Love Systems Insider

Date: January 2008

The Don on Statements of Interest

The Don is a top instructor and thought leader within the dating coaching
community. He authored the Love Systems Routines Manual Volume 1 and Volume
2, has taught (and continues to teach) numerous bootcamps as a lead instructor,
and is a frequent expert contributor to the Interview Series.
Today, we are fortunate to have an article from him on Statements of Interest, in
The Don’s typical teaching style: straightforward, full of examples, and equally
useful whether you are just starting out or a budding master. Over to The Don...

A lot of students are confused about the reasoning behind the Qualification process.
(If you don’t know what Qualification is, check out the Triad Model overview and the
free chapters of Magic Bullets). Some who blindly attempt to follow the model end
up creating awkward moments by haphazardly throwing out qualification questions
at the wrong moment without understanding the purpose behind them.

The main reason we qualify a woman is very simple -- so that we can tell her we
like her.

The objective is not to interrogate her or put her on the spot. It’s not about the
question really - it’s about the statement of interest we give her afterwards.

Admittedly, an added benefit of using a qualification question is that we create the

impression that we have standards and are screening her, but that is just the icing.
We should always be creating the sense that we are challenging and have
standards throughout the interaction, not just in qualification. In terms of the main
objective of qualification and moving things forward productively, it is the act of
telling her that we like her that is the actual cake.

For those who are new to this, qualification is the result and culmination of
attracting a woman to you. It is a moment when, after having noticed multiple
indications that a woman is interested in you, you can then ask a challenging
question to her such as: “What are three reasons I would want to get to know you
better?”

If she is interested in you, she will likely make an effort to answer the question and
impress you. This is when you can give her a Statement of Interest (an “SOI”) based
on the quality of her answer.
Qualification succeeds when a woman makes a strong effort to answer the question
thoughtfully. It fails when she makes a weak effort or refuses to answer at all.

A key point to note here, for novices and experienced guys alike, is that
qualification comes after the woman has shown that she is interested in
you/attracted to you. For guys who are having trouble getting qualification to work,
the problem may not actually be in the Qualification phase, but rather in the
Attraction phase. Qualification doesn’t work if she isn’t attracted to you. If your
attraction game isn’t working, qualification not will work. But fixing that problem
would be another article. In the meantime,
to check that you’ve got Attraction down, I recommend the following:

• Chapter 7 on Attraction in Magic Bullets

• The Love Systems Triad Model
• Future and Tenmagnet’s interview on Value
• The dozens and dozens of Attraction routines in the Love Systems Routines
Manual

Assuming you are running good attraction game, are seeing women give you signs
that she is interested in you, and getting good responses to your qualification
questions, it is now important to focus on delivering great statements of interest.
The best statement of interest is a real statement of interest – simply telling her
what it is that you really like about her. And that doesn’t mean her rack... so,
equally important, make an effort to figure out what qualities she wants to be
recognized for. Most beautiful women would much rather be known by their lovers
for being smart, funny or kind than for being “hot.” When your SOIs are based on
non-physical attributes that show you like her as an individual, not just as another
hot girl, she will take you more seriously as someone who isn’t just out to get laid. If
she’s attractive, she’s used to men gawking at her just for her looks. Be the man
who notices her inner beauty and makes her feel unique.

Example SOIs:

“You know what? I’m actually really impressed by you. You’re making me
belly laugh and that’s not easy to do. I’m a comedy snob. You’re a keeper.
We’re getting married and your job is to tell me jokes all day... Well, tell me
jokes all day and support me while I pursue my mime career.”

“I think that’s awesome that you chose to do that with your life. Of all the
things you could have chosen to do you chose to help people. That says
something good about you. There needs to be more kindness in the world... I
like you. If I had a gold star sticker I’d give you one right now.”

Notice that you can reduce any awkwardness on the delivery of an SOI with a joke
or tease at the end. This effectively lightens the mood and reduces any tension it
may cause. Throwing something at the end of the SOI like, “... too bad you’re such
a dork,” or “...despite your very mediocre first impression,” are good examples of
this. Use your imagination.

To the legions of novices who are obsessed with teasing (“negging” is very old
technology and should be avoided) and other forms of rapport breaking, this may
be a paradigm shift of sorts. After Qualification and throughout Comfort, which is
the vast majority of the Emotional Progression Model process, we are going to focus
on rapport building and positive reinforcement. This will be mixed with a smattering
of rapport breaking and the occasional “take away” to create scarcity, but the focus
is on the “pull” part of “push/pull.” The objective of seduction is to create a
connection. Not to play games. We only need to “game” as long as it takes to make
a connection.

Telling her we like her is the first powerful step that helps shut the “gaming” down.
I can’t tell you how many skilled students I see ruin perfectly good approaches by
over-gaming. They stay in the Attraction phase too long, over-disqualify, never
switch gears and become a real person to her and end up missing the window of
opportunity to escalate things to the next level – to the real level. If you tell her you
like her at the right time and elicit her to do the same, you avoid unnecessary work
and accelerate things powerfully and clearly into the Comfort phase, which is where
you really want to be. Lingering unnecessarily in Attraction forever is for amateurs.
If she is interested in you, pull the trigger and let her know that you’ve decided you
like her.

This also helps in the long run by preventing the “Let’s Just Be Friends” scenario
from developing. You’ve ostensibly thrown down the gauntlet. The nature of the
interaction is no longer ambiguous. You aren’t talking for the sake of pleasant
conversation. You are a man, she is a woman and you are interested in her in an
intimate way. A real man goes after the things he wants and isn’t afraid to voice his
desire - especially when she has non-verbally demonstrated her desire first. This
isn’t coming out of the blue. You are simply steering things in the right direction
with purpose and confidence.

A new and equally valid way to deliver our statement of interest is to skip the
qualification question altogether and just give an SOI directly. This should generally
be done in cases where the attraction on her part is clear to you and the vibe is
very “on.” At that point, stop being gamey and say something like, “You know
what, you’re a really interesting person. I don’t generally meet many smart,
interesting girls at places like this. I’m actually really glad we met.” That’s the
waypoint we are trying to get to.

However, using the qualification question is the safest way to approach the SOI
because we can gauge where her attraction level is more certainly. If there is an
insufficient amount of effort in her answer due to a lack of attraction, we spare our
selves the indignity of overextending with an SOI too early. It’s a matter of style,
really. Some of us like to take risks and go out on a limb. Others are more reserved.
But regardless, just remember that in qualification it is the statement of interest
that trumps everything else.

I hope this helps people better utilize the qualification/statement of interest phase
in their game. For more advanced guys I recommend experimenting with
eliminating the qualification question altogether and working only with statements
of interest for a while. See how hugely effective it can be at speeding up escalation.
For beginners, continue to hone your attraction game to insure that your indicators
of interest are real and polish your qualification phase with strong and genuine
statements of interest.

And remember, the whole point of this art is to draw the women in, not push them
away. Think of qualification as a pivotal moment in that direction.

Best,

The Don

To learn more about The Don, check out his bio or find his many upcoming events
on the Love Systems Training Schedule.