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Sexuality and the Mormon Marriage
January 31, 2011 by Natasha Helfer Parker
AS A MARRIAGE AND FAMILY therapist and a member of the LDS Church, I have been interested in how
Latter-day Saints approach intimacy. In February of 2009 I began a blog, The Mormon Therapist, designed to
provide LDS members with an anonymous venue to share personal struggles. I have been inundated with
questions and stories about the delicate and sacred topic of human sexuality, and troubled by the many pleas for
help. The following is a sampling of comments Ive received from readers.
Statements made by women:
We have an OK sex life. I am rarely in the mood and have to talk myself into it. I have no idea why . . . I am
just not interested most of the time. I act like I am so he doesnt feel bad.
Growing up in the Church, youre always taught to extinguish sexual thoughts. In marriage, that doesnt seem
very conducive to enhancing sexual intimacy.
Statements made by men:
After our last child was conceived nine years ago, my wife announced she wouldnt have any physical
relationship with me anymore. And she has enforced it: no sex, no kissing, and virtually no touching.
My unfortunate experience, both with my parents growing up and now with my own family after being married
for eighteen years, is that sexuality isnt something that is discussed. As a result, it has become a tremendous
obstacle and frustration instead of bringing us closer as is intended. A close, connected, intimate relationship is
seeming more and more like a distant, impossible dream. For now, I consider myself celibate.
I share these excerpts to begin an open and frank discussion regarding female sexuality that is too rare in LDS
culture. Statistics showing sexual dissatisfaction within marriage range anywhere from thirty to sixty-five percent.
[1] My hope is that by better understanding our religious history and current cultural context we can move
toward increased intimacy in our relationships.
Female sexuality has been shaped by controversial traditions, myths, cultural mores, and male dominance since
20/6/2014 Sexuality and the Mormon Marriage | Segullah: Writings by Latter-day Saint Women Sexuality and the Mormon Marriage | a monthly literary journal, now o
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the beginning of documented time. Throughout history, religious culture has often contributed to the separation
between sexuality and the ideals of purity and righteousness. Even our beloved stories regarding our most pivotal
women, Eve and Mary, carry with them negative cultural baggage that does little to integrate the role of mother
and lover. Yet the role of lover is central in its purpose of beginning any family, and therefore central to the plan
of happiness. Sex is so clearly tied with beginning a family and everything that is sacred in a spousal relationship,
there should be no surprise that it has been a prioritized target by all forces not aligned with Gods.
Many religions see the taking of the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden as either literally or symbolically having
to do with sex. The fruit is forbidden by God, offered up by Satan, and Eve is the one who succumbs. Not
only does she partake, she tricks Adam to succumb as well. Even though the LDS viewpoint of this scriptural
account differs dramatically from most Christian perspectives, we do not escape the storys cultural ramifications.
Because of Eves misunderstood actions, woman has historically been classified and treated as seductress,
temptress, and underminer of man.[2] Natural female sensuality has been rendered suspect and women are left
feeling naughty or sinful when it comes to their sexual instincts. For many women this inherited, culturaland at
times unconsciousshame can be a huge psychological obstacle to overcome.
On the opposite end of the spectrum we have Mary, whose story is one of reverence and sacred doctrine.
However, becoming a virgin mother is an impossible feat for the rest of womankind. Motherhood and virginity
are inherently non-concurrent. Women will never be able toand are not meant tomeasure up to this ideal.
The purpose of the emphasis on Marys virginity was to underscore the fact that Christ was the literal Son of
God. It was not meant to define her sexuality or to somehow imply that not being a virgin mother is sinful. We
know Mary went on to have several other children with Joseph, and likely had a loving and appropriate sexual
relationship with her husband.
In the last century Western culture has begun to overcome negative sexual perceptions, prototypes, and myths.
Additionally, the pendulum has at times swung too much in the other direction where sex and sexuality have lost
their sacredness. This only furthers confusion and misperception about the purpose and enjoyment of sexual,
intimate relationships.
In addition to the setbacks mentioned above, those raised with LDS or similar religious values spend the first part
of their lives avoiding sexuality while trying to stay morally clean until marriage. Those who do not stay morally
clean face processes of repentance. While repentance is intended as a deep healing process, the fact that a
teenagers parents, leaders, and role models often feel uncomfortable about sexuality can unfortunately increase
feelings of unhealthy sexual shame.
Rigid and inaccurate portrayals of sexuality passed on by even well-meaning parents or leaders can be
detrimental. Growing up with the idea that sex or our sexual anatomy is bad or dirty can have devastating effects
for people when they try to get in touch with their passionate and sensual selves once married. Laura Brotherson
states the following in her book And They Were Not Ashamed: The Good Girl Syndrome is a result of the
negative conditioning that occurs from parents, church, and society as they teachor fail to teachthe
goodness of sexuality and its divine purposes. This conditioning leads to negative thoughts and feelings about sex
and the body, resulting in an inhibited sexual response within marriage. . . . The Good Girl Syndrome may be the
great underlying and underestimated cause of sexual dissatisfaction in marriage.[3] Due to cultural, religious, and
family influences we all come to a marriage with a sexual historywhether weve had sex or not.
Sexual apathy is a problem that plagues many marriages. It can be a difficult issue to address, mainly because the
nature of the problem is the problem: lack of desire. There can be underlying issues that account for apathy and
20/6/2014 Sexuality and the Mormon Marriage | Segullah: Writings by Latter-day Saint Women Sexuality and the Mormon Marriage | a monthly literary journal, now o
http://journal.segullah.org/feature-articles/sexuality-and-the-mormon-marriage/ 4/11
indifference, and it is important to know that these issues can often be resolved. When couples disagree over the
frequency of sex or the type of sexual encounter that is acceptable, it is paramount that they be willing to begin an
open, nonjudgmental, and honest discussion together. It is usually not the case that there is no specific reason for
a lack of interest in sexual intimacy. We are all born with a sexual self that is inherent to who we are as children
of God. Unfortunately, many things can happen to this sexual self along lifes journey that take it off its intended
course. Sexual apathy is usually a symptom of deepermany times hidden or even unconsciousissues. For
example:
1.A history of sexual abuse or trauma often has negative implications for a persons sexuality. Many people who
have been sexually abused are caught in a trap of shame and secrecy well into their adult years, if not their entire
lives. Just because your spouse tells you they have not been sexually abused does not mean they
havent. Disclosing this past trauma can be an incredibly difficult, anxiety-producing, and painful process that
many would understandably rather avoid. If you are dealing with unresolved issues related to sexual abuse, it is
important to get help. Options might include professional counselors or Church leaders who can offer support
and assistance. This is not a battle you should or need to face alone.
2.Hormonal changes can have powerful effects on sexuality. This is especially the case during times of
childbearing, nursing, menstruation, and menopause. Men go through hormonal changes as well. As men age
testosterone levels decrease, which can affect sex drive and erectile function. Also, any time we feel inadequate
in our sexuality, it can bring about strong feelings of anxiety, which then further exacerbates sexual functioning.
Educating ourselves regarding normal bodily functions and how they relate to sexuality is an important process
for all couples.
3.Relationship issues that carry over into the bedroom discourage sexual intimacy. Sexuality is not only a physical
phenomenon, it is also very much tied to the psyche. If a woman feels angry, hurt, or disappointed, it can be
extremely difficult to turn off those emotions when it comes time to be physically intimate. These issues, if left
unaddressed, can turn lethal for many marriages.
4.Issues surrounding self-image and cultural expectations can also affect sexuality. The idea that our bodies need
to look a certain way in order for us to feel sexy or attractive can be extremely damaging to a womans self-
esteem. It can be difficult to allow yourself to be touched and loved physically when you deprecate the body you
have, or even worse, when your spouse criticizes it as well.
This is by no means an all-extensive listit is meant to address some very real issues that many people are
facing. Sexuality is so personally centered that any slight problem can immediately be blown out of proportion,
which then inadvertently affects the next sexual encounter. A negative cycle often ensues that leaves people
apathetic, hopeless, shamed, angry, or hurt.
The good news is that the most pivotal resource we have to clarify, rethink, and unbias our sexual perceptions is
the gospel of Jesus Christ. Its teachings support women, marriage, and sex within the bonds of marriage, and
oneness with ones spouse. A man (shall) leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and
they shall be one flesh. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.[4] With this
simple yet direct scriptural teaching we are forced to marry the thoughts of conjoined naked flesh with that of
doctrinal guidance.
Correct gospel teachings can be a great starting place for many who are struggling with their sexuality. One of the
most important truths of the restored gospel is the understanding that Heavenly Father is a physical being. This
belief sets us apart from most other religions. Even before Joseph Smiths vision, we were taught in Genesis that
we are created in Gods image. We have the added clarification and understanding that there exists a Heavenly
20/6/2014 Sexuality and the Mormon Marriage | Segullah: Writings by Latter-day Saint Women Sexuality and the Mormon Marriage | a monthly literary journal, now o
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Motherthe feminine part of Deity that is also biblically addressed when we are taught, So God created man in
his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.[5] As women who have
been correctly taught that our bodies are temples of divine heritage, we need to remember that these temples
have been created for a righteous purpose, complete with organs and hormones that help facilitate the act of sex.
The same goes for the sacred male sexual parts. When we understand that our heavenly parents are physical
beings with the same anatomical parts we have, we are better equipped to embrace our own physical bodies.
We learn through scripture that from the beginning of human existence, Heavenly Father has used symbolism and
ritual to help us understand deeper concepts and doctrine. Temple ceremonies, baptisms, sacramental
ordinances, etc., are ceremonial and physical manifestations meant to represent spiritual concepts. As a religious
ceremony, marriage is the ritual that has us commit to each other emotionally and spiritually. Sex follows, in
essence, as a private ritual that has us commit to each other physically. It is the tangible symbol that literally
brings two people together.
Since sexuality plays such an important role in married life, it is important that women learn to recognize and
respond to their own sexual needs, as well as the needs of their husbands. For those needing some direction on
how to embrace their sensuality and improve sexual expressions of love within marriage, here are some
suggestions:
1.Start with self-esteem work. It is important to love yourself enough that you can allow someone else to love
you and touch you. Our current culture, obsessed with the perfect look, body, and breast size, does not help us
feel good about ourselves. However, we do not need to buy into this climate of self-hatred. Our LDS beliefs
regarding our self worth and divine nature should serve as a resource. Self-help books such as Self Esteem,[6]
by Matthew McKay, PhD, and Patrick Fanning, can be useful as well.
2.Do not underestimate the consequences of rigidly labeling your sexuality. If you define yourself as the one who
has the lower sex drive, this will more than likely become a self-fulfilling prophecy. If unpleasant or frustrating
sexual experiences have left you disillusioned or feeling that better sex is not worth working for, challenge these
notions as well. Understand that a couples sexual journey is a processone that should improve with time,
patience, and increased communication.
3.Educate yourself regarding your body. Many women often do not know the names of all their sexual organs,
much less what everything is supposed to do or be used for. Learn the male anatomy as well. Be aware of the
biological mechanics of the sexual process.
4.Encourage and follow up on any romantic or sexual feelings inclined toward your husband. Do not wait for or
expect him to always be the initiator. Think positively about your spouse (the physical, emotional, and personality
traits) rather than focusing on negatives. Take time to be romantic: date nights, sending flowers, cooking a special
meal, love notes, anything that shows you are willing to give of yourself.
5.Creativity, open communication, and feeling safe enough to be honest are all crucial to increased intimacy.
6.If there are relational issues standing in the way (trust problems, anger, resentment, bitterness, contention) it
may be time to seek professional help and begin marital therapy. Couples do not need to be in the throes of
divorce for therapy to be useful. In fact, therapy is usually more beneficial when couples are hoping to improve
their relationships instead of looking to get out.
7.Rule out medical issues that may compromise your sex drive by consulting with your doctor.
Sex is good. It is of God. It is a wonderful, sacred, bonding, and procreative power; a gift that in essence allows
a taste of divinity! Dorothy Allison says, Women lose their lives not knowing they can do something different. . .
. I claimed myself and remade my life. Only when I knew I belonged to myself completely did I become capable
20/6/2014 Sexuality and the Mormon Marriage | Segullah: Writings by Latter-day Saint Women Sexuality and the Mormon Marriage | a monthly literary journal, now o
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of giving myself to another, of finding joy in desire, pleasure in our love, power in this body no one else owns.7
May we go forward and stake claim in this miraculous embodiment we call the female selfthen be willing to
wholeheartedly join with the other half we call husband.
Natasha Helfer Parker, MS, LCMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist who has been in
practice for thirteen years. She received her bachelors degree in psychology from BYU and her masters
degree in family therapy from Friends University in Wichita, Kansas. She began her career working in a
drug addiction treatment center in Detroit, then contracted with the Chicago chapter of LDS Family
Services while living in the Milwaukee area. She has been in private practice for the last seven years. She
is a clinical member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy and a member of the
American Association of Sexual Educators, Counselors and Therapists. She started her blog, The
Mormon Therapist, in February of 2009 as a way to reach out to LDS members in an advice column
format. Her blog visitors are representative of all fifty states and eighty countries. She has been married
for fourteen years and has four children.
Notes
[1] Hartman, Greg, Sexual Dissatisfaction in Marriage,
http://www.troubledwith.com/LoveandSex/A000000361.cfm?
topic=love%20and%20sex%3A%20sexual%20dissatisfaction%20in%20marriage, 2004.
[2] Pamela Norris, Eve: A Biography (New York University Press, 2001).
[3] Laura M. Brotherson, And They Were Not Ashamed: Strengthening Marriage through Sexual
Fulfillment (Inspire Book, 2004).
[4]Genesis 2:24-25
[5] Genesis 1:27
[6]Matthew McKay, PhD & Patrick Fanning, Self Esteem: A Proven Program of Cognitive Techniques for
Assessing, Improving, and Maintaining Your Self-Esteem (New Harbinger Publications, 2000).
Category Feature Articles, Fifth Anniversary Issue 2010 | Tags: LDS intimacy, marriage, sex within marriage
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Index of all Authors 2005-present
Leah Anderson
Laurie Andrews
Catherine Arveseth
Lani R. Axman
Tara Badstubner
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Arlene Ball
Laura Lefgren Banks
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Kristen Carson
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Noelle Carter
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Krista Clement
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Laura Hilton Craner
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Penny Fritzler
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Leslie Graff
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Ellen Kartchner Gregory
Rose E. Hadden
Heather Halcrow
Angela Hallstrom
Emily Halverson
Felicia Hanosek
Kate Hansen
Lisa R. Harris
Tessa Hauglid
Mary Hedengren
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Heather Herrick
Kristen Hogan
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Victoria Holt
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Emily Inouye
Jerie Sandholtz Jacobs
Denise Jamsa
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Sara Elizabeth Jensen
Melanie Jex
Natalie Johansen
Jennifer Hoi Yin Johnson
Holly M. Jones
Karen Kelsay
Courtney Kendrick
Linda Hoffman Kimball
Lila King
Veronica Kingston
Heidi Wessman Kneale
Lisa Ralph Leake
Michelle Lehnardt
Rachel Lewis
Rynell Lewis
Michelle Linford
Ailene Long
Jessica Lorimer
Sue Marchant
Ella Martineau
Neylan McBaine
Karen McKnight Findlay
Melissa McQuarrie
Candace Melville
Patricia Merkley
Erica Merrell
Emily Milner
Shelah Mastny Miner
Michele H. Mirabile
Melinda Morley
Katherine Morris
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Lori Nawyn
Julie Nelson
Marilyn Nelson Nielsen
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Melody Newey
Rebecca Lee Jensen Ogden
Sherilyn Olsen
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Emily Orton
Rosalyn Ostler
Natasha Helfer Parker
Katherine Parker Richmond
Kimberly Parry
Dayna Patterson
Catherine Matthews Pavia
Martha Petersen
Carol Petranek
Jean Pierce
Joni R. Neal
Janessa Margaret Ransom
Julie Ransom
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Merrijane Rice
Caroline Tung Richmond
Leslie Lords Robbins
Kessia Robinson
Dalene R. Rowley
Julie Rowse
Patricia Rushton
Tessa Meyer Santiago
Courtney Miller Santo
Angela W. Schultz
Cheri Schulzke
Jennifer Seegmiller
Lee Ann Setzer
Laura Sheffield Dutson
Elona Knighton Shelley
Emma Shumway
Allyson Smith
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Jennifer Smith
Johanna Buchert Smith
Julie M. Smith
Nancy Soper
Kerry Spencer
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Michaela Stephens
Ashley Stolworthy
Heather Sullivan
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Emily Summerhays
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Brecken Chinn Swartz
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Sandra Tayler
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Brandy Tingey
Nicole Trone
Kylie Turley
Wendy Ulrich, PhD
Lisa Valantine
Evelyn Van Galbraith
Christine Anne Vick
Elaine Rumsey Wagner
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Lani B. Whitney
Cecilia Wilbur
Valerie Nielson Williams
Bill Willson
Elizabeth Wolfe
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