Professional Documents
Culture Documents
This page contains a list of financial aid jokes and anecdotes. Financial aid
administrators should feel free to use these jokes and anecdotes to liven up
otherwise droll financial aid information nights. Where known, we've
attributed the source of these jokes and anecdotes.
Jokes
The Taxpayer Relief Act of 1997 will benefit three main types of
taxpayers: accountants, financial planners, and attorneys.
Did you hear about the banker who was arrested for embezzling
$100,000 to pay for his daughter's college education? As the
policeman, who also had a daughter in college, was leading him
away in handcuffs, he said to the banker, "I have just one question for
you. Where were you going to get the rest of the money?"
A student was standing near the college mail room with a package in
her hands and a depressed look on her face. Her friend came and
said: "What's the matter? You look pretty sad for getting a package
from home." The student replied, "My dad played a cruel trick on me.
I wrote and asked for $200 for a dictionary, and he sent me a
dictionary."
HORSE STORY
Common advice from knowledgeable horse trainers includes the
adage, "if the horse you're riding dies, get off".
Seems simple enough yet in education we don't always follow that
advice. Instead, we often choose from an array of other alternatives
which include:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Trying a new bit or bridle.
3. Switching riders.
4. Moving the horse to a new location.
5. Riding the horse for longer periods of time.
6. Saying things like, "this is the way we've always ridden this
horse".
7. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
8. Arranging to visit other sites where they ride dead horses more
efficiently.
9. Increasing the standards for riding dead horses.
10.
11.
Comparing how we're riding now with how we did ten or
twenty years ago.
12.
13.
14.
15.
Blaming the horse's parents. The problem is often in the
breeding.
TAX STORY
Supposedly this is a real letter submitted to the IRS in the midst of the
1995 weird and bizarre denial of dependents, exemptions, and
credits. The letter speaks for itself.
Dear Sirs:
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the
three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank
you. I have questioned whether these are my children or not for
years. They are evil and expensive.
It's only fair that since they are minors and not my responsibility that
the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care for these
waifs) take over. I'm writing to tell you something about them and
what to expect over the next year. You may apply next year to
reassign them to me and reinstate the deduction. This year they are
yours!
The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you
put her to work in your office where she can answer people's
questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has
not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can
name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I
think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little
expense. While you mull that over keep in mind that she has a truck.
It doesn't run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of
appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or
getting up early to driver her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend.
Oh joy. While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her
alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of
the virtues of abstinence, and in the face of overwhelming passion,
safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you
will be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate
Joycelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the problem.
Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a
little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner
himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In February I was
awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was
bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'Ing houses. In the
future would you like him delivered to the local IRS office or to
Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is
purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to
deal with it. You'll have plenty of time as he is sitting out a few days of
school after instigating a food fight. I'll take care of filing your phone
number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have
raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be
much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any
of them unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables,
vehicles, or telephones. (I'm sure that you will find telephones a
source of umimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900
and 976 numbers?)
Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite
by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21.
She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes,
beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you
will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial
Dear Sirs:
I am writing to ask for approval of my school, the College of
Cardinals, for participation in the Title IV Higher Education Act
programs of student financial assistance.
The College of Cardinals is a private institution, owned by The Lord
God. Having been in existence since at least the 4th Century, A.D.,
it should by this time have satisfied the two-year rule. It has a
capacity of 70, although there are generally from 10 to 15 vacancies
for new starts.
Our students are Most Eminent, and we are very selective. You just
about have to be a Prince to get in. The program offers training in
piety, chastity, obedience, and political intrigue. Its length varies,
as generally the students remain in the College until death,
whereupon
they are granted the degree of "Dead Cardinal." We realize that the
objective of "Dead Cardinal" is not listed in the Dictionary of
Occupational Titles. However, since it is a recognized occupation in
Heaven, we believe that this requirement also should be waived for
our
school.
We respectfully request that the requirement of a default
management
plan be waived as to our institution since, as noted above, our
students do not graduate until they are dead. Thus, there cannot be a
default problem, since all our borrowers will receive death
cancellations.
The College is fully accredited by God. If He isn't on your list of
approved accrediting agencies, surely He ought to be.
Our admissions rep, the Pope, is compensated by means of tithes
and
offerings and receives no commission.
Aid:
financial aid terms can be, one of our students sent us a loan
application with a note that said, "Enclosed is the application and
promissory note for the UNSUBSTANTIATED loan."
Related by Sherwood Johnson of CUNY:
We had a student from a very large family submit a SAR that was
selected for verification. The student was a permanent resident who
had been in this country for only a few years. We informed the
student that he was required (among other things) to verify his
household size of 12. For this the student was given a verification
form and told that he could attach a separate sheet for additional
family members. So the student took the form home for completion
and lo and behold the form came back verifying the household size
as follows (not real names):
John Smith Dad
5'9"
Jane Smith Mom
5'3"
Peter Smith Brother 5'11"
Charles Smith Brother 4'10"
Sarah Smith Sister 20" (Newborn baby)
...
I will never be able to use the phrase "verify household size" without
thinking of this case.
Related by Dan Preston, Linfield College:
A student listed his family members on a verification worksheet in the
following manner (names have been changed):
Ryan Smith self
19 MHCC
Fred Smith Father 43 none
Cathy Smith Mother 42 none
Chris Smith bother 9 none
Cameron Smith bother 6 none
Our office got quite a laugh out of his "little bothers."
Related by Julia Clayton, Associate Director of Financial Aid at the
University of Utah:
A student called one of our lenders and said, "I got my check for the
Stafford Loan today. That was nice, thanks. Now, where and when
can I pick up the check for my Family Contribution?"
Related by Ron Stamps of Xavier University:
Yesterday, a woman finally decided to call her financial aid counselor
(me) since she kept sending her SAR back to the Feds for correction
and they wouldn't correct it. I asked her which item she was
correcting. She said, "My son filed a 1040EZ and that paper keeps
saying that he filed a 1040A/EZ. Why don't they correct it?"
Related by J. Patton of USI:
A nursing student with a very high GPA got really upset because the
toll-free number printed on our missing items letter wouldn't work for
her. She ended up calling me on the local line. While she was
"chewing me out", I looked up her address on my terminal. She lives
right here in Evansville. When I explained that the toll-free number
was for long distance only, she insisted that we include that bit of
information in our letter.
Related by Troy Martin, Director of Financial Aid at Houghton College:
As I walked in to give a financial aid presentation at a local high
school last week, the guidance counselor had an overhead slide with
the following:
$$$$$$$$
GETTING INJURED ON COLLEGE PROPERTY $$$
$$$$$
$$$$$$$$ An alternative approach to financial aid $$$$$$$$
I think he was kidding...
Related by Carol Hawley of Bucknell:
Seen in the signature line of a student's post:
Jill Q. Student ... student@some-school.edu ...
and
if
the
student
loan
people
get
to
me:
student@cardboard.box.under.bridge
[The student's name and school address have been changed to
protect the student's identity.]
Related by Bob Moore, Western NV Community College:
We use a Touch-Tone Telephone Registration (TTTR) for registration.
Someone just called me and said the TTTR system told her to enter
a "10" followed by the number sign. She was confused because there
wasn't a 10 on her phone.
Then there was the student who called our office and told us she
needed a phone to do registration. We almost asked what she was
using to call us (and she was using a touch-tone phone, not a rotary).
And then there was a student who wanted to use the phones in our
office because, in her words, "they were closer to the computer." We
didn't have the heart to tell her the mainframe computer was in Reno,
thirty miles away.
laugh when the student called to see if we'd received his Declaration
of Independence and his 10-W-40!
Related by Judith A. Kotar:
A couple of weeks after the Oklahoma bombing, our student Ms. XYZ
returned to class having attended the funeral of a relative killed in the
bombing. She spent her money on the airfare and now needed
money for books. We were sympathetic until we got a copy of the
ticket. She bought it the day before the bombing.
Ms. ABC picked up her financial aid check then dropped out of
school. She had moved to a different apartment. She was too busy to
attend class because she was working more hours at her Work Study
job to pay for the apartment.
Ms. MNO had just cashed her financial aid checks at a bank. She left
her purse in the car as she dashed into the Day Care Center. When
she returned moments later her purse was gone from the front seat.
Could we please get her another Pell Grant for spring term?
Related by Rachel Siegenthaler:
I was talking to a student about his Stafford Loans and I asked him
which lender he used. He said, "...well, I got the loan from Maryland
National Bank, but they told me that they sold it to a lady named
Sallie..."
Related by Richard Woodland:
A law school student was in the financial aid office completing a
Stafford Loan Application. Being a 1st year law student, he wanted to
be sure he understood every item on the form. After about an hour of
this tedious give and take with the harried staff member, he finally got
to the question that asked for CLASS. When he questioned this item,
the exasperated clerk replied, "Class, either you got it or you don't.
Do you think you have any class? Answer Yes or No!"
Related by Jo Lopez:
1. When they said "director," I thought they said "conducter." I've always
wanted to work on a train.
1. I flunked my Army physical and had to take a lower paying job.
1. My position as a taster at Budweiser was eliminated during costcutting.
1. I thought financial aid workers got percentages of their federal
student loans forgiven for each year of service.
1. I lost my license to drive a semi and had to take a lower paying job.
1. I was over-qualified for admissions.
1. As a former politician/attorney, I wanted to improve my public image.
1. I am actually an agent with the FBI looking for students who failed to
register for the draft.
Top 10 Reasons To Be a Financial Aid Administrator (Marty Somero)
1. Don't have to worry about where to go on summer vacation.
1. Auditors know how financial aid really works!
1. Always enough money to go around.
1. Registrar approved drops - two years later.
1. Can order all the FAFSA's you want.
1. Friends and family understand exactly what you do for a living.
1. Admissions Director always satisfied with date new award letters
sent.
1. Sooner or later, bound to be right on loan fees.
1. If quick, can usually send SAP suspension letters to obnoxious
students right before Christmas.
1. It's still better then being a FED.
Top 10 Benefits of Being a Financial Aid Administrator (Sheriff Dave)
1. No salary cap like in the NBA and NFL.
1. You get all the respect of South American soccer referees and Little
League umpires.
1. You get to use the intertwined "S's" key on your word processor more
than ANYBODY else.
1. That squinty look you've acquired from reading "Federal Registers" is
considered very sexy in certain circles.
1. You get to use more acronyms than NASA or the military.
1. A lifetime supply of Florida Federal sticky notes.
1. BEOG Dial-Awards have become collectors' items.
1. You know why the Educational Savings and Asset Protection
Allowance is what it is.
1. Great press in the trade publications--just ask a former USED official!
1. Living each day with that feeling of total control.
Top 10 Reasons to Work in Financial Aid
1. The Big Package
1. Sometimes you get to make people cry
1. Drowning in SAP
1. The rules only change every 6 years with reauthorization
1. Respect and admiration from the rest of the campus
1. Students who faint in your office because they haven't eaten in 3
days
1. You too can be a WhizKid
1. Algebra finally has a use in calculating loan fees
1. Working in the area the congress holds as a #1 priority
1. Two Words -- program reviews.
Why I Choose To Be in Financial Aid
I enjoy working long hours and my evening conversations with the
custodial staff.
I enjoy working in an office cluttered with several thousand pieces of
paper.
The pay is much better than other positions at my school with similar
responsibilities.
I enjoy developing forms, having them printed, and then cutting them
up to use as scratch paper.
It's fun giving money away, especially when I have enough to give to
every student who wants it, and with no strings attached.
I like to answer every question asked by students with the words "It
depends."
I'm still afraid of being drafted -- aren't financial aid workers exempt?