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CHAPTER 6: COMPLETING BUSINESS MESSAGES

CHAPTER OUTLINE
Moving Beyond Your First Draft
Revising Your Message
Evaluating Your Content, Organization, Style, and Tone
Reviewing for Readability
Varying Your Sentence Length
Keeping Your Paragraphs Short
Using Lists and Bullets to Clarify and Emphasize
Adding Headings and Subheadings
Editing for Clarity and Conciseness
Evaluating, Editing, and Revising the Work of Others
Using Technology to Revise Your Message
Producing Your Message
Designing for Readability
White Space
Margins and Justification
Typefaces
Type Styles
Designing Multimedia Documents
Using Technology to Produce Your Message
Formatting Formal Letters and Memos
Proofreading Your Message
Distributing Your Message

LECTURE NOTES
Moving Beyond Your First Draft
Since the first draft is rarely good enough, recognize that youll need to revise the document.
Careful revision can mean the difference between a rambling, unfocused message and a lively,
direct message that gets results.
The third step of the three-step writing process involves four key tasks:
Revising your message to achieve optimum quality and then
Producing your message
Proofreading your message
Distributing your message

Revising Your Message

The nature of revision will vary according to the medium youre using and the nature of each
message. Audiences are likely to equate the quality of your writing with the quality of your
thinking.

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For informal messages to internal audiences, particularly when using instant messaging, text
messaging, e-mail, or blogging, the revision process is often as simple as quickly looking over your
message to correct any mistakes before sending or posting it.
With more complex messages, try to put your draft aside for a day or two before you begin the
revision process so that you can approach the material with a fresh eye.
After letting the document sit for a day, start with the big picture, making sure that the document
accomplishes your overall goals before moving to finer points, such as readability, clarity, and
conciseness.
To evaluate content, ask:
Is the information accurate?
Is the information relevant to the audience?
Is there enough information to satisfy the readers needs?
Is there a good balance between general information and specific information?
To review organization, ask:
Are all your points covered in the most logical order?
Do the most important ideas receive the most space, and are they placed in the most prominent
positions?
Would the message be more convincing if it were arranged in another sequence?
Are any points repeated unnecessarily?
Are details grouped together logically, or are some still scattered through the document?
Ask whether you have achieved the right style and tone for your audience by answering these
questions:
Is your writing formal enough to meet the audiences expectations, without being too formal
or academic?
Is it too casual for a serious subject?
Does your message emphasize the audiences needs over your own?
After confirming the content, organization, style, and tone of your message, make a second pass to
improve readability.
During your second pass, focus on readability:
Readers will save time and understand your messages better.
Your reputation for well-crafted documents will garner more attention for your work.
Many indexes have been developed over the years in an attempt to measure readability:
Flesch-Kincaid Grade Level score
Flesch Reading Ease score
Although readability formulas offer a useful reference point, they are all limited by what they are
able to measure:
They can measure word length, number of syllables, sentence length, and paragraph length.
They cannot measure document design, the you attitude, clear sentence structure, smooth
transitions, and proper word usage.
Help readers skim your message by
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Varying the sentence length

Using shorter paragraphs
Using lists and bullets instead of narrative
Adding effective headings and subheadings
By varying sentence length, you can create a rhythm that
Emphasizes important points
Enlivens your writing style
Makes your information appealing to your reader
Each sentence length has its advantages:
Short sentences can be processed quickly, and they are easier for nonnative speakers to
interpret.
Medium-length sentences are useful for showing the relationships among ideas.
Long sentences are often the best way to convey complex ideas, list multiple related points, or
summarize or preview information.
Each sentence length also has disadvantages:
Too many short sentences in a row can make your writing choppy.
Medium sentences lack the punch of short sentences and the informative power of longer ones.
Long sentences are usually harder to skim and harder to understand than short sentences
because they are packed with information that must all be absorbed at once.
Try to keep paragraph length short to medium:
Short paragraphs of 100 words or fewer are easier to read than long ones.
They make your writing look inviting.
You can emphasize an idea by isolating it in a short, forceful paragraph.
Dont go overboard with short paragraphs; for example, use one-sentence paragraphs only
occasionally and only for emphasis.
A list is a series of words, names, or other items.
By using bulleted or numbered lists, you can
Show the sequence of your ideas
Heighten the impact of list items
Increases the likelihood the reader will find key points
Listed items can be separated by numbers, letters, or bullets, and they are easier to find if the
entire numbered or bulleted section is set off by a blank line before and after it.
Introduce lists clearly so that people know what theyre about to read:
Make the list a part of the introductory sentence
Precede the list with a complete introductory sentence, followed by a colon
Items in lists should be phrased in parallel form.
Headings (brief titles that tell readers about the content of the section that follows) serve several
important functions:
Organizationshowing readers at a glance how the document is organized
Attentiongrabbing the readers attention, making the text easier to read, and helping readers
find the parts they need
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Connectionhelping readers see the relationships between subordinate and main ideas
Headings may be
Descriptivemerely identify the topic
Informativeguide readers to think in a certain way and are self-contained
Headings should be brief and parallel throughout the entire document.
When you edit for clarity, ask yourself whether your message is as clear and as concise as possible
by focusing on your
Paragraph organization
Sentence structure
Word choices
When editing for clarity, be sure to
Break up overly long sentences
Rewrite hedging sentences
Impose parallelism
Correct dangling modifiers
Reword long noun sequences
Replace camouflaged verbs
Clarify sentence structure
Clarify awkward references
When you edit for conciseness, you
Eliminate every word that serves no function
Replace every long word that could be a short word
Remove every adverb that adds nothing to the meaning already carried in the verb
When editing for conciseness, remember to
Delete unnecessary words and phrases
Shorten long words and phrases
Eliminate redundancies
Recast It is/There are starters
As you rewrite, concentrate on
How each word contributes to an effective sentence
How each sentence develops a coherent paragraph
Word processing software offers numerous features for entering and revising text, including
Cut and paste
Search and replace
Tracking a documents revisions
Spell checker
Thesaurus
Grammar checker
Style checker
Before you dive into someone elses work, recognize the dual responsibility that doing so entails:
Unless youve been specifically asked to rewrite something in your own style or change the
emphasis of the message, remember that your job is to help the other writer succeed at his
or her task, not to impose your writing style or pursue your own agenda.
Make sure you understand the writers intent before you begin suggesting or making
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changes.
Answer the following questions as you evaluate someone elses writing:
What is the purpose of this document or message?
Who is the target audience?
What information does the audience need?
Does the document provide this information in a well-organized way?
Does the writing demonstrate the you attitude toward the audience?
Is the tone of the writing appropriate for the audience?
Can the readability be improved?
Is the writing clear? If not, how can it be improved?
Is the writing as concise as it could be?
Does the design support the intended message?
When its time to revise and polish your message, software features and tools can help you with the
following functions:
Cut and paste (taking a block of text out of one section of a document and pasting it in
somewhere else)
Search and replace (finding words or phrases and changing them if you need to)
Revision marks (look for the track changes feature) and Commenting keep track of proposed
editing changes electronically and provide a history of a documents revisions.
Spell Checker compares your document with an electronic dictionary, highlights
unrecognized words, and suggests correct spellings
A computer thesaurus gives you alternative words, just as a printed thesaurus does
Grammar checker tries to do for your grammar what a spell checker does for your spelling
Style checker monitors your word and sentence choices and suggest alternatives that might
produce more effective writing
Keep in mind that spell checkers and grammar checkers cant catch all spelling mistakes and
youre responsible for the final product.

Producing Your Message

The production quality of your messagethe total effect of page or screen design, graphical
elements, typography
Plays an important role in the effectiveness of your message
Makes your material easier to read but also conveys a sense of professionalism and
importance
Document presentation can help or hurt readability in two ways:
Carefully done design elements can improve the effectiveness of your message (and thus poorly
done design elements can act as barriers, blocking your communication).
The design itself sends a nonverbal message to the audience, influencing their perceptions
of the communication before they read a single word.
Effective design helps you
Establish the tone of your document
Guide your readers through your message
Make your design elements effective by paying careful attention to the following design elements:
Consistency
Balance
Restraint
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Detail
White space
Is free of text and artwork both in print and online
Provides contrast
Provides readers a resting point
White space includes
The open area surrounding headings
The space in margins
The space in paragraph indents
The space around images
The vertical space between columns
The horizontal space between paragraphs or lines of text
Lines of type can be set
Justified (flush on both the left and right margins)
Flush left with a ragged-right margin
Flush right with a ragged-left margin
Centered with ragged-left and ragged-right margins
Justified type
Creates a denser look because the uniform line lengths decrease the amount of the white
space along the right margin
Produces a more formal and less personalized look
Is more difficult to read because it can produce large gaps between words and excessive
hyphenation at the ends of lines
Flush-leftragged-right type
Produces a less formal and more contemporary look
Gives a document an informal, contemporary feeling of openness
Is easier to read (because the spacing between words is the same)
Reduces hyphenation (because only long words are hyphenated at the end of lines)
Centered type is
Rarely used for text paragraphs
Commonly used for headings and subheadings
Flush-rightragged-left type is rarely used in business documents.
The term typeface refers to the physical design of letters, numbers, and other characters.
Each typeface influences the tone of your message.
Serif typefaces such as Times Roman
Have small crosslines (serifs) at the ends of each letter stroke
Are commonly used for regular paragraph text
Can look busy and cluttered when set in large sizes for headings and other display type
Sans serif typefaces such as Helvetica and Arial
Have no serifs
Are ideal for larger sized font
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Can be difficult to read in long blocks of text

Look best when surrounded by plenty of white space
Avoid using more than two typefaces in most documents.
Type style is any modification that lends contrast or emphasis to type, such as
Boldface
Italics
Underlining
Color
Other highlighting and decorative styles
Use boldface type for subheads, but avoid overuse of boldface within the text.
Use italic type for emphasis as well as for highlighting quotations and indicating foreign words,
irony, humor, book and movie titles, and unconventional usage.
Underlining, all upper case, and shadowed or outlined type can hinder legibility and slow your
readers progress.
When completing your business message, choose your type size to match the importance of your
message and the space allotted:
Use a size of 10 to 12 points for regular text and 12 to 18 points for headings and
subheadings
Small type is hard to read.
Extra-large type looks unprofessional.
Multimedia documents contain a combination of text, graphics, photographs, audio, animation,
video, and interactivity (such as hyperlinks that access web pages or software programs.
As rich media, multimedia documents can
Convey large amounts of information quickly
Engage people in multiple ways
Express emotions
Allow recipients to personalize the communication process to their own needs
Are more difficult to create than documents that contains only text and static images
To design and create multimedia documents, you need to consider the following factors:

Creative and technical skills

Tools
Time and cost
Content
Message structure
Compatibility
Desktop publishing software goes beyond word processing with more advanced layout capabilities
that accommodate photos, technical drawings, and other elements.
For online content, web publishing systems make it easy to produce great-looking web pages
quickly.
At a minimum, try to be familiar with the following word-processing features:
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Templates and style sheets

Page setup
Column formatting
Paragraph formatting
Numbered and bulleted lists
Tables
Pictures, text boxes, and objects
Formal business letters usually follow certain design conventions. Most are printed on letterhead
stationery, which includes the companys name, address, and other contact information. Other
parts of the letter include:
Date
Inside Address
Salutation
Message
Complimentary Close
Signature Block
Like letters, business memos usually follow a preset design.
Memos use the following format:
Title
Date
To From
Subject
Memos usually dont use a salutation, complimentary close, or signature, although signing your
initials next to your name on the From line is standard practice in most companies.
(See Appendix A: Format and Layout of Business Documents for details.)

Proofreading Your Message

Proofreading is the quality inspection stage for your documents, your last chance to make sure that
your document is ready to carry your messageand your reputationto the intended audience.
Review your document for
Undetected mistakes from the writing, design, and layout stages
Mistakes that crept in during production
Several techniques can help you proofread more effectively:
Make multiple passes.
Use perceptual tricks (such as reading each page backward).
Double-check high-priority items.
Give yourself some distance.
Be vigilant.
Stay focused.
Review complex electronic documents on paper.
Take your time.
The amount of time you need to spend on proofreading depends on
Document length
Document complexity
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Situation

Distributing Your Message

When planning your distribution consider
Cost
Convenience
Time
Security and privacy

COMMUNICATION MISCUES (p. 150)

Missing the Message with Prescription Medications
1. When it comes to labeling medications, prioritizing information effectively can be a matter of life
and death. For example, information on how many prescription refills are allowed should never
distract patients from information on the potentially serious side effects of a prescription drug.
While its important for patients to be aware of refill information, its far more vital for them to
be well-informed about how taking the drug may affect them in undesirable ways.
2. Answers will vary, but some examples might include traffic signs that are obscured by
vegetation, missing, or difficult to read; or confusing instructions on how to assemble
recreational equipment such as a bicycle rack. It is important for students to recognize that
completing a business message involves more than simply evaluating words and punctuation:
it requires taking an audience-centered approach to every aspect of the message, including its
format and readability.

COMMUNICATION CHALLENGES AT MERCEDES-AMG (p. 168)

Individual Challenge
To complete this exercise, students should apply the guidelines listed on p. 155. The original
statement contains a number of unnecessary words and phrases (to which), use of passive voice
(such as, The protection of your privacy ,), and other elements that should be shortened or
deleted to make the message more effective.
One possible revision [85 words]:
Daimler appreciates your interest in our products. Your privacy is important to us and we want
you to feel comfortable visiting our site. We process personal data collected during visits to our
web site according to the legal provisions of the countries in which the web sites are
maintained. To protect customers privacy, Daimlers data protection policy complies with the Data
Protection Code of Conduct. The Daimler web site may include, however, links to other web
sites which are not covered by this privacy statement.

Team Challenge
One possible revision: To protect customers privacy, Daimlers data protection policy complies with the
Data Protection Code of Conduct.

TEST YOUR KNOWLEDGE (p. 169)

1. The three main tasks involved in revising a business message are (1) evaluating content and
organization, (2) reviewing style and readability, and (3) proofreading the final product.
2. Students may mention such points as keeping ideas organized, sentence lengths varied, and
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paragraphs short. They might also discuss using lists and bulleted items (to help busy readers
who tend to skim a message) and using headings to give readers clues about whats to
follow.
3. Students can list a number of specific functions for headings, describing their use as
organizational tools, attention-getting devices, and links that help readers follow the logic
and organization of your ideas. For example, the benefits of headings include providing a
one-glimpse overview of a documents organization, grouping related paragraphs, and creating
short sections of material that otherwise might appear overwhelming to a busy reader. As
attention-getters, headings can lead readers to information they need (or show readers what
they can skip) and, if well written, can entice readers to read material more deeply.
4. A document can be made more concise by including just whats necessary and composing clear
sentences with no unneeded words and phrases, short rather than overly long words and
phrases, no redundancies, and no It is or There are starters.
5. One computer tool for revising messages is word-processing software, which allows you to
manipulate text by adding, deleting, pasting, and replacing text, as well as merging files.
Other computerized revision tools include the spell checker, thesaurus, and grammar checker.
6. Parallel construction means using the same grammatical pattern for two or more similar
ideas. Writers can achieve parallel construction simply by repeating the pattern in words,
phrases, clauses, or entire sentences.
7. Using verbs instead of noun phrases keeps a message clear, brief, and lively.
8. White space provides contrast with the text, giving readers a resting point as they scan the
document. Headings serve as an invitation for readers to become involved in the message. They
also guide readers through the organization of the message content.
9. Proofreading for spelling mistakes and other errors is important because readers view the
writers attention to detail as a sign of professionalism. Also, when readers notice even small
errors, they wonder whether the writer is really reliable.
10. The factors to consider include cost, convenience, time, security, and privacy.

APPLY YOUR KNOWLEDGE (p. 170)

1. Setting a document aside lets you approach the revision process with a fresh eye. During the
break, you may think of something you should include or exclude. With a fresh perspective,
youre more apt to catch errors or recognize unclear language. And, if youre feeling angry or
emotional, time away allows you to think more logically and remove any emotion from your
message.
2.
3. It is worthwhile to spend extra time on the beginning and ending of a message because these
sections have the greatest impact on your audience.
4. You can demonstrate good business judgment when it comes to multimedia documents by
checking for the following factors: Creative and technical skills, Tools, Time and cost, Content,
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Message structure, and Compatibility.

5. Customers are often at a disadvantage in buyer-seller disputes because companies can devote
the resources of full-time specialists to contracts and other legal matters. Consequently, both
the company and whatever legal authority rendered the decision have an ethical obligation to
make sure all parties understand the matter at hand, which may best be accomplished by using
plain English.

PRACTICE YOUR KNOWLEDGE (pp. 170-173)

Messages for Analysis (p. 170)
Message 6.A
Here is one possible revision:
The North American Personal Motorsports Marketing Association (NAPMMA) is committed to
helping our members achieve their business objectives. We assist dealers of motorcycles, all-terrain
vehicles, snowmobiles, and personal watercraft by communicating with government agencies about
important issues. We also educate the public on the safe and enjoyable operation of personal
motorsports vehicles.
Message 6.B
Here is one possible revision:
Dear Ms. Giraud:
Here is the copy of your manuscript, Careers in Woolgathering, which you submitted to
Framingham Press. Because our publishing program focuses solely on business, I must return
the manuscript to you.
In reading through the first two chapters, I made a few notes in the margin that you may find
useful.
Since you live in Boston, you might submit the manuscript to Cambridge Heritage Press,
which has published works on handicrafts and artwork similar to yours.
Good luck with your book.
Sincerely,

Arthur J. Cogswell
Editor
Enclosure: Manuscript
Message 6.C
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Here is one possible revision:

Gross Domestic Product
The most commonly used measure of a countrys economic output is gross domestic product
(GDP). A GDP measure a countrys outputthe production, distribution, and use of goods and
services. The products may be produced by either domestic or foreign companies as long as the
production takes place within a nations boundaries. Sales from a Honda assembly plant in
California, for instance, would be included in the U.S. GDP, even though Honda is a Japanese
company.
GDP has largely replaced an earlier measure called the gross national product (GNP), which
excludes the value of production from foreign-owned businesses within a nations boundaries and
includes receipts from the overseas operations of domestic companies. GNP considers who is
responsible for the production; GDP considers where the production occurs.

Exercises (P. 170)

6.1

Heres one example of how students might revise the paragraph for improved readability by
removing wordiness, shortening some sentences for clarity and others to vary tempo, and
eliminating extraneous information to shorten the paragraph overall:
Although major league baseball remains popular, more people are attending minor league
games. They can save on admission, snacks, and parking and still enjoy the excitement of
Americas pastime. Connecticut, for example, has three AA minor league teams. They play in
relatively small stadiums, so fans get a close-up experience of everything from the swing of
the bat connecting with the ball to the thud of that ball landing in an outfielders glove. Best
of all, it costs less to take the whole family. They can watch baseballs rising stars for just a
fraction of what theyd pay to attend a major league game.

6.2

Forensic accounting services provide the insights you need in four important areas:
Insurance Claims Accounting and Preparation: the help you need to maximize
recovery of insured value
Dispute Advisory: assistance with discovery, expert witness testimony, and
economic analysis
Construction Consulting: support you can count on when large-scale
construction projects fail to meet schedule or budget requirements
General Investigative and Forensic Accounting Services: fraud detection and
proof of loss analysis

6.3

The shortened versions:

a. Next time you write a 100-word passage, check your average sentence length. If your
sentences average more than 16 to 20 words, try to break up some of them.
b. Dont do what the village blacksmith did. He instructed his apprentice as follows: When
I take the shoe out of the fire, Ill lay it on the anvil. When I nod my head, hit it with the
hammer. The apprentice did as he was told. Now hes the village blacksmith.
c. Unfortunately, no gadget will produce excellent writing. But using a yardstick like the
Fog Index gives us some guidelines to follow for making writing easier to read. Its two
factors remind us to use short sentences and simple words.
d. Know the flexibility of the written word and its power to convey an idea. Know how to
make your words behave so that your readers will understand.
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e. Words mean different things to different people. A word such as block may mean city
block, butcher block, engine block, auction block, or several other things.
6.4

All unnecessary words have been deleted, leaving the following:

a. consensus
b. innovations
c. long time
d. at $50
e. remains

6.5

The revised versions:

a. The old calculator isnt good for solving hard problems.
b. The pay increases must be stopped before an unusually large debt mounts.
c. The executives all agreed that Ms. Jacksons strange ways were cause for a required
meeting with the companys personnel director.
d. The upcoming sale of the companys assets delighted the companys competitors.
e. The facts indicated that the companys finances were in good shape, and so the
president became more convinced that there would be a stock dividend.

6.6

These infinitive substitutes shorten the sentences:

a. I need money to live.
b. They saw no reason to believe in the future.
c. To destroy a dream is tragic.

6.7

The following versions have fewer words:

a. soon (or a specific date)
f. perhaps
b. if
g. seldom
c. so
h. about
d. for
i. now
e. about
j. doubtless (or undoubtedly or no doubt)

6.8

Here are the pared-down versions:

a. Writing is important.
b. Prices are likely to increase.
c. Well decide that soon.
d. I will summarize this experiment when its over.
e. After she satisfactorily completed a three-week trial period, we offered her a full-time job.

6.9

With the unnecessary modifiers removed, the sentences read as follows:

a. High pay increases were given to the skilled and conscientious employees.
b. The unions proposals were inflationary, demanding, and bold.

6.10

The following versions contain no hedging:

a. Someone has entered illegally.
b. Things will get better soon.
c. Your report shows we are losing money.
d. Nancy has more influence over employees in the e-marketing department.
e. I see by your letter that youre leaving us.

6.11

With the indefinite starters removed, the sentences might read as follows:
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a. Several examples here show that Elaine cant hold a position very long.
b. A generous contribution to Mildred Cooks retirement party would be appreciated.
c. Generally reliable sources in Washington report today that the White House will soon
make an important announcement.
d. According to the rule, we cannot work overtime without permission.
e. Your working late the next three Saturdays would be great.
6.12

Rewritten with parallel construction, the sentences might read as follows:

a. Mr. Hill is expected to lecture three days a week, counsel two days a week, and write
for publication in his spare time.
b. She not only knows accounting but also reads Latin.
c. Both applicants had families, were college graduates, were in their thirties, and had
considerable experience; but they lacked social connections.
d. This book was exciting, well written, and interesting.
e. Don works hard and knows bookkeeping.

6.13

Here are the sentences with the awkward pointers removed:

a. The vice president in charge of sales is responsible for the key to 34A; the production
manager is responsible for the key to 35A.
b. The key to 34A belongs to the vice president in charge of sales, and the key to 35A
belongs to the production manager.
c. The gold-embossed keys to 34A and 35A have been given to the production manager.
d. John received his laser printer, and Megin got her dot matrix printer.
e. The walnut desk cost $300 more than the oak desk.

6.14

These versions have the modifiers in the right place:

a. We left Dallas on an airplane that was full of trash and ripped-up newspapers.
b. Ruby saw the seashell lying on the shelf.
c. Judging by the plumbing and wiring, I dont think we should buy the property.
d. Sandy took the whole afternoon to clean up her desk, which was cluttered and filthy.
e. The letter was ready to be signed after every word had been proofread.

6.15

The long strings of nouns may be broken up as follows:

a. The focus of the meeting was a discussion of deregulation of bank interest rates.
b. Following the recommendations of the government task force, we are revising our
evaluation procedures for job applicants.
c. The components of the production departments program for quality assurance include
employee training, supplier cooperation, and computerized detection equipment.
d. The plan for reducing inventory in the supermarket warehouse will be implemented next
month.
e. The graduate placement program of State Universitys business school is one of the
best in the country.

6.16

Here the subjects are closer to the verbs:

a. Trudy ran when she saw the bull pawing the ground.
b. According to Ted, who is probably the worst gossip in the office (Tom excepted), it
was Terri who mailed the wrong order.
c. In his book Investment Capital Reconsidered, William Oberstreet writes of the mistakes
made by bankers through the decades.
d. After passing up several sensible investment opportunities, Judy Schimmel invested her
inheritance in a jojoba plantation, despite the warnings of her friends and family.
e. After the warehouse fire, the worst tragedy in company history, the president of U-Stor-It
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prepared an announcement for the press: The company was on the brink of bankruptcy.
6.17

The following versions no longer have camouflaged verbs:

a. The employees adapted easily to the new rules.
b. The assessor will determine the tax due.
c. The employees identity must be verified daily.
d. The board of directors recommended that Mr. Ronson be assigned to a new division.
e. The vice president audited the books.

6.18

Students may notice that professors use various design elements to enhance readability,
including white space, headings, and sans serif typeface for heads with serif typeface for
text. They may try switching serif and sans serif typefaces to see the effect on readability,
for example.

6.19

Students should comment on the use of typefaces, white space, headings, and other design
elements on the Bloomberg website. They may offer various suggestions for improving
readability, including larger type size, more white space, and other ideas.

6.20

This exercise helps students experience the interpersonal aspect of proofreading someone
elses work and having someone else proofread their work. They may suggest several ways
to improve this kind of critiquing process, such as starting with positive comments; using a
supportive, helpful tone rather than an accusing tone when offering feedback; and being
tactful when suggesting changes.

6.21

Corrected version of the e-mail:

Our final company orientation of the year will be held on December 20. In preparation for
this session, please order 20 copies each of the policy handbook, the confidentiality
agreement, and the employee benefits manual. Please let me know if you anticipate any
delays in obtaining these materials.

6.22

Even though your company does not sell products in the local area, you still have an ethical
obligation to add the information to the website. The construction delays alone could
compromise your companys relationship with the community, and withholding information
about the delays would almost certainly tarnish the organizations image. Doing all you can
to minimize any negative effects of the construction will also aid employees who live in the
local area, since they are likely to receive questions and comments about the project from
their neighbors. Finally, posting information about the construction may help to reduce the
amount of traffic (and, ideally, the number of accidents) in the area around the plant.

EXPAND YOUR KNOWLEDGE (p. 173)

1. According to the website, its better to write out ideas in a rough format because
Knowing you'll revise, you can relax and speak your mind early in your writing process.
Since your words can be changed later, you won't worry about writing the perfect first
draft. Too often, inexperienced writers don't see this potential. They are too careful and
self-critical at the start of a project and too easily satisfied toward the end. Having
agonized through a first draft, they quickly check for grammar and mechanics and consider
themselves done.

Copyright 2010 Pearson Education, Inc. Publishing as Prentice Hall

6: Completing Business Messages

155

More experienced writers usually do just the reverse. Early on, they work at discovering
what to say, getting their ideas out onto disk or paper. They write quickly, accepting chance
discoveries, trusting hunches and gut-feelings, willingly making mistakes. Gradually,
though, they feel a need to look back over their work, to ask whether it makes sense, how
their readers will respond. Thus begins the process of revision.
When revising your message, the following questions can improve your writing: Is the style
authentic and engaging?

Does the writing have a clear sense of purpose?

Could the major divisions and sub points be presented in a better order? Are
sentences fluent, tight, and well-constructed?
Is the language precise and appropriate to the writing context?

2. The four elements of the writing context are the reader, writer, purpose, and content. As a
reader of a message, you might ask the following questions:
What sort of person wrote this?
What does the writer hope to accomplish?
How has the content been shaped by the writer's experience and motives?

3. Tightening means cutting extra words, all those that don't contribute to your message.
The following steps are ways to tighten your work:
Look for words that don't do their share of work
Use strong verbs
Don't pile up modifiers in front of nouns
Make the agent the subject
Try combining several short sentences into a longer one

Copyright 2010 Pearson Education, Inc. Publishing as Prentice Hall