TWO AND A HALF BLACK MEN

"Pilot"
Written by Rodney Ohebsion

Copyright 2014

INT. JIM AND LISAS APARTMENT - DAY

The doorbell rings in a small apartment. LISA (48, half
black, half white) opens the door to reveal RAY (24, a
quarter black / three quarters white, over-the-top
stereotypical black / hip hop personality.)
RAY
Your baby boy is home. With a
college degree.
He holds up a diploma.
RAY
Tadow.
He beatboxes and hums the traditional college graduation
song ("Pomp And Circumstance").
LISA
Very nice. You look like a college
graduate. Sort of.
RAY
Sort of?
LISA
Your diploma makes it look like you
graduated from college.
She points to a Malcolm X tattoo on his arm.
LISA
Your tattoo makes it look like you
graduated from prison, with a
degree in shankology.
RAY
What are you talking about, mamma?
This is a tattoo of Malcolm X. Hes
an intellectual. Not a
shankologist.
LISA
Mm Hmmm. Hes an intellectual when
youre reading his books. Hes not
an intellectual when his his face
is hanging out on your arm, under a
picture of Snuffleupagus.
Close up on the tattoos.

2.

RAY
Its all good. Tomorrow Im gonna
get a tattoo of a diploma on my
left arm. And by the way--I didnt
shank anyone at college. But I did
get into an altercation with the
cafeteria lady. Cause that bitch
didnt known anything about tater
tots.
JIM (50, white) enters the scene.
Ray once again holds up his diploma.
RAY
Tadow.
JIM
Ray. Graduating college in six
years is not that much of an
accomplishment.
RAY
Come on, pops. It didnt take me
six years. It took me five and a
half years.
JIM
Yeah. And then you spent another
six months just hanging around
campus, probably smoking marijuana.
RAY
Thats cause you gotta let the
learning matriculate in your head
for six months.
JIM
Matriculate?
RAY
Matri-culate. Its a college word.
You know. Coffee percolates in a
coffee machine, blood circulates in
your veins, and education
matriculates in your brain.
JIM
OK, Mr. college graduate. How about
you matriculate some money? What
are you gonna do for a living?

3.
RAY
Nigga--I dont know.
JIM
... Ray--I respect the fact that
youre an African-American. But do
you have to call me a nigger all
the time?
RAY
Its a term of endearment, nigga.
JIM
Well--you dont seem to be using in
a very endearing way. If you want
to use it as a term of endearment,
then say something to me like, "I
bought you this subway sandwich,
nigger. With extra cheese."
RAY
(to Lisa)
Can you believe this nigga?
JIM
Lisa--tell our son to stop calling
me a nigger.
LISA
Ray--stop calling your father the
n-word.
JIM
OK. Fine. Mom--can you believe this
cracka?
JIM
Lisa--tell our son to stop calling
me a cracker.
LISA
Ray--stop calling your father a
cracker.
JIM
Six years in college--and he sounds
more ghetto coming out than he did
going in.
RAY
Thats cause I majored in ghetto.
Theres a lot of ghetto
matriculation in this brain of
mine.

4.

JIM
Great. Im sure thatll lead to a
high paying job. I heard Microsoft
is hiring a Chief Ghetto Officer.
Maybe you can go down there, and
play dice and smoke crack with Bill
Gates.
RAY
Anyways--I couldnt help but notice
that yall moved into a
significantly smaller apartment.
LISA
Well--you left, your sister left,
so we didnt need the space.
RAY
Right. Now, um, mathematically
speaking, there aint a room for me
here.
JIM
Mathematically?
RAY
Yeah. I matriculated a lot of
algebra and geometry in college.
And, looking at your residence, Id
say A squared plus B squared means
theres no room for me squared--you
know what Im saying?
JIM
Oh. Really? I didnt do the math.
RAY
Anyways, its all good. Cause Im
gonna go live with Grandpa Charles.
JIM
What?
LISA
He didnt mention that to me.
RAY
Well--he mentioned it to me.
LISA
I figured youd move into some
apartment.

5.

RAY
Apartment my ass. Im gonna be
living at your daddys house. Rent
free, baby.
LISA
And grandpa agreed?
RAY
Hell yeah, grandpa agreed.
Grandpas down with me. Cause he
knows I respect and obey my elders.
JIM
Really? Im your elder, too. You
dont obey me that much.
RAY
Well--by "elder," I mean like an
old black man.
LISA
So youre gonna be roommates with
grandpa?
RAY
And Tony. Tonys gonna live there,
too.
JIM
Well good. Grandpa Charles should
have a good influence on you. Hes
a homeowner, and hes run a
successful business for decades.
Great idea, son.
RAY
Well thank you. You are the best
cracka father a black man could ask
for.
JIM
Lisa--hes calling me a cracker
again.
LISA
(to Ray)
Stop calling your father a cracker.

6.

INT. CARL AND LINDAS APARTMENT - DAY

CARL (50, black, Lisas half brother) is talking to TONY
(24, half black, half white). Carls wife LINDA (45, white)
is nearby.
CARL
(to Tony)
OK, son. Let me give you some
advice on how to get along with my
dad.
LINDA
Tony--dont forget to take a
toothbrush.
CARL
Linda--Im trying to have a talk
with the boy.
LINDA
Well, the boy needs to have clean
teeth.
CARL
The boy needs to listen to me.
TONY
Ma--I packed a toothbrush.
LINDA
And floss. Did you pack floss?
CARL
Linda--who cares about floss?
LINDA
What--you dont want our son to
floss his teeth?
CARL
Why are we talking about floss?!
LINDA
Why are you trying to start a
fight over floss?!
CARL
Why are you trying to start a fight
over floss?!

7.
LINDA
Youre always trying to start
something!
(to Tony)
Isnt that right, Tony?! Doesnt
your father always try to start
something?!
CARL
Why are you always making our son
take sides?!
LINDA
There you go again, Carl! Now
youre trying to start another
fight with me!
(looks at Tony)
Isnt he trying to start another
fight?
CARL
OK! Fine! Tony--did you pack floss?
TONY
No.
CARL
Linda. Bring the boy some damn
floss!
(to Tony)
OK. Anyways, son. Grandpa Charles.
This is how you get along with him.
LINDA
Are you seriously giving him advice
on how to get along with someone?
CARL
Well why shouldnt I?
LINDA
Because you dont know how to get
along with anybody!
CARL
I dont know how to get along with
anybody!? You dont know how to get
along with anybody!
LINDA
(to Tony)
There he goes again. You see that,
Tony? Your fathers always trying
to start fights.

8.

CARL
Get the damn floss, Linda!
LINDA
I thought you didnt care about
floss!
CARL
I dont care about floss! Youre
the only one who cares about floss!
I havent flossed my teeth since
1982, and my mouth is just fine.
He shows his teeth and gums to her.
CARL
Take a look at those gums!
(to Tony)
Take a look!
INT. APARTMENT IN ENGLAND - DAY
STANLEY (24, black, British accent) is with his father
REGINALD (57, black, British accent) and mother JACKIE (52,
black, American accent, Carls sister, Lisas half sister).
REGINALD
Stanley. America is a great
country, Sort of. Soak up the
culture--but not too much.
Otherwise youll turn into a
classless ruffian, like that awful
Howard Stern fellow. Thats what
happens when you become too
American. So dont associate with
the common hooligans. Find the
right people to be around.
JACKIE
(to Stanley)
And listen to Grandpa Charles. You
know, my father might not have a
college degree--but hes more
educated than the three of us put
together.
STANLEY
Well. I guess this is it. Goodbye,
mummy.
He hugs her.

9.

STANLEY
Goodbye, father.
EXT. CHARLESS HOME - DAY
Ray parks his 1993 Toyota Camry on the street while he
listens to Howard Stern on the radio.
INT. CHARLESS HOME - DAY
CHARLES (80, black) is playing dominoes with Tony.
The doorbell rings. Tony gets it.
RAY
What up, cuz!
TONY
What up?
RAY
Grandpa Charles!
He gives Charles an overenthusiastic hip hop handshake.
CHARLES
Whoa. Calm down, Ray. This aint no
WWF wrestling match.
Ray backs off.
RAY
(to Tony and Charles)
Hell yeah, baby. Grandpa Charless
house. Our house. Im gonna go take
a piss in our bathroom.
INT. CHARLESS HOME - DAY
(Later)
The three of them are sitting in the living room.
RAY
So hows life as a bachelor,
grandpa? Are you looking for wife
number four?

10.

CHARLES
At my age, I dont know what Im
looking for.
RAY
Have you tried eHarmony?
CHARLES
No. I dont use any of those pills.
My penis is fine.
RAY
eHarmony is not a pill for your
penis, grandpa. Its a dating
website.
CHARLES
A what-now?
TONY
A dating website. You know. You go
on the internet and find dates.
CHARLES
Oh--I go on dates.
RAY
You mean with Cheryl?
CHARLES
No. Me and Cheryl broke up two
months ago. Im with Cindy now.
RAY
Good. Cause I hate Cheryl.
CHARLES
What do you hate about Cheryl?
RAY
Well, for lack of a better term,
Cheryl is a bitch.
CHARLES
Is that right?
RAY
Tony--dont you agree?
TONY
Man--I am not gonna call a 70 year
old woman a bitch.

11.
RAY
Hey. Im not calling her one,
either. I said, for lack of a
better term. Didnt you hear my
preamble?
TONY
OK. Lets just say Cheryl is
unpleasant.
RAY
Exactly. Shes unpleasant. Shes
unpleasant in a way that makes you
think, "This bitch is a pain in the
ass."
CHARLES
Well. Lets talk about your woman.
RAY
I broke up with that pain in the
ass last month. Im recruiting new
talent.
CHARLES
Alright. What are you looking for
in a woman?
RAY
Oh--you know what Im looking for.
I think its pretty obvious. A girl
with class, a nice smile, money,
and an MGM.
CHARLES
A what-now?
RAY
An MGM. A maximum gluteus maximus.
It aint a movie studio. Its a big
butt.
CHARLES
Have you tried eHarmony?
RAY
eHarmony is missing an essential
ingredient for a nigga like me. It
aint got no pictures of gluteus
maximuses. Anyways, its a good
thing you broke up with that crazy
bitch, and now youre living with
your two grandsons.

12.

CHARLES
Three grandsons. I got another one
coming in.
RAY
You got another grandson coming in?
What--is your new girlfriend
pregnant?
CHARLES
No. Im talking about Stanley. Hes
gonna live here, too.
RAY
Stanley? Who the fuck is Stanley?
CHARLES
Stanley your cousin.
RAY
You mean the chip chip Cheerio
English muthafucka?
CHARLES
Yeah. Hes moving here from
England.
RAY
The four of us are gonna be sharing
this house?
CHARLES
Yeah.
RAY
I dont know, grandpa. That wasnt
really part of the contract.
CHARLES
What contract are you taking about?
RAY
Well. Let me matriculize the whole
thing for you.
CHARLES
Matriculize?
RAY
Yeah.

13.

CHARLES
Is that a dating website, or a pill
for your penis?
RAY
Neither. Synonymously speaking,
matriculize means to learnify some
shit. So, yeah. Like I was saying.
We have a contract. Let me put in
in legalese. We have whats known
as a verbal contract.
CHARLES
What verbal contract?
RAY
You know. You said some shit, and I
agreed to the shit that you said.
That means we entered a legally
binding contract. And you
didnt mention no Englishman, or no
4th roommate. Those terms aint in
the contract. Verbal agreements are
contractual. I learned that in
college.
TONY
Are you sure you didnt learn it
from Judge Mathis?
CHARLES
(to Ray)
Oh. OK. Youre pulling out the
lawyer talk--huh, Mr. college
graduate? Well if you want to make
this a legit contract, how about
you pay me $400 a month in rent?
RAY
Well. You know. Contracts are
overrated.
CHARLES
Mmm Hmm. And so are college
degrees.
RAY
Let me just say this. The three of
us are family, and Stanley aint.
Why is he invited to this family
barbecue?

14.

TONY
Um... Stanley is family. More than
you are. I mean, were all grandpa
Charless grandsons. But me and
Stanley are cousins. And youre
just our half cousin.
RAY
Half cousin?
TONY
Yeah.
RAY
Listen. Dont try to bring your
bullshit math into this. Im the
college graduate here. If anyones
gonna use a mathematical based
argument, it should be me.
TONY
OK. Go ahead.
RAY
Alright. Now lookie here. Im
100% American. 100. Thats a
mathematical number. Grandpa is
100% American. Youre 100%
American. Our family is 100%
American. From America. Real
America. The 48 contiguous states.
Contiguous. Thats a college word.
And 48 is another mathematical
number. 48 contiguous states. No
Hawaii, no Alaska, none of that
Puerto Rican bullshit, and
definitely no England. Stanley
aint in our family. Stanleys
family is David Beckham and William
Shakespeare. He should go live with
them two niggas at Buckingham
Palace or the Stratford Motel.
Around here, we dont have room for
no Englishmen, or Alaskans, or
Hawaiians, or Puerto Ricans.
TONY
No Puerto Ricans, huh? What about
Jennifer Lopez? Do we have room for
her?

15.

RAY
Jennifer Lopez can spend the night
here once a week--but thats it.
And Stanley can visit here once a
decade. Oh. And if Jennifer drops
by, make sure she brings her
Grandma. That way, Grandma Lopez
will keep Grandpa Charles company.
(turns to Charles)
I got your back, Grandpa.
CHARLES
Shoot. Ill take Jennifer Lopez,
and you hang out with Grandma
Lopez.
RAY
Listen, Ill hang out with
whichever Lopez has a bigger butt.
Jennifer Lopez, Grandma Lopez...
TONY
George Lopez.
RAY
Hey. I aint looking at no George
Lopez butt, OK? Plus, he aint even
Puerto Rican.
CHARLES
OK. Enough Lopez talk, Ray. Your
cousin Stanley is moving in
here--and thats it. You better get
along with him. Or hes in, and
youre out.
RAY
How are you gonna side with the
British, Mr. Medicine Arnold?
TONY
Medicine Arnold?
RAY
You know. The traitor.
TONY
Its Benedict Arnold. I guess you
didnt matriculatize any history in
college.
The doorbell rings.

16.
RAY
That must be Pip Pip Cheerio.
INT. CHARLESS HOME (BEDROOM) - DAY
Stanley puts a suitcase on a table.
RAY
OK. Heres your guide to America,
Stanley. Lets start with the
basics. In America, we watch BET,
and not BBC. Alright?
STANLEY
Actually, plenty of Americans watch
BBC. Thats why theres a channel
called BBC America.
RAY
The only American who watches that
channel is Benedict Arnold. Now, if
you dont start following our
American customs, Im gonna have to
call immigration on your British
ass.
STANLEY
Im here legally.
RAY
Let me see your green card.
Stanley just stares at him.
RAY
Alright. Now heres our living
arrangement. Its two bedrooms
between the three of us.
Mathematically, that means theres
like a remainder and shit.
STANLEY
Mathematically, I think I just lost
200 brain cells by listening to
you.
RAY
So basically, heres how it goes
down. Room number one is for sleep.
And room number two is for sex. So
if one of us brings a honey back to
the crib, he gets to use room
number two.

17.

TONY
Well what if there are two honeys?
RAY
Its good you brought that up. If I
bring two honeys to the crib, then
Ill have a threesome in room
number two.
TONY
Ray--I meant what if two of us each
bring a woman back to the crib?
RAY
Then room number one converts into
a sex room. One of us gets room
one, one of us gets room two, and
the other one of us gets out of the
house and sleeps in the backyard.
TONY
How about the living room?
RAY
Whatever. ... Man. This is some
weird shit. The way were all
living here. Its like two and half
black men.
TONY
Two and a half black men? How do
you figure?
RAY
Grandpas black, Im black, youre
half black--and
(points to Stanley)
this nigga over here is English. Do
the algebra, and that comes out to
two and a half black men.
STANLEY
What the hell are you talking
about? You have one black
grandparent. He has two. I have
four. How is it that youre black,
hes half black, and Im not black?
RAY
(to Tony)
Do you eat collard greens?

18.

TONY
Not really.
RAY
(to Stanley)
Do you eat collard greens?
STANLEY
What the hell is a collard green?
RAY
I rest my case. And you know what?
Now that I think of it
(turns to Tony)
Youre not even half black. I mean,
you work at a convenience store.
TONY
So?
RAY
So. That means
Indian. Youre
quarter white,
Thats college

youre at least half

half Indian, a
a quarter black.
math. Fractions.

TONY
Thats fourth grade math.
RAY
Whatever. Mathematically, a black
man dont work at no damn
convenience store.
Charles walks in the room.
CHARLES
Are you boys settled in?
RAY
Hell yeah. We got it all figured
out. Room 2 is the sex room, and
room 1 is the sleep and sex room.
Now if you gentlemen will excuse
me, I gotta bounce. Like I said,
Im recruiting some MGM talent, and
I got a honey lined up for the day.
I met her a week ago, and now its
game time, baby.
(to Tony)
Oh--she has a younger sister. You
want me to set you up with her?

19.

TONY
No, man. I got a girlfriend.
RAY
I guarantee you the woman Im
talking about has a bigger butt
than your girlfriend.
TONY
I dont care.
RAY
More proof that youre not even
half black.
(turns to Stanley)
By the way--I aint gonna set you
up with the girl Im talking about,
because shes way too ghetto for
your cracker ass.
INT. CAR - EARLY EVENING
SANDRA
So. Since we just ate at
McDonalds, I suppose that means
you live with your parents.
RAY
No, baby. I just moved.
SANDRA
Oh. So you got your own bachelor
pad?
RAY
Sort of. I moved into my grandpas
house, with my cousin, and some
British guy who thinks hes my
cousin.
SANDRA
You live with your grandpa?
RAY
Hell yeah I live with my grandpa!
SANDRA
Are you bragging about how you live
with your grandpa?

20.

RAY
My grandpas an OG.
SANDRA
And apparently, youre a BAN.
RAY
A what?
SANDRA
A Broke Ass Nigga.
RAY
Whatever. Even if I am a BAN, Im
still a straight up OG. Im a
straight up BANOG.
SANDRA
Id rather date an OBGYN.
RAY
Isnt that one of those doctors who
look up womens vaginas?
SANDRA
Yes. And the point is, theyre not
broke ass niggas who live with
their grandpas.
INT. CHARLESS HOME - NIGHT
Tony and BECKY (white, 22) are seated across from Charles.
BECKY
So. Tony tells you were best
friends with Martin Luther King.
CHARLES
Is that what he said?
BECKY
Yeah. Why? Was he exaggerating?
CHARLES
Well, you could say that.
TONY
Grandpa. Come on, man. You know you
were best friends with Dr. King.

21.

CHARLES
I dont know. Maybe I was. My
memory isnt so great anymore. But
now that I think about it, yeah--I
seem to recall organizing ten bus
boycotts with my best friend Martin
Luther King. I also played in rock
and roll concerts with my other
best friend, Elvis. I just cant
remember Elviss last name.
BECKY
Did you at least know Martin
Luther King?
CHARLES
Well. I read about him.
TONY
(to Becky)
Hes joking. Grandpas joking. Hes
always joking.
(to Charles)
Tell her youre joking, grandpa.
You knew Martin Luther King. Tell
her about your best friend Martin
Luther King.
CHARLES
My best friends name was Jerry
Watson. Let me tell yall about
him. Jerry Watson was the son of a
chicken farmer named Jebediah
Watson. Now in 1947--couldve been
48...
INT. CHARLESS HOME - NIGHT
(Later)
Ray walks in with Sandra.
RAY
Yo. This is my homegirl Sandra.
SANDRA
Hi everyone.
RAY
(to everyone)
Yeah. MGM, baby.

22.

SANDRA
MGM? What does that mean?
RAY
It means you look like a movie
star.
TONY
You mean like Jennifer Lopez?
Ray stares at Tony.
RAY
Yes. Like Jennifer Lopez, and
Hallie Berry, and Scarlet
Johansson. They look like movie
stars, and Sandra looks like a
movie star.
TONY
Well, based on her front and her
back, do you think she looks more
like Jennifer Lopez, Hallie Berry,
or Scarlet Johansson?
RAY
I think she looks more like
"why-dont-you-mind-your-damn-business,
nigga."
TONY
(to Becky)
Youll have to forgive my cousin
Ray. Hes an asshole. Oh. Let me
properly introduce you to him.
Becky--this is my half cousin Ray.
(to Ray)
Ray--this is Becky.
BECKY
Hi.
RAY
(unfriendly)
Yeah. Hi.
(to Sondra)
Sondra--sit down and talk to my
grandpa.
(to Tony)
Tony--can I have a word with you in
the kitchen?

23.
TONY
You want to have a word with me?
RAY
Yes. A word. In the kitchen. So get
your black ass in there.
Sondra sits down while Ray and Tony walk to the kitchen.
CHARLES
I was just telling Becky here about
my best friend Jerry Watson, son of
Jebediah Watson, the chicken
farmer. Now, back in 1948--couldve
been 47, Jerry bought two pounds of
jellybeans from the local Piggly
Wiggly supermarket...
INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT
TONY
What do you want, man?
RAY
I dont think grandpas OK with you
bringing white girls into this
house.
TONY
What are you talking about? Grandpa
just met her--and theyre getting
along fine. Plus, 67% of grandpas
wives were white. Including your
grandmother.
RAY
Yeah. Im just saying, though. I
dont think grandpas gonna
appreciate you bringing white girls
into this house.
TONY
So youre not gonna bring white
girls into this house? Most of the
girls you go out with are white.
RAY
This aint about me, nigga.
TONY
Then what the hell is this about,
nigga?

24.

RAY
When Im with a white girl, Im
just with her for the time being.
But when youre with a white girl,
your black ass is probably gonna
end up marrying her. Now, we
already got too much white in this
family, with that cracka ass
Stanley whitening everything up,
like hes some kind of a Crest
whitening strip. We dont need you
to be adding more white to the mix.
TONY
Youve lost your damn mind.
RAY
If youre gonna be bringing your
white fiance into this house, at
least pay me some reparations.
TONY
Reparations?
RAY
Loan me a hundred dollars.
TONY
Get a job.
He walks out of the kitchen, and Ray follows him.
INT. CHARLESS HOME (LIVING ROOM ) - NIGHT
Ray and Tony walk back into the room, and see Stanley
sitting with Charles, Sondra, and Becky.
RAY
I see yall have met my cousin
Stanley. Hes English.
SONDRA
Yeah--I figured he was.
RAY
Stanley--show them how youre
English. Do your Sean Connery
impersonation.

25.

STANLEY
Ray--what the hell are you talking
about? I dont do a Sean Connery
impersonation--not to mention the
fact that Sean Connery isnt
English.
RAY
Fine. Do your Benny Hill
impersonation. Run around the house
and hum the Benny Hill music.
SONDRA
Ray. Quit acting so damn ignorant.
RAY
Who are you calling ignorant?
SONDRA
Um. The guy who ten minutes ago,
told me that Benedict Arnold
watched BBC, and Colonel Sanders
fought in the Revolutionary War.
RAY
I was referring to the chicken
revolution. Colonel Sanders
revolutionized chicken.
(to Charles)
Aint that right, grandpa?
CHARLES
Well--I actually met Colonel
Sanders at a bowling alley in
1953--couldve been 54.
RAY
(to Sondra)
You hear that, Sondra!? My grandpa
met Colonel Sanders in 53--couldve
been 54. They cooked side by side
in the fried chicken revolution.
SONDRA
Whatever, Ray. Do you have to flap
your lips about nonsense all day
and night?
RAY
Let me ask you something, Sondra.
Remember how you called me a BAN in
the car earlier? Well youre a BAB.
A Bad Attitude Blank. Now why dont
(MORE)

26.

RAY (contd)
you go ahead and fill in the Blank
with a word that starts with a B?
SONDRA
I know you didnt just call me a
bitch.
RAY
Im just saying. You have a bad
attitude, and youre a blank that
starts with a B. It could be a
Bohemian Princess. It could be a
Beekeeper. It could be Bobo the
Clown. It could be a Beach Blanket
Bingo Player.
SONDRA
Once again, Ray--do you have to
flap your lips about nonsense all
day and night?
RAY
OK. Im gonna go ahead and
eliminate Bobo the Clown. Thats
not the B that fills in the blank.
SONDRA
I should kick your ass.
RAY
Im also gonna eliminate Beach
Blanket Bingo Player.
SONDRA
You also just eliminated any chance
of us having sex.
RAY
You just eliminated any chance of
me taking you to KFC tomorrow
night. No chicken for you.
SONDRA
Flapping your lips about nonsense.
RAY
Can I see you in the kitchen for a
second?

27.

INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT

SONDRA
What is it?
RAY
Why you trippin?
SONDRA
Why are you trippin?
RAY
Hey. If Im trippin, its because
you initiated it when you started
trippin. You know. I treated you
like a princess, taking you to
McDonalds and my grandpas house.
And you just started trippin.
SONDRA
Ray. Ive known you for a week, and
were already fighting like an old
married couple. You know what? Uh
uh. Im done with you, Ray--you
broke ass nigga.
RAY
Whatever. I aint looking to sign
no ten movie deal with MGM, anyway.
At least, not your MGM.
SONDRA
What do you mean "my MGM?" What MGM
are you talking about?
RAY
The point is, if you want to go,
go--and dont let the door hit your
MGM on the way out!
SONDRA
Whatever.
RAY
Wait. Before you go--can I borrow a
hundred dollars?
SONDRA
Fuck off, Ray.

28.
INT. CHARLESS HOME (LIVING ROOM ) - NIGHT
Ray walks back into the living room without Sondra.
TONY
So what happened to Miss MGM?
RAY
Miss MGM is a pain in my ASS--so I
told that Bohemian Princess to
GTFO.
(to Charles)
By the way, grandpa--can I have
JOB?
CHARLES
NO.
RAY
What does NO stand for?
CHARLES
No.
RAY
Why dont you want to hire me? Is
it because Im black?
CHARLES
No--its not because youre black,
Ray. Its just that, I run a
successful pizzeria. So I dont
want your black ass working there.
RAY
I thought you said it wasnt cause
Im black.
CHARLES
Its not. I have a black manager,
and a black chef.
RAY
So then what was all of that stuff
about my black ass?
CHARLES
Its an expression, Ray.
RAY
Well, heres another expression you
might be familiar with. "Nigga I
need a job."

29.

CHARLES
Well. Fist of all, stop calling me
a nigga.
RAY
Its a term of endearment.
CHARLES
Well Im not down with all of that
hippity hoppity vernacular you kids
are using these days. I got a
dictionary on the bookshelf. A
dictionary that was published in
1973. Could be 1974. I go by whats
in that dictionary. And in that
dictionary, "nigga" aint a term of
endearment.
TONY
(to Ray)
Did you hear that, Ray? Listen to
your grandpa, nigga.
RAY
Hey. I listen to my grandpa all
day, nigga.
CHARLES
Im not so sure you do, Ray.
RAY
I get it, grandpa. From now on, I
aint calling nobody a nigga in
this house. I go by whatevers in
that 1973 or 1974 dictionary. So
instead of telling someone, "Let me
borrow a hundred dollars, nigga,"
Im gonna tell him, "Let me borrow
a hundred dollars, jack." So, uh,
let me borrow a hundred dollars,
jack.
CHARLES
... Nigga, you must be crazy.
RAY
Dont you think youre being a
little bit hypocritical, by using
the word nigga?
CHARLES
Well. As Walt Whitman once
said, "Do I contradict myself? Very
(MORE)

30.

CHARLES (contd)
well, then I contradict myself. I
am large, I contain multitudes."
RAY
And as Lil Wayne once said, "Im
beneficial / Ive been official / I
say you rappers sweet,
tiramissile."
CHARLES
What the hell does that mean?
RAY
Nobody knows, grandpa.
CHARLES
Ray--Im this close to evicting
you.
RAY
Whoa. Calm down, Mr. Furley. Im
not gonna say nigga no more, and
Im not gonna quote Lil Wayne no
more. OK? So, about that job...
CHARLES
Listen. First be a good tenant.
Keep your room clean, do some
chores, and if youre gonna bring a
woman here, it should be someone
respectable.
RAY
Are you saying the bitch I had here
earlier wasnt respectable?
TONY
(to Becky)
Uh. You know what? We should
probably leave, so we wont have to
listen to this.
BECKY
Yeah. Thats a good idea.
They get up.
BECKY
(to Charles)
Uh--nice to meet you, Mr. Watkins.

31.

CHARLES
(to Ray)
You see that, Ray? Shes the kind
of woman you should bring here.
RAY
Im not gonna disrespect this
house, by bringing white women in
here.
CHARLES
Thats an even dumber statement
than that Lil Wayne quote. Listen,
Ray. Be a good tenant here, and
then maybe Ill consider hiring you
on a trial basis. OK?
RAY
OK.
CHARLES
Now just sit right there, and let
me tell you about the time I met
Colonel Sanders in a bowling alley.
Now, it was 1953--couldve been
54...