Ben Bucks Bible Brawl

BY PATRICIA BACKORA
All Rights Reserved
http://kingdomage.tripod.com
http://banpreachergreed.tripod.com
TRIP ONE
ABRAHAMS BACK-BREAKING BLESSINGS
Brother Ben Buck and his wife Miranda had just finished that days
filming for Green Manna Ministries Holy Land Tour Special. Ben was
jubilant. "Oh, Miranda! I just cant get over how people are falling
for my latest revelation about the blessings of Abraham! What a
gold mine!"
"If we dont stop rehashing that baloney, well start swallowing it
ourselves and end up in the crazy house!" she laughed.
"Not me!" Ben cackled. "Im the brightest brain in the cosmos!
Nobody else can preach the grand old story of Father Abe and his
loot the way I do! He keepeth us in green pastures!"

That night the couple went out to a local watering hole. The
booze flowed like milk and honey. Brother Bens right-hand man
kept refilling the glasses with bubbly champagne. "Time for
celebration, Ben," Sam said. "We launched out into the deep and all
them Joe Six-Packs out in TV Land took the bait. Mercedes
showroom, here we come for the umpteenth time!"
Miranda giggled. She gave Ben a smooch and wrapping her
arms, heavy-laden with jewels, around his neck.
Oh, Sam, Rosie said to her grinning hubby, you are such a
genius! How many other TV preachers cook up the gimmicks you
do! Footprints from Heaven is so-o-o cute! She giggled.
Yeah! Sam howled. Photos of the actual footprint left on my
dirty garage floor by the Angel Arnie! Plant your foot in it, sleep
over it two nights, then plant your seed of two grand inside it and
RUSH it back to us before nine a.m. Friday morning! Then your
seed will sprout into fifty grand, a hundred grand if you sprinkle
talcum powder on the footprint first! Ha! Ha! Ha! Suckers!
But really, Sam, said Miranda, nothing beats the best
brainstorm youve ever hadcontact Gordie the Guardian Angel
through our ministry! Only ten dollars a pop! All major credit cards
accepted.
My crowning achievement, Sam chortled. Jack and Boris sure
are getting a lot of hits, and Gordie never fails to remind his fans
that while salvation is free, the highway to heaven is a toll road!
Well, a lot of idiots out there are dumb enough to buy it! Ben
cackled.
Ben could not hold his liquor that night...or was it something
else that launched him into another world? Bens last recollection
was arguing eyeball-to-eyeball with Sam about proper allocation of
surplus ministry funds, while Rosie yakked her head off with
Miranda about the latest liposuction therapy. Barely noticeable in
the dim light was Sams cupped hand brushing over Bens wine cup
as he leaned over the table to drive his point home. Ben thought
nothing of it, because Sam always waved his hands when he
argued. Rosie was waving her hand, too, as she nudged Miranda
and pointed over at a dress some woman was way too fat to look
good in. Ben drained his drink. Sam grinned like a snake. What was
brewing in that reprobates brain?
Bens head wobbled and his vision blurred. His heavy-laden
head sank down, down, down... He felt himself being dragged into a
pulsating vortex, away from all the laughter of the wine bar, but
Miranda seemed to be going with him...or was she? The final sounds
Ben heard were muffled jokes about the "ministry of mooch". He
blacked out.
$$$$$$

A white, shining form flew over Bens head and shouted: "Ben Buck!
Robber of the righteous! You shall reap the harvest you have sown
and get a taste of your own bait: "The material blessings of
Abraham!"
Next thing he knew, Ben was lying face-down in hot, burning
sand.
Oh, no, he thought, Im in hell. That Abraham scam
backfired big-time.
He heard a familiar whine: "Wheres my Evian bottle? Oh, Ben,
didnt I tell you it was dangerous to go hiking in the Negev on our
own? If we dont get help soon, a snake will bite us!" She swatted
Ben on the head with a brochure. "Get up, you idiot! Youre the
man! Youre supposed to protect me!"
Slowly Ben sat up and shook his dizzy head. Then they heard a
faint tinkling of bells. "Look!" cried Miranda. "A camel caravan!
And people with bed sheets on their heads!"
"Must be making a movie, Miranda. Theyll help us get back."
It looked like a childrens Bible story book. A tall, turbaned man
in a striped robe approached the couple. Looks likes the king of the
cavalcade, Ben thought. He worried about how to communicate, but
surely a film crew would understand English. But where were the
equipment trucks? All Ben saw was a multitude of camels, donkeys,
sheep, and cattle.
The chieftain spoke softly to Ben as he helped him stand up. His
speech sounded somewhat like the Hebrew heard by Ben in
Jerusalem. Ben barely knew a word of foreign language, but
somehow the mans words were immediately translated to his
understanding. Wherever Ben was, language barriers didnt exist.
He would try talking in English and see if he likewise understood.
"My son," said the elderly man, "you have gotten lost in your
journey. Please come with us as our honored guests and take
refreshment. We are about to stop at the next oasis to set up
camp. You and your wife must take the evening meal and rest with
us there. Let all your needs be on us. Welcome. My name is
Abram."
An elegantly robed woman rushed up to Miranda. "Oh, Abram!"
she cried. "This mans wife is in need of clothing to protect her
from the heat of the sun!" She seemed baffled by Mirandas tank
top and shorts. She issued orders to a comely attendant, who ran
to go find more clothes for Miranda.
What a transformation! Miranda, whose sole protection from the
desert sun had been a smear of sun screen, was clad head to toe in
a colorful caftan with a golden sash. Her short blond mane was
covered with a silken veil. Likewise they dressed Ben up in the
finest robe the caravan had, topped off with a striped turban.

They must be doing a remake of Lawrence of Arabia, Ben

thought, and me and Miranda have been drafted as extras. But this
time therell bengorgeous gals in the remake of the film.
"I hope your mind is on me, Ben!" Miranda snapped, as she
magically read his musings. "Stop staring at that slave girl!"
At supper time, Ben sat with the other men, while Miranda
joined the ladies of the company, who admired her blond hair.
Miranda noticed that meat, and lots of it, was the main course.
After being sizzled on a bed of white-hot coals, it was served up in
huge hunks with whole wheat flatbread. "EEK!" Miranda cried as a
medium rare slab of flesh was set before her. "Im a vegetarian!"
"They might not have any vegetarian alternatives!" called Ben.
"Dont offend them, just eat!" As he gorged on milk-fed veal he
cackled: "If Dr. Hacksaw could see me now, hed say: Naughty,
naughty, Ben, better watch your cholesterol!"
Abram didnt even crack a smile when Ben told him to stop
kidding around about being the original Honest Abe, and when
would the camera crew arrive to resume filming on their movie?"
"What is a movie?" Abram asked, as innocently as a child. "I am
who I say I am, so why would you question my identity?"
Ben rolled up his eyes. "Well discuss the latest blockbusters
after we prove this is one of Sams gags and were still in the 21st
century. Miranda, see if your cell phone still works. Download a
website, then call somebody on the phone.
If theres still a
transponder satellite up in heavenly places, Ill have that jerks
head next time I see him!"
Miranda rose from her seat at the campfire. She slipped behind
a grove of date palms where she might rummage through her bag
unobserved. The light of the full moon helped her find her little
phone. Good. The screen was still lit up, so the battery wasnt dead
yet. Breathing hard, she tried a video game on it first. It worked.
But when she tried to download a web site, she got a CANNOT
LOCATE SERVER message. She selected one phone number, then
another, from the PHONEBOOK menu, only to get this message:
CONNECTION FAILED. PLEASE TRY AGAIN. Despairingly she put the
phone back in her purse.
"Oh, Ben!" She cried. "Israel is such a tiny country, we cant
possibly be out of range of these numbers! Before we left the hotel
it worked just fine!"
Ben tried a trick question: "Abram, whats the name of the son
Sarai gave birth to?" He knew full well that if this mans name was
still Abram rather than Abraham, Isaac hadnt even been born yet.
"Sarais son exists only in her heart, and mine," the wise old
chieftan sighed. "God shall give him to me and Sarai in due time, if
He will still be gracious unto me after the hasty error of judgment I
made. In my impatience to see the promise of the Lord come to
pass, I produced a son by my handmaid Hagar. His name is

Ishmael. A headstrong lad who does not yet walk before the Lord as
I do. See? He is sitting with those boys on the far side of the fire."
How could anyone miss that boisterous, overbearing boy? He
appeared to be only about ten, but he was barking orders at the
harried servants as if he owned the place. Never a dull moment with
wild child Ishmael challenging gentle Abrams patience, thought
Ben. It wouldnt be long before Isaac came along and this camp
turned into one big soap opera.
"I love Ishmael, even if he is a handful for an old man like me,"
Abram sighed. "But deep in my heart I know that my Redeemer
lives, and His Word of Promise to me and to My house shall surely
be fulfilled in its time. My God promised me my seed would exceed
the stars of the heavens in number." Abram pointed up at the
deepening azure of the early evening sky. How breathtakingly
virginal the heavens appeared, an environmentalists dream and a
multi-nationals nightmare. Just the sight of that sky, undefiled by
petrochemical emissions and greenhouse gases, was additional
proof Ben and Miranda were trapped in the distant past.
"Where I dwell, Abram, about the only stars youll see stroll up
and down Rodeo Drive. Our skies are a filthy mess, but we wont
dwell on that. I wont spoil this golden moment for you."
The more Ben talked with Abram, the man of faith, the more
convinced he was that he was either in a dream or had been
miraculously transported 4,000 years into the past.
"Abram," said Ben tremulously, "you will surely think Miranda
and I are mad. We were sent here from the distant future. But if I
show you evidence of that, will you believe me?" He had Miranda
bring him the cell phone and showed it to Abram. "The reason I
believe you now, Father Abraham, is because of this little device we
brought with us. Miranda and I use it to speak with faraway people.
But because there is no...er...extra moon in the sky to carry its
messages, it will not work. All you can do is play tic-tac-toe on it.
See?"
Abram was fascinated by the slender device, with its sleek
monitor which displayed moving pictures and characters. "It is a
great wonder, my son, and your clothing was unlike any I had ever
seen before. Could it really be that you are not from my world?
Could you truly be an angel sent by God to bring me a message?"
Ben grinned. "Oh, no, Father Abraham. Miranda and I arent
angels at all.
He handed Miranda the phone. I think youre very photogenic,
Abran.n Here, Miranda, would you do the honors?"
Miranda snapped a picture of Abram in the dwindling twilight.
She handed the phone back to Ben.
Abram gasped when he saw the picture on the glassy surface.
"My own likeness! Surely this is sorcery! No mere man can do such

a thing! Who are you people, and why do you call me Father
Abraham, which means father of a multitude?"
"I am one of your sons, that is why," said Ben, as Miranda
hastily pocketed her phone. "And you shall have many millions of
both natural and spiritual descendants. I do not spring from your
loins, but I am a child of faith, even as you are. I preach this truth
to millions: Those who are men and women of faith, the same are
the children of faithful Abraham. You and your wife Sarai shall have
a son together and name him Isaac. His greatest Descendant will
be a poor Carpenter Who will come to make many rich, just like
you."
Abram looked puzzled. "A poor man making others rich? And
what does it mean to you to be rich, Ben possessing a vast hoard
of gold?"
"Well, Father Abraham, in our world, people find it inconvenient
to do daily business with bags of gold, which most folks are way to
poor to own anyway. So they use paperuhyou dont know what
that is, I guess. Its a bit like papyrus, the stationery of the
Egyptians. Its green and has big numbers written on it.
Miranda," Ben called, "do you still have that hundred-dollar bill
you never exchanged?"
"Yes, dear," Miranda said. She pulled it from her wallet and gave
it to Ben.
The patriarch took the money and turned it over a few times. "It
looks like a green leaf. How thin this is, how light to transport," he
said. "And those strange characters are numbers?"
"Yes, Father Abraham. "That is how we write one hundred in
my faraway land. One hundred bucks is a lot of money to poor
people, but its peanuts to me."
"Peanuts?"
Common chicken feed is another way of putting it, said Ben.
I sense your contempt for the small blessings poor people must
depend upon to survive, said Abram. But how strange that the
value of this green leaf surpasses gold in your society. Well are you
named: Ben Buck, which means Son of Buck, the wealth you so
covet. And whose image is on this buck? That of your ancestor?"
"Oh, no!" laughed Ben. "He is a Ben, same as myself, but he is
not a Buck, though his image is on one. He is Ben Franklin, a wise
old man who said: "Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man
healthy, wealthy, and wise."
"So you highly value this leafy thing just because the man on it
is reputed to possess a wealth of wisdom?" Abram frowned. "All
true wisdom springs only from knowing God as your dearest
Friend."
Ben shook his head and grinned. "Ben Franklin will die many,
many years before I am born, Father Abraham. But a truer friend I
have yet to meet. The more Ben Franklins people give me, the

more blessed I am. And thats what I tell people everywhere I go.
Your greatest Descendant will come to earth to make it possible for
men like me to get many green bucks so we can dwell in spiritual
green pastures on the earth so long as we liveat least thats what
we teach at Green Manna Ministries. We took that name because
manna is the food of heavenly angels, and green is the color of
heavenly prosperity.
Abram frowned. "Then you must serve an entirely different god,
my son. A flimsy green god with images of dead gods on it! That is
all wrong. That is idolatry even more foolish than I beheld in Ur of
the Chaldees. I serve the Unseen God, the Eternal One. Ever since
the Fall of Adam, men of faith have clung to the Hope of a Promised
One Who would redeem us from the curse common to all mankind:
sin and death. Such a mighty One sent from God will come to
impart to us the eternal riches which endure. My finest robes can
be eaten with moths. Bandits could steal all my gold and silver
tomorrow if the Lord permitted. My flocks and my herds, do they
live forever? A lightning storm could wipe them all out tomorrow.
Everything my eye can see could perish in a single night. My hope
lies in things which are not seen, rather than in the fading glory all
around me. I live to please My Maker, and all that I have is from
Him, and is His. My eyes look for His salvation. I am but a wayfarer
in this earth, an exile from the Garden of the Lord who longs to
come home to the Eternal City in the heavenlies where my Maker
dwells. No, my son, when God sends His Promised Seed, it will be
to bring His salvation to men of faith, not to send down from the
sky green leaf idols to feed the greed of men."
Shallow as a saucer, Ben said: "Your clothes might get
motheaten, but my clothes last for years. I bought these classy
duds with many Ben Franklin bucks. My suits are custom-made of
raw silk fortified with Duralast Polyester. Whenever I donate my old
duds to the Salvation Army, theres still plenty of wear left in them.
As for my other wealth, weve sunk lots of our venture capital into
prime IT technology shares, and Ive made a killing on the Nasdaq
"I see the confused look on your face, Father Abraham, but I
swear I came back 4,000 years in time to receive some of the
wealth Im entitled to as your spiritual descendant."
Abram shook his head. "I see an honored guest sitting before
me, nothing more. How can you possibly be my descendant when
you are so unlike me?"
"But the angel sentenced me to enjoy your blessings!" Ben
wailed. "You cant argue with an angel, Father Abraham!"
"Very well," the old man said, studying the polished con artist
sitting across the fire from himself. "You may be talking out of your
head, and you may even be mad, but I am a fair man. I will give
you a trial period of 30 days. If you are able to properly care for
some of my blessings, I will believe you are who you say and give

you and your wife a share of my wealth. But it will take more than
magic toys and green idol leaves to impress me, Ben Buck."
$$$$$$
Abram was more than generous. Ben and Miranda Buck were given
their own tent and staff of domestics to wait on them. Mirandas
chief maid Naamah knelt down to sponge the sweating forehead of
her new mistress as she lay on her pallet, pining away for Evian
water in the stifling heat. "Are you better, Mistress Miranda?" the
maid asked, with a coy smile.
"Yeah, I guess. Go fetch me more wine, Naamah. The well
water might contain E-Coli, and I cant drink it."
"Ah...Mistress"....the pretty girl hesitated. "You have no children
of your own?"
"We have two daughters who are with friends back at the hotel.
Eight and twelve years old. They didnt want to go hiking with us in
this hot sun."
"But you have no son, Mistressif I may ask?"
"Naamah, Im 41. Im over the hill now and dont feel like
having more kids."
The slave girls eyes widened with excitement. "Oh, but that is
no problem, Mistress! If you are not well enough to produce an heir
for Master Ben, I will gladly be at your service if you will give me to
him to wife."
Miranda got so unhinged she fired her slave girl on the spot and
promoted a homelier slave to fill her position. Shed have to keep an
eye on "Master Ben".
It wasnt long before Sarai came calling. "Miranda," she said, "If
you are unfamiliar with our ways, perhaps I should teach you to
properly run a household. Can you spin?"
"Only a roulette wheel," Miranda said.
"Can you bake?"
"Not without a muffin mix, no."
"Can you make chicken soup?" the mother of all Jewish mothers
asked.
"Not without a can opener and microwave."
"Can you weave?"
"Only in and out of rush hour traffic."
After a few more questions Sarai felt exasperated. What kind of
woman was this, who couldnt spin, weave, bake, or even draw
water out of a well? When Sarai offered to teach Miranda how to
knead unleavened bread and bake it in a clay oven, Miranda
protested that her nails were way too delicate for that, and they
were too far away from Mitzi, her manicurist.
$$$$$$

Days passed. Slave girls cooked and washed for Miranda. They
sponged and fanned her as she lay in her tent wallowing in self pity.
She bemoaned the dearth of shampoo, conditioner, hair
straightening gel, Pearl Drops Toothpaste and Kleenex. She worried
about her e-mails piling up unanswered. Thousands of years and
thousands of miles away, Sam and Rosie must be getting their
hooks into those surplus ministry funds.
As for Ben, he wished he could ditch the flocks and herds and
get back to his big bucks. Back home, Ben couldnt even paper-train
his own puppy. He could hardly manage a computer mouse, much
less care for livestock. How gross, having to deliver a calf without
rubber gloves! It broke Bens back, helping Abrams servants haul
rocks and dig up dry roots for firewood. Ben swore a blue streak
when a flint knife he used to flay a carcass broke and nicked his
thumb. He lost his lunch when entrails slipped out of the carcass.
Even the lowliest servants laughed at him behind his back. Why,
hed never even gutted a fish before. Abram promised Ben hed be
given his own servants to perform unpleasant tasks if he passed the
trial period; for no man is qualified to give another man orders until
he has first mastered the job himself.
After being in the same spot for only a couple of weeks, Abrams
tribe had to move on to find new pasturage for the flocks. Miranda
whined about running out of Wet Wipes and Chapstick on the hot,
dusty trail. She detested the brackish well water, and looked
askance at the unpasteurized goats milk. She hated having her
nightcap served from a leather wine bag, "because it tasted like
shoes". Visions of Dove Bars, Popsicles, Caesar salad, and Diet Coke
filled her head. Oh, for a Big Gulp packed with ice! She pined away
for Pizza Hut! She missed her mocha expressos. Camels werent
Mirandas cup of tea. Even though her own camel was luxuriously
padded, she swore with every jerk and bump. Every now and then
the camel would turn his head to sneer at her, as if it knew how
saddlesore Miranda got from riding him. Her back was a
chiropractors nightmare. But she had lost weight.
Ben did some crying of his own. Where, oh, where, were
Abrams real blessings, the green ones with numbers on them? The
only greenery in Abrams world was the occasional oasis. Bens
muscles were tied up in knots from all those blessings hed been
unprepared to render service to. How long would the angel make
him do penance before he could return to the coddled comfort of his
hotel room?
Ministry associates wondered if Ben and Miranda ever would
come back to the real world, after their mysterious mental
meltdown and removal to an observation unit. The damage done by
the tainted angel dust Sam and Rosie had brought along to liven up
the party should have made the couple feel guilty enough to fess

up. But the smell of crispy hundred-dollar bills and checks kept
them coming back for more. The show had to go on.
TRIP TWO
GREEDY GREEN PASTURES
Pastor Ben Buck and Miranda were back on trackmedically, that is.
Despite the harrowing lessons they'd suffered through on their
recent angel dust fantasy flight, they were already pushing
Prosperity to poor people again. It would cost them too dearly to
renounce that doctrine as false. Only the doctors at the observation
unit knew anything about the horrific vision they'd experienced in
being beamed back to the technologically challenged world of
Abraham. Abraham's privations had shocked the money-mad
couple: no air-conditioning, no Rolex on Abraham's wizened wrist,
no designer bath suite with Jacuzzi and gold taps. And as for
Abraham's renowned wealth, nothing much to impress Ben and
Miranda. Malodorous multitudes of goats and sheep, mooing cattle,
persnickety camels. Bellowing beasts which needed constant
feeding, watering and cleaning up after. Endless backbreaking work
for Ben, who had been undergoing a trial period to prove that he
could manage a portion of the wealth of Abraham and prove himself
worthy of being one of his heirs. And as Miranda daily observed the
primitive privations endured by beautiful Sarah, it had made her
wonder how Sarah could stay that way for long. Surely, Miranda had
thought, Sarah's skin would wither to leather under that hot sun
and she would need a facelift or Botox. How humiliating for her and
Ben, to struggle to recover their sanity after coming back to the
real world. But now Ben and Miranda were back in the religious
meat market where they belonged, as greedy for the green as ever,
both quite unreformed by their harrowing ordeal.
After their discharge from the drug treatment center, Ben had
threatened to sue the pants off his partner Sam for drugging his
and Miranda's drinks. But Sam had sunk to his knees, begging Ben
to turn the other cheek like any real Christian would. Sam would
keep his nose clean from here on out, he pleaded. And he would
make forgiveness worthwhile for Ben and Miranda. Not only would
Sam cede to them his and Rosies share of the disputed surplus
ministry funds, but Sam would cook up even more lucrative donor
appeals to pry money out of TV viewers. Sam knew how to falsify
financial records to make income balance with legitimate outgo.
From here on out Ben could skim the cream off the ministry
kickbacks while Sam and Rosie took what was left. Ben just had to
be magnanimous. Besides, Sam argued, no one had actually SEEN

10

him spike anyone's drink, so why stir up bad publicity which would
only scare the fish away?
Everybody would be losers if that
happened. They were in the business of selling religious cotton
candy, so why rob the viewers of the magic?
Ben grumbled his forgiveness, then excused himself and left the
sunny terrace to enter the refreshment lounge which overlooked the
swimming pool. Miranda remained sitting at the patio table with
Sam and Rosie as Ben went to the wine cabinet. His back turned to
his friends, Ben popped open a bottle of cabernet sauvignon, then
filled two blue goblets and two pink ones. Quickly Ben peeked out
at the veranda. The three others were laughing and joking as if the
past had never happened. Ben dipped into his pants pocket and
lifted out a tiny plastic bag. Carefully he mixed a fine powder into
the pink goblets with a swizzle stick.
Rosie turned to Miranda and said she needed to be excused to
fix her makeup. At the same time, Ben was startled by a loud crash.
He rushed out of the lounge into the hallway, slamming the door in
annoyance. "Stupid cats!" he yelled. Caldonia and Calpurnia, his
two pampered Persians, were battling it out again, and this time
Ben's favorite Grecian statuette was the casualty, all smashed to
smithereens on the marble floor.
The two cats were still squealing and fighting when Rosie went
to work. She opened the lower compartment of the cabinet and
took out two more blue and two more pink goblets. She poured the
contents of the blue wine cups into the clean pink cups, then filled
the clean blue goblets with wine from the pink ones filled by Ben.
She arranged the cups on the tray, then hurriedly set the empties
inside the balsa cabinet and shut the door. Good, she thought, the
cats are still fighting and I've got time...
Rosie barely finished when she heard Ben shriek and cuss the
cats out. Better hurry, she thought.
By the time the cats calmed down and Ben returned to his
drinks tray, Rosie had reseated herself on the veranda, looking
relaxed.
Ben brought the wine out and said, "Darn cats. That butler's never
around when you need him. Too chicken. Occupational hazard,
breaking up cat fights. See the scratch on my arm?"
"Oh, Ben," Miranda cried, "why don't I ring Gracie and she'll
bring you a Band-aid and Bactine for that?"
"Naw, it's just a tiny booboo. Here, Sam, here's yours." Ben
handed him a pink goblet. "And a rose goblet for Rosie, too."
"To friendship and letting bygones be bygones," said Ben, raising
his glass in a toast.
Miranda got cold feet. Would Ben really go through with such a
rash thing? "Hey, wait a minute!" she cried. "Just because of these
two, we had to spend six weeks drying out in rehab, and our
ministry execs had to release a smokescreen story to the press

11

about alleged food poisoning! She set her glass down. No way! If
you want to forgive those jokers, Ben, go ahead!" Disgusted, she
left the veranda.
"She's still a bit fragile," said Ben. "Nothing a night at the Film
Premiere wouldn't cure. Give her time. Hey, I'll drink with you
guys. To friends," he said.
The glasses clinked and Ben took a long drink. Only when Sam
saw Rosie freely
imbibe did he stop sniffing the edge of his cup
and swallow some himself. Ben finished and then, as if to
compensate for Miranda's hostility, he grabbed Miranda's deserted
glass and drained it on one breath.
"Know what, Sam?" he chortled. We raked in millions from that
Abraham scam. But there's other virgin territory to plunder. David
was rich, Solomon was rich"
Ben said no more. His head wobbled, then he slumped to the
floor. "Oh, my lord!" Rosie cried. "Dj vu! I've done it THIS time!
Sam, call an ambulance!"
It was one full-blown freakout. As Ben whirled through space
and time, a favorite childhood chorus blared through his brain:
The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want
He maketh me down to lie
In Pastures Green He leadeth me
The silent waters by.
Ben's arm felt like it was on fire. Calpurnia's claws sure were
lethal. "Oh, for cool still waters in green pastures," he moaned over
and over. He blacked out.
$$$$$$
"I found him here, my lord, beside the watering hole," Ben
understood someone to say, though curiously, the thought was not
voiced in English, the only language Ben was fluent in.
"Give the man a drink of water and a few raisins to revive him,"
spoke a resonant, commanding voice. "He must have fainted from
the heat. Once he has sufficiently recovered, I shall ask him who
he is and inquire about his origin."
A swarthy man in a turban rubbed oil on Ben's arm. Then he
held an earthenware cup to Ben's mouth until he took a few gulps of
the unfiltered oasis water.
Ben hoped he would not get
Montezuma's Revenge from it. The man produced a small leather
bag and offered Ben some raisins. Curious raisins they were, too,
still attached to a stem and a bit crunchy because they were not
seedless.
But Ben graciously accepted the hospitality of his
rescuers. At least he didn't have Miranda to worry about on this
particular trip. Life in ancient Bible Land was arduous enough

12

without having to put up with her griping.

Ben studied his
surroundings. He lay in a thatch of rough grass, beside a placid
pool. The vegetation was scant and scrubby. Ben peered into the
distance. Craggy hills were gently illumined by a late afternoon sun.
Jagged rocks cast long shadows over the trackless wilderness. Ben
was surrounded by several hundred bearded men garbed in a wide
array of cloaks, tunics and turbans. Some carried spears, others
had quivers of arrows slung across their backs. Shields, whenever
Ben saw them, looked crude and patched together from leather and
wood. Here and there he could see women doing chores or tending
fires next to tents. Many small children ran about playing.
A red-haired man armed with a very long sword circulated
among the men. They acted deferentially toward him, but with
comradely affection. He must be their leader. The man walked with
an air of authority and dignity. He was short and wiry, but appeared
in top physical condition. How noiselessly he moved on his sandaled
feet. Just like an Apache warrior, Ben thought.
The humbly-clad dignitary approached Ben and said: "I am
David, son of Jesse. Who might you be, and where are you from?"
"I am Ben Buck," Ben replied. "I come from very far away. I
am a stranger in this land."
"So how did you come to this place?" David inquired. "You were
half dead when we found you, and talking out of your head."
"I come from the future," said Ben. "I will not be born for
another three thousand years."
David's men guffawed, avowing that they had never heard such
a crazy notion. Ben pulled his cell phone from his pocket and took a
picture of David, who was so startled by the novel experience he
instinctively drew his sword. Ben said, Chill out, I wont post it to
the Internet.
Ben showed David the picture on the tiny screen and said,
"Surely you have never seen a device like this before, which can
reproduce a man's image in an instant. And never have you seen
such clothing as mine." Ben pointed at his suit jacket and his tie,
then the watch on his wrist. "This is called a Rolex. It tells me
what time of day it is. It says that it is four o'clocker, I mean, the
tenth hour of the day. At least that's what time it was when I was
suddenly taken from the land of my origin."
"Surely it is sorcery!" one of the men cried. "David, a conjurer
is in our midst! You must run him through this very moment!"
"Hold your peace, Jubal," replied David. "If this man is not
against us, he must be on our side. Perhaps he is running away
from an adversary, just as we are."
Ben looked at David intently. "David, you will become a man of
great wealth. You are destined to become the king of Israel. One
day you will attain to God's favor and you will no longer have to run
away from your enemy King Saul."

13

David frowned. "And who are you to tell me I do not yet stand
in God's favor?"
"Well, David, isn't it evident that you must be doing something
wrong or you'd be cooling your heels in a palace right now? If God
were already smiling upon you, you would always be comfortable
and well-fed. Your face is hollow from hunger. Where I come from,
we know what those green pastures mean that you're always
singing about." Ben reached in his pocket and withdrew a wad of
cash. "See? These green papers are called dollars. They are what
makes people of my time happy, David. And when God blesses me
with many dollars, I'm lying in green pastures."
David laughed. He picked up a hundred dollar bill and flipped it
in the air. "As flimsy as tree leaves! Can these truly satisfy your
hunger, Ben Buck?"
"Sort of, David. You give these dollars to somebody who runs a
fancy eatery and you can chow down to your heart's content.
Where I come from, dollar bills are worth more than fine gold."
The breeze blew the bill out of Davids hand. Old Jubal caught it
and flipped it into the fire. But it doesnt stand the trial of fire, Ben
Buck! Lookie there!
Ben went ballistic. You gotta be crazy, man! Thats a sin
against the poor! A poor man could buy a mountain of Big Macs
with that money! Youre lucky the feds didnt catch you desecrating
Uncle Sams legal tender! Youd do time in Leavenworth!
"Youre the crazy one, babbling such insanity!" many of the men
called. "The hot sun has roasted your brains, Ben Buck!"
"Perhaps, gentlemen, but if you had enough of those green
bucks you just burnt to a crisp, you and your leader wouldn't have
to roast under a hot desert sun everyday, hungry and thirsty and
running scared like a jack rabbit. Instead, David could sip wine
coolers in a fancy palace and be fanned by slavessince air
conditioning won't be invented till after World War II. David, as a
brother in the Lord I'm going to exhort you: If you would only learn
to release the Force of Faith and start confessing victory, old Saul
would tuck tail and run away from YOU instead of you having to run
away from him, and your father-in-law troubles would be all over."
David shook his head. "Ben Buck, you're babbling foolishness,
and you'd better not speak disrespectfully of my father-in-laweven
if he is trying to kill me. Those green things which float away on the
breeze cannot satisfy my hunger for God, and it is an insult to His
honor to say that they are tokens of His favor. I am a devoted
servant of the One True God. And I love Him for Who He is, not for
what He gives me. The Lord is my Rock and my Salvation. He only
is my defense and my Refuge. In prosperity and in adversity, the
Lord is my Shepherd, now and forevermore."
Buck blushed and bowed his head. "You are a man of great
piety and lofty ideals, David, but my blessings are so real they can

14

be touched. I have many things to thank God for, David. Useful

blessings which improve the quality of my life in the real world."
"Let us not quarrel," said David. "You might very well be a
sorcerer from a foreign land, or even an ordinary man from a land
we know nothing of. But thus far you have done nothing to harm us
and I will not sit in hasty judgment upon you. You will feel better
once you have rested and enjoyed our hospitality for a few days.
Then, if you choose to remain with us, you may begin military
training with my men."
David had an attendant bring his harp. "Do you enjoy music,
Ben Buck?"
"Sure do. I'm sort of an old fogey and I dig Bob Dylan, the
Eagles, Elvis"
"Perhaps this will cure your madness, Ben," said David. He
picked up his harp and began to strum a lovely melody in an ancient
music mode quite unfamiliar to Ben. Ben yawned, then fell asleep
as he lounged on a straw mat beside the still waters.
$$$$$$
Ben's hallucination fast-forwarded to a training field out in the
wilderness.
No matter how Ben tried he could not master the use of the
bow. His forearm, exercised mainly with a computer mouse, was too
weak to wield a sword, or any other ancient weapon. He couldn't
even hit the broad side of a barn with a sling. Every arrow Ben shot
would start out straight, then lurch in an arc and land well short of
the clay target. The other men would point and laugh at him. David
consoled him with a pat on the back. "At least you are trying to
learn. And though you have not yet been born, you are not so
youthful as myself. Pay them no heed, Ben Buck."
"Oh, well, David, what do you expect? All I got in high school
archery was a lazy C. And my personal trainer says my biceps are
turning to butter."
Before long Ben got tired of playing the underdog. Boldly he
said: "It's high time I practiced what I preach! All you guys are
wasting your time, fighting with bows and arrows. Spears and
arrows aren't a Christian way to resolve conflicts! You've gotta fight
spiritual enemies with spiritual weapons. Satan is the one who's
pulling King Saul's strings. The devil's been making Saul chase us
all over the place like a chicken with its head cut off, and right now
I'm gonna teach you guys how to wage war in the invisible realm!"
"Stop whining to God to save you! That's just a religious copout
for spiritual laziness and unbelief! God expects US to take authority
over our enemies and subdue them! Positive confession releases
the Force of Faith to go forth to do battle on your behalf! Speak
unto that problem and order it to go away! We're all hungry, so let's

15

all release the Force of Faith right now to bring us our dinner! Big
Macs, we command you to come to us on every wave to feed us
right now!"
Ben grabbed his midsection and cried: "Nothing yet, but true
faith is persistent! Let's ACT our faith out now! I'm travailing in
birth. The thing I desire is real but it's still in the invisible realm. I
am laboring to bring forth the answer to my need! Ugh! I groan in
childbirth, expecting to see big juicy hamburgers emerge into the
visible realm to feed us! Food, come to us! And while we're at it,
let's fight our enemies! King Saul, I confess that even now, your
mule is sinking in miry clay and you can't go on chasing us! I
confess that we are free to beat our bows and arrows into
plowshares because the power of my faith is even now breaking
yours into toothpicks!

All right, guys, its time for a victory march! Ben shouted.
David, you and the other musicians around here, just grab your
harp and well all march round the campfire, singing. Thats what
we do at our church. I know a good victory song to teach you guys!
Itll beat satans butt in no time!
Soon Ben had the whole brigade beating timbrels, blaring
trumpets, strumming harps and belting out:
Attack! Attack! Get your blessings back
Attack! Attack! And recover the cash
Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition

16

Praise the Lord, we aint a-goin fishin

Grab your gun, send satan on the run
Keep on fightin till the battles won
And if the devil dont like it he can sit on a tack
Sit on a tack
Sit on a tack
If old sluefoot dont like it he can sit on a tack
We cant go back, lets attack!
"David," Ben added for good measure, "come here, I want to
pray for you!
David rolled up his eyes, but approached Ben to see what this
oddball might do next. Ben placed his hand on Davids forehead and
shook it hard.
Davids body guards unsheathed their swords, but he motioned
for them to cool it. Still gripping Davids head like a pit bull terrier,
Ben shouted, By the power of my words I LO-O-O-OSE you from
the bondage of poverty! You are free to become the rich man God
intended you to be!
Ben blew at David. Be slain! he cried. When he remained
standing, Ben gave him a gentle nudge, making him stagger. But
battle-seasoned David quickly regained his footing and shouted,
How dare you lay violent hands on the Lords anointed to slay him!
The clanking of swords almost made Ben pass out. Oh, please,
David, I didnt mean any violence! Thats the way we pray for each
other in my time. You were supposed to fall flat on your back from
my prayer, butoops! I forgot to put a catcher behind you to keep
you from crash landing in the sage brush! Im sorry!
Whats the point of all this? David asked.
My point is this, David. Where I come from Im a very rich man.
Follow my example and God will love you and bless you and lead
you into green pastures just like He's done for me. Ben pointed at
his expensive suit, which looked threadbare and rumpled from
wilderness life. "If only you would dress for success and look like a
child of God, you would deserve to be blessed like a child of God,
and you would ATTRACT success! Never again would you be under
Gods curse of poverty and suffer the penalty of having to dwell in a
dry and thirsty land!
More than a few of David's men shouted angrily and began to
run Ben off. They threw dirt and stones at him. Ben headed for the
hills, huffing and puffing.
Mingled in with the garbled shouting and pinpricks from the dirt
and stones, Ben could hear David shouting, That freaks insane!
Hes mighty mad! Barking mad! Let him go!
$$$$$$

17

A nurse stood above Ben, pricking repeatedly at his arm trying to

locate a fresh vein for his IV drip.
That needs a shave, Dr. Loopy said, pointing to Bens stubbly
chin. He might get mad, but we cant let him go home.
$$$$$$
Ben found himself lying on a cold marble floor. A gruff voice boomed
out: "You dare bring THAT weakling into my presence? Will you call
THAT a fitting tribute to your king?"
Ben opened his eyes. Two scruffy-looking men in rough robes
stood on either side of him. Fearfully they fell to their faces and
whimpered: "O Lord King, we present this man to you as just we
found him lying in the wilderness. We swear by the light of the
moon that we did not first strip him of booty."
A guard rushed over to the two brigands and held a sword up to
the neck of one of them. "You BETTER not have taken anything
from him! From the looks of this poor specimen, his adornments
are worth far more than he is!"
"We swear he is worth his weight in gold, and he came with all
the attachments, " one of the brigands whimpered.
"FOOLS!" the angry voice reverberated. "It is bad enough that
you Bendonites are forever stirring up rebellion against me, and my
wives are nagging me about the latest teen idol craze. But do you
think presenting your King with a weak, middle-aged slave you
scraped up off the side of the road is going to placate my wrath, or
settle past due accounts? You must still make up what is lacking in
the tribute your tribe owes! And you'd better have it by this time
next week! GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!" The Kings secret service
hustled the bedraggled Bedouins outside.
Once Ben's head cleared, he sat unsteadily up. The sight took
his breath away. This was the mother of all audience chambers, in
the mother of all palaces. Las Vegas looked like a convent by
comparison. Why, this was an archaeologist's paradise. Porcelain
columns sparkled with gold trim. Gorgeous oriental tapestries
adorned walls inlaid with intricate mosaics. Ben saw twelve golden
lions, one on each end of six carpeted marble steps which ascended
to a dazzling throne of gold-plated ivory. Seated upon it was a
stern-looking monarch with jet-black curls cascading to his
shoulders. It must be Solomon, thought Ben, the richest king in all
of history. At least Ben had got that part of his prosperity preaching
right! Solomon's bejeweled crown was so massive Ben wondered if
his head ached from its weight. The King wore a richly embroidered
robe of red scarlet adorned with rows of precious stones. He held a
diamond-tipped scepter. Liveried attendants stood on either side of
him, holding ostrich plume fans. Fair young maidens knelt on the

18

floor, softly strumming harps for his pleasure. Hundreds of

handsomely bedecked courtiers stood in silent wonderment before
this most glorious of earthly sovereigns.
"Who are YOU!" demanded the King. He stared down at Ben as
if he were a bug.
Bens brain whirled. This was Davids son, and surely he would
have been told about Ben Buck being run off from Davids camp.
Weakly he sputtered, "I am ah Ben Balaam, sire. I come from a
city called El Dinero. It is many miles from here. I am from the
future. I will not be born for another 3,000 years, sire.
The whole court guffawed. The King only grew angry. "You are
either the basest of fools or a total madman. If you knew what the
penalty is for lying to your king, you would not play the jester
before me. But I will put you to the test to see whether you are a
liar or a fool, which my court already abounds. If you truly are from
the future, then surely you would know what shall befall me and my
house in the coming years. Will my dynasty continue?"
"It will, Your Majesty." Ben swallowed hard.
"And who shall succeed me as king?"
"A son called Rehoboam, sire."
"Will he be a wise man, or a fool?"
Ben blinked. He desperately hoped that Solomon would not
make him reveal the future rebellion of ten tribes of Israel against
Rehoboam, or the rise of Jeroboam to rule over the rebel tribes.
WILL HE BE WISE? the king thundered.
Ahsire, we are all mortal men. It is not for such a lowly worm
as myself to sit in judgment on the Crown Prince as being a wise
man or a fool. Even the wisest of men do foolish things, and even a
fool can redeem himself and become wise. Your son Rehoboam will
show himself to be a decisive man of firm leadership who does not
cave in to the whims of weaker men. Rehoboam will be a man of
iron will who will make solid decisions and carry them out. Others
will try to change him, but he will not bend like a reed in the wind.
Rehoboam will bow to no man and what he starts he shall surely
finish. Such an admirable trait in a man, sire. You really should be
proud of him." Ben hoped against hope Solomon would not press
the point about whether his dynasty would continue, or some spear
point might press him!
The king nodded, satisfied. "Have you any other words of
wisdom for me, Ben Balaam?"
"Your Majesty, I just happened to overhear your lamentation
about how your wives want some new teen idols constructed.
Perhaps I might be of some service. Where I come from, I amassed
a large fortune by mass marketing religious paraphernalia. Religion
is big business in my land, sire."

19

The king raised his bushy eyebrows. "You are not of my nation
Israel, I presume? Your beardlessness and strange apparel testify of
foreign origin."
Ben rubbed his face, riddled with nicks from the flint razor hed
shaved with in past weeks. "I am from America, a land which will
not even come into existence for 2700 more years. If it please the
King, I can present evidence for that." Ben reached into his jacket
pocket and withdrew a laminated card. "This is my state drivers
license, with my name and picture on it, and the date of issue." An
attendant handed it to Solomon.
"I cannot decipher that strange script," said Solomon. "Care to
explain it to me?"
Ben did so, further elaborating on the meaning of the date as
reflecting the number of years since the birth of Christ.
"He is the One I preach about," Ben casually said. "He is My
heavenly King. I serve Him well, and the rewards are great. See the
ruby ring on my finger, and the watch on my wrist? It tells me the
time of day, and in my country, only men of means wear these
elegant adornments."
The ruler studied Buck's hands and frowned. "I am not so sure
about the purity of your heart, only that you are a shrewd man of
high ambition. Solomon turned Bens hands over and felt them.
Hm-m-m...your hands are smooth except for a bit of a callus
where the left thumb meets the forefinger, and calluses at the joints
of the right fingers. You are quite unused to heavy toil, but I
surmise that you might have been an archer at some stage in your
life. Am I correct?
Yes, Your Majesty, but a third-rate one. I did not get this
beautiful watch or this ruby ring through the wages of manual
labor. Ben swallowed hard. If he didnt grease some influential
palm fast, he might be dispatched to the salt mines. Sire, my
fingers are pudgier than yours, so my rings wouldnt fit you, but the
watch ought to adjust nicely to your wrist. Would you like to try it
on?
The King slid it on his left wrist. He stared wonderingly at the
platinum gold band and all the futuristic features of the timepiece.
It is magic! cried the King. See how the little arrow circles round
its tiny face!
Ben grinned. Oh, yes, your Majesty. And notice the little crown
logo. This watch was made specially for men of distinction like you!
I came back in time just to present it to you and to learn all about
your great wisdom, and how you got so rich! But as you know, I
was waylaid by brigands on my way here. That is why my clothing
is so rumpled and dirty.
It is clothing such as I have never seen, said Solomon. Coarse
in texture compared to mine. It reminds me of a gray owl with a

20

ribbon of scarlet adorning its breast, and it is sober compared to

my own attire.
A gray owl, you said? Ben grinned. In my land, sire, owls are
reputed to be birds of wisdom. So I wear the garments of wisdom
when I cater to my peoples religious needs.
Whatever, said Solomon, but wolves can appear in sheeps
clothing, and a jackass
can feign himself to be an owl. You say
your name is Ben Baalam. That means son of Balaam. Balaam
was a wizard who got the children of Israel into hot water with
God.
Oh, no, your Majesty, that Balaams not MY dad! cried Ben.
Youre talking about some other Balaam. I come from a different
country than that crumb did. I dont lead people into hot water with
God, I lead them to still waters in green pastures!
Your attire IS dirty from your travels. said the King. We shall
remedy that. We have plenty of clothing in your size, and your
raiment shall be appointed unto you, since you will remain here in
my service indefinitely. Youre a bit unpolished around the edges,
but I like you, Ben Balaam.
And I have so much talent to offer Your Majesty, said Ben. My
skill in marketing religious paraphernalia made me rich enough to
buy Rolexes and ruby rings. I also had a horseless chariot which
moved faster than a bowshot!
That is remarkable, said Solomon. I cannot yet dispense with
my horses, but my fleet of chariots are on the cutting edge of
technology and theyre the envy of every other king on earth. What
else did you possess, Ben Balaam?
I had three elegant mansions loaded with hi-tech mod
cons...but, of course, they were all tar paper shacks compared to
your pad. But I had a happy home. And a happy home is a
beautiful home. Speaking of keeping your home happy, I would
remind your Majesty of my expertise in all things religious. If your
wives need me to design a few religious icons for them, Im at
their...ah...your service, sire. No problem, Ben thought, I saw
some weird-looking totem poles in Alaska, so I can draw blueprints
for some scary images.
The King struggled to stifle a chuckle. You certainly are a
heathen rogue, arent you, Ben Balaam, wanting to be of service to
my harem? Youre really offbeat, too. When my father was in the
wilderness recruiting men of war, they came from all walks of life.
Some were fools, yet only a few were wise. Others were barking
mad. One madman in particular incurred my fathers displeasure
because he kept saying things which lowered the other mens
morale. That man had the easiest MOS in the army. All he had to
do was watch the baggage while the others fought. That, in itself,
was no disgrace, since my father considered it an honorable calling
to guard the baggage if you were too weak to fight. But this

21

particular chap was so cowardly he would hide under the camel

furniture whenever he heard the approach of distant hoofbeats. One
day he laid low while a few foxes invaded the chuck wagon and
made off with a few legs of mutton. And if that wasnt bad enough,
he let his comrades know they had fallen out favor with the
Almighty because why would they always be broke and on the run,
unless their ways were not pleasing unto the Lord? The other men
got tired of giving that babbling fool the benefit of the doubt, so
they chased that jackal out of the camp in nothing flat.
Bens heart was in his mouth. If I may inquire, Majesty, what
was his name?
Ben Buck. My father told me that mans vain babblings were so
foolish they were unworthy of being repeated to me. I believe he
was an itinerant sorcerer with a bagful of magic tricks trying to con
an easy living out of others because he was too slothful to get a real
job. But all my father cared to tell me was what an ungrateful,
arrogant jackass the fellow was, the way he cast aspersions on my
fathers relationship with God.
But what do you expect? sighed
Solomon. Envy is the rottenness of the bones and that rotten
rogue envied those brave enough to go into battle. But dont you
think its a bit fishy that both of you are Bens and both of you
claimed to come from the future? I hope you arent lying about
your true identity. Ben heard a sword being drawn.
Oh, no, sire! Theres a multitude of time travelers tripping on
the highways and byways, and I definitely am not Ben Buck! I
swear it on a stack of Strongs Concordances!
I am a king of judgment and justice and I do not condemn a
man until his guilt is firmly established, said Solomon. Besides,
our country teems with colorful characters with odd monickers.
Theres no end of Mahalaleels, Mephibosheths and Maher-shalalhash-bazes running about. And our land abounds with Bens. Ben
Judah, Ben Ammon, Ben Hadad, and countless Bens of Belial. But
theres only one Ben Buck, and youre much too prudent and
intelligent to have been the babbling brook of idiocy my fathers
men drove into the wilderness.
That is true, Majesty. Ben was very relieved. Others always
underestimate me, and had I been such an idiot, I would never
have been so clever at money-making in my own land. Where it
concerns prying money out of tight fists, I have few equals. And
religion is my specialty, sire.
Your religion, such as it is, has served your own purposes well,
replied Solomon. Even heathens from far-off lands need to get
their daily dose of religion. Just ask the Queen of Sheba. But I will
let some other heathen carve a few idols for my wives. You say you
are not that same coward my fathers men drove from the camp.
Well, I shall prove you to make certain you are not lying to me. You
shall be put to work collecting my tribute from the disgruntled

22

populace. If you survive the ordeal it will prove you are a prudent
man with a persuasive tongue. If you are killed in the line of duty
you will prove you are no coward. But if you tuck tail and run, you
will show yourself to be that same yellow jackal who called into
question my fathers friendship with God. No other assignment I
could give you demands so much courage as the post of royal
revenue agent. Daily my tax agents face hostility and stones. Are
you prepared to prove yourself to your king, Ben Balaam?
Ben gulped. "I can charm money out of a Scottish Scrooge,
Majesty.
Very well, then. You shall be shown to your quarters, fed your
dinner, and shown the hospitality of my palace. Tomorrow you shall
be briefed on the minutiae of your mission. Dismissed, Ben.
Liveried servants led Ben away.
And so it came to pass that Ben Buck lived off the fat of the
land. His apartment in the palace was most luxurious. Whenever it
got hot pretty slave girls fanned him. Miranda could wait. What
more could a man want? Ben didn't go hungry. He dined on the
most exquisite kosher cuisine and dressed in the finest silks. Every
day except the Sabbath Ben would be ferried about in a royal
chariot to visit towns and villages to collect the King's tribute.
Bens entourage stopped off at one farm where a haggardlooking woman was hauling bundles of hay on her back. She
looked cross and miserable. Ben got no warm welcome, though she
had to show him respect. "I suppose you're here to collect straw for
the King to feed all his fancy horses!" she grumbled. "No matter
that ours will have to starve this winter!"
Her husband stood nearby. He, being more timid than she,
gasped in horror. "Bridle your tongue, Miriam! Show respect to the
King's ambassador!"
Her eyes flashed. "I will not! Our animals are wasting away for
want of what is taken from us! I'm sick of slaving all day under a
hot sun while Solomon's heathen wives prance around in luxury at
our expense!"
By now dozens of hired hands were milling about, ears wide
open.
Ben tried to placate her. "Sister Miriam, I'm not here to hurt
you, only to teach you the principles of sowing and reaping to make
you richer. Cast your hay upon the wagon and it will come back to
you on every amber wave of grain."
"You lie! Just like all the other money-grubbing bureaucrats who
plague the Lord's land! We were liberated from Pharaoh only to
become slaves of Big Government!"
Ben got mad. "If you guys would learn how to confess
prosperity and dress prosperity, it wouldn't be long before YOU sat
on the throne too! Lady, if your husband would shave that fur off his
face, hed see a new man staring back at him from the still waters!

23

Get yourself a wardrobe consultant! You wont get far looking like a
skid row bum! It's a sin to be poor and hungry, so repent of your
poverty right NOW!"
Miriam yelled that she made her own garments, real men wore
beards, and it was the rich whod kept her family poor.
You know Im right, lady! And if youd take that bed sheet off
your head that you threw on it to hide your bad hair day and go get
an image makeover, you could climb up the social ladder a little!
Solomon's dad David was poor as a church mouse but he got up off
his duff and got rich! And now his son Solomon is the richest gogetter in all human history! You're all poor because you've got no
faith and can't see past your next bowl of pottage! Serves you
right!"
Miriam spat at Ben. Immediately she was seized by Ben's
attendants.
The boldest of the hired workers raised a pitchfork and cried:
"Save our mistress! We are free men, not slaves!"
The royal chariot got stormed by a mob of furious farm workers.
One of the peasants got nicked by a spear and retreated to doctor
himself, but the others capsized the chariot, making the horses
stumble and squeal. The peasants pummeled the king's men with
pomegranates they owed as tribute. In the confusion Miriam broke
free and ran to safety. The workers held no swords, but they vastly
outnumbered their aristocratic foes. They picked up handstaves
and other implements and attacked the king's servants, whose
hearts melted with fear when they saw a squadron of angry country
folk fanned out over the horizon, rushing toward them and making
war whoops.
Someone set fire to the king's hay wagon. Stones began to fly.
Ben got hit in the head as he hobbled away, followed by panicky
wagoners who deserted the flaming tribute.
After so many years of sad, nodding surrender to their demands,
Bens royal guard wasnt at all prepared for this. Even if they picked
off a few of the peasants, they were hopelessly outnumbered and
would get killed anyway. So they tucked tail and ran, leaving Ben to
fend for himself. But Ben was far more afraid of Solomons wrath
than anything the peasants could do to him.
Before the crowd could seize Ben to tear him limb from limb, he
vanished before their eyes. His last lucid thought was amazement
that a common TV preacher like himself had actually sparked off the
mother of all civil wars. One which would cost Davids dynasty ten
of the nations twelve tribes and would end the Golden Age of
Israel. Ben had saved rude, reckless Rehoboam the bother of doing
it himself.
$$$$$$

24

Ben woke up in the observation unitagain. A nurse stood above

him, adjusting his IV drip. "Man, I got stoned big time," Ben
moaned.
"You sure did! the nurse scolded. "My word, you preachers sure
do live dangerous lives. But it's true what they say. Still waters
run deep."

TRIP THREE
BLESS THE BREAD BASKETS
It took Brother Ben Buck only about fifteen minutes to finish his
introductory sermonette on the widow and her miraculous jar of oil.
It doesnt matter how little your storehouse is, Ben said in a low
voice. The good Lord can surely multiply it back to you a hundredfold.
Ben paced and danced onstage in his glitter jacket, trimmed in
sparkly gold and set with thousands of shiny metallic rhinestones.
His stage costumes, powered by tiny solar cells, were the cutting
edge of IT technology. Each rhinestone was attached to a tiny chip
and was remote-controlled by a master computer high above the
auditorium. Mike the Mood Man, observing high overhead in the
control room, would program Bens rhinestones to glow in different
colors, either brightly or softly depending on the mood of the
moment. Every other stone might glitter in glory gold, with
neighboring stones emitting orange, green, red, blue or violet
tones. During the holy hush segment of the service, the technician
could even cause Bens jacket to shine brilliantly in purest white.
If the service was hot and Bens preaching and body language
were on fire, the warm tones in Bens jacket would be activated.
His attire would be set afire in a blaze of reddish hues set in
motion by a few pulsating gold gems. But if Ben was in a reflective
mood, the suit would cool down to a sparkly violet or turquoise,
as the stage lights were subtly muted and ethereal choral music
mellowed the atmosphere. Ben often swore his suits did half his
preaching for him! Having church was a piece of cake with such
special effects, and besides, Bens electronic wizardry added
mystique to his miracle services! Only when Ben was about to
drown in his own sweat would he whip the jacket off and hand it to
an assistant. The people would generally attribute that to Ben
praying more earnestly and travailing in battle with the devil.
Ben preached prosperity, but he didnt look like an office fixture.
His tousled auburn hair covered his ears and brushed the collar of
his salvation suit. Balding Sam was rather jealous of Ben, whose

25

longish hair was so expertly styled, conditioned and high-lighted.

Ben often made the excuse that his hairstyle helped hide his
elephant ears which he didnt really want to have surgically pinned
back.
But Brother Buck didnt want the real reason he hid his ears
leaked to the press. For the final two hours of each miracle service
Ben would prance around shouting hallelujah and calling out
names of afflicted people, received by revelation. Miranda and her
staff of hospitality hostesses would circulate around the door and
vestibule of the auditorium, getting to know those arriving for the
four-hour-long service. No one suspected the real reason Miranda
carried a big purse with her wherever she went. Her nifty little
recorder missed nothing which could fatten Bens data base, or his
bank account.
Nestled in Bens left ear was a barely visible pink radio receiver
which gave supernatural insight into Sister Parkers pains, or
Brother Guss gout. Info from the control room would be
transmitted to Bens bug over a low frequency, telling him where
Sister Slater was standing in the crowd, what she was wearing,
where she lived, and how she was worried sick about her sinuses.
Guided by the high-pitched voice on the transmitter, Ben would
slowly make his way down an aisle and pick out that precious one
who languished under a heavy load. Ben would pray the prayer of
faith over selected sick people, while catchers stood nearby to
help lower each one gently to the floor as Ben bestowed a power
touch to each forehead.
Ben would reassure each supplicant that the healing might
take time, and meanwhile, a little leap of faith on their part sure
wouldnt hinder their heaven-sent blessing from coming. Time after
time hed hear such comments as, Praise the Lord! How on earth
did you know who I was, Brother Ben? You even knew where I live!
Youre the real thing, man, I can tell!
It took a mini-miracle for Ben to get out of one trap set for him
by a skeptic who was on to his tricks. A broad-shouldered lady
wearing a long floral skirt, jewelry and thick makeup stood in the
healing line one evening, after being screened by the personal
workers. As usual, the special cases were discreetly rounded up
and herded to a backstage room so Ben could concentrate on those
he had a personal word for. People cried out in ecstasy as each
one received reassurance that God was on their side, and the
answer to their prayers was just around the corner. His eyes tightly
shut, Ben blessed the miracle seekers and panted under the hot
lights.
Ben laid hands on the lady in the floral skirt. Thats Sister Dusty
Thompson, the ear bug revealed. Shes got severe PMS, so bad it
gives her mental problems. She lives at 333 Jefferson Drive, in
Hodgetown.

26

Ben approached the lady, his eyes glazed in a faraway look.

Precious one, he breathed, the Lord knows your affliction, and
truly I say unto you that you shall never again be plagued with
PMS
The sick man sitting next to the lady abruptly rolled his wheel
chair back to give her more room. The wheel caught the ladys
voluminous skirt in its spokes. Eeeek! she squeaked. Her slip was
showing, but so were her legs.
A warning blared through Bens ear bug: Get away from that
woman, Ben! Its a set-up! Hes a stooge! His legs are all hairy!
Before Ben could break free, his arm was seized in an iron grip.
The infiltrator whipped off a platinum blond wig, revealing a crew
cut. He yelled as loud as he could: Just thought everybody should
know! Brother Ben just healed a transvestite of his PMS!
People gasped, then laughed. But instead of freaking out Ben
put his arm around Dustys shoulders and shouted: Can you praise
the Lord, everybody! Dusty heres just gotten healed of PMS!
Pulmonary Mandibular Shingles! Hallelujah! Sudddenly a rainbow
cross appeared on the breast of Bens jacket, which turned a
brilliant white.
Hallelujah! many called. Its a miracle!
Beneath the jubilation Ben whispered not-so-softly and
tenderly to Dusty: Better not try any more tricks, sugar, or Ill
punch your lights out after the show!
To Bens relief, most everybody was wowed by his supernatural
knowledge of their names, addresses and distresses. Surely theyd
get their miracle here.
Usually the healing segment of Bens long service would be put
off until after the green sheaves were safely garnered into the big
buckets. Today Ben used this pitch: At this time I would remind
you that Green Manna Ministries is reaching out to the community
in its continuing crusade against drug and alcohol abuse. There are
many desperate, hurting men out on the streets who need a helping
hand. Brothers, and sisters, please prayerfully ponder the message
you are about to witness before your eyes on our overhead
screens.
A video of a homeless man taking refuge under a drippy
doorway appeared on monitors strategically placed above the stage
area and throughout the vast auditorium. Ben appeared in the film,
bending down to give him a sandwich and a word of
encouragement. After five minutes of Ben strolling through littered
alleyways and past rowdy bars, asking drug addicts if they knew
Jesus, Ben closed with a cry in his voice: These men need to be
saved! You can make a difference by contributing to our Aid for
Addicts program. Please provide badly needed nourishment for
precious drug and liquor addicts like these. God bless you!

27

Ben thanked the crowd for their attention and said, Our ushers
will collect the offering now, as I perform our ministrys theme song.
Inside the buckets youll find some yellow cards. Please take one of
these cards and prayerfully consider filling it out. On this Share
With Those in Despair Card you can divulge your bank details,
should you wish to make a standing donation to be deducted
monthly from your bank account. Our ushers will go round, then
return shortly to your section to collect your completed cards.
Besides regular contributions we also welcome one-time
donations by debit card, credit card, cash or check. Perhaps many
of you have felt led to tithe faithfully to the work of the Lord. And
what better ground could you sow some of your tithing seed into
than Green Manna Ministries, one of the few ministries which offers
help and comfort to those in bondage to beer, wine, whiskey, or
drugs?

At this time we are offering a very special love gift to those

who give sacrificially to the work of Green Manna Ministries.
Brother Sams gonna tell you all more, and, there he is coming
onstage now, so now Ill turn the mike over to him.
As the crowd cheered, Ben asked, Brother Sam, what have we
got for our extra special love gift this month?
To swelling applause Sam shouted with a cheesy smile, Praise
the Lord! Praise Jesus! Sam was holding a twin-handled porcelain
jug embellished with ornate figurines. Brothers and sisters, we
28

want to show our appreciation for all our very special friends who
give a sacrificial gift of $100 or more this month: this Mighty Miracle
Oil Jug. Each jug, hand-crafted specially for you in rare Grecian
Alabaster, is nine inches high, with scalloped handles and a tapered
spout. Each jug is individually hand-glazed and adorned with
mother-of-pearl. Each one is patterned after the earthenware used
by aristocratic families in ancient Biblical times.
It will be a
perpetual reminder that like the widow whose supply never ran dry,
you were faithful to pour out your most sacrificial gift unto the Lord.
Ushers, come forward for our offertory prayer, please.
Seeing the crowd was in a buoyant mood, Ben motioned for the
orchestra to play the intro to
his ministry theme song.
Triumphantly Ben waved his jeweled and Rolexed hands and began
to sing See Me Wear This Ring:
That devils been givin me trouble
Since Ive been born again
But since I read my Bible
It showed me ways that I could win
God took this sad-faced sorry son of a gun
Made me one of His chosen sons
See me wear this ring
Im a child of the King
And the devil cant get me down
No-o-o-o
And the devil cant get me down!
*****
So many folks a-moanin and groanin
Only faith can set them free
To get out of a jam
Open wide your hand
Youll attract prosperity
Oh, wont you come share a blessing with me
Plant a money seed to meet your need
Plant a blessing seed
Be a child of the King
And the devil won't get you down
No-o-o-o
And the devil won't get you down!
*****
If you're down to your last penny
Sow a seed and you'll receive

29

Go out and borrow more money

Make a vow out of your need
Just mail more mites like the widow
And your blessings will overflow
Make a vow of faith
And you'll make no mistake
And that devil won't keep you down
No-o-o-o
And that devil won't keep you down!
*****
Ben belted out this refrain, in an operatic tone:
When old Sluefoot comes a-callin'
To pinch my dollars and dimes
Get your hooks off my dollars I HOLLER-R-R-R
You dirty rotten bucket of slime!
Im a-buildin a mansion in glory
With bricks of gorgeous green
The ritziest palace is a-waitin for me
That eye hath ever seen
No devil in hell can stop me
From livin like a king
See me wear this watch
I've come out on the top
'Cause no devil could keep me down
No-o-o-o
'Cause old sluefoot can't keep me down!
*****
Ben danced and sang to synthesized bagpipe chords and a
throbbing drumbeat:
Youll feel so good if you give like you should
Cast your wampum on the waters now
Dont you grumble just hustle
Make them dollars rustle
Toss em into the bucket now
Better stop and think
Dont you make a clink
Only birds oughta go cheep cheep!
See me wear this ring

30

Im a child of the King

And the devil cant get me down
No-o-o-o
And the devil cant get me down!
*****
A swirling harp intro launched Ben on this verse:
I got a great big piece of blessing pie
You can see before your eyes
I got a great big castle in the skies
In a land where no one dies
I got cars and stars in my glory crown
Youll never see this feller frown
See me wear this ring
I'm a child of the King
And the devil can't get me down
No-o-o-o
And the devil can't get me down!
*****
A gentle o-o-o-o-ing aria from the choir, a muted twinkling of
blue stage lights, a somber reflective look on Bens face, then he
earnestly sang:
Faith gives me showers of power
To shout and dance and sing
If ya got a need
Just plant a seed
The buckets are a-comin round
Make a joyful noise
All ye girls and boys
Get a star in your glory crown
And you'll get the ring
Of a child of the King
And the devil won't get you down
No-o-o-o
And the devil won't get you down!
*****
An abrupt brightening of the lights, then a rolypoly man, dressed in
a red-striped shirt and straw hat skittered onstage. He bowed to the
audience, then strummed a ukulele to Bens frantic plea:

31

If youre in a pickle
Dont fiddle with nickels
Take a tenner from your wallet now
If ya wanna have plenty
Just toss in twenty
And I dont mean peanuts, pal
Write a big fat check
Go to heaven, not heck
Put your money where your mouth is now
See me wear this ring
Im a child of the King
And the devil cant get me down
No-o-o-o
And the devil cant get me down!
*****
Bens voice swelled up into a brassy refrain:
When ol sluefoot comes a-callin
To cause commotion within
Get your hooks off my dollars I HOLLER-R-R-R-R
You dirty rotten sack of sin!
Im gonna sing and shout
Cast the devil out
With a mighty cry of victory
Gonna tell the story
To the saints in Glory
How I left a life of poverty
O won't you come and join with me
In the great glad jubilee
Plant your blessing seed
Be a child of the King
And the devil won't keep you down
No-o-o-o
And the devil won't keep you down!
*****
Ben scratched his head and said: Honest Injun, folks, I'm tryin'
to stop, but I absolutely swear Ill shut up after I share just one
more secret for successful livin...

32

A banjo player rushed onstage strumming at top speed as Ben

belted out:
If ya wanna be a winner
Dont be a sinner
Cast your wampum on the waters now
Pass the buckets round
Make a joyful sound
Be a joyful jolly giver now
Bring all your cares to the man upstairs
And hell shower you with your fair share
See me wear this ring
Im a child of the King
And the devil cant get me down
No-o-o-o
Ben whirled on his heel and boomed out his finale with a blast from
his big brass band:
And the devil cant get me dow-ow-ow-own
Down! Dow-ow-ow-own! YEAH!
*****
Some in the crowd grumbled about why should Ben fish for
funds when he bragged he was already so rich, but even more
people just shrugged and figured that even if Ben had a few screws
loose he was good entertainment and well worth his pay. Ben wasnt
a bad singer, and his nasal New York street twang was perfect for
the carnie lyrics he sang. Some said Ben should have been born
back in the days of the traveling snake oil circus act.
Ben wasnt finished yet. The camera zoomed on up to his
cherubic face, lifted up to the bright stage lights. Piano notes tinkled
slowly and Bens suit softened to a pale violet as he lowered his
eyes and stretched forth his hands. Has that old devil been
bothering you, brothers and sisters? Do you feel sometimes like
satans got his army encamped round about you and no matter
what you do, he makes all your hopes and dreams collapse like a
house of cards? Do you ever lay awake at night staring at the
stars, crying out in the desolation of your soul: O God! Where ARE
you! Bens head jerked back and he made a shuddering sigh.
Softly and tenderly Ben whispered, Well, you arent alone in
your hour of trial, brothers and sisters.
In fact, our Lord is
everywhere. John the Baptist knew his own dark hour of despair.
Johns foes were as numerous as the stars of heaven.

33

John was the odd man out, folks, but he was in the Kingdom of
God.
John went around in a garment of camels hair. Johns
religious enemies questioned his sanity because he wore such a
rough garment. But John dressed for success. Camel hair was the
Duralast Polyester of his day. And the leather belt John wore
complemented his power suit, just like my purple tie does my
tailored jacket. John wore his designer suit with pride, folks. It
symbolized his humble ministry of helping and caring. It reminded
John of his unique calling. Somehow I believe that sackcloth
garment comforted Johns soul as he wandered in his lonely
wilderness. It reminded John that he was chosen and hand-picked
by God, and his enemies werent.
As my personal love gift to all my friends far and wide, Id like
to send a sample of the camel hair which went into the design of
Johns exclusive garment. And when you receive your Join John in
Victory Camel Patch, Id urge everyone to follow four simple steps:
First anoint it with oil. If you dont have any olive oil, try corn oil or
Crisco. Secondly, pray over it, and make the prayer last at least five
minutes so it will get prioritized in heaven. Thirdly, stuff the
Anointed Camel Patch into your pillow case and sleep on it. And
last of all, the very next morning, you need to wrap a special onetime love gift of 33 dollars around this precious patch. This amount
symbolizes the years John the Baptist walked this earth. Just do
this once, and see if your miracle doesnt come!
At this time I have a very special announcement for all our faith
partners: Our ministry has been bequeathed with a treasure which
has been passed down from generation to generation. A Bedouin
man named Kordakoo Dimini Tortella watched our satellite
broadcasts for years. Kordakoo had so many problems in his life no
one could help him. Well, Kordakoo got to feeling so much better
by watching us that he went behind his unbelieving relatives back
and signed over their most precious family heirloom to our ministry.
We sent one of our care workers to Tunga Hunga, the village where
he lived, to pick it up and personally meet Kordakoo.
Kordakoo died from unknown causes not long after he donated
the family heirloom to us. Kordakoo, wherever you are, may you
rest in peace, Ben sniffled. Anyhow, this precious heirloom has
been kept carefully preserved in an airtight casket. All these years
Kordakoos entire family had been sworn to absolute secrecy, so no
outsiders knew of its existence until recently.
Lest anyone be tempted to scoff about the authenticity of the
treasure I am about to reveal to you, I would remind you of this: At
death the body gradually deteriorates until only bone remains,
which gradually returns to dust. But hair filaments endure for
thousands of years. Yes, thats right, folks. We have access to a
most wondrous artifact: the hair of none other than the mighty
Samson. And how did Kordakoos family acquire this precious

34

treasure? At this time I would urge everyone to pay close attention

to a very special love storythe story of one man who once was lost
but now is found and has been blessed with the Bread of Life.
An ad for the love gift appeared onscreen. Sams businesslike
voice narrated as samples of the rare archaeological find were
shown, still speckled with fresh dirt. Kordakoo, a swarthy man
speaking a strange dialect through an interpreter, testified to how
Green Manna Ministries had brought restoration and healing to his
life, and how he was so grateful he was donating the most precious
thing he owned to show his love for the Lord.
Sam appeared on the video, saying: Centuries ago, a nomadic
herdsman dug deep in the earth searching desperately for water.
His herds and flocks were dying of thirst. That man kept on digging
and digging until he found fragments of ancient pottery. But that
wasnt all. He found gold armbands and jewels worn by the lords of
the Philistines who mocked Samson before his death. On further
investigation, a set of slender hand bones was excavated from the
rubble, still clutching a big bunch of black hair, coiled into curling
locks, just like the Bible states that Samson wore his hair before
Delilah cut it. Theres an ancient nomadic legend that Delilah was
present at the party where poor blind Samson was mocked just
before his death. And she was waving the hair she stole from the
mighty Samson, mocking him that shed cut off his power and there
was no further hope for him. But Samsons hope was in God.
We have actually acquired the title deed to the actual hair
Samson left behind when he was betrayed by the wicked Delilah.
But we would like to share it with our most faithful faith partners.
Each precious lock of the actual hair of Samson is bound with a
jeweled gold clasp. And on that clasp is inscribed these words: A
crown of glory.
God bless you, Brothers and Sisters. This is your
Partner in Prosperity, Sam Malone, signing off from the Middle
Eastern village of Tunga Hunga.
Samson and Delilah was my favorite bedtime story, Ben said
reverently, because in the end, the bad guys were the losers! That
devious devil Delilah hadnt counted on Samsons hair growing back
while he was grinding grain in prison. Samsons hair was a symbol
of his vow of consecration unto the Lord, and a precious reminder
that Gods people can have power over the enemy. The Bible
records that at his death, Samson killed 3000 Philistines, more than
hed slain in his entire lifetime! So there you have it, folks. Samson
was a huge man with a thick head of hair. The hair originally cut off
by Delilah weighed about three pounds, because from his birth up
until his betrayal by Delilah he had never had it cut in his whole
life.
The lights dimmed. Piano music softly played. Three thousand
enemies, saints.
Thats how many foes Samson vanquished
through his precious faith in Almighty God. Will you join our 3000

35

Remnant this month, folks? All it takes is saying, Yes, Lord, Im

willing to go the extra mile to help Brother Buck help others.
Samson made a vow, Lord, and Im willing to make a vow too. A
vow of 3000 dollars. I know its hard to donate even one dollar,
Lord, so I will triumph over 3000 temptations to be selfish, just like
Samson killed 3000 of his own enemies. Im serious with you, Lord,
and whatever it takes to pay toward the fulfillment of my vow of
faith, Im willing to do.
Jesus gave His all for you, brothers and sisters, and now He
needs for you to meet His own need. To the first thousand who
respond in faith by sealing their faith with a vow of $3000 dollars
or more, we will send a lock of hair from the head of mighty
Samson, just like you saw in the video. For all our home viewers,
our toll-free phone number and e-mail are displayed on the bottom
of your screen. Your generous contribution will keep our faith
ministry on the air, and will extend a helping hand to poor alcohol
and drug addicts who have nowhere else to turn for help.
Be a hero like mighty Samson, brothers and sisters. Its hard to
be a hero, and it takes lots of guts to go out on a limb to be one.
Talk is cheap. Prove your love for Jesus. Provide daily bread to feed
those poor men out in the gutters, so thirsty for the kind of
refreshment only our love can provide. Please help us be your
hands extended so we can reach out to these precious addicts with
warm blankets, physical nourishment and also nourishment for their
souls, as we provide them the most up-to-date translations of the
Bible.
After the patient crowd had been thoroughly bilked and milked
with tears and pleas, Ben finally got around to his thrilling miracle
show. Those last two hours would fly by, and people hoping for a
personal touch from Ben would glance at their watches and hope
hed still have time to make his way up their aisle to call them out
for personal prayer. Anybody who got their blessing from Ben Buck
would walk on cloud nine. Strangely enough, though, Ben seemed
to specialize in psychosomatic ailments and emotional afflictions,
some of which could be helped by forgiving others, knocking off
junk food or downing a couple of aspirin.
Any big challenge to Bens faith would be sidestepped by the
staff. The most persistent of the seriously sick would be taken to a
special prayer room for consultation with Bens prayer warriors
who would say a prayer over them. When the invalid in the
wheelchair couldnt rise up and the blind didnt see, they would be
counseled to wait in expectation through this trial of patience
because the seed needs time to grow. Then those who didnt need
to return to anyone in the auditorium or pick up personal belongings
would be encouraged to go home right away and commune
privately with the Lord. Then they would be discharged through a
rear exit which they could not reenter. But at least those precious

36

souls were kept well away from the scrutiny of skeptics in the
stadium crowd.
Another happy, upbeat meeting finished by Ben. Another
overflowing offering. The jostling crowd was dismissed with a jaunty
jingle. Ben skipped and clapped and shouted: God bless you!
Until we meet again, go with God!
$$$$$$
Sam Malone shared Bens thrill at the generosity of the jolly crowds
who responded in faith. Desperate people who kept on believing
Bens ABC Faith formula would surely deliver their miracle which
just had to be just over the horizon. But sometimes it was hard for
Sam to hide his jealousy. Sam hated playing second fiddle to Ben.
Sure, Sam lived a lifestyle that would have been the envy of the
rich man in Jesus parable. True, Ben was good at his song and
dance routine, and he connected with the crowds. But Sam did all
the legwork and book cooking to keep the money rolling in and the
tax man out. Sam was the one who introduced the singing acts
that set the right religious mood.
Sam was the one who
coordinated the music programs which fired the crowds up into a
frenzy of euphoric expectation. But those expectant eyes were
focused not on the God of the Bible so much as on the grinning,
baby-faced guy who spread out his hands to embrace a crowd
weary of their humdrum workaday existence.
Sam managed to suppress his jealousy, thoughhed better,
because it had taken awhile to get back in the graces of his best
buddy Ben Buck. Everything seemed to be peaches and cream
nowor at least they put on a convincing front. Not once, but twice,
Sam and Rosie had tricked Ben into swallowing chemically enhanced
angel dust. Both times Ben had been nursed back to health in a
drug rehab clinic, unresponsive to the real world and rambling in an
altered state of consciousness. Part of that time had been spent in
a vegetative state, the rest of the time Ben had babbled a lot of
disjointed religious rhetoric whenever he could speak. Both times
the doctor said it was a miracle hed come back from the Land of
Nod and could get back to the lucrative business of selling hope to
millions of suffering souls.
After his second drug trip Ben had gotten a good scolding from
Dr. Loopy. Ben was sternly warned that his next trip into inner space
might lead to massive mental meltdown and spell the end of his
lucrative career as a televangelist. And besides, wasnt Ben afraid of
being charged with possession? Ben had faith that his doctors would
honor their patient confidentiality oath, but how long would it be
before his drug dabbling hit the supermarket tabloids? What sort of
example was Ben setting for the younger generation? What did Ben
think he was, anyway? A hippie holdout from the sixties? How

37

humiliating for Ben to be pontificated at by a shrink who earned

barely a fraction of what he did!
Ben had gotten so mad at Sam he was minded to fire him from
the vice presidency of Green Manna Ministries. But how could he?
Sam held a controlling interest in the ministry. When Ben barely
had two dollars to rustle together, Sam had helped him get started.
Ben had contributed the charisma and showmanship, and Sam had
donated the business smarts and startup funds. Also, Ben had to
grudgingly admit that Sam had only done that last stunt unto him
before Ben could do it unto him as an act of vengeance for the first
practical joke.
$$$$$$
It was 3:45 in the afternoon. Sam had just returned from the joke
shop armed with stink bombs and cherry bombs for Hendrick, his
twelve-year old son. Hendrick and his pals were going camping up
on Mt. Baldy, and the boy wanted to play guerilla gorillas in the
woods. Sam was humming in his dressing room and making himself
up for his next televised appearance when he got paged by the
receptionist.
Brother Malone, please come to Reception, she said. Mr. R.A.
Billbaiter is waiting to personally confer with you.
Sams heart almost jumped out of his chest. R.A. Billbaiter, head
honcho of Rapturous Religion Publishing was actually there to see
him about promoting his autobiography! Sam wouldnt have to use
a vanity publisher after all! Ill be down right away, Val, he said
breathlessly. Sam took off like a ruptured duck. He raced down the
long corridors and charged the elevator.
Hiding in the broom closet, Ben got a tipoff from Valerie on his
cell phone. Thanks, Val, he whispered.
Ben knew Sams habits well. Sam always had a bagel delivered
to his dressing room at four oclock every day to tide him over to
dinner. Ben nudged open the door to the broom closet and looked
both ways. Not a soul in sight. Ben pulled out the master key to
open Sams door, but it wasnt necessary. In his excitement Sam
had left it unlocked.
Determined to give Sam a taste of his own medicine, Ben
unzipped his briefcase and withdrew a white bag containing a freshbaked bagel. Ben cackled as he unzipped a compartment of his
satchel. Just then a knock sounded at the door.
It was Jennie, the maid. OhBrother Buck, I hope Im not
disturbing you. Brother Malone wanted his blinds cleaned today.
Can I come in?
Ben cussed under his breath but said sweetly, Actually, Jennie,
were about to hold a staff conference in here. And we dont need
any distractions. You can shine the blinds another day.

38

But Brother Buck! Jennie protested. Tomorrow we have to

steam-clean the carpets, and the next day we have to wash the
woodwork
Ben gnashed his teeth. Here, Jenny, just take the rest of the
week off!
But Brother Buck, I wouldnt get paid
Oh, yes you will! Heres a little spare change. Go get yourself a
nice cruise! Ben reached into his wallet and handed her five
thousand dollars.
Jenny got a rapturous smile on her face. Oh Brother. Buck,
she breathed adoringly, youre the most wonderfulest boss a gal
ever had! May the good Lord reward you for spreading so much
sunshine! Why I never
Just go have fun before I change my mind, Ben said, looking
very antsy.
What about my mop bucket, Brother Buck? Want me to rinse
that out first?
Nope, well have Deanie do that. Now scoot!
Ben grumbled about the precious seconds lost even as he heard
Jennys shouts of jubilation echoing in the corridor. With shaky
fingers Ben reached into the unzipped pouch of his briefcase and
withdrew a sachet of crystal meth. Ben barely finished mixing the
powder into the thick cream cheese on Sams bagel when Sam
roared through the door, yelling at the top of his lungs. Ben slid his
plastic knife into the trash can.
There was no R.A. Billbaiter! Sam hollered. I tried to fire
Valerie for lying to me, but she said YOU put her up to it and paid
her a big bonus for doing it! And besides, she said, you outrank me,
so I couldnt fire her without your okay!
April Fool, I sure fooled you! Ben grinned.
That was a mean way to get back at me!
Ben clapped him on the shoulder. No sweat, man! We publish
our own stuff, dont we? We can bang out your book ourselves.
But Ben, I wanted to get in with a high-profile publisher! Aw
Ben! Whyd ya have to be so cruel? Ya really know how to hurt a
guy!
Look Sam, with your promotion skills and my soft soap
melodramatics, we can plug your book as a free love gift in return
for a minimum fifty-dollar donation! We can keep costs low, too, by
using cheap newsprint in its manufacture, and contracting the work
out to that company in Asia. Ill push your book, Sam. Ill whet
peoples appetites to read the great glad story of how Sam Malone
triumphed over chocolate addiction and found faith growing up in a
poor trailer park. I think you ought to spice your bio up a little
anyway, Sam. Why dont you add a chapter about that crush you
had on your kindergarten teacher?

39

Very funny! Sam sneered. I see my bagel got here in plenty

of time.
Yeah, Billy just delivered it. In fact Ben had just sent Billy
home.
So what were you doing in my dressing room, Ben? Sam asked
suspiciously. Just wanting to rub in your April Fools joke?
I just wanted to touch base with you about those new faith
gimmicks youve cooked up, you know, Samsons jawbone of an ass
and those gold prayer cloths blessed by the angel Gabriel. But why
dont you just chill out a few minutes and munch on your bagel?
You need to keep your energy up.
Im not too hungry, I just had a Mars Bar.
Look, Sam, weve gotta rehearse for the show and itll be
awhile before we can chow down on a decent dinner. Youd better
boost your carb levels or youll look crabby on camera.
Yeah, right! Sam said. Oh, well, Ill eat half of it if youll split
it with me.
Ben swallowed a lump in his throat. Sure. Why dont you get
some Perrier out of your fridge to wash it down with?
Once Sams back was turned Ben took his half of the bagel and
used his finger to scrape the cheese off it into the trash can. A bit of
it plopped onto his shoe.
Whats this! Sam cried, turning to face Ben. What happened
to YOUR cream cheese, Ben?
IahIve started a diet, Sam, so I scraped it off.
Sam spotted a trace of the telltale powder on the dressing table.
When donkeys fly youll start a diet! The way you pigged out at
the Purple Lobster last night, what difference would a little cream
cheese make! Im onto you, Ben Buck. You doctored up my bagel
to get back at me, didnt you?
Maybe I did, and maybe I didnt! Its high time you learned
that what goes around comes around, pal! Ben grabbed Sams
bagel half.
Sam saw the sheer lunacy in Bens eyes. He grabbed his
briefcase to flee out of the room. Before he could reach the door
Ben cornered him. He stomped on Sams instep. When Sam
hollered Ben threw him off balance and forced the food in.
Sam took the bagel half from his mouth and spat, though some
of the cheese stuck to the roof of his mouth. Sam held onto the
bagel with his left hand and slugged Ben with a right hook, knocking
Ben down into a soft chair. Working quickly before the trace of
swallowed cream cheese could take effect, Sam rammed the
remainder into Bens mouth. Ben spat out what he could, but so
much powder had been mixed into the cheese that resistance was
useless.

40

The drug was so potent that the tiny trace ingested by both men
sent them whirling into another dimension. It was a long time
before their heads stopped swirling and they opened their eyes.
$$$$$$
At first everything looked distorted to Ben and Sam. They felt
something cold and hard against their backs. Then they looked up
and saw blue sky and white clouds. They discovered they were
propped up against a well. A friendly face smiled down at them. A
young girl who appeared in her mid-teens said something which
made no sense to Ben, but Sam could understand her perfectly.
Here we go again, Ben muttered, but this time theres a
language barrier. Too bad I flunked Languages of the Bible in
seminary.
Not me, Sam said. I aced Aramaic and did good in Greek.
This young lady says we both appear to be ill. And why are we
dressed so strangely?
Just tell her were from a land to the far west of Tarshish, Ben
said. Jews of the Bible didnt pal around with Gentiles, so say were
Jews too, from the Diaspora. Were on our way to the Land of Nod,
and weve lost our way.
Oh? the girl said wonderingly, once Sam translated. Perhaps
Papa can advise you on the proper route to take in your
journeyings. Please come home with me and accept our hospitality
for the evening meal. My name is Eglah. She bent down and took
up her big water jug to carry on her shoulder.
Pleased to make your acquaintance, Eglah, Sam said. My
name is Sam MaloneuhI mean, Shalom. My friend is called
Benjamin Bagel, Ben for short. Ben is able to speak only his own
dialect so I will be doing all the speaking on behalf of us both.
That evening Ben and Sam found themselves inside a modest
adobe house, seated on floor mats. Spread before them was a
feast of savory roasted lamb, lentil stew and aromatic flatbread.
Amos, their host, was an elderly widower with one child, Eglah.
He asked Ben to say the blessing. Sam told Amos about the
language barrier and asked if he still wanted Ben to say it. The old
man nodded.
Ben didnt know any other blessing but this one:
Bless the meat
Bless the skin
Grab your fork
And cram it in!
Strange speech indeed, Amos said.
mean? he asked Sam.

41

What do those words

Bens just giving thanks for good food.

I think it a bit peculiar that your friend, being Jewish, was never
taught the proper Jewish prayer which thanks the Lord Who
bringeth forth bread out of the earth and herbs for the service of
man, Amos said, giving a quizzical look.
Well, Ben was raised in an ultra-reformulated branch of the
Mosaic faith, Sam said.
Eglah tells me youre on your way to the Land of Nod, Amos
said. Youve lost your way and need guidance. After dinner well
discuss your route, and if you like you can sleep in the goat shed
tonight. Theres plenty of clean straw to make up a bed.
Sam nodded. We appreciate your hospitalityand the fine
meal.
Ben choked when Sam said they would stay in a goat shed.
What do you expect around here? Sam retorted. The Mariott?
The goat shed will be just as clean as that fleabag inn around the
corner. And besides, Sam winked, its free.
Eglah went back and forth serving the men, refilling their cups
and asking them if they enjoyed their food.
Ah, if only Miranda and Rosie would treat us like this, Ben
sighed in contentment.
When hell freezes over, Sam cackled. Ben, are you sure were
gonna wake up from this trip?
Yeah, just enjoy it while it lasts.
The old man asked Ben a question about his origins. Sam
answered for him. Sir, both of us are from the far west of
Tarshishbut we are Jewish, I can assure you.
You speak Aramaic very well, Samuel. Where did you learn it?
Ahat St. Patricks Rabbi Refectory
Thats a very odd name for a rabbinical school, Amos said.
As I said, we have subtle peculiarities in our native tongue,
Sam said.
The old man brought up his biggest worry: a husband for Eglah.
Shes going on fifteen and is not yet betrothed. But what can I do?
If Eglah leaves me, Id have no one to cook for me and look after
me. Oh, well, maybe Ill find a man who can marry her and move in
with us. Who knows? He eyed Ben and Sam wistfully.
Ben made a face when Sam translated. I hope he doesnt
mean us, Ben whispered. I might rob old ladies piggy banks but I
dont go around robbing cradleseven if Miranda hasnt even been
born yet!
Age differences dont count here, Sam said dryly. Dont forget,
Ben, itll be a few years before Womens Lib.
Amos told Sam Galilees latest news flash: An itinerant preacher
had forsaken his carpentry business to spread a new philosophy of
life. That Jesus, He goes around teaching people not to worry
about earning their daily bread, because God will feed them just like

42

the little sparrows! Wish I could believe that, but as old as I am,
Ive got to keep on weaving sackcloth for the ascetics out in the
desert. And believe me, the market for sackcloth has plunged
through the floor since Jesus teaches its okay to eat, drink and be
merry instead of fasting and afflicting your soul. Will you believe it,
Samuel, Jesus is widely reputed to be a holy man. But what other
holy man dines with tax collectors and is accused of being a wine
tippler and a glutton?
Well, the way I see it, Sam drawled, its a sin to pig out till
you puke, but God put all that good grub here for us to chow down
on. Were all guests on Gods green earth, so it would be an insult
to His hospitality to turn it down. Maybe Jesus is trying to teach
people to be happier. And if people were happier there would be
fewer wars going on. Maybe thats why the Romans are forever
stirring up a dunghill of trouble. Theyre just cantankerous old
cusses who want to make sure nobody makes merry. What do you
think, Amos?
And miserable we are, Samuel. Youve got no idea what taxes I
have to shell out to the government. Is taxation heavy where you
live?
That struck a deep chord within Sam. Believe me, Amos, taxes
have shot through the roof in El Dinero. Were supposed to be a
non-profit organization, but weve been under investigation for
fraud two years now, just because some woman in Missouri claims
weve been sending her dead husband Beat Satans Butt
Breastplates for three years now and its caused her extreme
psychosomatic trauma. That woman thinks were trying to squeeze
blood out of a dead turnip. Well, thats just Big Brother wanting to
get its hooks in our pie. Sometimes I think all those birdbrain
bureaucrats are good for is to belch out billions of ad hocs and ad
infinitums and other garbagey gobbledygook in microscopic print
Sam gasped. Hed forgotten to speak slowly, in Aramaic, and there
was no translation for that jive.
You spoke your own native tongue and it is strange indeed, the
old man said, shaking his head. But I take it you dont like the
Romans any better than we do.
Eventually Ben and Sam got up off their cushions, sighing in
contented bliss from the good meal. Wonderful stew, Eglah, Sam
said. Only next time Id throw in a ham hock to give it a little more
soul. Bacon bits wouldnt hurt either.
Another verbal faux pas. Sam clapped his hand over his mouth
Oops! I mean add a little lamb fat to iter
We know perfectly well what you meant! Amos growled. I got
suspicious when you asked Eglah if there was any butter for the
bread! If you two were true Jews youd know it was forbidden to
consume dairy products at a meat meal, and youve really made a

43

schmuck out of yourself now! Out of my house, you schmoes! You

shall not sleep in my goat shed tonight!
Just as well! Sam shouted. Its probably crawling with the
fleas from a thousand camels!
As they walked down the road Ben said, I dont think the local
inn would take American Express. Maybe we could crash at the
Salvash.
That hasnt been invented either, Ben. Hey, those Roman
soldiers over there are staring at us. Lets split. We stick out like a
sore thumb, and they might take us for terrorists unless we find
some bedsheets to throw over our heads.
Ben and Sam wove their way through a crowd, then wandered
down a narrow residential street. It was midsummer and the sun
wouldnt set for another two hours. Someones neglected laundry
was still hanging out on a clothesline in an unfenced back yard..
Ben looked around to make sure no one was watching, then raced
over and pinched two long garments and a couple of cloaks off the
line. The two men scampered away with the clothes, thankful the
owners hadnt spotted them. They ducked into a dark alleyway and
slipped the clothes on over their suits. Now the Romans wont think
were gangsters from Gaul, Ben said.
At dusk the two men saw a turbaned man in the marketplace
selling goatskin tents. He was packing up and getting ready to go
home. I know he wont accept plastic as payment, but good thing I
brought my briefcase with me, eh? Sam said.
What wampum are you gonna palm off on him, Sam? Ben
drawled.
Well, we just got here and we arent hard up enough to hock
our Rolexes yet. But Ive got a few Love Gifts in my bag. Sort of
reminds me of how the palefaces bought Manhattan Island from
the Indians for a few glass beads. Not very kosher, but we are in a
pickle.
The tent vendor was thrilled when Sam showed him the golden
Victors Medallions he and Ben sent out as precious heirlooms to
viewers who donated two thousand dollars. They were absolutely
gorgeous, crafted of two shiny metals sandwiched together. The
golden side of the large coin had praying hands on it. The silvery
side showed a harvest field.
Only an expert can tell theyre fake, Ben said, thankful the tent
vendor couldnt savvy English.
Yeah, Ben, Sam whispered. Iron pyrite for the gold and nickel
alloy for the silver. We can throw in a couple of those Diamond
Tears of Overcoming Faith too. Cubic zirconium. Theres boatloads
of suckers among these good fisherfolk.
It took only two medallions and three diamonds to buy the
fanciest tent the man had. He rubbed his hands in glee and

44

cackled, thinking hed gotten the better end of the bargain, and
Sam and Ben had only done business with him out of desperation.
Sam suggested they might need a mule to haul their tent gear.
He asked the vendor if he knew of anyone with a mule for sale.
The man got a glint in his eye. You need look no further! I just
happen to have a spare mule. Hes a big strong fellow, too, with
many years of service left in him.
Ben and Sam were led to a walled enclosure outside an inn,
where a number of pack animals were tethered. Grinning, the tent
vendor untied an old swayback mule with floppy ears. His name is
Samson, he said. Strong as an ox, and he hardly eats anything.
Ill even throw in the saddle and a sack of barley.
Sam paid five diamonds for the mule, who whinnied and
swished away flies with his tail. Sam was glad that technology to
detect fake jewelry hadnt been invented yet, and the vendor
wouldnt be any the wiser.
Doesnt that mules back look like a lumpy mattress? Ben
asked, as Sam tied it down with enough rigging to balance the tent
paraphernalia.
Maybe it needs a good chiropractor, Sam said. But look how
bright Samsons smile is, Ben.
The mules eyes were wild. It flashed its huge yellow choppers.
The heavy-laden animal sank down into the dust. When Sam tried
to make it get up it hee-hawed even louder.
Come on, now, Samson, Ben begged, as the vendor made a
hasty exit. Weve gotta go find a crash pad for the night.
Well, Sam said, we got stuck with one stubborn mule. I
know just the thing to perk old Samson up.
What? Ben wondered. A lady mule?
Sam looked around to make sure no cops were in sight, then
fished around in his briefcase. Ah, here we have it. Thisll give
him a jump start.
Ben and Sam forced open the mules mouth and shoved a speed
capsule down its throat. As Ben took his hand out of the mules
mouth, he yelped: Samson bit me! I hope I dont get rabies!
Dont freak out on me, Ben! Sam said. Rabies hasnt been
invented yet.
Look, Ben! Sam cried. Samsons pupils are dilating! Hop on!
Quick!
Groaning, Ben gave Sam a boost up to the mules overloaded
back.
Sam reached down and pulled Ben up, sweating and
grunting. The legs of the mule buckled and trembled, then stiffened,
making Ben and Sam lurch.
Samson snorted and took off like a shot, laden with six
hundred pounds of cargo. Souped up on speed, he sped along
crazily, Ben and Sam yelling from the bumpy ride.

45

I dont know how to steer this thing! Sam yelled, as they

charged through the marketplace, knocking over leftover props
from dismantled stalls.
Good thing everybody went home for supper! Ben yelled back.
Lets get out of town, fast, and find somewhere to park this thing!
The mule kept on running down the dirt road, as small children
burst out of nearby houses. They ran after the mule, throwing
stones and shouting.
If Jesus wants us to become like little children to get in the
Kingdom of God, Sam moaned, He sure didnt mean those kids!
Samson galloped a long way down a winding dirt trail. Half an
hours ride later, Ben and Sam approached a wooded hill. This
might be the perfect place to sleep in peace. The men dismounted
the mule.
Man, am I ever sore! Ben moaned. Its hard enough for me
to ride a motorbike!
They walked alongside Samson until they reached an area dotted
with campfires and resting wayfarers. At length they found a
vacant spot near an old olive tree, where they tethered Samson.
Sam found a spring. He fetched some water in an old jug theyd
brought, then fed and watered the ravenous mule.
Hes gobbling all our grain up, Ben said. I thought the man
said Samson eats like a bird.
The idea is to let Samson chow down on grass and only give
him grain when all the grass is gone, Sam said. This mule better
not be a gourmet snob!
Ben cleared a small area of grass, then collected some twigs
and weeds to start a small fire. Sam found a cigarette lighter and
got it going. A woman walked by and gasped, Its a miracle!
Sam grinned and said, Yeah, lady, its a miracle this lighters
not empty yet. Its just a little thing that burns something like an
olive oil lamp. See? Sam flicked it again.
It is divination! she cried.
Sam was afraid she might call her husband and start a religious
riot when all he and Ben wanted was a good nights sleep. Oh, no,
lady, not at all. Ben and I are from a far-off country, and we
wanted to come here and worship with other Jews. Are you and
your family also traveling somewhere?
Yes, she said. My name is Miriam, and I am traveling with my
husband and his mother to go hear a new prophet, Jesus of
Nazareth. We heard that Jesus can work miracles. My mother-inlaw is blind and we hope He can heal her.
I see, Sam said, hoping shed forget his magical fire starter. I
believe Jesus can help you. How far away is Jesus holding his
meetings?
It is a days walk, Miriam said, as her husband approached.

46

She said nothing more. Meekly she lowered her eyes, hid her
face in her veil, and slipped away to her own campsite.
What are you two strangers doing, speaking with my wife?
her husband demanded irritably.
Wereuhsorry, sir, Sam said, as he considered womans
subservient position in ancient society, and the husbands right of
no-fault divorce. We wanted your wife to ask you to help us with a
problem we have in setting up our tent. Truth is, Ben and I are
Jews from a far-away land unused to using them. Ben and I work
together in the same craft, and were ahtraveling through the area
on business.
The mans expression grew friendlier. Then I will teach you to
properly set up a tent. I would like to know you both better, so you
must join us for supper..that is, if you are hungry. Have you two
eaten yet?
Sam looked at Ben. Hungry, Ben?
I guess, Sam. We had that other meal about two hours ago,
but time travel makes you hungry.
Sam explained to the man that Ben spoke only their local
dialect, and his command of Aramaic and Greek was very shaky.
It does not matter, the man answered. We are all sojourners
looking for a city whose Builder and Maker is God. Shalom, my
name is Nimrod ben Salmon.
Late that evening, Ben and Sam broke bread with Nimrod, his
mother Anna and Miriam, his wife.. Nimrod laughed when Sam
admitted that he was unused to riding stubborn mules and the
experience had left him saddle-sore. The little company tried to
include Ben in the fellowship, but it was a challenge, since Ben
spoke only some bizarre lingo from the uttermost ends of the earth.
After the meal, Nimrod gave Sam a hand with his and Bens
tent. He said goodnight and rejoined his family.
Before dozing off, Ben whispered to Sam: Are you SURE its a
good idea to go to Jesus to ask Him to help us get back to 2010?
Do we have any other option? Sam muttered. But I sure do
hope Jesus hasnt started casting the money changers out of the
Temple yet.
$$$$$$
After a ten-mile trek, up and down rocky trails in the undulating
countryside, Bens caravan reached the hilltop meadow where
Jesus was holding his seminar. All around Ben and Sam was a
picturesque panorama of gently rolling meadows, grazing sheep
and gnarled olive trees.
Sam tied Samson to a slender tree trunk while Ben dipped up
some water which gurgled from a rocky spring. As Ben watered
and fed the mule, Sam suggested, Why dont we hang out on the

47

outer edge of the crowd? I meanjust in case we dont have the

guts to go up to Jesus. That way, we can split if we have to.
Ben groaned. Uh! My feet feel like theyre in a pressure cooker!
Talk about an army hike!
Well, we couldnt overload old Samson, Sam sighed. Uphill,
downhill, over sagebrush and rocks, Samsons no spring chicken.
He woulda had a heart attack carrying us too.
I guess, Sam, and maybe it is a good idea to steer clear of the
real Jesus. Even if backsliders dont think theyll make the roof of
the church cave in, they should stick to the back pews, definitely.
Any porta-johns around? Ben wondered.
Everybody goes behind those bushes over there, Sam pointed.
And there might be a wad of Kleenex left in my bag. Just use it
sparingly. When we run out well have to use weeds.
Grimacing, Ben took the tissue and slipped away quietly. When
he got back, he handed Sam a threadbare sleeping mat.
Found it over by that trash pile, Ben said. But we can sit on it
while were here.
Maybe we oughta take all that gear off of Samsons back too,
Sam said. He deserves a rest just like us.
Ill take the camping gear off him for the time being, Ben said.
But just in case, well leave him saddled for a quick getaway. This
is cutthroat country here, and we need to be on our guard, even if
we are at Jesus seminar. Ben unstrapped the tent gear from
Samson, who whinnied contentedly as he gobbled up all the
vegetation within reach.
Ben and Sam were hundreds of yards away from Jesus, Who
stood on a grassy knoll addressing the crowd. An energetic, stronglooking Man, He appeared slightly shorter than Ben and Sam. The
olive-skinned Nazarene spoke powerfully of the coming Kingdom of
God, contrary to the pale, lethargic image projected by paintings
done of Him over the centuries. The gathering was situated just
uphill from the Sea of Galilee, and reverberations from neighboring
hills helped provide natural acoustics.
If only He had a megaphone, at least, Sam said, craning his
neck to hear. Except for a few crying babies, all was still as
everyone gave their undivided attention to the Carpenter.
Hes rather tall, compared to some of these shrimps, Ben said.
And were even bigger than He is.
Well, weve eaten a few more Whoppers than they have, Sam
shrugged.
Strange, Ben said, how He holds peoples attention. I dont
notice any music bands or special lighting. And Jesus sure could
use a wardrobe consultant.
Too bad you didnt bring along your Salvation Suit, Sam said
dryly.

48

The glare of the sun bouncing off it would only make more
blind eyes for Him to heal, Ben said.
Whats He saying, Sam, or can you hear?
From what I can make out, Christ is telling everyone not to lay
up treasures upon earth but in heaven, and to share what theyve
got with the poor. And Hes saying that the poor who trust in God
are the truly blessed ones.
Ive been poor, Sam scoffed, and believe me, povertys no
blessing. When I grew up, we had so much macaroni and cheese it
made me barf.
I dont even wanna talk about the beans I ate with my six
brothers and sisters, Ben groaned. He slipped off his fine Italian
loafers, then peeled away his sweaty socks.
Phew! Sam gagged.
Talk about weapons of mass
destruction! Your yucky feet would send the Romans running!
Someone walked past and stared wonderingly at Bens shoes,
asking, Where did you get that awesome footgear?
Sam peered up from the ground and answered for Ben.
Theres this exclusive shop on Rodeo Drive before he could
finish, a teenager laughed and ran away with Bens shoes. Sam
sprang to his feet, in hot pursuit.
Stop, thief! Sam called, in Aramaic. He was way too big to
catch the nimble kid, but a big burly man sprang out from behind a
tree and nabbed him. The punkster was stripped of the shoes and
booted out of the meeting with a warning he might not be dealt
with so mercifully the next time.
I was just standing over by the bluff keeping a lookout for
fierce Pharisees and sadistic Sadducees when I heard you call out
after the thief, the huge, muscular man said. Are these items
yours?
No, but they belong to my friend, Sam said gratefully.
Thanks for helping us out. You cant go running barefoot around
here, the grass is too thorny.
Many have to, the man replied, and many even go without
food. My name is Peter. Simon Peter. Im sorry you encountered
such wickedness in a place blessed by my Masters presence.
Sons of Belial are everywhere, Peter, Sam said. He and Ben
were impressed by Peters appearance. A big, tanned, toughlooking dude like a biker on steroids, Ben told Sam, and hed make
a good bar bouncer in Vegas.
What did your friend say? Peter asked. Hes staring right
through me as if hes in a trance, and jabbering nonsense.
Ben here, he was speaking in our local dialect and telling me
how grateful he was for the way you saved his shoes, and saved
him from getting sore feet. Boy, Peter, you sure did show that rug
rat who was boss! Youre Bens hero.

49

Peter blushed. I do try to keep order around here, because

you do get quite a few fishy folks in such a big crowd, always
mooching mites off their neighbors when their backs are turned. But
honestly, I never saw such shoes in my life. It sure would save us
a lot of foot washing if everyone could get shoes like yours. Too
much donkey dung on the roads is a public health hazard.
Well, Sam said, sandals do have their advantages. In this
hot weather your feet can stew in Italian loafers.
Peters ears perked up. He looked annoyed. Did you say
Italian?
Sam gulped. Romans were Italian, and everybody hated the
imperialistic Romans. Uh, I meant Iberian, Peter. Actually, these
are Spanish shoes, exported to our far-off land.
Who might you men be? Peter demanded. And where are
you from?
My name is Samuel Shalom and this heres my buddy Ben
Bagel. Were Jews who have traveled all the way from a far country
west of Tarshish.
I guess that would be to the west of Spain, Peter said. Or
at least thats what I heard they call Tarshish now. I thought there
was nothing west of Spain but water, and if you went any further,
you dropped off the edge of the earth.
Theres quite a lot of little islands west of Spain, Peter, Sam
said.
And youre a Jew, too, I suppose? Peter asked Ben.
Unfortunately, Peter, Ben cannot speak any Aramaic. He
cant even gab in Greek, Sam informed him. He flunked foreign
languages, so he speaks only our own local dialect, which very few
around here understand. So I tag along as his interpreter.
Neither of you particularly looks Jewish, Peter said, but Ill
take your word for it, Samuel.
Awyou can just call me Sam, and Im so Jewish that when
Purim rolls around and its time to boo Haman, I out-boo every
other Jew in my jurisdiction.
I can be sure of one thing, Peter said. We get plenty of the
good and bad at these outdoor meetings, but I have yet to run
across an atheist or even an agnostic. Why would a non-believer
bother to sit through one of our meetings? About the only skeptics
we get here are spies from the chief priests and Pharisees who
witness the miracles like everyone else but still refuse to believe
what they see.
Sam said philosophically, A chief priest persuaded against his will
is of the same opinion still.
You speak truth, neighbor, Peter sighed. Jesus even raised
people from the dead and those religious rulers still say ugly things
about our Master!

50

Its like beating a dead donkey to get truth through those

whited walls, Sam said.
Thats exactly what Jesus called them! exclaimed Peter.
Whited walls. Man, I never saw our Master so mad as when he laid
into those haughty hypocrites! Jesus speaks tenderly to women of
the night who need a Savior. Jesus even saves shifty tax collectors.
But one thing Jesus cant stand is a false guide and blind leader of
the blind who steers ignorant souls off the path of righteousness
and into the ditch with devious lies for personal gain! Can you think
of any sin worse than being a stumbling block to cause your
neighbor to lose his soul, Sam?
Sam shivered. He was glad Ben couldnt understand. That
sounds pretty bad, Peter, and no, I cant think of any sin thats
worse.
The Big Fishermans voice shook. Jesus devotes His life to
helping others and healing the sick, but about the only thanks He
ever gets from the religious rulers is theyll send spies to our
meetings to try to trip Jesus up in some verbal gaffe so they can
noise it abroad and ruin His reputation.
They do the same to our politicians, Peter, Sam said. All
you have to do to get the supermarket tabloids buzzing is say
nucular instead of nuclear.
Youre talking a load of nonsense, Peter frowned. You two
foreigners just watch your step around here, and see to it that you
keep a properly reverent attitude, okay?
Fine with us, Sam said. Whats next on todays agenda for
Your Master?
It will soon be suppertime, Peter said. I suspect our Master
will have to wrap this meeting up before then. We dont even have
anything to feed these people. Theyve been with us for three days
now, and all the spare food has been gobbled up.
Sam patted Peter on the back. Dont worry, Peter. Just have
faith and things will work out just fine.
How do you know they will? Peter moaned.
I just have a hunch everything will pan out okay, Peter.
$$$$$$
Suppertime came and as Ben and Sam expected, Jesus did not send
the crowd home to fend for themselves. Christ had fed them
spiritually, but now He proposed to His disciples that He must also
feed them literal food as well, lest they faint from hunger on their
way home.
Now Jesus disciples are asking Him how He could possibly feed
so many people, Sam said.
Theres the little lad with the lunchbox, Ben replied. Right on
schedule.

51

Look, Sam pointed, one of Jesus men is sneaking away at a

key moment in His ministry. Wonder what hes up to?
The man, whoever he was, had a disgusted look on his face.
He was slight of build and wore a pillbox cap and striped robe. He
slid away from the little company of disciples, and made his way
around the wide rim of the huge crowd. It wasnt long before he
was in Ben and Sams section. Out of curiosity Sam walked up to
him. Sam asked the man who he was, and why he had left Jesus
side.
Bah! I just cant stand it any longer! the man snorted in
contempt.
My name is Iscariot.
Judas Iscariot.
Ive been
following this alleged messiah around for many a month now, and
what does He do but go around talking nonsense to little children
and blessing His own enemies! If Jesus were a real messiah, Hed
run those Romans through with a sword and rid Gods land of those
ugly parasites forever!
Chill out, Judas, Sam said. Jesus means well, and its all a
question of timing. Rome wasnt built in a day, and itll take awhile
to topple the mighty Roman empire. Theres just too many of those
rascals running around on the rampage.
Well, Ive just about run out of patience! Judas fumed.
Might as well salvage what I can out of my job before this company
folds. When your ship is sinking, you can at least attack the buffet
table one final time before your enemies do unto you what you
should have done unto them!
Speaking of buffet, Jesus is about to feed the people their
supper, Sam said. Are you going to help Him, Judas?
Naw, Ive got me a better idea, Judas winked. Ill tell you
about it later.
We got here late, Sam said. Has Jesus already performed
the healing segment of the days service?
Yeah, hours ago. We had one long line of lepers and another
big crowd of crippled folks hobbling or being carried to our Master.
And He healed them all. And you can imagine, Sam, how quickly
the way was prepared so the lepers could reach Jesus. Talk about
the Red Sea parting in the blink of an eye!
Has Jesus already taken up the offering, Judas?
What offering?
In the land where I live, preachers always set aside a special
time in the service to receive gifts for the work of the Lord.
Judas gaped in amazement. Really?
Yeah, and we know how to shake the shekels out of the
stingiest people, Judas.
Judas snorted. Well, Jesus sure isnt getting his just reward
for all the work He does! This big meeting you see wasnt even
scheduled on our itinerary! Truth is, we were trying to flee into the
wilderness for a few minutes peace and quiet.

52

Day and night theres been people pounding on our tent door
demanding to see Jesus, and the poor chap hardly has time to
knock a bite of bread down His neck! We hardly even have privacy
to go to theoh, forget it! All I can say is, people dont mind
getting what they want out of Jesus, but when it comes to giving
something back, thats a different kettle of fish!
But does Jesus ever collect money, Judas? Sam queried.
Our Lord does not actively solicit funds, unless its to buy
bread for the poor. Jesus ran off some rich young ruler by upping
the ante on discipleship. Jesus commanded Mr. Fancy Pants to
peddle all his earthly comforts and contribute the proceeds to the
poor. Jesus asked zilch for Himself! Why should the poor get
preferential treatment while we have to wait for some rich matron
to sell her silver to help keep us on the road? I really dont know
what itll take to make Jesus wake up.
A shiver went through Sam. Before long, this character will do
the dirtiest deed in history and end up shoveling coal in hell, he
thought. Please, Judas, dont misjudge Jesus. Hes cut out of finer
fabric than the rest of us. Just please, dont do anything stupid, or
itll be you who gets hurt in the end.
Judas glared at him. Stupid? The only stupid thing I could
do is sit around and love my enemies while theres a war that needs
to be fought! But in the meantime, I mean to make me a little
money. Just watch now.
Judas walked several yards to the disciples supply depot where
their camp gear was stashed. Good. The young boy who had
volunteered to guard it was on break. Judas reached in a wagon and
lifted out a wooden harness which spanned the shoulders and
balanced a dangling water jug on both sides. Judas found a smaller
pot and a dipper. He took the items to the little spring and began
to scoop water out with the small jug. He poured it into the two
larger jugs until they were filled to the brim. Then, Judas hitched
himself to his portable business. Groaning, he straightened himself,
staggering under the bobbing weight of his water pots. Finally he
stuck the drinking dipper in the sash which encircled his waist.
Judas walked around the periphery of the crowd yelling Step
right up! Get your holy water here! Personally blessed by Jesus
Himself! Mighty miracle water! Only two leptons a ladle or two
mites a sprinkle!
Ben rolled up his eyes when Sam translated Judas words.
Who would fall for that * * * *? Ben cackled.
Plenty of people, Sam chuckled. Theres nothing old under
the sun.
One of Judas swinging jugs bumped into somebodys back.
The man turned around and scowled.
Sorry, Judas said. Here, sir, you may drink for free.

53

It wasnt long before Sam overheard Peter scolding Judas for

being a greedy liar, and telling Judas that if he tried that trick one
more time, hed tell Jesus and see to it that Judas was
excommunicated from their number.
Muttering curses under his breath, Judas walked back over to
Ben and Sam and complained that it was a fine day when an
enterprising disciple wasnt allowed to earn an honest shekel.
Youve got no idea how hungry we get sometimes. Just the other
day we had to forage through a grain field for wheat kernels! I
swear, we burned more calories threshing the wheat in our bare
hands than we consumed, and we dropped half of what we threshed
for the birds to gobble up! Just look at how chapped my hands are
from rubbing chaff! If I wanted to go hungry I would have joined
John the Baptists outfit. Theyre the ones who are into fasting!
Ben and Sam held a quick powwow in English. Wont be
long, Ben, well need bread money too, if Jesus doesnt get us out
of this jam. Weve only got so many Love Gifts left to peddle to
people.
Yeah, Sam. I got an idea. Judas connects well with this
crowd, and hes gonna go to hell anyway, even if we dont lead him
astray. We can give Judas some of our peyote to push, and he can
keep 50% for being the middleman.
Judas, Sam asked, would you like to sell something else to
the crowd, something a lot easier to carry than water?
What would these thirsty people want more than a quick drink
of water on a hot day like this? Judas asked.
Happy grass! Sam said. He took out a couple of rolled
cigarettes. You set fire to one end and stick the other end in your
mouth. Sam lit one and held it out. Here, take a quick puff.
Judas inhaled and coughed, clutching his chest.
These people never smoked dope in high school, Ben said.
Judas liked the sweet smell of the smoke and resumed
smoking, though Ben tried to stop him so he could stay sane
enough to go push pot.
Happy as a lark, Judas ran around shouting, Im so happy! I
like your religion, Sam! All my troubles are going up in smoke. He
took big drags on the reefer till it was a tiny stub, and lay
contentedly in the grass, still puffing away.
Peter came back, carrying a basket of bread and fish. He
looked very disgruntled. I suppose you guys are hungry too? he
demanded of Ben and Sam.
Ben looked in the basket. Ugh! Those fish eyes are looking
straight up at me, and I bet theres guts in that fish, too!
We arent all that hungry, Peter, so well just take some of
your bread. Thanks, Sam said. He accepted a few large pieces of
broken flatbread.

54

Peter glared down at Judas, whose eyes were glazed over.

Judas! How dare you doze off when theres people to feed! He
whacked Judas on the noggin with a fish.
Judas sat up, eyes crazily glazed. He blew smoke at the Big
Fisherman. Let me fly away, you big oaf! Dont bring me down
from my fluffy clouds!
What did you say? demanded Peter.
Im in the land of goat milk and honey cakes, Judas giggled.
I swear, Judas is barking mad! Peter cried. Hes belching
smoke out of his mouth and nose. Master! Master!
People pointed at Ben and Sam. Those sons of Belial are
responsible for filling Judas with smoke from the deep abyss!
Peter looked angry. Are you two the ones who have been a
bad influence on Judas?
Lets split! Sam cried. Fingers shaking, Sam grabbed his
briefcase and unhitched Samson, who was gobbling up all the bread
in Peters forgotten basket.
Hurry, Ben! Sam yelled louder. Luckily there was a heap of
baggage beside the mule, which helped the men hop on fast. The
mob rushed up. Hands groped at Ben and caught at the bottom of
his pants, still worn beneath his robe.
They are men of strange attire! one man shouted. And
their shoes are alien!
They will not show their toes! a woman cried. They may
have cloven hoofs!
Ben dug a can of mace out of the pocket of his sweaty suit
jacket, concealed beneath his robe. He sprayed at the people who
were tugging at his ankle, fearing theyd either twist his foot off or
yank him off the mule.
Blinded, his attackers screamed and struggled to find their way
around.
Ben slapped Samsons rump as hard as he could. The mule
bolted away, the mob in hot pursuit casting stones.
Get some cherry bombs out of my bag, Sam said, and for
Petes sake, dont drop it or were dead meat!
Carefully Sam shifted his briefcase behind him to Ben. Ben held
onto Sam with one arm and rummaged through it with his free
hand, struggling to balance the briefcase between his knees. Ben
slid two bombs in the sash of his robe, then fumbled for a lighter.
Fighting to stay on the horse hands-free, he secured Sams satchel
under his armpit, then lit one of the little bombs and threw it behind
them.
A big blast, and terrified screams from people who had never
seen an explosion before.
Surely these men are devils from the deep abyss! one man
called.

55

Ben lit the other WMD and flung it at the few still in pursuit. The
stink bomb detonated, releasing foul fumes.
That did it. None of the choking, gasping people wanted to follow
after that rotten stench. Sulfur from hell! some cried. Surely the
devil has been among us!
Samson soon tired from running with so much weight on his
back, but Ben and Sam didnt want to stop. Reluctantly Sam slowed
Samson to a trot, then to a stop.
Ben dismounted long enough to slide another speed capsule
down the mules throat. He struggled back on and the souped-up
mule ran for all it was worth.
On and on Ben and Sam sped down the dirt road, but the mule
was no longer in its right mind, nor could Sam control it. Samson
veered off the road and ran up a winding byway which led to a
deep ravine just outside a small village. Unable to stop himself, the
mule plunged over the edge.
Its the Gehenna Garbage Dump! Ben yelled. And theres fire
down below! Yaaah!
$$$$$$
Those guys sure are playing with fire, Dr. Hacksaw said. Theyre
shaking like a leaf and my ears hurt from their screaming!
How on earth can two rich preachers whove got money to burn
get hooked on that garbage? Dr. Loopy wondered. Dont they
realize theyre going downhill fast?

TRIP FOUR
MAGUS THE MAGNIFICENT
Ben and Sam woke up in a dark alleyway strewn with donkey dung,
chicken bones and broken pottery. Are we in hell, Ben? Sam
moaned. My head sure does hurt like hell.
Ben blinked and looked. Wherever we are, they never heard of
Hefty Trash Bags. His heart sank when he saw two drunks
staggering through the alley. They were bruised up as if theyd
been in a fight. Nothing unusual about that. But the bare-legged
men wore pleated tunics and hobnailed sandals.
Not many beer cans in this alley, Ben muttered. And unless
those two guys are fraternity pledges going through hell week,
were still lost in the Bible, Sam.
Sam found his feet, and approached the duo. He tried his
Aramaic, but they seemed not to savvy.

56

Those guys are clean-shaven, Sam, Ben called. Jewish men

usually wore beards. So try your Greek.
The men laughed. One shoved Sam against the wall while the
other grabbed his briefcase. His friend pulled a dagger on Sam and
held it against his throat.
Ben leaped up and booted Sams
assailant on his backside, then turned on his distracted buddy, who
was busy admiring Sams unusual piece of luggage and wondering
how the snaps and zippers worked. Ben slam-dunked him with a
broken pot. The dazed drunk landed atop his partner. They were
so slow and ungainly it hadnt been much of a fight for couch potato
Ben. He whipped his trusty little can of mace out of his coat pocket
and delivered the coup de gras.
Yeow! they screamed. Fire in our eyes! What devil has done
this to us!
Surprisingly, Ben could understand the men. No language
barrier on this particular trip, thank goodness.
He tried to knife me, Ben! Sam cried. Hey, I got an idea. I
remember theres a roll of Duck Tape in the bag.
So there is, Ben grinned. He stood guard over the drunks while
Sam found it. Before the pair could fully regain consciousness,
Sam hog-tied them with the tape as Bens bulky body bore down on
them to hold them still.
Its a good thing I didnt lose weight after all, Ben chuckled.
Im big enough to pin both of em down while you slap the cuffs on
em.
The men began to come to. Oh, please, one of them begged,
let us loose. Theyre out looking for us!
See here, you scuzzball, Sam said. Turn the other cheek
stops where my rib cage starts! Im gonna turn you guys in to the
cops..that is, if cops have been invented yet. At that moment a
contingent of Roman soldiers came marching down the alley.
Cautiously Sam approached the captain of the guard, a
centurion who commanded a hundred men, give or take a few.
Officer, those men over there tried to rob and stab me as my friend
and I were walking along and minding our own business. Who
should I report them to?
Indeed! said the centurion. How is it that you overpowered
these powerful men so easily? You dont look armed.
Piece of cake, Sam sniffed. They were drunk as skunks, sir.
Ben and I picked up a few tricks in a far-off land. When your body
is weak, youve gotta use your smarts instead. Sam tapped his
forehead.
Just look how theyre bound, Cassius! the officer remarked to
his cohort. With such bonds as Ive never seen used on prisoners
before. He touched the tape, marveling that it was so lightweight,
yet so strong.

57

Weve been looking for those deserters everywhere, Cassius,

the second-in-command said. Theyre a couple of raw recruits,
Curlicus Rombulus and Blastus Barnicus, who sneaked out of our
ranks during roll call. Chances are, they robbed you because they
got hungry.
What is your name? the centurion demanded of Sam.
I am called Sam Malone, and my friend here is called Ben Buck.
We come from a land to the far west of Spain.
From beyond the Pillars of Hercules? the centurion raised his
eyebrows. That is so strange. Your clothing is bizarre, and your
speech is barbaric, though we understand you perfectly. How do we
know you arent pulling a prank?
Sir, we are carrying currency from our far-off land. Sam pulled
the wallet from his breast pocket and handed the officer a hundreddollar bill.
Strange stuff, the centurion muttered. And you say you use
this for money, eh?
Yes, sir, I guess because its so lightweight and far easier to
carry around than a sack of sesterces. But this federal reserve note
is enough to buy food for a family of four for a week.
Hardly! Ben mocked. That barely buys us dessert!
Whose image is on this piece of papyrus?
Ben Franklins, sir. He was a very wise man in his day.
Strange symbols on it too, the Roman said. Theres the allseeing Eye of Horus and an Egyptian obelisk. Egyptian papyrus.
Egyptian images. Are you two Egyptians, then?
Not quite, sir. Right here youll see written in our script: E
Pluribus Unum. That means
I know full well what E Pluribus Unum means! the centurion
barked. Out of many, one. You must admire Latin, our original
language, to use that on your money. Too bad Greek took over as
the world language, but guess you cant hold back progress.
Greek will have its day, said Ben, but I suspect some other
jargon will be all the rage, a few centuries down the road. But Latin
is very popular in our legal documents, sir. And, like Rome, we
forged our territory out of a hodgepodge of diverse peoples and
places.
Are you a rival empire, then, that we must conquer? demanded
the centurion.
Time to fudge the facts. Ah, no, sir! Weve already been
conquered, and without a shot being fired! Were some island off to
the far west of Spain.
Its named after some Roman called
Americus. Our land got conquered by dark forces doing their thing
behind closed doors ages ago! And as for E. Pluribus Unum, thats
actually the name of the Roman official who rules our land on behalf
of a powerhouse called the Club of Rome.

58

I know of no provincial governor called E. Pluribus Unum, the

centurion barked. Are you two Roman citizens, and if you are, can
you prove it?
Actually, we can, sir, Sam said. Ben and me, we come from
the far future. Two thousand years, to be exact. You guys ran the
whole world with the Pax Romana, but our own Roman-style
governors still enforce the Pax Americana upon still more lands
which shall someday be discovered from sea to shining sea!
A spearpoint was held to Sams neck. Dont try my patience,
you buffoon! the centurion growled. What proof can you show me
that you are not of our time?
Sam located his drivers license, and Ben fumbled in his clothes
till he found his too. The centurion said, Theres more of that
strange script. What does it mean?
Its written in English, our provincial language, said Sam, and
these marks are Arabian-style numerals. Here, you see our images
laminated on the card. This card was a license issued by the
government of America, which permitted me to drive one of our
modern chariots. To prove I am the holder of this license, they
reproduced my image and affixed it to this card. It says here that I
got my license renewed in the month of July, in the year 2008.
What it means is, our month of July was named in honor of Julius
Caesar, and the year is 2008 years since the birth of Jesus Christ,
that one called Yeshua by the Jews and Christos by the Greeks.
Are you two Christians then? the officer barked.
Fearfully Ben and Sam nodded. But youd never even notice,
Ben whimpered. I swear, we never fight city hall. And weve got
still more stuff to show you.
Sam didnt want to show the officers their cell phones, lest they
get confiscated. He took one of his bags of cherry bombs and a
cigarette lighter out of the briefcase. He flicked the lighter several
times, but it was out of fluid.
I know! Sam said. My magnifying glass
Cautiously Sam pulled it out of a side pouch, then found a
ministry leaflet. He walked over to a sunny spot, then held the
magnifying glass over the brochure. A bright white dot appeared on
the paper. To the Romans amazement, the leaflet smoked, then
caught fire. Sam took one of the cherry bombs, lit the fuse with the
flaming paper, then hurled the bomb at the jar hed used to clobber
the robber.
Blam! It blew to smithereens.
That is remarkable! the officer exclaimed. Imagine how many
lands we could conquer if we had access to your WMD! We could
blow billions of barbarians to bits! What caused that terrible noise
and smoke?
Gunpowder, Sam said. All I did was buy these little bombs for
my son to play with, but Im not smart enough to figure out how

59

theyre made. Gunpowder wont be discovered by western man for

many centuries. If you want to learn the secret of these little
bombs, youll have to cross the Himalayas over to China, a land to
the far east of here.
They smell like theyve got sulfur in them, Ben remarked.
And I think my chemistry teacher said theres also charcoal and
potassium nitrate in gunpowder.
Or was that sodium nitrite, the same junk they enrich hot dogs
with? Sam wondered.
Give us all youve got and well set you free! the officer
barked. Even if you are too stupid to tell us how theyre made, at
least we can turn them over to our alchemists and theyll figure that
out for themselves. We stand in your debt. You captured our
deserters and provided a secret weapon for us too. Youve served
your emperor well.
Wait, Ben begged, realizing Romans had a ferocious
reputation. For our own protection, sir, please let us keep just one
bag of these bombs, and well give you the rest.
Swords clanked. And why should we let you keep anything! the
centurion barked.
Ben played on their heart strings: Well, we did find your
deserters for you, and we deserve some reward. If youre nice to us
well do even more to prove our loyalty to Rome. I know your
troops must be homesick for Rome and they must miss their
household shrines. If youll let us keep some of our cherry bombs,
Sam and I can run a religion factory to churn out custom-made
idols for the comfort of your men. With Sams business smarts and
my artistic skills, we can cater to all your religious needs. But we
would need venture capital and a few spare slaves to get operations
running.
The centurion shook his head. You arent cut out to be a
Christian, Ben Buck, with your one-size-fits-all ecumenism.
Oh, But we are, sir, we just dont offend anybody elses faith by
claiming to be the be all and end all of religious organizations. But
we do run healing meetings. If your self esteem is down in the
dunghill, or your nerves are going haywire, our upbeat services are
good for what ails you. And if sinus sufferers send in a love gift of
five dollars or more, we send em our Sinus Miracle Cure Kit which
contains a pouch of Miracle Seed Sinus Salt, which you immerse in
our Well of Wealth Water and sniff up your schnozz to dry up your
snot.
But our Sinus Miracle Cure Kit needs a bit more work done on
it, Sam sniffed. Too bad Kleenex hasnt been invented yet. I go
around dripping like a perforated aqueduct.
Quit wiping your nose on your robe! Cardicus barked. How
barbaric! Cardicus ordered his squadron doctor to bring a roll of
bandages for Sam.

60

Sam wiped his nose and said, Thanks, officer, the local pollens
about to kill me. Oh, yes, Ive still got my sinus pills in here. He
fished around his briefcase and found a packet of cold capsules.
The Roman was so excited to see them, he forgot Sams WMD.
What are these? he breathed. Ive never seen such a little box
with shiny little pebbles in it.
This here is cardboard, Sam said, sort of a form of papyrus.
And this is egghead English which describes what my medication
contains. Some form of hydrochloride that dries up your asthma
atriums. I carry it with me wherever I go.
Sam popped one of the pills out of the silvery blister pack.
You swallow this tiny egg-shaped thing which contains these
colorful little grains, and you feel like a billion bucks within half an
hour.
Only the Egyptians are so clever! many of them mumbled. But
Cardicus shook his head and said, You two claim to be divine
healers, but you still have to dope yourselves up to keep from
falling apart. Why, I bet your preaching couldnt even cure King
Agrippa of the grippe he gets in the winter time.
But even if you are horrible healers, you two are Roman
citizens, with E. Pluribus Unum as your provincial motto, and you
did pledge your services to Rome. As your just reward for capturing
our two army deserters, I hereby appoint you, Ben Buck and Sam
Malone, as official chaplains to the Samaritan outpost of the Roman
Army. Report to me, Centurion Romanus Cardicus, at my
headquarters on Hector Hill tomorrow morning at the third hour of
the day and well discuss your assignments in further detail. Go and
find yourselves lodgings for the night, and report to my office at
nine a.m. sharp! Dismisseduh, wasnt there something I forgot to
mention?
Before the centurion could concentrate on Sams cherry bombs,
the squadron heard a loud uproar in the vicinity. A couple of
sentries entered the alleyway, shouting that there was a riot in the
marketplace and reinforcements were needed at once.
The centurion stiffened, then banged the end of his spear into
the ground. He pointed the spear point at the two deserters and
shouted, Sentries, march those maggots off to the wharf, and sell
em as galley slaves to churn out chow for our Coast Guard!
Company! Attention! Right face, Forward, March!
$$$$$$
Once the Romans were out of sight, Ben and Sam breathed easier
and ventured round the corner, relieved that the distracted
centurion had forgotten all about the cherry bombs. If they unravel
the secret of gun powder, said Ben, all of history will radically
change, and the Roman Empire will never fall.

61

Ben and Sam decided to see what was behind the uproar, but
they would steer clear of the Romans. Just around the corner was a
vast plaza where a big bazaar was set up. People milled about,
gossiping and driving donkeys and heavy-laden camels. Handicrafts
and imported goods were strung up in tents and smaller booths,
where merchants clamored for customers. Shouting raucously,
customers haggled over trinkets, sweetmeats and leather goods, or
perhaps a new water jug for the wife. But the trouble spot was at
the furthest end of the market area, near a big speakers podium.
A magician in a colorful coat and pointed hat had been happily
performing sleight of hand tricks on the platform, entertaining the
shoppers. They were all getting in a bad mood from the high heat
and even higher prices, and now some crabby old lady was trying to
agitate the crowd against the magician.
He robbed me! she wailed. He took a whole denarius off me
for telling my fortune! Magus promised me Id strike it rich before
the end of last week! I have nothing left to eat!
The crowd let out a collective grumble. Those at the base of the
podium began throw stones and storm the stage.
Ben looked at Sam. Theyre gonna kill that poor guy, Sam.
Lets help him!
The coast is clear, Sam said. No Romans up this way yet.
They shoved through the crowd yelling, Stop, everybody! Heres
your miracle money, maam!
The old woman gave a toothless grin. Youve got my miracle
harvest? Where is it?
Sam dug a baggie of Victors Medallions out of his briefcase.
Theres six of these in here, he told her. Theyre made of real
silver and gold. You can chow down for a whole month on these.
Lady Luck was a little slow getting them to you because her blessing
got tied up in bureaucratic red tape. But heres your windfall. Go in
peace.
Hes rich! several roughnecks roared. Lets get the rest!
Help! Sam cried, tugging on his briefcase. Were being
robbed!
Ben sprayed mace at the faces all around them. Ouch! Watch
your aim! Sam yelled, blinking furiously. His attackers drew back
and coughed.
"I cant see! a woman screamed.
Nor can I! yelled the man who had been trying to wrest away
Sams briefcase.
They heard a clank of swords, then a rough voice: Leave those
two men alone! Theyre Roman citizens! Anybody who messes with
them gets gored with a sword!
A gruff-looking soldier approached and escorted Ben and Sam
away from the crowd. I saw you earlier, in the alleyway. Heard
you two were Roman citizens.

62

Yes, we are, Sam said, from far beyond the Pillars of

Hercules.
I could believe that, said the soldier, because all roads lead
to Rome. Just watch your step here. This is the umpteenth time
weve had to rescue Simon Magus from a lynch mob.
Is Simon a Roman citizen too? Ben asked.
Technically, no, but the not-so-magnificent Magus provides
the only decent entertainment in this sleepy little town, so weve
made him an honorary citizen. But if he incites any more riots well
have to take him into custody for his own protection.
The quaternion of soldiers ordered everyone to go home or
theyd call in reinforcements. After a gruff warning to Simon Magus
that hed better lay off telling fortunes or run the risk of arrest for
disturbing the peace, the soldiers marched back to rejoin their
ranks. Ben and Sam looked around for Romans, then went to speak
with Simon.
You saved my life, Simon said wonderingly, at the risk of your
own.
Well, what are friends for? Ben blushed. And we sure could
use a friend right now.
You smote those men with blindness!" the wizard said
wonderingly. "Just like angels from heaven blinded the men of
Sodom! Are you two angels? Your apparel is strange indeed!"
Sam studied the garishly dressed, bearded Simon, who looked
like a refugee from Haight-Ashbury. Sam got the feeling Simon
might not be a Jew, or at least he wasnt very observant. "WellI
try to act like
an angel," Sam said, "though I can't fly yet. My
name is Sam Malone, and my friend here is Ben Buck. We come
from the year 2010uh, that means more than two thousand years
since the birth of Christ. We lived in a city called El Dinero. We
swallowed a magic potion which sent us back here to save you from
that mob."
The wizards dark eyes widened. "Really and truly? Man can
move across the unseen boundary of time just as easily as he can
move from one city to another? That is a marvelous thing to
ponder. You must show me how this is accomplished, Sam and Ben.
My name is Magus. Simon Magus. Im professionally known as
Magus the Magnificent, although I havent felt so magnificent
since some of my customers have asked for fortune telling refunds.
Know what you mean, Ben said. You had your old crone
reading you the riot act, and Ive got some old bag in Missouri
sicking the feds on me because of some botched predictions I sent
her. Misery loves company, Simon.
You can just call me Magus if you like, Simon said. Theres so
many Simons running round, its easy to get us mixed up. The
leader of the new Nazarene sect is a Simon, tooa Simon Peter. I

63

am a baptized believer, and a reformed sorcereralthough I do

backslide back into my old ways a lot, I must admit."
"I'm a believer too, MaggoterI mean, Magus," Ben said, with
a twinkle in his eye. "But first and foremost I believe in myself.
Without strong self-esteem a man is nothing and gets nowhere in
life. I know a little jingle which helps boost my self-confidence:
I believe in me
Me and only me
Don't ya see
I believe in me
Nothin' good's for free
Gotta plant the seed
And uproot the weeds
Very carefully
I believe in me.
Keep on sowin' seeds
And you'll soon receive
Just believe
There's prosperity
Popularity
In the stars for me
If I just believe
Unashamedly
In the power of ME!
"You are some singer, Ben, Magus said, and you give off good
vibes and positive energy. You must come back to my house and
take the evening meal with me, my friends. And you must lodge
with me while you sojourn in Samaria. That is the least I can do to
repay you. Where exactly is this El Dinero located?
A land to the far west of Spain, Sam said, on an enormous
island named America, after an Italian named Americus.
Is your country part of the mighty Roman empire, then?
Simon wanted to know.
Cautiously Sam whispered, Dont tell anyone, Magus, but the
mighty Roman empire will bite the dust in a few more centuries. As
for America, it does have an empire, of sorts. It bosses around
every other bastion of freedom on the block. Itll be the biggest
corporate giant in the history of mankind.
Wide-eyed, Simon said, Really and truly? But it would be well
if you could keep your remarks about Rome under your hat. You
could be thrown to the beasts for even inferring that Rome is
anything but invincible.
Magus, Sam said, Ben and I were banished back to your
time because we committed the sin of pharmakaea.

64

Pharmakaea, the use of drugs in sorcery, Magus mused. I

know all about that. Ive kept a tidy stockpile of potions in my own
cellar and used them for enchantments now and then. Simon Peter
doesnt know anything about it, he whispered, but when the other
Christians threw their books of enchantment and amulets on the
bonfire, I put mine away in a vault for safekeeping. He mustnt
ever know.
Your secret is safe with us, Sam said. What the Big
Fisherman doesnt know wont hurt him. We religious gurus have
gotta look out for each other. Our tricks of the trade must never get
leaked to the press.
Ben, Magus said, Ever since you sang that song I feel like I
could fly. One of my most popular tricks is levitation. Do you
fellows do such a thing where you come from?
Ah, no, said Ben. Thats the prerogative of Eastern mystics,
a definite no-no for us Christian preachers. And I heard that
levitation is of the devil. I definitely wouldnt try to fly without a
plane in my waking hours. And I definitely wouldnt teach it in
church. But Im not against flying in my dreams, because Ive had
lots of dreams where Im flying and swimming in mid-air, high in the
sky above every kind of trouble, and I always feel so free and
happy. I guess were in sort of a dream now, so it must be okay to
try.
Magus black eyes shone. Then lets do it! You believe in me,
Ben, and I believe in me, so I believe I can do my old flying trick,
too!
Ben looked at Sam. Wanna try?
Sure, he shrugged. He who never dreams never leaves his
mark on the world.
Thats my boys! Magus cackled. But lets take it nice and
slow. Instead of jumping off the cliff all at once, just run along
concentrating real hard and flapping your arms. When you feel light
and feathery enough, just soar off the edge of that fountain. Its
low enough that if we fall, nothing will get broken.
Magus and Ben ran all around the wide rim of the spraying
fountain. Once they felt confident enough, they hurled themselves
off the fountain and made swimming motions with their arms,
willing themselves to remain aloft. They soared slowly upward.
Sam still stood around, feeling frustrated because he was
earthbound. Just ride the crest of your own gamma waves! Ben
called. You are the master of your own mind! Ride the rhythmic
pulsations of your own brain waves, Sam!
Sam tried, but he ended up in the fountain, soaking wet.
Try just once more! Magus called from overhead. You can do
it, Sam!
Sam faltered, but his next attempt was more successful. He
hovered above the fountain and glanced hopefully upward toward

65

Ben and Magus, who were having a blast doing acrobatics in midair. But when Sam saw the rippling water waiting below, he took
another dip in the fountain and sat dazed while laughter rang out
overhead.
Why dont I just go play with them in a hot air balloon? he
grumbled.
$$$$$$
Dr. Omega, the chief neurologist of the Rio Amarillo Rehab Center,
had more disturbing news for Dr. Hacksaw and Dr. Loopy: Frankly,
Im puzzled by this printout of Bens brain wave activity. He pointed
to the curious-looking pattern on Bens latest graph. His brain
seems irretrievably locked into an REM mode, and his latest
readings indicate a pleasurably detached ride through inner space.
Dr. Loopy nodded. My greatest fear is that Ben has found so
much personal gratification by remaining in the world hes created
for himself, he will be less motivated to return to the land of the
living.
We may have to get a cardiologist to look at Sam, Dr. Hacksaw
said. He may need a balloon angioplasty to widen some arteries.
Hes hot, and hes sweating buckets. Hes going downhill fast.
$$$$$$
Centurion Cardicus was very peeved with himself for forgetting to
confiscate his share of Bens WMD. It was my fault, not his, he
sighed. Nobody expected that riot to break out when it did. Now
what did Ben say was the recipe for those little projectiles he used?
Sulfur, sir, said Sergeant Sergius. But cant we wait till the
two men report here tomorrow morning with the samples, before
troubling our heads over their secret WMD formula?
Thats why youre just a sergeant and Im a centurion,
Cardicus said. With your hasta manana attitude, youll never rise
in the ranks. But what else did the man say his weapon contained?
Can you remember at all?
The sergeant scratched his head. Po.uh, I think he said
plumbum, sir.
Cardicus understood it to mean lead in Latin. So he added a
little lead to his list as he sat there writing the recipe. Wasnt there
one more ingredient they mentioned, Sergeant?
Ah! I know what it was! he cried. Calx, I heard them say!
Calx was Latin for limestone. Theres plenty of limestone to be
had, the Centurion said.
Limestone is the backbone of this
country. So there we have it, Sergius. Sulfur, lead, and limestone.
Notify my alchemists immediately, so they can experiment. And

66

oh, he added, have them toss in a dash of quicksilver for good

measure.
The poor alchemists soon got sick from the sulfurous lead fumes
mixed with mercury. The Greek physician said they were delirious
and might not make it. But callous Cardicus could care less. He
lounged in his office, musing about how all slaves, even those
skilled in alchemy, were a dime a dozen and collateral damage had
to be expected in Romes War on Barbarianism. Besides, there was
a big budget allocated for spare slaves, and Cardicus could always
find more alchemists among them for armaments R&D. He sipped
contentedly from his lead drinking cup, blissfully ignorant that lead
poisoning would help topple the mighty Roman Empire.
$$$$$$$
Magus couldnt believe his ears. You actually promised to construct
idols for the Romans, and yet you claim to be Christians! How could
you!
Thats called situational ethics, Sam said, as he bit his barley
bread at supper. Our back was up against the wall
We even had to tone down our testimony, and tell them we
keep our religion to ourselves, Ben said.
But that is cowardice! There are so many real believers out
there who risk everything for their faith, even their own lives!
Simon protested. And yet, who am I to sit in judgment on you
two, after the way you saved my life so heroically? Besides, I still
have a lot of my old quirks and make plenty of money from them.
What else could I do for a living? My back is too delicate for pottery
making or fishing.
Old habits do die hard, Ben said, with a glum look at his lamb
broth.
I really dont want to make things worse for other
Christians by starting up an idol factory. But if Sam and I dont
report to the local garrison by nine a.m. sharp, well be eating
sword salad for lunch.
Then we must leave, Magus said. We must all leave tonight.
If you follow through with your promise to make idols for the
Roman soldiers, you may forfeit your soul forever and be beyond
all possibility of redemption before you die. But if you do not report
to Cardicus on the morrow as you promised, they will interrogate
me, for that soldier saw you rescue me, and the Romans might
suspect we are hiding new weapons technology from them.
Late that night, under the noses of the sleeping guards at the
Samaria city gates, Ben and Sam skipped town with Simon Magus,
leading a donkey laden with provisions and supplies. They would
follow a less traveled route to Damascus, where Simon knew
somebody who could hide them until the Romans tired of searching
for them.

67

$$$$$$
Fools! shouted Cardicus, after Magus deserted house had been
thoroughly ransacked in search of Sams WMD briefcase, and the
sad-faced sentries reported they knew nothing of strange-looking
strangers fleeing Samaria.
But everybody in this city looks different! protested the dimwitted night watchman. We get a wide assortment going through
those city gates every day: Nubians as dark as the night, Germans
as white as snow, fiery-haired Celts, Persians burdened with big
turbans
Silence, Andronicus! shouted Cardicus. Ive had enough of
deserters, drunks, and asinine alchemists who poison themselves
on my premises, and end up insane invalids in a madhouse! If you
two birdbrains dont locate those two futuristic aliens in time and
space by this time next week, Ill feed you to the piranhas in
Caesars pet pond!
But piranhas havent been discovered yet, Sergeant Sergius
reminded him.
Sharks, then! But if you dont find those men, Ill make
meatballs out of you both!
Just give us a little more time, Andronicus begged. Fractious
Gustus and I will do our very best, wont we, Fractious?
Yes, sir! Fractious snapped to attention, clicking his heels and
hardening his narrow face into a hawk-nosed glare which warned
that the vagabonds they were after had better hide themselves
well.
Good, Cardicus said. He flung a heavy pouch across his desk.
Heres a bag of gold for your travel expenses, and my troops will
accompany you a brief way to speed you on your journey.
Hup, Two Three Four! barked the captain of the guard, as they
marched Fractious and Andronicus out of Cardicus office, giving
them a nudge every now and then with a spearpoint.
$$$$$$
Ben woke up on his sleeping mat under the date palm, moaning. I
just had the most awful dream, he said. Cardicus threatened to
make meatballs out of his soldiers if they dont find us in a week.
How weird, when a guys dreaming, he can dream that he dreamed
something.
It is an evil omen, Magus said. We must make haste and
proceed onward toward Damascus. That city is so full of devious
cutthroats, not even our Roman pursuers will set foot in that place
until they run out of all other options. But My Uncle Dunstan is a

68

powerful man in Damascus. He will look out for us while were

there. Have no fear.
What line of work is your Uncle Dunstan in? Sam asked, as he
threw sticks on the campfire.
He runs a college of sorcery, Magus admitted. I was raised in
the Samaritan village of Gitta, which is a center for the paranormal
arts. From an early age I was initiated in the rites of the Tanaim.
From them I learned the art of levitation, and even teleportation. If
we concentrated hard enough, I suppose all three of us could find
ourselves in Damascus without burdening ourselves with a further
journey over this rough terrain.
Could I even take my briefcase? Sam inquired. Thats my
only lifeline to the reality I left behind.
Of course you could, Ben said. This is our trip, isnt it? Were
the masters of our own itinerary on this trip.
Magus went into a trance. I hear approaching hoofbeats in the
far distance. But our pursuers are many leagues away. Sam,
please extinguish our campfire and leave no trace of our
whereabouts. We need not cook our breakfast. Magus waved his
hand over a few rocks on the ground. Immediately they turned to
bread, hot as if theyd just been taken from the oven.
Talk about technology! Sam cried. Magus, how on earth did
you manage that?
The Lord Jesus Himself wouldnt do it when He was in His own
wilderness, Magus said. But I have not yet reached the point in
my spiritual development where I could live off of Scripture alone.
Im a more practical sort of character. Here, Ben and Sam, be my
guests. Eat hearty!
Mmmmm, Sam sighed. This is better than Mama Marlos
cinnamon supreme bagels!
Once theyd eaten their fill, Magus stood waving his arms over
Ben and Sam. Let us depart in the strength of the bread we have
just eaten.
Run, Sam! Ben shouted. Remember to ride your gamma
waves! Damascus is just a spit and a holler from here!
With great effort Sam grabbed his briefcase and took off running
with the others. He huffed and puffed, finally daring to lift his feet
off the rocky earth of the desert. In a moment of time the trio
found themselves at the front door of the Daring Dunstan, uncle of
Simon Magus.
A rotund, swarthy man in a silk turban and flowing garment
greeted them in a booming voice. Welcome, nephew! And who are
your two friends? Come in out of this heat and Ill fetch you a basin
of water to cool your feet. Where is your beast?
The Romans were pursuing us, Uncle, Magus replied. I had to
leave Libra out in the desert. We came here the quick way.

69

Dunstan seemed to understand. It couldnt be helped, then.

Its pointless to try to outrun the Romans without using your
powers. But your deserted donkey might provide clues as to your
general destination. You know how animals have a knack for
sniffing their way back to their owners from long distances.
Dunstan closed his eyes and went into deep meditation.
Positive thinking and visualization can accomplish wonders,
Magus whispered to Sam and Ben. Every decent religion focuses
on the positive forces latent within you.
Magus tapped the space between his eyes.
Through the
mysterious third eye, you can visualize your goal and see it
manifest in this crude outer sphere. And you can perceive events
hidden to your exterior awareness. I sense that Uncle is redirecting
my donkey to lead the Romans onto a byway that leads far away
from us.
$$$$$$
Indeed, the donkey was found in the desert, looking forlorn and
confused. The Romans deduced from magicians props found in its
saddlebags that it must belong to none other than Magus the
Magnificent.
Fractious found one of Magus tunics in the donkeys pannier,
obviously in need of laundering. He waved it under Libras nose and
said, Lead us straight to your master, good fellow.
Stupid us! Andronicus said. We need a bloodhound, not
some silly donkey! We should have brought one along!
Where this donkey leads, well follow, Fractious said. All
animals have an instinct for finding their way back to their owners.
Well follow it as far as we can, and if the trail runs cold well buy a
bloodhound.
The donkey brayed and danced around on its hind legs, as if it
were a compass at the North Pole pointing in every direction.
Suddenly it stopped and instead of heading northeast toward
Damascus, it walked due east.
Well follow it as far as the Euphrates River, Fractious said.
Beyond that, well have to take a ferry to the other side.
Only problem was, the men had a distorted idea of how far
east the Euphrates actually was from where they were. One could
not reach the Euphrates going due east without trekking many
hundreds of miles across the hot, burning Arabian Peninsula. The
donkey led them on and on, but the disciplined, frugal Romans
resolutely refused to stop and purchase a camel to carry them
across the desert.
Fractious! Andronicus cried. For heavens sake, if you dont
want to splash out on a detective dog, lets at least exchange our
tired horses for camels!

70

No! Fractious insisted, we shall keep our trusty steeds! The

Euphrates is just ahead! I, for one, will not swap my thoroughbred
stallion for some stinking, knobby-kneed beast with a bulge on its
back!
Fractious and Andronicus rode on in the burning sand, which
was beginning to drift, and becoming more and more devoid of
vegetation.
Are you bewitched? Andronicus shouted. Im turning back!
Our horses will drop dead of thirst before long if we dont locate
another spring!
You must do as I say! I outrank you! Fractious barked.
Ill just disobey and take my chances then! Andronicus
retorted.
Over the horizon a caravan of camels appeared. The riders of
the beasts drew closer and closer to the Romans, peering at them
through narrow eyes. They were dressed in fancy round hats and
flowing sheer silks such as the Romans had never seen before. The
leader of the cavalcade rode in curtained camel housing, attended
by many servants. Whoever this personage was, he wielded plenty
of clout.
Theoe men have golden skin! gasped Andronicus. Could
they be gods?
Draw your sword! Fractious ordered. Better to die with
dignity than surrender to aliens!
Not on your life! Andronicus cried. I wont fall on my
sword!
I meant fight those barbarians, stupid! Fractious barked.
Roman military might is supreme, and our power is unequaled
anywhere in the world!
A tiny missile was tossed from the curtained camel. Kablam! The Romans horses bucked and whinnied. Andronicus and
Fractious were flung off their backs like rag dolls.
The Romans rose up and ran. But they didnt get very far,
running in the blazing desert heat. Their thirst overpowered them
and they collapsed in the sand.
Weve come far enough, Ming Ching said to Won Ton Fu, his
attendant. If these two sword-slingers are examples of the
wonders of the west, we might as well just head on home. Im just
too pooped to plod on any further.
Good idea, most exalted Ming Ching, said his servant.
We cant just leave those guys here for the vultures to feed
on, Ming Ching said.
And so it came to pass that Fractious and Andronicus defected
to the East. They were set on camels and
taken over the
Himalayas to China, where they made manicotti for the Manchurian
Marines mess hall. One day they would even stumble across the

71

secret recipe for gunpowder. But the two Romans never did try to
escape or return home. Rome didnt cotton to cowards.
$$$$$$
Dunstan listened attentively as his nephew Simon Magus drew him
aside privately and briefed him on his predicament. The Romans
were surely after him, now that he was harboring fugitives fleeing
the Samaritan garrison. These men arent cut out to create idols
for the Roman army, Magus said. Their religion forbids it, and it
was in a moment of madness and desperation that they vowed to
do this thing for the Roman army. And what if their idol-making
enterprise fell short of Cardicus expectations? He is a very hard
man to please, I heard.
A grim look crossed Dunstans wizened face. I had considered,
nephew, that since you have fled Samaria, that your kinfolk in Gitta
could be in deadly peril of being rounded up and interrogated. Even
if they arent treated roughly, they could be held as hostages or
enemies of the Roman State if you dont take these men back to
Samaria and hand them over.
Uncle Dunstan, I cant betray the men who saved my life, Magus
said. Give me three days, and if word doesnt reach us that
Cardicus has been rendered powerless, we will muster a fighting
force among our disciples and defend my kinfolk in Samaria.
We are in a dilemma, Dunstan said. It is a matter of
gentlemanly honor. Any man who delivers his own savior up to
enemies to be destroyed is no man at all. We will cast a spell on
Cardicus and bide our time. Perhaps the fates will favor us after
all.
I know of a much greater Savior Who was delivered up to His
own enemies by people He loved unto death, Magus said. But
these two friends of mine who saved me from the crowd will not be
betrayed by me, regardless of what I must sacrifice.
Over the next two days, Magus and Dunstan sequestered
themselves in the pleasant courtyard. They fasted and took potions
to induce a trancelike state. They made mumbo jumbo incantations
and burned incense.
The way Magus and Dunstan repeated
mantras and let out wild shrieks gave Ben and Sam the creeps, just
watching them. And I thought our gimmicks were weird! Sam
exclaimed.
Hocus pocus is a sin, Ben said. But dont we push our luck
with the Lord sometimes?
Within three days an excited courier was heard knocking rapidly
on Dunstans door. Most Excellent Dunstan, the young man
breathed, I have ridden day and night on a swift steed to deliver
this message to you. It is from the village of Gitta, in Samaria.

72

Dunstan took the parchment from his hand and unsealed it. He
read it for all to hear:
*****
Greetings to our worthy kinsman Dunstan,
Word has just reached us that your old adversary, Centurion
Romanus Cardicus, has been arrested by an emissary of Caesar for
abuse of political power and waste of government funds. Cardicus
has been taken to Joppa to board a ship sailing for Rome, to stand
trial before Caesar. The eminent statesman, Senator Gaius
Benedictus, has given sworn testimony before Procurator
Appolonius of how beneficial your holistic doctrine of selfactualization has been in propagating concord and harmony among
men of every religion under the sun. And harmony is just what the
rebellious Roman Empire desperately needs, the Honorable Gaius
Benedictus reputedly said to Appolonius, Provincial Procurator of
Samaria.
Governor Appolonius has extended to your entire Cult of the
Mystical Tanaim the benefits of full Roman Citizenship and all the
honor accorded to men who possess the powers of the gods and
work toward the common betterment of civilized society.
Henceforth, no man, bond or free, Roman, Greek or barbarian,
must molest any member of your family or any follower of your
particular cult, on pain of death.
It has been noised abroad that your nephew, and my own
worthy kinsman, the renowned magician Simon Magus, departed
our district under cover of night. He left a farewell note at his
residence, discovered by legionnaires of the Roman garrison. But
Simon declined to divulge his destination.
We have every reason to believe Simon has sought sanctuary
with you. But now that he enjoys the unqualified endorsement
and protection of Rome, Simon may return home in peace to pursue
his profession with the full sanction of the Roman Imperial
Government.
It is my heartfelt desire that this letter finds you and your
household in prosperity and peace.
Your affectionate cousin,
Elymas ben Behemoth
*****
So Cousin Elymas says I may return home. Magus was
overjoyed.

73

Caution is the better part of valor, Dunstan warned him. This

good news could be a trap to flush the partridge out of hiding.
Just bide your time here until you have further proof that all is well
in Samaria. You could lend a hand in helping me instruct our
initiates in the college of sorcery.
But what of Ben and Sam? Let them do as they will, but so
long as they are content to remain among us, my home is open to
them. They did, after all, save your life, Simon.
And if this message is only a trap, wouldnt my relatives need
me to be there for them if the Romans decided to vex them in my
absence?
Little good your physical presence in Samaria would do, Simon,
if the Romans are still intent on opposing you. You are just one
man against a trained fighting force of thousands. Our magic is far
more powerful than our mere bodies. We can cast a spell on the
Romans just as efficiently here as there.
They are harsh, formidable men on the outside, Magus said,
but I have every reason to suspect many of them are deeply
superstitious. If so, they will not needlessly provoke enmity from a
community of sorcerers.
Avoid their enmity at all costs, Simon, or at least hide your true
feelings toward them. And it might even be helpful to our goal of
world brotherhood if you looked for ways to extend goodwill to the
Romans. If it serves the interests of our cult and helps ensure its
survival in the Empire, you have my permission to feign friendliness
toward anyone on earth, even the Romans.
Magus looked thoughtful. True, Uncle. As much as possible, we
must avoid conflict, while at the same time we must never give
anyone the impression we are cowards afraid of powers greater
than ourselves. Provoking a Roman needlessly is just as stupid as
twisting the ears of a lion with your bare hands.
So if you truly have been honored with Roman citizenship and all
the possible benefits it bestows, gladly accept it and use it toward
our own advantage, Dunstan counseled.
We are the ones who will survive in a world like this, Magus said
fiercely. If Rome offers me any honors I shall seize them eagerly
and her glory will be my glory also. Simon Peter despises laurels
and praise from fellow men. His existence is no easy one. Peters
followers have been hounded not only by intolerant Romans, but by
fellow Jews who oppose the sect of the Nazarenes.
And no wonder, Dunstan said. Peters Christians are inflexible
and intolerant of other religions, for they boldly proclaim their
crucified Messiah to be the only way to eternal life. But anyone
who is despised, jailed, beaten, tortured, mocked, and cast out like
dung by the prevailing powers cannot say they are living life to the
full. The Nazarenes are as walking dead men who have no prestige
or value in the eyes of the people who really matter.

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Magus shook his head. The miracle is, Uncle, that these people
are so stubborn about their doctrine and nothing can persuade them
to conform to the ways of civilized men. What gives them the
power to stay on the miserable course of suffering theyve chosen
for themselves? What holds them up when all the forces of Hades
seem to be unleashed against them?
$$$$$$
Dr. Hacksaw noticed more irregularities on Bens and Sams charts.
This has got to be the absolute last time I see these characters in
this clinic, Dr. Loopy. Their heart rate is erratic, and theyre dead to
our dimension. Im afraid if they pull this stunt again we wont be
able to save their lives.
They sure have given us all a scare, Dr. Loopy replied. Ive
never seen weirder brain wave patterns on any chart Ive handled
before.
$$$$$$
Those guys give me the heebie jeebies, Ben told Sam. All that
muttering and chanting sure is spooky, and when I was growing up,
my pastor warned us against witchcraft of every sort. Even palm
readers or horoscopes could send people to hell, he said.
Since when did something being a sin ever stop us from doing
whatever we wanted? Sam shrugged. Is it any less of a sin to sell
Magic Miracle Water to old ladies on Social Security, than it is for
Magus to mumble his mumbo jumbo and go into trances?
All I know is, weve gotta do something to rake in some
sesterces, Ben said.
Weve gotta pay for our share of the
groceries around here. None of the local supermarkets have a
double coupon week.
Guess our vacations over, Sam said. Gotta go hit the sawdust
trail and find some pew jumpers to fatten our coin pouches. At least
we dont deal in Samaritan deities, or conjure up spectral spooks.
Ben and Sam told Magus theyd hang around for awhile, if that
was okay with Uncle Dunstan, but they would have to get back to
preaching and passing the offering buckets. After all, that was all
they knew how to do.
Perhaps we could pool our talents and resources, Magus
suggested. Lets consolidate. I can do my usual fire-walking trick,
and if I reach the right state of consciousness I can levitate, or even
fly, the same way we got here to Damascus,
Sams eyes lit up. Hey! I just remembered! Ive still got
those Kazukis in my briefcase! Theyre a computerized music
marvel that hasnt even hit the market yet! And its only rich guys
like us who could buy our kids the prototypes! Before we left El

75

Dinero, Id just bought six of those little babies for Hendrick and his
buddies! Excitedly Sam rummaged through his briefcase and found
the six slender metal devices, about three inches long, two inches
wide and a half an inch thick, still intact in their boxes.
The long-life solar cell is included, and theres no need for a
separate speaker attachment, Sam said. Unless you wear an
earphone, everybody can hear it loud and clear. Sam scrolled down
the music program on the Kazukis tiny screen until he found
Everybody Hurts by REM.
I always was into the old stuff, he said, and thisll work a few
heartstrings.
The tiny device even had its own slender metal stand which
snapped out from the sides. Sam set it up and the song boomed out
with rich stereophonic quality.
Ben pretended he was onstage pleading with his crowds. As the
singer sang: Everybody hurts, theres comfort in a crowd, Ben
shouted in his most emotive voice: Yes, we ALL hurt sometimes,
folks, but theres comfort for you here! Take comfort in our love for
you! God loves you! Find comfort in the faith deep down in your
own hearts! Soar up on the bold, brave wings of your faith and give
to the needy now!
What a miraculous little device! Magus remarked, his eyes
shining. Yes, we shall be able to use it as we minister to those in
need of a miracle.
Its modern technology, Simon, Ben admitted. It isnt really
all that supernatural.
But what the crowd doesnt know wont hurt them! Magus
chortled. If they find it beneficial to believe that unseen powers
cause music to proceed from a tiny metal amulet, then let them.
You, Ben and Sam, can be my opening act to warm up our
audiences so they will expect to see even more impressive signs
and wonders performed by Magus the Magnificent. You may preach
whatever you like, because I know you two are positive thinkers
who believe in the mental might latent within you. Your soul is as a
deep well from which you are drawing. It is a gold mine you are
slowly chipping away at to get through the dense dross which has
concealed your hidden treasure. You, Sam and Ben, have devoted
your lives to the pursuit of unseen mysteries, and you have taught
that the boundary between fantasy and reality can be bridged. That
is why you are with me now. While other religious folks around you
were content with their rags and poverty, you two visualized money
and wealth, and great prosperity has come to you in your lives.
That must have taken a great deal of discipline and diligence in
applying yourselves to the study of universal secrets of success.
Ben blushed. Aw, shucks, I do my best. And Sam here, hes
been a real inspiration to me in my spiritual journey.

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Do you two believe that youve lived past lives? Magus asked
them later, over supper.
What do you think were doing now, Magus? Sam said. Were
hardly living in the future.
I meando you believe you played many roles in many
different places, even before you were born the last time?
Ben scratched his head. Well, it will be nearly two thousand
years before Benjamin J. Buck is born to Thelma Lou and Donny
Buck in Millsap, Minnesota.
Ben! Sam said. I think Magus is asking us if we believe in
reincarnation.
Not exactly, Magus, Ben replied. Its not in the Bible, so Im
not allowed to believe in it.
So you two men do not believe in things unsubstantiated by the
Hebrew scriptures, Uncle Dunstan said. Or rather, you are not
allowed by your religious traditions to admit you believe what you
do.
I dont think the Greek scriptures in the King James support
reincarnation either, Sam said. Scripture says It is appointed
unto men once to die and then comes a mans judgment.
Magus fiddled with his wine cup and said, Only once? Well,
what about the people Jesus raised up from the dead? Surely
theyll die again before the great resurrection.
Youre taking that too literally, Ben said. Those whom Jesus
raised from the dead simply died before their appointed deaths
when they died the first time, so that doesnt count. And as for
being recycled through hundreds of incarnations, I shudder to think
that at the judgment Id have to answer for hundreds of different
characters and all the sins they committed. Why, Im such a rascal
its a big enough problem to keep track of all Ben Bucks booboos.
Same here, Sam said. The only rebirth our religion allows for
is conversion to Christianity, and the new life Christ gives a person
dead in trespasses and sins.
Dunstan fidgeted. Why dont we pursue a different subject? My
nephew tells me you have achieved great success for yourselves
through the doctrine you spread. Can you tell me what it is that
draws such huge crowds to your meetings?
To put it bluntly, Dunstan, we sell self-esteem. People in my
world feel under constant pressure to outstrip all others in their field
and impress all the rest. And when they fall short of their goals,
they feel like a failure. Even born-again believers get depressed
sometimes and get inferiority complexes because they dont feel like
spiritual giants turning the world upside down.
So what do you tell them to make them feel better? Magus
asked.
I simply tell them that when we become children of God, we
become little gods, based on a literal interpretation of verses like

77

Psalms 82:6 and John 10:34. The Bible says, Now are we the
children of God, and it does not yet appear what we shall become.
God wants every born-again believer to grow into his or her full
potential and exercise the dammed-up force of faith latent within
themthat god kind of faith that was mighty enough to create the
world out of nothing. Just like a dog has puppies and a horse has
foals, God begets after His own kind.
Truly you and I are in accord! Magus smiled. Everything
reproduces more of the same, and when you become a child of God,
you partake of the divine nature, with all that it implies. I would go
so far as to say that includes the prerogative of being worshipped
for the glorious being you truly are.
Ben choked on his artichoke soup. Whoa, Magus!
Herod
Agrippa turned into worm food for letting people worship him. Sam
and I love interacting with big crowds, but theres a limit to how
much I pile onto the sin side of the scales of life. Ill run like the
devils after me if anybody ever falls flat on their face to worship
me!
Herod Agrippa was a very evil man, Dunstan said. That must
be why the angel of the Lord smote him dead when he did. Almost
daily we got reports of the atrocities he and all the other horrible
Herods have committed against the poor peasants. Its a wonder
the worms didnt barf up that big braggart. Herod died because the
cosmos itself couldnt stomach him anymore.
Ugh! Sam said. Not a very appetizing dinner topic. Pass the
butter, please.
Speaking of butter, Ben said, its a lot easier to pry money out
of tightly closed fingers if you butter those fingers up a little. Butter
people up with words of positive affirmation, Magus. Make them
feel like Gods heroes of faith who dare to take a leap of faith in
sharing their last two mites with your ministry. Hey, Dunstan, do
you have a carrot?
I dont think they know carrots around here, Ben, Sam said.
Well, then, Dunstan, bring one of your juicy pomegranates
outside and Ill teach you one of the magical secrets of my ministry.
They all walked out to the horse stable. Ben asked Dunstan to
bring out the slowest mule he had. Stubborn old Lazy Bones was
shoved out of the stable into the night air. Sam held a torch to
provide light while Ben rigged a long reed to the top of the mules
bridle, between his ears.
A string was tied around the
pomegranate, and it was suspended from the tip of the reed, which
was about one foot away from the mules mouth.
The mule sniffed at the pomegranate and began to pursue it. It
walked on and on without being scolded. Thats what we do, Ben
said. We keep the prize in full view of the crowd, but its always on
tomorrows horizon, just out of easy reach. Just one more faith

78

offering, and surely God will reward that poor widows next act of
faithfulness by giving her a hundred times as much as she gave us.
Magus shook his head. Ben, Ben, you old rascal. I really see no
difference between what you do and what I do. Youre every inch
the sorcerer I am, except you manipulate minds rather than matter.
Your problem is, you want the best of both worlds. Youre like a
little child afraid to jump in a cool pool because your mother warns
you not to. But your heart is already immersed in that deep pool
youre forbidden to refresh your parched body in. While mother
isnt looking, youre content to sit on its edge dipping your toes in it.
And didnt you and Sam enjoy the benefit of my powers when you
partook of the loaves in the wilderness?
We set a mighty poor example for following Christ, Ben
muttered. When Jesus was in the wilderness, He refused to
transform stones into bread. Instead, He said, Man shall not live
by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds out of the mouth
of God.
Indeed He had the power to live solely from spiritual realities,
Magus said.
But you have not yet attained to that level of
perfection where matter no longer matters. God is a practical Deity,
Ben. He created you with taste buds and a stomach, not just a
mind for digesting doctrine.
At least I dont wave a wand or stock jars of potions in my
cellar, Ben said.
Magus looked mad. And where would you and Sam be now,
Ben, if you two hadnt teleported yourselves to Damascus and
evaded the Romans who were chasing us on fast horses? Youd
either be dead or on your way to some slave market! And besides,
he grinned, didnt Philip the Evangelist travel supernaturally after
he baptized the Ethiopian eunuch? What we did was not without
precedent.
Sheepishly, Ben admitted it could have saved their lives, being
wondrously whisked away from the bloodthirsty Romans. But still,
Magus, I dont chant like you do, and I dont cast spells on people.
Oh, but you and Sam do that every time you dangle that everelusive pomegranate in front of the poor, the ignorant, the lonely,
and the sick. I manipulate matter, but you manipulate minds. Worst
of all, you invade the inner sanctum of peoples souls with a justout-of-reach hope they will never see realized in this life. And you
look for ways to ransack the spirit room of those people, to steal the
treasures which belong only to God Himself. Do you think your God
is fooled by the show you put on pretending to follow in the
footsteps of the homeless Nazarene Who had no place even to lay
His own head each night?
Magus, Ben said testily, there are millions of people out
there who wont set foot in a conventional church building. Our
razzle-dazzle show is the bait which rekindles an interest in God and

79

the Bible within the hearts of people who couldnt care less
anymore.
Has it ever occurred to you, Magus pointed out, that you
are even beginning to bewitch yourselves? You two make a show of
being true believers in Christ after the manner of Simon Peter or
James or John, but your heart is elsewhere. Youre more like me
than you care to admit, Sam and Ben. You sit in judgment on me
for practicing sorcery,
but at least I admit thats what my
profession is. Youre a far more dangerous sort than I am, Ben
Buck, because with me, at least people know theyre being
bewitched. What you see is what you get. You pretend to adhere
strictly to Scripture, but you bend and twist Holy Writ to serve your
own selfish ends. You practice your wizardry with words, not with a
wand or magic potions. Although it can be said you used a potion
on yourselves to come back in time to consult with me.
We did commit the sin of pharmakaea, Sam said. And weve
still got some of it left.
Lets see it, then, Magus said.
Sam took out some of his stash of pills, capsules, angel dust
and hashish. I picked these up at the Royal Pelican Night Club,
Sam said, before we left our own time. Im just lucky I didnt get
frisked by some cop and his canine deputy.
I hope you werent planning to give this junk to Hendrick
too, Ben laughed. Those kids would set the whole forest on fire.
It helps me survive the fiery trials of married life, Sam told
Magus. Wanna try a joint?
Are they harmful? Magus frowned.
Just take one or two puffs, since youre not used to smoking.
Dunstan, you can try it too, if you want.
The four men kicked back and relaxed the rest of the evening,
passing the joint around, drinking, and joking about their failed
flings with women, and their narrow escapes from the clutches of
government bureaucracy.
Next morning, after the most horrible hangover hed ever had
in his life, Sam remembered something else. Ive got a whole
packet of pot seeds in my bag! he cried. Dunstan, do you have a
spare plot in your courtyard to plant pot in? Were going into the
reefer racket!
Ben and Sam showed Dunstan and Magus how to cultivate pot
in their own back yard. This is the next best thing to heaven! Ben
laughed.
No cops can hassle us, cause no laws have been
legislated against it yet!
$$$$$$
Cardicus cussed as the ship lurched on the wild waves, making him
nauseous. Magus bewitched my own superiors! he growled. But

80

just wait till Emperor Caligula gets him by the throat. Caligula likes
me! Caligula will hack Magus into mincemeat after I tell him how
that mad magician does crazy Caligula comedy routines during his
shows! Well see who wins in the end!
The ship had barely docked in Rome when the captain of the
vessel was informed about a state funeral taking place, that of
Emperor Caligula, who had died a violent death. And he was to be
succeeded by Claudius Caesar.
Cardicus cried when the captain told him. Ive had my
differences with Claudius, and now that hes been appointed the
new Caesar, hell chop me up into a Caesar salad!
$$$$$$
Magus was delighted with the splendid fund-raising idea Sam
brought from the future. That is truly remarkable! Not even Peter,
James or John go around dunning their disciples for ten per cent of
their salaries and wages! And no form of the tithing law is ever
observed by Gentile believers. Jewish farmers and herdsmen still
tithe on their products, but no fisherman or potter ever pays tithes
of fish or pottery to the Jewish Temple! How will religious leaders
of your day manage to convince even the poorest Gentile widows
they must tithe on filthy lucre? And especially since, as you told me
earlier, the Temple will be destroyed in only a few decades, and the
Levitical priest system shall cease operations?
Most folks dont know this, Sam drawled, but institutionalized
tithing on money didnt start until the Middle Ages, when the great
false church system begins to persecute the kind of little flock
church Peter and his associates shepherd. Rich prelates will rise up
among the nobility of the land. They will live like kings. Instead of
a few humble raggedy apostles running around on bare feet, those
lordly rulers shall be decked in rich vestments and miters. They will
be carried around in litters, being hailed as demi-gods. People will
kneel before them and call them the closest reality to Christ
Himself, and treat these powerful men as if they were Christ
Himself. The great edifices of the worldwide institutional church
will be vast. Statues and icons will adorn them. They will be
palaces bedecked by the gold of starving peasants around the
world. And it costs plenty of money to maintain the princes of such
a worldwide superchurch in the splendor theyve grown used to. It
is at times like that where forging convenient principles out of the
written Word of God comes in handy. Now we admit, not one verse
in all the Bible, Old or New Testament, ever commands believers to
pay tithes on money, but on agricultural produce only, and even
then, only under the old Jewish covenant, and you and I know
Gentiles arent under the old ceremonial law anyway. But most
people of our time are so busy with their kids and their jobs, theyll

81

just take the preachers word for it that God wants them to tithe out
of their meager cash wages.
So they will be too busy to investigate whether the heavy yoke
placed upon them is legitimate, Magus mused. I marvel that such
a lie will be so easily swallowed, though.
Well, Magus, Ben said, you yourself believe in drawing deeper
truths out of that which is plainly stated in Scripture. Principles,
thats the word for it. Or, reading between the lines, you might call
it. Gods Word can be considered a love letter to His people, and
what is implied, or what can be deduced through an interpretation
of Scripture based on spiritual mysticism is often regarded as being
just as binding as the literal letter of the Law. In that way, people
add to the written requirements of the Word of God. In various
places, the ten per cent principle recurs.
Melchisedek was
presented with ten per cent of Abrahams booty of war. Kings were
honored with tribute of ten per cent or more. Like in I Samuel
Chapter 8, the Israelites demand that God give them a king. So
what does Samuel the prophet do but warn them that if they get
that king, hell confiscate ten per cent of all they possess?
So the religious kings of your time enrich themselves by laying
tribute upon the people of God? Magus said wonderingly.
Yes, Magus. People are led to believe that since the ten per
cent standard of giving keeps on cropping up, the Christian slaving
away at a humble job is obligated to hand ten per cent of his wages
over to the one doing the more important job of preaching. And he
is to give this amount even before Caesar is paid his taxes.
But you said the Roman Empire would someday fall, Ben.
Different form, same essence, Sam said. Our leaders might
not be called Caesar, but they sure do act like it!
So the preacher of your day justifies taxing Gods children ten
per cent, based on what they claim is an unspoken, implied
command of God Himself? Magus remarked.
Principles for
successful living include obeying laws that arent even written in
Scripture. I have taught you well, Ben. Delving into mysticism has
its advantages. Someday the church will be clothed in splendor,
and her princes will be garbed in gold. That is how it should be.
$$$$$$
The Magus the Magnificent Show was getting underway. Step right
up, folks! Sam cried, as he stood on the portico. Admission is
free! Its the spaciest spectacle on earth! Theres fire-walking,
levitation, teleportation, and self-esteem seminars, all wrapped up
under one roof in the Crystal Coliseum! Get your Fig Fantasies,
Honey Halvah, Date Delights and Pomegranate Pops at the food fair
in the lobby!

82

Ben set up one of Sams Kazuki Music Blasters on a tabletop

draped with a voluminous tapestry. Ben and Sam wore starspangled caps and coats of many colors almost as garish as Magus
own outfit. Ben bowed as the opening bars of Wind Beneath My
Wings boomed out of the little Kazuki.
Swaying to the music, Ben shouted, How many of you want to
see the supernatural in your own life? How many of you want to
soar higher than an eagle? Look! Ben pointed at Magus, who was
already levitating high up above his head.
Faith puts the wind beneath your wings! Ben cried. Faith in
the creature God created you to be!
Youve gotta believe in
yourself! Youve gotta believe there will be a harvest for every
single seed of faith sown! Open your hand wide to show the faith
thats inside!
Give to those who provide you with spiritual
nourishment! Hear the Scripture! Thou shalt not muzzle the ox that
treadeth out the corn! Dont muzzle us, folks! This is a free show,
but we depend on your faith offerings to help us to help others!
After thunderous applause and clamors for more, Ben scrolled
the Kazuki down to Everybody Hurts.
Everybody hurts! Ben cried. But you can stop hurting
tonight! Theres victory in the air! I can smell it right now!
Up in the high portico where tall torches illuminated the
crystal ceiling, Sam had instructed a few assistants to wrap a
coating of cannabis around each torch with a layer of burlap. The
torches released spicy fumes which lent an air of mystery to Magus
meeting. Enhancing the heady fragrance was frankincense burning
in a few
urns scattered above the heads of Magus adoring
devotees. At Sams direction, tapestries had been hung over the
open spaces between the columns at the entry to keep the fumes
in.
Ah, this is delightful! one after another shouted. My
problems seem so far away!
I feel as if I could fly! a happy woman cried.
These men are gods! several avowed. See how Ben makes
music come out of the magic amulet.
Better not storm the stage to steal it, an old man
cautioned. Those three men are Roman citizens!
When the crowd was firmly in a good mood, Ben began his
sermon on tithing. All God asks for is ten per cent, he said. I
think tithings a good deal. After all, you get to keep the other
ninety per cent, and Scripture promises youll never have to do
without if only youll dare to take God at His Word and prove His
Word is true.
To zithers and trumpets Ben began to march round the stage
with Sam and Magus, singing:
I confess

83

That Im blessed
Time to put God to the test
Pay your tithe
Pay on time
And your faith will do the rest
Theres a million miracles a-waitin there for you
If youll only believe what faith can do
Just confess
That youre blessed
And youll always get the best!
*****
Ten per cent
Put it in
Lots of loot will come to you
Tithing pays
And youll save
Tons of trials and trouble too
Theres a million miracles awaitin there for you
If youll only believe and sow seeds too
Just confess
That youre blessed
And your stones will turn to bread!
After the trio finished singing, the brass instruments kept on
playing as Magus wowed the crowds with a mighty miracle. He
waved his jeweled hands over a heap of gray stones. Immediately
they were transformed into freshly baked, hot loaves of bread which
gave off a sumptuous aroma. Then Magus bowed and blew kisses
to the hungry people before flinging the loaves out to them. Some
got injured in the rush for free food, but the show must go on.
Once the crowd calmed down a bit but was still glowing with
excitement, the offering was taken up, which overflowed the wicker
baskets that were passed out by Magus and Dunstans disciples.
Ben didnt even gripe when he noticed a few ragged beggars
dipping into the proceeds. They had to eat too, he figured. And
knowing Magus, hed cast a curse on anyone caught dipping into
his donations.
Time for the sick to be prayed for. Outside a big sign had been
posted in three languages: No lepers allowed. It would take
genuine apostles to deal with dread diseases like that, Magus knew.
Anyone who had a concrete, visible complaint, like the plague or
severe disability, was turned away by gate keepers who told them
the Coliseum was all filled up and no more seats were available.
But simple aches and pains or problems of a psychiatric or spiritual
nature, the gate keepers gladly admitted.

84

A few sick were hypnotized by Magus to no longer feel their

arthritic pain or miserable migraines. Magus even made a show of
casting devils out of people afflicted with profound dementia. But
of course the demons cooperated with Magus and vacated their
premises.
Bastardizing the message and mission of the first
century church was crucial to the long-term agenda of Lucifer, the
demons wicked prince of darkness.
After every miracle meeting Magus and his entourage would be
ceremoniously carried home to Uncle Dunstans villa in curtained
litters, guarded by sharpshooter bodyguards, which the cult could
now easily afford. Magus the Magnificent was admired by magic
junkies far and wide.
Magus nursed the marijuana plants as if they were his own
babies, or at least thats what Ben told Sam. Magus would go out to
the courtyard each morning, ask how they were doing and utter a
blessing incantation over the well-watered patch.
Before many weeks passed, a rich harvest of marijuana was
gathered in. Ben and Sam showed Dunstan how it was hung in the
dry air to cure, and after that it would be shredded to go into
cigarettes. Since modern paper was still unknown to Western man,
and papyrus was too expensive and too inflexible, Bens cigarettes
were rolled up like cigars in dried fig leaves.
Since Ben, Sam and Magus didnt want to waste their time
hawking stuff in the marketplace, the cannabis was entrusted to
middlemen who sold it for them and turned over fifty per cent of the
profits to Magus, who periodically sent his agents to the various
stalls to collect their fair share.
Every evening a service was to be held, the torches would be
spiced up with cannabis, enhanced by the heady aroma of
frankincense. And at the end of Magus magic shows, depressed,
overworked spectators would go home dancing and singing, thrilled
by spectacular entertainment and radiating renewed self-esteem.
People rejoiced in being relieved of their aches and pains even after
theyd been relieved of much of their wealth.
$$$$$$
Its high time Ben and Sam were initiated into more of our
mysteries, Dunstan told Magus one morning.
Perhaps, Uncle, Magus mused. Ah, you mean, take our
guests to the Temple of Mysteries?
It is part of our religion, Magus, and if they would be part of
our craft they must get initiated.
But what will Ben and Sam say? Both are married men, and
their conscience is burdened enough.

85

Dunstan grinned evilly. What conscience? Theyve already

prostituted their principles. Any man who lusts after widows mites
is only a short step away from making love to temple prostitutes.
$$$$$$
Rosie and Miranda stopped at a juice bar for refreshment. It helps,
to carry on life as normal, Miranda sighed, surrounded by bags of
exclusive apparel and accessories. Nothing like retail therapy to
keep me from going crazy.
Whatll we do, Mirandaif worst comes to worst? Rosie
shuddered over her peach amaretto smoothie.
Well cross that bridge when we get to it, Miranda said. But if
Ben and Sam are going through the same nightmare I suffered
through, heaven help them!
If we have to, Rosie said, you and I can keep on running
Green Manna Ministries by ourselves, with the help of our board of
directors. But if Ben ends up permanently disabled by this latest
episode, wholl be the one doing the song and dance routine on the
stage? You and me, we arent cut out to do carnival shows.
Well find somebody, Rosie, relax. Our computers are doing a
great job sending out lucrative literature and slick paraphernalia to
keep the money rolling in. Brother Nick has been the most awesome
fill-in for Ben on our TV show, and Ron Panzini is doing great as
Nicks co-host. Well just have to take one day at a time till Ben and
Sam snap out of it.
Eventually, well have to do the miracle crusades again, Rosie
said, or well lose a lot of our donor base.
If it comes to that, said Miranda, well start interviewing
energetic, extroverted, good-looking Christian guys to take Bens
place onstage. Then we can do the crusades again.
Right, said Rosie. And whoever we like the best would have to
be seminary educatedor at least be able to spout all the right
rhetoric to play peoples heartstrings.
Miranda dashed away a tear, then sipped her Diet Coke. Oh,
Ben, Ben, dont leave me! I miss you! she prayed to the memory in
her mind. Our little girls Honey and Money miss you! Even
Calpurnia and Caldonia miss you!
Dont dump all your ministry
worries on me and Rosie! All we should worry about is how to
spend money, not make it!
Theres a plus side to all this, Rosie sighed. If theyre lying in
that hospital being watched by doctors, they cant be getting into
more mischief behind our backs.
$$$$$$

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Magus spent most of the evening having a heart to heart talk with
Ben and Sam about the need for overcoming their reticence about
entering fully into the deeper mysteries of the Tanaim mystery cult.
You need to make a full commitment, Ben and Sam, Magus said.
Jesus Himself said it is foolish to decide to go somewhere, and then
look back longingly at the place youve just left behind.
Im not looking back, Magus, Im looking ahead, to the wife Ill
rejoin after I wake up. Miranda can be a real pain sometimes, but
were life partners, as old-fashioned as that concept is to people of
my own time.
Are you and Sam, perhaps, afraid of offending your Maker by
being initiated at the Temple of Mysteries?
If we cross God any more than we have already, it could be
curtains for us, Ben said.
But it matters not what matter does, Magus said in a beguiling
voice. Matter is evil anyway, and only the spiritual essence of man
is important. All God cares about is internal realities which affect
that esoteric part of you which lives forever You cant make your
temple of clay any holier by abstaining from pleasure, because it is
a defiled thing of the dust which cannot enter into the Kingdom of
Heaven. You two men have much love to share with others. Do not
let false piety cause you to withhold it from the dedicated women
who serve at the temple altar.
Ben looked at Sam nervously. Guess a guys gotta do what hes
gotta do.
Just think of it as having a harem, Ben, Sam said. Lots of
guys in the Bible had harems.
$$$$$$
The heathen temple in Damascus was a mammoth wonder of
carved, gilded marble, hung with gorgeous tapestries and glaring
gargoyles projecting from the massive stone masonry. Great pillars
of smoke rose into the sky as flames consumed bloody carcasses
offered on the immense altar. The Temple of Mysteries served
crowds of chanting, spellbound folks devoted to the worship of
Venus, Diana, and numerous fertility deities prayed to by Middle
Eastern Gentiles. Samaritans visiting Damascus, among them
Simon Magus, observed the rites of their own mystery cults. The
mixed-up mishmash which comprised Samaritan theology was
supposedly devoted to the honor the true God of Israel, but in
reality, it was a hybrid of Babylonian heathenism and adulterated
doctrine spun out of a few select Old Testament passages.
Ben and Sam dragged their feet as they were led along by
Magus and Dunstan. Now watch and see how it is done, Magus
whispered to Ben.

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Magus approached the ornate altar, before which was spread a

gilded couch perfumed with rose petals. A beautiful woman in a
flowing white gown and a wreath of flowers in her hair approached
him from a curtained vestibule.
Helena, my lovely one, Magus said, bowing and kissing her
hand. Let us offer oblations to Nergal of Cuth, the great one, and
to Semiramis, the mother goddess.
Sacrifice was made upon the horned altar, and an oblation of
wine was offered to Magus deities. In the midst of this idolatry
Magus and his partner made passionate love, unashamedly and
publicly. Ben and Sam didnt care to watch. Some tasks should be
carried out in privacy, they agreed.
Once Magus returned to Ben and Sam to tell them it was their
turn to be pleasured, one of Magus disciples rushed in to inform
him that an initiate was having problems practicing his magic spells.
Magus told Ben and Sam he trusted they could handle their
initiation all alone, and departed with great pomp to consult with
the magic student in the nether chamber of the temple. All the
other onlookers followed them, excited about the patronage of
Magus the Magnificent.
Well, at least weve got us a little privacy. You go first, Sam
gulped, tremulously.
Two young girls came out to greet Ben and Sam. They both
seem shy, one girl whispered to her fellow priestess. You take
yours in the nearby atrium, and I shall entertain my guest here.
Ben sat on the silk couch vacated by Magus. How old are you?
he asked a slender, dark-haired girl in a sheer white shift.
Fifteen, she laughed. Does that seem too old to you, sir?
Ben nearly choked. Too old? What the heck are you doing in a
place like this, making contact with older men? How did you come
to do such work?
A cloud of sadness passed over the girls face. Her lower lip
quivered. My father died without any sons to look after my
mother, she sighed. In order to help provide for her, I consented
to be sold to the Temple to officiate in fertility ceremonieswith all
the attendant duties of a temple priestess.
Well, I havent even been born yet, Ben said hotly, but Im no
dirty old man! What is your name anyway?
Myrtle.
How much were you sold for, Myrtle?
Fifteen pieces of silver. They said I was beautiful, but thats all
a woman was worth.
How far away does your mother live?
Just a little ways from here, in Damascus.
So you could walk home if I bought you back, couldnt you,
Myrtle? Ben asked, kindly.

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But it would be a disgrace to be exiled from this holy place!

Her eyes widened in shock.
I will take full responsibility, Myrtle, and explain to the priest
that your mother is all alone and needs you. Here, take these
twenty pieces of silver and go home to her right away. I will pay
the temple officials the amount they paid for you.
Myrtle fell at Bens feet to worship him. You are a holy angel,
sir!
Hardly, Ben sighed. If only you knew. Now take the money
and hurry home before anyone sees you.
$$$$$$
Sam sank deeply into the satiny softness of his own perfumed
divan, behind rose-tinted curtains. He was with an older woman
who placed honeyed dates in his mouth, punctuated by kisses. I
mustnt he murmured. Delicate harp music wafted through the
scented air.
You have been too long without love, the sultry siren lying
beside him whispered. I shall show you the way to ecstasy, to bliss
beyond compare
$$$$$$
As Sam wondered what to do, Ben sat glumly in the lobby,
wondering that women could be exploited so callously for so many
thousands of years. But wasnt he adept at spiritually seducing
widows for their mites?
$$$$$$
You are a little eccentric, and very shy, Sams partner purred.
Sams practical side made him consider that the temple
priestesses probably werent getting regular health check-ups. Hed
better be very careful, even if he was only dreaming.
I cant go through with it, Sam sighed.
Why? Dont you want me? The womans eyes were round with
dismay.
Im not like other men, Sam said. Ive been exposed to
carbon emissions, aerosol propellants, DDT, weird food additives, all
kinds of other convoluted chemicals that havent even
been
invented yet. Why should I contaminate your gene pool? What if
you had a child by me and it got asthma or some nut allergy to pass
on to its posterity?
You are talking out of your head, the woman said, softly
touching Sams arm. But everybody who comes into this temple is

89

a bit batty. But youre so lonely, and I want to make things all
better
When Sam found Ben later, he asked him if hed had any
success.
I did the right thing for a change, Ben said. She was just a
kid. I gave her some money and told her to go home to mama. Ill
pay the priest her ransom fee next time I see him.
At heart, youre a decent guy, Ben Buck, but you cant let
people suspect that in our meetings, Sam said.
Did you.ah Ben wanted to know.
Sam got a coy look on his face. Ill never tell. I dont kiss
and confess.
At that moment Magus showed up. Mission accomplished.
Philo finally got his spell right, and Im confident his enemys barley
crop will get gobbled up by grasshoppers.
Ben frowned. One minor problem, Magus. If one farmers
food gets gobbled up by locusts, chances are, everybody elses will
be too, and the whole region might go into a big famine and starve.
Not us, Magus chortled. I was just chin-wagging with
Proconsul Flavius Justus, an old acquaintance of mine. My fame has
been noised abroad even to Rome. We, my good friends, have been
personally invited by the Emperor himself to set up shop in Rome,
and appear at court functions to entertain Emperor Claudius and his
guests. Flavius told me we are to return in peace to Samaria to
wrap up our affairs there, after which we will join a caravan bound
for the Port of Joppa, from which we will embark on the Styx, a
luxury liner sailing for Rome.
Sam smiled. I always did want to see Rome, and now, heres
my chance.
Did you fellows enjoy your initiation? Magus asked,
eyebrows raised.
Best initiation we ever had, Sam said. Even better than the
hell week Phi Kappa Nu put me through in my frat days.
Magus grinned. Very good.
A grumpy-looking priest came along, demanding to know
where Myrtle had disappeared to.
Ben confessed that hed sent her home on compassionate
grounds, because her mother was feeling poorly and needed her
only child to be with her.
The priest almost slugged Ben, but remembered he was
Magus disciple. His anger dissolved into a broad smile when Ben
offered the priest double the amount hed paid for her.
Thirty pieces of silver for a mere woman, he cackled. That
will get me two more girls, probably even prettier. I forgive you,
Ben.
Magus looked miffed but bit his tongue. My friend Ben is
generous to a fault, and tender-hearted too.

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When Simon gave Ben the silent treatment leaving the

temple, Ben said, Slow down, Magus, and talk to me. Look, I dont
need that kind of initiation. Im no virgin. Ive been married for
half an eternity to Miranda. Whats the big deal anyhow?
You deceived me, Magus huffed. How do I know I can trust
you anymore, Ben?
Its just thatthe relationship between men and women is
more equal where I come from, and its hard to betray Miranda
even in my dreams, Ben said. Im sorry for making you mad,
Magus.
Very well, Ben, but if you are to remain with me, I shall
demand a substitute initiation, something even harder than the one
you failed to accomplish. I shall stage a debate with some follower
of the sect of the Nazarene, and you must win that debate.
Magus, Im no match for Jewish followers of Jesus who know
their Bible inside out, Ben argued. Why dont you do the debate,
and I can arrange for you to debate the daddy of all disciples, none
other than Simon Peter? Why dont I serve as the moderator?
Very good idea. Magus got a sinister grin on his face. Were
heading south again tomorrow.
Rumor has it that Peter is
circulating round the Samaria district. You go to him and tell him
we need to clear the air about a few things in a public debate, and it
will be held in the interest of educating the general populace about
matters of doctrine and faith.
Will do, Ben said.
Sam was feeling left out. Can I help? he asked.
Yeah, Sam, who do you think is gonna drum up the crowds
for the forum? And you can be in charge of security, and all those
humdrum details I dont want to be bothered with.
Sam grinned. I guess itll be even easier to drum up
business if people hear were about to leave for Rome
Shhh! Magus warned. Rome has many implacable enemies
in Samaria, and they would fry us all over a hot bed of coals if they
even suspected we were chummy with the Romanswhich we
arent, necessarily. But everybodys money is the same color, isnt
it?
Okay, Sam said. After we teleport back to Samaria, Ben can
arrange the debate. Once we figure out the exact date, Ill get our
slaves busy churning out parchment flyers for the meeting. Too bad
laser printers havent been invented yet, but thats life in the big
city.
I really do like you two, Magus said. So what if youre
repressed in the area of romance? Rome will cure you of that quite
quickly once were there.
$$$$$$

91

Ben made inquiries, and as fate would have it, Simon Peter and a
few Christian disciples were going through Samaria, preaching the
true Word of God. Ben swallowed a lump in his throat. Hopefully,
the Big Fisherman wouldnt still be mad at him for giving Judas that
joint.
Lounging in a curtained litter, Ben was borne with great pomp
through the streets, attended by his personal bodyguard and slaves.
Soon he found himself at the door of a humble tinsmith, Esdras.
Ben traced the Sign of the Fish in the sand of the dooryard. Esdras
nodded and let him in.
My name is Ben Buck, he said. Im a stranger in these
parts.
The old man was not so easily fooled. You speak with an odd
accent, and you are clean-shaven like the Romans, he said. But
you are hardly a stranger. You are garbed in the vestments of the
Tanaim, a heathen cult. A number of us have spotted you in the
company of Simon Magus, the sorcerer. Are you willing to learn the
truth, my son?
This could be an open door. Yes, sir, I am. There is so much
confusion about the clear meaning of Scripture, and too many
flawed interpretations of it.
Youve come to the right place, then. Welcome. My name is
Esdras. Im a disciple of Philip the evangelist. At present I am
entertaining Peter as my house guest. Peter is presently resting
from his travels. If you would like, I could see if he is ready to
receive a visitor, so he could discuss the Faith with you. Your
servants may also come in and rest.
Within moments a huge, brawny man came down from the guest
chamber on the roof and entered the single room which comprised
the ground floor of Esdras humble abode.
Peter was a bit grayer around the temples now, and his face was
lined with care. His thick hair was rumpled from napping, and his
eyes were bleary. But he still looked like a strong force to be
reckoned with. Oh, I remember you! he said bluntly. Were you
not with Judas when the five thousand were fed?
Ben nodded. Peter, I realize weve had our differences, but I
need to ask a favor of you, because there are so many folks who
need to be able to tell the true from the false. I am acquainted with
Simon Magus the magician. In these parts, there has been much
general confusion about what constitutes valid doctrine. I thought it
would help clarify matters for many lost souls if you would take
Simon on in a debate. Before you say no, would you at least pray
about it?
Peter snorted. Simon Magus got baptized along with many
other Samaritans. But thus far hes made a mockery of following
Christ. Simon still practices sorcery, thinking he can live just like he
pleases and still be a believer. Im not doing this for you, Ben,

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because you ought to know better. I failed My Lord before by acting

ashamed of knowing Him. But if even one soul could be saved by
showing Simon up for the charlatan he truly is, it will be well worth
it. I have all of tomorrow free. Tell Simon to meet me at the forum
at about the ninth hour. That will give me time to pray for
guidance, so I will be given the wisdom to know how to answer
him.
Thank you, Peter, but I had hoped the debate could be held in
two or three days, to give us time to prepare parchment flyers to
pass around in the city.
The Big Fishermans eyes narrowed. Take it or leave it!
Besides, you need not waste time and money on ads. Most folks are
illiterate anyway, and word of mouth works best around here. But
you would be wise to repent and forsake that heathen group youre
in! The Lord is not mocked.
Ben was jubilant. He took a hurried leave of Peter and reported
back to Simon Magus, who listened to Ben tell him all that Simon
Peter had said.
The arrogance of that man! Magus snorted. He usurped
control of the situation from you, Ben, by dictating the time the
debate is to be held. Youre the one garbed in silks and attended by
servants! That simply will not do, Ben! You really must be more
assertive if youre to continue in our craft.
But Magus, the miracle is he even agreed to do the debate at
all, because Im not on very good terms with him. We encountered
Peter on our last drug odyssey, and he got mad at me for sharing
my pot with Judas. Even if I do look like a million bucks now, it still
took a lot of guts to go talk with him.
Did Peter make any disparaging remarks about me? Magus
demanded.
Yeah. He said he would prove to everybody that youre a
charlatan. But youre no charlatan, Magus. Ever since weve hung
out with you, Sams sinuses have been clear.
Magus eyes flashed. We shall see whos a charlatan! Sam,
gather my slaves and have them spread the word: Tomorrow, at the
ninth hour, Magus the Magnificent will snare the Big Fisherman in
his own net!
$$$$$$
Magus PR men had done their work well. Spectators poured into
the vast plaza of the colonnaded forum. Many people were hungry.
They hung about the booths where charcoal braziers roasted
mutton legs, sausages on a stick, or meat pastries wrapped in vine
leaves. Other booths peddled fried pastries and sticky sweetmeats.
The air was supercharged with spicy smells and supernatural
excitement.

93

Money-hungry vendors, who had agreed to share the profits

with Magus, took advantage of the occasion by hawking souvenirs.
Get your genuine Samsons jawbone of an ass for fifty assarions!
one man cried. Made of genuine ivory!
Get your sackcloth money pouch with real mustard seeds
sprouting in it! another cried. Only forty farthings!
Get a Davids slingshot kit for the kids! Porcelain pebbles and
goatskin shepherds bag included! Only one denarius for a Davids
slingshot kit!
Dead Sea Salt Shakers over here! an old lady cried. Seven
sesterces apiece!
One pitch made Simon Peters stomach turn, as he stood silently
on the portico of the forum: Get your Miracle Eyes Prayer Rug
here for only sixteen sesterces! Hand-crafted of fine linen! Look into
eyes of love that long to help you and answer your prayer!
A Roman officer walked over to one of the vendors and hissed,
Magus might be a Roman citizen, but you better watch your step,
buddy! Youre in arrears for the rent on this space, and you owe us
fifty denarii for last months tax bill!
But my Aunt Martha got sick, the little man squeaked. She
needed medicine.
What is that to us! the Roman barked. Report to Chief Tribute
Agent Brutus Horribilus by tomorrow morning at nine a.m. sharp, or
youll feel the sharp edge of my sword!
The sharp blast of a trumpet, then the crowd grew silent. Sam,
resplendent in his coat of many colors and pointy cap, raised his
hands for attention. Welcome to all who have come to witness
todays historic debate between two spiritual icons. First we present
Magus the Magnificent, whose reputation for fine scholarship in
Middle Eastern mysticism and wondrous wizardry is unequalled
anywhere in the civilized world!
Thunderous applause, and cries of wild adoration. Magus doffed
his hat to the crowd, lest it drop off his head and make him appear
ridiculous. He grinned and blew a kiss to the audience. Peter
scowled and shook his head.
Sam smiled and looked at Peter. And last, but not least, we
present our guest speaker Simon Peter, renowned apostle to Jewish
believers in Christ everywhere, and a deeply respected expounder
of the Word of God!
Sprinkled applause, mingled with restless murmurs and a few
boos.
Ben was presented by Sam as the moderator of the debate. Ben
hollered through a homemade megaphone and explained that
debating was done through a moderator in his own far-off land, to
prevent violence and keep the course of the discussion rational and
civilized. And no, the loser of the debate wouldnt be stoned, but
would instead be given a complimentary eulogy from the moderator

94

before the winner was presented with his prize of a diadem of

golden laurel leaves.
We teach self-esteem here, Ben declared. And you dont
encourage people to make progress in their chosen vocation by
casting stones at them for their failures!
A chorus of disappointed boos. Unless the crowd took it upon
themselves to punish the loser, no blood would be shed at todays
exciting spectacle.
Naturally, I must make my point first, Magus told Ben, giving
him a warning look and practically shoving him out of the pulpit set
up at Sams suggestion.
But Magus, Ben protested, I thought wed already set an
agenda of topics
I changed my mind, Ben! Just go sit down and watch how a
debate is properly done! If there should be any awkward lulls, you
can fill them in, but mind you, what you say had better be favorable
to me! Im the one who keeps the Roman wolf away from our door,
so remember that! Magus hissed.
Magus picked up the megaphone and announced, without
hesitation: We shall begin, Peter and I, by discussing the topic of
humility, and how it can easily be confused with a sense of
worthlessness which destroys the soul of a man! Peter, we would all
like to hear your own opinion of humility. What is humility, exactly,
and why should a man seek such an alleged virtue?
Peter took the megaphone from Magus hand and said boldly:
Humility is strength restrained until Gods wisdom directs it to
accomplish Gods will in Gods own way and in His own time. My
friends, the meek are not weak worms, as many suppose. I bear
on my back the marks of many lashes. I have often gone hungry
and I have been hounded from place to place by implacable
enemies of the Cross of Christ, for Whom I am an ambassador.
Some would say that only the scum of the earth would ever be
treated so evilly, and if I were worthy of respect as a child of God I
would be wearing a kings vesture instead of a ragged robe and
ripped sandals. But God looks upon the heart, not upon the
outward appearance, as men do. The battle for mens souls is still
raging, as it will for a very long time, but our Lord has already
proclaimed Himself Victor. And as for my humble appearance, I still
strive on the battlefield of this earth, and it is not yet time for fine
silks and thrones of gold.
And yet I carry within my heart that precious gold tried in the
fire, the only gold that can be carried with me after I depart to be
with Christ. Humility is a garment of honor, not an admission of
defeat. Humility helps us to attain to the grace of God, Who freely
bestows His loving favor upon all who are united to Christ through
faith in His shed blood.

95

Jesus said that we must all become as little children in order to

enter the Kingdom of God. I once was a noisy braggart, as many
men are. I once boasted that even after everyone else deserted the
Lord Jesus, I would never fail Him nor forsake Him. But it was I
who denied three times that I knew Jesus, even as He was being led
away by His enemies, those deceitful false religious leaders who
were in league with Rome for their own benefit.
Magus fidgeted in his chair, seething and drumming his fingers
in suppressed rage.
But now, Peter proclaimed, I know I am nothing, and Jesus is
everything. Apart from the wondrous power of Christ working
within me, I would lack the boldness to stand before you today and
say that His gentleness is my only greatness, and my weakness
gives Him ample space to prove His strength through me. But
beware, he added with a glance toward Magus, I am capable of
righteous indignation when it is roused within me by slanders upon
the Blessed Name of Christ. I judge not men, but the lies they tell,
and it is in that hour when evil shows its brazen face to seduce men
into hell that my meekness brandishes the Sword of Truth in
warfare with principalities of darkness masquerading as light.
Times up! Magus snapped. Go sit down! He snatched the tin
megaphone away from Peter and began his own dissertation on
meekness.
You call that humility? Magus said. Boasting of gold that no
one here can see? My worthy opponent is the one deceiving himself.
Just look at me, my friends. I am arrayed in gorgeous silks
imported from the Far East, and my ornaments are all of pure gold
set with rubies and diamonds. Some would say this is a sign of
pride, not humility. But I wear these marks of success for your
sakes, not for my own, my dear friends. I want your eyes to have
the pleasure of feasting upon the glory of dreams which have been
realized after many years of self-discipline, diligent study, and
devotion to my craft. I am a walking picture to teach you to believe
in the magic of the mysterious powers latent within you. What man
is going to get far if he doesnt even believe he has the power to
take that first step toward the prize set before him? The power to
achieve success comes from within, from the life force garnered
through a thousand incarnations. Each time you live and die, you
have learned and accumulated wisdom through thousands of
lessons, which only increase the strength stored within the treasure
house of your soul The steps you climb in this life will elevate you
to a higher level next time you are reincarnated. Peter, here,
teaches that he knows he is nothing, and Someone Else must fill in
for his deficiencies. That, my friends, is not true humility. That is
self-abasement of the most destructive sort! Any man who says he
is nothing is little better than a worm!

96

Peter could stand it no longer. So my humility doesnt achieve

much, does it? Shall we each put our beliefs to the test?
I agree, Magus said. I shall even let you choose the
contest.
There are a number of sick folks here, Peter said. Paralytics,
blind people, deaf people, demon-possessed people. Let them all
come forth and stand in a line before me.
The sick were summarily called up for healing. Peter proclaimed
the healing power of the Risen Christ, and told them that they must
either accept their healing in Jesus name and give Him all the
glory, or they would not be healed at all. Those willing to hear the
Word of God and accept a touch from the Masters hand rimmed the
stage in a healing line three or four deep. Peter descended the
steps, praying unashamedly aloud for Jesus to be glorified in what
was to be done. Peter walked past the many hundreds of sick folks,
and as he did, it took nothing more than his shadow to serve as the
point of contact to unleash the mighty power of God.
Cries of I am healed! Glory to God! rose up. People who were
convinced by the miracles and wished to follow Christ were greeted
by companions of Peter, who gave them further counseling on how
to enter into eternal life through faith in Him.
I can heal too! Magus called above the uproar. His disciples
hurried to fetch his specially appointed stooges, who feigned
madness or demonic possession. One man who was made up to
appear diseased in his skin came onstage and knelt before Magus.
He kissed Magus ringed hand and begged to be made whole, as the
crowd held its collective breath.
Magus violently shook the leprous man and passed his hands
over his face, arms and body. Flakes of dried colored clay dropped
off the man.
Even sickness and disease must depart at my command!
Magus shouted. This man had leprosy, but now he is every whit
whole! He is a living, breathing testimony to the power of Magus
the Magnificent!
And here we have a man possessed by a bunch of devils!
Magus stood staring down at a man who rolled around, foaming at
the mouth and making grunting sounds.
Proud to be the center of attention, Magus started delivering
the stooge of his demons. The first to be named was a demon of
gluttony.
Throw that mutton leg down right this minute! he commanded
the man. You are no longer a mutton glutton! You are in control
of your carbs. Hallelujah! I see that beer gut demon coming out
right now!
A burping dwarf clad head to toe in a black leotard seemed to
emerge out of the mutton muncher. He was so wide he looked like
hed vacuumed up King Herods kitchen scraps. Magus shooed the

97

tiny actor away and he ran off the stage into the wings, shrieking at
the top of his lungs.
Many other demons were cast out by Magus, among them low
self esteem, nail-biting, hair-pulling, twitching, bad inlaws, and bad
luck of every sort.
Magus called up anyone suffering from depression. He handed
each of them a reefer to smoke. They all cried out in ecstasy and
said their worries were over. Other people out in the audience
begged Magus for one too.
Cast your ballot for Simon Magus! his disciples called. Every
vote for Magus gets a free reefer to soothe all your worries away!
Magus basked in the praise of men, then addressed an old
grievance. Before we continue our debate, I would like to say that
the truly humble man does not deal with others in an attitude of
snobbery. Several months back, I approached Peter with a very
generous proposition to purchase a position as an apostle in his
church. Here everyone saw me delivering demoniacs and sick folks,
but what thanks did I get for it from Peter except he told me I have
no part in the ministry of his church? Peter should have counted it
an honor to avail himself of my services. And he should have
esteemed others better than himself, which he failed to do when he
rejected me!
Thats a lie! Peter shouted. And as for that leper you healed,
God is not mocked!
The stooge who had shed his homemade shingles immediately
broke out into real sores. He ran to Peter, sobbing out for mercy,
and promising to get on the straight and narrow if he were healed.
Peter healed him with a short prayer, then led him in a prayer of
repentance, after which the man joined Peters band of disciples.
Magus was enraged. Look! he cried. I can fly! Can you fly,
Peter? Magus shut his eyes tight, muttered some mumbo jumbo,
and teleported himself up to the rafters.
It is a trick! some man shouted. He is supported by wires!
Wires havent been invented yet, stupid! his buddy said.
Go, Magus! Go Go! Go! his supporters chanted, hoping for the
free reefer.
Magus flew over Peters head. Peter prayed, and Magus tumbled
into the dirt.
Magus suffered only a few bruises, but it hurt even worse to
hear the crowd laughing.
Sam hastened onstage with one of his Kazukis. Look here! he
shouted. Magus gave me this! I can make music emerge from this
tiny amulet!
Is there a battery in it? Ben loudly whispered, from the wings
of the stage.
Sam checked the battery slot of the brand new device. No,
give me one that works. Thanks, Ben.

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Sam scrolled down to Highway to Hell.

The music blared full blast. Peter didnt hang around for the
voting. He got disgusted and said as he departed the carnival
scene, I dont want your corrupt crown of gold! I already got the
prize I came here for: souls saved from hell!
Magus told everyone that the battle for truth was a tough
battle, and if you took a tumble when you tried to fly, the remedy
was to spread your wings and try once more. Furthermore, he told
his listeners that the leprosy sufferer had been an infiltrator who got
struck down for betraying Magus and the Tanaim Cult. So it was
really good riddance, and Peter was welcome to that unstable soul.
As the Kazuki played on, Magus, Ben and Sam gyrated and
whooped it up onstage, to the wild cheers of the spectators. Once
again, the money buckets overflowed.
$$$$$$
I think well just start our own congregation in Rome, Magus told
Ben and Sam. What should be its name?
The First Church of Smoke and Mirrors, Ben suggested.
An excellent idea! Magus clapped Ben on the back. Sam can
run our finance committee, and you can do my warm-up routine, as
usual.
So Magus, Ben and Sam, along with their most loyal followers,
traveled with the caravan going to Joppa. As they entered the city,
they encountered Simon Peter, his wife, and several disciples. They
had just traveled to Joppa to visit Peters friend Simon the Tanner.
Peter looked angry. You two made a show of fake miracles
when you sojourned in Samaria! I warn you here and now: If you
dont return to the True Faith, you shall perish!
Peter, Sam said coolly, youre staring at the future of the
church. The gospel of poverty and suffering you preach will be out
of fashion in two thousand years time.
Eternity shall endure forever once time is no more, Peter
replied. In eternity, I and my co-laborers shall rule and reign with
Christ. And God forbid that you represent what the church shall
become in the latter days. But truly, the Lord has already revealed
to me that in the latter days wicked men and deceivers shall grow
worse and worse, and they shall make merchandise of weak souls,
teaching them that gain is godliness, and deceiving the very elect if
possible. You, Ben and Sam, shall return to future times. But you
shall also meet with judgment.
$$$$$$
Still shaking from the uncanny encounter, Ben and Sam took
passage on the Styx with the rest of their cult. Everyone got settled

99

in their cabins. Ben lay back on his bunk, fighting the sea sickness
that was already starting to set in.
I thought this was a luxury liner, Ben moaned.
It is, Sam said. Theres only one leaky hole letting rain in our
cabin. And its falling on my bunk, not yours, so stop griping.
When this old bucket stops pitching, Ill get up and go pay the
poop deck a visit, Ben said.
Sam opened his bag and threw down a roll of bandages. Here,
use this. I brought some along to help filter our drinking water, too,
so we dont catch e-coli from it.
They havent invented that yet, Ben said, but watch out for
Montezumas Revenge. I dont think the chef on this old tub has
much of a fridge to keep the mutton in.
We could have just had Magus teleport us to Rome, Sam said.
The Roman Government is kinda finicky about how youre
supposed to obey its orders. If it wanted us sailing on this here
boat, what choice did we have, Sam?
Not much, I guess. Sam spotted a glitter of gold beneath the
collar of Bens striped tunic. Hey, whats that around your neck,
Ben?
Ben pulled out the end of the fabric. Oh, Magus gave me one of
his gold sashes. Said it would bring me good luck. But I tried it on
for a necktie this morning. Didnt go with this shirt, but I kept it on
underneath.
Sam grinned. Leave it to good ol Magus to come up with a
good faith gimmick! When we get home, well mass-produce Green
Manna Gold Cummerbunds for Christians who cough up the cash,
ha ha ha!
Televangelist chic, eh? Ben chortled. Yuck! My stomachs tied
up in knots! Talk about turbulence!
Before the two men could do much more moaning, bad weather
blew up out on the open sea. The vessel pitched and lurched with a
vengeance. Passengers fell from their bunks. Belongings dropped
from shelves. Howls of fear could be heard everywhere, even from
below Bens bunk.
Sounds like souls in hell, he said.
They sure are, Ben. What worse hell could there be than to be
chained to a galley oar, rowing round the clock, never getting a
bathroom break or a chance to catch a nap?
Sam, I feel like Jonah must have felt when he made the ship he
was on go through a storm. Peter did look cheesed off at us. You
dont think
No, Ben. Peters not into witchcraft. He wouldnt have put a
spell on us. If he dressed us down about being with Magus, he did it
out of brotherly love. But wed better try to fly off this bucket or
were dead meat!

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Lets get our future suits on, Ben, Sam suggested. I get the
feeling its time to go back to where we belong, and we want to look
like ourselves when we get there.
Good idea, Sam. It could be us Gods mad at, and He might
spare everybody else if we got off this boat. Only hope we dont
end up in some whales digestive tract. Ugh!
Ben and Sam struggled to put on their shirts, ties, and suits as
they floundered around in the bucking ship. They even found their
old shoes and socks.
I think weve lost a few pounds, Sam, Ben said proudly.
Weve lived off the fat of the land for a few months now, but were
skinnier, believe it or not! If Dr. Hacksaw could see us now!
Weve lived off barley buns, honey, wild game, fresh fruit and
wine instead of Twinkies, Freedom Fries, and chocolate shakes. We
dont look like rakes yet, but we still look
like a billion bucks!
Sam chortled.
At last they were ready. Sam grabbed his trusty briefcase. Ben
gave him Magus sash and told him to thread it through the handles
of his briefcase, and tie it around his waist, so his arms would be
freer for flying. Once that was done, the two men made their way
up the ladder and onto the storm-swept deck. To their surprise,
Magus met them there.
We must all depart or well perish! he cried. Ben and Sam,
why are you dressed in your old garb?
Were not supposed to join you in Rome, Ben said. We hear
the call of the future, and we must ride our gamma waves till we
reach the destiny which lies ahead of us.
What will be will be, Magus said with a resigned look on his
face. But could you please take me with you?
Lets go then! shouted Ben. Remember Sam, dreamers can
fly at will. Dont get scared. Dont look at the waters below you!
Well, Ill die anyway if I dont try, Sam gulped.
One more mighty lurch of the ship and all three flung themselves
overboard. Ben soared high overhead, Sam struggled to stay aloft,
and Magus fell into the foaming waves.
Sam! Ben shouted. Come on! Try harder! You can make
it!
$$$$$$
Dr. Drummond, a cardiologist called in by Dr. Hacksaw, bent over
Sam, struggling to jumpstart his heart. Dr. Drummond repeatedly
thrust his overlapping palms against Sams rib cage. You can
make it, Sam! Come on, Sam! the doctor shouted.
The digitalis is taking effect, doctor, the nurse practitioner said
calmly. Hes rallying now.

101

$$$$$$
At last the dreamer found his wings. Sam was nearly as high up in
the stormy sky as Ben. But Magus was just a tiny speck far below
them.
They spotted Magus and theyre pulling him back on board with
a rope, Sam said. Notice how calm the sea is now?
So it was us who started that storm, Sam said. Poor, mixedup Magus. I hope he didnt survive the storm only to end up in hell
someday.
Keep your eyes on the sun! Ben shouted. Faster, faster,
faster! Move your arms, Sam! Sail into the glory of the sun!
Highway to Hell blared through their brains, and the music
merged into kaleidoscope colors which sent the drug trippers
spinning through an undulating warpature of time and space.
I can feel the years passing! Ben cried. Were almost home,
Sam!

TRIP FIVE
BLASTED TO KINGDOM COME
Why cant we go straight home like I did the first two times? Ben
groaned, as he madly whirled through time and space. Why
havent the doctors brought us back yet?
How should I know? Sam yelled back. At least we arent
seasick! Im falling into a mushroom cloud! Oh, no! Were going to
hell! Hey, Ben, look down there!
Well, this time Dorothy sure aint goin back to Kansas! Ben
hollered.
Both men propelled themselves weightlessly through a pulsating
hell of deafening gun blasts, eerie shrieks, and cloudy phantoms
which hovered above and below them, mocking them as they yelled
for help. Far below them they could see a tall, handsome man in a
business suit. He stood beneath a fiery Roman arch, in what
appeared to be a town square. Vast plasma screens were positioned
in strategic areas, so everyone could see him clearly. A contingent
of armed guards stood at attention, rifles raised.
A solemn figure in gold-trimmed white vestments and a tall
miter faced a small shrine which displayed carved religious icons.
Puffs of grey smoke wafted from incense burning in the recess of
the white marble monument. The prelate lifted up a chalice and
chanted a mysterious blessing as the powerful voice of the
Antichrist boomed through a microphone. The False Prophet lifted
his hands and uttered a strong command. Immediately more

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blinding bursts of fire descended, to the wonder of his worshippers.

They fell on their faces before the mighty orator, who promised
them perpetual world peace in exchange for worship. In one voice
the people cried out: Let us kill those who will not worship the
Beast and His anointed prophet!
Amen! one after another cried.
Off with their heads! Off with their heads! came the angry,
vengeful voices, as swirls of sulphuric smoke from the great abyss
throbbed through the angry red sky. To their utter horror, Ben and
Sam watched unspeakable atrocities being carried out against
dissenters who refused to be microchipped and do homage to the
Beast and his False Prophet. How terrible their screams were!
Oh, no Ben groaned. Not there, please!
Ghostlike, Ben and Sam hovered over the podium where the
Beast was giving an oration in honor of himself. It looked like the
evil Man of Sin was reaching up to them to grab them out of the
sky. Then there was a burst of live ammunition. Ben and Sam
screamed.
$$$$$$
Dr. Loopy and Dr. Hacksaw were at their wits end as they kept
watch over their two patients. Theyre freaking out bad, Dr.
Hacksaw said. Ben thinks the Antichrist is firing scud missiles to
shoot him and Sam down to earth so he can hack off their heads.
Hes hyperventilating.
Just look how terrified both of them look.
Theyre making swimming motions with their arms and legs,
begging God not to let them land in the Tribulation. See how
dilated their pupils are?
If this trip gets any worse they might never come down from
it, Dr. Loopy replied.
And even if they do, Dr. Loopy, they could suffer permanent
brain damage and/or flashbacks for the rest of their lives.
All we can do is pray, Dr. Hacksaw. All we can do is pray.
$$$$$$
Oh, God! Sam cried.
Dont let us land in the Tribulation!
Concentrate, Ben, concentrate, and maybe well get home! Dont
let us slow down!
Ben and Sam did stay up in the air. Furiously they swam
through the hot haze high above the Antichrist. Ben and Sam felt
like theyd been seized by a fast and furious whirlpool and were no
longer in control of their destiny. They hurtled crazily through the
time warp, whirling through a spiral of colors and flashing lights
before they blacked out.

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Ben opened his eyes and blinked until everything stopped being
blurry. Lying on the ground next to Sams briefcase was Magus
golden sash. Oh, Sam, I dont see any explosions or fire anymore!
And just look at that sweet blue sky! Are we in heaven?
Id be surprised if we made it there, Sam said. I feel like an
elephant did the rumba on my head.
Well, we didnt land in the Tribulation, but we fell into
something stinky, Ben groaned.
Yuck! Horse****! Sam gagged. He and Ben rolled over and
over in the grass to get away from it. Sam noticed someone staring
at them. Hey, whore those kids looking down at us?
Ben saw them too, a boy and a girl who appeared to be about
six or seven. The girl had long brown braids. She wore a floral
dress with a pinafore. The boy wore denim play clothes. Both
carried wooden buckets full of blackberries.
No, I dont know those kids, Sam, Ben replied. At least they
arent the Antichrist. Hey, who are you guys, and where are we?
he asked them.
In Uncle Micahs horse pasture, the little boy said. Hello, sir.
Do you want some of my berries? He crammed a few blackberries
into his own mouth as the girl giggled.
Sure, why not? Ben said. Thanks. The child reached his
little hand into his bucket and gave some first to Ben, then Sam.
Praise God, theyre good! the boy said.
Ben and Sam ate a few and their eyes lit up. You bet they are!
Ben cried.
I wasnt much older than you when I picked
blackberries for the very last time. Wow! These are so juicy and
sweet, they melt in your mouth! Whats your name, son, and how
old are you anyway?
Caleb, he said simply. My sisters name is Gloriana. Im fifteen
and shes eighteen.
You gotta be jokin! Sam cried. But the little boy shook his head
solemnly. Then it dawned on Sam that perhaps theyd driven past
their exit on the time travel highway. Hesitantly he asked, Can you
tell me Who the King of the whole wide world is?
The little girl laughed in delight. Why, its Jesus! Hes the only
King we need. Why, dont you know Hes our king, mister? King
Jesus runs this whole planet, and everybody on it!
Both children smiled reverently in an attitude diametrically
opposite to Ben and Sams own bratty offspring. Ben got a wry
grin on his face. We arent home yet, Sam, and we might have
gotten dirty, but at least we didnt land in A.C.s lap, thank
heavens.
Theres the gold sash that goes with Aunt Eunices white dress,
Gloriana said. Why is it lying on top of your satchel, mister?

104

Iahjust borrowed it a minute to wipe off my dusty briefcase,

Sam said. Sorry about that. It was lying here in the grass. Hope
you dont mind.
It still looks clean, Gloriana said, taking it from Sams hand.
No harm done. Sir, are you sure youre feeling okay?
Im fine, Gloriana, I just got a bump right here. Sam pointed at
his forehead. I tripped on the road and hurt my head.
Mister, are you lost? Caleb asked, quite innocently.
Kind of, Sam said. Lost in inner space, youd call it.
Ben and Sam sat dazed on the ground for awhile, but they got
a good long look at their surroundings. Clear across the pasture
they could see sleek horses swishing their tails and nibbling lush
green grass dotted with vibrant violets and red poppies. The tips of
fragrant pine trees swayed gently in the balmy breeze. How sweetly
the birds chirped. Well, we sure dont smell smoke anymore, Ben
said. If it werent for landing in a dung heap, Id swear we must
have died and gone to heaven after all.
No, I dont think you fellows are quite dead, came a booming
voice from overhead.
Hey, that cant be God speaking to us? Sam shivered.
Youre wrong about that too, the voice said again, with a
friendly chuckle. A big muscular hand reached down and pulled
both men to their feet.
There stood the biggest man Sam or Ben had ever seen. He had
craggy features and appeared to be about 35. Although he was
probably much older, Sam surmised, based on the ages of the
children. The man was broad-shouldered and powerfully built, and
couldnt have been shorter than six foot seven. He sent the children
elsewhere and said, Im Micah Campbell. Who might you two be?
My name is Ben Buck, Mr. Campbell, and this is Sam Malone,
my colleague.
Micah stuck out his hand. Just call me Micah, Ben. How on
earth did you guys find yourselves planted in the middle of my
horse pasture? You look like youre inebriated, so Im just checking
you out, if you dont mind, seeing as I have to look after the wellbeing of our children.
If we tell you the truth, Micah, youll swear were either lying or
crazy, Ben said.
Try me, Micah said. Ive seen all sorts of things in my
lifetime. His steely eyes stared steadily at the men.
As best he could Ben began at the beginning and related the full
history of his series of drug trips, beginning with his visit to Father
Abraham.
Its really my fault, Micah, Sam sighed. I pulled a practical
joke on Ben which led to his first two trips. Only this time it
backfired on me too.

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Ben could tell from Micahs funny look that he could hardly
believe such a weird thing had landed the two men in the twentyfourth century. I can prove were men from the past, Micah. We
arent the fine physical specimens you are. In the book of Isaiah it
tells of people being healed easily and enjoying perfect health. I
had knee surgery done last year after I suffered a skiing accident.
Ben pulled up his pants leg.
Micah nodded when he saw the semi-circular scar. Yes, Im
sure you would have been healed immediately if youd lived in our
timewithout the trouble of going through surgery.
Although
rebellious sinners would be denied such blessings. I cant really
judge you fellows on the basis of a mere scar, but you are oddly
dressed, in period costumes. And, to be blunt, both of you are
bigger around the middle than me.
My personal trainer quit on me, Ben muttered.
These days, said Micah, people just dont store extra fat
unless they work hard at stuffing themselves. There used to be a
mechanism in human genes which triggered the body to make the
most of excess calories in case of impending famine. Thankfully,
thats been eradicated. Now we live in a world of abundance, and
even our bodies realize that if they ever get hungry, there will
always be fresh food available. Our bodies are programmed for
paradise, not for possible famine. So theres no need for human
bodies to store fat just in case. In our wonderful Paradise earth,
theres total freedom from the worry of scarcity.
That almost makes me wish we could stay here, Ben said.
Mirandas forever nagging me to go on some weird new diet.
Heres more proof were pre-Tribbers, Sam said. My hairline is
receding, and Ive had some bridgework done on my teeth too. He
stuck his finger in his mouth and pointed. You could run a thread
under that fake tooth. I could have had implants wired into my
jawbone instead, but I was too chicken to replace my missing molar
that way.
Not only dont you see much baldness anymore, but tooth decay
is a thing of the past too, Micah said. Our teeth are built to last,
because righteous people could live in their mortal bodies up to
1,000 years if the Lord so willed. And even if a tooth suffered injury
or was accidentally knocked out, the prayer of faith could bring
about its restoration. No longer are Gods children tried through
sickness and disease. We can pretty much eat whatever we like,
although we are responsible stewards of our bodies, and try not to
abuse them through excess or careless living.
Another difference between you and me, Micah added, is this:
Youre white guys like myself, but your complexion is sunburnt and
lined. At His coming, Christ Jesus restored the atmospheric water
vapor canopy which had burst open at the Flood of Noah. UV rays
no longer penetrate through to earth to cause wrinkling and

106

sunburn. Also, we age much more slowly than people of your time.
Micah pointed at his own profile, sharply chiselled but free of
blemishes and sun damage.
How old are you two, if Im not being too inquisitive?
Im 48 and Sam here, hes 52.
Micah laughed. Ive got a son who just turned 45, Ben. Wont
be long Lot will be enrolling in Specialized Aptitude Studies at his
youth academy. Once he finishes that five-year program, hell go
on a three-year orientation course which prepares him for twelve
years of university.
Ben counted on his fingers. Can you believe it! Youve got a
45-year old kid whos got twenty more years of schooling left. Wow!
Imagine being a schoolboy again at my age, Sam!
Well, you can take my word for it, Lots still a youngster, Micah
said.
Although he does notice girls now. Lot found a nice young
lady to take out for ice cream last week. Lots got several good
growing years left.
Remarkable! Sam exclaimed. Here you have two middle-aged
codgers almost ready for the scrap yard, and your kid hasnt even
cut his wisdom teeth yet!
YOURE the one whos remarkable! Micah exclaimed. Its
hard for me to believe you fellows are so young!
Ben reached in his jacket pocket. Heres more proof of my
identity, Micah. Heres my credit card and my state drivers license.
I got it renewed just two years before I left my own time. Its got
my date of birth on it too.
Hmm...Date of birth: June 12, 1962. And this license was
renewed in July, 2008, Micah said. Youre exactly 358 years old,
Ben. I guess you dont know the Lord changed the name of our
months and days of the week to get rid of the pagan influence.
What exactly is your livelihood, and where do you come from,
fellows?
Ben swallowed hard, but it wasnt easy to lie to this big farmer
with the piercing grey eyes. Sam and I are televangelists from the
city of El Dinero.
That area is called El Shaddai now, Micah said. And I heard
about the televangelists they had back in the twenty-first century,
just before the Tribulation. From what I gather, televangelists could
be a shifty bunch, the way they shook the shekels out of poor
widows.
Thats dollars, Micah, but as I said before, I do have my faults,
Ben said, hoping to skirt the issue. I guess my most fatal flaw was
Sam and I should have left the happy pills alone. Thats why were
here now. Those are great kids youve got here, Micah.
Theyre the children of Phanuel, my brother. He and his wife
flew out here to visit me and my family for a few days. Gloriana
wants to stay with me and her Aunt Eunice throughout the harvest

107

season so she can experience farm life and enjoy a nice long visit
with her cousins.
Id like to show my appreciation for those kids sharing their
blackberries with us, Sam said, unthinking. Here, Ive still got my
briefcase. Just before we left our own time, Id bought this stuff for
my son and his buddies who were going camping up in the
mountains.
Sam felt around the bottom of his satchel and fished out two
packets of the cherry bombs the Romans forgot to confiscate. He
also found two battery-operated toys. I would have given them
Kazuki music players, Micah, but Simon Magus pinched the last
ones we had left.
Sam showed Micah the cherry bombs. Just look at these little
babies, he winked. I grew up scaring birds out of trees with these
things. All your kids have to do is light the fuses and they can
blast bull frogs clear off their lily pads. And just look at this nifty
little game board. Sam activated its Won Ton Terror program. On
the tiny screen martial arts combatants kicked and swung at each
other, making war cries.
Micah was speechless. Sam turned his back to Micah for a
moment. He found a cigarette lighter and lit one of the little
bombs, then threw it halfway across the pasture before Micah could
stop him.
KA-BLAM! A couple of horses whinnied and bolted away.
Micah looked mad. One of those horses is about to foal! If she
miscarries, Ill hold you personally responsible! Its a good thing I
got here before you gave this stupid stuff to our children! Youve
got ten seconds to clear off my land before I call the law on you!
Ben thought fast. He and Sam couldnt afford any more
enemies, and both of them were hungry with nowhere to stay. Oh,
no, Micah, we didnt mean to foul up your foaling. Please forgive our
fox pass!
Thats faux pas, Ben, Sam said with an educated air.
Right, Sam, Ben huffed. Truth is, Micah, Kids play with that
stuff all the time where we come from. We forget we arent in the
same world. As a gesture of surrender, you can get rid of all our
WMD. We wont need it here.
It was like dj vu for Micah. Then dump all that junk out of
your bag right now! If youre gonna come home with me for
cookies and lemonade, you cant bring any Belial baggage with you!
What kind of kids do you think we raise around here! The very
idea, bombing Gods sweetly singing meadow larks out of their
nests and frightening friendly frogs! You fellows oughta hang your
heads in shame!
Reluctantly Sam obeyed. He couldnt barter with such things as
he carried in his briefcase anyway, so he opened it wide and
dumped its contents out on the green grass. Along with the scary

108

toys, ministry paraphernalia and flyers flew out. Sam picked one
up. Check this out, Micah. These are ads for our next crusade,
which would have been held if Sam and I hadnt gotten lost on the
Time Highway. And some of this other stuff is samples of love gifts
we sent out to our faith partners. Sam picked up a paperback
cookbook and opened it to the flyleaf. See? It gives the name of
our organization: Green Manna Ministries, and its address, e-mail
and phone numbers.
Sam turned to a picture in the middle. This is me and my wife
Rosie, and were sharing our recipe for catfish croquettes.
Micah shook his head. How much did folks have to pay to get
this collection of fine recipes?
We sent it free of charge, Micah, for a suggested donation of at
least five dollars. But if the viewer couldnt afford that much, wed
mail it to him anyway.
Well, thats mighty neighborly of you, Micah said, and I
suppose God can forgive most any sineven preacher greed, if its
properly repented of. Uhwhere was this book produced?
Overseas, Ben said. At least the work provided daily rice for
poverty-stricken third-world factory workers.
I guess nobody could have lived off the wages of that work in
your own world, Micah said, as if he understood perfectly.
And whats this thing? Micah almost laughed. He picked up a
contained a long piece of plastic encased in wrapping film, upon
which was inscribed a message.
A replica of a bone belonging to the prophet Elisha, Sam
muttered.
Micah almost choked on his guffaws. Lord, forgive me, he
cried. This really isnt funny. But what does that writing on that
plastic bone say?
Well, for starters, Micah, the bone is made of high-grade
polygon polymer, made to last a lifetime. It says: Buried faith can
be resurrected. We would send that one to donors of ten dollars or
more, to show our appreciation for taking a giant leap of faith.
Elisha is alive and well now, Micah said. He rules on the other
side of the planet. I believe he helps run the Samaria district, Im
not too sure. He might be piqued if he finds out you used his bones
as a faith gimmick, though. Better get rid of that, too. Its just
plum disgusting, the way you TV evangelists always paired up your
precious dollars with faith, as if our God dispenses His favors for a
price! For shame!
Ben and Sam grew quiet, then Sam timidly asked, Do you
happen to know where St. Peter is ruling, Micah?
You mean the Apostle Peter from the Bible?
Yeah.
He and the other apostles rule over the twelve tribes of Israel.
Actually, as a Tabernacle elder Im ashamed to say Im a little fuzzy

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about which tribe each apostle rules over. I might be wrong, but I
think Peter governs Issachar. There are descendants of Israelites
spread throughout the earth, though a great many are concentrated
in the literal Holy Land. And the Land of Israel is several times its
original size now. How else could it contain so many of Abrahams
descendants, who are so vast in number?
Micah smiled, adding, Peter does quite a bit of traveling round
Europe, I hear, and quite often he or some other great from the
past visits the saints in this part of the earth.
Sam looked worriedly at Ben, but was quiet.
Sam pointed to two packages on the ground. Oh, Micah, is it
okay if I keep those sinus capsules? Theyre not the bad junk that
got me and Ben high.
Micah picked up one of the packages and scrutinized it. Cant
even pronounce those ingredients. Interesting. This stuff just isnt
made anymore. Why would you need it anyway?
I get migraine headaches from pollen and air pollution, Sam
said. My nose runs like a faucet, and I can barely breathe
sometimes. Ive always been like that. It runs in my family. Pre-Trib
bodies were glued together with lots of coffee and convoluted
chemicals.
And dont forget prayer, Sam, Ben said unctuously.
You say you were televangelists back in the Old World? Micah
queried. Didnt you believe in divine healing?
Sure we did, Micah, Ben said. But old sluefoot hindered our
prayers. Remember how hard Daniel the prophet had to wrestle in
prayer before his answer reached him?
Yes, Daniel did have a pretty hard time of it, Ben. I imagine
hes full of jubilation that he doesnt have Old Scratch running
around loose in this big province. But people still struggle with their
sin nature, and a very few get in trouble with the law.
Daniel? You mean Daniel himself is ruling over this country?
Ben gasped.
Yes he is, in our particular province, and its a mighty big area.
Even during his lifetime he governed a huge empire comprised
primarily of Gentiles. Were a good piece from his beloved
Jerusalem, but Prince Daniel loves most of his subjects, and most of
us love him. So hes happy to serve the Lord here throughout the
duration of this Millennium.
What was the year again, Micah, and what do they call this
country now?
Were in the year 2320, and this is the province of Gan
Nesherim, which covers over a million square miles of this
continent. Were just outside of Joystar, which used to be called
Wanderstar. Prince Daniel rules over all of Gan Nesherim. Its
capital is Joystar. But Joystar, like all other cities, also has its own
Royal Mayor, ruled over by an immortal saint. Our mayor is called

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Lord Stephen. He is a martyr of the Church Age. A wonderful,

compassionate, caring man, now living forever in the perfection of
immortality.
And furthermore, our particular region of Gan
Nesherim has a governor serving directly under Prince Daniel. His
name is Governor Lucas. He was a physician during his lifetime,
and he likewise is filled with the wisdom of the Lord. If need be, I
could consult him to see what is to be done about your malady. If
you guys went to a Bible school, I guess you know that the Bible
teaches about the sin associated with pharmakaea, a Greek term
denoting drug abuse.
Oh yes, Ben said, that has been a major stumbling block for
us bothone we hope to overcome.
I guess youre glad old sluefoot is penned up for a thousand
years, Sam said, eager to change the subject. It sure would have
been great if hed been taken out during my lifetime. When I think
about the stupid wars that got started by birdbrain world leaders
fighting over a few barrels of oil, it makes my own sins look whiter
than white!
Micah looked agitated again. Thats proof conclusive youre
from another era and that you werent educated in our schools and
meeting houses! I was smaller than those children you met when I
was taught about how all sin, great and small, stinks in the nostrils
of God! And I was shown how terrible Gods remedy for sin was!
How can you fellows claim to be preachers of the Word and still
belittle sin and its consequences?
But we do believe sin is bad, Micah! Ben cried. Its just a
matter of perspective! Here you are talking about cherry bombs
and game boards, while Im fresh from a bloody world where
hundreds of thousands of innocent civilians got wiped off the map in
the name of regime change! And some of those who waged this war
of aggression passed themselves off as born-again believers! How
can anyone claim to love Jesus and carpet-bomb innocent people in
His Name, especially little children and women asleep in their own
beds? Its those ballot box butchers lying about being holy I just
cant stand. Ive sometimes acted like a crooked snake, but I never
claimed to be a divinely appointed hitman on humanity! Whos
more hopeless, Micah, the preacher who admits hes a basket case
or the power-crazy politician who spins away his sin and rides
shotgun over the earth to get the oil?
If those counterfeit Christians did all that, Micah said, you can
rest assured they arent among us now. But be that as it may, keep
your own accounts clear with God, Ben. Your neighbors sin cant
whitewash your own sin.
True, Micah, but even if we did bait old ladies mailboxes with
appeals for bread we didnt bomb their bedrooms for oil.
Micah raised his eyebrows. Bread?

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Thats an old-fashioned hippie term for money, Micah, Sam

said.
It just beggars belief, fellows, Micah said. Blood for oil. And
those who held that belief claimed to be saints of God. Its a
wonder God was so patient with them. So oil was the Baal idol
worshipped by world rulers of your day.
Amen to that! Sam said. In our day, oil was the god of the
rich multi-national kingpins who pulled the puppet strings of world
government. Puppet politicians were installed through rigged
elections and crooked voting machines. But they made a show of
allowing the democratic process to go on.
It was all just a
smokescreen to divert peoples attention from what the big boys
were REALLY up to. The best way their puppet politicians could
wheedle votes out of salt of the earth Christians was to claim to be
one themselves. You know, the caped crusader who tells the
populace that a higher power has decreed that a billion bombs be
dropped on a cluster of tents out in the desert. And it mattered not
if the other country never had designs on attacking your own. Their
unforgivable sin was YOUR oil happened to be trapped beneath their
sands and you had to blast their dusty red earth to bits to get at
it.
You arent exaggerating how bad it was back then, Micah
lamented. War was the greatest tragedy of the Old World. Man
was forever at war with his neighbor, but primarily at war with His
Creator and with the Savior Who would have redeemed him from
the filthiness of his ways.
Maybe you guys should go talk with Lord Stephen, ruler of our
city. He could help you find your way back to the true God, that
Holy One Who made even the fiercest beasts of the earth to be at
peace with each other. Im an elder at Glory Light Tabernacle, but
sending time travelers home is outside my bailiwick. But wouldnt
it be weird, he muttered, if you went to town and ran into your
future self, transformed into immortality at the Rapture? But what
if youre not even here? Micah was struck by the implications of his
own words.
Thats why I hope this is just a dream, Micah, Ben said. The
very idea of time traveljust the notion that the old you could run
into the future you. And, as you said, what would happen to me and
Sam if we arent already on this planet or in heaven in some form?
Micah made a thumbs down motion. Youd better be here,
Ben. I sure do hope youre here above ground!
A chilling fear crept over Ben and Sam. Dont scare me like
that, Micah! Ben gasped.
Out of the blue Micah asked, When was the last time you
fellows prayed heart to heart to the Savior? I mean, really prayed.
Well, Ben hemmed and hawed, we sure were praying like
crazy when we flew over that Antichrist scene.

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Im basically an introvert, Sam said. I get in these moods

where I just clam up and wont hardly talk to nobody, and
sometimes the Lord is lucky to get two words out of me in a day.
Its not that Sam doesnt love the Lord, Ben said, its just that
hes a little anti-social.
Now Im not one to swallow a tall tale, Micah said. But every
outward sign shows youre from the Church Age. This is the
Kingdom Age. Sure, lifes been more of a fight for you than me so
far, because your adversary satan was on the prowl doing his dirty
work. Most likely you two suffered through illnesses and vexations
that no righteous person would ever have to endure in this Glory
Age. But Church Age saints qualified to be in the Bride of Christ,
and they were appointed to be caught up to meet Christ in the air.
Then the Marriage Supper of the Lamb took place, while my
ancestors suffered through unimaginable hell on earth, Micah
choked.
Were awful sorry about that, Sam said. I hope Antichrist
finally got his comeuppance, too! He punched his fist. Nasty old
sluefoot!
Its a comfort to us all, fellows, just knowing the Beast and
False Prophet are already frying in the big stew pot of fire created
for the devil and his fallen angels. But wont it be even more
wonderful when at the end of this Millennium, old Lucifer gets his
licks too!
Hes sitting on Gods death row, according to that prophecy
chart I studied, Ben said.
Yeah, Micah grinned, ruminating on the day hell finally fry
for his sins too. But back to my other point: While my godly
Tribulation ancestors suffered awful hell on earth, the raptured
believers of the Church Age were rejoicing in their Heavenly Bridal
Chamber, united spiritually to their Bridegroom the Lord Jesus
Christ, and forever sealed in sinless perfection. We live in a far
better world than you knew, Ben and Sam, but we also have to
contend every day with our Adamic sin nature. Even without satan
around to stir it up, it can still pose a problem for us.
Micah continued: After the heavenly wedding celebration, Christ
brought His Bride the Church, without spot or wrinkle, back here to
rule over this planet for a thousand years. With them came their
wedding guests, the likes of John the Baptist, the Prophet Elijah,
Enoch, and myriads of other saints of the Old Testament. Even
Adam and Eve, the first human transgressors, are among the
redeemed. What an awesome privilege you guys had! Sure, me
and my family dwell in a devil-free zone, Gods glorious Paradise
Earth, but were mortals who still get tempted to sin, and while we
love our Lord greatly, we will never be part of the Church, the Bride
of Christ. If you go back to your own time, dont squander this
precious opportunity me and my family will never have! What

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greater sin could you commit, Ben and Sam, than to lightly esteem
such a tremendously high calling?
Sam thought fast. It was part of our high calling, Micah, to
encourage folks far and wide not to settle for being, and having,
less than the very best the good Lord could give them. Ben and I,
wed tell some poor raggedy folks: Youre special. Youre children
of the Great King. Dont live below your privileges.
But evidently you did, Sam, or you and Ben wouldnt have been
seeking your thrills in pills. Tell you what, if you want your
medication back, youll have to leave, because I want nothing on
my land that could tempt our children. Even the older ones might
be fascinated by those funny capsules you take. But if you want to
come back to the house with me, hand em over and well give you
something much better for what ails you, Sam.
Ben looked at Sam. Sam, Ive always told you its high time
you got off that hydrolized, chloridized junk. Every sniffle or drip,
you knock em down your neck like candy. Well be home soon
anyway. Just fork em over to Micah.
Thats easy for you to say, Ben, Sam moaned. Your sinuses
arent a festering swamp like mine. But okay, since you promise
well be home soon
Good for you, boys, Micah said. That goes for your love gifts
too. If youre really serious about repenting of your wicked ways,
just hand your lucrative love gifts and war toys over.
How odd,
youre from the Church Age, and I live in the Millennial Kingdom
Age. How is it that youve stumbled into my dispensation to get
spiritual help? Wasnt it available back in your own time?
So you think we came here to get help? Ben looked at Micah
quizzically.
Why else would the Lord permit such a rare thing? Micah
mused.
But were only dreaming, Sam insisted. Wont be long, the
doctors will bring us back to good old 2010.
All I know is, Im not dreaming, Micah said. Im standing here
in my own horse pasture, and thats my van out there by the road.
And if you would only offer up a prayer to the Lord, Sam, Im sure
Hed heal you of whatever ailed you.
I did struggle in prayer, Micah, Sam said. But in my time, it
was much harder to see miracles happen. I read somewhere in
Isaiah that in your day, prayers would be answered before people
finished praying them.
As you said, you had Old Scratch to contend with in your day,
Micah said. And in the mystery of Gods will, sometimes hard trials
of faith were permitted in the lives of His saints. My own ancestors,
Vernon and Molly, barely made it through the Tribulation, but God
allowed them to survive so I could stand here and tell you about
how great He is. Thank God for the holy restfulness of the world we

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live in now. This thousand-year period of peace is the Earths

blessed Sabbath Millennial rest period, the final thousand-year day
before time is no more and the Eternal Kingdom is ushered in, and
that endless era will be populated only by immortal, sinless saints.
Before that happens, the Great White Throne Judgment will be held
to try lost sinners bound for eternal hell with old Lucifer. Im just
thankful that old serpent isnt here to make my life miserable.
Ben said, very thoughtfully, True, Micah, both Church Agers and
Kingdom Agers swam in the same glorious River of Life. But I guess
you could say, the Church Agers won their blessings by struggling
upstream against a tide of old sluefoots opposition while you
Kingdom Agers are gently carried along in a more restful stream
toward your blessings.
The Lord has always given rest unto His people, in good times
and bad, Micah said. But I guess it did feel like a struggle
sometimes, in those days of spiritual warfare against principalities
and powers which resisted your walk of faith. You were a man of
faith, werent you, Ben? Pardon my asking, but are you sure you
were genuinely born again? It is possible to be religious without
being converted. Even old Antichrist was a religious con.
Ben tried not to look irked. I was converted at the age of
seven.
And I got saved when I was twelve, Sam said.
Barely more than toddlers, Micah grinned.
Ben cackled. You mean to say, your kids stay in diapers till
theyre about five? The girl did claim to be eighteen years old, but
she appeared to be only about seven in our years.
Micah chuckled. Oh, for sure kids are generally out of diapers at
least by four, but the prime of a persons childhood has been
lengthened by many years while the prime of adulthood has been
greatly lengthened by many centuries. The joys of childhood play
continues for some time, but all the while each child takes time to
learn and develop intellectually and spiritually, by reading and
hearing Gods Word, and by participating in wholesome devotional
activities. My daughter Angela just turned forty and she coaches
other young people in our Tabernacle Childrens Choir.
Ben coughed. Youre so deeply spiritual I could swear you were
real, Micah, because how could I fabricate a dream like you out of
my own spiritually-challenged subconscious? And I really do like
you a whole lot. But Im a bit selfish, like so many televangelists
were. As awesome as you are, Im selfish enough to hope youre
nothing but a dream.
Aw, Im not so awesome, Micah said humbly. The grace of
God is the raw material Im made of, pure and simple. And if you
hope Im not real just because youre afraid of being stuck here, at
least youre honest about that much. Id like to try and help you
guys. So go ahead and put your personal necessities back into your

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bag, but well have to destroy anything thats of the devil. Ohyou
didnt bring any extra dope with you, did you?
Sam and Ben looked at each other and shook their heads.
Nothing to be found in that briefcase but those cold caps, Micah,
Sam said. They said nothing about the pot theyd grown and sold
back in the days of the Magnificent Magus.
Micah had a funny feeling, though. One other thing, Ben and
Sam, you didnt get into any trouble when you associated with
Simon Magus, did you? I have every reason to believe he didnt
make it in the Resurrection of the Just.
Ben and Sam shook their heads. Ben said apologetically, We
werent always perfect in our ways, Micah, but we truly are sorry for
any mistakes that were made when we visited Magus. We did get
into some bad theology, but were back on the straight and narrow
now. Magus was a pretty weird guy, and he got some of his
doctrines from sources other than the Bible.
He was a sorcerer and a deceiver, Micah said. Tried to buy
the power of the Holy Spirit from the apostles, believe it or not.
Even more than that was involved, Sam said. Magus was on
a head trip. He wanted power. It just irked him that Peter wouldnt
let him join the ranks of the apostles as one of them. Magus got so
mad about it he made up his mind to go to Rome to start his own
church. We went with him too, because we had no other friends we
could rely on, and we were afraid of the Romans and all the
cutthroats of that violent culture. But then a storm hit our boat.
Ben and I felt like we were supposed to leave. We didnt feel guilty
about flying away from the boat, because its okay to fly in your
dreams. Its a pretty common experience to fly in your dreams,
Micah.
Can you fly now? Micah asked. Try. If you cant, you ought
to wonder if you really are dreaming.
Ben and Sam climbed to the top of a big bale of hay.
Concentrate, Sam, Ben said, and you can do it as easily as I can.
Both men focused on flying as hard as they could, but fell
several feet down to the soft green grass. They were jarred a little,
but quite unhurt. Micah walked over to help them up. That could
mean youre supposed to stay here with us for awhile before you go
back to your loved ones, he said. I have every reason to believe
youre sincere in telling me youre from the past, though. But
eventually well have to consult one of the immortal rulers about
your problem, and see if we can get you back to your own time. Do
you fellows have a place to stay for the time being?
No we dont, Micah, Ben said.
Theres a couple of spare beds in the bunkhouse, if youd like to
accept our hospitality.
We do want to get home as soon as possible, Micah, but well
try not to be a burden to you while were here.

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I sure could do with a couple of extra hands right now, Micah

remarked. Its corn-picking time, and other crops need harvesting
as well. Just come up with me to the house after I dig a hole and
bury this junk that doesnt belong in this New World. I cant burn
the little bombs. Theyd only explode and spook the horses again.
Keeping a keen eye on Ben and Sam, Micah went to his supply
van parked on the side of the road and got out his shovel. When
he got back he asked both men to bow their heads. Micah felt a
twinge of unease about these two strangers, but his desire to try to
help them won out. Micah prayed for Gods mercy and renewed
blessing and emphatically told the Almighty that he was sorry to see
such vile tokens of the Old World contaminate his property, and that
he would bury them at once. Then Micah proceeded to do so.
It sure is a great thing Magus used up all our grass seeds, Sam
told Ben, or else hed have a whole new crop springing up.
$$$$$$
To avoid unwanted questions from his household, Micah took Ben
and Sam to his stable and told them to wait. He returned from the
bunkhouse with some work duds. Put these on, he said. I think
they might fit round the waistjust. But theyre made for much
taller men. So you can roll up the cuffs and sleeves if theyre too
long. Well get you some work boots too, if you plan on staying
with us awhile. Micah appraised the size of Ben and Sams feet.
Youd probably take a boys size, since our men generally have
bigger feet.
We appreciate the extra help, Micah said. We offer room and
board, plus fair wages. But if you stay, you guys need to be careful
about what you say around my family..
Oh, we will be careful, Ben promised. Do you have an old
sack we could put our ah costumes in for safe keeping?
Yeah, Micah said. He found a big burlap bag in the corner of a
stall. Just put your old duds in this, and Ill show you to the
bunkhouse, where theres foot lockers and cupboards to store your
stuff in. Ill get these dry cleaned for you in our Drionizer, no trouble
at all. After we find some beds for you guys, well go up to the
house. Ill tell Eunice youre passing through, looking for a bit of
work. Wont be long, supper will be served.
And what a supper it was! Ben and Sam couldnt stop sighing
with pleasure over the harvest stew Eunice served, along with her
special apple walnut bread with home-churned butter. It was as
though theyd never tasted real food before. Ben and Sam sat near
the end of a long table adorned with flowers and luscious fruit.
Dining with them were members of Micahs immediate and
extended family, as well as three hired hands.

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All it is a simple vegetable stew, Eunice said, and you two act
like youre in heaven. Her kind blue eyes shone in genuine
pleasure. The congenial lady of the house wore a checkered blue
dress and ruffled pinafore apron, just like her niece. Her brown
braids were done up in a tidy twist . Although Micah and Eunice
lived in a technologically advanced era, their devout, family-oriented
lifestyle was alien to the gender-blurred, permissive mindset of Ben
and Sams swinging era. They were impressed by the old fashioned
wholesomeness of this family scene.
These folks out-Walton the Waltons, Ben thought, as he bit his
bread.
Sams eyes watered and he blinked. You make us feel right at
home, he said, when Eunice asked him if something upset him. The
real reason Sam sniffed away tears was memories of his temple
initiation.
It makes us truly happy for you to say that, doesnt it, Micah?
Eunice said.
Seriously, Eunice, weve never been treated to such fine food as
this, Ben said. No kidding. Even the butter is the best weve ever
tasted. So rich, so creamy, and those vegetables are just exploding
with flavor.
Exploding, my word, Micah said, shaking his head.
Little Gloriana breathed: He liked our blackberries that much
too, Aunt Eunice. Didnt you, Brother Ben?
Sure did. Where we come from, the vegetables tasted all
lifeless because fish genes were injected into the tomatoes, and
Micah coughed and stared hard. Sensing an unusual tension in
the air, little Gloriana continued her meal in silence, smiling
demurely. Sam jabbed at Ben as if to warn him not to provoke
unwanted questions about their origins.
I do tend to be a bit picky about what I eat, Ben added.
Eunice, even your buttermilk is the best either of us have tasted. I
can tell Micah keeps his cows contented.
Will you shut up already! Sam whispered, giving Ben another
poke.
The reason Eunice is so pleased about your liking the stew ,
Micah said, is tonight we served a meatless meal.
Not exactly meatless, Micah, Eunice corrected. Theres just a
tiny bit of leftover lamb bits in it for flavor. But truly, Ben and Sam,
isnt it remarkable that our fruit of the ground is so rich nowadays
that you could live off it without meatalthough its still permissible
to include meat in your diet, of course!
Ahspeaking of diet, Micah said, these two fellows have been
feeling a bit poorly lately. Could you please bring them some of
that miracle herb tea, Eunice, you know that emulsion made from
the leaves of the Tree of Life?

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The tree whose leaves were created for the healing of the
nations, Eunice said thoughtfully. Yes, Micah, I do believe we have
some left, and it will do our new workers a world of good. She rose
from the table to prepare the tea for Ben and Sam.
Of course the other hired workers wanted to know where Ben
and Sam had come from, as did Micahs assembled kinfolk. Not
too many questions, now, Micah said. Theyre all tuckered out
from traveling. Ben and Sam here, theyre just happy theyve found
themselves a good place to work, and some nice good friends.
Youll show them what needs doing, wont you, Zack and Shem? he
asked the two workers who had been with him the longest.
Surely we will, Brother Micah, Zack said. Welcome, Ben and
Sam. Zack reached across the table and shook the new arrivals
hands warmly.
Once Ben and Sam sampled the tea they pronounced it
excellent, and it tasted like lemon spinach broth, Ben remarked.
Immediately they felt refreshed and energized, and said so. Look,
Eunice said, just take the rest of this box of tea to the bunkhouse
with you, I can get more in town later. Twice a day mix one
teaspoon of the granules in a cup of boiling water. Its so sweet you
dont need to add anything to it. She handed Ben the box.
For dessert Eunice brought out some of the blackberries picked
by the children, served atop generous slices of yellow cake topped
with sweet whipped cream. Once again Ben and Sam carried on
about how delicious the food was.
My goodness, Eunice blushed, such a fuss to make over
leftover pound cake with wild blackberries and cream. Its not very
fancy.
Oh, but it is, Eunice! Ben cried. Sam and I here, weve
dined in some of the worlds ritziest eateries, but what they served
was pig slop compared to your wonderful cooking!
Well, thats some compliment! Eunice said primly, to
uproarious laughter.
Pardon my saying it, Phanuel cackled, but to hear you fellows
get so ecstatic about the wonderful food, youd think the two of you
came from a famine zonethough we dont have those any more.
Youre littler than me, but you are well filled out, so you cant be
starving!
More rollicking laughter. Soon they were all assembled in the
den, robustly belting out spiritual chorses, accompanied by Micahs
accordion and Zacks banjolin, an electronic banjo and mandolin
hybrid. Indeed this country home was thoroughly modern, with
plenty of high-tech conveniences, from Micahs Nerve-plex
communication console to Eunices smart fridge and digital ice
cream processor.
Ben and Sam sang and clapped along with the others. What
they noticed the most in this happy scenario was what was missing.

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No thinly veiled hostility on faces, no negative, frustrated

expressions, no sarcastic comments between the children, no dogeat-dog time pressure, and the utter absence of mean-spirited
competition which permeated Sam and Bens own world. Only a
bubbly, childlike delight in daily living and delight in the Lord
permeated Micahs peaceful home.
The two newcomers liked the layout of Micahs place, with its
rambling ranch-style house built of seasoned timbers, its
wraparound porch and the flower-lined picket fence which led up to
it. They were fascinated by the solar panels atop Micahs private
power station, which efficiently absorbed the gentle rays of the sun
so that the futuristic transformers could convert them to energy
sufficient to power the house and all the outbuildings of the farm.
Sam sighed. He didnt want to expend any of his own energy
doing such mundane chores as hooking cows up to milking
machines, buzz-sawing brushwood or scattering chicken feed in the
free range barnyard. Ben, he groaned, the very idea! I never
had to muck around with a manual job in my life! And I hate
hanging around cow patties! Couldnt I just contract out my share
of the actual physical labor?
Ben guffawed. Who to? The chickens?
I was just thinking, maybe I could apply for a supervisory
position here, and oversee the rest of the staff
That only irked Ben. Who do you think you are, Sam? King
Tut? Are you gonna boss me around too?
But Ben! Havent we always pushed that rhetoric about being
the head and not the tail, above and not beneath? Lets practice
what we preach, man! Im always psyching up the crowds before
you preach, so the hard parts already done before you say your
first amen. Its about time you developed a bit of self-confidence. If
it helps, just pretend youre me! Sam practically pushed Ben all
the way to Micahs office.
Ben gritted his teeth. Micah was a powerful presence here, and
hed far rather go get a root canal. Sighing, the two men trudged
inside to see Micah, who peered up from the spreadsheet on his
console. His craggy face relaxed into a smile. He asked how they
liked farm life so far.
Just dandy, Brother Micah, Sam said. But it does take some
getting used to for city slickers like us.
For sure it does, Micah nodded.
AhMicah, Ben quavered, Sam and I here, we had been
wondering if you could let us start at the top in our career here.
Were educated dudes, Sam and myself.
At first Micah raised his eyebrows, then gave them a vinegary
grin. I see what you mean. Ill see what we can do for you
fellows, then. Just get back to what you were doing, and Ill start
you both on your new assignment first thing tomorrow morning.

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Next morning Ben and Sam enjoyed a hearty breakfast of lamb

chops, hotcakes and eggs. Nothings too good for my hard-working
executives whove just gotten a promotion, Micah grinned.
Finally Zack took them outside and said, If Brother Micah gave
you guys a special high-powered assignment today, I guess its best
if you get on top of it right away.
All morning long Ben and Sam worked hard at scraping bird
bombs off the solar panels atop the power station. Sam groaned
about his grievous penance.
Quit griping, Sam, Ben said. Those birds sing sweetly for us
every morning, so the least we can do is scrub their outhouse so
they want to come back.
Ben, Sam groaned, Ive got a premonition things could get
much worse.
They sure could, Sam. We could be polishing commodes in the
state pen if some genius finds out there was no Kordakoo with
Samsons wig, and theres no archaeological site in Tunga Hunga. I
told you not to act like a big time operator in front of Micah! Serves
you right!
Sam made a face at Ben which didnt suit that peaceful world.
Shut up!
Youre doing just fine! Zack called cheerfully. And when youre
finished with that, well break for lunch and afterward you boys can
shovel bat poop out of the hayloft! Thats starting at the top, boys!
The other workers couldnt help but laugh, though it was all in good
fun.
That taught Ben and Sam that Micah was nobodys fool. If they
wanted room and board plus decent wages, they couldnt wimp out
on his place. Theyd have to put in a mans day.
At first Ben and Sam fretted about going back to their own time,
but they actually enjoyed all the new things there were to see, and
the peaceful atmosphere of this placeat least they seemed to on
the surface. But it wasnt long before Micah reluctantly leveled with
Eunice about Ben and Sams origins. As Solomon might have said,
you cant hide your own perfume, because its scent announces its
own presence. Ben and Sam had an air about them which made
Eunice edgy at times, though she never mentioned it to Micah. She
noticed they usually did
their chores cheerfully and never
complained. Eunice couldnt quite put her finger on what was out of
sync about those two mysterious men.
Micah remained tight-lipped toward everyone else, but
eventually Zack managed to worm out the truth of Ben and Sams
origins when they were all alone in the bunkhouse. Once again, the
time travelers repeated the same proofs to Zack as they had to
Micah that they were not of his own world. Ben cited the outward
differences between them and Kingdom Dwellers. But as time
passed, Ben and Sams physical condition began to improve

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markedly. Micah was so pleased with their work that he seldom

reminded them that they needed to seek supernatural help to get
back to their loved ones.
$$$$$$
Ben and Sam got used to the physical labor. Neither man liked to
rise early, but they didnt find the actual work unpleasant at all.
Day by day they attacked their chores with renewed zest, boosted
by Eunices herb tea. There were no thorns or other unpleasant
pests to contend with in the fields, and the abundant crops almost
dropped of their own accord into the hands of the harvesters.
Digital machinery further lightened the mens workload. As an
added bonus, Ben and Sam noticed their belt size rapidly
decreasing.
Both of us are wasting away, Ben laughed. And we still eat
our fair share of Eunices good grub. I just cant get over it!
I cant either, baby-face Ben! Sam chortled. Our wrinkles are
history too. Sure, were pale as buttermilk and probably wont tan
under the earths water vapor canopy, but weve lopped off at least
25 years apiece.
And I thought only women were vain, Ben replied. I dont
want to make you conceited, Sam, but your hairline is marching
forward again.
No more dumbells or diet books, no more doctors with dirty
looks! Sam sang.
Ben sighed contentedly. This is the life, Sam. Im a young
dude again. But to stay this way, I cant go back to Miranda. You
know, she looks like my mother now.
Same for Rosie, Sam said.
Most evenings it was the same. Everyone would enjoy a hearty
supper together, and any night a meeting wasnt scheduled at the
local Tabernacle, a singing might be held in Micahs den. Ben
missed his hard rock hits, especially Bat Out of Hell, but he bit his
tongue. Ben was just thankful he hadnt ended up there yet. He
and Sam even learned to say a decent blessing over the meals,
after listening to Micah do it. To blend in well with everyone else,
Ben and Sam attended the Tabernacle meetings, driven there by
Zack in his big van. As they drove down the country lanes, Ben and
Sam would peer up wonderingly at the tiny aircraft which dotted the
beautiful blue sky.
Some of the richer folks, Zack explained, could afford smartcars
with built-in flight options. Whenever traffic was especially thick or
they were in a hurry, the smartcars anti-gravity function could be
activated to lift the craft off the ground and keep it aloft as it sped
toward its destination. All modern vehicles were fuelled by tiny
hydrogen fuel cells. It had taken much scientific research to perfect

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the technology, but it was a blessing not to be so dependent upon

fossil fuels. These days the environment was kept clean and
properly cared for. No technology harmful to Messiahs Paradise
Earth was allowed to be developed or marketed.
The oldest cars on the road were strictly Manual Control, Zack
added, but the van they were riding in was electronically controlled
without the flight option. Even earthbound smartcars were wonders
to Ben and Sam, though. Under Automatic Control, the smartcar
would assume all the functions of a human driver, freeing up the
driver to check on children in the back seat.
The smartcar,
explained Zack, had built-in sensors governed by an electronic
brain. Obstacles were detected by the car, and distance from
neighboring vehicles was gauged by the car to regulate proper
speed and so prevent collisions. A grid map on the control panel
showed the drivers position relative to his destination. Tiny chips
embedded in the roadside emitted signals to guide the sensors of
the smartcar. And even though the driver was required by law to
assume Manual Control of the vehicle in the unlikely event of
malfunction, the smartcar actually diminished the likelihood of
accidents by eliminating most possibility of human driver error.
Even so, Zack told Ben and Sam, all godly drivers trusted in the
protection of the Lord and his angels to keep them safe, even in this
age of great technological marvels.
Ben and Sam remembered how, at their very first Tabernacle
service, theyd kept Micah wide awake in suspense when the two of
them were invited up to the podium to address the congregation
and give their personal testimonies.
Jesus saves, Ben began piously and with a properly solemn
face. And he sure did save me, folks! I backslid real bad when I
turned twelve and raided my Uncle Lesters liquor cabinet.
The congregation gasped. A little lamb barely out of babyhood,
and led astray already! one lady whispered to her friend. What
sort of parents did this young man have! My word!
Well, anyhow, Ben continued, I got so soused I gave my pet
cat Cleo a Mohawk hairdo and tied a string of tin cans to her tail.
Then I Seeing Micahs dark frown, Ben continued, more upbeat:
Enough of that, already. While I was lost in sin, nothing I did
turned out right, because the Bible does say, He who hides his sins
shall not prosper. But the Lord wants you all to have the very best,
brothers and sisters. I grew up in abject poverty and I ate plenty of
beans until I learned the secrets of success. But enough noise from
me. Im not here to toot my own horn. Now Ill let Brother Sam
finish for both of us.
Sam got up from his podium chair and grinned appreciatively.
Will ya give a love clap to my brother Ben! he said, waving his
hand. After polite applause mixed with perplexed buzzing, Sam
stood up straight and began point-blank: The story of our life is,

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ya gotta give to get! Over and over again this old proverb rings
true: plant a seed to meet your need. What if Brother Micah didnt
plant any seeds in his ground? Would the good Lord still give him a
harvest? This is a sweet, wonderful world you all live in, but Im
sure that if our beloved brother didnt do his part, his fields would
be barren. As if on cue, Sams hands were extended and his fingers
were wriggling.
If you see someone elses need, brothers and sisters, pray
about meeting it. Sam noticed a storm brewing on Micahs face.
Sam sputtered, awkwardly: If Brother White here needs to have
his pews polished, be the first to chip in to make that wonderful
work possible. Remember, if you see a need and dont do a faith
deed, you wont receive.
Micah stood up and said, These two fine fellows believe in
practicing what they preach. So tomorrow, after this Day of Rest is
over, Im donating their whole days work to the Tabernacle! Good
idea, Ben and Sam! Set a fine example for other young folks! All
you need to sow is a little elbow grease and well reap a harvest of
spit-and-polish pews!
Next day Ben bit his tongue to keep his opinion of Sam to
himself. Sam, he griped as they dusted the pews and used
electronic pew polishers on the fine-grained wood, next time you
give a testimony, make it clear whos supposed to do the donating!
Ben and Sam received a further shock before that service
ended. Brother White happily announced, In six weeks a very
special visitor will be coming to our Tabernacle to fellowship with us
and speak Gods Word to our hearts. None other than the blessed
Apostle Peter has scheduled a pastoral visit to Glory Light
Tabernacle. During that time, a special fellowship feast will be held
in the dining hall, where this resurrected saint will break bread with
our congregation. So praise the Lord, brothers and sisters, for this
unspeakable blessing and many more to come in the wonderful
months ahead.
What a miserable drive back to the farm for Ben and Sam. They
had to pretend to be enthusiastic while the other passengers sang
and shouted for joy all the way home.
I feel just sick, Sam moaned to Ben when they were alone.
If the Big Fisherman finds us here, were dead meat, man.
Better find some nutty professor to send us back real quick,
Ben answered.
Back where, Ben? Sam fretted. Back into the lovin arms of
the I.R.S.?
$$$$$$
Zack, Shem, and Evert didnt seem to have much problem
believing their new co-workers were not of their own era. After all,

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every one of their rulers was either a resurrected saint from the
past or one changed into immortality at the time of the Rapture.
Theirs was a world of miracles and marvels. But, regrettably, the
greatest evidence that Ben and Sam had not been raised in their
world was the way theyd talk sometimes. Never had the other field
hands heard such vile swear words as Ben and Sam could use with
each other when they thought they were all alone. Everyone knew
these two strange men were married, but why didnt they seem
more eager to get back to their own wives? And the mean way Ben
and Sam would cackle about their old ladies grabbing their
ministry money while the two of them were gone! Such disrespect
toward a spouse was totally unacceptable in this wonderful world!
The puzzlement went both ways. Why didnt Zack, Shem, and
Evert ever download images of lovely ladies on the Nerve-plex?
Werent they even available? Why didnt Brother Zack ever use cuss
words or get rip-roaring drunk? What did they do for happy pills
here, if they should ever need them in times of stress? There was
no devil around to tempt Ben and Sam, but old habits die hard
when religion is strictly a money-making business and the real
Jesus is kept at a distance.
Whenever they were alone Sam would bitterly bemoan the fact
that they couldnt exploit this particular trip for financial gain.
Micah is on the lower end of the financial spectrum in society, Sam
said. But he sure doesnt feel that way. Hes got his health, hes
got great food, hes got friends and family around him, and you
never hear the guy complain about anything. His wife isnt
struggling to climb any social ladder, either, and you dont see her
going shopping all day like Miranda and Rosie. All she likes to do is
be a sweet wife and mother. Youll never hear her complain either.
Eunice would be miserable in our time, Ben replied. Youd
never catch her in a mini-skirt. Shes trim but robust-looking, unlike
Miranda who forever moans shes not skinny enough, and obsesses
about looking fatter than her girl friends. Women of the past would
laugh at Eunice for being a happy homemaker in a pinafore apron.
Sam shrugged. Yeah, Id like to see Miranda starve on a diet
and still try to do all the farm chores Eunice doesalthough shes no
worse-looking for all the exercise she gets.
These people are unreal, Sam, Ben whispered. Micahs idea of
a romantic weekend with Eunice is a stroll through the meadows
with a picnic basket.
And as for poverty, I dont hear anyone talk about it, Sam
said. I dont know if theres many billionaires in this world, either. I
did some surfing on the InfoNet Relay, and I found out that the gap
between so-called poor and rich is as narrow as Micahs mind. No,
Ben, I dont think our seminars on how to get rich by paying the
preacher would go over very big around here. Folks just arent

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desperate enough, so we wouldnt have much of a donor pool to fish

around in here.
Paradise Earth began to lose its sparkle for carnally minded Ben
and Sam. The other hired hands loved to sit around in a circle and
sing the praises of the Lord, while Ben fantasized about mens
magazines and racy Internet chatrooms which were no longer in
Cyberspace. When Sam asked about TV programs, Zacks brother
Jonah replied: Television? Oh, yes, we have that in our world, but
for the most part it serves as an educational service to the
community, and a source of inspiration which points us to the Word
of God and the Majesty in Jerusalem.
You mean you dont have adult television in the evenings after
kids are in bed? Sam asked, quite ignorantly.
But the live broadcasts and Nerve-plex videos we access appeal
to all age groups, Jonah remarked. Im 145 years old and my
favorite program is Digging for Hidden Treasures. The viewer is
taken on a 3-D tour of holy sites which have been excavated for
ancient relics. The history behind each treasure is explained as
being a unique revelation of the Glory of God. Im sure my children
will love it tooonce I find a wife and have them, that is, he
chuckled. By the way, Ben, if I may ask, what is your age?
I was 48 last time I checked, Ben shrugged. But I look about
25 now, thanks to Eunices herb tea. Its a whole lot better than
Botox.
What is Botox, Ben?
Thats where a bit of botulism bacteria is injected into your face
to partially paralyze the muscles which cause wrinkling. The most
famous movie stars used it in my day, and no rich woman would be
caught dead without it. Some people started using it when they
were still in their twenties, believe it or not.
Jonah frowned. Twenties! What a wicked thing to do to little
children! Any doctor in these parts who deliberately poisoned a
persons body would be dealt with very severely. Where exactly are
you men from?
Sam and I have our headquarters in El Dinero, just outside of
Wanderstar, Ben finally said. Were both televangelists, as Zack
just told you. I do most of the preaching in the ministry, but Sam is
my right-hand man and the program would come unglued without
him.
So youre from El Shaddai, just outside of Joystar, Jonah said.
Its just so hard to believe that you think we arent real and youre
only dreaming us.
Well, we are part of the Old World, as you call it. No kidding,
Jonah, Sam and I O.D.d on crystal meth one day at work and we
ended up here with you. Youre just a figment of our imagination
and before long, well wake up in a rehab clinic just like I did after
my first two trips into inner space.

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Oh, no, Jonah said, I will live forever, praise be to God. Im as

solid as the faith in my heart.
$$$$$$
Ben and Sam were still lying comatose in Intensive Care. Dr. Loopy
shook his head as he consulted with Dr. Hacksaw. I warned Ben
billions of times about his drug abuse. And look where its got him
now. Only this time he took Sam Malone with him. That Ben Bucks
a poor excuse for a preacher.
Poor? Ha! Dr. Hacksaw laughed bitterly. But what good is
their money doing them now, except to pay their overstretched
insurance premiums? Just look at those pill poppin preachers .
Weve got em both on a feeding drip 24 hours a day, but theyre
losing lots of weight. Never thought Id see the day Id worry about
Ben Buck getting too thin. But miracles never cease, do they?
$$$$$$
Jonah, Ben said, after he did a bit of online research about the era
he now inhabited. This Nerve-plex system is just awesome, the
way it serves as the brains for household appliances, the garage
communicating with the car, virtual visits onscreen, regulating the
power plant, providing fast information, keeping accurate inventory
of Eunices pantrywho would be brainy enough to design and
repair these things anyway? Theyre amazing, speedy, reliable, and
you get your downloads in split seconds!
They are quite a convenience, Ben, and considering the fact
Planet Earth was nuked clear back to the Stone Age during the Trib,
its a wonder were as advanced as we are now. Brother Micah is
friends with a wealthy man in town who not only designs software
for the Nerve-plex, but markets games and accessories for this
system. He also runs training seminars for Nerve-plex engineers
and repairmen.
A rare sadness passed over Jonahs happy face. Only now this
man is watched over by specially appointed guardians who look
after his affairs. Saul Savage is the mans name. Saul got into
some dire trouble a few years back, so bad he was almost executed
for his crime. It was only by the Lords mercy he was spared.
Jonah, Zack gently reproved. Brother Saul has repented and
has made much progress in his spiritual recovery. Is it not wrong
to dredge up his past transgressions?
Well, its common knowledge, Zack. Sauls sin serves as an
example to us all, never to covet that glory and honor which
pertains to God alone.

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What exactly did Saul do to get into such a jam? Sam asked.
He remembered Simon Magus own proud attitude and selfexaltation.
Jonah looked extremely grave. Saul held a great feast in his
own honor to solicit praise and worship from his guestssort of like
when King Herod incited others to give him glory due unto God
alone. Saul intoxicated his guests with strong liquor to lower their
inhibitions. Songs of praise were offered up to Saul as he sat on a
chair wearing a diadem and waving a drumstick for a scepter.
Saul was rebellious against Gods appointed authority, Zack
said. He brazenly declared himself independent of any constraints
which Christs immortal rulers could put upon his behavior. He
taught perverse ideas to others, so as to set a stumbling block
before them.
Sam sighed. Poor Saul. So free speech and dissent arent
allowed in this world?
Who would want any other kind of freedom except the freedom
to worship, praise and honor our Creator and His Christ, and to do
those things which are pleasing in His sight? Jonah said softly.
Gods love toward fallible man is tender, Jonah added
philosophically, but sometimes it must be tough also. If people
cant love the God Who abhors sin and rebellion, they serve a
different god of their own making.
Well, Im a religious man too, Ben said awkwardly. In my day
I could pack gigantic stadiums with worshippers. I was a famous TV
evangelist, and will be one again when I get home. Folks would
prove their love for God by filling up my big offering buckets, and
theyd give even out of their poverty to prove their faith. Often, he
admitted, people would go out on a limb with the Lord and promise
Him money they didnt even possess. Make a vow of faith, wed
teach them, and as you pay off that vow, God will keep His end of
the bargain. You cant out-give God, brothers and sisters. It works
every time.
Jonah and Zack got a quizzical look on their faces. Since when
does our God need money to sustain His eternal existence? Jonah
demanded. How much money did our Lord charge those He healed
during His own ministry on earth? And what would you have done,
Ben Buck, if some poor family went hungry by doing something
presumptuous that our Lord never commanded them to do? After
all, survival in the old days wasnt the relatively simple thing it is in
this Glory Age. If a poor family was turned out onto the street for
lack of money to pay the rent, who took care of them? Back then,
there wasnt such an abundance of lush fruit trees with nourishment
free for the picking. Ive heard much about how it used to be, Ben.
Some of my own resurrected ancestors told me of bread lines, and
cold-hearted prelates
turning away beggars who lay starving
outside the very doors of the harlot church system. Truly, Ben Buck,

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who were you to speak on Gods behalf to make promises of a rich

return on a poor widows investment?
Look, Ben told them, youve got no idea how hard it was to
pay the bills for staying on the air and bringing in top talent to sing
and testify on stage. Lots of people e-mailed us and told us what a
tremendous blessing our show was to them. Lots of them were
elderly shut-ins who couldnt get out to go to a regular church.
Listen, Jonah, we didnt hold a gun up to those peoples heads and
force them to send us anything. But we had to teach them about
faithfulness, too. If you do make a vow of faith to God, woe be
unto you if you welsh on that vow! Even the Bible warns that its
far better not to make a vow of faith than to break it once youve
made it.
Zack frowned. So once you hooked folks with your bait and they
made a vow to send the Lord money, it was fear that motivated
them to make good on that vow, not love? Did you ever once
wonder, Ben, whether some poor widow did without her supper so
you and your friends could enjoy the finest life had to offer? Did
you even have a conscience, Ben and Sam? Is that why youre here
with us now, because you ran away from a time and place which
pricked at your conscience day and night and gave you no rest?
Jonah, Sam said hotly, theres an old Indian saying: walk a
mile in my moccasins. You cant understand me. I grew up in a poor
home. I know what its like to wear thrift store rags while the rest
of the kids wear designer duds. I got teased and called all kinds of
names for it, too. Have you ever been called stinky, wino and
hobo at school? They even picked me up and put me in the trash
can. But I got so mad, Jonah, I swore that as soon as I got one
foot on the bottom rung of the ladder Id fight my way up to the top
tooth and nail and the day would come nobody would ever again
look down on Sam Malone. Green Manna Ministries was the answer
to my prayers, and all I can say to those dweebs who bothered me
is this: Eat your heart out! The best revenge is living well! Ha ha
ha! Who ended up with the oceanfront mansion, you or me?
But are you truly living well, Sam? Jonah replied, more softly.
I did have an easier time than you because bullying is absolutely
not tolerated in any of our provinces schools or workplaces. But
the end does not justify the means. Have you ever once considered
that your own dear Savior ought to be your dearest Treasure and
your only reason to boast? Where is the rich man of Luke Chapter
16? And where is Lazarus, who languished in poverty all his life,
but whose hope was in the Lord? Lazarus lives somewhere in our
kingdom in his brand new, perfectly well, resurrected body. But the
rich man who fared sumptuously is languishing in an eternal
poverty of separation from God in a devils hell.
Jonah! Ben waved his hand. No need to get preachy, now.
Let me ask you this, and dont get offended: How hard could it

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possibly be for you guys to prove your love for God when your life is
such a lark? You guys are so healthy you make my personal trainer
look like a toxic waste dump. New Testament Scripture exhorts
Christians to rejoice in time of suffering. But you Millennial saints
are lucky. Instead of tears and tribulations, Isaiah Chapter 65
promises you long life, health, and quick answers to prayer. And
you dont have to put on a happy face even though youre hacking
your head off in the emergency room.
But you arent looking at the bigger picture, Ben, Jonah
protested. You speak of the sufferings endured by Church Age
Christians, and the fact they were obliged to bear them cheerfully. I
cant imagine how hard that must have been, because we ourselves
have always lived in a veritable paradise in this earth. I sense that
youre just trying to steer us away from the real issue of exploiting
poor worshippers. Read all four Gospels. Our Lord did not do this
when He lived upon the earth. Instead, He exhorted the rich to sell
all they possessed and help support the poor.
How do you
rationalize that further impoverishing the sick and the poor will
make them richer spiritually? How can you possibly justify tempting
God Himself by urging others to pledge to Him what they do not
possess?
Ben spun his way out of that one. In my day emotionally
hurting people would go to psychiatristsbut most could not afford
them. Far cheaper to come to ministers of a gospel of hope, sit
through a service and go home feeling refreshed. I was the poor
mans shrink, Jonah! Inadequate people need somebody to give
em hope, and thats what I did. You sow seed in fertile ground for
Micah Campbell, but I did something even harder. I sowed seeds of
hope in hopeless ground. Some folks were so depressed they were
ready to jump off a bridge.
Those people who came to my
miracle meetings, well, they were crippled people and sick old ladies
who were desperate for a miracle. They had bills to pay and the
wolf was always howling outside their door. But here the lions the
tigers and the bears are all tame. Whens the last time you had to
pull a rabbit out of your hat to beat the rap for tax evasion?
Ben, Sam warned, sensing a buildup of tension in the
bunkhouse. This world is a no-war zone. Dont rock the boat,
man.
Zack gasped. What manner of men are among us, Jonah? Are
we to be blamed for enjoying the Sabbath rest of this Millennial
Age? Is this not an issue of envy in the heart of men who suffered
trial and tribulation in a far more wretched world than we know?
Far be it from us to pass judgment, for we are also human,
Jonah said mildly. Perhaps you did some despicable things in your
career as a televangelist, Ben, but while you are among us you will
be held to account for how you behave in our society, which is
under the direct rule of Jesus Christ Himself. Our employer feels

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personally responsible for you two, since you have become youthful
and strong with the aid of the emulsion Sister Eunice shared with
you. Brother Micah sees this as an opportunity for you to begin
anew in a life committed to God. His heart goes out to you since
you find yourself stranded in a world you never knew, but he has
repeatedly told you that if only you would go with him to consult
Lord Stephen, our ruler, perhaps he could help you return to your
own time.
Its a hard thing to decide, Jonah, Ben said. I do miss my old
friends and my ministry back home, but I love being young again,
just knowing I wont age for hundreds of years.
And we definitely dont miss the I.R.S. chasing us with
auditors, Sam added. Jonah, youve got no idea how stressful life
in the twenty-first century was, even for the rich!
Ben and Sam werent entirely above board about their reasons
for not wanting to go back to their own time. The disgruntled old
lady in Missouri was waging a campaign to have them investigated
for fraud. The net of the I.R.S. was closing in on Sams shifty book
keeping. To top it all off, what if Dr. Loopy and Dr. Hacksaw decided
to report Bens repeated drug abuse and possession? What if those
two saw past the juicy insurance money they were collecting for
Ben and Sams treatment, and decided to squeal on them to the
police?
Hopefully, strict doctor-patient confidentiality would be
observed.
Jonah pondered the mystery of it all. You honestly would give
up the chance to participate in the Rapture of the saints in order to
live among us as mortals? You were right when you pointed out that
we have it so much easier than people of your time had it. Unless
we fall into sin and rebellion against God, we know neither heartrending tragedy nor fiery trials. But dont you realize, Ben and Sam,
that if you go back to your own world and suffer its inconveniences
and heartaches for a brief time, you could return to us someday as
co-rulers with Christ?
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, Sam argued. We
were no angels when we lived 300 years ago, and who knows but
after all the bother and aggravation of earthly life well still end up
missing the Rapture? Why run the risk of falling into Antichrists
clutches by missing it? Its not too bad living on this futuristic farm,
and its only a step up the ladder. Im young again, and theres no
I.R.S. on my trail. Why go back to my worries and wrinkles?
Besides, I like living in the future. I like that Nerve-plex I can
interact with just by talking to it, and I dont even need any keypad
or mouse. Its nice of Brother Micah to let me come in and surf on
it. Its a bit humbling having to borrow other peoples gadgetry for
the time being. And sure, I had to say good-bye to my winter
penthouse on Oahu and my oceanfront manor, but my overheads
much lower now, and manual labor isnt the affliction its cracked up

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to be. Unlike those poor folks who donated to my ministry, I get to

keep most of my take-home pay. Besides, I like Eunices cooking so
much I wouldnt even go back to the Purple Lobster for all the tea
in Timbuktu. Yet all the while, Sam knew he and Ben would have to
say goodbye to that cooking before St. Peter came to town.
$$$$$$
The days flew by, or at least they seemed to for Ben and Sam, who
realized they had just one week before Simon Peter was scheduled
to make his appearance at the Tabernacle. Jonah and Zack didnt
report their private conversations with Ben and Sam to Micah,
because they were good hard workers who never gave anybody any
trouble. But bad boy Ben and shifty Sam were getting restless.
This is the longest trip Ive ever been on, Sam, Ben said.
Miranda can just assume Im practically dead in Intensive Care and
I guess she cant wait to get her hooks into my ministry and all its
assets.
Same for Rosie, Sam sighed. But if were gonna be stuck
here for 700 more years, we might as well link up with some chicks
our own age, eh? We just got paid, so lets go paint Joystar red
before we hit the road.
Ben and Sam were unaware someone was concealed behind a
tree, listening, barely breathing and occasionally peeking.
Little Glorianas eyes were round with wonderment as she
rushed home and pounded on the door of her uncles office, where
he was busy updating accounts on his console.
Whats all this ruckus about, banging so loud? he said, a bit
impatiently. Didnt I tell you children Id be busy in here for the
next two hours?
Im sorry, Uncle Micah, but I got so curious I couldnt wait,
Gloriana said breathlessly. Her face was red from running, and
Micah sensed something was amiss.
Im sorry if I snapped at you, Gloriana, he smiled. I can tell
youve got something on your mind. Come in and tell me about it.
She took a chair next to his and whispered, Theres some words
I heard some men saying to each other while I was out playing,
Uncle Micah. Hot pants, hooterson the game. Can you tell me
what those mean?
Micah coughed. His steely grey eyes twinkled. Well, honey, if
we were to hang a pair of Lots trousers over the kitchen stove to
dry, I imagine theyd turn into hot pants.
Gloriana laughed. What a dumb thing to do!
And if youll listen to the owls at night, Gloriana, dont they
hoot? So you could call them hooters.

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And if you put a bunch of checkers on the board, arent they

sitting on the game? Now, where on earth did you hear such
nonsense, and who said it?
I was standing by a tree, Uncle Micah. Two men were laughing
and joking in the woods. I didnt mean to spy on them, but they
said something about Aunt Eunice, so I couldnt stop listening.
Better tell me all you can remember, then.
Gloriana leaned forward, the palms of her hands under her chin
and her dimply elbows resting on her knees. Well, the best I can
recall, they said that if Aunt Eunice would take off that flour sack
she always wears and put on some hot pants, shed be a real.uhI
think the word was hooker. And the two men behind the tree said
they would go find some girls who were on the game. What did
they mean, Uncle Micah?
It took extreme self-control not to lose his temper in front of
little Gloriana, but Micahs face whitened with indignation and his
fist shook. Never you mind, child, he said. Did you see those
fellows, Gloriana? Do you know who they were?
Gloriana had not seen their faces through the dense thicket of
trees, but she played their words back like a tape recorder. They
were hard to see, Uncle Micah. But they were littler men than you,
and one of them carried a book satchel. He laughed about all the
fun he used to have blowing bread in Vegas and picking up
swinging chicks behind his old ladys back. What does all that
mean, Uncle Micah? Did they put baby chicks on a swing to play
with them?
No, not exactly, Micah said, and I dont want you worrying
your little head about it. All Ill tell you is this: those words do not
bring glory to God, and they are very hurtful to others. Can you
promise me something, Gloriana?
What, Uncle Micah?
That youll try never to mention those words to the other
children, and that youll never use language like that yourself?
She nodded.
Go find your cousins, now, and stay away from the bunkhouse
till I clear this up.
But what did those men mean? Gloriana breathed.
Never you mind, Gloriana. Thats my concern. Now scoot.
Ben and Sam were strolling merrily down the picturesque lane
when they heard an angry voice bellowing: How dare you call my
wife a hooker!
No, Micah! Ben cried. We said she was a looker! We didnt
mean anything by it! Honest!
Run, Ben, run! Sam yelled.
The two men leaped over a fence, where one of Micahs horses
was contentedly feeding. Hurry, Ben! Hop on!

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Indian-style, Sam yanked the horses mane and pulled himself

up and over. He reached down and scooped up Ben, but more
easily than before, because both men were now in the prime of
youth and much stronger after all the work theyd done. Ben
slapped the horses flank as hard as he could. The horse sped
away.
Hang on, Ben! Sam yelled. They braced themselves as the
horse cleared the picket fence on the far end of the pasture, Micah
yelling in hot pursuit.
Micah had never ridden bareback. He didnt have time to
saddle up one of the other horses to chase the two rascally
preachers. At first Micah felt flustered. Then he remembered which
age he was living in. No need for anxiety anymore. With renewed
rest in the Lord he just stopped his futile running. Nowadays, the
bad guys never won. And if they didnt turn into good guys they
didnt hang around very long, either. Help for these two wayward
fellows was only a quick prayer away. But Micah owned up to his
own faults as well.
Forgive me Lord, he muttered. They were such good workers
I didnt keep after them to get the help they needed to go home.
And I did so want to give them a chance to mend their ways, but
they blew it. Im sorry I allowed their influence to remain on my
property for so long. You look after them, sweet Jesus. I know the
horse will come home later, because unlike humans, Your other
creatures are content to stay in the place where Youve put them
and do what Youve appointed them to do.
Ben and Sam had raced some distance up the roadside when
Ben spotted a bubble-cab parked on a landing pad at a rest stop. I
just cant believe our luck, Sam, Ben chortled. After we go sow a
few wild oats in town, well just find us a better job to keep us till
we get back to Rosie and Miranda.
The men hopped off the horse, which immediately turned
around and headed home. Ben and Sam ran over to the bubble-cab
and asked the pilot if he was waiting for fares.
The pilot smiled as he invited the men to hop inside. Both
decided to sit in the back seat. And no wonder. The pilot winced as
he heard Ben and Sam laugh and joke about all the girls theyd pick
up, now that they were teenagers again. When they asked the
pilot if he knew of a good local hot spot where they might pick up
some cute girls and have a drink, he said stiffly, There is a coffee
bar on Rio Dorado where people meet with friends to converse, and
limited portions of wine are served there strictly on request. But
drunkenness in all its forms is strongly discouraged everywhere in
the city, he hastened to add. There is no such thing as a hot spot
or any other establishment of ill repute in all of Gan Nesherim. Do
your parents know your intentions, fellows?
I work for a

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responsible company, and will not aid and abet licentious conduct in
anyone, especially young people.
Ben whispered something to Sam. Sam nodded. He opened his
briefcase which still contained a few personal possessions. Sam
pulled out the necktie he had removed upon his arrival at the farm.
Sam slid his finger inside a gap in the neckties seam and pulled out
his secret stash.
Sam said, like a rebellious teen: Chill, dude! If youll take us to
the nearest watering hole where the big boys play, theres a pouch
of angel dust in it for you, and itll send your cab into orbit, man.
Angel dust? The pilot raised his eyebrows. Whats that?
Its a magic mist that paints spacey rainbows in your brain and
makes you feel like you can fly to the moon on the wing of a
butterfly, Ben answered. Surely you must be bored whirling
around in this cab all day, and it would expand your mind so you
could see all these beautiful colors clearer. If you can take me and
Sam to the Red Light District where all the big boys go, wed be
forever in your debt.
Oh, I know just the place, the driver winked, pocketing the
bribe. Gracefully the craft swiveled in the air and headed toward a
long, expansive building bordered by lovely flower gardens and a
spacious plaza.
Down there, the pilot pointed.
The anti-gravity craft slowed, then paused in mid-air. Slowly it
descended onto the landing pad of the plaza. Ben handed the pilot
his fare. With a guarded expression the pilot said, If youll go in
there, fellows, youll see plenty of action.
Ben and Sam exited the cab, shouting that the sprawling white
building looked like a Caribbean cabaret. Ben and Sam got so
excited they boogied all the way to the entrance. Ben, as athletic as
hed been at eighteen, turned a cartwheel.
Once they were at a safe distance, the pilot activated his phone.
He was waiting outside the Judgment Hall of Lord Stephen, Royal
Mayor of the City of Joystar and its environs. This was not a capital
case, else the pilot would have taken Ben and Sam straight to the
Great Hall of Judgment, presided over by Prince Daniel, ruler of the
entire Province of Gan Nesherim.
The pilot alerted the Judgment Hall to the arrival of two
offenders and gave details of the sin they were intent on
committing. Furthermore, he held in his hand evidence of their
waywardness, if the Judgment Hall would like to have it for
safekeeping.
Once Ben and Sam were securely inside, an angel materialized
on the plaza. He approached the cab door and greeted the pilot.
Greetings, Victoriel, he said. The angel took the evidence to be
presented to a special judge appointed by Lord Stephen to handle
cases of public indecency or substance abuse. The pilots job was

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done. He shot straight up in the sky, then merged into the clouds
without a trace.
Ben and Sam raced inside hollering: Wheres the girls? Hey,
honey, were here! Their silly grins faded when two white-robed
angels emerged, frowning darkly. Ben and Sam were escorted to
the end of a long corridor and into an imposing courtroom presided
over by a huge man who shone just like the angels. Like them, Clint
wore a shimmering white garment. Circuit Judge Clint Savage was
a saint who had survived the Great Tribulation, and entered the
Reign of Christ as a middle-aged man. For the first two centuries of
the Kingdom Age Clint and his wife Clara had continued life as
mortals, but had been rewarded for their faithfulness by being
transformed into immortality early in the Millennium. People more
recently born generally had a longer natural life cycle to look
forward to. Even as mortal life expectancy had gradually decreased
after the Flood of Noah, now average life expectancy was gradually,
but greatly increasing with each new crop of babies that came
along. People of all ages enjoyed the time of their mortal sojourn,
when they were born in a Paradise earth, grew up learning so many
wonderful things, acquiring a trade, marrying, raising families of
their own, and maturing spiritually. But there was also the
wonderful day of their glorification to immortality to look forward to,
that crowning moment of victory when they would be transformed
outwardly to shine eternally in the perfect likeness of their Savior,
forever freed from any possibility of being tempted to sin.
Clint was a big guy, but in great shape, unlike the dissipated
days of his own mortal life. Clint was solidly built and strong.
Sternly he stared down at Ben and Sam. I stood in your shoes 300
years ago, he said. Time and again I shook my fist at the law,
and every chance I got I peddled poison to the multitudes to make
myself rich. But the difference between me and you is I repented
and received Jesus Christ as Lordand by His grace, I never turned
my back on Him. This world belongs to Christ. When you cross Him
you only end up hurtin yourself.
The tainted angel dust was handed to Clint, who peered down at
the briefcase in Sams hands. You can hand that in too, he said.
The angel wrenched it out of Sams unwilling hands.
But we already dumped our stuff out for Micah Campbell, Sam
squeaked.
All of it? Clint demanded sternly. Any secret pouches? Dont
mss with me, boy! Ive been around the block a few times! Youre
in front of a real pro who learned all the tricks.
Ben and Sam lowered their heads.
As if he could read their
minds, Clint fingered deep inside the briefcase. He felt a few lumps
and hollows. Yes, there was a false bottom to this bag, a generous
gap of two inches of extra space. Clint growled and ripped the

136

lining out with his beefy hands, then dumped the concealed
contents onto his bench.
Well, lookie here! he cried. Whatre these? Kiddie toys? Clint
pointed at several shiny coins and a few sparkling gems encased
in plastic baggies.
Theyre love gifts for our donors, Ben murmured. My name is
Ben Buck. Im from the year 2010, and
Clint glared even harder. Yeah! I know all about you, Buck!
Youre a big part of the reason I didnt get saved before the
Rapture! My Granny Nora used to watch all them TV preachers. She
was just a sweet old lady who was too nice to notice your phoney
baloney circus act. Its a miracle she kept her faith in God after the
big news broke out about the scam you ran. They called you the
Tunga Hunga Hustler, Buck. Most of your viewers didnt figure out
Tunga Hunga was just a make-believe town in Lalaland! They
believed YOU, Buck, so it wasnt worth five minutes to check if
Tunga Hunga and Corduroy Tortilla really existed!
Ben and Sam were squirming. Dry-mouthed, Ben gasped, That
was Kordakoo Tortella, your Honor.
Same difference, Clint grunted. Maybe if your made-up name
hadnt been so weird people woulda seen through your sick joke.
You laughed all the way to the bank. But God didnt think it was
funny.
Bens teeth chattered. If they DID make it back to 2010 they
wouldnt get away with it after all. Im too scared to ask what day
and year the scandal broke out, Your Honor. But what triggered it?
Ill keep you guessing about when they pulled the rug out from
under you, Buck, but some bright guy did a Carbon 14 analysis on
Samsons hair and found out it was barely a year old! Said it was
horse hair! Haw haw haw! Furthermore, scientists found fancy
chemicals in the hair which didnt exist in Samsons time. Thought
you were smart, didnt you, Buck? How dumb do you think people
are?
Ben was tongue-tied. Clint added, What a pathetic picture you
painted of the Lord Jesus! Ill never forget the garbage you leeches
on TV mailed Granny to pry grocery money outa her! Psalmists
tear drops, Dead Sea salt packets, prayer rags, Samsons jawbone
of an ass!
Ben punched Sams arm. Now see where your bright idea got
us!
Clint looked mad but kept his dignity. You guys are an affliction
to the very Name you used to get rich off of! Whenever Id tell
Granny about all the poor widows who ate cat food to keep you
guys in clover, shed only say: Its Jesus Who matters, Clint, only
Him. He loves you and longs to save you. He longs to be your very
dearest Friend. Forget about those men and women who preach

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out of an imperfect heart. Its Christ youll have to answer to, Clint,
not them.
But bull-headed as I was, I didnt listen to dear old Granny. I
told her that the day the likes of you wore cheap duds on TV when
you preached and shelled out all your dough to homeless missions
and poor people, thatd be the day I accepted Christ. Know what,
Ben? All that happened was, you got greedier and greedier. You
told folks that God would give em a thousand-fold return on their
investment if theyd gamble away their rent money by sendin it in
to your so-called ministry. And then one of Grannys girl friends
came over and talked about how she got sick and asked for some of
her bread back so she could go see the doctor. This dear lady was
on Social Security and couldnt get any help for her doctor bills.
There was some Catch 22 so the government wouldnt pitch in and
help. She was half dead with diabetes and heart problems. All your
organization did was say Sorry! Go get help from some social
service agency, or go get a job! Whatd they expect her to do,
Buck, sling burgers at McDonalds?
Ben gagged. Uhsir, I didnt hear about her story personally,
and if I had
No you DIDNT hear about her, Buck. But you did churn out
truckloads of junk mail doctored up to look like you wrote friendly
letters to all your fans out in TV Land. Some people just never
figured out that was old technology and even TV preachers back in
the 1980s had gizmos to stick peoples name in the right slots of a
form letter to fool em into thinkin their favorite preacher really did
care about em. Cash cows for con men. Thats all they were to
you and you know it.
Well, not to brag, but guess who helped Grannys sick girl
friend? It was me, Buck, and I was a lost sinner at the time! Seems
like its just dandy for poor peons to pay big bucks to show their
faith and tempt God by treatin Him like a slot machine! But when
it came your turn to prove your faith, you waffled your way out of
it like a crooked politician!
This fake gold and diamonds is just like your life, Ben and Sam.
You glitter but youre phony! Now what else have we got here?
With an expert eye Clint examined a few packets of colorful
capsules, brown flakes, fine white powder and delicate crystals.
Hmmmcrystal meth, angel dust, Es, hash, and coke. What were
you guys gonna do with this junk anyhow?
Now look here, Your Honor, Ben stammered, staring at Sam,
who looked just as terrified. I never intended to end up here. Sam
and I barely escaped getting lynched back in the Book of Acts. We
were trying to get back to the year 2010. We almost landed in
Antichrists frying pan, and kept on flying in the sky till we landed in
Micahs horse manure.

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You asked the taxi driver to take you to a cathouse. Clint

growled. You guys have been here for a good while, now, and you
oughta know youre in the wrong time and place for that. And even
if you were back in 2010 God would still condemn your lust as a sin,
and see you as an adulterer too.
But Your Honor, Ben argued, for all we know, Sam and I could
be lying in a vegetative coma back in El Dinero. If were practically
dead anyway, how can we be accused of committing adultery by
going out to pick up a few girls?
Ben Buck, Clint sighed, were you so bad a Bible thumper that
you never read the Scriptures which condemn the carnal lusts of the
flesh? Even when I was livin a wild life before the Tribulation, I
knew deep inside it was wrong to treat women like toys. But
knowin that something is sin and bein transformed by the power of
God to live in obedience to Him are two different things. When
Christ came into my heart by faith, I wanted to live right, even if I
was still weak in lots of ways after I met Him. Now, Ben and Sam, I
take it you guys made a fortune by peddlin religion to desperate
folks. And if youd gotten hungry enough here you would have
peddled this junk on my bench. But is that all Jesus meant to you,
Ben Buck? What a garbagey way to treat the One Who died to save
you! What a sinful, sick way to treat poor people who loved Jesus,
but got caught in the cracks of poverty, and turned to crooks like
you for prayer!
Im gonna go easy on you guys, cause the good Lord shows
me you arent in your right minds. Youve lied to others so many
years you think youve got the right to live like kings off the religion
racket. Now, if and when you ever wake up from your sin trip, I
want you to wipe the slate clean with Jesus and start all over again.
It might make your wallet a whole lot skinnier, but if God can
forgive you for the awful things youve taught in His Name, at least
youll be saved from the Great White Throne Judgment. And if you
repent in time, just maybe youll be accounted worthy to escape the
Great Tribulation and the persecution of the Antichrist. If you guys
dont wise up, youll suffer the same hell on earth I did, and maybe
a whole lot worse.
Clint concluded with studied solemnity: Therefore, My sentence
is this: You two shall be taken to the El Shaddai Home for Infirm
Souls. For an indefinite length of time you shall remain there and
be nursed back to spiritual health by the Lords anointed shepherds.
Only when they have determined that you are fit to return to the
community will you be released. Throughout your stay at the El
Shaddai Home you shall remain under subjection to those who are
entrusted with the oversight of your souls. Any deliberate rebellion
or disobedience will result in swift chastisement. I would advise you
two offenders to repent, pay heed to your ways and apply your
hearts to learn Gods wisdom. The Lord is not mocked.

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Ben and Sam gave Clint a doleful look. But Your Honor, I
thought youd let us off with a warning. In the world where we
lived, it wasnt a crime to have a night out on the town.
If only you fellows knew, Clint said, that you HAVE been
shown the mercy of this court. God hates sin more than youll ever
know, and He cracks down on it a lot quicker than He did in the Old
World. Here, if you do the crime, you do the timeand some
offenders have suffered a whole lot worse punishment than doin
time, believe me.
Clint looked more sad than mad. I truly can feel for you bein
tempted by drugs, cause Ive been there myself. Ive seen lots of
druggies burnt out by bad trips. Cheer up, Ben Buck. Youre still
alive. Your soul is hangin by a thread, but if you dont repent soon,
that threadll break and youll land in the devils barbecue pit. Only
Jesus can save you, but you never preached much about that, did
you? Only about how God could make poor folks rich if only theyd
send you and Sam a little cash. I really do fear for you, Ben and
Sam. Now stop feelin sorry for yourselves! You aint goin to Devils
Island! Youll be with people who love you, not for your money, but
for the value of your souls.
We miss our loved ones, but will we have to go home, Your
Honor? Sam moaned. Well be in deep trouble if we get back to
our own time.
We dont want to face the wrath of the IRS, Your Honor, Ben
whined, and the cops might get us for possession.
Clint shook his head. I guess you guys are caught between a
rock and a hard place, then. Sure, the I.R.S. and the cops are
waitin for you back in 2010, but you oughta be even more scared
of the Lawman Who walks the earth in my timemy King and
Savior. He really does crack down on sin, and woe be unto you
guys if you dont repent of it in time!
Then were hanging in limbo, Sam moaned. We dont dare go
back to 2010, and we dont dare stay, either. Simon Peter is coming
to town next week, and hes had enough trouble with us. We arent
safe anywhere!
Clint grinned. Ive got a soo-prise for you guys. While youre at
the Restoration Home, a special visitor will be comin to see you all.
Hes none other than the blessed Apostle Peter, who will be in our
area in just a few days. Maybe hell have a special word to share
with you two, Ben and Sam.
Oh, NO-O-O! Ben groaned. He covered his face with his
hands. Please, your honor, couldnt you just transfer us to another
pen a million miles away from here?
My, my, Clint said. Dont tell me you two had a run-in with
St. Pete and you came all the way to my time to get away from
him!

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Sort of, Sam muttered, but maybe he wont be so mad at us

when he finds out weve finally been banged up in a maximum
security cell.
Sam Malone! Clint chided. I said youre goin to a home, not
a maximum-security prison like I spent a spell in during my lifetime.
Youll find love there, not hate!
Thats the reason were here, Ben said, with a look of
resignation. We were looking for love in all the wrong places. Oh
well, maybe facing St. Peter wont be as bad as facing Miranda
when she finds out I almost ratted on her.
Not only that, Sam added, wed be banged up for twenty
years in the state pen if we had to face the wrath of the I.R.S. All
the kickbacks I took from missions funds, all the shady investments
I made with donor money. This is sheer hell, Ben. We cant go
back.
Well, you guys made your own bad bed, and youve gotta lay in
it, Clint said. I just dont get it, guys. After all the lovin help
youve gotten from good, decent people here, you wont even try to
forsake sin. What if the Prodigal Son hadnt wised up and headed
on home in time? Wouldnt he have died in the hog pen hed made
of his own life? If you dont surrender to the Savior, Ben and Sam,
and start headin down the narrow Path of Life toward Home, youll
only spend eternity in that pig pen prison youve swapped your own
Savior for.

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