Experience: Im a woman who is genetically male | Life and s...

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Experience: Im a woman who is

genetically male
Initially I liked being different, but when at last I was given a diagnosis, I was
distraught
Anonymous
Friday 22 May 2015 14.00BST

I had always been unusually small for my age, and people often thought I was three or
four years younger. Although I initially liked being dierent, towards the end of
primary school I began to tire of it and underwent tests to nd out if there was a
reason for my short stature. They didnt reveal the real cause.
As my early secondary years rolled by and I watched my friends turn into women one
by one, I remained deantly prepubescent. I was at boarding school, which didnt
make things easier frequently teased, I became increasingly self-conscious. In my
GCSE year, having still not had a growth spurt or entered puberty, I had further tests,
and at last I was given a diagnosis. As a result of a rare and little-known condition
called Swyer syndrome, I had been born with male chromosomes.
As a result, my body had been unable to produce oestrogen, without which puberty
cant take place in girls. Although I had a uterus and fallopian tubes, my ovaries
hadnt developed properly and could not produce eggs. There was a big risk of them
becoming cancerous, so they had to be removed this was in the days before keyhole
surgery, so it was a major procedure and I would require years of treatment to
prompt the changes that should have occurred naturally.
I was distraught and found it very hard to talk about, to either my peers or my family.
But learning that I was infertile and would never be able to have children naturally
didnt have the impact then that it would later. At 15, I was more concerned with
tting in at school. Still only 4ft 8in, I had to inject myself with growth hormone
every day for two years, and for the rst year of doing that I was unable to take the
hormone replacement drugs that would kickstart puberty.
When it nally happened I felt a huge relief. But my adolescent friends didnt know
how to deal with my situation. Their reactions were a mixture of awkwardness,
sympathy and clumsy teasing, and I remained guarded. After years of bullying, I
found it impossible to reinvent the way I perceived myself, even as I changed
physically.
That opportunity came when I started university. I had never had a boyfriend before,

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Experience: Im a woman who is genetically male | Life and s...

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but I started a relationship during freshers week. Then in my second year I replaced
my entire wardrobe, having nally found the condence to buy more feminine and
even revealing clothes. Throughout my teenage years, my priority had been
remaining invisible; it had never occurred to me that I could be sexually attractive.
I was in my early 20s before I slept with a man. When he later broke up with me, he
told me it was because I couldnt have children but that was simply never an option.
I dont think its entirely unconnected that Im still single at 40. I tend to nd myself
with people who arent really interested in wholly committing.
Virtually all my friends have children, which has put a strain on some relationships,
and I was hit particularly hard when my younger sister had a baby. My mum didnt
contact me for a fortnight around the birth she simply didnt know how to handle it.
I ended up conding in my dad, who meant well but was very clumsy and started
listing things I can do that my sister cant, such as playing the piano. I asked how he
would have reacted if hed had to have his testicles removed as a teenager and
somebody had said, But dont worry, because youre very good at technical
drawing. That led to us not speaking for more than a year.
A few years ago, I was diagnosed with osteoporosis, caused by the lack of oestrogen in
my teens. It was another blow, but the treatment eectively led to a second puberty
and I became more curvaceous. I now feel much more condent about myself
physically at 40, Im lucky to look much younger than my age.
Swyer syndrome is a very rare condition, aecting just one in 30,000. Im yet to meet
anyone else who has it and Im still coming to terms with it. Spending years being
made to feel a freak has never left me, but its no longer always at the front of my
mind.

As told to Chris Broughton

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