Marriage Seminar

Introduction:
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Why this topic?

Because not all bad decisions have the same level of harmful consequences. But
marriage - has far-reaching and far-lasting consequences plus your decision not only
affects you but often many others around you and usually for a long time. So important
to be faithful to God by being wise.

Being wise matters a lot to God: God cares a lot about how and why we do things, so
the process matters. How we make decisions matters to God a lot. We aim for
faithfulness not because it guarantees the results we want, but because that pleases and
honors God and you will be rewarded for it on the Judgment Day. So what Im going to
share with you is just that: how to be wise regarding this topic.

What this is not: This isnt a formula for guaranteeing a best possible marriage. So
please dont think that only if I find a man who meets the following criteria, that means
I will have the best marriage as in, it will be happy & easy.

1. WHAT: Biblical expectations for marriage

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Indications that marriage is your idol: if you are turning mainly or only to your
spouse to meet your deepest needs intimacy, approval, acceptance, love, security,
protection, .

What marriage is not: Marriage is not an end in itself. Single or married, being with
God for all eternity is the end goal. Marriage, like everything else in your life should
merely be a means to helping you reach that goal. Marriage should be something that
helps you to achieve that end: making it into the Kingdom.

The main question should be: will we make good companions in helping each other
to seek first the kingdom of God?

Common misconception: that marriage exists to make you happy. That the main job of
your spouse is to make you happy. And therefore, we should look for someone who
makes me happy. For example, the common response to the question why do you
want to marry him/her is because she/he makes me happy. But that cant be the
reason you marry someone because thats not your husbands main job.

Your husbands primary calling in marriage: to help you and to minister to you so
that you will love, trust and obey Christ more and more. And often, this process isnt
very pretty because we are sinners.

Why marriage is so hard: Dont romanticize this process of being sanctified together
in marriage. To quote Keller, again, it entails blood, sweat and tears.

Of course theirs is encouragement and comfort in marriage, but marriage is hard

because marriage brings out and exposes your and your husbands ugly sins that
normally dont surface outside of marriage context. Moreover, it will expose your
inability to love, inability to be faithful, to be patient, to be kind (the list goes on) all
kinds of inabilities that no other relationship will reveal because in marriage, you cant
run away.

For adults and not for kids: Romance is easy relative to marriage. You dont have to
be an adult to know how to romance someone. Kids can do that. (Little responsibility &
commitment come with having to romance someone). But you do have to be an adult to
be married. Marriage isnt for kids. Marriage is hard. Godly marriage requires a lot of
work. So you dont want to equate romance with marriage.

In summary: marriage is not just about romance or being happy in this life, but
marriage is about walking with someone and being sanctified together. Marriage if
healthy and godly - is supposed to help you love, trust, and obey Christ more and more.

2. WHEN: Readiness - How do you know that are ready?

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FIRST: Serious commitment to grow: Are you committed to growing in your faith
and have you been growing in your faith? (Refer back to P Johns two-part sermons on
this topic for the specifics) if you havent settled on this issue yet, that is, if you are
still wavering in your commitment, it makes sense to me that this should be the first
business that you deal with and that something as big as marriage shouldnt be a
priority for you yet. And by commitment, Im not talking about spiritual maturity.
Some indications that you are serious:

Gods existence and reliability of the Word: You have settled on the very basic foundational
questions like the existence of God and the reliability of the Word (very important since this is
our authority for life and faith!)

Growth in knowledge and obedience to the Word: You have been steadily growing both in
the knowledge and obedience to the Word (obeying Christ more and more!)

Delighting in the Word: You are experiencing and growing in delighting in the Word

Spiritual disciplines: Consistency in basic spiritual disciplines like reading, studying,

meditating on the Word and prayer

Confirmation from other believers: Trustworthy members of your faith community can
testify to your serious commitment to love and obey Christ
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SECOND: Personal maturity: Dont need to be spiritually mature to get married, but
you do need to be personally mature to get married; need to be an adult to get
married. And personal maturity takes time (why I dont think its wise for the
undergrads to be courting since they lack personal maturity). Some indications that you
are mature as a person:

Self-awareness: pretty self-aware in terms of your limitations and strengths; aware of how you
tend to affect others, both positively and negatively. In other words, you have a pretty good idea
of who you are as a person.

General life direction: You know your general life direction, whats really important to you
and whats not very important to you. Youve worked these things out according to the values
you see in the Bible. Not talking about career goals necessarily. Doesnt have to be super
specific. (e.g. people who get married too young, dont know what they want from life, end up
having difficulty in marriage once they mature as people)

Independent from parents (Gen. 2:24): You have left your parents. You arent depending
on them to meet your financial, emotional, physical, and spiritual needs. You know how to
make your own decisions and own up to and live with the consequences of your decisions.

Financially independent and responsible: paying your own bills, you know how to budget,
and be responsible with money
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THIRD: Character Flaws: Im putting these in a separate category because its

possible that a person could be committed to Christ, be personally mature (overall), but
still struggle with some of these things. Why? Because we all have issues and baggage
and inconsistencies and we are not perfect! And why these things? Because many of
these - things you will have to deal with and wrestle with in marriage. So if you have
some serious problem with some of these things, recommend that with Gods help and
the help of other trustworthy sisters, you at least start the process of dealing with it
before you consider marriage. Im not saying that you need to wait until you have
completely overcome these issues thats unrealistic. But you want to let the person
you court know about it so that he knows what hes getting into. What are they?

Brokenness & humility: you hate being broken, having to wrestle with your sins and being
humbled (because the main purpose of marriage is sanctification, you will inevitably
experience these things)

Willing to give up your rights (when its appropriate), apologize, forgive, and forbear?
(being patient with their sins & limitations; putting up with their flaws when thats fitting)

Willing to confront (your husbands sins, problems, issues), serve, and die to yourself?

Willing to repent and change?

Willing to self-denyingly and sacrificially love?

Willing to put your spouses needs before your own?

Are you intensely selfish and can only think about yourself? E.g. you cant put other
peoples needs before yours?

Have always been in a dating relationship? If youve been a serial dater (always have been in
a dating relationship), probably a good idea to take some time as a single person to reassess and
reevaluate your relationship with God and to grow as a person before you consider marriage
since its usually hard to do that when in a dating relationship.
3. WHOM: Whom should I marry? How to discern.

Is your standard too high? Evaluate and see if its realistic & reasonable. Do you measure up to that
standard?

Is your standard too worldly? On the one hand, be honest and realistic about what you can handle with
certain things, okay to desire/prefer (e.g. particular leadership style, certain personality traits) but
recognize its a reflection of your limitations and dont make them into non-negotiables. At the same time,
need to evaluate your list too worldly? Some things are so worldly, that it puts into question the very
authenticity of your faith (need wisdom to discern between the two)

Is your standard too spiritual? Remember, you are looking for someones who serious and committed
and personally mature. Not: someone whos necessarily spiritually mature. (for most girls, hard to respect a
guy whos far less spiritually mature than she. Reasonable to want a guy whos just as or a little more
spiritually mature than you)

Consider one of the guys from Bethany? Why? Because youve known them for 1-4 years already in a
non-romantic context (crucial!) => already know many of their flaws and sins (invaluable - getting to see
them when not putting their best foot forward) ; therefore, more honest, realistic picture of who they are.
(new isnt always better). But let me be clear: Im not - advocating or encouraging that you find
someone from Bethany (but Im not discouraging it). My point: just saying, dont rule it out as a possible
option.

Do you have a type? And if so, what is your type? And why? Stemming from your own issues and
insecurities and/or idols? If so, recognize thats the case, and realize therefore that, that type may not be
good for you! Recognize that theres a pattern.

Examples of types girls go for: 1) guys who give us a lot of attention - we like it because its flattering and
feeds our ego. But may not be good for us spiritually. 2) guys who are broken and with issues may stem
from a savior complex, wanting to save them; be that one girl the guy opens up to. 3) guys who are either
exactly like their dad because they idolized their fathers - or the polar opposite because they are overreacting to their upbringing. 4) guys who are passionate, zealous, and [worldly] ambitious we confuse that
with maturity or with serious commitment to God, which often is not the case.

My point: you dont want to make your decision driven by your issues and insecurities but be more
proactive and be more discerning when choosing.

You dont want to choose a spouse based on:

Shared interests & hobbies: Choosing someone just based on having a lot in common in terms of interests
& hobbies and being able to have fun together (at best, to have these, icing on the cake. Not that important.
In fact, they could be distracting, esp. when courting. Could blind you from seeing the things you need to
see)
Strong, intense physical/emotional attachment/attraction: Choosing someone mainly based on having a
strong emotional attachment/connection and/or intense physical attraction (almost impossible to soberly
evaluate at that point if you thats where you are already. Super hard & not natural to back-pedal and try to
get to a place where you are think more clearly)
He makes much of you: Choosing someone who makes much of you (he thinks you are awesome, great;
someone who flatters you; why persistence often works with girls because its flattering) not good for the
soul. (Theres a difference between your husband cherishing you because of God and your husband
cherishing you because of you. The first is God-honoring. The second is idolatrous. But thats the kind of
marriage many girls want and many even think that their husband is being godly when hes cherishing her
because of who she is and not because of who God is.
Out of desperation/fear of being alone: Getting married because you fear being alone. You are desperate.
(You really want to be married and dont want to be single). The fear and the desperation show that you
dont really trust Gods promise to provide for you that if you need a spouse, He will provide you with
one. (Dont succumb to the man-made timeline that you need to have reached certain life milestones by
this and that time. Yes, some practical, common sense behind it but not always. Need to trust God to lead
you and guide you and to provide for you!)

But you want to consider the following: (not because it will guarantee the best spouse but because I think
thats what being wise looks like)

FIRST: IS HE A GENUINE CHRISTIAN? IS HE SERIOUS ABOUT HIS GROWTH? (The most

important question)

Not sufficient: Church attendance and involvement (even leadership) do not necessarily indicate that hes a
serious, committed follower of Christ! Cant emphasize this enough because for most of you, the boys you
meet will at least be regular church attendees and even be plugged in (active & involved in the church
life). And they will all say things like, Ive been praying about it and I feel like God is leading me to
date you/marry you I feel convicted. Just because they speak Christianese doesnt mean they love and
obey Christ. You have to examine & evaluate their lives to see whether they are for real or fake.

His relationship with the Word of God: What is his relationship like with the Word of God? Is the Word
his authority when it comes to his faith and life? Does he take the Word seriously? How does he handle the
Word? Does he regularly read, study, devote himself to the Word? Is he DELIGHTING in and OBEYING
the WORD of God? Are their evidences of growing obedience to the WORD in his life and can other
trustworthy members of his community testify to that? (This you may not find out until you start courting
him) You cant separate loving God from loving the word. Jesus said, if you love me, you will obey me.

Accountability and/or mentorship: Does he have relationship(s) with brothers where he is held
accountable and vice versa? Much of what one has to deal with in marriage is similar to the things you
encounter in a functional, accountability relationship with a fellow believer. You are looking for evidences
of self-denying love in his life.

Does he take sin seriously? Is he intensely, intentionally fighting sin(s) in his life? What are the evidences
of this? (c.f. Jesus to the point of even gouging your eye out or cutting off your limb; Hebrews to the
point of shedding your blood. Point: requires intensity to fight and mortify our sins)

SECOND: IS HE MATURE AS A PERSON?

(the same things I mentioned above under readiness )

Has he left his parents? Hes not overly-dependent on his parents; he knows how to think and make
decisions independently and is not overly- dependent on parental approval

Is he mature enough to handle important decisions in life without getting overwhelmed and panicking and
running away?

THIRD: COMPATIBILITY

Communication: Can you communicate with this person? (Minimally, are you able to
understand/comprehend what hes saying? Not referring to deep emotional connection in a kindred spirit
kind of a way)

Life direction: Are you guys going in the same life direction? (In a very broad, Christian way, unless you
feel that you have a very specific calling)

Values and goals: Do you guys share the same/similar fundamental values and goals in life? In order to
really find out what they value and whats really important to them, you need probe and ask specific
questions like: What are your career goals and why? Whats your view on career? Whats your view on
money? How much of your disposable income do you give away? How much money do you spend on this
& that? What kind of lifestyle do you want? Whats your view on traveling and vacationing and eating out
and leisure? View on family? Raising kids/parenting? Its easy to mask worldliness (e.g worldly
ambitions) with Christianese so unless you ask specific questions, often its hard to really tell what they
really value in life. So please, probe and ask very specific questions!!!

Do you want to have kids with this guy? Would you want him to be a father to your children? Do you
trust and respect him enough to disciple your kids and lead the family?

Can you submit to him? Overall, do you respect him enough so that you can submit to him as your
husband and as a leader of your family?

FOURTH: Red flags & possible warning signs: (Why these? Because they may indicate lack of
seriousness in their faith and/or lack of maturity as a person. Not an automatic write-off, but you at least
need to be aware of what you are getting into)

Spineless & cowardly: lacks convictions; easily influenced by fear of man/what people think (indicates
lack of readiness to lead you and the family? Immaturity?)

Untamed tongue: cursing, crude joking, getting a laugh at the expense of others (indicates lack of selfcontrol, immaturity, lack of love)

Serial dater: He has always been in a relationship its a red flag because it may indicate he has unhealthy
tendencies and issues

Unhealthy & inappropriate relationship with sisters: hes flirtatious, tends to mislead girls, tends to
share too much personal stuff with girls, his closest friends are female *Its usually hard to see if a guy
has a healthy relationship with girls, but its pretty easy to pick out the guys who have unhealthy
relationship with girls (because they tend to have reputation for it) so be aware of guys with that kind of
reputation.

History of being abusive: emotional, verbal, physical, sexual?

Is he controlling? Some Christian men think leading is the same thing as controlling (i.e. their way or the
highway; not open to reason; always right; it has to be a certain way; too many non-negotiables) when they
arent. (Whats their view on leading?)

Anger, temper, rage problem: He doesnt know how to control his anger, rage, temper; he has a history of
violence with guys or with girls (Some women have this bad boy complex where we want to be that girl
who can fix them and rescue them)

No accountability with brothers: He doesnt know how to be a loving brother to other brothers; doesnt
have and/or has never had a relationship where he was held accountable and he had to hold someone
accountable (small groups, 1:1s. Not: talking about church attendance or even involvement or leadership.
Much more than that)

Very selfish: Tends to be selfish with his money, time, energy, relationships (money and time good
indicators)

Attention-seeking: Tends to seek attention, making things always about himself. Thoughtless and
inconsiderate. (immaturity)

Issues with authority: He has issues with submitting to authority even when thats appropriate (e.g.
government, church leadership, boss at work)

Still dependent on parents: He hasnt left his parents - overly-dependent on parents; doesnt know how
to think and make decisions independently; overly- dependent on parental approval

Serious sexual addictions: still struggling with sexual addictions not fighting it or repenting over it;
taking it lightly/casually

Dont know how to make difficult decisions: Never faced or had to make a difficult/hard decision; never
had to deal with disapproval or rejection or disappointment (sheltered, nave, immature?)

* One of the biggest and common mistakes women make is thinking that she can change him or assuming
that he will change. You need to be willing to live with the person you see before you and assume that when
it comes to their personality traits, limitations, and idiosyncracies, they will most likely not change (e.g.
awkward, always late, procrastinates, social needs or lack thereof, likes to plan/doesnt like to plan) and
even when it comes to his sanctification, hes going to change at such a slow pace that it may seem like hes
not changing because itll be [seemingly] so slow. Are you willing to serve, minister to, and self-denyingly
love the person that you see before you now until you die (or he dies)?
4. HOW: HOW DO YOU DECIDE?

Remember that its Gods provision: marriage/spouse - Gods good provision for you! Therefore, you
dont need to go looking for one or find one. Matt 6: Your Father knows what you need! And therefore,
the faithful response is to trust God, rather than being anxious or worrying about it. We start to compromise
when we dont trust that God will provide graciously all that we need (and often more!)

Pray for guidance & wisdom: Im not talking about just picking someone out and baptizing it with
prayer to make it God-approved. But really relying on God to guide you and depending on Him to lead
you.

Utilize the counsel of unbiased, older, godly people: If you have them. If your peers are immature and
worldly, their advices will also be worldly and therefore not very helpful. And they will also be tempted to

just tell you what you want to hear. But having someone who can give an objective, unbiased, wise and
godly counsel is invaluable. So if you have someone like that, please, use it.
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Lastly . [again because its super important!]: You are aiming for faithfulness to God by trying to be
as wise as you can about this. You are not aiming for the best possible marriage and spouse. The results are
up to God. You will be held responsible and accountable for not the things you could not have known, but
for the things that you did know and could have known.