Professional Documents
Culture Documents
First let Me say that in My perception of what umbrella the BDSM community covers
there are several things to include when talking about Protocol or Codes of Conduct.
BDSM, to Me, represents the entire SM/leather/fetish communities. Leather protocol
and codes of conduct can be very different than what you are actually looking for.
Leather protocols, in My opinion, refer mostly to the way the old motorcycle club,
gay leathermen, Old Guard, GLBT (Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgendered) folk and
others handle protocol's.
Fetish Protocol refers to a just as varied group, which includes spanko's, rubber
enthusiasts, foot fetishists, etc...
SM protocol is what most people mean when they ask for BDSM or Leather protocols
and codes of conduct.
That is not to say that if you are interested in one of those other things that I am
against it. Rather, what I'm trying to say is that if you are interested in "Leather
Protocol" or "Leather Codes of Conduct", you won't find it here. Nor will you find
fetish protocols here. I live by SM protocols. So that is what I know and that is what I
will try to briefly touch on.
Sometimes people get into a belief that they are learning proper SM protocols because
they went to a Leather Protocol educational class. Then they come out feeling
alienated or confused, because I know I have, having been to many BDSM parties
over many years that were high protocol parties and yet I have never experienced a lot
of the things that I heard at a Leather Protocol educational course.
Now, please try and remember that this is not to be considered as all encompassing, or
even as gospel. It is meant as a general guide to making sure that when you attend a
BDSM play party or interact at a BDSM munch or with others that do WIITWD
(What it is that we do), you will at least have a little background and knowledge so
you don't feel like a fool, out of place or that you're going to embarrass yourself.
I have always considered WIITWD as BDSM and My involvement has been in the
BDSM scene, not just SM or Leather or Fetish, so that is the way I will relate this
page. I will also write from the Dominant's point of view, because that's what I am. I
won't try to explain every point of view from every politically correct angle, but this
can work for either male or female, Top or bottom. And although there is a difference,
I will use Top, Dominant and Master almost interchangeably, as well as submissive,
bottom and slave, for purposes of this article. I will also use the male form for the Top
and the female form for the bottom. Again, this is strictly for the sake of the article
and simplicity and is not to be mistaken for anyone thinking that I do not believe in or
agree with any other types of situations. And all of this information is My opinion and
should not be mistaken for legal, religious or medical advice.
Part of this material comes from other pages on this site, so you know it's not just deja
vu!
What's first?
When you first walk in to a BDSM gathering or get off the Internet and go to R/T
pursuits of your interest, things may seem a bit overwhelming for you, whether you're
a Top or a bottom. And the first question is, "How should I behave?"
Well, like in most real life situations, try honesty, sincerity and courtesy as a good
place to start. And be polite.
Is there more?
BDSM is, by definition, about procedures and protocol. Although there are no written
"SOP's" (because as varied as the population is, is as varied as the protocols may be),
there are several behaviors that are standards for the community.
Read and be familiar with the rules of the party You attend.
All play should be consensual.
Normal scene etiquette is a must (i.e., Do not interfere with a scene, do not invade
scene space, etc).
Do not touch another individual without first getting permission.
Do not touch another's toys or toy bags without first getting permission.
Even if you have permission to touch it, ask again before swinging, cracking or
popping it.
NEVER touch a collared person's collar!
Before talking to anyone wearing a collar, try to find their Dominant first, and ask His
permission.
Keep conversation, laughter and comments to a minimum in the play areas.
Do not monopolize the equipment.
Do NOT join a scene unless specifically asked to do so!
Clean up after your scene.
Honest, open and respectful negotiation is acceptable.
You are expected to know that other people might ask you to play. There is a wide
variety of play that is possible.
The person who asks is expected to be polite, and to respect the collar of anyone who
is collared, or to respect the relationships of other couples or leather families.
If you want to play with the person who asks, you are welcome to say, "Yes."
If you do not want to play with the other person, you are expected to say, "No."
If you do not want to play with the other person, but say, "Yes," or do not "safeword"
(if that is what is necessary to prevent unwanted play), then you have violated their
trust. If you ask someone to play, and they say, "No," you are expected to respect their
wishes.
Safewords are considered part of normal scene etiquette.
Not all participants are open with their families and employers about their BDSM
involvement, sexual orientation or personal fetishes, so information about other
participants is not to be shared without the direct consent of the person in question.
Never take pictures without the consent of all parties involved.
Do not mention proper names or describe a person in such a way that their identity
may be determined, without consent of that person.
Never give out addresses of play parties except to your sponsored guests (with the
permission of the host)..
Never give out e-mail addresses without consent of that person.
SM events and use SM protocols, codes of conduct, rules of behavior or normal scene
etiquette, you will do just fine.
And don't mistake "Leather Protocol" with "SM Protocol". It can be confusing!