Dear Natalie, In Lesson 8, you were asked to revise your Lesson 5 descriptive essay, with a special emphasis on the

use of figurative language. As I read your essay, I looked for an appropriate amount of detail devoted to each section telescoping!, an appropriate use of metaphor and simile, alliteration, and general improvement over original draft. And, as usual with revisions, I wanted to see a technically near"perfect essay as a sign of your close attention. #omparing your two versions of this essay I can see that you$ve cut out a lot of the language that I marked as distracting or old"fashioned. I think %ecause of that the essay is now a much smoother read. I can also see places where you$ve successfully added figurative language into the te&t' (It was like magic in front of our eyes() (*he motionless pots and pans suddenly awaken() (like children +umping in puddles on a rainy day() (my mother comes floating into the kitchen.( *his last one is an interesting metaphor for the smoothness of your mother$s motions and her almost supernatural powers in the kitchen. *he ma+or difficulties I find in this essay are the ,uestions of time and of the relative importance of details this is related to the idea of (telescoping( in Lesson 8!. -or the first three paragraphs and the %eginning of the fourth, the essay takes place in the general past tense.a state of %eing, not a specific event. #ertain phrases tell us this' (Day after day,( (/any times, I would hurry,( (-rom time to time.( 0ut then, in the fourth paragraph, you suddenly switch to a very specific moment in the past, a specific visit to the kitchen. *here$s no transition, and there$s also no clear reason why we are learning a%out this particular visit to the kitchen. Did something unusual happen1 2ou$ve %een giving us a general sense a%out your mom and her kitchen using the general past tense) what advantages does the specific past tense give you1 3hy change, if the information that follows is very similar to what precedes it1 3hy does this particular visit to the kitchen merit its own particular narration1 2ou may know the answer to this, %ut it isn$t yet clear from the essay.! *hat said, you have many sentences rich in assonance and consonance. 4ere are a few that I like' (*he smells of pork meat%alls and cashew chicken with #hinese celery were in a neatly woven path to my nose.(

(3ere( is very weak ver% here.I$d try to replace it with something more active.%ut the mi& of $k,$ $ch,$ $sh,$ and $c$ sounds is lovely' (cashew chicken with #hinese celery5.( (*he moonlight shines across the still o%+ects, and the soft sound of water dripping from the faucet echoes through the kitchen.(

*his is +ust a %eautiful sentence, Natalie, and I can$t even pinpoint precisely why. 6ossi%ly the $s$ and $sh$ sounds help underscore the softness of what we hear' (5shines across the still o%+ects, and the soft sound of water dripping from the faucet echoes5.( I think the essay still needs work.it would %enefit from applying the (so what( ,uestions of Lesson 7 to each section, to make sure everything was still important and needed %e in this final draft. 0ut I also think it$s a real improvement over the previous draft and shows a promising use of figurative and melodic language. 8esse 99 99 99

*he kitchen. A place of delicious tastes and smells, uni,ue sights and the %anging of pots and pans. A place of chatter and sociali:ing. A place much different from the other parts of my house. Day after day, my mother stood %efore the stove and cooked. ;#ooking,< she said, ;Is my duty and my ho%%y.< =he came home with many %ags of groceries, filled to the %rim with ingredients. /y sister and I sat %y her and watched her cook. 4er skillful hands gra%%ed whatever she needed and put it into her wok. =he fried or stirred nim%ly. And she deftly produced multiple dishes. It was like magic in front of our eyes. *he kitchen>s sounds were ,uite fascinating, too. /y mother hummed as she cooked, a soft melody. I hardly heard her delicate voice amidst the %u%%ling of the stew. /any times, I would hurry to the kitchen and strain my ears to catch her humming. 6erhaps singing is one of her surreptitious ho%%ies [why present tense?]. -rom time to time, when the sun>s heat was un%eara%le, my mother changed into a light green sun dress, which made her look heavenly. *here was a small %lue apron tied in a hard knot around my mother>s waist, to catch cooking stains. 4er hair was in a firm %un on her head, to keep the air circulating around her neck. I made my way into the cool, shady oasis of the kitchen, escaping from the vast desert of the outdoors. /y mother welcomed me %y %ringing out a ,uart of orange +uice from the fridge. I was ready to defeat my thirst. =he poured it in two glasses and handed one to me. I gu::led the li,uid down swiftly, e&tinguishing my dehydration. *he tangy orange taste filled my mouth with such pleasure. I could feel the drops of sweetness lodged on my tongue. /y thirst was ,uenched, and I was satisfied. [did your mother drink the other glass?] As she cooked, the fragrance arose from the pots and pans. *he smells of pork meat%alls and cashew chicken with #hinese celery were in a neatly woven path to my nose. *he aromas added such a delecta%le component to the kitchen. I inhaled deeply, trying to sei:e as much of the scent as I could to arouse my taste %uds from their deep slum%er. As

I stood there longer, I detected a whiff of %aked fish. /y nose guided me to the filet. /y mother called to me, ;4ow>s the salmon1< I peered at the golden"%rown colored food and replied, ;It looks scrumptious.< After that, I walked away from the oven and %egin arranging the place sets for the four mem%ers of my family on the dining ta%le. 3hen I laid out the utensils, I noticed a visitor who wandered in our kitchen through the %ack door. /y mother spotted the careless mos,uito and eyed it, like a cat waiting to pounce on a mouse. *he mos,uito stayed stationary on the wall, my mother %anged her hand onto it. *he mos,uito died with its legs %ent gawkily. I watched it fall down onto the counter, knowing that it would never sting again. [is this episode still important to the essay? what does it tell us about your mother or the kitchen?] After a few minutes, my mother disa%led the fire and put on her oven mitt. =he %rought the salmon out of the oven and placed it gently on the counter to add finishing touches. =he removed the dishes from the stove and placed them on our dining ta%le. =he raised her hands to cup her mouth and she called, ;Dinnertime?< /y sister appeared and ran to the ta%le, while my father came home. 3hen we were all settled in our chairs, the room %urst into conversation. *he kitchen is a %eautiful place for my family to en+oy. [now we're back in the present tense?] At night, the kitchen is silent, and the pots and pans hang lifeless on the wall. *he moonlight shines across the still o%+ects, and the soft sound of water dripping from the faucet echoes through the kitchen. During the day, the kitchen comes alive with attractions. *he motionless pots and pans suddenly awaken and the %anging starts all over again. *he water faucet turns on and off, on and off, making splish"splash sounds like children +umping in puddles on a rainy day. *hen, my mother comes floating into the kitchen and she %egins cooking.