Fishes

Diego E. Osorno O.
Marifer Osorno O.
Alejandro Ochoa G.

Undisturbed Ellipse

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Fishes

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 Fishes

Diego E. Osorno O.
Marifer Osorno O.
Alejandro Ochoa G.

Undisturbed Ellipse

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© 2009 by Undisturbed Ellipse

All rights reserved under Pan American and International Copyright Conventions.

No part of this e-booklet may be reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission form the publisher, except in the
case of brief quotations embodied in reviews and articles.

Guadalajara, Jalisco, Mexico

Made in Mexico
Hecho en México
Fatto in Messico
Publié au Mexique
Editado no México
Ausgabe in Mexiko

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NOTA BENE: Almost all of the following data about fish are
false.

1. Giant moray eel:

A rare teleost fish, living in the deep waters of the Mediterranean
Sea. It is very greedy, and bloodthirsty, as it has even devoured
children.

2. Cell phone fish or mobile phone fish:

When a sailor or a diver forgets his/her cellular phone, this fish
gets out of the sea, then, the human being and the sea animal
agree to see at what time of the day the latter shall have to ring,
and when it rings, it goes before the sailor or diver so he can talk
by phone through the fish. It is very useful in emergencies, and
completely free, but it is not able to receive calls, it can be used
only for making calls. Without the abuses that are characteristic of
the profiteer Mexican telephone companies. Especially the large
ones (Telmex/Telcel and Telefonica/Movistar).

3. Avenger fish:
When this fish is killed by another fish, it raises from its tomb
within 30 days, and becomes a kind of spear or arrow (depending
on the variety to which it belonged), rises in the air about 33 yards
to take impulse in order to enter as a missile into the seawater to
kill accurately the murderer (if the latter has since died, then the
avenger fish will kill any fish or human being who goes around,
swimming or floating near; the purpose is to “revenge”
something). Sometimes it even flies and kills animals or people
who are thousands of miles inland (elephants, lions, human
beings, owls, horses, cows, et cetera.). It is invincible and never
(which is called nev-er) fails. It could be very useful to kill
murderers and corrupt politicians in Mexico. The Mexican private
initiative is making efforts for an expert Dutch trainer to come and

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train fishes of this species for this purpose.

4. Chalk fish:
This fish, when newborn is black, but when it reaches adulthood
turns sky blue or white. There are sextillions of individuals, their
capture is easy and after being dried in the sun, they can be used
as chalk in schools, especially in impoverished countries like
Haiti, Nicaragua, El Salvador, Honduras, et cetera, before the
acute shortage of chalk suffered in those pygmaean nations. One
disadvantage is that it impregnates the fingers of teachers with a
stinking odor during up to five years, but there is so much misery
in those countries, and so dedicated are the professors, that they
stoically tolerate the stench. Cuba’s former President Fidel Castro
has asked for a few millions of these specimens for Cuba, but
because of the U.S. embargo, a supply has not been possible.

5. Plasticine fish:
When children have nothing to play with, they catch specimens of
this species and begin to manipulate them. Once dead, they turn
into plasticine, very malleable. The stench in the face or hands
lasts only about two hours after the children have stopped playing
or manipulating the plasticine fish.

6. Oxygen fish:
It has an oral cavity five yards in depth and eats a lot, up to almost
fill that cavity. It excretes water through large holes near its dorsal
fin, this water is so superoxygened, that provides oxygen to the
other fishes. It is a fish highly prized by environmentalists and
most other fish species.

7. Flatfish:
Specimens of this species are white when they start their live, but
near the dorsal fin they have a dot that can be brown, black or

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cherry color (burgundy). When this fish has grown up, it becomes
flat and its skin surface reaches a size of up to 194 square feet and
takes a color according to the tone of the above mentioned dot. It
is very popular in Mexico because it has become a very
economical way to manufacture high quality footwear, and
despite its skin is very cheap, it lasts up to ten times more than
cattle leather, and it has also the advantage of no longer need to
use ink or pigments for coloring. Of course, it cannot be used to
make white, honey-colored, beige, blue, green, et cetera, shoes.

8. Death fish:
It begins its life in the surface of the sea or close to it. Then it
begins to fall or descend until it touches the bottom of the sea and
explodes, dies and kills every living being that happens to be up to
five miles around. According to studies and statistics from the
year 1690, it has caused more human deaths than all shark species
combined.

9. Fish saved from death:

Similar to death fish, the only difference is that when it falls into
the sea, four wings appear out of its body, it flies inside the water
and then it does so in the air, and saves its life. It is a much rarer
species than the fish referred to in item 8.

10. Mirror fish:

When this fish begins to live, it shows one of two colors: gray, or
blue. Females are much appreciated, as they grow up to five by
four yards, and when they reach adulthood are very flat, with a
maximum thickness of ¼ inch (approximately, six millimeters)
and with a very pure silver color. Also, it seems they have been
polished by the best craftsmen. It is a highly prized and costly
fish, used by women, decorators, men, et cetera, as a mirror,
lasting up to 150 years without deteriorating, not affected by any

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acid or combination of them and it is absolutely unbreakable.

11. Pen fish I (please see #53):

This fish’s tail ends in a sharp point, with a central channel. This
fish eats octopuses, which once in their stomach grinds and filters
the ink from the corpses of the octopuses to its sharp point. When
it comes to fish prized for its ink is very valuable and thin, either
black or blue, depending on the color of the octopus that has
swallowed (or a mixture of colors). When it eats human beings,
produces red ink, of a slightly lower quality than that coming from
octopuses.

12. Stinking fish:

This fish eats corpses of all kinds, plants, animals, human beings.
It excretes through its skin a bad-smelling substance that repels all
potential predators, hence the peculiar name of this scavenger.

13. School fish:

When a child is going to do his homework, instead of consulting a
computer, he/she can consult the school fish, it is more useful, and
also free. Of course he/she must live in a port or a beach or a
coastal area. Specimens of this species are great sages and
polyglots.

14. Light bulb fish:

Specimens of this species have a frontal light bulb that emits light
beams of up to 4,000 watts, thanks to the huge amount of
phosphorus they consume at a rate of one ton per minute (each of
these fishes; they are very greedy). When they are caught in nets
or by hook, are used to illuminate buildings, streets, et cetera, as
their phosphoric reserve, once the fishes are dead, lasts up to forty
years. Officials of the Federal Electricity Commission (Power
Company) have denied their existence, for obvious reasons.

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15. Freezing fish:
There are billions of specimens of this species. They eat sand, and
defecates very frozen ice spheres at minus 40 degrees Fahrenheit
[–40º F] (a temperature which is also minus 40 degrees Celsius or
centigrade [–40º C], because at this point both scales coincide);
these spheres are highly valued in the coastal beaches and bars
and pubs, because they are cheaper and more durable than ice
cubes made by profiteer American and Mexican ice companies;
besides, the ice spheres produced by the famous freezing fish
leave its body already completely sanitized and are utterly
unspoiled and uncontaminated.

16. Competition fish:

Very similar to the above mentioned one. Once it is fished, but
before it dies, the fisherman asks it what it wants to become,
flavored water ice on a stick or very frozen pure ice, the fish
responds instantly and acts accordingly through a complicated
biochemical process, but its flavor is more unpleasant than the
water ices on sticks or the regular ice cubes because it has the
taste and smell of fish, but in the port of Guaymas (State of
Sonora, Northwest Mexico) they have invented a pill that
deodorize it and make it tasteless.

17. Powder fish:

This fish, when comes up to the surface of seawater and expires
(whether by accident or because it is fished) becomes a gelatinous
mass, and after a maximum of two hours becomes the finest dust,
the more pure and impalpable powder that may exist. It is used to
feed cattle or goats, as well as cats, without any processing, since
even it has an enzyme that acts as a natural preservative. It may be
stored in the most adverse moisture and temperature conditions
and even so it lasts without spoiling for up to 200 years. Grade

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U.S.P. * 100 percent guaranteed. (* United States
Pharmaceutical.)

18. ATK fish:

Its maximum life span is 15 years, it spends ten years out of the
water, and five years inside the water. When someone wants to
attack, it, it throws poisonous spines. And if you want to touch it
with special instruments to fish (net, baits, et cetera), it makes
blow up the instrument and attacks (ATK) very quickly.

19. Eye fish:

This one has sextillions of embryonic eyes inside its head, next to
the front of the brain, but it only uses two already developed eyes
to see, in the normal position in which almost all of the fishes
have their eyes. But when someone tells it that the world is
experiencing shortages of balls for hand-pelota (a ball game
played with one’s bare hands), racquetball or tennis, it begins to
increase the size of its embryonic eyes and expel them from the
eye-sockets at a rate of three hundred thousands per second until a
human being indicates it to stop. Once dry, these millions of eye
balls are used as hand-pelota, racquetball or tennis balls,
according to the variety of the species of this fish. The eye fish
with a yellow tail (caudal fin) expels tennis balls; the eye fish with
a white tail expels hand-pelota balls; and the eye fish with a gray
tail expels racquetball balls.

20. Clock fish:

This fish has two large and fine side fins, one longer than the
other. When a diver, sailor, et cetera, has forgotten his/her watch,
asks the fish, by means of a sign made with his/her right index
finger on his/her left wrist, what time is. The friendly fish “stands
up” before the human being (whether inside the sea water or
above it), and per the position of their two fins in an imaginary

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clock face informs the man/woman about the exact time of the
time zone in which they occur. It is the most intelligent fish out of
all of them. And at the sea, only the squid and octopus species are
more intelligent than it. Nobody on the land excels it in
intelligence, not even human beings. Hence it can and must be
inferred that the most intelligent beings on the planet Earth are: a)
the squid, b) the octopus, c) the clock fish, and d) the human
being, in that order.

21. Sawfish:
This fish is used by carpenters. The back of its body takes the
form of a Hurst lever (as the ones used in some sport cars), to be
grasped easily. It is used to cut wood, veneer, plywood, and so on.
Its body should always be returned to the sea, where it returns to
life.

22. Weather fish:

No living being can attack this fish without dying. Such a living
being would die immediately, because if the attacker likes the
cold weather the fish produces temperatures of up to one billion
degrees Fahrenheit or Celsius, while if the attacker is comfortable
in the heat or warmth, the weather fish (which is also an
omniscient soothsayer) produces an ultraglacial cold of up to
minus 459 degrees Fahrenheit (–459º F) to kill the smug attacker.

23. Zodiac fish:

This unique fish, about one inch long, abundant in the seven seas
(id est, in all of the oceans), has two very fine and very long
antennae with which it finds all of the people who belongs to the
zodiac sign Pisces and who travel on ships, cruises, ferries, boats,
et cetera, and when it finds them, transforms its antennae in a very
potent biopropeller with which it leaves the water at high speed
and flies through the air, at about six miles per second, reaches the

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decks of boats and giving a poisonous bite kills the Pisceans,
because it hates them because it considers they are traitors, as
having been born under the sign of Pisces, they live in the land
and not in the water. It also attacks bathers at beaches and coastal
areas. It has a venom so powerful and concentrated that a few
molecules of it is enough to kill a whale or up to 40 human
beings.

24. Swordfish of the 21st century:

This little animal, as it grows up, becomes thinner and is
metallized so that when it dies, it takes the shape of a sword,
tougher than the best Japanese steel-molybdenum alloy. Widely
used in the States of Sinaloa, Sonora, Nayarit, Tamaulipas and
Veracruz by followers of the three musketeers. Also there are
many specimens of this fish species in areas of some Mexican
states: Tabasco, Chiapas, Oaxaca, and Guerrero, but in such
states, as the people are so miserable, they do not have enough
money as to buy one, because of its high price, each one comes to
cost from U.S. $6,000.00 to U.S. $10,000.00.

25. Bag fish:

This fish grows and grows and grows so big that upon reaching
adulthood, it sizes up to 2 × 3 yards. The specimens of this species
are used as garbage bags. And this is for free.

26. Saline fish:

This vertebrate animal is almost as big as a whale. It eats and
processes up to three tons of sand per hour, which is turned into
salt, through a complex biochemical and nuclear process that
transforms a part of the silicon (atomic number 14) into sodium
(atomic number 11) and another part into chlorine (atomic number
17)*, which then are chemically combined to integrate the
compound called sodium chloride, or common salt. In its

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abdominal cavity it has an organ that looks like an atomic reactor,
and also another one similar to a cyclotron. It vomits several tons
of gray salt per minute, which is washed, purified and bleached by
larahuies indians (very belligerent and hard workers, this latter
quality being a very rare thing among Mexicans, and even more in
the case of indians), and then this salt is sold in areas of the
Mexican Pacific coast.

* The saline fish subtracts three protons, three electrons and a

number of neutrons out of each of some of the atoms of silicon
(14 – 3 = 11), in order to create atoms of sodium (11), then it adds
those three protons, three electrons and several neutrons to each of
some other atoms of silicon (14 + 3 = 17) in order to create atoms
of chlorine (17).

27. Ornament-gold fish:

This beautiful gold fish when adult is about the size of a man’s
hand. It is very rare, and 96 percent of its body consists of 24-
carat gold (inside) but her skin is a tough, transparent glass layer
several millimeters thick, which makes it impossible for any
practical use of the golden metal, as this layer is absolutely
unbreakable, fireproof and impervious to any combination of
acids; it is said that not even by the use of nuclear power they
have been able to open it in Switzerland, much less in the United
States of America. Often used only as an ornament or paperweight
on top of desks, bookcases, et cetera.

28. Gold fish:

This bizarre fish consumes sand and phytoplankton and defecate
formations of egg-shaped gold, each one weighing about seven
ounces (some 200 grams). It is very shy. The last time someone
saw a specimen was in 2003, off the Western Coast of Honshu
island (Japan), but when the diver tried to catch it, the wily

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creature accelerated its tremendous dorsal, lateral and caudal
fluttering, and managed to escape, leaving a trail of 83 pieces of
solid gold stool at the bottom of the sea, which were picked up by
the frog man (more than 37 pounds of 24-carat pure gold). The
lucky one, Harumi Ohba, bought a house, and a luxury sport car
in Kianoyama City, where he dwells. Also, he plans to marry
soon. Female fishes of this species are rarer, and more
appreciated, as they lay real eggs weighing 18 ounces each (about
500 grams), on average.

29. Platinum fish:

Similar to the previous one, only it defecates platinum instead of
gold. These are even rarer. Invaluable.

30. Silver fish:

Similar to the above, but much less appreciated, since silver is
worth less and if you put a large quantity of silver on board of
your boat, it may sink. In fact, the 14th day of October, 2004,
three avaricious men almost drowned. Their boat sank off the port
of Manzanillo, state of Colima, Mexico.

31. Martian fish:

Remnants of a warrior alien invasion from Mars that happened in
the year 42755 B.C. In their flying saucer-shaped ships they
brought fish tanks with salt water, and threw thousands of these
fish off the coast of what is now Chile. They are characterized by
their red color and a colorful sword-shaped dorsal fin (with which
they fight against their fellows). When they die, their fellow bury
them under the seabed, where they have generated red oil, which
has been easier and cheaper to refine than “black oil”, but very
difficult to mine.

32. Moonface fish:

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This large fish often jump at night up to 2,000 feet above the
surface of sea water, then, reaching a maximum height precludes
the planet’s gravity and floats in the middle of the atmosphere for
up to four minutes, it lights itself and tricks marine and cruise ship
tourists, it seems another moon, even on moonlit nights at certain
points of the ocean seems to have two satellites, and observers are
wondering if they are hallucinating, or drunk, which is more
common, but not because they see “two moons”, but the cause is
the positioning of this wonderful fish to look like another moon.

33. Sphere fish:

After dying it turns rotten and releases foul-smelling ink. This
kind of ink is used by poor people, as it is dirt cheap.

34. Finger/thumb fish:

This animal is useful when treating finger/thumb amputees,
because it has the structure, weight, shape, texture, vitality and
appearance of a human finger or thumb. Must be caught with a
net, never by hook, please keep it alive until reaching the hospital
or clinic where the surgery will be performed, and it must be
grafted live (do not worry; it dies after).

35. Flavored water ice on a stick fish:

It is sweet, and emits colored fluids, and it can be frozen. Once
dead, when applying acupuncture in one place or another, gives
flavors of pineapple, guava, soursop, mango, lemon, strawberry,
melon, myrtle, walnut, et cetera, depending on the point you
puncture. A group of acupuncturists came from Shanghai to train
hitherto clumsy Mexicans in the handling of this fish in order to it
can give the desired flavors and can sell flavored water ice on
sticks and compete against the Michoacan people of the town of
Tocumbo (land of flavored water ice on sticks) and against Jalisco
people of the town of Mexticacan (also land of flavored water ice

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on sticks)..

36. Die fish:

After its death it becomes very hard, and they use it at the dice
game tables (craps) in Las Vegas, Reno, Carson City (Nevada),
Atlantic City (New Jersey), Monte Carlo, Barcelona, Bangkok, et
cetera, but not in casinos of Caribbean cruises, or cruises in
general, as this fish does not allow cheating.

37. Wheat flour tortilla fish:

Before its death it expels all of the ink it can have in its stomach.
At the time of its death, it expels all of its organs (including eyes,
teeth, et cetera). Its muscles, consisting of amino acids, become
special carbohydrates. It has no scales. After having fished and
shaken it, it is ready to be put on the griddle. Typically used to
accompany Sonoran or Argentinean style steaks. Cheap and fast.

38. Contact lens fish:

About the size of the cetacean mammal called whale, this fish has
millions of scales of different thicknesses, membranous, very fine,
which are removed from its skin to be used as contact lenses. It
has caused the bankruptcy of thousands of contact lenses’
manufacturers. There are even varieties that have colored scales,
with no diameter, for the ladies who like to “change” the color of
their eyes. This fish is scraped and then is returned alive to the
sea. After two weeks there will be a new cover of scales. These
fishes are tremendous, causing the suicide of directors and
shareholders of the companies mentioned above and many
ophthalmologists, especially those who are profiteers.

39. Solid shampoo fish:

At the time of death becomes a kind of solid shampoo (similar to
the consistency of toilet soaps branded Shield or Zest), very

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useful, even for washing babies' hair.

40. Pocket fish:

It can replace pockets sewed in garments when badly worn. You
do not need needle or thread or sewing machine, because after
death, when it is placed over the site of a ragged pocket in pants,
shirt, skirt, jacket, coat, suit, shorts, sweater, etcetera, it
resuscitates for a few seconds and sews itself (with his teeth and
using a long thread that it spews out of its mouth) to the garment
in question within 15 seconds, then takes the color, pattern, and
texture of the fabric of clothing and he dies again, not to rise
again. If another pocket of the garment is torn, you will need
another fish. There is one limitation, however: a fish of this
species never replaces another one, so if you damage a pocket that
has already been patched with a specimen of this species of fish
(Ichthynius pocketis), it is best to throw the garment away.

41. Big spider fish:

With its slime, it weaves nets in the deep ocean. These nets are
impervious to salt water. Has caused problems for underwater
navigation, and American, Russian, Chilean, British, and French
fleet admirals do not know what to do, as since 1992 an average
of 17 submarines per year have been caught in these arachnoid
nets.

42. Mouth fish:

After its sanitization, it can replace the human mouth when an
accident occurs, with the advantage that the teeth are more
resistant, stronger and more beautiful, and nobody will notice the
difference. Even in Thailand, Japan and Venezuela there have
been known cases of women who stab or hit themselves their
mouth with steel pipes, in order to damage or destroy it, and then
ask the doctors to retire it and implant a specimen of this fish, the

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“mouth fish”, as they had horrible deformities or dentures, or even
damaged by cigarette smoking. This fish abounds in the Gulf of
Mexico, especially off Boca del Rio (“Mouth of the River”), just
south of the port of Veracruz, so this city –Boca del Rio– receives
millions of dollars annually, because this fish is requested from
many parts of the world.

43. Tongue fish:

It serves to replace the human tongue, in cases of cancer,
accidents and so on. Somewhat rare, it is seen off the coast of
Ecuador.

44, 45, 46, 47, 48. Eye fish, nose fish, breast fish, ear fish, lip fish:
Similar to one abovementioned, these can replace the
corresponding human organs/parts.

49. Butterfly fish:

When it exits the water, flies for a while, then falls, dies and is
used as a cloth for drying dishes in the kitchen.

50. Pigment fish:

After being fished, it can be thrown in a bucket of water and
becomes a low-priced good latex paint. If you throw it in thinner,
it can be used as automotive paint. There are 90 varieties and
colors, including pearlescent and pigmented metal, metalloids,
rare hues, and so on.

51. Fritter fish:

A sweet cinnamonized fish; when it dies and dries in the sun, one
does not even need to fry it.

52. Timber fish:

Of soft consistency immediately after death, this fish serves to

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repair wooden furniture, since when more than five hours have
elapsed, it becomes as hard as the best wood.

53. Pen fish II (please see #11):

This fish drops an ink so concentrated that a single fish of this
species (Piscium tinctus) lasts from kindergarten until any student
completes his/her bachelor’s, master’s, or doctor’s degree. But it
has a peculiarity: when a journalist takes it in his/her hands, it
does not work and this smart animal escapes by flying, always
going to the northeast, where another person (other than a
journalist, especially an unskilled journalist) can take it and use it.

54. Drain cap for swimming pool fish:

Very useful, because without contaminating the pool, the owner
can throw two specimens to the pool: one is going to drop and eat
the rubber or plastic man-made cap, and then serves as a drain
cap, while the second fish swims near (without contaminating and
never eating nor defecating), just in case. When the owner wants
to empty the pool, it is enough to come close to the pool and blow
four long whistles with a whistle of a football referee; then the
fish will hear a quartet of whistles and will remove itself, so the
water can be drained. Then, both, it and its teammate, clean the
swimming pool by the use of their fast caudal fins –and here
comes the most interesting thing, without using soap or shampoo,
and without charging a red penny– in less than half an hour.
Subsequently, once the pool has been filled, they go into the water
and become “chlorine” (sodium hypochlorite) and both die,
without polluting; on the contrary, they purify the water and are
bactericidal. They are low-priced, and the owner of the house or
club or swimming school can buy easily the amount he/she needs.
He/she must be careful and purchase them little by little, as
required, because if he/she buys six or more at a time, there will
be problems, as the fishes get mad and can kill and eat the spouse

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or servants/maids or gardener of the landlord/landlady, owner, or
manager of the club or swimming school.

Originally written in Spanish on Monday, the 18th day of

July, 2005, in Guadalajara, State of Jalisco, Mexico.

Translated from Spanish into English and proofread on

Tuesday, the 13th day of October, 2009.

Uploaded to the web on Thursday, October 15, 2009.

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