1.

Pot Addiction
a. Try to end daily pot use
b. Try to reach a state whereby you can have pot in the house without using it for an increasing length of time
i. Begin with a day and get to a week ( in other words, if you take a week off without having to throw away your stash, then youll have
made progress)
c. Marijuana Anonymous
2. Opiate Addiction
a. Oxy ok whenever you want, just not every day and not in any significant quantity (10mg 1-2/WEEK)
3. Mental health issues including Klonopin, Wellbutrin, Lamictal, and Zoloft addictions
a. Youre not really doing anything to address the issues or to reduce dependency on the medications
b. You might need to discuss your feeling that you are not getting with the program with the doctor
i. I dont know what the hell hell say, but at least hell see where you are coming from and you will be less likely to try to put
pressure on him to give you answers and solutions he cannot possibly have, not to mention your stated intention to pressure or
manipulate or whatever him into hooking you up with a pain doctor.
c. Group therapy
4. Generalized procrastination and avoidant prioritization
(e.g., working on chess when you need to be working on finding a job or your addictions or your psychological problems, etc.)
a. Try to stop indulging the addictions, if only just for the nonce (problem: what to do with the time?)
b. Try to end all speculation about Searle books/websites
c. Try to end all prior attachments to Berkeley and the academic career
d. Try to end all prior attachments to Gail and Bruce; just admit its over and youre alone
e. Come up with an employment and/or relocation plan; make sure you understand the consequences of any move
i. Nauss? Tell him about your mom?
ii. Investigate trash removal and moving situation, etc.
iii. Deal with the financial issue hanging over your head
iv. Problems: financial issue, not having anywhere to go issue, not having anything to do once I get there
f. Julie relationship must fundamentally change; you must admit this
i. In relation to (1: Pot addiction) being around her while she is high and getting pot for her are probably not helping with your
own pot addiction
ii. Also, quit comparing yourself to her; shes in a completely different situation than you are now
iii. Also, quit pretending like you have as stable a situation as Julie, with as much room for bull-shit drug use
g. Philosophy
i. What the fuck am I gonna do until I get the money and energy to move?
h. Computer procrastinations and improper backups and bullshit
i. Try expressing your feelings in language on paper without publishing it and without self-indulging
5. Little Projects
a. Read and Discuss LSD/Ecstasy Book and Energy issue with neighbor
b. Glasses
c. Fix Archos
d. Refill medications
e. Get your car serviced

f. Get your teeth cleaned in September

g. Go to Yamashita concert in October
6. Little addictions
a. Chess
i. News, study, history, extracurricular reading, book browsing and spending, book downloading and printing
b. Guitar
c. Media
d. Book collecting, packratting, hoarding
e. News and History
Typical Work Day:
Run errands, etc. (1 day/week)
Typical Light Work Day:
Clean, help out in the garden (1 day/week)
Typical bullshit self-indulgent day (5 days/week):
Get up
Shower
Make some ginger drink
Study chess and or read world history books
Get high
Try to play guitar or listen to instrumental music
Feel bad, take downers, take nap
Get up
Study chess
Get high
Feel bad, take downers, go to bed for the night
I feel like none of the choices I make on a daily basis make any sense; theres no foundation, no unifying thread, no Im choosing to do X in order to Y
because Y is some end in itself or something I just want or something Ive committed to, etc. (it doesnt matter what Y is as long as serves to give meaning to
X, insofar as some X contributes to the accomplishment of some Y (some a purpose, goal, fulfillment, etc.)
Why do I brush my teeth; so they wont rot and I can still use them effectively in the future (for accomplishing what?)
Why do I shower; so that my body wont go the shit (for accomplishing what?) and so as not to offend others (for what reason?)
Why do I eat and drink; for pleasure, for satiation, but most importantly so that I will have energy and general physical fitness for the future (for
accomplishing what?)
Why do I masturbate; for pleasure, for satiation, for release so that I can get back to other things that need to be accomplished (such as what?)
Why do I study chess; for pleasure, for feeling like Im improving or winning at something, for release, and to avoid confrontation (with what: the fact that
my life is totally meaningless)

Same goes for other addictive behaviors and hobbies: they go nowhere (not in some cosmic sense, been in a mundane sense: so, having kids is
meaningless in the cosmic order of things, but it can help to give meaning or contribute to the constitution of the meaning of a breeders life: kids can tie you
down in a potentially beneficial way that a hobby never can)
I used to have meaningful connections to people, to things, to activities, to groups, but these connections have dissolved, so to speak. I also feel like suicide
makes a lot more sense than before: a well planned and considerate suicide seems the best way to respond to the current situation (lack meaningful
connection and contribution towards some kind of meaning or purpose, if only mundane and never final; cannot help but see hobby-like pursuits as non
final, not what life, in any mundane sense, is about)