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Arch Bishop Interview PART 1 JAMIE: Thank you for taking time to chat. MASKED BASTARD: Yeah, whatever. What do you want? JAMIE: Tell me about the Church you run. MB: Its a brothel, bar, a night club and a sanctuary of sanctification all rolled into one. JAMIE: Do you and your Congregation worship God? MB: No. We do whatever the fuck we want. JAMIE: We meaning you and your Bishops? MB: Yes. JAMIE: Arent there nuns in your Church too? MB: They are not nuns. They are Lady Bishops. They have the same authority and privileges as the men. The sexes are equal, until its time to make me a sammich. JAMIE: What do the Bishops do in the Church of Fatherless Time? MB: We fuck each other. JAMIE: Excuse me? MB: Well, I fuck. And often. JAMIE: Most religions condemn sexual sin. MB: Most religious people love to fuck. JAMIE: Why do you choose to make fun of religion? MB: Religion is bullshit. You know it. I know it. Lets stop the charade and have a Holy Ghost Orgy. Because thats what theyre doing behind closed doors anyway. JAMIE: Are you speaking of the recent sex scandals in religious organizations? MB: Recent my masked ass. That shits been going on for centuries. Who the fuck is truly and wholly good? Nobody. JAMIE: Come on, Mask. There are real holy people out there. MB: The real and true holy people are put to death, thrown in jail, kicked out of their homes, stripped of everything they worked hard for and called sinners before gangs of diabolical people who dont even merit being spit on.

JAMIE: Do you think the religious right is corrupt? MB: I know that people are corrupt. Not religions, but the people in them. The world isnt fucked up. Its the people in the world. Look at me. I wear a metal mask. I know Im fucked up! JAMIE: May I ask what is behind your mask? MB: I cant tell you. I have to show you. JAMIE: Then, can you show me? MB: No. JAMIE: Why not? MB: One of three things will happen: youll swoon and Ill have to have sex with you, youll be blind for about a year or your fucking head will exploded. JAMIE: Is that what happened to Lady Sadie? MB: What? JAMIE: Did she swoon? MB: Oh yes, she did. I shined my face lamp on her and she melted like butter on a pancake griddle. No forced entry. Just easy access. JAMIE: Just to clear up any rumors: how long did you have sex with Sadie? MB: Five hours. JAMIE: Oh God! Why five hours? MB: Because, thats what she wanted! Duh! JAMIE: Was it a ritual? MB: More like a rites of passage. How many secret societies do you know that have a party with cake and ice cream to bring in the new inductees? How many fraternities and sororities that you know that dont haze the interest (i.e. the pledges). JAMIE: But why for so long? MB: I fucked Sadie for five hours because she loves to have sexual intercourse. She could have pushed me off at anytime. Dont let her sweet, innocent demeanor fool you. JAMIE: Dont let her fool you? Why do you say that? MB: Shes this all-American local girl from a small Ohio town, a blonde honor student looking for her purpose in life and she becomes the mother of the Internet Saviour. JAMIE: But why Sadie? Why not Marge? MB: Sadie is a hot little piece of ass. Besides, how many blondes do you know that are honor students? Not many.

JAMIE: Isnt her role a classic Queen of Heaven archetype? MB: You can say that. People do worship her: girls out of jealously, guys out of lust. Sadies got it going on. Now, dont get me wrong; Rwandas hot too. JAMIE: Sounds like Sadies got another side to her personality. MB: Sadies a freak under that sexy habit. Shes got dildos and butt plugs, shit you never thought a girl like her would have. JAMIE: Why is Sadies domain called The Powder Room? MB: When Sadie first got here, she just ate junk food. Well, she still does, but not as much. She kept complaining about abdominal pain. JAMIE: Acid Reflux, maybe? MB: We thought she was just home sick or some shit, you knowlooking for attention, but we realized she wasnt faking it when she doubled over and collapsed on the Sanctuary floor in agonizing pain one Sunday. So Linz Mondello and I took her to this professional butthole doctor JAMIE: You mean a gastroenterologist? MB: Whatever. Anyway, we found out that Sadies got this condition called IBS. JAMIE: Whats IBS? MB: Irritable Bowel Syndrome. JAMIE: Is it contagious? MB: No. Its internal. She used to get really painful intestinal spasms. Then we looked at what she was eating. She was like a garbage disposal. JAMIE: Good Lord. MB: This five foot tall, 120 pound girl was costing the Church over $600 a month to feed! She ate like a fucking standardbred horse! She was a regular toilet clogger. JAMIE: Thats remarkable for such a small girl. MB: We had to cut costs on food so that money could be used for more important things like an air hockey table in the church lounge or a hot tub for Chez Mondello. JAMIE: Air hockey is more important than feeding a Lady Bishop? MB: Shut the fuck up. Dont tell us what to do with the Churchs money. So anyway, Lady Marge put Sadie on a special meal plan of apples, carrots, trail mix, whole wheat bread and spring water. JAMIE: Did it help her? MB: Yes. Sadies a high fiber kind of girl. Since shes had the baby, her metabolism has slowed down a little, but she still eats a lot. She goes to the bathroom once or twice a day now so shes pretty regular.

JAMIE: Okay. Moving on. How is Sadie adjusting to motherhood? MB: Shes tired most of the time, so I stay up with my son. JAMIE: You stay up all night? MB: Yes. JAMIE: When do you sleep? MB: I dont sleep. JAMIE: Does your son sleep? MB: Of course he does, you dumb bitch. Hes a baby. JAMIE: Dont you ever get tired? MB: Yes. I lay down for about an hour, thats all. JAMIE: You mentioned that Sadie is an honor student. MB: Yes. She has a B.A. in Religious Studies. JAMIE: So shes a college graduate? MB: No, bitch. She got her degree out of a fucking toy grabber machine. JAMIE: What do you hold a degree in? MB: I have several degrees: theology, creative writing, kamasutra, anonymity, Female Anal Studies JAMIE: Female What?! MB: Leave it alone. JAMIE: Who else has a degree? MB: We all have degrees. Marge has a degree in Sports Nutrition. Linzy has a degree in Art. Mouse has a degree in casino management. Indy has a degree in Linguistics. Ghoul has a degree in parapsychology. Magda has a degree in Communications. JAMIE: What about the others? MB: Misty Bee has a degree in outdoor education. Mac has duel degrees in criminal justice and law. Crazy has multiple degrees in Economics, Mathematics, Science, Engineering, Computers, and Business. Julio, a degree in Debauchery and Chris has a degree in business management. JAMIE: It seems everybody in your Church educated. MB: To be honest, Lady Rwanda is the smartest Bishop we have; she has degrees in Psychology, Sociology, Anthropology and History. Shes also a licensed case worker, masseuse, therapist and professional mistress.

JAMIE: Impressive. How has fatherhood been to you? MB: Its been cool. Baruch is a curious post-embryonic life form. JAMIE: You talk about him like hes a specimen. MB: In actuality, hes merely a highly evolved, spiritually advanced, contiguous extraterrestrial, anthropomorphic hybrid infant biped. Much like his dad. JAMIE: A what?! MB: Hes a fucking awesome kid. JAMIE: With all thats going on with the Church, what do you do to give back? MB: Give back what? JAMIE: What I mean is what do you plan to do to help the community? MB: Nothing.

TO BE CONTINUED

Arch Bishop Interview PART 2 JAMIE: You said in our last interview that you dont want to help your community. MASKED BASTARD: No, bitch. What I meant was Im not getting involved in some bullshit scam disguised as a service to the community. JAMIE: So youll just ignore the community? MB: I didnt say that either. I dont want those assholes trying to burn down my Church after they get ripped off by some Prosperity-preaching fucktard. JAMIE: Dont you think thats selfish? MB: Nope. Its the truth. It may not be pleasant to the ears, but its rational and its real. Religious peoplemuch like non-religious peopleare greedy, selfish and horny. Theyll fuck anything that moves and fuck anybody who trusts them. Its a business. JAMIE: Religions pay no taxes, because they are faith-based. MB: Religions are myth-based. Monetary gain is usually the primary motive. JAMIE: What about people who attend church to find peace? MB: Fuck that. True peace comes from within. JAMIE: So their years of devotion mean nothing? MB: You can sit in church for years and pretend to be a motherfucking cruise liner when youre really wrecked and sunk. Lets be real; church is the last place youd go to find financial solace. JAMIE: But some churches do offer financial assistance. MB: Maybe you can go down to the local mission for some soup and bread, but if you want the church to pay your rent, you may have to give your pubescent daughter to Reverend Stink Finger in return. JAMIE: Mask, thats sick. MB: But, its true. I didnt say it would be pleasant, only the truth. JAMIE: So what is the mission of your Church? MB: To build a Congregation of Cognition. To grow a nation of thinkers. Religion teaches you to let some guy in the pulpit do the thinking for you. The Mystian-Denizenic faith teaches you to snap out of that and study to show that ass approved.

JAMIE: Do you believe in God? MB: Yes, I do. JAMIE: Dont you think God would be upset with what youre pushing here? MB: I like to think that God is an everlasting sorter. Only he can determine what is true and whats man-made bullshit. JAMIE: But dont religious people do the works of God every day? MB: I can dig decent people doing Gods work. But, what I dont believe in is giving money to some closet pedophile on TV or believing some old Masonic nutcase on the radio who keeps fucking up the exact date of the end of the world. JAMIE: Kind of harsh, dont you think? MB: I am a created being created by another created being. You wanna know God? Know your fucking place. Know youre fucked up because the people before you were fucked up. It starts with you and it continues with what you teach your children. JAMIE: So what are your views on morality? MB: Stop doing whatever the fuck you want because it seems right and start treating yourself and others with respect. You can talk about how good you are all you want. You teach with your actions. JAMIE: Speaking of teaching, what do you pass on to your son, Baruch? MB: All of my power and my knowledge is what I leave for him. Not finite things like money and material bullshit that wont do him any good in the real world. Hes a very bright kid who is very aware of whats going on around him. JAMIE: Wont people think Baruch is a freak for wearing a metal mask? MB: Baruch knows who his father is. He knows his mother. He has parents who care about him. Yeah, I get called a freak, but at least I take care of my son. I may not be a husband, but Im not Sadies daddy baby. Im a father. JAMIE: Arent you worried about paying child support? MB: Child Support is as fucked up as Planned Parenting. Its designed to destroy the family unit, not help it. I handle my responsibilities. There will be no Child Support payments for the Masked your Bastard JAMIE: Sometimes the courts go after fathers anyway. MB: I know the local judge, Abe Blumberg. We go way back. Im in my childs life. He is my future and I love him with all of my heart. I would die for my son. I will protect my son. Thats what a father does. And even if things dont work out with Sadie, I still love her too, but my son comes first. Whatever he needs, hes going to get it. JAMIE: Being a parent is not an easy job. MB: Yes, I know that. Theres no PDF file on how to raise kids. But, you can start writing your own by analyzing your children, making sure that their behavior is decent,

not just giving them toys and ignoring them so that you can go out and party with your friends. Kids remember that shit. If you dont do right by them now, why should they listen to you when you want to start being a parent again? JAMIE: Children need a lot of attention. Some parents just dont have time. MB: I understand that. Im not saying be a slave to your kids. Just take a little time out to read to them or play a game with them. When they get bored with you, theyll go on and do something else. But, you as the parent have to initiate it. JAMIE: Tell us some of your parenting techniques with Baruch. MB: They are not techniques. I like to think of them as rites. They are celestial rites of our native people. As you know, Baruch and I are not entirely human. JAMIE: Yes, Im aware of that. Tell me more. MB: I cant say too much. You may not understand it. JAMIE: Then tell me more about Baruchs life cycle. MB: He grows 4 times faster than regular kids. By the time his first birthday rolls around, he'll look like he's about five years old. JAMIE: So what will happen to him when he gets older? MB: Well, I wouldn't say older. The race of cosmic aliens he and I descended from doesnt grow old like human beings. JAMIE: If its not measured in Earth years, how do we determine his age? MB: Once he reaches maturity, he stops growing and starts "ascending" the ladder of the Kal-Paniym, meaning "illuminated-visage" or The Tribe of Lumi-Vis. JAMIE: How does this relate to Baruchs growth? MB: Once Baruch reaches the 25th degree on the ladder, he will receive his "light-face." JAMIE: He seems to have a normal face behind his mask. MB: Right now his human face is photosensitive. JAMIE: Lets just say Im babysitting Baruch and I need to wash his face while I give him a bath MB: You can bathe him. Just dont go near his face. JAMIE: What happens if I remove his mask? MB: Exposing Baruch's face at this stage in his life will either blind you or blow up everybody and everything in a two block radius. JAMIE: So his face is like a photo negative that needs to develop in a dark room? MB: Thats a very weak description, but close enough.

JAMIE: With that type of power inside of him, hes dangerous. MB: Thats why Im considering a Montessori education for him. JAMIE: Whats that? MB: Montessori schools are for kids with extraordinary talents. If Baruch is sent to public school, he will just be placed in a Special Education class to be forgotten about. JAMIE: Why do you feel this way? MB: My son deserves better. Just because he learns differently than other kids, doesnt mean the school system can kick him to the curb. JAMIE: What does his mother have to say about this? MB: Sadies all for public school; she went to public school so she thinks thats whats right for Baruch. I keep telling her that theres going to be problems if she sends him there. But she wont listen. JAMIE: Public schools are not so bad. All schools have problems. MB: Im not worried about my sons safety. Im concerned about the other students and the teachers there. If some kid decides to bully my son, the result may be disastrous for the entire school district. Baruch has Sadies passion, but he has my temper. JAMIE: Come on, Arch Bishop. Sadie has a right to send her son to a good public school and not a private school with outrageous tuition costs. MB: Sadie is Baruchs mother and the mother is, in essence, the childs first teacher. But Sadies still a child in many ways, so shes not going to consider every possibility before she acts. JAMIE: But as a mother, she can still have a say in it. MB: I dont know everything, but Ive been living longer than her and I know my son. Sadie only has to be a parent twelve hours a day. And if sending Baruch to public school means having the child gone all day, shes down with it. Im not. JAMIE: I can see now that you and Sadie are going to bump heads on this topic. MB: She can bump her head all she wants. I wear a metal mask, so it wouldnt be wise to do that. JAMIE: One last question and were done. MB: Good. Its almost time for me and Baruch to play Lego Star Wars! JAMIE: Talk to me about what you remember before you got here. MB: I was told by the alien collective Anonymous that I gave up my super powers to be more human. This attempt failed when I was captured by Def and his Whores. JAMIE: And by super powers, that means you can fly? MB: Yes.

JAMIE: So are you like Superman? MB: More like Hancock, minus the alcoholism. JAMIE: What else did Anonymous tell you? MB: According to them, I am fatherless. They say I do have a mother out there, but theyre not sure if shes living or dead. JAMIE: If you were created, how can you be fatherless? MB: I was made in a secret lab. A human female either volunteered or was kidnapped and used in an experiment to create a hybrid alien/human. JAMIE: So your creation was accidental? MB: It seems I am the result of a cosmic experiment that went awry. The author of the experiment broke several interstellar laws to create me and he was banished from his home realm for this. JAMIE: Amazing. And now you have created Baruch, your only begotten son. MB: No, bitch. Baruch wasnt spliced together in a laboratory. He has a real mother and a real father who love him. JAMIE: So Baruch is not the Saviour of mankind? MB: My son isnt going to die for anybody. His only purpose is the save the Internet. JAMIE: Isnt saving mankind worth the sacrifice? MB: Listen, somebody more important than me already scarified His son for the sins of mankind, past, present and future and look at how they treated Him! JAMIE: Then why is your child called the Saviour if not to save mankind? MB: Why should I send my kid out there to die in a spiritual war when the people hes trying to save dont love him or themselves? I say let the Big Guy upstairs handle that. JAMIE: So I ask again: why save the World Wide Web? MB: Because, the Internet is power. It gives power to the People where information was kept from them before. No one small group of people should have everything. Thats not a nation. Thats an oligarchy. JAMIE: I still dont see your point. MB: People are waking up. And if it takes showing people that religion is a fucking joke, then so be it. Maybe then theyll start seeing through the othe r deceptions that keep humans distracted like sports, politics, reality TV, crappy movies, the War on Terror and that global warming bullshit. JAMIE: The Internet is part of a machine that has no feelings or emotions. MB: No. I think youre talking about mankind there. Weve all been taught that machines will become our enemy in the future. Thats not entirely true. In the future, machines will be used to deceive every continent on a global scale.

JAMIE: Explain. MB: The greatest deceptive tool man can use to keep people in bondage is an image. Not a statue, not a book of laws, but an image. JAMIE: Why an image? Why not a person? MB: Look around you. All we see are images that influence our thoughts and behavior. Thats what Im preparing people for. If people use the Internet to gather information, they wont be easily fooled by these deceptive images. JAMIE: What does this mean for mankind? MB: There will come a time when people wont be able to tell the difference between what is an image and what is real. JAMIE: What if people dont take heed to this message? MB: Then they will have no one but themselves to blame, because I sent my son to save the information that they need, but they rejected him and tried to kill him. JAMIE: So Baruch wont die? MB: No. Hell be okay. I, however, won't be so lucky. JAMIE: Im not sure I understand. MB: According to the Book of Bastard, Sadie will be the one responsible for my death. JAMIE: The mother of your child will be the one to slay you? MB: Im afraid so. My Bastard Blood will be on her hands. JAMIE: Its been great. Thank you for letting me into your weird little world! MB: Go fuck yourself, bitch.