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Validation & Self-Validation

Validation means telling someone that what they feel, think, believe, and experience is real,
logical, and understandable. Self-validation is when you are able to quietly reassure yourself
that what you feel inside is real, important, and makes sense. Emotions, thoughts, and
sensations are all experiences that we sometimes doubt in ourselves. We ask ourselves:

DO I really feel this?


SHOULD I feel this way? (Is it the right thing to feel, even if it inconveniences
someone else?)

We may look around us and try to guess what other people in the same
situation feel, or what others expect us to feel. This happens because we have been told at
some point that we should not trust what our inner experience tells us. We actually trust other
people more than ourselves. Sometimes when we self-in-validate, we spend a lot of time and
energy trying to prove to others and ourselves that our experience is real and makes sense.
This often results in conflict or crisis.
In DBT, we are learning to validate others because it helps our relationships go better, and it
calms intense situations so that we can problem solve. We learn to self-validate because it
quiets defensive and fearful emotions so we can problem solve, and it allows us to let go of
the pain and exhaustion that constant self-justification and self-doubt requires.

How to Validate
Validation does NOT mean that you AGREE or APPROVE of behavior. In fact, validation is
non-judgmental. Here are specific validation strategies:
a. Focus on the inherent worth of the person, whether it is yourself or someone else.
b. Observe - Listen carefully to what is said with words, expression, and body. Intently
listen, be one-mindful in the moment. If you are self-validating, honor your
experience by sitting quietly with it, knowing it for at least a few moments. If you are
validating someone else, use good eye contact, nod, be one-mindful in your focus on
them.
c. Describe - Non-judgmentally state the facts of the situation.
d. State the unstated - Note the presence of feelings, beliefs, etc. that have not been
voiced: You seem to feel angry, but also hurt by what that person said to you. If

validating yourself, identify primary emotions. If anger is obvious, explore your


feelings of any shame, hurt, or disappointment that may be hiding beneath.
e. Find what is true/valid about the experience and note this. Without feeling that you
have to agree or approve of the experience, find a piece of it that makes perfect sense,
and validate this. If validating yourself, perhaps you realize that the thoughts you are
having are irrational; however, validate that they exist and are powerful in the
moment. If validating someone else, even if you disagree with their behavior, find
something that you can empathize with - When you get that angry, you want to strike
out at someone.

Validation Exercise
Instructions: After reading the situation, circle the response that is VALIDATING. Some of
the responses may be skillful, but not validating. Remember to focus on reassuring self/others
that their experience is real, important, and/or makes sense.
You are feeling a lot of irritation and you dont know why. You snap at a friend who has done
nothing wrong.
a. You tell yourself, Im always irritable and drive people away.
b. You force yourself to behave more patiently with others than you actually feel for the
rest of the day.
c. You talk to a friend and tell them, I just snapped at someone, and I dont know why.
Im irritable and confused.
d. You avoid the situation and act as though nothing happened.

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