The Only Thing Worse You Could Have Told Me, by Dan Butler

DAN
(A man with an Atlanta Braves baseball cap on. He is very southern. Histrionic. Slightly
effeminate. A great storyteller, he can dart from subject to subject with ease)
Does this hat look okay? It doesnt smoosh my hair too much on the side, does it?
(Constantly fussing with his hair, tucking it into the cap) It looks all right? I dont want to walk
around with hat hair. Ok. Ill take your word for it. Hi. My name is Dan. I deliver food to PWAs.
Thats People With AIDS. Im a Chattanooga boy. I bet you hadnt guessed I was southern, I hide
it so well. Probly already remind you of your two favrit aunts, dont I? Thats all right. Doesnt
BOTHER me! Im here now, in San Francisco, I have been for the past, oh, umpteen years and
I dont want to talk about this! I want to talk about J.B. I want to talk about J.B. because hes
worth talkin about. Nothing Im not worth talkin about, but I just want to so there.
You sure my hat looks all right? Well, even if it doesnt, the hat stays on because last
night I dyed my hair and it turned orange and I tried to dye it back and it turned jet black. Im not
gonna show you, youll just have to take my word for it. The hat stays on. So there. J.B excuse
me, I am parched. I need to drink a Coca-Cola or somethin. I am so dry, if I dont drink
somethin soon, Ill start fartin dust. J.B. J.B. was on my route. I started about once or twice a
week, when temp work was slow- which was most of the time- and on my third week well, I
got stuck with the Tenderloin district. The traffic was terrible and the smog was tearin me up and
I had six hot meals to deliver and I could think of a thousand and one things Id rather be doin.
QUESTIONS
SISTER: Promise me youre not going to tell them youre gay.
Thats what my sister told me when I went back home for my high school reunion. Because its
the South and she thinks Im going to be shot. So I start playing through every possible scenario
in my mind. And everyone is there with their spouses, and eventually it gets around to:
PERSON: So do you have any kids?
D: No.
P: Well, are you married?
D: No.
P: Are you seeing anyone?
D: Nnnnn, yyyy, mmmm
And even in my fantasy, theres this grip in the pit of my stomach. My heart starts pounding.
Arent I past this? Should I tell them or not. I dont want to lie. What do I say? Oh! I know!
There are no women in my life. Thats good. Oh! Im not seeing any women. Im not lying.
Im avoiding, but Im not lying. Just tell them! Get it over with. Come right out and say You
know, to tell you the truth Im gay. I just dont want to get into it!! Just tell them No. Im not
seeing anyone. Simple. Its over. No problem. If they want to know, theyll ask. Then Ill tell
them. But why do I even want to tell them? What do I get out of this? So, Im honest, I get it off
my chest, wont they be uncomfortable? Isnt that a tad bit selfish? Theres nothing wrong with
being quiet about it. Why is this so important?! So I tell them or I dont tell them, what
difference does it make?!

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DAN
J.B. ended up being my first stop. I arrived! Hot and sweaty and smelly and I dragged
myself up the steps in front of this big ole grey, wooden apartment building and finally found his
place waaaaaay around in back. I walked up to J.B.s door. The inside door was open, so I could
see through the screen and when my eyes adjusted, I saw this skinny, skinny, skinny bald man
sittin up in his bed sorta starin straight ahead at the wall. He had p.j. bottoms on, that was all,
and I could tell he was sitting in his (Thinks for a moment how to say this) He had had
diarrhea- many, many times it smelled like- and there he sat, starin straight ahead. I just wanted
to open up the door, throw the food in and run. And this mean little Pomeranian dog who was
sittin at the foot of J.B.s bed saw me and FLEW off that bed and started yippin his head off.
Snappin his little teeth. I hate little dogs. Hate em! As far as Im concerned, theyre just raised
to be kicked. If theres anyone from the ASPCA here, Im sorry, but thats how I feel so there.
CONVERSATIONS WITH MY MOTHER
D: Did you ever question whether you did something wrong?
MOTHER: Sure. You, well, you alwaysWell, Dan, you do. You think, Geewhat did
I do? But I meant all I well
D: I mean, do you see it as wrong?
M: No, thats your life, Dan. No, I dont see it as wrong. I dont condemn it, I dont
condone it, I dont understand it.
D: Uh-huh.
M: Thats how I feel. All right? But thats your life. And I want you to be happy and if
youre happy, Im happy with that.
D: Have you and Dad talked about it much?
M: He doesnt know.
D: Dad doesnt know?
M: He knows nothing, Dan.
D: I find that very hard to believe.
M: Your father does not know that you are gay.
D: Well, why dont you talk to him about it?
M: Because he we get up. Some mornings he gets on, you know, youll hear the news
on gay people and he get going and Itherell be times I almost tell him and I think,
No, leave well enough alone. And so thats how it is. Sometime I might, but until
then, theres no reason. You know. Theres no reason.
D: I mean with Joey staying over and us staying in the same bed?
M: Well, he didnt know where you slept. He never knows where you sleep, Dan. So, you
know, its at his age, his and hes a worldly-wise, wonderful person. But when you
get to that age, you really are set in your ways, Dan, about a lot of things. I want you to
understand that too. OK? Because he think youre GREAT and I wouldnt wouldnt
D: Wouldnt what?
DAN
D: J.B., Ive got some hot turkey and dressin out here for you!
Like that would snap him right out of Lost in Space! You remember that TV show? Danger, Will
Robinson, danger? No? Well, anyway I started thinkin, Am I gonna have to go in there?
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This is not my job! This is not my job! I delver food, thats it! I was not in the mood, believe
me.
D: (impatient) J.B.! Are you hungry?
J.B.: Yes.
D: Well, do you want me to come in and set this up for you?
J: Yes.
It was like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz stepping through that door, goin from black and
white to color. Only this was reverse! I left Technicolor behind! Stale cigarette smoke and B.M.
and that ugly little dig yippin and a hoppin just out of KICKIN range. I started breathing
through my mouth. So, there I am, breathin through my mouth, tryin too hard not to touch
anything.
D: J.B.? Would you like me to set this up for you over here beside your bed?
J: Yes.
D: J.B.? Do you have a TV tray? Or somethin? I could set this up on?
He was gone, starin off somewhere. So I spot this big ole heavy coffee table across the room and
I start luggin it sort of scootchin it across the rug- this is not my job. I give up on it about
halfway.
D: J.B.? Why dont we eat over here? You wanta eat over here?
By now his dog is bouncin off the walls, foamin at the mouth.
D: J.B.! Ive got five other hot meals I gotta deliver before they get cold! J.B.!! J.B.
Oh Im gonna set up the food and Im gonna leave now.
So I went and got a fork and a spoon from that sink of his which was piled high with crusty ole
dishes. Not my job. I wash a fork and spoon and put em down beside the food with a Bounty
towel napkin.
D: J.B.? Im gonna leave now. (Pause) Do you have anyone who comes by to take care of
you? (Pause) well, do you want me to stop back by after I deliver these other five meals?
Please, I thought, dont say a work@ I will count to five. If theres no sign of life, Ill be out of
here! One- two- three- four
J: Thats perfectly alright. Im fine. You dont have to return if you dont want to.
D: Well, where have you been for the past fifteen minutes?!!
He didnt say anything. He just started eatin. I made sure hes all right and then I left, thinkin
thats the last time Id set eyes on either of them again. Ha. Ha. As FATE would have it, I was
dealt out the Tenderloin again. Now, Id love to say I was really spiritual and loving about goin
back out there again, but I put up an absolute fit. I BEGGED people to trade routes with me!
Pleaded! Cried real tears. Held my breath, turned purple. Nothing worked. So I went ALL the
way back out there again and J.B. had cleaned up real good. Id phoned the office to send
someone out there to take care of him before he set himself on fire. Thats what mustve
happened. J.B.s sittin there in a diaper, actin real embarrassed about the way he looked, which
was kinda cute. And his whole place- the bed, the sink, everything- was squeaky clean. He
apologized for not rememberin me bein there before, so I reintroduced myself. He flat out
refused to eat in front of me until I swore I wasnt hungry.
D: Thank you very much, but I cant eat cause Im tryin to watch my weight.
Can you believe it? Watch my weight?! And there he sat in his diaper lookin like Gandhi on
Slim-fast. I coulda bit off my tongue if my foot hadnt been in the way. We talked for a few. I
found out hes a southern boy too. Savannah. His little dogs name? Dixie. I asked him when hes
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plannin on puttin Dixie to sleep. And he laughed and laughed. And smiled. Oh, that boy had
teeth.
PRECIOUS
(During the following, he will take on many physicalizations, feminine and masculine)
Precious! Girl! Precious, listen! This is your fairy Godsister calling, girl! Love
your good gay self! Please! And thank you! Leviticus! Chapter 20! Verse 13! (Licks
finger sensuously and opens page of Bible. Preacher voice :) If man lieth with mankind,
as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination; they shall surely
be put to death; their blood shall be upon them. Precious. Who wrote this shit? God?!
Think, precious. They just want an excuse to hate you. For being different. For making
them change.
Someone tries to shove Leviticus in your face, girl, inform them: ONE- it was
written thirty centuries ago. The world has changed a bit since then, thank you very
much. TWO- its a Holiness Code written to protect Ancient Israel from the local fertility
regions. Pagan, feh! THREE- its deliberately elaborate and strict i.e. You cannot eat
rare meat. You cant pull one of these rules out of context and ignore the rest, girl.
(Slams Bible shut) And Jesus would have loved us! Are you kidding? He hung out with
the outcasts. Lepers. Prostitutes. Twelve men.
Michelangelo? A fag. Tear down the Sistine Chapel! We cant have God and
Adam trying to touch fingers! Leonardo da Vinci? A BIG queen! There goes the
Renaissance. The list goes on and on. Plato, Sappho, Julius Caesar, Frederick the Great,
Alexander Hamilton, Susan B. Anthony, Lawrence of Arabia, Calamity Jane, Eleanor
Roosevelt, President James Buchanan are we outing here? (Pause. Shrugs and
continues) Weve been leaders, teachers, scientists, shamans, stockbrokers, doctors,
philosophers, florists, athletes, Olympic Gold medalists, priests, a couple of popes!
Think of the music that would be lost! Leonard Bernstein, K.D. Lang,
Tchaikovsky. The words! James Baldwin, Willa Cather, Tennessee Williams, Walt
Whitman. You have heritage, precious. And you have heroes. Harvey Milk, Harry Hay,
Martina Navratilova, Dave Kopay, Greg Louganis, Margaret Cammermeyer, Elaine
Noble, Larry Kramer, Mel White. (Arms open wide then embrace lovingly) You are
larger, better than you thought. You are a star, precious. Sparkle and shine! Brighten away
the lies with the light from your life! Go, girl!!
DAN
To make a long story short, we hit it off. Tenderloin became my permanent route. I even
threw a fit one day when I came in and found out theyd given it to someone else. I switched the
order of deliveries so J.B.s last and we had more time to visit. It got to be where I was deliverin
almost every day. It was real comfortable. Oh and Id clean up a bit. Id do his laundry. I even
walked that ugly little Dixie. And liked it, can you believe it? Then one day, Is standin at J.B.s
sink, doin some dishes. I was laughin about somethin hed just said. And I stopped. My mouth
fell open. All of a sudden I knew. I mean, I knew I had a crush on J.B.
Hed been flirtin with me. Id flirt right back at him. Two southern girls at the prom, you
know. But this was different. I really, really cared for him. And it just didnt fit into the scheme
of things at all. I mean, sure hes smart and funny, but J.B.s real sick. Hes just a big old bag of
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bones, not my type at all. Oh, that didnt come out right. What I mean to say is we used to haul
out these photo albums of what he looked like before, when hes filled out a bit and J.B. was no
great shakes in the looks department even then. And looks was what Id always measured any
person by. If the physical wasnt there, then forget it. And here I had this serious, serious crush
on J.B. and it just didnt make any sense. I kept it from J.B., but Id talk it out with friends, you
know, explain the whole situation. I really, really cared for him and I thought Id fallin in love
with him and theyd listen to me- oh, Lord, I can still see their faces. It made me feel foolish. Id
just shut up and walk around thinkin what Is feelin was wrong. But then I thought, But love
cant be wrong, can it? and I knew I loved J.B.
THE ONLY THING WORSE
Dad was the last to know. It was the 4th of July. San Francisco, California. Dad had flown out
from Tennessee for a surprise visit- which surprised me because we had never been that close.
Now, Id taken it for granted hed already figured it out, but the moment after I told him that
Joey and I were lovers, I could tell by that deer caught in the headlights of a car look in his
eyes that he didnt have a clue. Surprise. We stood there, staring at one another. You could touch
the silence.
FATHER: Dont you blame me for this! Dont you goddamn blame me for this! Now it
all fits! Now it all fits! Why you love the theatre! Why you like living her in San
Francisco so much. (Pause) When did your mother and sister find out?
D: Three years ago.
F: Im always the last goddamn person to know anything!
Ten years later. Christmas. (Of course). Dad and I were having a Scotch. And hes talking about
how scared he gets whenever he hears news about AIDS and he think about me. Or how upset he
is when he sees footage from Gay Pride Marches and there are men in leather and dresses and he
thinks about me. Or how confused he is when friends of his make fag jokes- or he makes fag
jokes- and everybody laughs and he thinks about me. And I say to him that the day I told him I
was gay, though Im sure it wasnt the happiest day of his life was probably the closest Id ever
felt to him. And he gets tears in his eyes and he says:
F: You know the other thing worse you couldve told me? (Pause) the only thing worse
you could have told me? That you were dead.
DAN
What is love anyway? Id always taken for granted I knew what all there was to know
about it, had it down pat. You know, you fall in love, it lasts awhile, your heart gets stomped on,
you pick yourself up, start all over again. Pretty predictable. Thats what I thought! And then this
thing with J.B. happened and my ideas about love were just blown out of the water. I mean, have
you ever thought about the chances of two people meeting? Out of all the people in the world,
out of all the places in the world, at some exact moment in time, two people meet. Like it was
meant to be. Thats wonderful, no matter how it happens. That two people actually meet in this
world and love one another. Its like what we were made for. When it comes right down to it,
were all just big old bags of bones, you know. Some bags are more enjoyable to look at than
others, but its not about the bag. The bags gonna wear out sooner or later, but I dont think you
can ever wear out love. (He thinks this over in silence. Finally)
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J.B. started to come and go. One day I was tuckin him in bed before I left and I just said
that it was too bad we couldnt have dated, that I wouldve liked that. And he smiled up at me
like he knew what I was saying. So I sat down on the bed beside him and took his hand. And he
gripped real hard.
D: This is our dating. Were dating right now, all right?
J: (Confused, but still smiling) We are? (Leans in and whispers) weve got to get you out
of here. This is not the place to meet people.
JOEY
(Very comfortable with himself. He speaks with a Massachusetts/Boston accent. Theres a
football in his hands which he tosses around during the scene)
I didnt have any problems comin out of the closet or whatever. Its just who I
was, ya know. I like girls, but I was never sexually I think theyre sexy and everything,
but, ya know, I always thought men were beautiful. I mean, there was always someone in
school everyoned pick on. I always felt sorry for em- everyone called em sissy. No
one ever picked on me cause I was kinda big for my age and I could, ya know, if anyone
came after me I could hold my own. Some of those guys that get through growin up and
takin all those knocks, I got so much respect for them. Cause they had to take it, man.
They had to take it right on the chin. And where they found their strength, I do not know,
man. You gotta take your hat off to those guys. You just gotta be who you are.
(He tosses the football over his head a couple of times in silence)
People always get screwy when they find out. Like it doesnt fit or somethin. I
dont know. Ill be shootin some hoops over at the playground, with some new guys.
And there we are, regular guys doin regular stuff and I start wondrin what theyd think,
ya know, if they knew I was going home to Dan after. Its a kick. Dan is not into sports.
Oh, I wish Dan was here right now, so you all could meet him. Youd really like him,
man; hes a great guy. Weve been together a while now.
Hah! Dand get pissed off that we couldnt show how we felt about each other in
public, without everyone havin a big cow or somethin. But Dans right. Its always gotta
be such a big thing. You always gotta think about it. Its hard to be natural. I like you, I
like how Im feelin. Or I wanta hold your hand. Oh, man! The other night, Dan and
me were walking down the street with our arms around one another. We usually dont do
that sorta thing but it felt right, ya know. And these two guys pass us and one of em says:
MAN: Damn faggots.
And Dan turns around and says:
D: Excuse me, were you talking to me?
I could not believe it! The guy stops and turns back.
D: Was that abuse just then? Damn faggots? Was that intended as an abusive
remark?
M: (looks at friend, caught off guard, blank expression) Yeah.
D: Would you like to give it another shot or would you consider that your best
effort? You could say Pussy boys or Suck my dick or Die, AIDS faggot,
something really hateful like that. Or you could resort to violence, your choice.
(Pause) So thats it? For your information, I happen to LOVE myself. I consider
myself a MAGNIFICENT human being, I could give a shit what you think about
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me. But I know abuse. I have abused and hated myself more than you will ever
dream of. I know every trick in the book. And quite frankly, youre no good at it.
So why dont you do the world a big favor and shut the fuck up.
He stood there! Right in their faces! We watched em walk off and then he looked at me
and rolled his eyes, smilin. And we kissed each other right there. Were good together.
DAN
About a week later, I got a one week on the new Candid Camera, out of town, from out
of nowhere, and when I got back, J.B. was gone. And oh it hurt and I cried and felt guilty
about not bein here, but I finally decided J.B. probly planned the whole thing, thinkin it was
the politest way to go. I still wish Id figured some of this stuff when hes still here, you know, so
I coulda told him? You learn stuff when you learn it, I suppose. Thats what Joey says anyway. I
mostly believe it. Oh! Joey is my new beau, Ill have you know, thank you very much. Blueeyed, Boston boy. I inherited Dixie. Yes, shes still alive. And I got this hat. And this book of
poetry. (Looks for book, then remembers) Oh, now see, I had it all planned out. (Crosses to a
chest and roots around in it) I was gonna read you my favrit poem, but Dixie got ahold of it last
night and ate half the book. (Finds and shows the book) This ones written by Mr. William Butler
Yeats. (Looks down to begin, then up) Hes Irish. (Again looks down, then over his head) I hope
you like it J.B.
O love is the crooked thing
There is nobody wise enough
To find all there is in it.
For he would be thinking of love
til the stars had run away
And the shadows eatin the moon.
(Gently closes the book then looks out to the audience. First to his left, then to his right
and then straight ahead) So there.

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