Appraisal Assignment

Name: Stephen Halim

ID: 213385865
Title: Australian Art in the Making: Year Ten.
Author: Russel l Drysdale
Publisher/ Agent:
Editor:
Task: This appraisal written as a instructive text for
publishing team
Due Date: 12 May 2014

Background
- Text to be taken from:
https://d2l.deakin.edu.au/d2l/common/viewFile.d2lfile/Database/MzAzNTI3Mw/Appraisal%
20assignment%20ms1.docx?ou=208296
- Each paragraph are marked with number and colour to help the referencing

The Story
The text is an introduction to a chapter on the paintings of Russel Drysdale for a Year 10 Australian
Art History textbook.
Editing Issues
1. The text need to provide a picture of Russell Drysdale at the start of the text, this would be a
benefit for the reader in order to get detailed information about Russell Drysdale.
2. There is a typing error at paragraph 3 line 3 (marked yellow); the second later acting should
be deleted.
3. Paragraph 4 line 3, there should be a comma after his doctor and the word himself is
inappropriate with the sentences, the correct sentence is His doctor, Julian Smith, an amateur
photographer.
4. The text has some paragraph quoted directly from Russell Drysdale without any description
of what he said (paragraph 5, 8, 11, 14, 24), as a suggestion ,in order to avoid reader
confusion, a written description of the paragraph would help the reader to understand or each
paragraph could add words like As Drysdale said: [TAG A]
5. Regarding Daryl Lindsay, as a noted artist and also director of National Gallery of Victoria,
there could be a small or short written article about her around paragraph 4, the article could
written in different font, size, style, or colour. This article intended to help the reader
understand the text.
6. Some paragraph that quoted directly from Russell Drysdale should have put the source of
where was the quote taken; this could be done by inserting footnote at the end of sentence and
the source at the end of the page. [TAG A]
7. Between paragraph 5 and paragraph 6, there should be a picture of George Bell, because he is
one of the most important person in Russell Drysdales career as an artist, this would help the
reader to get detailed illustration about Russell Drysdales life.
8. Regarding George Bell as an artist who was became the most important man to Russell
Drysdales career (Paragraph 6), opened a school (paragraph 6) and also the president of
Contemporary Art Society (Paragraph 22) there should be a small article which describe short
story of George Bell, as the text is intended for year 10 student, this article would be benefit
for them, this article should be written in different font, colour and heading but should be put
around the Paragraph 6.
9. There is a confusing sentence in paragraph 10 line 1 (marked red). in November the same
year this sentence refer to paragraph 6 which wrote Russell Drysdale attended Shore-Bell
School, however, at the paragraph 9 line 2 (marked red) there is sentence about an exhibition
in 1960 (marked red), this could confuse the reader, as the paragraph 10 said same year
some reader could related this sentence to 1960, which is wrong. As a suggestion, the word
same year should be replaced by exact year which is 1932.
10. Some sentences should have pictures of Russell Drysdales work in his career since he
periodically changed his style and theme of painting from time to time, this could help the
reader to illustrates the change of Russell Drysdales style, such as:
o Paragraph 15, if its possible, it would help the reader to illustrate the story if there
are pictures, references, or footnote to explain Russell Drysdales works of his debut
in the Group Twelve Exhibition.
o Paragraph 23 line 4, the pictures of The rabbiter and his family and Monday
Morning could be put after the paragraph.
o Paragraph 27, which telling that Drysdale influenced by painting of Peter Purves
Smith, there should be a picture of Drysdale painting during this period.
o Paragraph 29 also should have a picture of Drysdales painting The Deserted Town
Hall and The Station Yard; those were the painting when he was influenced by the
war at 1942.
o Paragraph 33, where Drysdale said to produce his most important paintings of late
1940s such as Sofala, The Cricketers, Picture of Donald Friend, and Woman in a
Landscape. Pictures about those paintings mentioned in this paragraph.
11. Paragraph 17 which quoted from Basil Burdec should put some reference or footnote of
which edition it was taken from. [TAG B]
12. Paragraph 18 which also quoted from Basil Burdec should have a footnote or references about
where was it taken from. [TAG B]
13. Paragraph 19 line 1 (marked blue) there is an error which is Drysdalealso should be
changed into Drysdales also as the sentence is about the Drysdale family travelled to
Europe.
14. Paragraph 22, there should be short written article about Contemporary Art Society, the
article should tell this organizations purpose, identity, leader, and members. The article
should written in different font and colour than the text, the purpose of this is to giving the
reader brief information about Contemporary Art Society to help them understand the text.
15. Paragraph 23 line 2 (mark yellow) this sentence since it was quoted should put footnote or
references of the source the sentence taken.
16. Paragraph 26 line 8, (marked blue) as the reader are year 10 art student, there should be a
small article that explain about realist, expressionist, and surrealist. This article should
provide example of each sources. As for the reader this article would help them understand
about Drysdale artwork written in paragraph 26.
17. Paragraph 27 where there is a comparison between Drysdale and Yves Tanguy, some pictures
of Drysdales surrealistic paintings and Yves Tanguy painting should be put, this would help
the reader to understand the paragraph.
18. Paragraph 32 line 6 there is typing error; the apostrophes (marked yellow) are not same. The
sentence should be fixed into correct double apostrophes.
19. Paragraph 32, as a suggestion, an explanation or picture of Bruegels Triumph of death could
provide useful information to the reader as Drysdale compared to Bruegel in this paragraph.
20. There should be some sub-headings to divide the text, this could help the reader to read this
text, as a suggestion the sub-heading should be:
a. The first sub-heading should be put before the paragraph 2, as the sub-heading clearly
illustrate of what the reader about to read about Russell Drysdale early life from
paragraph 2 to paragraph 4.
b. The second sub-heading should be put after paragraph 4, as George Bell is one of the
important men in Russell Drysdales career as an artist which it is important for the
sub-headings to illustrate about Russell Drysdale connection with George Bell, these
sub-headings is meant for paragraph 5 to paragraph 11.
c. The third sub-heading should be about Russell Drysdales early career and should be
put before the paragraph 12. This sub-heading would help the reader read this text.
The sub-heading should be about the early career of Russell Drysdale that written
from paragraph 12 to paragraph 21.
d. The fourth sub-heading should be about paragraph 22 to paragraph 25 that telling
problem in Russell Drysdales life which is about the art politics in Melbourne, his
dissatisfaction with his own painting, and his rejection from military services.
e. The fifth sub-heading should be about Russell Drysdale change of his painting style
which can be read from paragraph 26 to the paragraph 34. This sub-heading intended
to show that the paragraph is telling about his style of painting from time to time, his
inspirations and theme in his painting.
f. The sixth sub-heading should be put at the last paragraph; the subheading must be
about Russel Drysdale received award for his paintings.
21. The words The End. (Marked yellow) at the end seems inappropriate with the text as this
text is based on the facts about the life of Russell Drysdale. The fact that Russel Drysdale
lived from 1950 to 1981 while this text ended at 1949, the words The End suggest the
story of Russell Drysdale ended at 1949 and could lead into reader confusion, as a
suggestion, the words The End. Should be removed.