Running Head: MAY PBUY 1

May Peace be Upon You

A Personal Statement Teacher Comment Draft Paper
Nauras Faiyazuddin
Louisiana State University
February 6th, 2017

Audience
This paper was prepared as a draft for English 2001, taught by Miss Jean Coco. It is to be revised
furthermore for the final draft to be in accordance to LSUHSCs Nursing Admissions
Committees guidelines/scoring rubric.
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May Peace be Upon You
A Personal Statement Teacher Comment Draft Paper
Preface
I chose to submit the second personal statement draft because the first one I did was very
rough and my thoughts were all over the place. I didnt quite know how to start it or how I
should begin so it was very jumbled. The second one I wrote received a higher score than the
first one because it had more organization of thoughts and a better setup to catch the readers
attention (like paragraph 1s approach), so I looked forward to revise it further to receive a better
and if not perfect score. I didnt pick the third personal statement from the daybook because I let
the 30 minutes fly past me and ended up feeling lost for words and ideas like I did for the first
one. From that I realized that I really need to create a list of ideas and transitions I want to do
before going into any personal statement, as well as keeping a cool minded head and not
stressing out.
The revisions I made after the peer review is that I elaborated where my classmates asked
me too, because I too felt like I needed to talk more on a certain section (like paragraph 1 where I
mention a teacher and dont give a name or a quick bio of some sort). I also made sure to keep
the reader intrigued and not bored, because one of the revisers felt a little bored while reading it.
I knew personally that it was a very rough, rough, draft so I too myself wanted to continue to
improve it and saw even more issues to fix than the revisers. The focus part of my paper really
need some revision so I made sure to pull in the nursing aspect more since it is the reason why
we are applying and I wanted to include a more story like approach then a boring laundry listing
paper (like for example paragraph 3 is the only section where I mention nursing and dont
include it more). Thats why the development part of my paper improved because the story like
setup gave it more flow to my ideas.
I didnt question any of the need to work on this revisions, more of the this is great,
keep this, revisions (like paragraph 2s evidence of my religion Islams pillars) I questioned
because I thought personally that it wasnt too good of an idea or story starter but from there
grew to realize that it was a very strong aspect of my paper.
What I noticed from listening to the recording is that my voice sounds a lot different on
recording, almost like a child at times. I also sound a bit shaky and apprehensive since Im not
used to being on recording but I know I can remove that hesitation with more practice. I can also
see how I need to slow down a tad bit maybe and enunciate more; as well as watch how I
pronounce words. Before I submitted the draft, I did make few changes but not too many because
I wanted to see what you can maybe see as potential in the draft and if you see the same mistakes
I do. Id really love your original feedback on my draft so that I am confident in revising it
further. I always believe theres room for improvement so Id love get feedback from you in
particular.
Three specific concerns I have about the draft is the organization, focus, and development
because those three are the main things I need to focus and hone on in order to have a successful
personal statement. Focus because I feel like I need a solid image (for example it took me forever
to think of how to talk about diversity so that is why I started paragraph 1 and 2 in that instance
to mention my culture and faith) to keep the nursing admissions committee interested and I feel
like I still cant think of one quickly in the 30 minutes given. Thats why I really need to
brainstorm beforehand. I also seem to lose the focus throughout the passage and it doesnt seem
connected (like paragraph 3 transitioning into 4 or paragraph 1 transitioning into paragraph 2).
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Im concerned about the organization because my arrangement ideas are honestly all over the
place (like where I jump into paragraph 4 so quickly because I ran out of time), at least thats
what I feel like mentally and my writing reflects that heavily, so I really need to get a grip on
that. Also, the development needs a lot of work, my ideas dont all support each other (like
paragraphs 1-3 could have better flow and a more effective setup) and I need more details and
image provoking anecdotes (besides paragraphs 1 and 2) that can really carry my personal
statement well. I need better evidence, and I think it all goes back to me needing to really
brainstorm and list things I want to say.

Reflection Paragraphs from Peer Review

I give it a 2 for focus, a 2 for organization, a 1 for development, and a +1 for audience,
awareness, and voice. So altogether a 6/12. I gave it a 2 for focus because I follow a clear focus
throughout the personal statement but falter when some parts dont add up or seem unnecessary.
I gave it a 2 for organization because the ideas are arranged well but could be better with more
work and more thoughtful thinking when organizing it together. I gave it a 1 for development
because I still havent used any good images or well thought out evidence that can make me
stand out. I dont talk about my involvements or my experiences, so it lacks that a lot. Lastly, I
gave it a +1 versus a regular one in audience, awareness, and voice because it an okay attempt at
using voice, I know I can do better so that is why I scored it a + versus just a 1.
Three concerns I have is to have a unique focus that can pique the interest of the reader,
to have better evidence, and to start directly off with images. I personally enjoy stories that feel
like a movie in my head so if I had planned it out before hand, it would have allowed me to make
way for an image provoking statement with a great opening and closing. Overall, I just need to
plan ahead and be concise with information. What do you do to keep things organized before you
write, and how do you keep anxiety at bay from reflecting on your writing? Plus, how do you
time yourself accordingly? Also, what do you suggest could be good ways to brainstorm
beforehand?

May Peace be Upon You

1. Asalamwalikum (meaning May peace be upon you, in Arabic). I held onto

my breathe. I was speechless. Never, had I ever, heard another person out of my

religion greet me quite like that in the small, quiet town I grew up in. That selfless

high school teacher from that day on, opened my eyes to the world of diversity.

That person ended up teaching me just how comfortable I can be about my

religion and culture as a proud Muslim Indian born American. From then on, I

personally made it one of my goals to enlighten anyone and everyone about being
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diverse as they want to be, both through their mind and culture. Discovering my

diversity allowed me to build the most enriching relationships and memorable

experiences than any other value a human being can possess.

2. One of my religions main pillars defines what a nurse is needed for, to

undoubtingly care for others. Every person is a brother or sister who when in

need, deserves your helping hand. I wanted to fulfill this aspect of my heart by

becoming a nurse with that ideal who undoubtingly loves the people she interacts

with and at the same time learn something new from their interaction. What better

opportunity to gain new experiences and learn new ways to think, than to pursue a

career in nursing? A perfect relationship where I can balance my faith and career

while achieving peace with myself. A type of career where it is expected from you

to openly accept everyones diverse thinking and their race or culture.

3. Nursing is the perfect platform for diversity. A field of work where it is necessary

to uphold a good belief system about different opinions and unfamiliar cultures. A

career where I feel I can instantly feel welcomed and appreciated for being who I

am. For the longest portion of my life, I hid the parts of my Muslim culture which

made me different. But, now I can openly be myself.

4. Being diverse is a part of me and will continue to influence all aspects of my life.

Nursing creates that path for me to walk on as does Islam create a path for

humbleness and care for others. Therefore, I say to you, Walikumsalam, and

may peace be upon you.