WhatisinyourPocket?

AnepidemicofiPhoneshasspreadthroughoutourcountry.Thetechnologyhascaught
onlikewildfire,theyouthofourfruitfulnationactingasgasolineandtheolderdrykindle
however,itwasnotuntilrecently,researchersquestionedthesmallrectangulardevices.
TechnologistDr.Corerevealedhisgrowingsuspicions,iPhonessimplycaughtontoo
quickly,eachapp,eachupdate,eachversion,isobsessedoverbyeveryone.Socialinteractions
havedwindledtofacebookpostsandonewordtextsYesterday,Isawamantackleanother
manforthe4x3rectangularprism.Histeamofscientistsdidnothesitateintheirstudies
finally,aftermonthsofwork,longdays,intenseresearch,andfarfetchedconclusions,they
presentedtheirfindingsearlierthisweek.
Accordingtotheirstudies,thelight,whichprotrudesfromthedevicesscreen,emitsa
uniquephotonthattravelsthroughtheskin,activatesreceptorsinthebrain,andmimicsatrue
humaninteraction.Inmorespecificterms,themicroscopicparticlesfilltheexcessspaceinthe
craniumhence,themindistrickedintofeelingfullysatisfiedeventhougharelativelylimited
socialinteractionoccurred.Whenpublishinghisresults,Dr.CoreencouragedAmericansto
abandontheirtechnologyandspendmoretimecommunicatingwithothersoneonone,personto
person,facetoface.JonathanHoneycrisp,age24,wasencouragedtotakethesehumanizing
actionsandhasonlybeencommunicatingwithhislongtimegirlfriend,AutumnGlory,inperson
andattheveryleastbytalkingonapayphone.Hewasamazed,Thereissomuchmorewe
havegottentoknowabouteachother!,heexplained,Afterdatingforoverayear,wehave

communicatedmoreinoneweekthanwehaveintheentiretyofourrelationship!Honestly,after
gettingtoknoweachother,thingsarentgoingsowell.
Anearlysynonymousstudywasreleasedatasimilartimetheinvestigationwas
performedbyDr.Orchardandhisresearchteam.Together,theyscrutinizedthesuspiciouslack
ofbatteryaccessonaniPhone.Theconclusionswereastonishing.InsteadofApplesproposed
LithiumIonbattery,theiPhonecontainedaNicotineIonbattery.Itsimplyexplainsthe
smartphonesaddictingqualities,Dr.Crunch(ascientistondoctorOrchardsteam)elaborates
ontheirastoundingresults.ProfessionalshighlysuggestrehabforiPhoneusersandtoslowly
weanthemselvesoffthedangerouslyaddictivedevices.Ananonymouschildrenpsychologists
reportedthathewas,astonishedbytheinfluxoftechnologycrazedkidsbroughtinbytheir
parents,afterreadingabouttheiPhone'saddictivequalitiesadditionally,hesuggestthat,
Parentsshouldslowlyacclimatetheirchildrenbydowngradingtoanandroid,thenblackberry,
thenflipphone,etc.Children'smindsaresovulnerableandcompletelydependentontheiPhone
thatifaworriedparentweretotakeawayphonesentirelyconsiderablementaltraumacould
occur.Whenquestioned,SteveJobsgavenocomment.

Tragedyhasensuedpriortotherevealingofthephone'strueconstitution:theAmerican
RedCrossreported34casesoflifethreateningcomacases,6braindead,and2violentattacks
(onAppleemployees)duetotheiPhone.Notincludingthe6braindead,therehasbeenatotalof
9deathsforwhichtheiPhoneistoblame.OneunfortunatecoupleofNewYorkCity,theBig
Apple,buriedallthreeoftheirdaughtersthispastSaturdayafternoon.Themother,outragedwith
AppleandherteenagedaughtersrefusaltogiveuptheirpreciousiPhones,threwthe

contaminateddevicesontothesubwaytrackstobegrindedtodust.However,theeldestdaughter
(age17)joinedhandswiththeyoungertwo(age15and13),andtogetherhandinhandthey
dovetotherailsaftertheirphones.Allweredevastatedbythetragedy.
Sowhatiscurrentlyinyourbackpocket,atyourear,orinyourhands?Becausefamilies
havebeenrippedtoshreds,relationshipsshattered,brilliantmindsannihilated,allfor24
gigabytesoflies,anddeceit,andgreed.