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A Few Thoughts on Being a Parent

Lets face it friends. Being a parent and having the responsibility of raising kids is no
easy job.
Just think for a moment: First there are the babies. They wail, shout and cry and
unquestionably let you know when they are unhappy little campers. And its the parents
job to figure out what ails the little tyke. What in blue blazes does this wailing, raging
infant for whom I am responsible for its health, safety, and well being want?? Do you
want to be fed? Or changed? Or held? Or put down? Sleep? Burp????? Dont you wish
that they could tell you what is wrong?
Well! Wait until they are two or three years old and they do start telling you what is
wrong and what they want. And three year olds know what they want and how to get it!!!
The word NO! from the mouth of a determined three-year-old has stopped many a
grown adult in his/her tracks.
A few years later when things start settling down a bit for the parent, the child trots off to
school, and after a day or two of traumatic separation, the situation changes. The
school age child seems to be more concerned about what their schoolmates think and
do than they are influenced by the wishes and concerns of their old parents.
And by the time they get to the teens they are flying off at the speed of light doing their
own things and thinking their own thoughtsand woe to the adult person/parent who
gets in the way and tries to stop the raging torrents of hormones and independently
minded teenage wills.
Raising kids is no easy job. But Ive learned a lot about being a parent in the last thirty-
seven years. I did get some help from college professors, counselors, caseworkers, and
consultants and by reading how-to books (I must admit that Dr. Spock was a great
help in the early days).
My real teachers, however, were my three sons. Yes, my children taught me most of
what I know about being a parent. I only wish that I would have known the lessons they
were trying to teach me when they (and I) were younger. So, in the next page or so, I
will share with you some of the important lessons I learned from my teacher/sons.
Lesson One: Punishment is Very Popular With Parents, But It Doesn't Work in the
Long Run
How many of us have grounded the youth for six weeks until he gets his grades up?
Did it work? Could you stand having a moping, whining, complaining youth confined in
the same house where you live for forty-two days and fortytwo nights? Didnt you make
exceptions to the grounding.just to have some peace and quiet? And what about
sending your daughter to her room until she calms down only to have walls to repair,
mirrors to replace or have to take a quick trip to the Emergency Room to get stitches
and an X-ray of her swollen knuckles? So did that punishment work? (By the way, I
think that when most parents use the term consequences (like If you dont clean your
room, there will be consequences.) they really, really mean punishments. (If you
dont clean your room, there will be punishments.)
Punishments dont work because kids usually find a way to get even with the person
who imposes the chastisement. In physics there is a law that states: For every action
there is an opposite and equal reaction. I think this law holds true when parents impose
punishment. One way or another kids find a way to get back at parents punishment with
an opposite and equal reaction.
So what does work? I mean parents cant just let the kids run wild. There has to be
some way to establish and encourage family norms and acceptable behavior so
everyone can live in the same house together without open or guerrilla warfare.
My sons taught me the importance of family meetings. These family meetings were the
forums where we openly addressed problems and together hammered out solutions.
We tried to negotiate differences. And, although we never achieved perfection, things
were a whole lot better when we all came together and everyone tried to find a solution
that would work out.
Not that everyone always got what they wanted entirely, but we tried to come up with
solutions that everyone could at least live with.
The rule was: OK we choose to look for a solution to this problem, a solution where you
wont get hurt, I wont get hurt and it (the solution) is not against the law. That frame of
mind leaves a wide, wide range of possibilities. We got into problems when someone
thought that they were right and that everyone else must cave in. But we eventually
learned that it was better for
everyone in the family when we all settled ourselves down, took everyones desires
seriously and looked for a mutually acceptable solution.
Lesson Two: Life in the Family Goes Better When Family Members Treat Each
Other Like They Do Their Friends
My sons taught me that having a strong, positive relationship between parents and
children makes life down on the farm (or in the apartment) go a whole lot more
smoothly.
How did we try to treat each other? We tried to treat each other the way we would treat
our friends. That means we would respect the opinions of each other and not nitpick or
fight for the last word.
The sons taught me that things go much better when we do things together..things
that they and I enjoy doing together. (I even learned to like Ozzie before he was on
television.) Treating family members like friends meant we all had to give a little to get a
little.
I learned that if I wanted to be respected, I had better first show my sons respect. (I
mean, how were they to learn how to respect someone if their parents didnt model the
behavior by respecting them first?)
Family relationships are strengthened when family members spend time doing
enjoyable, satisfying things together.maybe even going to a concert together (dont
forget your earplugs). Or working in the yard, or the kitchen together.
A strong relationship involves forgiveness (we learned to accept the fact that no one
even Dad is perfect). A relationship is strengthened when both parents and children
are willing to struggle together through the bad times (as well as the good times) without
nagging, complaining, arguing or playing the get-back game.
Lesson Three: There Is No Such Thing As Constructive Criticism
Criticism is criticism and thats all there is to it. Any kind of criticism hurts the person
who is criticized. Criticism will destroy the relationship between the person who criticizes
and the person who is criticized. For example, play this piece of constructive criticism
over in your mind. What do you really hear the parent saying?
Bill, Im proud of you. You didnt fail a thing this marking period, and you brought every
one of your grades up from last time. BUT I think you could do better if you tried harder.
Dad is trying to be constructive with his criticism. But it just doesnt work. Bill has the
gut reaction that Dad is getting on down to what he really wants to say ... right after the
BUT.
Your room looks fine, but arent those dirty clothes over there in the corner? My sons
taught me that so called constructive criticism hurts and will put relationships in a
vulnerable position.
So whats the alternative to constructive criticism? My sons helped me to learn how
not to criticize them and instead to ask a special type of question which would help them
to self-evaluate their own behaviors.
Instead of telling Bill that he could do better if he studied harder, a question which will
help Bill to selfevaluate his own behavior is usually more beneficial and useful.
Bill Im proud of you. You didnt fail a thing this marking period and you brought every
one of your grades up from the last time. Are you satisfied with your grades? How would
you rate your accomplishments? By asking the last two questions, Im asking Bill to
self-evaluate his work. By using questions that helped my sons to self-evaluate their
own behaviors, I avoided a lot of arguments.
Lesson Four: A Parent Usually Has Very Little Success in Trying to Force a Child
to do Something He/She Doesn't Want to Do
It took me a while to learn this lesson. I thought that spelling words should be studied,
rooms should be clean, toys are to be put away and no one is to eat in the television
room. I thought that children should always obey their parents. (As the parent, I had
forgotten what I did when I was a kid.)
Pressuring the child to do something that s/he doesnt want to do will oft times result in
resentment, power struggles, pay backs and general family brawls.
So whats a parent to do? I learned about the power of negotiation, compromise,
working out mutually satisfying solutions to problems and asking self-evaluations
questions.
Lesson Five: Anger Destroys Family Relationships
My angry thoughts and deeds usually resulted in arguments, blaming, criticizing, people
becoming defensive, nagging and complaining. No one won; each person was a loser. I
learned that there were many good ways to get my sons attention, and that anger was
not one of them. And it was clear that anger and punishing seem to go hand in hand
with usually the same results. I learned to say what I had to say without being angry and
nasty; and I found out that the calmer I was, the calmer they were.
So how did my sons teach me these lessons?
I had to become a good student. I learned to listen and hear what they were
saying.
I had to admit that I wasnt always right and that I had lots of shortcomings as a
parent and a person.
And I had to learn that if we were to live together as a family, we had to work
together as a family (with lots of give and take) to achieve the results we wanted.

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