needs im%ro&ement< he is a re'el who must lay down his arms.@ Unconditional surrender) ...gi&ing u% our control. Coming out of homosexuality or any sexual 'ro*enness into wholeness re$uires< I. ee% emotional healing and 9. A re-structuring of our whole identity.

0or 5od to do a com%lete healing wor* 3e calls for our co-o%eration) -o do this we need to learn to *now the Cord 'etter. #t is an issue of @trust@ 5od shows 3is s%otlight on s%ecific areas of our li&es some of which we ha&e *e%t hidden from e&eryone. When 5od calls us to dee%er commit-ment we struggle wanting to hold on to @something@, some times we don.t e&en *now what, 'ut it is an unseen 'arrier %re&enting us from total surrender. 2erha%s it is %ride. !ay'e fear. We could fear what 5od would call us to do...such as tell others a'out our struggles. We fight and *ic*, firmly resisting 5od.s challenge...to commit at a dee%er le&el than e&er 'efore. Once we ma*e the decision it mar*s a ma/or turning %oint in our li&es. #t does not 'ring @instant@ release or change, rather it o%ens us u% for god to 'egin wor*ing in a dee%er way. 3a&e you e&er gi&en 5od s%ecific %er-mission to wor* in every area of your life, including your sexualityFFF Write down any fears you ha&e a'out this decision. $ bmitting o r sex )l )nd rel)tion)l bro3enness

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:. $ rrendering to 4hrist me)ns // 'e)rning to obey Him ) step )t ) time. #n the %rocess of reco&ery. 0or some this ste% may mean o%ening u% for the first time to another indi&idual regarding their sexual 'ro*enness. !ost discount this as im%ossi'le 'ecause of their %osition in church, their %rominence in a small community, or their fear of losing a /o', a marriage, a family. -hese are legitimate concerns...'ut we all need su%%ort and encouragement from others. -here is %ower in mutual confession. GGG 8)mes >::C )nd : 8ohn ::D +read the Am%lified 1i'le &ersion, -he secret sin always gains more %ower the longer it is *e%t a secret. +exam%le< older %erson molests child, Shame is the loc* on our door of secret sin. 5. &.3nowledging 4hristHs lordship me)ns // Tr sting in His timing ,or re.o-ery. #magine telling a doctor to fix me in six months or else when we ha&e cancer. We can not %ut time limits on the healing %rocess. "ach of us is different and 5od deals with us in a s%ecific and %ersonal way. 6. !ielding to 4hrist me)ns // 2erse&ering des%ite %ainful emotions or %owerful attractions. We can ex%erience intense rage, sorrow or /ealousy 'ut 'e %rogressing wonderfully in our healing %rocess. 5od waits until we ha&e de&elo%ed a solid le&el of @trust@ 'efore allowing such emotions to surface. &-en es o, .h)nge :. *r).tising "odHs presen.e. Buieting oursel&es 'efore 5od, resting in 3im, en/oying 3is fellowshi%. @1e still, and *now that # am 5od@ *s)lms <C::I S%ending time with 5od 3imself...sometimes not e&en getting to the list of re$uests we ha&e, 'ut still *nowing that 3e has heard our dee%est heart %etitions. We need to listen for .the healing word.. As we listen to 5od, s%ending time in 3is %resence, we disco&er our true identity in Christ. 5. *r)ying ,or o rsel-es. 1e honest with 5od...3e is not shoc*ed 'y confessions of in&ol&ement in 55

mastur'ation, %ornogra%hy or other sexual sins. 4othing we do or say is a sur%rise to 3im. Confessing is the only way to forgi&eness ?: 8ohn ::B@. We all need a clean start e&ery day, free from the weight of condemnation from our %ast. -he enemy has no ground or right to accuse us then))) -he difference 'etween con&iction and condemnation... V V V %ut a large /ar near your 'ed...and as the Cord answers a %rayer -- dro% a coloured mar'le in it. Aou.ll see 5od.s s%ecific interest in your life after a while. 6. *r)ying ,or others. 2ray for those who are still struggling. -urn your concerns into %rayer re$uests) <. *r)ising )nd worshipping. 5od inha'its the %raises of his children. -hose who are most li*ely to lea&e homosexuality 'ehind are those who ha&e an excitement a'out 5od, an antici%ation of what he will do next in their li&es. -heir hearts are full of %raise. >. $t dying the bible 2ersonalise the scri%tures to your own life and struggles. Although it is hel%ful to read and e&en memorise the 1i'le, the *ey is a%%lication. 1i'lical %rinci%les and insights must 'e wor*ed into the fa'ric of your life 'efore you will 'egin to see effecti&e change. C. 8o rn)ling Recording our thoughts in a /ournal is an excellent way of trac*ing our forward %rogress. #n a /ournal you record your emotions and im%ressions of what god is doing in your life. -his is excellent for those who do not ha&e anyone yet to o%en u% to. +e-mail counselling, /ournaling offers a tremendous o%%ortunity to enter into intimacy with the Cord. When de%ressing days come and thoughts of, @What.s the use, #.&e failed again,@ then it.s time to re-read %arts of your /ournal and see /ust how far you ha&e come? how much you ha&e grown? what are the changes. & 4hristi)n s pport networ3 -here are two common inter-related characteristics to those who are successful coming out of a sexually or relationally 'ro*en 'ac*ground< I. -he extent of their se%aration from their worldly +gay, su%%ort networ*, and

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9. -he $uality of their in&ol&ement with a local church. Unless your relationshi%s with other Christians 'ecome +and remain, stronger than your relationshi%s with worldly +gay, friends, you will %ro'a'ly return to sexually 'ro*en +homosexual, in&ol&ement. Addicti&e, com%ulsi&e, sexual or homosexual 'eha&iour are o&ercome 'y 5od.s %ower, /ust li*e any other sin) 5od uses %eo%le in this %rocess, and he has esta'lished the local church as a %lace for healing and inter%ersonal su%%ort. #n Hebrews :I:5> this %rinci%le is clearly stated< @Cet us not gi&e u% meeting together, as some are in the ha'it of doing, 'ut let us encourage one another.@ -he 1i'le encourages us to lin* oursel&es with other Christians. -his is es%ecially &ital for the man or woman coming out of homosexuality. 4h r.h in-ol-ement -hose who ha&e struggled with homosexuality, les'ianism, heterosexual addicti&e sexual and a'usi&e 'eha&iours....... -here are ,o r options ,or yo < I. Nee% silent and remain in your church. Aour sexual and a'usi&e struggles will %ro'a'ly not change...you could dro% out of church in discouragement. 9. Remain in your church and confide in a church leader. !any leaders are eager to hel% e&en with little ex%erience in dealing with these issues 'ut they are anxious to learn. ;. Remain in your church and find hel% outside the church. 0or the sa*e of family or many other reasons the 'est solution is to remain %art of a home church 'ut attend a wee*ly su%%ort grou% or see a %rofessional counsellor. J. Coo* for a new church home - this is a last o%tion. #t is significant at this stage to ha&e a healthy su%%ort system. We would 'e sur%rised at the %ositi&e reaction we would get 'y o%ening u% to our %astor. -he Word says, @-hey o&ercame him +Satan, 'y the 'lood of the Cam' and 'y the word of their testimony@. Re-. :5::: -hose of us who ha&e come out of such a 'ac*ground find that those who 57

really care for us as a 'rother or a sister in Christ say our %ast homosexuality or sexual 'ro*enness doesn.t 'other them. -hey are still willing to 'e our friends. -his is only a start...'ut it ta*es the church and e&eryone in it to su%%ort the healing %rocess within each other. 0or we all ha&e something that 5od is healing in us. We all need su%%ort. 2 Corinthians !"#$ 03mplified #ible version1 #lessed be the God and Father of our Lord 4esus Christ, the Father of mercies and God 0who is the 5ource1 of all comfort 0help and encouragement1, Who comforts 0helps and encourages1 us in all our tribulation 0trouble, calamity and affliction1, that we may be able to comfort 0help and encourage1 those who are in any trouble, with the comfort 0help and encouragement1 with which we ourselves are comforted 0helped and encouraged1 by God. htt%<==www.restoringwholeness.org=articles=change.htm & letter to ) ,riend reg)rding m)st rb)tion De)r ,riend0 Aou as*ed me, @What do # thin* of mastur'ation@...humm...'oy, that.s a hot to%ic throughout the Christian male world) 2ersonally, # don.t thin* it.s 5od.s 'est for us...for some it 'ecomes an .addicti&e 'eha&iour. and for some .com%ulsi&e.. When that ha%%ens it 'ecomes our .control de&ise.....hey, we COE" to 'e in control) -he reason 'eing is that at certain times in our life we .felt or %ercei&ed. that we had no control, %eo%le ran o&er our 'oundaries...we were %owerless. Control is a way to try and regain .%ower. for oursel&es. !any ha&e 'rought mastur'ation under su'/ection and only do it once or twice a month or less. -hey don.t thin* a'out anyone when they do it...at that %oint it can 'e sto%%ed all together... ne&ertheless, our 'odies continue to remind us a'out it) -he 'ody has it.s .%ro%er. functions and #0 left alone it will automatically secrete s%erm during the night...and without dreams) We use mastur'ation to .'less our own masculinity.. #f we are not 'lessed, affirmed and recei&e our rightful identity transfer from our fatherswhich come through touch, tal*, mentoring and an intimate transfer of soulish identitywe will 'ecome hungry, star&ed as it were for male identity and connection of who we really are. !astur'ation can 'ecome our .warm fu77y.. #t is %ri&ate and secreti&e and all our own. We run to it to ma*e us .feel good. a'out our masculinity...'ecause we say to oursel&es, .we need it.. We ha&e tons of excuses to con&ince oursel&es that it is ON, etc. -he 'ottom line +and hear is where it starts getting tough),...it.s not 5od.s 'est for us...and it is sin, es%ecially when we fantasise a'out someone while doing 58

it) Remem'er 6esus said, @...if you see a woman +or man, and thin* it in your head it.s li*e you.&e already committed the act...@ +%ara%hrased,. # ta*e it from that &erse that .if we connect our thoughts to someone while mastur'ating. well...it.s sin as well. We.re tal*ing %ornogra%hy as well here. Aou see what 5od showed me is that we are @raising idols u% and worshi%%ing at their tem%les@ each time we do this using %orn or e&en loo*ing into a mirror when mastur'ating...let alone mastur'ating W#-3 someone...we are worshi%%ing at the shrine of 1aal ) +-he god of 1aal in the Old -estament was the god to the %enis and re%roduction,. We 'ow down and worshi% a danglely %iece of flesh) Buestion< 3ow low can we goF ...until we come to the %lace that we are sic* and tired of 'eing sic* and tired...until we are ready to do A4A-3#45 for our healing...until we see what we .desire, cra&e and hunger after. is at the 'ottom line, @...worshi%%ing the creature rather than the Creator...@ +Romans I, then we will ne&er 'e a'le to %lace our feet s$uarely on the road to healing. All excuses, all lies, all mas*s, all games.....!US- S-O2) We ha&e the choice to do that. 4O de&il can %re&ent us from ma*ing that choice) #t is a matter of who will we .agree with.F 5od or satan. # understand your .needs. and your .dri&enness. to satisfy those needs. 1ut if you %lan to continue with 5od...you must sto% acting out com%letely...e&erything) Aou !US- clean house... e&erything) -here is no half way my friend. And, here it goes, all excuses that you are alone and can.t hel% yourself ha&e to go) -o 'e honest...that excuse does not con&ince me at all...# was in 1isho%, California...a cow'oy town, no gays, no hel%...and 5od wal*ed me out of this thing almost all 'y myself...well, and 3im too) # had one %erson who ga&e me a'out 9: minutes on the %hone +he was ;:: miles away so couldn.t /ust get in the car and go,. # came to the end of my ro%e...that.s all there is to it. # *now # am 'eing a 'it forthright now...'ut, hey...# ha&e nothing to loose...you do. #.&e found my wal*-of-healing...ha&e youF 6esus ne&er ran after anyone. -hey came to 3im. -hey as*ed 3im what they must do...and 3e told them. 4ow, they either did what 3e said OR they didn.t...it was their choice. What choices are you going to ma*eF # *now this last %art is really hard...and # want to say /ust one more thing from my heart...# 'elie&e that you ha&e 'een and continue to do your 'est) Aou.&e come a long way my friend...#.m %roud of you))) Really, # A! %roud of you))) -he reason # wrote what # did is to hel% you get a .reality chec*. at this %oint in time...you can %ass this info on if you wish...that.s u% to you. -o you it means one thing to others it might mean something a 'it different...the 'ottom line is the facts...those ne&er change, heyF)) # *now you ha&e grown comforta'le in meeting your own needs 'ecause you ne&er felt as if your dad or may'e e&en your mom did when you were growing u%. Cetting go of that control after ha&ing it for so long is not easy, # agree1U- it is 4O- im%ossi'le) How to stop M)st rb)tion 59

o you ha&e a dairyF #f so...e&ery time you mastur'ate...then right after, # mean immediately.confess your sin and re'ellion against 5od., es%ecially #0 you thought of someone... then in&ite 5od into that %art of your thoughts, mind, and memory to clean, wash and 'athe them...and as* 3im to fill u% those %laces with images of 3im. After that...go to your dairy and ma*e a S or whate&er code you want...'eside it write two to three words, li*e lonely, stressed, angry...etc., whate&er you were feeling...get itF o this "E"RA time. After a month loo* 'ac* at your dairy and chec* out exactly what it was that was triggering you...when you *now then you can 'e @s%ecific@ when you as* 5od into those %laces. Aou will also ha&e no excuse when those red flags %o% u%) Aou should also notice that the times will 'ecome less and less. on.t focus on mastur'ation... the more you thin* a'out it or how horri'le it is the more you will do it) #t gains %ower the more you do not tal* a'out it and address it. #t /ust wor*s that way. After a while you need to get to the %oint in which you in&ite 6esus into your needs and emotions .as you are ex%eriencing them) #t is im%ortant to immediately in&ite the Cord into those dee% %laces of your life and need when it is ha%%eningthose hungers, cra&ings and uncontrolla'le desires the ones that dri&e you. Another %ractical action you can ta*e is to 'egin to %ray for someone who you *now who is not a Christian, or someone who is and struggles with the same thing. -he enemy will %ush your 'uttons and when 3e does get angry at him) #f you say to yourself # am going to %ray hard for someone else e&ery time the enemy reminds me of someone or lust starts to show itselflet me tell youafter a while the enemy will 'ac* off. 3e is determined and we must 'e !OR" determined) Remem'er, we are in a 'attlethere is no easy way out) !a*e %eace with the that fact and tell the enemy of your soul, @e&ery time you %ush my 'uttons # will %ray that much harder for my friend +etc.,)@ AOU N4OW the de&il hates it when we %ray with con&iction and 'elie&e) Always remem'er our 0ather 5od is not a hard tas*master) Remem'er 3is 'urden is light) 3e wants to meet our needs unconditionally) 3e continues to %ursue each of us with 3is ama7ing, awesome lo&e) #n 3is grace, Wynn

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